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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I have been so excessively anxious recently for a host of reasons I can't be bothered to go into that I forgot to mention my first session back at the RDA. Although I find it hard to go there and there are things about it that I do not enjoy and find stressful, each session tends to have a positive moment that makes an impression on me in some way. So last week I went along and was asked to tack up Buster. I get nervous about tacking up after a long gap in case I've forgotten how to do it! I put Buster's head collar on and then got his bridle. Part of it was undone so I had to spend some time fixing it back together and making sure I'd done that correctly! Then L----- came over and asked if she could help tack up as she really wants to learn to do it by herself. I let her do it and just supervised -- I hadn't forgotten anything! I was asked to lead Buster in the lesson and he is as sweet as ever -- he's so old now and slow as a snail but he's also gentle, dependable and mild-mannered. We had a new class of children. The child riding Buster is considered "low-ability", which seems like a horrible term to use really. She could speak a bit but not coherently. I understood the odd word but most of the time I didn't know what she was saying -- I suppose my communication difficulties are negligible in comparison to hers. I can't imagine what it must be like to be misunderstood all the time and to be unable to express yourself in any way beyond showing your emotion. Anyway, this child! I don't know how old she is but she is adorable -- so teeny-tiny with glasses too big for her face! She was clearly nervous at first and gripped the saddle tight, ignoring the reins. She had two side-walkers and they kept encouraging her to hold the reins and she would do it for a short while before dropping them. When we did a steering exercise, moving in and out of a line of poles, she couldn't use the reins to guide Buster and so the side-walkers just touched the hand she was supposed to be using for steering so she could get an idea of how to do it. However, and this was the positive moment for me, this child who is considered low ability and didn't seem able to follow instructions, successfully learned, by the end of the lesson, how to halt the horse using the reins. And that's amazing to me! So what if she couldn't steer? So what if she couldn't hold the reins correctly? She achieved something in that lesson and learned how to do something despite the obstacles she has to face. And we gave her that! That's why I continue to go to the RDA -- for moments like that, that may seem small but are actually huge. Although I can't go to the RDA this Tuesday I will be going the week after and I am excited to see how this girl progresses. I think she is going to do really well. And I think she enjoyed her first lesson and got a lot out of it. She was so funny when she dismounted! For a moment she was stunned, because although Buster isn't especially big, it's quite a big drop for such a tiny person, but then when she'd steadied herself she started giggling -- so cute! I think I already love this child! I was sad that my "favourite" from the last group, G-----, isn't coming any more but it's nice to meet new children and help them. I think when I do quit the RDA (because I will have to eventually if I get back into paid work) I will actually be kind of sad! Yeah, I won't miss Murphy trying to bite me or having to do the majority of the tidying up because everyone else is too lazy to do it, but I will miss the moments that make me feel I am helping people and improving their life in some small way. I should read back over this entry whenever I am dreading going to the RDA or feeling stressed about it... or whenever I have a bad session there, which happens a lot! It is hard work and not always fun, often adding to my anxiety, but it's worth it. I am grateful for the opportunity to do it. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Everyone has practical tips they feel make it easier to write, let's compare notes. Maybe we can help each other be more efficient. What rituals do you have that keep you focused and on track with your writing? (If you are tagged in this entry and don't want to read the whole thing to find your name, please skip to the last paragraph of my "prompt entry".  )For anyone who writes poetry I would recommend using what I have termed the "Blah System", which is a particularly good technique for form poetry, but can work for free verse too. I don't know if anyone else does this but I pretty much always do it, unless a poem comes very quickly to me. What I do is use the word "blah" to make up syllables if I can't think of the right word immediately. So as an example, the first draft of my poem, "Invalid Item" , looked like this:Number one turned to two in the line Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah rhyme. Did you hear, up ahead, a poor number is dead as it seems that seven ate nine! Then with some work this became: Number one said to two in the line, “Here’s some news from a buddy of mine: It seems, up ahead, That a number is dead As apparently seven ate nine!” Thank goodness I came up with a proper second line! And I tweaked the last three lines too and voila! I had a poem! The "Blah System" is a good one as it allows me to leave tricky