This is a delightful piece about the hereafter and
different speculations about it. This is one of the more unusual I've seen. You are not convincing me that
cheese conducts electricity though, you there in your
Lego mansion. I'll drop by in a thousand years or so
and you can show me. I should be finished with my mandolin lessons by then.
This is great! Are you posting all the forms or
are others helping? I can think of two forms, no three, that are omitted: (a) Blank Verse, (b) Free
Verse and (c) Sapphics (I have the link if you want
it). I have a definition of Blank Verse from a Norton Anthology of Poetic Forms, but Free Verse, no. A
friend of mine here on WDC is struggling to write
Free Verse and I'm wondering if it is not the same as
Blank Verse. What do you think?
Be well, and keep writing!
VerySara
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Interesting poll. I've long thought that the hackers
are responsible, and most of them dislike Bill Gates
not because he made so much money, but because Windows is still so screwed up. I didn't have Windows 98, but
I have talked to lots who have, and I gather it was
really awful. You notice Macs don't get viruses.
This is an interesting story, interestingly told. The note of sadness at the end is its redemption, I think.
You have one typo that I noticed: cigarettes is misspelled in the early portion of the story. Eyes is
also misspelled.
You work well both with description and with dialogue.
It's not an easy thing to do. This seems very real, and
very tender too. Good job!
Be well and write?
VerySara
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This follows the 5-7-5 syllabic content of a traditional Haiku, but unless I am sadly mistaken,
the third and last line should come as a result of
rather than a continuation of, the first two lines.
Your idea here, of course, is the traditional Christian
Easter morning, and it is a beautiful one. I don't
want to rewrite it for you, and things are so free now in poetry, unless you want to write in a traditional form for the discipline of it, if you say it is a Haiku, then it's a Haiku.
Be well and write!
VerySara
This poem shows a lot of promise, and yet, as it is,
it has a certain beauty in its simplicity. I'd like
to know what you are thinking when you are looking up
at those skies through the green trees? This poem is
a cheerful, and the subject has been written and written so many times, that I would like to see you
bring something really fresh into it.
As it stands now, it's, as I said, promising. I would like to see more of that promise fulfilled, and I know
you can do it. It makes me think of Robert Frost.
"Stopping By Woods" and of course the ever-popular The Road Not Taken which is a self-help book.
I think this is a difficult setting to deal with, and
the only merit I can find here is the simplicity.
It's lightness quite befits the lovely Spring day on
which I write also. I like it; I would just like to see you do more.
All best,
VerySara
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This is a frightening story. I was drawn into it almost immediaely, and the ending caught me unaware,
so in that sense the story does just exacly what it is
supposed to do. I think the story could do better
without the sentence "Green and blue and sticky too".
When the "final thud" comes, he is vindicated against
all lies, and we, the readers, are horrified.
You did a good job here!
Be well, and keep writing,
VerySara
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Welcome to Writing.com! We are a nice friendly group of writers here, and I can only say that if you give the site a chance, your writing with surely grow in maturity and stature.
You have started out just fine! This story is well-
written. It is clearly written. You have no grammatical or structural mistakes, and for the reviewers this is always a blessing. The story is one
of office romance, and many times these things go happen. Human nature is what it is, and what, if you read through history, it has always been. Personally, I wish we could do a better job, but it just doesn't seem to happen. But things like what happened in this story do happen, and when they do, they are most memorable. I could not figure out where you were going to go with this, and I was a little bit surprised.
I was surprised by "His eyes panicked, then hardened in decision." I am not quite sure what you mean by this. coming as it does before the kiss. And, I must say I get the impression that both characters are rather young. They behave rather well considering the way many others would handle this type of situation.
In fact, they behave so well that I almost have to suspend disbelief. Maybe human nature isn't so bad after all.
Be well, and write!
VerySara
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I like this poem a lot. It is a well-written free verse form (my favorite). Your images are striking,
especially the blanket. The sadness of the poem and the situation the poet describes, leaves a me with a grateful feeling, grateful because I try, with God's help, to not do things that would make me feel ashamed. Not always have I succeeded, especially when I was younger. It also makes me think twice about certain disreputable people and wonder whether they do or did know right from wrong when they did such and such.
The poem is thought provoking. It saddens me to think that there are people living today who are made to feel this way. Sometimes, sadder even are their deeds.
This poem is breath-takingly strong, well-written,
and descriptive of a point of view that very few of
us know except through books and imagination. I, personally, find this poem awesome. A MUST READ for
everyone.
The free verse is used here in an exempletive way.
I felt the power of the words throughout my body, and
could feel the disappointment in the leader's heart
by doing what she knew she had to do, to give her
daughter to a man. You did an absolutely beautiful job of turning these sexual dynamics around.
Congratulations!
Stay well, and please, write more.
All best,
VerySara
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This is a very moving piece, and your saying how difficult it was for you to write it makes it even more meaninful; I hope that writing this helped you ease that pain if even a little bit. I could start talking about acceptance on your part, about he did not mean for it to happen, etc., but I am sure you have heard it all. He is watching out for you, which is what I believe.
On another note, your second sentence could do with a comma after"lived". That's the only possible error I found.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Some things in life are very very hard to accept. Once you start to accept that he is gone, and you begin little by little to talk about it, the wound will begin to heal. I wish you all the best.
