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201 Public Reviews Given
257 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of THE LEGACY  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a really good story and the beginning was captivating -- it made me want to keep reading.

Up to a certain point, I didn't have a clue about the ending. But, I think as you started bringing the reader up to date, it became more obvious. But then, I read a lot of mysteries and write suspense so maybe that helps, lol.

The transition from the dreams about money to the reality of the situation was really good but I must admit, I went back and re-read it again. I think the momentum of the story carries the reader beyond the dreams and into what seems to be the reality of the character's life.

Great job.

Writegirl
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The problem with polls is that they are slanted and, I suppose that's okay for the person taking the poll -- unless they really want to explore all possibilities as far as answers. The first sentence of this poll pretty much sets the theme in that it is making an assumption that illegal aliens (illegal entrants or illegal immigrants is probably a "kinder" label) are responsible for increasing crime. {color:red}Thousands of illegal aliens pour into the U.S. every year, bloating our cities with an ever-expanding population of proven lawbreakers. That may be why there's no real majority in the answers given.

I hope the poll is giving you the information you need, though.

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Review of Where Is My Mama?  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is so poignant in such a subtle way that makes it much stronger than it appears. I'm here in Germany and did some research on commemorations during the month of November. One of those is Kristallnacht which sounds rather beautiful, doesn't it? I thought I'd share what I found in my research ... just in case you didn't know.

What does the word "Kristallnacht" mean?
"Kristallnacht" is a German word that consists of two parts: "Kristall" translates to "crystal" and refers to the look of broken glass and "Nacht" means "night." The accepted English translation is the "Night of Broken Glass."
What was Kristallnacht?
On November 9, 1938, Goebbels announced a government sanctioned reprisal against the Jews. Synagogues were ravaged and then burned. Jewish shop windows were broken. Jews were beaten, raped, arrested, and murdered. Throughout Germany and Austria, the pogrom rampaged.
Police and firefighters stood by as synagogues burned and Jews were beaten, only taking action to prevent the spread of fire to non-Jew owned property and to stop looters - upon Heydrich's orders.
The pogrom spanned the night of November 9 to 10. During this night 191 synagogues were set on fire.

We need more writing like yours so we never forget.

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Review of Explaining My Son  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for this wonderful article. My 8 year old grandson as Asperger's and was fortunate enough to be diagnosed early. He also has ADD/ADHD and Turrets. This article really helped me better understand this precious little boy. I would like to send this item to my daughter -- I know it would greatly help her and the links you've provided will be valuable resources for her.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh ... this is cute ... really cute. And obviously, it made me laugh.

The really funny thing is that my husband used to be a bald bachelor ... and in all honesty, he much prefers to have a wife. *Smile*.

I'm trying to review different genres and I'm glad I found this perky little poem.

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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Excellent read. This is really an intriguing story. You captured my interest right from the first line and did an absolutely wonderful job in showing the deep friendship of two girls, wonderful characterization of each one, and led me down the path of suspenseful expectation. All the signposts were there (Twilight Zone, for sure), leading up to some monstrous, horrible ending, right? Of course, that wasn't the case but the great thing is that not only was I NOT disappointed, your ending made this story even stronger.

I love the connection with the movies and some of your descriptive phrases just take me back to the past. For example: “Hurry up,” I said. I’d already washed my hands, fluffed my hair, and reapplied my Bonne Bell lip gloss, and Casey was still in there peeing.

The other strength is your ability to show wonderful action in the most ordinary things. Like this, for example: “I can’t believe you,” I said. I leaned against the chipped white sink and faced the wall, tracing complex, years-old graffiti with my eyes while I listened to the all-too-familiar sound of Casey Parker peeing in the Maple’s bathroom.

One more comment ... your writing is very crisp and clear, moving at just the right pace.

My only complaint: There are only two items in your port.

Great work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Excellent story. And the great thing is that the ending works. You've invited me into the wonderfully eclectic world of New Orleans (always a pleasure) and put a unique slant on the tired phrase "haunted house (or hotel, or school, etc.,etc.). Great job.

Your characters ring true as well. Of course, as readers (of writing, observers when it's a movie) cringe as we watch a character do something that is out of character for someone in their right mind. What you've done with Miranda is given enough background info (ref: the tour) and then stirred the concoction with some alcohol. In fact, you've gone a little further in justifying her behavior with the phrase: Once inside, Miranda realized how drunk she really was. It was often that way with her—once external stimulation was removed, the symptoms of intoxication increased tenfold.