areas that are stressing me out so I can work on other parts for a bit. And it allows me to read through what I have so far with the correct rhythm, even if I don't yet have the correct words. I swear by this method, honestly! So that is my number one tip for poets! Apart from that I don't really have any rituals etc. I am very much guided by how I feel in the moment. I'm not a particularly spiritual person but I can feel quite spiritual when I am writing poetry. I often get into the zone and I love that feeling! And while on the subject of writing, I want to talk about reviewing… because in the last five days I have done four reviews, my first since June, and I am so happy about them! I have finally, finally found a review template that doesn't impede my review style. I was always resistant to using a template because I love to write my reviews in pretty much a stream of consciousness fashion, but I also love how some reviews look with a template (just look at reviews by Mandy, PatrickB, Amalie Cantor - We Got This! and ~A.J. Lyle~ ). I have been experimenting for a while now on how to write a review in a way I feel comfortable, while also making it look nice and neat and organised! I have kind of modelled them on the reviews of the people I have mentioned, while also staying true to my own style. And I am pretty pleased with the end result. But of course I will always work on my reviews and think about ways to improve them.  Non-prompt entry: I had an MRI scan a short while ago and discovered that although I have made progress when it comes to my claustrophobia (as I can now go in lifts and have even been in one alone on one occasion) I am still very claustrophobic. I had to lie down on a narrow bed and they placed a table-type contraption other my pelvic area. Then I had to put earplugs in and they asked if I wanted to listen to music too. As the scan was going to take around 30 minutes I thought listening to music would help that go quicker, so I said yes and they put these big, clunky earphones on me. Then they put another table-type contraption over my chest and asked me to put my arms beneath it. I was already feeling a little uncomfortable at this point but then they moved me into the scanner, which is basically like a tunnel, and I freaked out!  I felt like I couldn't breathe and I kept repeating "I can't. I can't." I seriously couldn't!So they had to bring me back out. I was all for giving up (as I was still in a panic) but they said they could take the thing off my chest, freeing my arms. They also adjusted my pillow so my head position was flatter and tilted back a bit so I could see out of the head of the tunnel slightly. I also opted not to listen to music at this point because I wanted those damn headphones off -- I think I was just feeling way too restricted by everything. One of the radiographers also said she could stay with me for a bit. So with all those modifications in place I was able to give it another go. And I survived! It wasn't pleasant -- it was noisy, boring, uncomfortable -- but I got through it. I was very tense the whole time but whenever I started to get panicked I just shifted my gaze so I could see the ceiling of the room (rather than the ceiling of the scanner) and that calmed me down a bit. But that wasn't a fun experience! I hope it hasn't set me back when it comes to the claustrophobia.  At least I stuck it out, rather than giving into my fear. I won't be getting another one in a hurry though! |
| Disclaimer: this isn't aimed at anyone in particular. Where I use the word "you" I am not referring to you the reader! This is just aimed at anyone who holds an ignorant, uninformed view on certain things that I want to discuss in this entry. I am also talking about how attitudes are in the UK (I don't know what things are like in other places). I am absolutely sick and tired of the attitude to unemployed people and those claiming benefits (welfare). Contrary to popular belief, only a small percentage of benefit claimants are fraudulent -- only a small percentage are actually lazy scroungers, despite what the media tells you (check the statistics). The majority are decent, honest people who are either desperately trying to find work that just isn't available or are desperately battling ill health and trying to get fit enough so that they can work. And the majority of people who receive benefits are actually in work but on such a low wage that they can't make ends meet without extra support. Yes, people on benefits get (some) free dental care, free eye care and free prescriptions but do you know why that is? Because they probably couldn't afford these things otherwise. I feel proud to live in a country where it is recognised that everyone deserves to be healthy and not just those who can afford it. So I really think people should get their FACTS straight before they comment on this subject. I've had enough of the ignorant, flippant, damaging comments from people who clearly do not know what they are talking about. I am not working because of my poor mental health and I am made to feel ashamed of that every single day even though I am doing everything humanly possible to get to where I can hold down a job. In fact, sometimes I have pushed myself so hard to achieve this that I have inadvertently had the opposite effect and set myself back. I tried to commit suicide in March because I did not get accepted onto a job scheme that I