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550 Public Reviews Given
612 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I give my overall impression of the story, quote my favourite part, correct any mistakes in the grammar, then point out characterization flaws and plot holes. Style varies if any of the above is uncalled for.
I'm good at...
Rectifying grammar, i.e., pointing out errors in spelling, punctuation, tense, sentence construction, etc. Also good at substantive review, i.e., assessing the plot for completeness, consistency, and clarity.
Favorite Genres
Thriller/Suspense, Crime/Gangster, Drama, Experience, Relationship, Romance/Love, Erotica
Least Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Full-length books
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of A life time love  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
This reminded me of Nicholas Cage's Sixth Sense, where he only realized in the end that he was no longer alive, hence people's ignoring of him. But this was more enjoyable because of the descriptions conveying details that could easily be overlooked or undersold in a movie.

Descriptions aside, you built a great romance story, thanks to the illusions and the nostalgia behind them. Indeed, it felt like a lifetime love. Note my spelling of that word: lifetime. It should be one word. Other errors you should correct are:

the agony of watching my one and only perfect Esme be taken away from me – being taken away from me

they thought my perfect Esme's was lost – my perfect Esme, not Esme's

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
TJay
127
127
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
My, how a few words can tell so deep a story! This is poetry in prose, with short sentences feeding the reader’s hunger for more information, and a plot that initially implies a sad widow struggling to move on before revealing the unique situation she is in. I like the intro and the structure; I’m just a little unconvinced that the girlfriend should be haunted, seeing as she had nothing to do with how he took his life.

Cheers,
TJay
128
128
Review by Madridista
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a refreshing take on marines' world. I thought it would be another literary display of military gizmos and action, but it's thrilled me for its humour instead.

A couple of questions:
Why the jumps from Roman text to italics?
Why did Myra "all of a sudden" have all the attention on her?

Otherwise, as you'll note from my EPS, your punctuation needs some brushing up.

I hadn't read the first chapter when I came across this, but it's impressed me enough to seek it...

Cheers,
TJay
129
129
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Man you've crrracked me up with this one! Ha ha! That ole Texan diction, those descriptions of characters, those reactions to circumstances; they made the legend be a sideshow in a circus of a life. But that legend angle did add some depth to distinguish it from the chapter of accidents-esque style of other comedy pieces. And you did build a memorable main character with a name ridiculous enough to be remembered as well.
Bravo! I can't believe you didn't win the competition this piece was entered into!

Cheers,
TJay

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
130
130
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kathie,

Julianne goes through a lot in this story; it could easily be stretched into a novel. But the tragedy of her (first) husband dying in an accident is given away too fast, even before the reader knows what he meant to the narrator. I'd suggest moving that to after the flashback.
I'd also suggest sticking to one tense; you jump from present to past tense in an inconsistent format.

Otherwise, you might want to edit the following:

(In the blurb): Julianne losses her love – loses her love
Finishing each others sentences, it was a lovely relationship. - This is ungrammatical. The second part of the sentence should refer to the nouns in the first (e.g. Fiinishing each other's sentences, they had a lovely relationship).
“It was a lovely relationship. The first time they made love, it was like...” - This is too much of a leap in plot. People don't meet one day and become lovers the next. Add some flesh plot in between.

That's all. Hope this helps.
Cheers,
TJay

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
131
131
Review of Irene  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
Rather than edit this for grammar, I'll hail it for the empathy it evokes as it jumps from hospital room to kid school; from the genesis of friendship to the potential end of one's life journey. You needed not go through the motions of what happened in between; these two convey all the nostalgia and sadness of the moment, and leave one feeling the sense of loss of the narrator.

Regards,
TJay
132
132
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A lot takes place within your story. It could have been spread over several chapters, but you've compressed it relatively well. Just noted the following errors:

“Missing people taken by ghosts, going after their family members next.” This implies it's the missing people that go after the family members; rewrite to indicate clearly that it's the ghosts you meant.
The only respond was a tightened grip on my arm. - The only response...
Inside, were a few people, as white as... Inside were a few people, as white as... (remove the comma between 'inside' and 'were')
Little the girl nor did I understand what we were feeling. Little the girl nor did I understand what we were feeling. – Neither the girl nor I understood; or Little did the girl nor I understand...
"Why am I here?"/ "To kill me," I said, trembling at the experience. - This bit of dialogue sounds unnatural. Who in their right mind would remind their pursuer of their lethal mission?
I knew that I had fell in love with you – had fallen in love with you.

