I like the flawless presentation; no typos, no bad
structure, no nothing to distract the reader. I like
the way the aabb rhyme scheme stays intact throughout
the poem. I like what the poem says. My first thought was "Wow! This poet thinks the same way I do!
What I Didn't Like About This Poem
I'm afraid there is not a thing that I don't like about this poem. I can offer no suggestions for its
improvement. It's good as it stands, IMO.
Overall
I'm giving you a 4.5 rather than a 5.0 because, truthfully, I think the poem could be polished a bit
when you are talking about the three choices. This is
the only part that doesn't read quite as smoothly as
the rest, and on my first reading this I had to stop
a little to get the meaning. But, I don't think it
will take much. GOOD WRITE!
You should have gotten good reviews for this one,
and I am glad you showed it if not to the world, at
least to those of us in the Writing.com community.
This is a very good poem. It has a lovely bittersweet
quality to it that I like. Congratulations! Keep
writing, and you have no idea where you will go!
First of all, I agree with everything you are saying
here, so that already biases me in your favor.
As for the poem itself, I shall try to be objective.
This poem is very condensed, as it looks upon the page. You have no line breaks into stanzas and very
little punctuation (which isn't always necessary, but
here you have a few places where a comma would
clarify what you are saying). Now, you are dealing with a very heavy subject here, the end of the world,
the Rapture, whatever term you prefer. This would be
an argument to leave the poem all as one. But, since
your rhyme scheme is intact throughout, aa bb cc etc.,
you might want to try making couplets or four-line
stanzas in order to give the reader some room to
absorb all this. I think you need something to help the poem to flow more smoothly.
You certainly are proclaiming prophetic ideas, and it
should be done in chapter and verse form, so to speak, in my opinion. Please remember that this is
my opinion, and you will receive many others, and in
the final analysis it is YOUR poem. But I feel strongly that with just a little polishing you could
have a 5.0 poem that is ready for publication.
Good job here. I am sorry you had to go through this,
but you have obviously survived, and have the ability
to turn these emotions into poetry. You are in a
position to help others through their pain, and by
doing that, you can turn this horrible event around
and learn to give again.
Your poetry is excellent!
Be well,
VerySara
This well-intentioned piece of writing speaks many
truths. I think it was John Keats who had a few
words to say about beauty being truth and truth being
beauty and that's all you ever need to know. (I can't
quote it correctly so I had to paraphrase ~ Sorry.)
I agree with you that there is no easy answer to the
problem of making someone see beauty where they do not;
if you have ever tried to explain a work of art to someone not familiar with painting, you understand.
I am not as sure as you are that this society is infatuated with truth. I assume you are talking about
the United States, and if you are, I believe that
this society wants to appear to be infatuated with
truth, justice, etc., when in fact it wages war for no
justifiable reason, the crime rate is very high,
people are convicted of crimes they did not commit,
and beauty? You speak of a society that bulldozes
trees and forests to building shopping malls and $500,000 houses so that two wealthy people can have
luxurious surroundings. Shall I go on?
I am also not sure that I agree with you that we are
too busy trying to hide our own ugliness. Speaking
on a national level, I think we flaunt it to the would
and call it truth and justice. If you are speaking
of individual people, I know few people who are not
vain in the positive sense of the word, and who are,
if not proud, at least accepting, of their various
appearances and varying emotional states.
Even if I don't agree with you, being as objective as
possible, I will say that you have raised some crucial
points for consideration, but that your have neither raised them nor phrased them stronly enough.
Well, Well, you have done it again! This poem is
very good. I love the rhyme of "horizons/liaisons".
It's just a tiny bit off, but it works really well.
Your love of Africa comes through loud and clear, and
I think I like this better than the other one I read
~ Thank God for Africa, I think ~ . You are growing
as a poet! Congratulations on this one. It's a
MUST READ!
WOW,I am totally impressed. You did this in so
few lines. I just tried my first pantoum, and it
is huge. I didn't know they came in different sizes .