thought was going to change my life and enable me to work. I was so devastated that after all my efforts to turn things around for myself, where I gave every last bit of energy I had to give, that I wanted to die when I found out I was unsuccessful. So don't tell me I'm a lazy scrounger. I may not be contributing to society through paying taxes (at the moment) but I am contributing in other ways. I am doing voluntary work and making a difference to people's lives (even if it is only in a small way). I feel grateful to live in a country that supports disadvantaged, vulnerable people who cannot work (even if they are made to feel like social pariahs on top of all the other crap they have to deal with) and when I do eventually manage to get work, I will will be more than happy that some of my taxes will go towards supporting people who really need it. I will never, ever look down my nose at the unemployed. I know how totally soul-destroying it is to be in that position. And now, for an example of what people like me have to deal with, read on... due to being unemployed I have to attend a work programme and this is an example of how they are helping people like me back into work:  I did get to speak to my work programme advisor about that ridiculous letter but he really wasn't helpful. When I asked what the course is he just said, "it's a course to help people on their journey to find work." Um... thanks! And when I asked what the assessment involves he told me there is a 12 question questionnaire and if I "pass" that I do a longer questionnaire. Again... thanks... not. So I still have no idea what it's all about. I asked him if I have to do it and he said yes. That really pisses me off because it says in the letter, "we would like to invite you to attend an assessment". An invitation implies that I can decline if I wish, but not in this case. What also pisses me off is that he put the wrong house number on the letter. Luckily my postman realised and delivered the letter to my house, but if he hadn't spotted it, I wouldn't have received the letter and wouldn't have known that I am required to attend the assessment. I asked my advisor to check he had my correct address and he does, he just mistyped it, and freely admitted that. So that's just great, isn't it?! The person who occasionally sends me letters about things I am required to attend (otherwise they'll cut/stop my money) cannot type or check house numbers properly. I'm wondering if this is what happened in August, when I apparently missed an appointment -- did the appointment letter get posted to the wrong house? I feel so horribly anxious about all of this. I am worried to attend an assessment for a course when I don't really understand what either involve. And I am worried that important letters are going to go astray. These people can stop my money. But how can I attend compulsory appointments if I don't get notified about them? I attend all my appointments when I know about them. Nobody is more dedicated to getting me ready and able to work than me. So there you go... the people who are supposed to be helping me into work are actually impeding me by making my anxiety worse. *Sarcasm alert* I love our welfare system!  |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Who was your favorite first lady? First lady, huh? First lady where? Or to what? First lady in line? What line! First lady to fly an aeroplane? To sail around the world? To walk on the moon? There are an awful lot of possible first ladies. But I'm guessing this prompt is referring to the First Lady of America, meaning the president’s wife? In that case, I don’t really know! I know next to nothing about all of them. But for the sake of answering I will go with Michelle Obama as she seems like a pretty cool person. You know, I am so jealous that you guys in America have Barack Obama as your president! We've got David Cameron (  ) over here. Want to swap? I feel that David Cameron has done a lot of damage to my country in his time as Prime Minister through his demonisation of the unemployed among other things. I seriously, seriously hope the Conservatives do not win the next election. Though I do have to concede that Cameron has one good point – his liberal stance on same-sex marriage.Speaking of politics (and this isn't a subject I am knowledgeable on or comfortable with!), today in Scotland people are voting on whether the country should stay part of the UK or whether it should become independent. I do not know all of the ins and outs of this issue but I very much want Scotland to remain part of the UK. I'm all for togetherness and unity etc -- I don't want my nation to be split up. Plus, we need Scotland to help us get rid of David Cameron in the next election! Non-prompt entry: My dental appointment went okay -- I think I like the new practice more than my old one and I can get to it in under ten minutes, whereas the other one is a 20-30 minute drive away. So that is a big plus! The dentist I saw is very young, as is my previous dentist. I find this a bit off-putting and would prefer to see someone who has more experience. But I don't know -- maybe it's a good thing! I suppose younger dentists are more likely to have just recently come through training so perhaps their knowledge is fresher. Plus, a newer dentist is probably more anxious about making mistakes and might be more cautious and thorough for that reason. I suppose there are