Many stories in this genre fail to deliver -- but yours does -- and quite well.

I love the ending because you've left the reader wondering. In fact, it's interesting to take your ending and ask several what if's.

Great job. Wonderful writing. Only one thing I'd like to see more of is a little more imagery of New Orleans itself, but then again, that's probably a personal preference.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Hidden Lies  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very good story. But, I noticed lots of prepostional phrases here: As her eyes adjusted to the change from sunshine to near darkness, she paused to bolster her courage to mount the stairs from the entry to the second floor.

They were a bit distracting at first. You might want to go back and look through the story and check how many prepositional phrases you use. I guess they were more obvious to me because I sometimes have the same problem.

Your imagery is very well done.

Two things that bothered me. I'm wondering if the children knew their father had been married before? Obviously they didn't know about a half-brother. And second, it would seem to me that they would be a little more overwhelmed with all this new information and respond accordingly before sitting down and discussing where the money should go.

Very nice read.

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Review of The Candy Store  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a sweet little story ... I smiled all the way through reading it. Your imagery is good ... I could picture Swen and the little girl. Part of me wishes a story like this were true, and you've convinced the other part of me that it is. I don't understand how ... must be in the magic of storytelling.

Great job.

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First ... this is an awesome story so I'm going to be a little picky -- *Smile*

You've used the word come twice here ... whomever had come into the lobby to come into view. You might want to try: whomever had entered the lobby ...

Joey Barnes, OR Joey Fingers?

Details: the kids playing with some toys ... name or describe them and they become more real to the reader

You've used the words hands quite a bit before this: Clarence had focused back on their hands. Her hands were so soft and smooth, small and slender. But his own hand was big and wrinkled. Years of age showed on them. You might try something like: Clarence focused back on their hands -- hers so soft and smooth, small and tender. In contrast, his were big and wrinkled, aged with years and work. That way you've eliminated the word hand twice. In the previous descriptions of their hands, you might want to try using fingers, palm, grip, grasp, hold, knuckles. It might take some rewording but you'd get rid of all those hands lol.

sweat heart should be sweetheart

Benny, who held a baseball bat OR taking the crow bar from Benny. baseball bat or crowbar (one word)?

Should knights be capitalized ... as a gang name? You've capitalized Blazes

Clarence hid behind a parked car as he heard gun shots and screams of dying boys radiate throughout the park. -- This is an excellent sentence ... I can hear the screams.

He started sailing his Hail Mary's. saying his Hair Mary's

There are a few other things, further down that a closer edit will correct.

This is a wonderfully moving story and I believe realistically captures the heartache of Alzheimer's disease. That's why I've kind of nitpicked here and there. It could be a 5 star with some changes, corrections, etc. Again, I'd just add that involving the sense of smell within the story would make it even more alive.

Excellent story.

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Review of Dear Josh  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is such a moving piece heavy with emotion and meaning. I liked the visuals and Ash's thoughts ... those sights and sounds interspersed within the story.

Just a couple of things: In this sentence
He had grown accustom to cold nights, but tonight seemed to be the worse he’d felt in years.... I think accustom should be past tense -- accustomed, and "worse" should be "worst."

Something you might consider that could strengthen this piece is to use more of the senses in the hospital room ... the antiseptic smell of the room, the whoosh and hiss of the life support systems, or the monotonous pattern of the green-lined heart beat on the monitor.

The ending is great. In fact, it really emphasized Ash's grief and justified his final act. Too often surprise endings make no sense except that they are a surprise. This is done very well.

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Lisa:

This is a good start to either a story or a novel and does a pretty good job of introducing the protagonist. You have conveyed Ben's character as a man who seems kind of dull, appears very much alone (but doesn't seem to mind), and has a monotonous life. This is good but yet I think you need to make the readers care a little more about him. It's imporant to make the reader care about what happens to the main character. Right now there isn't much to care about.

For example, a glimpse into the reasons for his reclusive behavior would give a reader an idea of why he's that way -- if he had a traumatic childhood, abusive childhood, smothering childhood, some major event or the fact that there was absolutely no reason for his lonely existence -- that would give readers something to entice them to want to know more about him.