I love this. Just as I love the idea of kneading and
banking bread. But there is, as I'm sure you both know
and intended, a streak of death unwanted running not
only through the slab of marble, but through the poem.
The wonderful combination brings up many images for me, from living in the country and watching my mother
bake bread, to living in foreign countries where I learned to make my own. It such a wonderful thing to
do. Your pantoum is beautiful!
Good job here. This is a fascinating form to work
with, and you have done a wonderful job here. I could
do without the different colored letters, but that is,
like most things, a personal opinion.
Looking at this sestina, I would say, compared to
other sestinas that I know, you have done well. The
lines are very long, and that bothers me; it adds a
certain complexity to things that need not be there.
You are telling a long, sad story of a difficult
marriage, and the part that the landscape, particularly the trees, played in the relationship,
and in the animal life these two have raised. Then
he leaves, and she regroups, is at the beach, as she
says "I reach out/no longer alone.
Overall, I think you did very well on this. It is a
difficult form, and one that takes great patience.
As far as I can tell you have followed all the rules,
at least the 39 lines, 6 stanzas of 6 lines, with a
3-line envoi at the end. I'm not sure of the repetitions but I am also not sure that the old rules
still hold.
Your presentation is flawless. There are no typos that I could see, and no structural errors to distract
the reader. Good job!
I like what it says. I like the way it looks on the
page. I like the fact that your presentation is flawless in that it has no typos or structural errors
to detract the reader. You've done a good job.
What I don't Like About This Poem
Not too much, really. I'd like to see more contrasts,
but that is really not a big deal. I disagree with
the last stanza except for the "Elderly couples holding hands". The others are variables in whether or not they work and for how long. It's just a difference of opinion and no big deal.
Overall
I'm giving you a 4.5 instead of a 5.0 because this
could lead one into quite a bit of theological thinking, and discussion; instead, I think largely
because of its brevity, it seems like something dashed off in a few moments. I know that isn't true, because I know how difficult it can be to write a good poem or a good anything. It's work. And remember, this is but one opinion. You will get and have gotten many others, and in the final analysis it is YOUR poem.
This is really an adorable article. You have, like
many, been on this site for a while, and I looked after reading your article, and see that it is over
two years since you have modified it.
I, too, stumbled onto the site in my surfing days
(now I only write), and am thankful, grateful and
praising the powers that be that I did. This community has changed my life and my attitude so much
that I cannot praise it enough. There are a few
disgruntled members, but I think that they get weeded
out one way or another.
This is one really good poem! It is beautiful, your
images are exquisite in places, and I congratulate
you. There is nothing I could say or do that would
make this a better poem. So I shall just say "Do
not change one word."
WOW! This is, to me, a very good poem. I love it!
Don't change a word. That is the only advice I have.
The last two lines are so heartbreakingly true, and
so beautifully said. Great job here.
I like the honesty of it. I like that it states a
situation or condition that happens to many people.
I like the line "I play the game without knowing it and only losers win." You aren't embracing the
system unknowingly, or you would not be writing this
poem. You are in it and you are begging for help, for a lifeguard to save you. You are not going to like this but I'm going to say it anyway: these days
you have to save yourself. If you do not want to be
part of that system, find another one, or just drop
out, and someone way back in the l960's said, and find
your own self.
What I Don't Like About This Poem {b/}
I don't like the way the poem looks on the page, and
the long lines that stretch across the page compared to the shorter lines. I've read this two or three
times and while the line breaks may make some kind of
sense to you, and I am sure they do, it is difficult
for this reader to find any reason for lines that go
completly across the page, as though it were prose.
This may be a personal bugaboo of mine, I'm not sure,
but I hope you will help clarify for me just what was
your motivation.
Overall {b/}
I like what you are saying here. I close my eyes and
see you going down the drain. Your point definately
comes through loud and clear. This is raw emotion and a cry for help that I am feeling here, and that too comes through very well. You have done a pretty good job of making your point clear. You will either most likely continue to amass naterial goods and be
perhaps spiritually and morally drowned. Your poem states a very good point, and a very good warning for others caught up in the same predicament.