pros and cons to seeing a new vs. experienced dentist. And I suppose the key is just trying out different people and finding a dentist I feel comfortable with. I have been referred to a specialist so I am glad they are taking action and not just making me wait around in pain! I'm still ill! I felt a little bad seeing the dentist when I have a cold, but they do wear masks and gloves and I am in pain so really did need to go. That wasn't a fun experience though! I really need to switch off from dental crap now though! My anxiety over all this has been so high for the last few days that I am beyond exhausted by it. I got the most ridiculous letter from my work programme adviser earlier, which basically says, "you're invited to an assessment for a course. If you pass you can attend the course". But... it doesn't say what the course is or what the assessment involves! So stupid! I'll be calling him tomorrow to get more details. But what a letter to send, especially to someone with anxiety issues! I am so sick of the work programme. I want to be fit and able to work more than anything on the planet and the work programme are supposed to be helping me with that... but I think I just have to accept that they are useless. I am doing a much better job of getting myself ready for work -- and I refuse to go on any courses if they clash with my voluntary work or therapy! Those things are much more valuable to me than some stupid course run by the stupid work programme. .Grrrrrrrrr.  |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Would you rather be on Gilligan's Island or Survivor? Um... neither! I haven't seen either show. I didn't even know they were shows until I googled them. Neither of them look like something I would be interested in even watching, not to mention taking part in! I'm not a big TV watcher, to be honest. My sister watches it every day but I tend to only watch it on Saturday and maybe one evening during the week. I put it on when I'm eating meals if other people are around for the reason I explained in this blog entry, "Invalid Entry" , but that doesn't really count as I rarely watch it properly on those occasions. I watch more movies than TV shows. So sorry I can't say more on this prompt. Perhaps I should have left it today! Non-prompt entry: I'm ill! I thought my allergies were worsening earlier but now I think I have a cold. Not fair! I've had bad allergies since May, maybe even earlier, and now I have a cold on top of that! I feel miserable. Nobody answered my dental questions yesterday.  But never mind! I was going to use any answers to help me make a decision on whether to see a dentist privately or on the NHS but in the end I have decided to try a different NHS dentist to my regular one, who I really dislike. If that doesn't work out then I'll probably go private. I wish, wish, wish I could afford to access private dental care without having to worry about it. Seriously can't wait until I'm working. I've sent off my application for the job scheme I've mentioned but haven't heard anything yet. I think I will call tomorrow to make sure they got my email as I know they've had trouble with their email system. I just don't want them to think I'm harassing them. Anyway, I have an appointment with the new dentist tomorrow and I seriously hope it works out! I just really, really need to have a nice, competent dentist for once who is sensitive to my ridiculous anxieties and able to identify the cause of my teeth pain! Fingers crossed. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : If you could invent anything new, what would it be? I have an idea for a real invention. I'm not going to share it though because it’s pretty boring to be honest and also… well… I don’t want anyone to steal my idea now, do I?!  It's a very simple thing though and a practical thing. It wouldn't be a big seller or change the world or anything but it's still a pretty good idea! You know what I wish was a real, possible invention though? The pensieve from Harry Potter. This belongs to the character Professor Dumbledore and he uses it to put his thoughts in so that he can examine them from a different perspective and perhaps more objectively too. I love that idea and I could really use one of those! My thoughts are almost constantly racing and it would be great to be able to pluck a few out, drop them in a pensieve and get a break from them for a while. I really love the idea of the pensieve (and the name is so clever, being a combination of the words "pensive" and "sieve"). I wish I had come up with that idea! JK Rowling is so clever. Otherwise I'm not really sure what to say for this prompt, so I think I'll keep this short and sweet. Non-prompt entry: Things are pretty good on WDC at the moment. I have been writing, writing, writing! I don't know if I plugged all of my latest poems, but here's one I wrote last night:
This is my first foray into Steampunk and I have to say, I truly enjoyed writing in this genre. I had a blast writing the poem and it came to me so quickly. I think I'd posted it within two hours of getting the initial idea. But despite how quickly I got it ready, it has had a lot of editing and I worked hard at it. I am actually feeling pretty proud of this one.  Also, I placed third in two different contests recently and am feeling proud about that too. So now two of my poems have beautiful ribbons. I'll never tire of seeing awardicons on my poems! 
