You certainly now how to show the reader your inner feelings.
This piece wonderfully captures your theme of looking for answers to your questions in the world around you.
You show the solution to peace in the waves of the ocean. I always feel peaceful near the sea, with the the gentle splashing waves to calm my spirit.
You show calm in the howling wind blowing through the trees. Though the wind howls at times, to me, it's as if it can grab away your fears and take them far away from your troubled mind.
You conjure up the imagery of the past by describing shadows of the night. These dark silhouettes are memories long forgotten.
Once again, your final lines give inspiration to change your life in whatever way you desire; with birdsong, love and light in your soul!
Wonderful! I thoroughly enjoyed this one!
Keep up the good work!
Frankies Girl
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Suggestion:
Maybe you could put this poem into 2-3 short stanzas for even more impact on the reader.
Your piece has a good storyline full of nice detail and attention to character building. It flowed well and gave the reader a chance to get to know its characters.
It had a happy outcome, but I'm afraid I didn't feel satisfied! You built it up well to the end, but left me thinking "Not another dream ending."
Obviously, its your creation, but if you ever thought about selling it, I'm afraid publishers would have the same response.
Frankies Girl
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Some suggestions/grammatical observations:
Line 3 the apprehensions of a juvenile mind. “What would be the crowd be like?” “Will be the guys be cute?” & “The Director seems pansy” It would read better ...What would the crowd be like? Would the guys be cute? The Director seems a pansy.
Line beginning Today is the reunion of the class of 1994. Tense mix up. Should be Today was the reunion...
Have a better look at your punctuation and tenses.
This is a wonderful tribute to "non discrimination" in any form whatsoever.
Wouldn't it be exceptional, if we could all think as children do! We have so many fears and prejudices, that we don't have time to remember how nice it is, just to see someone smile. We don't need to react because of the person who is smiling; their colour, their status; their creed!
I think you Mom learnt a lesson from you that day on the bus, and she should be proud of you!
I admire you greatly and thank you for sharing your opinion so vividly!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
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This is a wonderful tribute to "non discrimation" in any form whatsoever.
Wouldn't it be exceptional, if we could all think as children do! We have so many fears and prejudices, that we don't have time to remember how nice it is, just to see someone smile. We don't need to react because of the person who is smiling; their colour, their status; their creed!
I think you Mom learnt a lesson from you that day on the bus, and she should be proud of you!
I admire you greatly and thank you for sharing your opinion so vividly!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
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Your poem has been written from your heart and has lots of hope and beauty in its lines.
What I don't understand (because you state this is about you) is, with so many strong feelings, (which you have written down admirably) why don't you just believe the words you have written?
I think people come into our lives for reason, and we should explore that reason inside out.
You poem is questioning and full of dreams. You have plans for your future with this person, but you won't get up and grab the opportunity to make them real.
Your last lines, though offering to be there for her, also seem a little defeatist! I would get a move on, if I were you, and not miss what could be the best thing that ever happened to you! What do you think?
You've heard the lines of a song, "It started with a kiss?" You've already done that!
Frankies Girl
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Some suggestions:
Your poem would read better set out into a few stanzas, which would separate a little more your thoughts and dreams.
Line 2 But than instead, I went running far out of sight Typo. should be But then instead...
Line 3 I was just to scared Should be I was just too scared
7 Lines from the end How your so hot like a fire burning typo. should be How you're so hot...
Have another look at where punctuation might improve your lines.
You have good character building lines in the text, backed up with vivid scene setting.
Your theme of family honour is strong and your main character carries it out very well to the end, despite his depicted age.
The whole piece, based on a chess tournament for honour, came over well, and allowed the reader to feel the emotions of Mr Mishki. He won't give up his fight, and at the end we find out why.
Your piece was very entertaining and paid much attention to detail. You ended at a point where the themes of "hope" and 'never giving up without a fight' shone through admirably.
Your story reflected the title very well.
Well done.
