An interesting almost surreal account of a birth. The main character, Kate, is developed well. Your introduction to her feelings and 'dreams' for lack of a better word, added to the tension and scene setting. The other characters are well descibed too and the conversations and interactions between them worked well, and added to the stories development.
You've given a problem which was half solved but left the reader thinking about its message. You've also touched open genital mutilation and explained well its complications.
Your ending is very sad, but concludes with the point I think you're trying to put over. It left me feeling emotional and understanding the futility of some actions or gestures of help which may be offered.
A very interesting read. Good luck in the competition.
Frankies Girl
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Suggestions:
Some of your lines could be broken down a little further, as they are too long.
Your conversations would stand out more if separated.
Also your paragraphs need definition by using spacing.
It's always good to take time out and look at one's life. In this story, you have allowed the main character, James, to do just that. He have re evaluated his life and his decision is adventurous and also crazy at the same time.
The story held me captivated from beginning to end and your descriptions and explanations, as to his decision, were well written.
I enjoyed your scene setting and some of his emotions. His family background was also well written and tied up loose ends in the story.
The ending was satisfying, as it left room for more change in this character.
An entertaining read Jordan, and good luck in the contest.
Frankies Girl
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Further Comments:
Line beginning But now, just two weeks after closing on a stunning penthouse apartment overlooking the East River, James had disappeared without so much as leaving a note. He had called his secretary and left her a voicemail stating that he would not be coming to work anymore. The last line contradicts the first lines. Maybe you could reword slightly.
Line beginning Now after thirty-six hours of driving, James brought the dilapidated 1984 Buick LeSabre that he had purchased yesterday in Chinatown to a stop outside of a small shack a few miles south of Key Largo in Tavernier, Florida. This is too long. It could be reworded or broken down further into shorter sentences. There are also other examples of sentences which could be broken down further, throughout.
Your descriptions are good but the passive writing took away a little from the emotions, which could have given more impact if you 'showed' how he felt, instead of just describing his feelings. Also his name was a little overused and could have been replaced by pronouns.
I liked your poem. It gave a good insight into the two people mentioned in it - the strong character who was the anchor of the weaker character. The emotions of the weaker person seemed enlightened and calmed by her 'almost knight in shining armour.'
The flow was good and the pace just right. I think though, that it could be have more impact by separating it into 3-4 stanzas, which would also separate the thoughts/moments/emotions better. This would also help with the lack of punctuation.
It had a happy ending full of tenderness and love.
You have some lovely descriptions in this piece and some very interesting and appealing character names.
The story is original and the characters come to life. Your scene setting is also very good.
I liked the way you used flashbacks in your story, which allowed the reader to see who Spirit really was - which surprised me.
An entertaining read. Good luck in the contest.
Frankies Girl
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Comments/suggestions:
Line beginning three year old face held an expression that was expressionless, Maybe you could cut out the unnecessary words and just say ..three year old face was expressionless which says the say thing and flows better.
Your sentence structure in some parts of the story, could be worked on a little more ie. Down the springy plains walked a man wearing white robes rustling down around his feet, Could simply read A man walked down spring plains wearing white robes which rustled around his feet, or something similar. This type of structure happens throughout the text and could be simplified by changing a few words around. Another eg. Up the wooden steps he walked, knocking lightly on the door, and then entering the common room. Left to right he looked, no one about.
Have a look at your tenses and spelling throughout the text.
Your 'funny' essay as you put it, was amusing in parts.
You have some interesting and unusual ideas which could be improved with a little more work. Your narrative voice is reasonably strong and flows well. The story had an introduction, a middle and a round up of your thoughts at the end.
An entertaining read. Good luck in the contest.
Frankies Girl
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Comments/suggestions:
End Line 8 high faluted degree at some snotty Should be high falutin
Lines beginning day after day, week after week, year after -- well, hopefully it doesn't have to go that long. Eventually, the patient, (I'll call him, her, it a patient just to make things easy. For whom? Well, I don't really know. Me maybe.) will realize all by him-, her-, itself what the hell is wrong with him, her, it. Next, the patient will realize that he, she, it can do something. Then, the patient will learn what options he, she, it has. And finally, the patient will actually go out and do the fandango. Problem solved. Or not. I think these lines could be shortened and maybe you could choose one gender for your descriptions, which would be understood anyway as referring to everyone.
I'm a big animal lover, especially cats. Unfortunately, due to allergies, I can no longer keep them. This story though, made me feel close again to those wonderful cats you talked about.
You told it in an easy way, with continuity. I was so pleased to see that that Jumpy, found a home.
Your descriptions are good and the story had a nice ending, which tied up everything. Well done for giving me so many emotions.
Your ideas are admirable and I think music always bring out the best in us. Music definitely is linked to our lives and as you portray, each occasion - sad, happy, negative and positive - has a piece of music which could describe it perfectly!
Your rhyming and flow added to the appeal and it left me feeling inspired and hopeful that my life will always be an 'anthem!'
I think I feel a song coming on! Keep up the good work!