And... today I reviewed! For the first time since JUNE!  I reviewed two poems and I was fine. Nothing horrible happened. In fact, something pretty good happened because I got a lovely merit badge for it. I've had a few merit badges recently that I am very thankful for:![Merit Badge in Guide
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Jess, I have always had the utmost respect for you as a poet and friend, but this badge is given for the wonderful guidance you deliver to those who receive your reviews. Your knowledge and love of poetry translates in gentle and constructive advice, and you should be very proud of your unique abilities. Thank you for sharing your talent in all ways. *^*Smile*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Guide.gif) ![Merit Badge in Dark Dreamscapes
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Congratulations on winning Third Place in August Round 5 of [Link To Item #darkpoetry] ! ~Darleen*^*Moon*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/group-Dark_Dreamscapes-1982963_14.gif) ![Merit Badge in Muse Masters
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This badge is given in recognition of your efforts for Muse Masters Campfire Creative. You have successfully completed (12) wonderful poems, and I appreciate your determination and commitment to quality. Thank you for your participation, and I hope to see many more of your creations in coming rounds! *^*Angel*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/group-Muse_Masters-1963909_14.gif) ![Merit Badge in Problem Solving
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Thanks for helping me name [Link To Item #2002070] !
~Darleen*^*Moon*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Problem_Solving-210.gif) ![Merit Badge in Symposium
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[Link To User shelleya] has purchased this gift for you from [Link To Item #1982536] with the following personal toast: "To Jess. Here's to you. May the writing you so diligently work hard at be the play that you love to do every day. Cheers!"](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/group-Symposium-1957399_14.gif) Yay!  Please don't think I'm bragging! I am just excited, grateful and proud to receive these gifts and want to share them. And it's nice to be positive in my blog for a change! |
| I spent Tuesday to Friday at Mark's in Cardiff for a much needed break. I just really needed to escape for a bit and recharge my batteries, I suppose. I haven't had any time away from home since February, where I spent Valentine's day in Cardiff and I haven't been away properly since I went to Amsterdam last October. Can't believe that's almost a year ago now -- so crazy! Things just really started to get on top of me a bit so I'm glad I went. Mark and I just spent most of the time in, talking, and listening to music -- just chilling out basically. I ate a lot and slept a lot. The amount I was eating didn't bother me too much at the time but is worrying me a bit now. I think I needed to eat more for a while though and I definitely needed the extra sleep! I have been pushing myself way too hard. I always push myself way too hard. Next week is going to be pretty busy. On Monday I have my third eating disorder therapy session and I'm not looking forward to it as I am already finding it extremely tough and draining. I haven't done my therapy homework yet so need to do that tomorrow! I also need to finish my application form for the support worker job scheme I blogged about before. I plan on submitting that tomorrow so they receive it on Monday. I really want to get the ball rolling with this! I hope I get accepted onto the scheme because I think this is just what I need to get back into work. On Tuesday I am starting back at the RDA and I am not looking forward to that either! If I get accepted onto the job scheme then I am definitely quitting the RDA! I think one (part-time) paid job and one (part-time) voluntary job is enough and I choose the environmental education voluntary job over the RDA because it is more useful to me and makes me slightly less anxious. On Wednesday I am seeing my care coordinator and I have to say I am not looking forward to that either!  I feel that this guy doesn't really like me much, which isn't a nice way to feel. He is better than my last care coordinator though! She not only didn't like me, but was crap at her job too. At least F------ is good at his job!I don't have anything on Thursday or Friday yet but may be seeing my GP. I called him on Monday after my hellish hospital appointment and he was wonderful -- very caring, supportive and reassuring. He also told me to call him again in a week to 10 days to arrange seeing him. He sometimes allows me to make appointments direct, bypassing the appointment system, so that he can fit me in after morning or evening surgery to give me more time. How awesome is that? He often goes above and the beyond the call of duty for me and I can't even describe how much I appreciate it. After dealing with so many professionals who just don't give a damn, it is nice to have someone who shows me genuine compassion and respect and always tries to help, even when they don't know the right things to do or say. I love my GP so much! And that isn't it! On Saturday I am getting an MRI scan and yep, you guessed it, I'm not looking forward to that either!!! Anyway, I really need to get back into the swing of things around here. I know I have been writing a lot of poetry and blog entries recently but I want to start reviewing again and being more active in the WDC community in general. I think I'll start small -- maybe by giving out some review credits, and work up to reviewing. I need to respond to some emails too. Sorry if you are waiting to hear from me. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Tell us about a time when you completely lost track of time. Does it happen often or hardly at all? I have a rather weird relationship with time in that I don't have a good sense of it and yet I am somehow rather awesome at managing it. What I mean by not having a good sense of it is that if someone asked me the time and I hadn't looked at my watch for ages, I wouldn't really have a clue what the time was! But I manage it really well in that I can generally figure out how much time I need to do certain things, and I can factor in more time for if things do not go according to plan. So as an example, if I have to go to an appointment I will make sure I leave with 10 minutes extra added to the expected journey time for short distances and about 20 or so for longer distances. Yeah, I often end up getting to places early but sometimes the extra minutes come in handy if there is a road closure or I get stuck behind a tractor or something. Most of the time I aim to get to appointments 5 minutes early and most of the time I achieve that, even if it means waiting in my car for a few minutes! I would much rather be early than late. I don't cope too well with being late -- that stresses me out. I was about 10 minutes late to an appointment recently because I got lost and still hadn't found the place after my "safety net" time ran out! I felt really awful about that and was very apologetic. But something that stresses me out even more than that is missing appointments! That has only happened to me twice in my life, that I can remember, though I think one of them wasn't my fault. The first one was a few years ago when I was supposed to be meeting my work advisor at the volunteer centre and I somehow overslept, even though I had set 3 alarms! I think I must have turned them all off in my sleep or something.  I don't really know what happened there but I practically had a mental breakdown over it! The second time was this year when I thought I was supposed to be meeting my care coordinator at 2pm and he thought it was 12pm. I took responsibility for that error and apologised (a lot) but with hindsight I think it was his error because I just don't make mistakes like that. I hope that doesn't make me sound arrogant! It's just that it's true. I am super organised with stuff like that. If I make an appointment I write it on my calendar as soon as I get home and I check my calendar every night.I can't really think of any instances where I have lost track of time to be honest. I was going to say with reading, writing and possibly blogging but I'm not sure. If I'm doing any of those things and I have to go out in, say, 30 minutes for example, I would be ready to leave in 30 minutes. I suppose I only lose track of time in the evening when I don't have to do anything and I can just get lost in a good book or caught up with stuff online without having to worry that I'm forgetting something. But I can't really think of specific examples! Non-prompt entry: I have had the day from hell, honestly. I had a tough eating disorder therapy appointment though I managed to talk quite a lot because I'd written stuff down in preparation. Yeah, I'm definitely going to keep doing that as it makes it much easier for me. It was a horribly draining session though. Then I had a medical appointment for a physical problem that has been dragging on for a year now and it was hugely stressful. They have always been stressful for several reasons but today was particularly bad because the doctor basically insinuated that the problem is in my head and he made me feel crazy. I had a breakdown and that made me look crazy. I just stood there crying in the corridor... it was pathetic. A lovely nurse came and tried to help me but I couldn't stop crying. I haven't cried that much in front of a person other than Mark for a long, long time. She hugged me and I was too upset to even care. I didn't even mind that much! She steered me into an empty room and got me some tissues and then the nurse who had chaperoned my appointment came to help too. I really appreciate how nice they were but I was too distraught to thank them properly unfortunately. I am so worn out by this problem and the anxiety-provoking appointments and the examinations that cause traumatic flashbacks. Even though I realise the doctor wasn't saying I am making stuff up, it still felt like that. It feels like what I am going through is being minimised and dismissed even though I am experiencing genuine symptoms that are causing me genuine distress. It has taken me a huge amount of courage and energy to continue pursuing help for this particular problem and right now I am feeling that it has all been for nothing... except to be made to feel hurt, insulted and crazy. Anyway, I think I am going to Mark's tomorrow for a much-needed break. I haven't been to stay with Mark in Cardiff for a long time (he has been coming to mine each month for a reason I can't be bothered to go in to) so it will make a nice change. I definitely need to get away from here for a bit even though I feel anxious about being apart from Jade. My family will look after her but I am the main person who cares for her so it is hard for me to let go of my responsibility! |