I look forward to seeing more new work from you.
Take care,
VerySara
This is a poem that many many young women should read,
believe and consider. This is a poem that carries a
warning to not go there in the first place, because
once you do, as you are saying, you don't know how to
get back. Somehow God will give you the grace to
start over.
Your writing is interesting. Now only does it carry
a message, but it is almost written in prose, except
for the line breaks. I'd like to see the last three
stanzas have the longer lines broken at some appropriate place in the middle, so that you are not
writing clear across the page. This is my opinion,
and probably mine only, and it is YOUR poem. It will
not make the poem any better, or any worse. Just
different.
Good job, here. I look forward to reading more of your work.
This poem makes me want to cry. I was born and
grew up in Ohio, and there were many many trees and
creeks with weeping willows near them, and they were
my favorite tree. My friends there tell mw that if
I want to come back to brace myself, for that world
has changed so enormously. Your poem makes me feel
those trees too, the afternoons I spent under them
reading or writing when I was a small child. Those
things, I'm afraid, will never be again.
But, your poem will remain.
This poem is more cute and adorable than good, it
seems to me. It is indeed enjoyable. Sounds like
a Christian children's poem; in fact, that just might be your market for it.
Keep writing, and keep posting here on WDC.
All best,
VerySara
This is a little confusing to me, but at the same
time it brings a smile to my face. I think the line
"So I marry this girl from heaven" is where I get
confused. The Mother marries the daughter...No, that
doesn't work. The daugher marries the Mother (who
is from Heaven?) - that will work, but I think I am
so accustomed to thinking in terms of the children
being sent from heaven, that turning it around seems
a bit strange, or at least different. I like poems
that make me think! Good job!
This is just an adorable story. I think my daughter
saw Winks not too long ago. She smiled and smiled
at the Goldfish in the doctor's office. It's true!
This is a very good poem. With just a little
polishing it would be a 5-star poem.
What I Like About This Poem
I like your imagry. It is strong, it "works" and it is consistent throughout the poem. Very good work.
What I Don't Like About This Poem
There is not much that I don't like. If it were mine,
I might change the title, but "Water" is fine. I think
you are really talking about the ocean, however, as opposed to tap water.
Suggestions That Might Make the Poem Better
line 5 - "ice reaching their fingers". I think "their" might best be replaced by "its". Or, you
can omit their and that would still keep the metaphor
intact.
2nd stanza - I suggest you consider using "grows" and
omitting the "will". "Grew" grades on this reader's nerves.
3rd stanza - Don't change a word!
4th stanza - Don't change a word!
Again, I really like this poem. Good work!! I hope to see more from you here on Writing.com.
This is a very well-written and well-thought through
article. As you say, there are many other moral
philosophies, and tempting as it may be, I shall
forego considering them here, as my job is to review
what I have read.
You exhibit a comprehensive knowledge of the three
philosophies and philosophers you mention, and you
state their positions well. You then show how and why
these particular positions are problematic in the 2lst century America.
It seems to me, and please correct me if I am wrong,
that what moral philosophy there is in the 2lst century America seems to be based on various sects of
Protestant religion, with the Baptists being dominant.
I wonder if it would be worth it to trace the history
and growth of the moral thinking that falls under the
vast umbrella of Protestant, starting with Martin
Luther's nailing his demands upon the door. I cannot
at the moment remember which President began the
idea that the United States was to "make the world
safe for democracy" but that is what has carried us
into the two wars that you mention, and I fear there
are more to come.
You did a fine job here. It's great to see this kind
of writing on WDC. Are you a philosophy major by any
chance? Or maybe Political Science? You write very
well. Keep doing it!
Wonderful, is the first word that comes to mine.
Others are inspirational, and spiritual. I love it!
I'm not the least surprised that it has been awarded.
Keep writing:
VerySara
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