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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : If you had to read something in an unfamiliar genre, what would the genre be and which author would you choose? Erotica by Anaïs Nin    I struggled to come up with an answer for this prompt for ages because I read across genres and am generally pretty willing to try anything when it comes to books but then I thought one genre I am unfamiliar with is erotica. I'm not a prude and nor am I asexual, but erotica just doesn't interest me. I'm totally fine with sex scenes in books of other genres but I suppose I just don't particularly want to read the more explicit stuff. I think the language in erotic work can be a bit crude sometimes and I don't enjoy those words and some of the metaphors and descriptions used can be a bit cringey ("lovestick" for example!) But if I had to read this genre then I would choose a quality writer and I know Nin is regarded as one of the best writers of erotic fiction. Also, it would be interesting to read erotica from an earlier time period. Yeah, I'd definitely choose Nin over E. L. James or a writer like that! I don't think I'll ever give Fifty Shades of Grey a try! I've heard it's very poorly written and I can't be bothered with it. After reading up on Nin a bit I am feeling rather curious. It seems she explored some interesting themes and ideas in her erotic writings and it also seems that her work was quite poetic, descriptive and literary. I am quite intrigued by the idea that erotica can be literary. I suppose I tend to think of it as being trashy. Perhaps I have been rather judgemental when it comes to this genre! Maybe I should give it a go sometime just so I can truly consider myself a wide reader. And who knows, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised? Maybe I'll find that erotica isn't just about the sex. Maybe some works do have stories and emotions and interesting themes. I'm not in any hurry to become an erotica reader but never say never! I definitely think Nin would be a good place to start. Sorry this is just a short one today but I'm not too sure what else to say and I'm also pretty tired and finding it hard to concentrate! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : Which children's author's work meant the most to you growing up? Roderick Hunt (and others!) My answer to this prompt really does depend on which part of my childhood I am talking about because obviously my tastes and reading ability changed as I grew older. I could answer with a few different authors, but I have actually already blogged about three of them for this challenge so have decided to focus on my early childhood for this response. But I will briefly mention the others I have mind. So, working backwards... in my teens, no books meant more to me than J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series, which got me through some tough times. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd still be here if it wasn't for Harry Potter. That might sound dramatic but sadly it's also true. The series gave me an escape and I probably lived more in Harry Potter's world than the real one. Again, sad but true. Before that it was all about Lucy Daniels' Animal Ark series. They fed my animal obsession and formed a big part of my childhood. I was inspired by the stories to write my own and probably started my writing career by ripping off Lucy Daniels (or the authors writing under this pseudonym), writing terribly clichéd animal stories! Still, everyone has to start somewhere... And before that I mostly read Enid Blyton and also some Roald Dahl. I already said I adored Blyton's Malory Towers series but I also loved a lot of Dahl's work: Matilda, Fantastic Mr. Fox, BFG, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory etc. Also around this age I read a wonderful book by Pamela Brown called The Swish of the Curtain. This is an adorably charming tale about a group of children who form a theatre group and put on plays for their local community. This book was very special to me as a child as it's one of the first "big" books I read totally by myself. But I suppose the author's work that should probably mean the most to me is Roderick Hunt's work, because I learned to read through them! Hunt wrote The Magic Key series which feature three child characters, siblings Biff, Chip and Kipper Robinson and their family and dog, Floppy. Anyway, I can't remember what the magic key actually unlocked (I have a picture of a wooden box in my head, so it's possibly that!) but it enabled them to go on adventures. I can't remember specific details of stories either to be honest but I know the books had a big impression on me because I got a cuddly toy dog when I was a child, which I still had up until very recently, and I named it Floppy, after the dog in the book! Also, I can still remember very clearly what the characters look like. I have always been a strong reader and I progressed quickly and I guess I have Roderick Hunt to thank for that, at least in part. The Magic Key books definitely contributed to my love of reading. Though my parents read stories to me when I was a baby, I suppose Hunt's books marked a point when I began to read somewhat independently. I hope they're still used in schools if and when I have children.  Non-prompt entry: Everything is really, really crappy right now and I can only apologise again for constantly going on about it and not doing much online beyond blogging. I am still in the middle of a mental health crisis and the home treatment team, who are supposed to be supporting me, have made things worse today. But I won't go in to all of that because it's upsetting and I don't want to get emotional! Hopefully I will be seeing someone from there tomorrow though and hopefully they'll go back to being useful. I also had another eating disorder therapy appointment and I am still finding my sessions very difficult. My therapist gave me a lecture today, which I didn't appreciate, and then we spent most of the session going through a questionnaire I had filled in called the "psychotherapy file". It was pretty tedious! But I feel like I bonded a bit with my therapist in the last five minutes when we both expressed our shock at my care coordinator's abrupt departure. She used the word "odd" to describe it, whereas my word for it is "appalling". I know people are entitled to move on from their jobs but there is a lot of responsibility in a role like that and I think anyone in it has a duty of care towards the people depending on them, and that they should think about how their actions could impact on those people. To just disappear when there is no replacement, no provisions for adequate support in place... well, that's unacceptable. Surely people in these kind of roles should have to give and work a longer period of notice than a week?  If I ever do get to a point where I am coping with my mental health then I think I am going to become a mental health activist and campaign for the rights of mental health service users. I've already made an official complaint about the service I use. I don't feel up to doing much more right now but I might contact my local MP about it all at some point. I'm so depressed that I am continuing to get such poor care. Honestly, the state of mental health services is a national disgrace.  |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : Which author wrote the most disturbing piece of writing you've ever read? John Fowles George Orwell Hubert Selby Jr. Maybe I just get disturbed easily because several authors sprang to mind for this prompt but I have managed to narrow it down to the above three. Sorry if that's cheating but I can't choose between them! So... ~  ~Disturbing piece of writing number one: The Collector by John Fowles This book is about a lonely, socially awkward man called Frederick who collects butterflies for a hobby. He is obsessively in love with an art student called Miranda but feels unable to approach her. He wins a large sum of money and buys a house out in the country. As his obsession for Miranda grows he decides he wants to have her and so he kidnaps her and imprisons her in the cellar of his house, hoping that in time she will grow to love him. I've read this book twice, but a long time ago, so I may not remember things correctly, but I believe the first half of the novel tells the story from Frederick's point of view and the second half is from Miranda's. This highlights the different ways they relate to the world and experience things -- Frederick is cold and closed off and seems unable to relate to others, whereas Miranda is a warm, social person who is full of emotion. Again, if I am remembering it right, I don't think Frederick is sexually motivated, he just appreciates beauty and wants Miranda because she is beautiful to him. The last part of the book is narrated by Frederick again and it ends on a very chilling note. I won't give it away! The idea of this book scares me a lot! I think the author does a good job of making Frederick seem real and it is terrifying. Things like this really do happen and it is almost incomprehensible to me. How could anyone think that it is their right to take another person and hold them against their will? It makes me shudder to think about it. Disturbing piece of writing number two: Animal Farm by George Orwell Argh! Anthropomorphised animals! Now that's disturbing! Also, dystopian fiction gives me the creeps. I'm sure most people know what this book is all about but I'll sum it up anyway! It's an allegorical novel that satirises Stalinism/Russian communism. The animals of Manor Farm, lead by two pigs called Napoleon and Snowball, rise up and overthrow their farmer, driving him from the farm and renaming it Animal Farm. After this they adopt the seven commandments of Animalism, which are: 1. Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy 2. Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend 3. No animal shall wear clothes 4. No animal shall sleep in a bed 5. No animal shall drink alcohol 6. No animal shall kill any other animal 7. All animals are equal Argh! I'm not sure I can do a good job of explaining why, but this book gets increasingly disturbing as it progresses. Napoleon drives Snowball away and begins making changes to the farm, implementing a plan to build a windmill. The animals work hard on this project, believing that life will be much easier once they have a windmill, but unfortunately they have lots of setbacks. One particularly stand-out out disturbing moment for me is when the horse, Boxer, becomes injured, and is taken away. The animals are told he is going to a veterinary surgery, but in actual fact he is being taken to a knacker's yard. I must admit, I cry so much at this part! The callousness of it upsets and disturbs me -- the idea that someone can work so hard, giving their all, and then just be disposed of as if they don't matter. Gradually the pigs of the farm take more and more for themselves and begin to resemble humans, walking on two legs and wearing clothes. They end up shortening the commandments to a single phrase: "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others". It is a terrifying book and the fact that it is a satire reflecting an actual government system makes it even more disturbing. I love this book though and have read it multiple times. It's so well written, so frightening, so creative. I would definitely recommend it! Disturbing piece of writing number three: Requiem for a Dream by Hubert Selby Jr. This book is a terrifying look at drug addiction. It follows the lives of four characters: Harry and his friend Tyrone, girlfriend Marion and mother, Sara. Each one falls into addiction and their lives spiral out of control. Having lost a family member to drugs, this book really gets to me and I find it disturbing how easily people can become caught up in a dangerous and destructive lifestyle. The character Sara's story gets to me the most, to be honest. She becomes addicted to amphetamines, believing she is taking diet pills and ends up in a mental institution. What happens to her there is incredibly scary. This is a challenging book in terms of both its themes and style but it's well worth the effort. It's very depressing though. And I feel like the author is a bit contemptuous of women. When the novel ends, although all the characters are in a dark place, I feel there is hope for the male characters. I do not feel the same way about Marion and Sara. I've read this book multiple times but not for a few years now. It certainly isn't a light read so it's best not to read it when you are feeling down or in a negative frame of mind. ~ ~All three of the books I have chosen could be seen as reflections of the ugliness of real life. I think that's what I find disturbing. Monsters are scary, but life is scarier! With all three pieces I have chosen I think the authors have done a great job of approaching dark themes in very creative ways. I may not be able to say that these are enjoyable books, but they are certainly compelling and well worth a read. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : Have you ever read a series with different authors (e.g. Star Wars, Boxcar Children, 39 Clues, Dragonlance, Wheel of Time, Jason Bourne, etc.)? Which author in the series was your favorite? The Animal Ark series by Lucy Daniels (the pseudonym of a group of writers) I didn't think this prompt applied to me then it suddenly struck me, the Animal Ark series, beloved books of my childhood, were probably written by multiple writers. I don't know why I suddenly realised that, having never considered it before, but I looked it up and I'm right! The Animal Ark series was created by Ben M. Baglio, an American writer, who directed a group of authors in the UK to write the stories under his direction. They feature a girl call Mandy, the adopted daughter of two veterinarians who own a surgery in a small village. Each book has an alliterative title, such as Kittens in the Kitchen or Fox in the Frost and tend to be about Mandy and her friend finding an animal in trouble and trying to rescue it. I adored these books as a child! I have always been an animal lover and dreamed about being a vet, so the stories really appealed to me. I so badly wanted to be Mandy! She seemed to have such an awesome life. I think I owned most of the books in the series and I'm almost certain I read all of them. I wasn't keen on the haunted specials, which featured ghost animals but I thought the rest were great. Particular favourites were Dog at the Door, Lion by the Lake and Panda in the Park. I'm pretty sure Hedgehogs in the Hall made me cry because a baby hedgehog got killed. I learned from that book that hedgehogs are prey to badgers. It was actually pretty gruesome for a kid's book and the memory of it has stayed with me. I was very sensitive to stuff like that as a child and still am to a certain extent. I can't bear the thought of an animal being in pain. Though at least now I understand some animals need to eat other animals and it's just a fact of nature! I never suspected as a child that they were written by multiple authors. I thought Lucy Daniels was a real person! I can't answer the second part of this prompt about which author in the series was my favourite because I don't know who any of them are. According to Wikipedia, each author was named with a special thanks on the copyright page. Unfortunately I no longer own my collection so I can't look up the authors of my favourite books. I gave all mine away when I got depressed and decided I didn't want to be a vet anymore. I regret that so much because I would have loved to be able to pass the series onto my future children. Also, they were a big part of my childhood and I feel sad that I felt I had to give that up and move on. Back then it was a symbolic thing. I was saying goodbye to a dream and that hurts me to think about now. But I was completely disconnected from it then. I was so down about everything, so numb about it all that I just blocked it out, convincing myself I didn't care. Now I care... very much. Now I can see how tragic that was... that a child felt they had to do something like that... that a child could feel that bad and just gave up their future like that. Wow. I actually need to stop blogging about this now because I have gotten kind of emotional over it. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : If you could be on one author's "beta reader" list and get advanced copies of all their works, which author would it be? Nicholas Evans  Argh! I have to say, I am finding the author prompts for this challenge extremely difficult. It is much, much easier to blog about specific books! Anyway, for this particular prompt, my first choice would have been Kazuo Ishiguro, but I already blogged about him. My second choice would have been J. K. Rowling, but again, I already blogged about her! My third choice would probably be Philip Pullman but I am reserving him for another prompt. So that brings me to my fourth choice! It's a tie, to be honest, between Ian McEwan and Nicholas Evans, but I'll go with Evans because I've read everything he has written so far, but there are a few books by McEwan that I've yet to read. So... I enjoy Nicholas Evans' work. My favourite by far is The Horse Whisperer and I've read it multiple times. It's a gripping story that is beautifully written. It's a book about relationships really. When teenager, Grace, and her horse are both badly injured and traumatised in a horrific accident, Grace's mother takes them both to Tom Booker, a horse whisperer, hoping that if he can help the horse, her daughter will be happy again too. This book has gotten under my skin in a big way because the relationship between Grace and her mother, Annie, is very similar to the relationship I have with my own mum and that is pretty painful to read. I think I first read The Horse Whisperer when I was twelve or thirteen and it stands out to me as being the first book I read that contains sex scenes.  I think I was pretty shocked! I've read it a few times since then and I think Evans did a great job of depicting the relationship between Annie and Tom. I like the movie adaptation of this book but will never understand why they changed the ending so dramatically. The book ending is much, much better in my opinion.One thing I really like about Nicholas Evans' novels is that the environment tends to feature prominently and at times feels like an actual character. As a conservationist, this appeals to me! Nature is such a big part of my life so I can understand why Evans gives it so much importance in his books. He often writes about Montana and his descriptions make me want to visit! It sounds like a beautiful place. I've only read his other books through once but I would certainly return to them... well, most of them. I know I very much enjoyed The Brave, which I have already mentioned in this challenge, but I can't actually remember it too well now. The same goes for The Divide. I remember it was very gripping and I raced through it but I'm struggling to remember particular details. The Loop is probably my least favourite and it didn't have a big impact on me and The Smoke Jumper contained a scene that I found so shocking and disturbing I'm not sure I could read it again. Maybe! Although I wouldn't say Nicholas Evans is my favourite writer, I have enjoyed his books a lot and definitely wouldn't complain about getting advanced copies. I will certainly read any books he publishes in the future. Non-prompt entry: My second appointment with the home treatment team went okay. I showed up at the office and then the nurse asked if I would like to go for a walk. She drove us to one of the many lakes we have in my town and we walked there. It was kind of awkward but it was nice to get out and do something. It was better than sitting in a dingy office anyway! She didn't ask me too much about serious or emotional stuff but mostly kept things light. She chatted a lot and I just let her get on with it! I wasn't feeling too chatty myself but was happy to just listen. At one point she asked me if I'm "hypersensitive" because she noticed I knew if people were approaching behind us (cyclists, those walking at a faster pace etc) long before she would have known if I hadn't been there to let her know! I think I might be in some ways and that's why I get so stressed out in supermarkets and busy shops. I'm so sensitive to the noise and the busyness of the colours etc that I get overloaded. It is hard for me to tolerate being in those places for longer than twenty minutes, which is why I get ridiculously stressed at Mark when he takes so long to decide which cereal he wants to buy! I first met this woman a few years ago when she assessed me after I first got referred to the mental health team and I thought she was a real bitch! Then when I saw her again in August, she was still a bitch. But this time she's being nice so when she gave me the option yesterday of seeing her again or seeing another member of the team, I said I wanted to see her. Although she has been a bitch, she's treating me with compassion now and it's much easier for me to talk with people I'm familiar with than to start over with somebody new. When we got back to the hospital I asked if I could give her what I've written down and she said she would read it and call me tomorrow. Then if I want I can go back in tomorrow to talk it through, otherwise I can go on Tuesday, though I think they'll keep in contact over Sunday and Monday. I'm not sure what I'll do yet. The support is intensive but maybe that's what I need right now. And if this is what I need to stop me from being hospitalised then I will go along with it. I really, really don't want to be in the hospital. I feel like I'm on autopilot. I'm not sure what's going to happen but I can't look too far ahead right now. Everything feels a bit unreal. I don't know if I can get through this and I don't know if I even want to try. I'm so, so tired. But what will be, will be. And I will just continue to live moment-by-moment for now because that's all I can do. Breakdowns suck! Sorry if this is all boring reading but it's my life right now. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : Which author's career/bibliography would you most like to have? J. K. Rowling There are a number of authors I could have gone for in answer to this but I'm going with Rowling because her writing career reads like a fairytale really, doesn't it? Isn't that what all we poor, struggling writers dream of? How gratifying to slog away at your craft, have many doors slammed in your face and then hit the BIG TIME. It can only happen to the lucky few! Whilst successful writers need to be talented and driven, I also think they need a hefty dose of luck and Rowling certainly got a lot of that. But I don't begrudge her her success in the slightest because she worked hard and she deserves it. The Harry Potter series are wonderful and they got children excited about reading. Apparently Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was rejected 12 times before Bloomsbury published it. Can you imagine having to live with the fact that you turned down Harry Potter? I wonder if anyone got fired over that. I bet all those publishers are absolutely kicking themselves now!I respect J. K. Rowling as a writer and as a person. Okay, so maybe her prose isn't as sharp and tight as it could be but when it comes to the technicalities of writing I think she is an absolute master at characterisation and plotting. I am in awe of how the series hangs together as a whole and how so many tiny details in earlier books come to hold so much importance later on. And her characters are sensational. I wish I could create characters that just burst right off the page like that. I admire the charity work Rowling does and the causes she gets involved with. I respect her for her courage in publishing The Casual Vacancy when a lot of people were watching with bated breath for her to fail. Can you imagine the pressure she must have felt? I feel most writers tend to be sensitive souls and I think she was a brave lady for opening herself up to such scrutiny. I'm not surprised she chose to release her next two books under a penname. I bet she enjoyed the anonymity for the short while it lasted! I would love to be J. K. Rowling! I would love to have written a series that captured the hearts and minds of so many people; to have enough money that I would never need to worry about it again; to be in a position where I can do whatever I want -- write the books I want, support the causes I want, live the life I want and help others. But it won't happen for me! I work hard at my writing and I think I have improved a lot but I never get any luck! I'm not the sort of person who gets big breaks! But I can dream about it, can't I?! Non-prompt entry: Today has been... interesting. I was supposed to have a sight test this morning and any normal person probably would have cancelled it if they were experiencing a mental health crisis but not me! No, I tried to go, didn't I!  But it wasn't very successful. As I was in my car at the the junction that leads from my estate onto the main road, another driver made an error but had the audacity to beep her horn and glare at me as if I had done something wrong. I won't go into what happened as it's hard to explain, but she was absolutely in the wrong. Under normal circumstances I would be able to shrug off something like that, especially as it was her mistake, but even if it had been my mistake I would still have gotten over it quickly because I understand everyone makes mistakes when driving. However, these are not normal circumstances and I am very emotionally fragile right now and the incident made me cry. Then I couldn't stop crying so I just drove home and cancelled my appointment. Then I cried and cried and cried. When I felt calmer I phoned Mark and told him what happened and cried some more! Then thankfully I was done crying and now I'm over it completely. Can't believe I shed so many tears over a stupid woman who doesn't know how to drive! But like I said, I am very, very fragile right now.My appointment with the Home Treatment Team actually went okay. Although they usually treat people in their homes they allowed me to go to their office again as they know I'm not comfortable with home visits. I spoke with a psychiatrist and also a social worker (mental health nurse?) who I have met before. I've see a few psychiatrists now but the one today is the best I have come across so far -- friendly, polite, respectful, sensitive. The only thing that annoyed me about him was the way he responded to my "I don't knows" with, "okay, you don't want to say." I was too tired to explain that "I don't know" means I'm too overwhelmed to think properly or I'm struggling with an abstract question. I like how he tried to relate to me and talk to me in a way that makes sense to me and my experiences. For example, I told him I studied Animal Biology and Conservation at University and he started asking me questions about what animals need to be healthy and happy. He then used my answers to make a point about what people need to be mentally healthy etc. It was interesting how he did that -- I liked that technique and feel it shows he sees me as an individual. Anyway, I'm supposed to be thinking over what I would like to do when it comes to medication. The options are: 1. changing it; 2. increasing the dose; or 3. keeping it the same and trying that for a bit longer. I said I don't really care but I think I'm going to have to decide. When I'd spoken to the social worker on the phone before my appointment she said my care coordinator told her I sometimes prefer to write things down and that it was okay if I wanted to do that. So I did... but when she asked about it I wasn't brave enough to show it to either of them. Never mind. I have another appointment tomorrow so maybe I'll be able to do it then. I think it would be helpful. I will try to be brave! I'm glad they have agreed to support me this time. I feel like I need it. |
| Prompt from Blog City: What do you look forward to every week? I look forward to Friday evenings and Saturday lunchtimes. On Friday evenings my sister gets home from work and we watch television... pretty much all night! Recently this has been Teen Mom 2 (don't judge me!), Celebrity Juice (again, don't judge me!) and Impractical Jokers, which we have just discovered and absolutely love. We think it's hysterical! Other programmes have included America's Next Top Model or Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model (yes, we watch a lot of crap!) and One Born Every Minute. Occasionally we watch films too. I love Friday evenings because I can just switch off... well, to some extent. Sometimes I can feel some of the other crap just beneath the surface but I am more able to just let it be. It's almost like I can postpone that stuff. I just enjoy spending time and having a laugh with my sister and we laugh a lot on Fridays! Yeah, I can still laugh despite the severe depression. The minute I can no longer do that... well, I won't say it! I look forward to Saturdays because my mum, sister and I have fast food and watch more television together! I'm not a TV addict I swear! These are the only times all week that I watch anything! Recently we have been watching For The Love of Dogs (a programme about Battersea Dogs Home) and Educating the East End (a documentary programme about a school in London). This Saturday we'll be watching the first episode of the new series of The Big Bang Theory! I just look forward to chilling out -- spending time with my family, doing nothing and turning the volume of my thoughts down for just a little while. Okay, I can't keep them turned down forever but it's nice to get some respite for a few hours. Non-prompt entry: Maybe I shouldn't blog about this... but it was traumatic and I feel like I need to talk about it. Sorry if this is too much. I've had a rather terrifying day. After an awful, awful night last night I rang the mental health team yet again and instead of asking to speak to my care coordinator, just said, "can I speak to someone please -- I need help." The receptionist asked who my care coordinator is (  ) so I told her and said I'd been trying to contact him for a week. She said she would tell the duty worker I'd called. But shortly after that my care coordinator rang! And he said I could go in and speak to him at 2pm and asked me to write down what's troubling me, as I couldn't say it. So I did that. One of the first things he told me when I got there is that he is leaving... on Friday. He said it was hard for him to let me know because of my "situation" (probably meaning how hard it is for me to build up relationships with people and how I've only just started feeling able to tell him stuff) and that he was going to put it in a letter!!!!! Can you imagine?!?! Seriously, I would have FREAKED OUT if I'd received a letter about that. Talk about a cowardly act. In some ways I am not sad he is going because he's an idiot, but I'm so scared because they have no replacement for him yet and so I have no "allocated worker". If I need anything I just have to ring and speak to the duty team. That's not going to work. But I can't think about this anymore otherwise I'll have a breakdown. One of the things I wrote is that I don't know whether to stop taking my medication as I don't think it's helping my depression any longer and I think it has actually worsened my anxiety. He advised me to continue with it until I've seen the psychiatrist and then arranged a medication review appointment with him for next week. I realise now this was a helpful and proactive thing to do but I didn't see that at the time because I was feeling anxious and desperate and a week is a long time to wait when you are feeling like that. He kept trying to bring the meeting to a close but I wouldn't go! I don't know what I was trying to achieve really but I very strongly felt that I shouldn't go. I wasn't feeling especially safe. I tried to be honest about my suicidal feelings and that's when things started to get out of control. He kept asking me if I need to be in hospital but I repeatedly said no. I think that would make matters worse. He asked if I have a suicide plan and I said yes and he said he was going to prevent me from leaving and call the police. When I shook my head he said, "you can't stop me from doing that." Then he got up and I started saying, "please, please" but he just told me to wait there and left the room. I was so, so scared.He came back and said the psychiatrist was available so we went to speak to him. He asked me a lot of questions and I went