Frankies Girl
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Some comments/suggestions:
Line beginning these pieces, Mishki had never lost. When he had been younger, he had won Tense mix up. I would use ....When he was younger, he won
Line beginning “Must be age finally starting to catch me.” Flows better "(It) Must be age, finally catching up with me."
You have good descriptions, but I would cut them down to read the same with fewer words. Some seem a little longwinded.
With a little work on your 'passive' and 'showing' lines, you could get more impact with a better balance.
You said this was your favourite song so far, and it obviously has lots of meaning for you. The sun seems to be a strong focal point in your lyrics and this to me signifies energy, healing and strength; which your main character needs to rejuvenate his spirit.
He has obviously been hurt in love and needs to find himself and his path again. He is disillusioned and has much doubt about the relationship and once again, looks to the sun for his answers.
It's very simple but has some nice emotion in its lines.
What sort of music did you have in mind? To be, it seems like a ballad.
Well done.
Frankies Girl
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Comments/suggestions.
Line beginning hold on we'er goin for a ride Typo. Should be ..we're..
I would capitalize where necessary. You've got everything in lower case at the moment and the emotions are lost a little. I know it's not a poem, but lyrics need to read well too! Think about it on an album sleeve.
Watch your punctuation. eg. I'll
I felt the chorus should be cut and the extra lines used in the main lyrics instead.
You have told about your sad experience with someone who left your soul and mind in pieces.
Your story and descriptions, vividly explain the reasons as to your "rainy heart" and how that lead to a tragedy, when you couldn't take it anymore!
I admire you greatly for writing this piece and having the courage to share it!
Anyone can tell you, it will be alright, but you will have to let time heal you and see for yourself that things will become brighter in your life in the future.
Your imagery is very vivid and thought provoking and the flow allows the reader to feel what you went through, and are still going through.
I wish you innerpeace and lots of happiness in your life. Something I truly believe you deserve!
Your story was really original and with a fast pace.
You introduce your main characters early and their little mannerisms or faults. They are described cleverly - The nagging wife. The henpecked husband, who can never do anything right! The "cry wolf" neighbour and the 'adulterer,' who just happened to be your main character's lover! Very clever!
Your scene setting is excellent and your imagination and descriptions, very vivid. The conversations were very realistic too!
Poor cat!
I loved the idea of Arnie! He was really cute!
The humour in this piece was brilliant and the story had good tension and intertwining imagery, which worked very well.
I liked the ending, which stopped at the right point, and tied up everything with a moral.
Well done for such an entertaining piece, that should be read by all!
Frankies Girl
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Some suggestions/comments/grammatical errors:
Line beginning “Joe,” it started. “we really do not have a lot of time for questions.” Put a capital on "We.. and a full stop after "Joe."
Line beginning even think of what two millions dollars could Take the 's' away from 'million'
Title Yesterday Underline to be consistent.
Line beginning She invited me in and we sat down to an outstanding dinner. Your imagery would have had more impact, if you just named what you had to eat.
Line beginning The police busted through the front It should be The police burst through the door
Line beginning luxury because I thought I would not truly die. Some naïve part Typo. 'Niaive.'
Watch your punctuation, which was lacking in some places.
After seeing your request on the plug page a number of times, I decided to review your work.
Your poem uses simple words that conjure up lots of sad images.
It's obviously giving an account of a survivor of the September 11th tragedy, who cannot come to terms with the terrible experience, and has buried all inside.
Your first stanza, details your life after as a survivor. Your photo filled walls are still the same and untarnished, though your loved one is no longer here. The monster you refer to was death, and you managed to "slip through its teeth" when you survived.
Stanza two, goes on to show that time has passed and the once fresh earth on the graves of victims, have now dried. You tell of the victims, who are still living - be they survivors of the families of survivors themselves - who are still suffering the aftermath of this terrible tragedy. You don't feel part of that, as you do not class yourself as a victim. Maybe you just can't accept it happened and won't allow it to hurt you again.
