This was such an engaging piece. I've never viewed children from these perspectives and like the idea of trying to identify CMPGKs at any future party I attend. The true reality of the piece is the line:
roughhousing endlessly with the child until said child is so wound up that he will not go to sleep again until, say, February.
And then I wonder why parents would invite more than one CMPGK?
Robert:
I liked this poem and I liked its rhythm and rhyme. I have a hard time rating poems simply because I read them only for the pleasure of the message only. There were a few lines where the cadence didn't quite work for me ... but it didn't weaken the message. And that's what's important.
Very good story with an ending that really surprised me. The allegory works very well. I think you could make this item stronger in a couple of areas.
First, the scene with Joe's boss. It sounded a little cliche to me. I think had he looked different or sounded different, his treatment of Joe might have seemed even more nasty than it was. The office appeared a little sterotyped ... although you did well in giving the place a feel of a tired little office and maybe that's just what you wanted.
Showing, rather than telling the reader what is happening, will help strengthen the story as well. I've listed a few examples:
Joe knocked loudly
Joe shut the door gingerly
Joe said in a plaintive voice
Joe stood silently
They all sat nervously, desperate for Joe to say something about it first.
When you show rather than tell, you will use the senses ... and put more action in the words ... instead of knocked, use rapped; what does "gingerly" sound like?; same question for a plaintive voice. Tell me what the silence was like when Joe stood silently. Show me how the other workers were nervous.
I like this type of story with the surprise ending and I'd encourage you to edit and look at how you can show rather than tell.
Here's something I use when I realize I'm telling. Can the reader see it, taste it, smell it, hear it, feel it ... with distinct words that convey the senses? I can tell you that an apple tasted sour but if I talk about how my mouth went dry, taste buds receeding as I bit down into the tartness ... then the reader senses it. Or, rather than tell the reader a woman is beautiful, I show them what she looks like.
It's a good story but with editing and working at showing, rather than telling, it could be a great story.
I know you are very new here and I would like to encourage your writing. I read your other story and was delighted with it.
This seems almost like a synopsis for a short story.
If I may, I'd like to suggest something for you to think about. If you use this as a synopsis, you could create a story that initially has no illusions of the mythical "Siren's Song." You could create a slower placed, seemingly innocent relationship BUT with subtle words or phrases that would make the ending work.
If you'd like some help, I'd be more than happy to give you some examples.
I do feel the idea of such a story is very intriguing and I think it would make a suspenseful read, if done right. But, one warning ... it takes a lot of work.
Your ideas for this and your other story are original and originality is so important simply because so many writers write about the same old thing.
Point well taken in a very good opinion piece. Have you ever considered doing this as fiction? I've struggled with my weight all my life ... suffered at name calling, rejection, and criticism... the worst from my own family. And my struggle has left me so insecure (I'm now 50-something) that even being within 15 pounds of my ideal weight, all I see in the mirror is "Pudge." Too often we categorize everyone from the outside, never looking in. And much of that is aimed at weight.
Unfortunately cruel children grow up to be cruel adults.
This is clearly an item full of despair and a lot of pain. But a lot of the emotion is lost because you are telling me rather than showing me. I'm sure thousands of young girls face the same challenge this girl is facing and only see desperation. I would like to encourage you to try and show what's happening ... using the senses of taste, touch, smell, hearing and by using dialogue rather than telling what was said. Of course, this could just be a rough draft of something yet to come or something from someone's journal. Without knowing exactly what it is, it's hard to go further with my comments. Anyone belonging to writing.com is obviously striving to be a good writer. I'd like to help. There is some good imagery here ... especially about mouths forming words without sound. But you never show what the girl's hopes or dreams are, whether or not they are gone because of the pregnancy, whether she wants the baby, etc. The end is a little weak, almost as if you weren't sure just how to end it. I know that from my own experiences in writing. One of the other things I would offer up is that you need to make the reader care about the main character. And while many care about pregnant sixteen year olds most of what you've shown is a young woman feeling pretty sorry for herself. And that may be true but I want to know more about this young woman.
I hope you take another look and decide what you, the author, wants this piece to be.
Another excellent read with wonderful imagery. Truly gifted writers can show the reader the deepest emotions without using flowery words or trite writing. I really like your style of writing and especially enjoy the short stories.
I think this is a wonderfully descriptive poem that is simple but gives dramatic insights into the emotions felt when someone who is very deeply loved goes Home. It "shows" a strong bond between grandson and grandpa but easily conveys feelings anyone at any age might feel about the loss.
I'm not a very experienced poet; I enjoy writing fiction. Yet, this poem is very straight forward, clean and the message is obvious. I like that in a poem rather than trying to figure out what the poem is really about.
I hope you consider submitting this to christian/youth publications.
Very well written. Your imagery is excellent. And after reading your last story, I was surpised that this one ended just the opposite ... and opposite of what I expected as I read through the story ... and that's good.
Again, I wonder if tightening up some of the paragraphs might strengthen this piece.
A very moving tribute to this kind, gentle man. And your questions asked at the end were just perfect. If only people would really look at them and then, search their hearts and souls.
Excellent imagery ... sight, sound, touch ... I saw it all. Though taken aback at first by the ending, I started laughing. Instead of "stop and smell the roses," "stop and feel the mud."
Excellent poem that captures a different kind of desert thunder. I love the desert and it's legends and your poem reminded me of how the horses once ran wild here.
Your descriptions are good but you've written everything in past tense. You've told me about Dave but you haven't shown me anything.
Here is one example: When the sun finally set, he forced himself to stand up and start walking towards Aroriat. His steps were sluggish, and his breathing was heavy. Every step of the way brought him closer to civilization.
You could make this really come alive if you rewrote this, here's one way: After the sun left the horizon, Dave summoned all his strength and stood. Every step was like walking through knee-deep snow. He struggled for every breath but continued, knowing every painful step was bringing him closer to civilization. --- or something like this that shows Dave doing things.
Also, what is his motivation ... was he lost, was he escaping from somewhere ... what made him risk crossing the desert? While I feel sorry for his situation, I don't have a clue to who he is. Maybe I'm reading this wrong and the real main character is the deathly desert. I may sound a little harsh but living where I do in Arizona and watching and reading about illegal immigrants who want a better live more than anything else, they take the chance of dying in the desert. Make your readers care about this man, beyond his present circumstances.
When you write remember this simple phrase that took me a while to learn to do: Show me, don't tell me.
This story so aptly shows several wonderful truths. One is that we are perfectly formed by the Potter's hands and have a purpose He specifically designed. When we don't turn to Him for guidance, we experience so many chips and cracks. The other, which so compliments the first truth, is that we all have that perfect mate ... not that the mate is perfect, but was perfectly designed for the other.
This story moved me to tears. It is so beautifully written. I was overjoyed when I saw you tied the donkey, shepherds, and sheep to the birth. This story should be published.
Excellent poem. These are the things that will last and you've shown the strength in each of these things. Your imagery is wonderful ... I could feel these things.
This is an interesting piece and a little hard for me to rate. I'm sure there are some ministers who think these very things and abuse their positions. The question I have is what will the minister do now with this power? It seems you have made a good point but I feel somewhat let down as to the rest of the story.
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