into "I don't know" mode because I got so overwhelmed. I was really starting to get burned out and ended up saying, "I don't even have the energy to kill myself anymore". Also, at one point I said, "I don't want to die but I can't live like this either". I wasn't able to say much else. They asked if I would agree to go to hospital but I said no. They also asked if I would engage with the Home Treatment Team but I said I didn't think there was any point because of what happened last time. After a while they asked me to wait outside while they discussed what to do. Then my care coordinator came and sat with me and said they'd decided I need to be detained and assessed under the mental health act. To that I think I just said, "oh my god, no!" Then he said that's what would happen because I was refusing to engage with the Home Treatment Team. So I backtracked rapidly! I said I would engage with them if there was a choice between that and getting sectioned. After speaking with the doctor again they agreed I could do that and they let me go. I felt somewhat relieved but not entirely as I was still feeling crap and thought maybe I did need to go to the hospital, even if I didn't want to. But mostly I just felt I wanted to get home to think. I know I need help but I think being sectioned would have had the opposite effect. I think the lack of control would have pushed me over the edge. The Home Treatment Team contacted me this evening and I am seeing them tomorrow. I'm not feeling as desperate and out of control as I was. Now I'm just completely and utterly weary and sad. I can't believe my life has come to this. And I can't believe I actually managed to talk my way out of being sectioned. My manipulation skills and powers of persuasion are second to none! But I'm not especially proud of that. I feel like I should become a sleazy politician or something.  |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : Are any recognizable authors from your hometown/current town? Have you read them? Malcolm Rose This is just going to be a short one because I've had one hell of a day and am not really feeling up to this right now! But I want to keep taking part and I'd rather have a lame entry than a late one, which would probably be lame too because I don't think tomorrow is going to be much better. Anyway, I'm going to have to stretch/twist some of the prompts for week 4 a bit because a lot don't apply to me and it's hard to know what to say about them. In this case, well, I don't know if Malcolm Rose is "recognisable" or notable but he's the only one I can think of! Also, he is originally from Coventry but he definitely lived in my hometown (which is also my current town) and would sometimes mention its name in his novels. I don't want to say what town I'm in but here's a couple of clues: it's famous for roundabouts and concrete cows!  He's a young-adult novelist who writes mystery, crime and thriller books. I don't know if Malcolm Rose is still living in the same town as me but he was living here when I was in secondary school and he came to speak to my English class. He had previously worked as a chemistry lecturer at the Open University. My memories of his talk are pretty hazy on the whole but what I do remember is a rather intense and creepy man! I know at one point he said he knew of countless undetectable ways to murder us using chemistry!  Yeah, he was that kind of guy! Before then I hadn't read any of his work but I felt curious after he'd spoken to us. I'm sure he talked about his books, even though I don't remember what he said, and that must have made me want to check them out. He has a series of crime novels called the Lawless and Tilley series and I know for certain I read some of them, even though I don't remember exact details about them. I know there was a lot of science in his books and I enjoyed that aspect of them, even if it was chemistry! I believe the character, Brett Lawless, has a biochemistry degree. I read some of his other stuff too. I think possibly the first one was The Alibi. I have a feeling this was his latest book when he came to speak to us and that he talked a lot about it but I don't remember a single detail from it now! Another one I read was called Clone and that was about... cloning. Hahaha! Again, I don't remember the details. He's a good writer, I think, and he's obviously an intelligent man. I enjoyed his work even if it didn't stick in my memory. I've read an awful lot in my life so I'm not going to remember everything! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : My favorite supporting character from a book is... Matthew Cuthbert from Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery I found it quite tough to come up with an answer to this at first because what constitutes a "supporting" character? For a while I thought I would go for Lord Asriel from Northern Lights by Philip Pullman but Wikipedia lists him as one of the "major characters" in the series and the "main protagonist" in the first book. Maybe he is! I suppose I saw him as more of a supporting character because the character Lyra is central to the novel and Lord Asriel's story is told in relation to hers, if that makes sense. But as much a I love Asriel, I am going with Matthew Cuthbert because I love him more! I'm sure most people have read Anne of Green Gables or know the story anyway, but for anyone who doesn't, it's about an orphan girl who is sent to live with Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert, middle-aged siblings who own a farm. They had wanted to adopt a boy to help them out around the farm but there is some kind of mix-up and they get Anne. At first Marilla is determined to send Anne back but she changes her mind. Anne and Marilla have very different personalities and have a hard time understanding each other but Anne finds a kindred spirit in Matthew, even though they are rather different in personality too. Matthew is a simple man with a gentle soul. He's a shy and awkward person but is immediately drawn to the imaginative Anne, content to listen to her chatter. While Marilla takes on the responsibility of raising Anne, Matthew is free (and willing) to indulge her a bit. I love Matthew because of his kindness and gentleness. I can also relate to him a lot as I am also more of a listener than a talker and I share his love of people who enjoy talking. For people like Matthew and me it's great to be with a chatty person who just talks, talks, talks and doesn't even notice that you're not saying much in return! *Spoiler alert* I cry like a little baby when Matthew dies! I've read this book countless times but it always hits me hard. How could the author kill off such a sweet-natured, harmless character! Okay, I get why but it's still tough to take! I feel like the purpose of Matthew's death is to bring Anne and Marilla closer to each other. The death has a huge impact on both of them, of course, but especially Marilla, who is also losing her sight. She begins to need Anne more and more and it is clear by the end of the novel that she genuinely loves Anne. I guess I could have gone for Marilla in answer to this question too -- I love her character arc. But Matthew... poor, sweet Matthew! I love him so much! Non-prompt entry: Hahahahahaha! Guess what? My care coordinator finally returned my calls! But... I was at the RDA, where I have to put my phone on silent, so I missed him. He left a message saying I was welcome to ring him back. I did just over an hour later and was he available? Of course not! So the receptionist said she would let him know I called. Did he call me back? Of course not! This is beyond ridiculous. I called at 12pm. If I had known he wasn't going to call I would have asked to speak to someone else but because he said I could ring I assumed he would have a moment to speak to me at some point. So like an idiot I waited... and waited some more. I am so, so sick of this. He knows I work on Tuesday mornings. ARGH!But enough of that. The RDA was quite good today. The girl who rides Buster, who I have blogged about before, is doing really well. I don't think she will ever get to where she can ride independently but she can do some things when prompted to do them. Steering is still a problem for her but I think she did it at least once today on her own, and a few other times with help. Also, I'm pretty sure she attempted to stop Buster herself at one point, without being told to do it. She's such a lovely child -- so pretty and sweet! She can't really talk but she nods and smiles a lot when people speak to her. She gets excited over trotting and likes to see the other children doing it and giggles a lot when it's her turn. I really hope she is getting something out of her riding lessons. Otherwise I have had a boring day. I got so cold when walking Jade as it has suddenly become really wintery here. I feel like I might die this year as I'm suffering with the cold so much already! I don't know how I'm going to cope because it's only going to get worse! I'm tired and stressed and my anxiety is rising rapidly. I wish my doctor wasn't away. |
Today is my lovely dog Jade's 14th birthday!   I think she has had a good day! She was spoiled with gifts! We got her a new basket, a collar (purple with white spots), a toy in the shape of a hamburger and some dog-safe chocolate buttons! Jade had fun opening her presents and playing with the new toy. She also had a birthday "cake" (a dog treat with a candle in it) and nearly set fire to the rug when she tried to grab the treat before we'd blown the flame out! I can't believe my dog is fourteen years old.  I know she doesn't understand that it's her birthday but she sure did enjoy all the attention and new things! It was nice to see her so happy.In other news... I received a response to my email about the job scheme. Apparently there is a new member of staff who is taking over the scheme and she only started today. The other lady is going to pass my application onto the new lady and get things moving again. So yay! I haven't been rejected! This could still happen. Fingers crossed. I'm still stressed though. Four messages have now been left with my care coordinator, asking him to call me. One of those messages was left by someone from the crisis line. Why won't he call me? Seeing as I first tried to contact him last Wednesday this just isn't good enough. And it could be downright dangerous. I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer... Tomorrow I'm going to ring the team and say, "my care coordinator won't contact me -- is there someone else I can speak to instead?" Waiting around for people to contact me seems to be the story of my life at the moment as I am also waiting to here about my referral to the Community Dental Service and somebody from an advocacy service who is hopefully going to help me approach my previous dental surgery about my concerns with the care I received there. I am still waiting to hear about the Asperger Support group and I emailed my old university tutor about something too and am waiting for him to contact me. I'm sure I'm forgetting something as well! I understand people are busy but this is all getting ridiculous. And I am getting more and more anxious. It's not good. I'm going to the RDA tomorrow and I'm very tired right now so I hope I will get a good night's sleep for once. Wish me luck with that! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : My favorite antagonist from a book is... Count Olaf from A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket I could have gone for Voldemort from the Harry Potter series or Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest for this prompt as both are fantastic villains, but I have, of course, already blogged on those books. Then I was going to go with Mrs Danvers from Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. But then I remembered Count Olaf! And of course I have to go with him! He's one of the best villains ever created. For anyone who doesn't know A Series of Unfortunate Events are thirteen children's novels about three children, Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, whose parents die. The books chronicle their lives from then onwards and all the tragedies and terrible things that befall them when they are placed with various relatives. In the first book, A Bad Beginning, their distant relative, Count Olaf, becomes their guardian. And he's great! Eccentric, ridiculous, lazy, greedy and selfish. Just plain evil, to be honest! He thinks that by becoming the children's legal guardian he will be entitled to their inheritance. When he learns that won't happen, he cooks up a crazy and wicked scheme to get what he wants but the children manage to outwit him. Throughout the series, Olaf pops up in various disguises and attempts to deceive the children into thinking he is someone else so he can get his hands on their fortune. The children are far too smart to fall for his crazy schemes but unfortunately the adults around them are frequently hoodwinked. Olaf becomes more and more outlandish as the books progress and it makes for great reading! I love everything about Count Olaf! He's so comical -- so dastardly! He's tall and thin, with gleaming eyes and a unibrow. And of course he has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle. He's so obviously a villain that it's funny when most of the other characters miss that time and time again. But there are also hidden depths to this character and signs that he isn't all bad and in the last book we see a different side to this him. Yes, he is still cruel and scheming, but we get some glimpses into his background that show maybe he wasn't always like that. I bet the author of the series had an absolute blast creating Olaf. He's so much fun! He's villainous, of course, but the books are not supposed to be taken seriously. The comedy comes in the absurdity of the terrible situations, the stupidity of the adults and the repetition of themes -- just how many times can Olaf don a disguise and get away with it?! The books are ridiculous, but they are fun and pure escapism. I've read the whole series twice and wouldn't hesitate to read it again. Count Olaf is a great character -- definitely one of my favourites! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : The book I would most like to see made into a movie or television series is... Dead Famous by Ben Elton I've blogged on this subject twice before! But in both instances the the book had already been adapted into a movie, I just felt one could have been done so much better and the other one should have a modern adaptation. These books were Northern Lights (or The Golden Compass) by Philip Pullman and Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier This time I'll go for something that I don't think has been adapted for the screen already! Dead Famous is a clever and funny satirical murder mystery about a reality TV show called House Arrest, which is similar to the reality show Big Brother On one night the contestants are tasked with remaining inside a darkened sweatbox, which is intended to bring them into close proximity with each other. The producers hope that this will result in a sexual encounter. However, one housemate leaves the box to go to the toilet and then gets murdered by someone hidden under a sheet. The novel is then about three police officers' investigation and efforts to determine the killer. I've only read the book once but I enjoyed it immensely! It's very funny and clever. It's also completely gripping and I could hardly bear to put it down. It's a fast-paced, satirical exploration of the whole reality TV culture that examines the shock-factor of these shows. Although it was written in 2001, I suppose it is still pretty relevant today, maybe even more so than it was back then. We seem to be overrun with reality stars and celebrity-wannabes! I wish I had a better memory of the book because then I might feel able to comment on which actors I feel should play the different characters but I'm afraid I don't remember it well enough. Still, I think the characters are pretty generic as it's more of a plot-driven book than a character-driven one, so it probably wouldn't matter too much! I think it should be made into a movie because it has an exciting plot and it's funny, even though the idea of a murder happening on live television is pretty terrifying. If done right I think it could be pretty great! ~ ~Non-prompt entry: ARGH! It took me so long to write the above entry because my sister and her partner were clowning about and being incredibly irritating. I just couldn't focus. I thought about going upstairs but decided not to as I knew I would still be able to hear them. I just decided to wait for them to grow bored and then continued writing it when my sister's partner left. I seriously can't stand living hear sometimes... most of the time... and I know that my living situation is contributing to my poor mental health. Lack of privacy, tidiness and peace are all getting to me so much. I need my own space. I can't believe I'm almost 30 and I'm back living at home. That is so, so depressing.  I really hope my care coordinator calls me tomorrow because I feel in desperate need of help. A while ago my sister and I gave the dog a bath and that was a bit of an ordeal! Jade hates baths and so I don't give her one nearly as often as I probably should. I use pet wipes to keep her fur somewhat clean but because she likes rolling in the garden so much and gets very muddy, she does need a proper wash sometimes. She was starting to get very smelly so we couldn't put it off any longer! In the summer I tend to wash her outside, using jugs of water, and this can become pretty comical as she'll race all around the garden trying to avoid me, only dashing back over to attack the towel or water jugs! But tonight we washed her in the bathtub, using the shower head, and she was not impressed! She was pretty good at first but then started whining and soon began struggling to jump out. But she's all clean now and smells great (or as great as a dog can smell!) so it was worth the effort. Earlier this evening I was brave and sent an email following up on my application to the job scheme. I applied for it 5 weeks ago today and still haven't heard anything. Hopefully the lady will get back to quickly with some good news! I am so desperate to get working and I think this scheme is the best way for me to get back into the employment world. I think I've said before that they train people who have experienced mental health problems to be support workers. Although I don't want to make a career out of being a support worker, the training sounds amazing and I feel like I need the level of support on offer to be able to work. It's a stepping stone -- that's how I see it. I feel like I really need this so fingers crossed it works out. In other news, I just found out I have been awarded another golden scroll ("The Golden Scroll" ), this time for my poem "Invalid Item" . To be awarded once was an honour but twice?!?! I am so happy and excited! And grateful too, to the person who nominated me and those who decided to award my poem. It's such a personal piece and I'm so glad people like it. |
| Prompt from Blog City: My First Flight: You might be moved by the sheer technology of it or the travel abilities that it affords. Let's see if you can connect with the excitement and the mystery and how it has changed your view on travel. My first ever flight was actually only a year ago... well, a year and 18 days ago to be precise. I realise flying for the first time at 26 is pretty late but... whatever! I am not from a particularly well-off background and my family did not holiday abroad when I was a child. I had the opportunity to go to France on a school trip but I didn't even want to! And if I had, I wouldn't have travelled there by plane but would have taken a ferry across the channel. I guess I left it really late to travel abroad because of a combination of other priorities and a lack of money. I didn't have a burning desire to experience flying or to visit another country but that changed in 2013. It suddenly became very important to me and I felt like I needed to experience both. To be honest, I think this was because I was feeling increasingly suicidal and I didn't want to die having never been in a plane before and having never visited another country. Depressing, but true! Anyway, I blogged about the anticipation of my first ever flight here: "Invalid Entry" . I was feeling an intense mixture of nerves and excitement! I also blogged about the actual flights I took to and from Amsterdam. This is what I said about it just days after returning home:So... Amsterdam! It was amazing! I'll start with flying... it blew my mind to be honest. I know it is very uncool to be anything but blasé about travelling and that people like to pretend they're old hands at it and that it's no big deal etc... but I'm not very cool. I spent most of the flight there with my face pressed up against the window, lol, and I don't care how silly I looked! We took off at 6am and I was so scared but also really excited. We got to see a beautiful sunrise from the sky and that is an experience I'm never going to forget. And for the return journey: The airport was kind of stressful as they do things a bit differently there than they did at Luton airport and for a while we thought we had somehow skipped security. We were kind of worried! But it all turned out fine and before too long I was on a plane for the second time. This time we took off while it was light, so I got to see the ground getting smaller and smaller. I sat looking out of the window for most of the flight again. I really like flying -- it's such a weird sensation and my mind finds it hard to actually process it! How can I be in the air?! Crazy! I still feel the same now! I think