Stanza three, almost oozes with your feelings on not being affected I do not feel the World's distress. I curse my cheerful mind.. yet you feel left behind, because you cannot experience the pain that needs to come out. It's hidden deep within you.
Stanza four, then looks to the future, which everyone can see but you, when the time will come and the tragedy will hit you hard. At this time, that monster would have won, and only you'll be able to see what damage was done to your soul. This will be the time for grieving, acceptance and healing.
Stanza five, talks about time moving on and you grieving alone. You return to the day that claimed so many, and show that it's gone and so has your loved one and your heart.
Stanza six, details the the last resting place of your friend, who's funeral seems long ago and has left no memorial to honour him. You find comfort in faith, which you feel is enough to keep you going for now.
Your words are sad and flow well and are an admirable tribute to this day; which will never be forgotten!
It rhymed, but did not take away from the seriousness of the emotions. I wish you innerpeace!
Your story is very sweet and full of good personal emotions and details.
Your fishing trip made me giggle, especially the 'burping fish.'
The underlying theme of love was very subtle yet shone through admirably.
The story flowed at a good pace and was very easy to read.
I love the end line I had been hooked after all. which wonderfully concluded your story and its theme.
Well done.
Frankies Girl
ps. Love the photo!
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some suggestions:
Lines 3&4 but we did find a 10-foot-high ledge Reads better as ten foot high ledge
Line beginning hatch was set in a 4-foot by 4-foot concrete slab - I would change this to ..set in a four by four foot concrete slab I think the reader will understand.
Line beginning minnows only. If we had meant to catch the word 'only' after minnows is unnecessary.
Your poem gives lots of historical details into events which contributed to colonial america.
Your set the scene and give the date as summer sixteen se’enty-four in the new Virginia colony. You detail the battles between Native Americans and the settlers and how Bacon took it into his own hands to go to battle. You show unity of black and white soldiers, who fought side by side for what they believed was the right thing to do.
You continue with the battle of power and wills between Bacon and Berkeley and how their constant fight for power and control was resolved in the hanging of Bacon's lieutenants.
Your history tour then goes on to describe slavery and the prejudice in the "hearts of the ruling class" against black and white soldiers fighting side by side.
You round up your thoughts and historical facts, in the the final line "The country we know as the US of A."
I found it interesting to read, as I don't know much about American history, but also sad at the way the Native Americans were treated as well as the Black Americans. It seems throughout history, someone always has to pay for others deeds!
Frankies Girl
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Comments: The poem, though very factual, lost its rythym in a few places, losing its impact a little.
The use of colours and bold, was a litle hard on the eyes.
Some of your lines rhyme and some don't, which gives the poem a feeling of untidiness at times.
This first chapter allows us to go on a journey with Karla, your main character.
You move in logical sequence and give the reader an introduction to why Karla has decided to leave and follow her true destiny. Along the way, we find out her "history" and family details. She is fragile and from your characterisation, we find out why.
You cleverly put her in a car and give us the feeling of her journey whilst driving and her journey in life and the unknown.
You give excellent background information on Karla. Your insight into her character is full and gives the reader every single emotion she feels, how she looks and how she thinks. I think you've allowed us to almost get inside her head. Well done. eg The sun, now just making its way over the horizon, bringing daylight into existence again, and shedding the nights shroud of shadows behind it. But, shadows never disappeared in her mind,..
Excellent scene setting, general descriptions and emotions.
I loved the imagery/simile you used here. Even though this was her family, what was left of it anyway, she knew they were all only a thread away of being severed from her life. To me, this shows her feelings wonderfully and also the fragility of her family.
Your first chapter ends at a good point which urges the reader to continue onto the next one - just to find out what happens to Karla.
Your idea is original and full of raw emotions and thought provoking lines.
I thoroughly enjoyed it and can see why you have were awarded an orange ribbon.
An overall good read. Keep writing!