Lastly, you didn't tie the loose end as to how Conrad ended up in this other realm. You need to address that.

Cheers,
Tjay
133
133
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's nice of you to use fantasy not just for fun but to make an environmental – on the importance of trees (you kind of reminded me of Avatar). Below are the concerns I have with your writing:

The intro is too long. Break it up somewhere; you don't have to give all the bad-luck info at a go.

You have been here far fewer generations that we have – (should be:) than we have.

And I suppose trees can’t talk either, or hug one like you, huh. – Use a question mark, not a fullstop.

Lastly, the story seems to have two clashing themes in it. It starts out like a comedy, with Karen getting into all sorts of accidents, then has a sudden shift to this vision about trees with a serious undertone. It's like watching a cartoon then suddenly getting breaking news about the infamous oil spill.

That's all. Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Tjay

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
134
134
Review of The Condition  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ha ha ha. I loved the ending. Once a writer, always a writer, I guess. You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape “The condition”. The only cure is to embrace it and accommodate it in your life. Keep a notebook for the sudden bursts of inspiration, wake up in the middle of the night if that's when the muse hits you, and so on. Anyway, the good thing with inspiration is that it isn't always there, which is a bad thing sometimes but hey, at least it doesn't make for a permanent obsession.

Cheers,
TJay
135
135
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the angle you've used to come round to your conclusion. And the thought-provoking message your poem conveys within such brevity.

What I would edit is the second stanza, which lacks the rhyme others have, and the first line in that stanza, where "lead" instead of "leads" is a relatively unjustifiable grammatical lapse.

Cheers,
TJay
136
136
Review of I Love America!  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think America sounds a lot more lovable now that Bush is no longer in charge. Bush was someone the world loved to hate. He just seemed to make himself more hateable every time he spoke, and the misguided actions of his tenure, particularly in foreign policy, made America pay the price in terms of popularity. It baffles the mind how the same Obama who redeemed America's image is now battling low ratings.

Anyway, if there's anything to be envied, it's the freedoms that Americans enjoy, vis-a-vis other countries. Clearly, you have come a long way as a country, and you yourself have embodied some of these struggles. There are certain excesses in your freedoms though that give a negative impression of America. Leave alone gay rights, there's the hip hop/rock culture and how it portrays women as sex objects; there's Hollywood and how it keeps lowering the sex and nudity bar; and there's the strip clubs, brothels etc. that make foreigners fear raising their kids in America. Granted, these things exist in Europe and other areas as well, but there's something about America and its freedoms that make it stand out in this regard. It's probably for such reasons that long after Bush is gone and foreign policies have changed, there still exists a lot of anti-Americanism in places like the Middle East, including those liberated from political oppression by the very same America.

Anyway, that's my own "ramble" on the subject. *Smile*

Cheers,
Tjay

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
137
137
Review of When Hearts Bond  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice quick read touching on a thorny issue in relationships - seemingly insurmountable differences.

Noted these errors:
Not one of my favorite fruits, it didn't occur to me that my caretaker Rosa wouldn't have bought them. "It" in "it didn't occur to me" should refer to the banana, because that's what the dependent clause "not one of my favourite fruits" refers to.

wsihed (in the last line) - should be wished
138
138
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Per…fect! That’s the first word thing that came to my mind as I savoured the ending. You built up to it so well, too; from the seemingly out-of-place gun, to the secret document, to the decision to make the mysterious telephone call, to the revelations and twists when that call was made, to the potential playing-into-the-bad-guy’s-hands, to the confession, not of love, but of how busted the guy was, to the way he was disposed off – if you’d written it any other way, it would need some redemption *Smile* I initially thought the pace was too slow, but in retrospect, it too was fine. And the blurb is a hook, if I ever saw one.