I will be both anxious and excited if and when I fly again. It will take some getting used to. It still blows my mind to think I was thousands of feet up in the air! And I didn't die! I definitely want to experience flying again and I definitely want to visit other places in the world, My ultimate dream is to go to Pench National Park in India. Maybe one day... |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : Have you ever read a book in a single sitting/day? If so, describe the experience. If not, could you see yourself ever doing that? Yes! Reading a book in a single day used to be a common occurrence for me before my concentration got so bad. Being ill and unemployed I have a lot of time on my hands so I tend to fill it up with reading when I am feeling up to it. Short, highly readable books such as Love Story by Erich Segal, The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger and Cannery Row by John Steinbeck can be read remarkably quickly! But I have been known to read longer books in a single day too. One that stands out is The Brave by Nicholas Evans. I could hardly bear to put this down! I found it so gripping and I was desperate to know how it turned out. Funny thing is, I actually don't remember what it was about or what I found so compelling about it! I think I will read it again at some point. Some other books that I think I probably read in a day include The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon and The Cement Garden by Ian McEwan. The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas is pretty short and very readable. It's set in World War II and is about a boy whose father is an SS officer who gets a job as a commandant at a concentration camp and moves his whole family out there to a house outside the camp. Bruno meets a Jewish boy named Shmuel, who is a prisoner and they become friends. I don't think the book is especially realistic but it is certainly moving and it got to me emotionally. The ending made me cry and there is one line that particularly tugged at my heart-strings. I have since read the book a second time and have also seen the movie adaptation -- it's a good story! I wouldn't say it's a favourite novel of mine but it's certainly well-written and clever. Seeing such horrific events through the eyes of a child who doesn't understand what is happening is particularly effective and makes for quite chilling reading at times. I would definitely recommend this book! The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time is one of those special books that is pretty much perfect. It's narrated by 15-year old Christopher who has some kind of developmental disorder, most likely Asperger Syndrome, though I don't think this is ever specified in the book. Christopher discovers the body of his neighbour's dog, which has clearly been killed by someone, and becomes determined to figure out who did it. The book is then a depiction of his investigations and interactions with various people. It's such an original book and Christopher is a fantastic character who I really grew to care about. I loved reading a book from the perspective of someone who sees the world in a very different way to most people. I've read it countless times and am sure I will read it many more! It doesn't take long and I never get bored of it. The Cement Garden is probably more of a novella than a novel and is one of the strangest books I have read, though I thought it was pretty great. It's about four siblings whose parents die and the steps they take to hide what has happened in order to avoid being taken into foster care. It's a pretty dark and disturbing story to be honest. And it's very weird! But McEwan is a fantastic author and the writing is utterly compelling. I've only read this book once but I plan to read it again very soon as I would like a reminder of the plot details before I watch the film adaptation, which I have had on DVD for a while. Dark and weird can be good, and in this case, they are very, very good! As for reading a book in a single sitting, well, I am sure I have done that a lot too, probably with some of the books I have mentioned. The most notable occasion was when I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling in one sitting. I know I probably already blogged about that but it is most definitely the longest book I have read in one sitting and I think it probably took me about ten hours, maybe a little less. It had to be done! There's no way I could sleep not knowing how the Harry Potter series ended up so I started reading as soon as I got home after buying my copy at Midnight and read it straight through, only stopping when nature called! Yeah, that was crazy! I can't specifically remember any other books that I have read in one sitting but I am sure I have done it a lot. Sometimes I just can't not do it! Sometimes I just need to know what happens and at the time that feels like the most important thing in the world. I love it when I can get so completely absorbed in a book. |
| Sorry for any errors in this and recent blog entries -- I am tired, distressed and not concentrating too well at the moment. Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Orange is a color that people either hate or love: tell us how you feel about it.Along with purple, orange is my absolute favourite colour!  It is such a warm colour and I particularly love the terracotta shade. If I ever get to own my own home I plan to have farm-style kitchen with a terracotta floor and either burnt orange or persian orange walls. That's how I decorate all my kitchens when I play on Sims 3 and it looks so nice! At present my bedroom is decorated in a purple, red and orange theme. The floor is purple and the curtains are red and I then have purple, red and orange furnishings and accessories. It's actually quite hard to find orange furnishings so I only have an orange cushion at the moment but as soon as I see a duvet with all three of those colours on it I'll snap it up!The colour orange reminds me of Autumn and that's my favourite season. I love to see all the different shades of colour as the leaves change and the patches of orange in a line of trees always looks especially striking. My town is always so beautiful at this time of year because we have a lot of nature. It actually makes driving a pleasure as the main roads are lined with trees -- their beauty can take my breath away. Everything looks especially magical when the sun is shining brightly. What more can I say on this colour?! I had two orange kitties and they were adorable! All cats are beautiful but I have a particular soft spot for the ginger ones! And hey, orange tastes good too! I love, love, love clementines and orange-flavoured chocolate is amazing. Okay, so those things don't really have anything to do with the colour, but never mind! Though perhaps clementines wouldn't taste so good if they were green or something! What's not to love about orange?! Okay, neon orange can be a bit much, but the subtler shades are gorgeous. I feel it is such a rich, warm colour and I want it around me! Non-prompt entry: I'm still doing pretty crap and have more evidence of how mental health services are failing. As I felt I was getting to crisis point I contacted the mental health team on Wednesday and left a message for my care coordinator to call, hoping I could get some support and potentially stop the crisis in its tracks. But he didn't return my call that day or Thursday. I called again this morning and left another message for him and waited all day. Did he ring me? Nope. At 5:20pm I called the out of hours service and explained what had happened and said I was feeling pretty distressed. The woman I spoke to said I could have asked to speak to another member of the mental health team and that there should be a duty worker available for if my care coordinator is busy. Okay?! So in the almost 4 years I have been under the care of mental health services, why has nobody ever thought to tell me that? This morning I did actually say to the receptionist, "I need to speak to someone" and even she didn't say I could speak to the duty worker. The woman from the out of hours service wasn't especially helpful, advising me to watch TV despite me telling her I am struggling with obsessive thoughts that are stopping me from doing anything except... well... obsessing over stuff! It's hard to watch TV when all you can think about are your teeth. I have become so fixated on my teeth it is ridiculous. And stressful. I said I feel my medication is making my obsessive thoughts worse and that I didn't know if I should stop taking it. She advised me to continue with it but I'm not sure. I might reduce the dose and see what happens. She also said she would email my care coordinator and get him to contact me on Monday but that doesn't help me now. And will he contact me? I have no idea! The mental health team are letting me down so badly. I told my care coordinator all I really need right now in terms of support is emotional support and what does he do? He cuts my appointments down to every 4 weeks. I can't seem to go more than a week-10 days without experiencing significant mental distress so support every 4 weeks is not going to cut it... which is why I keep ringing him in between appointments. I have been increasingly leaning on my GP for support, contacting him by phone often and seeing him on a weekly or fortnightly basis. He is wonderful and helps me a lot but I often sense he is out of his depth. He is a GP, not a mental health worker, and it isn't really his job to support me to the extent he is currently doing. I am worried that I am overwhelming him and also becoming too dependent on him. He is having to pick up the slack from an inadequate mental health team and that isn't fair. I am so infuriated by the system. It's about time the government sorted this out and started listening to the people who are actually accessing these services. Mental health services need more staff, more funding, more resources. They are stretched to breaking point and people are falling through the cracks. There was a recent newspaper article about how we need to do more research into mental health and I agree with that whole-heartedly. We do not fully understand how to support and help people with mental health problems and we should be doing so much more than we are to rectify that. When is the government going to step up in regards to this issue? |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : My favorite genre and/or subject matter to read is... Anything and everything! Honestly, I'll read pretty much anything! I have very wide tastes and can't really identify any particular genre as a favourite when it comes to fiction. There are maybe a handful of genres I am not especially interested in, such as erotica, some romance, particularly paranormal romance or Mills & Boon type stuff. And I don't like vampires at all! I thought Dracula by Bram Stoker was boring and I have no interest in the Twilight stuff (apart from watching the movies with my sister so we can make fun of the appalling acting and terrible writing and have a laugh!) Having said that, I do plan to read The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova at some point as my Dad recommended it to me and Mark is always going on about Anne Rice's vampire works so I will probably have to check those out eventually! I just hate the whole "sexy vampire" thing, which is why I wrote this: "Invalid Item" .Anyway, here are a few favourite novels from each of the main genres. I have categorised things rather loosely and appreciate some books have more than one genre! Classic: Anything by John Steinbeck! Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger Animal Farm by George Orwell Comedy: Catch-22 by Joseph Heller Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding Crime/Detective/Mystery: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon I read a lot of this genre as I find it easy reading so it is especially good for when my concentration is bad. But I rarely read a crime/mystery novel that I absolutely love. The above is an exception as it is so original and beautifully written, Fantasy: Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter! The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman Horror/Ghost: Misery by Stephen King The Shining by Stephen King I'm not overly into horror, to be honest, but I read and enjoyed a lot of Stephen King novels as a teenager! As for ghost stories, I love: The Woman in Black by Susan Hill Gothic: Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier Love, love, love this book! It's so clever and has such an awesome twist. I've read it countless times. Historical: The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett Romance: Love Story by Erich Segal Atonement by Ian McEwan Science Fiction: Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes War of the Worlds by H. G. Wells I'm sure I'm missing out loads but my brain isn't working too well tonight! As for non-fiction, I enjoy psychology -- I like to read about psychological theories and anything to do with mental illness is of interest to me. I read a lot of self-help books but I am not so good at putting the advice into practise! I also enjoy history, especially anything to do with World War II and I have a special interest in Anne Frank. I have read an awful lot about Anne Frank, her diary and the people connected to her. I recently read an amazing book, The Hidden Life of Otto Frank by Carol Ann Lee and would definitely recommend it. I enjoy reading biographies and autobiographies and I also like true-life stories. True animal stories are fun to read as well! The good thing about having such broad tastes is that I will never run out of reading material. I can't imagine restricting myself to just one or two genres. The pleasure of reading, for me, is in the variety of stuff out there and the vastly different ways a writer can tackle a certain theme. I am always open to trying different things when it comes to books. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : My favorite protagonist from a book is... Sugar from The Crimson Petal and the White by Michel Faber I have many, many favourite protagonists and I could have gone with any one of them for this prompt but I decided to go with a less obvious choice this time. The Crimson Petal and the White is set in Victorian England and centres on Sugar, an intelligent, independent woman working as a prostitute in London. Sugar is also a writer, working on a novel about a prostitute who exacts revenge on her clients in gruesome ways. She catches the attention of the rich but rather weak William Rackham and he employs her as his own personal "companion" or mistress even though he is married and has a child. He purchases luxury accommodation for Sugar and provides her with many fine things on the condition that she works for him alone and on his terms. It is a long book but well worth the effort. I have read it at least twice and will certainly read it again at some point. What I like about Sugar is her vulnerability, hidden away beneath the confident and sophisticated manner she presents to the world. At heart it appears she just wants the love and security that any person wants. She may seem strong and self-sufficient on the surface but I don't think she really is, or at least not to the extent she would like to be. And despite her "low" position in society she comes across as cultured and refined and this is why she is so appealing to her many wealthy, high-status clients. This complexity makes her a compelling character and she is easy to warm to and root for. As the book progresses the author cleverly depicts how Sugar's new circumstances actually chip away at her confidence and identity. Where she was once strong-willed and independent, feeling lucky to have "landed on her feet" with William, she starts to feel terrified of losing her new-found status and becomes rather clingy and fragile. Psychologically this is fascinating as Sugar is so obsessed with and anxious about remaining William's mistress and keeping her new opulent lifestyle that she can't see how miserable it is making her and how it is changing her. Eventually William moves Sugar into his home, employing her as a governess to his young daughter. He seems to become less interested in Sugar and this panics her. Fearing that he will cast her out she tries to recapture his focus by using the only means at her disposal -- her sexuality -- but this doesn't seem to work as William becomes increasingly caught up in his business and also his own worries about money. Sugar becomes very close to William's daughter, Sophie, and, through her love for the child, gains back her old personal strength, becoming the independent, strong-willed woman she once was. The development of the character throughout the novel is brilliantly written and completely absorbing. The author brings Sugar to life and her journey is mesmerising to read. I would definitely recommend this book! ~ ~Non-prompt entry: I've had such a boring and tedious day. The highlight was going to the shop to buy some rice. I'm not doing too good and I feel like I am close to crisis point but I don't know how to stop hurtling towards it. I know things are getting bad when I struggle to make the simplest decisions. For example, I have literally spent hours trying to decide whether to wash my hair today or tomorrow. Hardly a life-changing decision and yet my mind seems to think it is of the utmost importance!I'm stressed because I am waiting to hear about a number of things. My GP referred me to the Community Dental Service because of my anxieties and OCD behaviour around my teeth and I am anxious to hear from them as soon as possible because I have so many teeth-related worries. I am also waiting to hear about the Asperger Syndrome support group I was assessed for and just want to get going with that. I am worried that it has already started and that they failed to notify me. I am still waiting to hear about the job scheme I applied for about 5 weeks ago, possibly more. I need to email the lady about it but am putting it off because I am so scared she's going to tell me I have been unsuccessful. I could not cope with that but I can't cope waiting in suspense either. All this waiting around for stuff is causing me a huge amount of anxiety and I think that is why I'm losing the plot a bit.Yesterday I left a message for my care coordinator to call me but he didn't. My GP is away. I don't know who to turn to for support. I'm scared. So sorry if I am not too active at the moment. I am still taking part in the Blog Harbour challenge but I'm not convinced I can keep that up. I'm not feeling especially functional right now and I am finding it hard to settle to anything. I will try to catch up on blogs soon. I can't stand being like this. Sorry to be so miserable -- I just needed to vent. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : In what format do you typically read books (hardcover, paperback, Kindle, audiobook, etc.)? Paperback Mostly I read paperbacks because they are cheapish, easy to handle as they tend to be lightweight and generally smaller than hardback books, meaning I can fit more on my shelves! I buy most of my books second hand from charity shops and these tend to be paperback copies. I feel bad that through doing this I am cheating the writer out of money but this is the only way at present that my book collection can keep up with the speed of my reading. Perhaps when I am working I will start buying more books from new but being unemployed I need to watch the pennies and I will save where I can. At least I am helping charity through buying from the charity shops! And at least the books are getting read, even if the writer isn't profiting. Isn't that the most important thing? As a writer, I personally would rather someone buy my book from a charity shop than not buy it at all. Occasionally I will buy hardback books from charity shops too but I try not to this so often because I just don't have the room for them. I'll only buy a hardback new if it's by a favourite author, such as J.K. Rowling. I will definitely get Kazuo Ishiguro's next book in hardback as I will likely buy it the day it hits the shelves. In some ways I like hardbacks more because they stay in better condition. I remove the dust jackets when I'm reading them so they don't get dirty or torn. I always feel a bit sad when the spine of a paperback gets a crease on it, even though I know this is a good thing as it's a sign the book has been read! Part of me just wants them to stay looking all shiny and new. But nothing beats snuggling up in bed with a well-loved paperback! I've resisted getting a kindle or other e-reader so far because they don't really appeal to me. I feel like I would miss the feel and smell of a real book. However, I'm starting to think I might get one at some point because they are a great space-saver and e-books tend to be pretty cheap. Plus it's kinder to the environment. So although I am in no hurry to make that change, I think at some point I will get an e-reader. I'm sure I'll still buy actual books though. I'd definitely like to have physical copies of special books. As for audiobooks... no. Just no! I already have a hard time concentrating on reading and I have an even harder time concentrating on listening. When I read I have my own voice in my head and that suits me fine because reading is for me, something I do for myself to escape the world, I don't want someone else's voice in there! It wouldn't feel right. When I was in middle school we listened to an audio recording of Farmer Giles of Ham by J. R. R. Tolkien and although I enjoyed the story, I would have much preferred to have just read it myself. Also, throughout my school life we would read books as a class, with different students reading aloud. I don't feel so engaged with the subject matter if someone else is reading it to me. If I can read it myself, I can create my own idea of how the characters sound and talk. So yeah, audiobooks are definitely not for me! I didn't think I would have a lot to say for this prompt but I have surprised myself. ~ ~Non-prompt entry: So... very recently I blogged about Jade and how it is very likely she has canine dementia. The vet recommended I try her on a supplement. He hadn't received a lot of feedback on it but said it was worth a try and I agreed with that. I have been giving them to her for two weeks now and guess what? There has already been a marked improvement.  