Frankies Girl
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Comments/suggestions:
First Para Line beginning What are you doing?" she whispered once again as if it were the only thing she could mutter over and over ever since she left her husband sitting in his usual chair in the suburban living room home he occupied, surrounded by empty beer cans and the TV set on, as he slept it off in the usual nightly routine. I would break these down into 2-3 sentences for easier reading.
Para 2 Line 2 them, the kids now grown had went off to live their own lives Typo. should be ...had gone off to live..
Para 2 Lines 2-5 Her daughter, now married with her own little boy, and her son, who had traveled off to what he felt was a better life, at least a better life for him, confused as he was both then and now, to the big city, the 'Big Speakeasy' of New Orleans. I would break these lines up like this Her daughter was now married with her own little boy. Her son, who had traveled off to what he felt was a better life - at least a better life for him - was confused.....
I would break down some of your longer sentences into shorter ones, for easier reading and flow.
I'm so sorry about your experience, but your embarrassing moment had a humourous side to it!
You tell your story very well, and luckily, you're still here and can laugh about it now!
This very personal account was full of imagery and emotion. I liked the way you linked your "almost tragedy" with humour and also brought in the poor guy with staples in his head.
Your descriptioons are vivid and give the reader the feelings you had from swallowing the quills to when they were eventually taken out from your throat. It must have been very traumatic for you not knowing if you were going to live or die, but luckily all went well and you lived to share it with the reader.
I can't believe the hospital staff laughed at you and the other patient - I think that was very unprofessional; especially as both outcomes could have been tragic.
You round the story up very well with a moral, which I liked!
Well done for such an original piece and I can see why it won a green ribbon.
Frankies Girl
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Yes Mick7. I think all of us, at one time in our lives, have felt how you feel in this poem!
I think the secret is not to try and just let it happen. I believe our destiny will bring us loved ones to cherish and lessons to learn. The important thing is that we recognise those lessons, learn why we are being tested and carry on stronger for the experience.
You are very right. Not one of us is perfect! We just have to do the best we can to be ourselves and live our lives to the full.
Don't despair! Your turn will come!
Frankies Girl
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Suggestion:
I would try to put this poem into stanzas which would give it more impact.
Your story has an excellent mixture of imagery, description and raw emotion. You really know how to set the scene and allow the reader to be part of your writing.
I found it an original angle on a very old theme, which made it fresh and enjoying to read. Your conversation was also believable.
The pace was just perfect and the time structure wonderful - and all in less than 900 words!
I think you should find a contest and enter your story. I'm sure it would do very well!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Some suggestions/grammatical errors:
Line 4 Crosses her arms and exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes for the window over the sink Reads better Crossing her arms, she exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes towards the window over the sink This continues the present continuous tense.
Line 8 watching as the bird twitches I would replace 'the bird' with 'a bird'
Line beginning corner of the kitchen, running nervous fingers through his hair, ducking his head. Reads better corner of the kitchen; running nervous fingers through his hair, as he ducks his head.
Line beginning and desolation, sinking into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk. Reads better and desolation, as she sinks into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk.
Line beginning the perfect place to watch the sunrise, and in the evening the sky along the open horizon deepened and darkened with gold and midnight, sharp, silver streaks of stars that branched up and outwards. Reads better the perfect place to watch the sunrise and in the evening, the sky along the open horizon; deepened with gold and midnight sharp, silver streaks of stars, that branched up and outwards.
Line beginning Winters in Maui, summers in Aspen. Slipping up the stairs in the dead of night, lavender and naked chests, kisses dipped and lowered for places they would never think to mention in the day. In these lines I would replace all punctuation with semi colons.
Line beginning She climbs the stairs and enters their bedroom. Treads on thick beige carpet and adjusts the cardigan at her shoulders. Reads better She climbed the stairs and entered their bedroom. Treading on thick beige carpet, she adjusted the cardigan at her shoulders.
Line beginning “What are we gonna do?” 'gonna' seems out of character, considering their previous conversation.
Line beginning It hurts to admit that time is gone. I would replace the 'is gone' with 'has gone' as it's more grammatically correct.