You've changed tenses a couple of times in the beginning of the story: "at this moment he sits ", "Ben would have liked to do these things." Instead: "He sat (or slouched,or sprawled)", "Ben would have liked to have done these things" or "Ben wished he had done these things".

You've got some repetition, particularly about how much Ben likes the rain. Unless that is something pivotal to the plot, it seems a bit much.

Showing, rather than telling, will liven this piece up more. I think that's the key here. You've painted a pretty good picture of a man who leads a boring life but you can make the writing snap, crackle, and pop (so to speak) by showing the reader:

How Ben sits, how he works on his car, how he might work at other things (since working on things gives him so much joy) and it also shows a solitary life by choice, rather than just a boring life. At least, that's the feeling I get about Ben. He's chosen to live this way. How Ben dresses, what does his apartment look like -- all these things will bring him more alive.

Another way you can show rather than tell is to use the senses ... maybe how the tools feel in his hands as he works on his car, how the rain feels on his face, the smell of a car engine or the sound of a wrench dropping to the ground. Was it smoky in the tavern, what did it smell like, how did the pool cue feel in his hands? I think you get the picture.

Be careful of point of view ... the guy who asks him to shoot pool ... how does Ben know he wanted to respond and that he walked away in disgust? Make it clear these are Ben's thoughts. The same with the girl, "hoping he would take her up on her offer" -- how does he know this?

This last sentence seems a little strong: "The great Ben Connell was about to try something different." Why is he great? Maybe "the reclusive Ben Connell," or, "Ben Connell's very normal, very routine, very boring life was about to change."

All in all, it's a good start and I think with some changes you could really grab a reader's attention and pull them into Ben's world.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a cute, little ironic story. And kind of a neat way to teach someone a lesson. Would be great in a young teen magazine.

The writing is really good ... does more showing than telling ... I particularly liked the reference to Kelly sticking her finger in her mouth and tasting blood. Your writing appeals to all the senses.

As far as improving it ... the one thing I would suggest is maybe making it a little more suspenseful or making the girl a little more selfish, i.e., she doesn't investigate the broken glass quite so quickly. Maybe she goes on her merry little way but can't really enjoy herself. And, where is she going? Maybe a little more background on Kelly.

Like I said ... good job.

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Review of Fast Money  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm going to be kind of ruthless in this review ... especially if you are using it as a sample of your best writing. Please understand that everything I've noted is done with the intention of strengthening this story.

While the idea of a young boy being changed because his mother's life is threatened is good, there are some flaws within the story that need some really focused attention.

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail ... just a couple of things. One thing that left me unsatisfied was Stevie Boy ... what happened, did he truly help, was he arrested? Something else ... although Adam's victorious return to school is probable, it seems a little weak. This doesn't sound real:

thanking him profusely for keeping their money safe

Also, his use of a gun ... his first encounter with the diamond studded glock seemed to show his abhorence of guns. While saving his mom would justify a change, I think it needs to be shown more. Also, how did he get to be such a good shot? Maybe his dad took him for target practice. See the conflict here? He doesn't want the glock but yet he's able to shoot well enought to thwart 5 men. And you could more strongly show how Adam realizes that comic book superpowers aren't what counts ... or something like that.

Some of the dialogue is a little stilted and predictable ... "Cover me," "Myself and my superiors want to extend ...." And it seems that it would take a lot longer to wrap up a crime scene of this magnitude.

You jump from viewpoint to viewpoint that sometimes leads the reader to confusion. Jumping back and forth in different viewpoints is difficult and you might want to look at grouping some of the thoughts together to make it easier for the reader to determine who's talking.

One thing you might think about that could strengthen the story is writing it from only one viewpoint. And allow the characters to "show" who they are through dialogue and interaction with each other.

Some of your showing is done very well. You might want to think about cutting back on such much info on Adam and cutting school.

Finally, what time frame ... what year? Some of what you write alludes to an earlier time when women wore hats, playing hookey (instead of cutting school, skipping class), etc.

This has promise but it needs to be tightened up.

Keep up the good work.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Gina,

This is a wonderful tribute that says a lot in very few words. You've done a good job. Sometimes writers tend to over-emotionalize in their work (gee, I could be talking about myself) LOL, and while that's not a bad thing, it occasionally weakens the message. Not so here.

I really like the lines:

You’re a blessing to behold.
A kind spirit touched.
Your words hold the treasures
That people need so much.