| The three women who live next door to you remind you of the three witches in Macbeth. Why? Nope, can't do it! My neighbours are mostly delightful people so I cannot imagine them as the three witches from Macbeth. I am lucky to live in a detached house so I don't often hear my neighbours, unless they are being particularly loud, which is rare. On the left side, as you face my house, lives a nice family. The guy works with the National Rail service I believe and the woman is training to be a nurse. They have two sons. Their eldest, who was about seven when they moved in, is now practically a man, aged seventeen or eighteen. He just seemed to go from kid to adult in about the space of a day... but I guess that's because I don't see him all that often! Their youngest is about twelve or thirteen and he seems to be a nice kid. I am not friends with these people but we do say hello when we see each other and take packages in for each other and stuff.The other side is more complicated and I'm not clear on who lives there! At first it was just one lady by herself and she was very quiet and sweet and pretty shy, I think. Now I think her grown-up son lives with her, and possibly his girlfriend too. The son gets a lot of packages. A lot. And I know that because he often isn't in so the postman asks me to take them in. I thought the son was nice as he is always very polite when collecting his packages but now I'm starting to think he might be a bit of an arsehole. The other day I heard him in a rage, shouting and smashing things up. I don't know what he was saying because they speak another language, but he sounded very aggressive. I was worried for his mum and girlfriend but thankfully I saw the girlfriend later and she looked unhurt. My dad used to do that -- fly into a rage and smash things up and it was terrifying, so I really feel for them for having to go through that. I hope it was a one off and that he won't ever get more violent.  As for Macbeth though, I love that play! We studied it at school and I thought it was great. I also went to see a modernised theatre production of it with my mum that starred Sean Bean as Macbeth. It was really good. Non-prompt entry: I am stressed tonight for a whole host of reasons and I can't be bothered to go into all of them. But I have waaaaaay overeaten today (what I would consider binging, I suppose) and I don't even know why because I actually haven't been restricting that much recently. I've been so active over the last few days because I got some new furniture for my room that I needed to fit together -- yep,that's two bookcases and a desk that I have put together all by myself over the last few days -- I'm pretty handy with a screwdriver and hammer! In fact, I put together most of the furniture in my room (sometimes with help but mostly by myself) except for the wardrobe -- I left that for the professionals because I'm just not tall or strong enough to construct a wardrobe! But anyway, there is a point to all this... because I have been so active I have needed to eat a lot more than normal but my weight has actually been dropping. I haven't been feeling hungry though... until today. Tomorrow I am going on a freshwater invertebrate course and I'm actually dreading it. My anxiety is so high at the moment, it's ridiculous. I'd forgotten about this course until I got an email about it yesterday and now I wish I'd never signed up for it. It's going to last four hours and I just know I'm going to be tired, cold and stressed. But I also know it will be interesting and helpful and that I'll feel much more confident about helping out with pond-dipping lessons once I'm a bit more knowledgeable about the critters lurking in our ponds and lakes. But I am soooooo terrible at invertebrate identification. I really struggled with that when getting my degree. Urgh... I wish I wasn't going but I will force myself because I know it will be good for me. Oh well... |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Who was your favorite cartoon character? I've never been overly into cartoons to be honest, but I did used to enjoy the show Doug. I liked how the character Doug Funnie is just an average kid really, trying to get through situations that are common for a kid his age. I haven't seen that show for years and I really feel like watching it now! I remember one episode where a letter from Doug's school arrives at his house addressed to his parents and he's worried there's something bad written in it. He wants to read it without his parents finding out he opened it and tries various methods, such as steaming it. That was a good episode! I also really loved his relationship with his sister, Judy. I felt that was quite realistic but comical too. Aw, I really need to watch this now! I wonder if it's available online somewhere... Now I think my absolute favourite cartoon character though is Tulio from the movie, The Road to Eldorado. I love his attitude and I love that's he a little edgier and more complex than the type of character you normally find in kids' films. I love that movie so much and watch it often. Yeah, I'm a big kid at heart! I think it's a very underrated film though. I love the humour of it -- it's a little bit offbeat, which appeals to me. I feel like I could say more on this topic but I'm too tired right now. I'm struggling to think of cartoon characters. My exhaustion is crazy at the moment as I have been so busy. I wanted to take part in the online birthday celebrations, and got off to a good start, taking part in a couple of poetry challenges, but now I have kind of dropped the ball