The overall grammar was on point too, save for the following errors:

Crock's – crocs
why hadn't he been told about her mother – this line is later repeated verbatim after the flashback. Either do away with the repetition, or rephrase it; it sounds redundant.
She insisted that Sam to go to bed – insisted that Sam goes to bed; or urged Sam to go to Bed
sanitarium - sanatorium
do her biding – do her bidding
Ben ate his meal it was delicious – separate the two sentences with a semi-colon, or, preferably, fullstop.
I afraid I've been a naughty, naughty girl – I’m afraid…

Cheers,
TJay
139
139
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like the blurb: I gave you my all & yet you're gone. It almost doesn't need elaboration, but you've made a good case anyway of the emotional investment and insecurity and how the persona's world all came tumbling down when her worst fears materialised. My favourite part is the last four lines:

The battle I lost
Was only because I was afraid
Of losing you
And then painfully I really lost YOU

Otherwise, this part seems a bit jumbled, like two lines have run into each other (especially the second line):

I fought my pride
With Thoughts Win I might

Other than that, there are bits of rhyme here and there; I think if you employ rhyme, then it should be consistent or at least at regular sections of the stanzas. I think this would be fine as a freestyle all through.

That's all. *Smile*

Cheers,
TJay
140
140
Review of Oh the Cost  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Simple yet thought-provoking. In a nut shell, it tells a tale of sacrifice; a tale of suffering, both emotional and physical; and a tale of the ultimate price: death; a risk that everyone who wants to be a soldier signs up for; all in the name of keeping their country free. A worthy dedication to all heroes and heroines on the battlefront.

Cheers,
TJay
141
141
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The poem is intricate enough to warrant such a professional analysis, yet conforming to rhyme, alliteration, and other poetry standards; kudos for pulling that off. Its flow is however lost in the shuttling back and forth between the lines and their interpretation, though this is, to an extent, rectified by your posting it in its entirety at the end (I'd prefer it at the beginning). The picture alongside this post also helps set the scene for the reader.

I like the rhetorical-question ending in that it piques one's interest as to the identity alluded to in the poem. I also like the idea of a killer who leaves poems behind; I haven't heard of that before. It's always something like a trademark object, a graffiti-style threat to kill others, etc. This one is sure to keep the cops guessing.

Cheers,
Tjay
142
142
Review of The Camera  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I admire the ability to write a story without dialogue or any fancy action and still be interesting. The characterisation is the standout strength of this piece; how obsessed Paul is with his camera, how that bores other people, and how odd a couple he and Kristen are could not have been brought out any better. There is also an element of jealousy hinted by the last line, the timing of which makes the story a brilliant piece of flash fiction.

Cheers,
TJay
143
143
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The idea of absorbing someone else's injuries at first baffled me, then I remembered a horror movie I once watched where the bad guy tortured the guy he was after by hurting himself and somehow making the good guy feel it instead. He would break his fingers, cut himself... and the other guy would start screaming as though he's gone mad. It was a rare bit of originality in horror movies that I'm glad you've reminded me of.

Anyway, in your own story, clearly, there is no sadism involved. Which begs the question, why does Brandon absorb Julie's pains? For the story's ending to really be final, this question needs to be answered.

Otherwise, I would advise spliting the story into chapters; it's too long for a single read, especially online.

Cheers,
TJay
144
144
Review of A First  
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.5)
That description of the kiss is a killer *Bigsmile* minty, slimy sensation ...something moist and squishy made its way into my mouth... I felt like I was drowning... These words capture all the innocence and all the horror in the same breath. And the idea of becoming a "deflowered kisser" sums it up.

But that this 'embarrassing moment' turns into a lesson on self-worth is the true beauty of this piece. Brief, funny, but above all, enlightening. Perfect delivery.

Cheers,
TJay
145
145
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This reminds me of the documentary film, Assassination of a President, where the fictional assassination of George Bush triggers a hysteria that makes all Muslims literally guilty until proven innocent. That the wrong guy is eventually victimized is testament to how irrational the rush to get “justice” can become. The whole Iraqi war was partly driven by this. It was so easy for the government to whip up citizen passions post 9-11, what with their WMD claims and all. But as you've so rightly pointed out in your story: “The fullness of time has a way of dashing rumors and innuendo to shreds.”

It's a shame how some minorities are making the whole Arabic lot look bad, but indeed, that doesn't justify suspicion over presumption of innocence. This story makes a good case for tolerance.

Otherwise, from a grammatical perspective, I didn't see any errors, and I liked your use of short sentences.