She is now doing things that she had stopped doing. For example, if someone came in the house she always used to grab her toy and take it over to that person but for some reason she stopped this. Now she is doing it again! She has always been an incredibly playful dog but appeared to have lost interest in her toys in recent months. Now she has begun playing again, and not just when someone tries to get her to play (which I make a point of doing every day), but of her own accord. Okay, so she's not playing with her toys a lot but playing a bit is better than her not playing at all.But I said to Mark that the biggest indicator for me that she is getting back to her old self will be if she starts rolling on walks again. She used to adore rolling and in her heyday could roll around fifty times on a walk. But then she stopped... that is until just last week! My Jadey is rolling again! I am over the moon about this and keep feeling emotional about it. My dog means the world to me and I just want her to be healthy and happy. I don't know if the supplements will continue to work or to what extent her condition will progress but I'll just go with the flow, and if she's only better for a short while then that is better than nothing. She turns fourteen in five days and is still generally in pretty good health. Fingers crossed she stays in good health for a long while yet! I know some people may not understand this, but I need my dog. And I love her to bits! |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : The author I haven't read yet but have always wanted to read is... Anne Brontë I have read Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë and Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë but have yet to read anything by their younger sister, Anne, so I'm going with her in answer to this prompt. I think I first read Wuthering Heights when I was about fifteen and I absolutely loved it -- it's a great story, beautifully written and so atmospheric. I have read it several times since then. Then either last year or the year before I read Jane Eyre. I liked it a lot but it doesn't compare to Emily Brontë's masterpiece, in my opinion. I felt the last part of the novel let it down, but I enjoyed it immensely up until that point. If Anne Brontë was as talented a writer as her sisters then I think I will enjoy her two novels a lot! I own a copy of The Tenant of Wildfell Hall so I suppose I'll start with that one, even though it was her second novel. According to Wikipedia it was 'probably the most shocking of the Brontës' novels.' Interesting! I look forward to reading it. I'm intrigued that it is written as a letter and the plot sounds good. I think the theme of alcoholism could be pretty intense though. I think Agnes Grey also sounds interesting, especially as one of its themes seems to be about the treatment of animals. It would seem that Anne Brontë examined the view that how a person treats animals is telling of their character. This is something I believe in and I am very passionate about animal welfare, so I feel somewhat of a connection with this writer. I am a little nervous that I might read something upsetting though -- I hate to read about animal cruelty. I'm not sure when I'll get round to reading something by Anne Brontë to be honest as I have such a long to-read list, but hopefully it will be this year or early next year. I have to be in the mood to read the English classics! I think once I have read something by each sister (or maybe when I have read all their works) then I will make an effort to visit the Brontë Parsonage Museum. That shouldn't be too hard seeing as it's only in West Yorkshire and I have family living nearby! ~ ~Non-prompt entry: Mark has been visiting but went home today. I'm feeling worried about my sudden lack of support. As well as Mark going, my GP is going to be away for three weeks, I don't have a therapy appointment for two weeks and I'm not seeing my care coordinator until the end of the month. I can call my care coordinator if I need to but I hate doing that as he is often so impatient and mean on the phone. I know I shouldn't be so dependent on people, but I am. As my mental health has deteriorated over the years I have leaned on others more and more. I hate that. My appointment with my GP went well though I was only able to tell him about how dry my eyes are and not the pain I have been getting in one of them. I don't know why I couldn't say it really. He did examine my eyes though so I suppose he would have noticed if there was something truly sinister going on. To be on the safe side I have made an appointment for a contact lens check for tomorrow. This is carried out by an optometrist and they are pretty thorough and have specialist equipment too. I'll feel better once I've had someone check my eye properly. Though I hate getting that pressure test thing! *shudder* In other news... I have been working on my Top Secret Project, which has been hard, nerve-racking work but exciting too. I'm hoping I'll be able to reveal it soon! I just don't want to say what it is until I'm sure it's going ahead as I am wary of getting my hopes up and also just very nervous about doing something that could impact on my life to such an extent. I didn't go to the RDA today as I needed to drive Mark to the station but I'm definitely going next week. I've also gotten a few dates for sessions for my other voluntary job but I'm reluctant to commit to them because they are five hour sessions rather than three hour ones. I don't know if I'm up for that at the moment. Hopefully they'll do some shorter sessions soon so I can ease back into it -- I am feeling so nervous about it after such a big gap.Urgh. Sorry if this is all really boring and rambly! I wish I had something more exciting to say! Edit to add: I can't believe I forgot to blog about this earlier but I got such an awesome merit badge today. Look! ![Merit Badge in Secret Admirer
[Click For More Info]
Jess, here's a secret admirer badge from me, your not so secret admirer. I enjoy both your blog and your poetry and so how could I not be taken by such a talented writer? I mean really!
Seriously, keep on writing. You are the goods. Never forget it.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Secret_Admirer.gif) I adore that badge but I love the message on it even more. Thanks again, Jakrebs. |
| Prompt from "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" : My favorite Writing.Com author is... I'm a fan of 72 authors on writing.com (though admittedly I know some of them more in a "social" sense than through their writing) but of course I have to go with Mark and not just because he's my partner of six years, but because he is genuinely talented and a fantastic writer. Plus, I loved his writing before I even loved him so nobody can accuse me of being biased! The first item of Mark's that I ever reviewed was his poem, "Invalid Item" . I reviewed this back in 2008, when I hadn't even been a member for three months and nobody online knew me as "Jess" because I was way too shy to share my real name! I was really drawn to this particular poem because I felt I could relate to it a lot -- I have a lot of memories that I would like to be rid of because they cause me pain and I have wasted a lot of time and energy trying to bury them deep in my mind. However, Mark's poem ends on a truly important point that I happen to agree with -- our past experiences make us who we are and how can we learn from the past if we remove our memory of it? I felt (and still feel) that this poem has a very strong message and I didn't hesitate to give it 5 stars.The funny thing is, Mark didn't respond to my review (and still hasn't! ) and for some time after that I considered him rude and unfriendly! Honestly, I would literally scowl and roll my eyes whenever I came across his username on the site! I wasn't to know that around three months later he would send me one of the nicest, most supportive reviews of a very personal poem I have ever received. From there we got talking... a lot... and our friendship grew rapidly. Mark isn't rude or unfriendly at all, just extremely disorganised and terrible at responding to reviews! Two months after meeting online, we met in person and one month after that we decided to become a couple. We're still together six years on.Since reading and reviewing "Invalid Item" I have read everything in Mark's port and also some things that he hasn't shared online and I have to say, I love his writing. Some other poems of his that I think are fantastic are: "Invalid Item" , "Invalid Item" , "Invalid Item" , "Invalid Item" and "Silent Kisses, Shouted Whispers" . I would seriously recommend checking out all of these! Then in 2010 he wrote this, "Invalid Item" , a poem about and for me. It is an incredibly beautiful poem and I especially love this part, that cleverly plays on my writing.com handle:The talents you don’t quite believe in are ghosts spooking horses on the ranch of your soul. How awesome is that?! I am so unbelievably touched by this poem and I will treasure it always. But Mark isn't just a wonderful poet, he is also an amazing short story writer. I am not overly keen on short stories, to be honest, but I was absolutely blown away by "Invalid Item" , which is beautifully written and strikingly original. Mark handles a potentially upsetting subject with sensitivity and skill and has created an incredible piece here that has one of the best twists I have ever read. Definitely check this out when you get the chance!I could say much more on how much I love Mark's writing but hey, I don't want him strutting around the place with an inflated ego!  Haha, just kidding. I'm sure that wouldn't happen. Mark is currently working on finishing his first novel, which he is hoping will be complete by his birthday at the end of November. I've read early drafts of some of the first chapters and enjoyed them. I am looking forward to reading the whole thing. I am excited about what the future holds for Mark. He has the talent to become a successful, published writer, I think. And I have the organisation skills and willingness to crack the whip to ensure he works hard and makes it happen! |
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