Be well,
VerySara
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This is a beautiful and a sad poem. It seems that this happens almost always when someone close to us dies. Too few of us realize that our friend is still with us in our hearts and in our spirits, and always will be.
Thanks for writing this. It is a pleasure to read.
This article really is perfect, a 5. I just wish that
more or us would pay attention to it, and put it into
action. I'm guilty, I'll admit it. If I see that I think something needs below a 3,0, I usually don't review it. As a writer, what gets under my skin the
most is for a reviewer to tell me what a great poem
this is, a must read, etc., and then five a 4.5. Why?
I've only been on the site since the end of August in '04, and I have only had one reviewer be what I would call disrespectful. I have heard horror stories
from some others though. Guess no one can stop people from being people.
This is the longest Pantoum I have ever seen! My goodness...it's amazing. That really did take discipline. It's delightful, erotic just enough, and
truly wonderful. I salute you! I too love the form,
but don't know if I could write one with this many verses.
I liked this poem a lot. Beautiful description of what the snow is like, before it falls and after it has fallen. I especially like "Alas, the promise breaks as/ice crystals fall and mold/". That's what they do; and you are correct, nature can be very dangerous in her beauty. I live in Florida, and we know what the sea and wind can do.
Thanks for posting this. It is a pleasure to read it.
Good poem. I like it. I felt the ending was a little abrupt, but it certainly says that what she sees will be. After the good imagery in the first part of the poem, I think I expected the imagery of her vision to
be more vivid. Maybe it's just me.
Interesting poem, and point of view. I lived in the
City for many years, and loved it. I moved for personal reasons, and now I can't get back because of
finances. It's a long story. But I miss it with a
pssion I longer thought I had left.
St. Mark's Place has quite a history. I knew it in
different days. Good write!
This is indeed a dark poem. Through the backstreets and alleyways of your mind, I would think. And most of
our minds as well.
You have some reallly fine imagery in here. I particularly like the lines "I find only closed doors/and blood on the shaky floors." Darkness and
harness for a rhyme is a bit of a stretch, but I can't come up with anything better off the top of my head. Actually, been and seen is also a stretch if you are using the American pronunciation. If you use the British it'll work.
I like the way the poem looks on the page. The solidness of it seems to reflect the solid darkness
in your mind, or solid old cathedral doors made of the hardest wood. Also, you have no typos, structural or
grammatical errors to distract the reader. This is
always a plus.
You have a good poem going here; you're almost there, so just keep polishing it little by little and one day
you'll surprise yourself and say, wow! Did I write that?
All best,
VerySara
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This is a very short, and well written poem. I am not sure that if you had not told me in your byline
or subheader what the poem was "about" that I would have been able to understand.
I would suggest you put the first line of the first
stanza by itself. In line four, I don't think you need the "but" at all.
There is almost a haiku-like delicacy here which is
very nice. Your simple working makes the emotion feel]
deeper, and that is good. Keep working on it. You'll have a good poem soon.
All best,
This is a very good, well organized Introduction to
Poetry. You did a very good job. I hope that some
of the newer, younger members of this community read
it. It's a pleasure to see this on WDC.
This is an interesting poem. I am not sure why silence has eluded you, and why you can hear nothing.
Yes, it really does inspire poetry. I have a poem named Silence and several other poets do also.
I just now read the by line on this poem. Silence in
schizophrenia. Now I understand the problem ~ the poet is prevented from enjoying silence by his/her illness.
You stay with your rhyme scheme, and the poem is flawlessly presented in that there are no typos or
other errors that distract the reader. The meter holds
up also; you have done a good job here! I only hope that you keep writing!
This seems to me to me to be a good attempt at a
failed poem. I think there is too much self pity in
here, too much putting the blame on "those/who rocked
my path obscured"; also "I wander alone/the victim of
the greedy". "I am the one from whom/Everything was
taken". I'd suggest rephrasing this to say "I am the one who lost everything". This is a fine point, I know, and two different ways of looking at the problem.
But thinking of ones self as a victim is not at all
helpful.
It is a sad, poem, yes, and while I read it I can see
people on the street who haunted faces fill the description you have here. The poem reads well, flows
down the page, and has no typos or structural errors to interrupt the reader. I love the second stanza,
especially "I cross into oblivion/My death, a little shy". There are parts of this poem I really like a lot. I think it has great potential, but at the same
time has an unhealthy attitude. Are things done to us or do we cause things to happen? That's the essential argument that comes into play here.
Keep writing! I think with a little refining you will
have a very good poem!
I like the flawless presentation; no typos, no bad
structure, no nothing to distract the reader. I like
the way the aabb rhyme scheme stays intact throughout
the poem. I like what the poem says. My first thought was "Wow! This poet thinks the same way I do!
What I Didn't Like About This Poem
I'm afraid there is not a thing that I don't like about this poem. I can offer no suggestions for its
improvement. It's good as it stands, IMO.
Overall
I'm giving you a 4.5 rather than a 5.0 because, truthfully, I think the poem could be polished a bit
when you are talking about the three choices. This is
the only part that doesn't read quite as smoothly as
the rest, and on my first reading this I had to stop
a little to get the meaning. But, I don't think it
will take much. GOOD WRITE!
You should have gotten good reviews for this one,
and I am glad you showed it if not to the world, at
least to those of us in the Writing.com community.
This is a very good poem. It has a lovely bittersweet
quality to it that I like. Congratulations! Keep
writing, and you have no idea where you will go!
All best,
VerySara
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