Sometimes I think this is what poetry does best -- convey the feelings of the heart.

Writegirl
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Review of Time: Part 1  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
I think you've set up the premise of the book without giving too much away but without confusion. And I think this works well.

You have six paragraphs in a row starting with the word "She." You might want to take a look and see if you can reword them. I think you'll find that by doing so the writing will be strengthened.

You can tighten up the writing by making some of the writing less formal. For example in this paragraph:

She makes her way to work and starts to clock in, but her name is no longer in the computer. "This darn thing, I am I'mso tired of the glitches that come along with this stupid machine! I will I'll reset it later, of course I will I'll have to call the help desk, AGAIN, and ask them what is going on with the server. It’s always the server!" She muttered under her breath.

I'm wondering if her reaction to "not really being" at work would be so easily accepted. Maybe she could appear more confused and groggy from lack of sleep ... something that would make it logical for her to return home? Maybe she could blame it on her killer{/i} headache. Now, I haven't read science fiction for quite a while so this may not be relevant when you're dealing with "unreality," so to speak.

Also, check the conversation between her and Jeremy. I think there's one place where Jeremy's lines could either be combined into one paragraph OR leave the ending quotes off the first paragraph.

I think this is a good start.

Writegirl

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Review of A Turning Point  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well done. And I was surprised at the ending. I didn't have a clue simply because it seems that someplace, somewhere, there is war. What is interesting is that this could've been written today, I think. And because of that, it's very poignant and powerful. One of it's strongest points is its brevity.

Writegirl
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Review of Beloved Benny  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a well written story. You use excellent imagery allowing the reader to see Marie and her poor little existence.

I would really enjoy knowing a little more background about Marie and what led her to this state of mind. And while I believe someone can become "attached" to an inanimate object, an end table seems a little unusual although, obviously Marie is unusual. Or maybe you could strengthen her "craziness," to show just how far off the deep end she is and to justify her suicide.

Good job

Writegirl
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Review of starlight  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the perspective of this poem you wrote ... how many of us have wished on that first star we see? And how young or how hold are all those that make wishes, lifting them up to heaven?

I believe poetry is a very personal thing ... at least it is for me. And when I write poems I listen to my own sense of rhythm and rhyme inside my heart.

If I may, I'd like to offer some comments. The first four lines have good rhyme and rhythm. The remainder of the lines have some rhyme and some rhythm. Once you establish a pattern of both and then deviate from it, it makes it harder to read. The images you use are good but without a pattern, I struggled with the poem. Of course, you can always decide that your pattern is no pattern at all . You might want to take a second look and decide what you would like this sweet poem to be.

I see you are new to writing.com. I hope you're finding your way around on the site. It took me a while to navigate and I still don't know how to do many things. But there are some wonderful people here who are kind, gentle, and helpful.

I look forward to reviewing more of your work. Please let me know when you post more.

Writegirl
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Rated: E | (4.5)
These words are so true and sometimes we aren't even aware of the power and strength we each have in the touches we give to others.

I would love to know the story behind this piece ... about your aunt. Just a thought.

Welcome to writing.com ... I hope you find it as warm and friendly as I have.

Writegirl
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is really cute and made me smile. What a creative idea. I haven't entered many contests ... your item makes me think that it might be kind of fun.

Writegirl
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Review of FINISH THE DYING  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very powerful piece and the imagery is hard to see ... but so is prejudice and racism. This "hurts" to read ... I want to look away and not see the images you've created yet I know the horror of prejudice and racism and this shows what it really is.

Excellent work
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
RJ:

Your introduction literally gave me goosebumps ... if this is any indication of your writing abilities (and I'll soon find out), you, my friend (if I may call you that) have a true gift.

Your imagery even in this introduction fills my mind with a kaliedscope of pictures.

Well, enough accolades (lol), I want to read your stories.

Writegirl (member of Success Story group)
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24
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful piece full of imagery that is as delicate and fragrant as the flowers you describe. Within this wonderful and awesome message, you've created a piece that entices the reader from the beginning, then slowly invites them into the garden with Rowena. It then picks up speed and the reader rushes with Rowena and is rewarded with a beautifully illustrated truth.

Excellent writing.
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Review of Jason's Need  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is such a heartbreakingly sad story and it is made even stronger by the ending ... finding out Jason is only in kindergarten. Wonderful imagery ... I felt as if I was there in the school hallway with him.
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