Frankies Girl
Suggestion:
2nd stanza line 1 - These are the folks with the lyrical minds I would omit the second 'the' before lyrical minds, as to me, it flows better.
What a wonderful poem and dedicated to your family.
You have good beginning, middle and end to this poem, as it tell the story of the friendships you have had throughout your life.
Throughout, the friendship theme is very strong, and you wonderfully show the reader the most treasured friends you've ever had, and will always have, are your family.
The poem flowed well and was full of imagery, description and emotion. It was written from the heart, and ended on an inspirational note.
Well done for sharing such personl emotions.
Frankies Girl
Suggestion:
One little thing, that might enhance the poem, in my view, is if you put it into 2-3 stanzas to separate the periods of time. This would show more clearly your thoughts and events/emotions as they occurred in time.
First of all your poem left me feeling dizzy in a delightful way.
Your wave has definitely hit me, in that I enjoyed your poem's energy. I became curious and wondered what that wave that hits everyone, at some time, could be? Your clue that it related to and helped writer's, led me to believe you were talking about 'creativity' or 'creative juices and ideas' we all have during our writing periods. This creativity, may 'lay low' at times, but is always there in the background, ready to explode; like your wave, onto our blank pages.
Your questions in the last stanza and your subsequent lines, confirming you'd just been hit, lead me to believe I'm on the right track.
A nice entertaining poem. Well done.
Frankies Girl
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Your poem wonderfully describes a moment, which all of us may have gone through and can relate to.
How often do we hold back and maybe miss out on a wonderful relationship, because of fear or being shy?
You poem's character is in this predicament and you show the emotions and jealousy they feel very well.
I felt as though I needed to hug this person and just give them the encouragement to 'risk' breaking the ice. These means that your character came alive for me. Well done!
The poem had a good beginning, middle and ended happily. Its title also followed its content very well.
A nice read!
Frankies Girl
Suggestion:
Towards the middle, two of your longest lines, could be cut down and put into new sentences.
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Line beginning Jelousy surges through me. Typo. Should be 'jealousy'
Line beginning Just to be able to look into youe eyes and to see your thoughts Typo. Should be 'your eyes'
I have now re read your revision of this poem, where you have taken my advice, with reference to O signifying no beginning or no end. In turn this gives us hope that all things are eternal; be it in this life or after death.
I believe that our spirits/souls continue their given journeys or paths, and also, the memories we leave behind will also be eternal; therefore once again, leaving positivity of a neverending circle.
I liked your fourth stanza, which captured this idea, and so have given you 5 in this second review.
It is always difficult to review a piece that is so personal as a marriage breakup.
This piece you've written from your heart and soul and it expresses how you feel about your betrayal by your husband. It gives the reader background information of the beginning the marriage, where all things are new and exciting and full of passion. Where all your dreams of growing old together, were foremost in your mind.
After 15 years, this must now come to an end, and though you've realised that maybe your marriage may have been destined from the beginning to dissolve, you still feel very hurt and discarded. This may, as you feel, be due to other emotions and reasons, such as the feeling of failure or loneliness.
The whole piece flowed well and gave me lots of vivid imagery and emotion. You concluded on a positive note, in that now you will be strong and continue your life, for you and your children, and also place your trust in God. You also know your self worth and the beauty that lies within you, which is so important. I think all these things will help you greatly in your healing and wish you lots of happiness and luck in the future.
Thank you for having the courage to share such an emotionally personal piece.
Frankies Girl
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Well Khalish. I think you've chosen the perfect letter - O - to emulate.
Your poem is simply to read and gives good reasons as to why you can relate to this 'perfect' letter.
It signifies zero, which signifies emptiness or nothingness. You feel this is how you can be described because of not making a living.
Your zero is also circular, meaning in your eyes, what comes round goes around. Things you do will always come back, whether they are good or bad.
Your poem, to me had some profound thoughts on the significance of O. If flowed well and backed up our lines with feeling and answers.
The only meaning, I believe you omitted, was that O has no beginning and no end. I'd like to think this signifies, eternal happiness, love and life (even after death). This would have been the most positive significance you could have put over.
This was a good overall read. Well done.
Frankies Girl
Suggestion/Comment
Have a look at where you punctuation could be improved.
Stanza 3 Line 2 Along with a poem mine I would insert 'of' between 'poem' and 'mine' for better flow.
Your short poem beautiful details the gratitude your character has for being loved. Their feelings are full of warmth and happiness. They have learnt that love gives many wonderful emotions and giving love, opens up a locked doors.
I think often, we take love for granted and this in turn leads to stagnation in relationships. In your poem, I feel the emotions will never be taken for granted, and the love will be cultivated and cherished for a long time.
The poem flowed well and gave good background imagery.
Your poem is written from the heart and is full of emotion.
You allow the reader to feel your pain, at the separation between you and your wife.
You honestly, admit that a lot of it was your fault, but now you want to be forgiven, as you feel you have changed.
Though parts of the poem rhymed, it didn't take away from the feelings you have for you wife in your written word. You allow us to see all the things that have happened and above all, the great love you still have for your wife.
