This is a very good poem. It brings you and your
sister to the same starting line, and/or finish line,
and it, of course, tells of your need and desire to
protect her. It sounds like she might have an
incurable disease, or something wrong that could go
either way. From what you have given us about the
title, I would guess she has passed. I hope I'm wrong.
The poem is sensitive, caring, and shows a talent for
words. Congratulations!
VerySara
Your idea for a story here is good, and you write
very well. Your sense of character acted out within
the family life as well as your talent for dialogue
make this a very interesting beginning to a longer
piece. The batharool stall is the hook that brings
the reader in immediately. It works very well.
For all these things, I congratulate you!
You do, however, have quite a number of typos,
sentences that make no sense (to me anyway), and all
of this can be easily repaired. Usually I take notes
and then write them out for the author, but in this
case I did not; however if you would like me to, just
ask. Remember that spell check does not pick up
everything, but I am pretty sure you did not run a
spell check on this one. These kinds of mistakes are
very distracting to the reader, and, I hate to sound
like I am preaching, but it really is best to be careful when you're posting.
Again, your idea is great, your writing of plot and
dialogue fine, and overall I'd give it 4.5 stars. But
I'm going to five you 4.0, because of all the mistakes.
Again, I am sorry I did not make a list, and I offer to
do just that if you would like.
Be well, and keep writing! I want to know what happens
between our heroine and Mr. Matthews!
All best.
VerySara
This is adorable, and very very true.
Your quotes are wonderful. Did you major in English
or Philosophy or do you just like to read?
If you feel I'm as opposed to curious, just tell me.
VerySara
As you say, this is probably the most honest thing
you will ever write. And yet, I wonder how it will
seem to you in twenty years.
I like this poem a lot, and was not ready for the last
line. Don't worry about wanting to be different; you
already are and I doubt that you'll see normalcy (whatver that is) for a long while, if ever.
You write very well, and that is a gift not to be taken
lightly. And this is a good poem. There is nothing I
could say that would make it better! It's a pleasure
to know you through this work.
All best,
VerySara
OMG. this is beautiful! Your imagry is wonderful...
I love especially "they smell of dusty Brazilian streets/bruised knees/and honey" and also "Tinkerbell
sleeps on D sharp". Lovely, beautiful, accomplished,
polished, -- what else can I say. Don't change a word,
ever!!!
Congratulations, and thanks for writing this. Reading
it was my pleasure!
VerySara
Okay, the poem is what you said, macabre, but not overly so. Bones are strange things, and most of you
describe is after death. It's interesting to think
about. I think of carcasses of animals, and bones
left on many plates at holidays, and bones found in
a wooded area long after death's set in. A thought
provoking piece, and your rhyme scheme works, as does
your meter and your flawless presentation. Keep writing. Please, keep writing, and keep posting here
on Writing.com.
All best,
VerySara
OMG, I love it!!!!! Years ago I decided I wanted to
be a hermit, and people will just not have it! They
constantly lecture me about how I should get out of
the house. When I go out, then I won't go out for
another month. I have food delivered, medicine, all
that suff, and live very simply, very frugally. My PC
is my only costly necessity.
I love your story. What else can I say? One small
thing:"Laundry was smelled too fragrance-free..."
Just, obviously, omit "was". Other than that, do not,
please do not, change a word! I'm going to put you on
my list of favorite authors. I really like the way
you write (and think, I would guess.
All best,
VerySara
WOW! I really like this story. It's just this side
of weird, and is very very clever, very bittersweet.
Your opening line hooks the reader in very well, at
least it did this reader. And the story moves along
at just the right pace. I couldn't believe what I
was reading at first, and then, the ending. A beaitiful, perfect ending. Good job! Keep writing,
and keep posting here on Writing.com. I look forward
to more of your work.
VerySara
This is a very interesting piece, especially I am
particularly interested in this topic. However,
you have some work to do. There are a lot of typos,
unfinished sentences, structoral errors, which distract
the reader terribly. I read through it twice, because
I wanted to make sure I had the gist of it, and that I
liked it, that I was not putting in things to make
it sound better. You really do need to edit and polish
this a little, and then to continue this journal. It
might be really interesting.
Keep writing!
All best,
This poem is quite lovely. Your love of California
shows through very beautifully. I love New York
that way, and so understand at least a little bit
how one's feeling for a certain place, a certain
city can bring meaning to one's life.
Congratulations on this poem. It is a pleasure to
read.
This is absolutely great! and hilarious!!
The meter goes off, as you must well know, when you
start to mention Huckelberry Finn and some others,
but that's all part of the fun. I was laughing all
the way -- not in a one horse open sleigh (I live in
Florida) -- and it is really funny and cleaver and all
of those good things. Congratulations! You and all
of your friends and family will be laughing over this
one for years to come!
Thanks for writing it.