Line beginning She nods, turns away, breaths deeply Typo. Should be 'breathes'
I cleared my ratings and re rated this, as I think it deserved the 4.5 instead of 4.0. Keep writing!
SORRY FOR THE REPITITION EVERYONE. MY COMPUTER IS HAVING PROBLEMS!
Your story has an excellent mixture of imagery, description and raw emotion. You really know how to set the scene and allow the reader to be part of your writing.
I found it an original angle on a very old theme, which made it fresh and enjoying to read. Your conversation was also believable.
The pace was just perfect and the time structure wonderful - and all in less than 900 words!
I think you should find a contest and enter your story. I'm sure it would do very well!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Some suggestions/grammatical errors:
Line 4 Crosses her arms and exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes for the window over the sink Reads better Crossing her arms, she exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes towards the window over the sink This continues the present continuous tense.
Line 8 watching as the bird twitches I would replace 'the bird' with 'a bird'
Line beginning corner of the kitchen, running nervous fingers through his hair, ducking his head. Reads better corner of the kitchen; running nervous fingers through his hair, as he ducks his head.
Line beginning and desolation, sinking into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk. Reads better and desolation, as she sinks into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk.
Line beginning the perfect place to watch the sunrise, and in the evening the sky along the open horizon deepened and darkened with gold and midnight, sharp, silver streaks of stars that branched up and outwards. Reads better the perfect place to watch the sunrise and in the evening, the sky along the open horizon; deepened with gold and midnight sharp, silver streaks of stars, that branched up and outwards.
Line beginning Winters in Maui, summers in Aspen. Slipping up the stairs in the dead of night, lavender and naked chests, kisses dipped and lowered for places they would never think to mention in the day. In these lines I would replace all punctuation with semi colons.
Line beginning She climbs the stairs and enters their bedroom. Treads on thick beige carpet and adjusts the cardigan at her shoulders. Reads better She climbed the stairs and entered their bedroom. Treading on thick beige carpet, she adjusted the cardigan at her shoulders.
Line beginning “What are we gonna do?” 'gonna' seems out of character, considering their previous conversation.
Line beginning It hurts to admit that time is gone. I would replace the 'is gone' with 'has gone' as it's more grammatically correct.
Line beginning She nods, turns away, breaths deeply Typo. Should be 'breathes'
I clared my ratings and re rated this, as I think it deserved the 4.5 instead of 4.0. Keep writing!
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Your story has an excellent mixture of imagery, description and raw emotion. You really know how to set the scene and allow the reader to be part of your writing.
I found it an original angle on a very old theme, which made it fresh and enjoying to read. You conversation was also believable.
The pace was just perfect and the time structure wonderful - and all in less than 900 words!
I think you should find a contest and enter your story. I'm sure it would do very well!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Some suggestions/grammatical errors:
Line 4 Crosses her arms and exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes for the window over the sink Reads better Crossing her arms, she exhales heavily through her mouth, turning her eyes towards the window over the sink This continues the present continuous tense.
Line 8 watching as the bird twitches I would replace 'the bird' with 'a bird'
Line beginning corner of the kitchen, running nervous fingers through his hair, ducking his head. Reads better corner of the kitchen; running nervous fingers through his hair, as he ducks his head.
Line beginning and desolation, sinking into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk. Reads better and desolation, as she sinks into a dining chair upholstered in Italian silk.
Line beginning the perfect place to watch the sunrise, and in the evening the sky along the open horizon deepened and darkened with gold and midnight, sharp, silver streaks of stars that branched up and outwards. Reads better the perfect place to watch the sunrise and in the evening, the sky along the open horizon; deepened with gold and midnight sharp, silver streaks of stars, that branched up and outwards.
Line beginning Winters in Maui, summers in Aspen. Slipping up the stairs in the dead of night, lavender and naked chests, kisses dipped and lowered for places they would never think to mention in the day. In these lines I would replace all punctuation with semi colons.