The poem had good continuity and vivid imagery.
Well done for sharing such a difficult period of your life, in such a raw, open way.
Good luck and I hope you'll be able to reconcile with your wife in the near future.
Frankies Girl
Suggestions/Grammatical corrections:
Line beginning I miss you baby and your still in my heart. Typo. Your should be 'you're' a contraction meaning 'you are'
Line beginning and you will see the love girl indubitably just like in the start Typo. Should be 'undoubtedly'
Have a look at punctuation and where capitals should be used at the beginning of new lines/thoughts.
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A delightful children's story, which would encourage children to participate with use of sound and imagery. You've cleverly, use repetition of syllables to allow the images to come alive.
The story sets the scene wonderfully, so that children are able to use their imagination to see where Flippy-floppy Ficus lived. Your repetitive use of 'F' also adds to the imagery of a frog jumping around. This is also true in your use of Slurpy-Burpy Swamp, as it again, creates a vivid image of what a swamp might be like.
I found it flowed well and had tension, excitement and a problem which needed to be solved. All this added to the story's attraction and I could just feel how children would be on the side of Ficus.
I loved the underlying themes of friendship and happpy at being oneself. I think this is a good lesson, which children can learn through fun reads like this.
Your ending tied up nicely, the moral of the story and its happy ending satisfied me!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
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Suggestions/Comments:
Some of your vocabulary might be a little too advanced for children. Eg. ambulated aghastly, apathetic and fervently They seemed out of theme with your other frivolous children's words.
The story was a perfect length to keep children's curiosity and attention.
Your poem is full of new hope for a heart that has finally become free of old hurts and is willing to open up to someone new.
Your emotions shine through and give light to those who may still be enclosed in their prisons of love - with no escape.
You describe your actions and are inspired to write down your feelings and allow everyone to see how you have changed, in the hope that some of your happiness will rub off and show that love still exists.
You are now waiting for an answer, which you hope will be the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.
Well done for sharing such an inspiring poem full of hope, energy and loving feelings.
Frankies Girl
Comment:
The flow of your poem was just right, and I admire you for sharing such personal feelings.
Have a look at where punctuation is missing or could improve your poem.
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This poem of yours has an original theme, which questions the meaning or experiences of 'Time.'
You look at 'Time' and how it might affect people.
Your first stanza begins with an ominous tone. It seems to look upon time as something to be feared. I would have preferred to be a more positive beginning full of mystery and happiness.
Your second stanza deals with the whole period of time from birth to death and here gives the mystery I was looking for. No-one knows what time will bring for us - 'surprises, surmises or conjectures.'
Your third stanza deals with birth, but here again, you give this wonderful 'miracle' a tone of doom, in asking if it will be a 'normal' birth. You go on to give an image of apprehension as to it being a boy or girl.
Your fourth/fifth stanzas, then question what the child will become and gives positive and negative possibilities of their character during their lives. Here your use of he/she took away from the poem. Maybe you could have used a simple 'they.'
The subsequent stanzas continue with your theme and details what one might expect from 'Time.' Your reference to faith is very strong, and gives a hint that this belief will be your only saving grace.
You end with the same lines as the beginning, once again leaving a note of fear.
The poem has some good questions, but left me a little perplexed at some of its negativity.
Frankies Girl
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Your poem is full of inspiration and hope! I really liked it!
You've used wonderful similies and you're rhyming added to your poem's attraction.
The emotions shine out and love is the main topic. Your lines offer dreams and a wish for a beautiful romance.
Well done for sharing such a profound piece.
Frankies Girl
Suggestions/errors:
Stanza 3 Line 1 Look at me, for I am a sign to the end of your rain. It might flow better is you change ..'to the end of your rain' into 'at the end of your rain'
Stanza 3 Line 2 will bring you the blue skies that will end your pain. I would take out 'the' before 'blue skies' as it would flow better.
In your last stanza I would replace 'wanna' with 'want to' as it continues the flow better.
Well you've sure told us the whole story in this poem!
You've used some nice imagery and a little bit of humour to put across your "love situation" and how it came about. It flowed well, with some speech and good descriptions.
The third person in the poem, "the villain" lost out to the main male character. who seems to have "charmed" and won over the heart of your "female character" wonderfully.
Mister "pink hair" will have to look elsewhere!
I think I've got the reader's curiosity at the right point, and maybe now they'll have to view this one to find out what I've commented on!
I think you have lots of good descriptions and scene setting here.
You say its the back of a longer story and I think it will do well.
Your main character Tark, shines through in this piece. You have already given the reader an insight into the path that lies before him.
I think the theme is also original and it would attract maybe, a teenage audience.
Well done and keep up the good work!
Frankies Girl
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Comments:
Line 5 he never felt he really was one. Reads better he never felt he was really one.
Lines 9 & 10 Tark's father stood on the square and gifted all he saw with little gifts Reads better Tark's father stood in the square and gave little gifts to all he saw
In some parts you repeat words or images in close proximity. eg. His age. You could substitute these words and still give the same imagery you desire.
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