WOW! Poems that make me go "WOW!" I believe are good
poems, with, usually, an unexpected ending, and you
certainly did that here. The poem rhymes well, looks
good on the page, has no typos or other errors to
distract the reader, and takes these simplest of things
and that last stanza is a whopper! I love it!
Keep writing, please, and keep posting here on
Writing.com!
All best,
This is really quite some poem! Your rhyme is perfect,
your meter good, and you have no typos or other flaws
to knock the reader off guard. I can image that this
poem did truly "tear itself out of you" for I know
that feeling. Sometimes they come to us whole, and
ready, and other times we have to work and work to
get them right. You have done a wonderful job here.
Please keep writing, and posting here on Writing.com.
I believe this is a very good start on what may become a longer piece, a novel or at least a novella. You
have a great imagination, and happen to write in a
style that I find particularly inviting. Your presentation contains no typos or structural flaws to
detract the reader. But I have many questions. What
does Gary Morrison look like? Had Bradem beem to Israel and Tibet or not? How important is that? Is the psychiatrist a sympathetic character or not?
Braden's "escape" is highly unlikely. Even the chain-
link fences that guard the smokinig areas are heavily
watched. Give us an example of hyperlogic, and then
of logic when you speak to the doctor and you mind is
slowed down my meds. Do you think Dr. Davis was trying
to help Braden?
These are the questions that come immediately to mind
and I would like to see them answered or clarified in
the reader's mind. Work on this for a while, see what
other comments you get, and then come back to it. You
really have a good start here!
Congratulations!
(:e:reading}
I take it that the letter to Irene is in Rivera;s poem, right? Although he and Kahlo are two of my
favorite painters, I do not know this particular work.
But writing from the painting's idea is an interesting
thing to do, and your experiment works pretty well.
Keep working on it, and polishing it, and polishing it,
and take into account each review that you get, and you
will watch it change before your eyes. I think the
painting could be a little more sympathetic, and the
two guys who set it on fire should be speaking Spanish.
You've got a potentially good thing going here.
Keep writing!
All best,
VerySara+
This is quite touching, and lovely. I had often
heard the the Kabah was originally of white marble,
but had become black from people's fingers touching
it over the centuries. I am sure you know the truth,
however, as you were there. I pray you will one day
make the Hajj. Inshat Allah.
This is a very well-written story, and one that definitely hooks the reader in, and then through the
hero's ordeal, and through the final moments. Your
friends that told you you could write knew whereof
they spoke; what's a little spinach or some piece of
pizza on the teeth anyway?
Keep writing! And keep posting here on Writing.com.
All best,
VerySara
This is a good story, and very well written. It not
your usual fare. Unique, I believe, is the word.
I could not stop reading it.With the reference to
Johnny Carson, this dates the piece pretty far back,
about 30 years or more. I wonder why you used that.
Maybe just to set it back in time? It is a very interesting and very good short story. Congratulations! You have done a good job!
This is absolutely hilarious. We are soulmates some-
where, you and I, only I talk hilarious and make
everybody laugh, and then in my poems and essays I'm
showing the other side. This is one of the funniest
things I have ever read, not only here on Writing.com
but anywhere. It's so me, and I'm sure it's so you!
Keep writing!!! You're doing great!
You have done a really good job here. This piece
seems to me to be polished, well-written, and very
nicely done. Congratulations! There is little I
could say that would make this any better.
Well, personally I don't think you have left any room
for improvement. I can hear Richard Burton or someone
comparable reading this, and it sounds wonderful! You carry the metaphors all the way through in wonderful
order. I doubt that anyone could do better. In fact,
are you sure you are not related someone from another
time whose blook you carry in your veins and which enables you to write sonnets such as this? I mean every work. You need no help here. You need to send
it to your beloved!
This poem reads well, tells a story, albeit not a
pretty one, and your presentation is perfect. You
draw an apt conclusion when you say she needs to
forgive herself. There is nothing I can say or do to make this a a better poem. You have done another
good job! Congratulations!
This is a good, and profoundly sad, poem. You have rhymed it just enough, the lines are just right, and
there is not much I can say that would make it better.
I think "throwed" should be "thrown" in the second
line, but other than that, for such a poem of
disgust, you have done quite well. Congratulations!
This is a good poem. Your presentation is flawless
and you have no typos or other errors which only serve
to distract the reader. Your rhyme scheme is carried
all the way through,
This brings up a bittersweet emotion in me, and the
ending is very sad. You are writing very well now.
Don't stop. And please, keep posting on writing.com.
ALl Best,
VerySara
This is a good poem, especially if this is the first
time you have tried non-rhyming poetry. I think that
limb you say you have gone out on is getting much
stronger so that it may hold you better. It reads well
out loud, the flow is good, you've no typos or other
mistakes, so you have fine presentation. This is
a very personal and emotional poem, and I really like
it! I hope you keep writing in this style.
Good job!
All best, VerySara
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