Line beginning She climbs the stairs and enters their bedroom. Treads on thick beige carpet and adjusts the cardigan at her shoulders. Reads better She climbed the stairs and entered their bedroom. Treading on thick beige carpet, she adjusted the cardigan at her shoulders.
Line beginning “What are we gonna do?” 'gonna' seems out of character, considering their previous conversation.
Line beginning It hurts to admit that time is gone. I would replace the 'is gone' with 'has gone' as it's more grammatically correct.
Line beginning She nods, turns away, breaths deeply Typo. Should be 'breathes'
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Your piece was full of emotion, tension, hope of victory, memories and action. I felt as though I were there in the crowd too!
It flowed at a good pace and climaxed at the correct time.
The language was perfect for the story content and was also easy to read.
You have many good descriptions and imagery too!
Well done for an entertaining piece.
Frankies Girl
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Some suggestions/grammatical corrections:
Line 5 there was normally steeled determination; a comma after determination seems more grammatically correct.
Line 7 “You need to move son,” encouraged Centennial High Wrestling Coach Tom Dyer; I would place a comma after 'Coach,'
Line 8 hands clapping in the common gesture that every coach used to inspire his athlete to go on. reads better hands clapping in the common gesture every coach uses to inspire his/an athlete to go on.
3rd Para Last line season. It had led him to being the best. Invert 'him' and 'to'
Para 4 Line 1 The screaming of his father brought time speeding up to the moment where both I would put a comma after 'father,'
Line beginning “Come on Eric,” his younger siblings clenched each other tears streaming down their I would put a comma after 'other,'
Line beginning The opposite wrestler closed the distance and tried grappling Might read better His opponent closed the distance and tried grappling
Line 7 from the end Time froze as the young man had shot in and would easily control the takedown. I think this needs rewording for more clarity.
6 Lines from the end Everyone in the crowd went crazy as Might flow better The crowd went crazy as which then leads into the climax of the next line.
3 Lines from the end Tears flooded down his face Might have more impact if you changed 'flooded' to 'flooding'
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Looking through your port and reading many of your items, I found your Forum on Chronic Pain.
I had limited knowledge about this debilitating syndrome, until I read your pieces on the subject.
I greatly admire you, as you have written about your "illness" - I hope this word is OK to use - in a comprehensive and positive way. You also find the time, strength and courage, to live your life to the full - including the time and effort you spend running your Forum and writing in general.
This Forum, had many entries, which shows there are many others who suffer too! I think readers - sufferers and non - should visit it and understand a little more about this problem.
You have some nice ideas for an amusing piece, which seem to come right out of one of those films I've seen with a young blonde lad. You know the one I mean!?!
The pace runs smoothly and your scene setting is good, with very good descriptions to back up your ideas. Your conversations are also very believable of this typically sterotyped family - used normally in similar tv films.
I loved the twist at the end!
Here are some suggestions that might improve the piece:
Use less passive descriptions and "show" more.
Would someone pay a small time crook to burgle? This seemed unlikely as he didn't know what he would find.
3rd Para Line 1 - Jimmy "the snake" Delaney I think here Jimmy "The Snake" Delaney would be more appropriate as it's his nickname. As in the other times this nickname is mentioned in the piece.
3rd Para Line 7 - a little bad about doin this one. Was this for effect as per the character or should it have been a little bad doing this one?
3rd Para Lines 7-9 But hell, thought the snake, turning philosophical...life's a bitch! They'll learn an important lesson and they've probably got a good insurance plan anyway! This would probably work better in italics, as they're his thoughts.
Para 4 Lines 1&2 Jimmy stood quietly in the shadows of the small back porch, listening. The only sound was the gentle chirping of early morning crickets. There's a continuity problem here. Surely it should have been "later that night?"
Para 6 Lines 2&3 Be cool, thought Jimmy. Easy. No big problem. Once again, they're his thoughts. Could be put into italics. As with all his other thoughts in the piece.
Frankies Girl
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