Cheers,
TJay
146
146
Review by Madridista
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Though there are light moments here and there (like the wheelchair confused as bathroom bit, and the “female Klingon” on a motorized cart bit), the underlying message of this piece hits home hard – that not only are we all headed for the ravages of old age (loss of independence and privacy), but that the eerie world of a nursing home lies in wait. As such, the part about the old woman begging to be taken back home was really touching. It poses a moral question that society really ought to answer. Just because someone is old and over-reliant on others doesn't mean they should be literally quarantined with other elderly cast-aways for the rest of their lives. I hope the novel you mentioned builds on this point and is given adequate attention, as this is a matter that concerns us all. Unless, of course, them scientists find a cure for aging. *Smile*

Does the title mean your novel is written in that language, whichever it is? And the blurb, I thought you meant you racked your brains real hard to compose this story, but now that I know better, I think it's pretty creative. *Bigsmile*

Cheers,
Tjay

PS. I've reviewed with the assumption that this is a true story, not a work of fiction.
147
147
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You've captured the things that make a crush, from admiration to fantasies to unfulfilled desires. Since you're using punctuation, I think you should introduce commas where necessary in stanza two and three. And stanza four sounds like a break-up scenario, if not one of a lover whose partner is dead; wish you could make it more clear. Otherwise, I'm used to the style where every line begins with a capital letter on the first word, but I find your style creatively acceptable. And the blue-coloured font is appropriate for this context; it helps set the bittersweet tone of wishful thinking.

Cheers,
TJay
148
148
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As you saw in my story, Screaming for Obama:

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#1598368 by Not Available.


I was very much with you in welcoming President Obama and wishing him well. Your observations have been more prophetic, though, with Obama since making the occasional stumble, wisely leading the US out of the economic crisis, and modestly re-engaging the outside world, in contrast to Bush's “either you're with us or against us” philosophy.

One thing you've got me on is the booing of Bush in the heat of the moment. It was a mob psychology thing, but I would probably have thought twice about it if I'd reasoned like you.

All in all, a short and sweet piece on one of those moments we feel proud to have lived to see. Thank you for sharing.

Cheers,
TJay
149
149
Review of November 5, 2008  
Review by Madridista
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This piece is rich in history in terms of racial relations, with the personal touch of your own experiences. It's a refreshing take on Obama's triumph over racism. To his credit, though, he did not play politics with his race to win sympathy votes. He earned his election, and, in my opinion, is doing enough to warrant re-election. As a black person myself (albeit a foreigner), I can only salute you for rising above your background and judging Obama not by the colour of his skin but by the content of his character, to quote Martin Luther King.

As for a woman president, I hope you live long enough to see that as well. Despite her loss, Hillary Clinton proved that this isn't exactly an illusion either.

Cheers,
Tjay
150
150
Review by Madridista
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a touching and inspirational story; I wonder if it's true? The characters, particularly the granny and the child, draw the reader's empathy and earn Hank admiration for his kindness.

While it's not hard to cherish the decades-later reunion with the once-upon-a-time child in need, the leap in time is not clearly brought out. Hank meets the child on a Saturday, and "the next morning was Sunday", in which he meets her as a granny. Maybe it's just me, but it really feels like something is missing. I've tried to think of the donation to the kid as a flashback, but you're saying "the next morning was a Sunday" and following it up with an encounter with the same character as a granny simply doesn't add up. Note the passage of time between the great depression and the present, or distinguish the "flashback" more clearly.

Otherwise, on a grammatical note, the following need to be revised:

1. "...he also preferred behind the scenes. If he had his preference..." - Preferred what behind the scenes? Preferred being behind the scenes, preferred life behind the scenes, etc.? Something's missing. Also, it is not advisable to use the same word more than once in the same paragraph (in this case prefer, in the forms 'preferred' and 'preference'). It implies a shortage of vocabulary.

2. Without conscience knowledge - Without conscious knowledge. Conscience referred to our sense of right and wrong, which I doubt is what you meant here.

3. “Yes, sir, Hank.” My mother... to eat anyway. - Put the closing speech marks after anyway, not after Hank, as it cuts out the rest of the speech.

All in all, this is a story with a good message but also room for improvement. I hope I'm the one who missed something, otherwise the clarity issue is to me the main concern.

Cheers, TJ
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