and that makes me sad. Sorry. Non-prompt entry: You know you have an eating disorder when... ...you are not heavy enough to lower your office chair. Yep, I bought a new adjustable office chair. The height can be changed by pulling a lever, then to make it higher, you take your weight off the chair, and to make it lower, you sit and put weight on it. I thought it was faulty because I couldn't get it to go down. I even tried leaning all of my weight on it to get it to go down but it wouldn't. In the end I asked my mum to take a look at it and thought I'd return it to the shop if she couldn't fix it. But she tried it out and it worked immediately. I thought maybe it had just been a bit stiff but I had another go and still couldn't move it. My mum and sister thought it was hilarious (they do not know about my eating problems -- I have always been small so my weight loss hasn't been all that noticeable). I can see the funny side but it's kind of sad too, especially as I still can't actually see that I'm too thin. That really is the strangest thing about this whole issue. Right now I feel very freaked out about weight gain and I just can't see that it's going to happen, but then I have only had one therapy session! Perhaps somewhere down the line things will change. I've had a frustrating day. Somehow my work programme adviser managed to book me in for an appointment with him for when he wasn't going to be available. That guy is just ridiculously inept. So they arranged for me to see someone else instead and she looked on my file and said, "what happened on August 5th?" and I was like... Apparently I missed an appointment... except I don't miss appointments. I did not get notified about that appointment otherwise I would have attended it. The work programme is compulsory and there could be serious consequences for non-attendance. Thankfully the woman believed that I hadn't received a letter about it. I think maybe my ridiculously inept adviser has something to do with that error as well. This afternoon I had an appointment with my GP and there were some things I really wanted to discuss with him but I just couldn't seem to get the words out. So now I'm stressed. I'm also worried I left a bad impression about something -- I can't be bothered to go into details but I'm anxious that I annoyed the doctor. But apart from those things it was a helpful appointment. I told him my anxiety is high and he went through a breathing technique with me that should help to reduce it a bit so I'll give that a try. He also prescribed me my new medication dose -- I'm now taking 450mg of moclobemide -- 300mg in the morning and then 150mg in the evening. I hope it helps. This is definitely the best medication I have ever tried in that it actually does something. Not much, but I definitely feel that it has helped with my motivation. Maybe a higher dose will work even better. Fingers crossed. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Even though we all love our houses, is there a house on TV or the movies you would like to live in? Well, it has to be Bag End, Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, The shire, home of Bilbo Baggins the hobbit in The Lord of the Rings! I think Peter Jackson and his team did such an amazing job creating that -- the details are exquisite. I especially love the front garden. I can definitely see myself living in a hobbit hole! I think I am small enough, though at 5 feet I am probably pretty tall from a hobbit's perspective. It would be nice to be the tall one for once! Other than Bag End, my dream house would be either an old, wood-beam cottage or perhaps a tall canal house, like they have in Amsterdam. I would love to live in a house that has character and a history. While my immediate goals are to get a job and to carry out my Top Secret Project, my ultimate goal and want is to own my own house. To me that would be the epitome of normality and security and that's pretty much all I want from life. I think it would be wonderful to go to New Zealand and visit the movie set of The Lord of the Rings but I don't think that's going to happen... at least not anytime soon! Non-prompt entry: Oh my goodness, my day! I am EXHAUSTED! I met my new psychiatrist and he was weird... kind of nice but pretty intense. I found the appointment hard work as he wanted me to go back over my history when I didn't want to. I'm not going to discuss the root of my mental health problems with a guy I've just met. Plus, if he really wants to know about me he can just read the copious notes that have been written about me over the years. My history must be on file so why do I have to go over and over and over all that crap again and again and again? He also said that talking about the issues from my past will help me get better but I disagree. That hasn't helped me before and I actually think that type of therapy encourages rumination, which just exacerbates depression. He was also pretty insistent that I must have suffered some form of abuse at some point... I feel that saying that could really mess a person up. My Dad's behaviour when he lived at home could be considered abuse but it was never directed at me. I was a bystander, I suppose. And although what happened to me at the hospital has affected me in the same way sexual abuse probably affects a person, I do not consider it sexual abuse. Telling someone they have probably experienced abuse when they believe they haven't could be really harmful. I feel he was pretty irresponsible to keep pressing me about it like he did. This afternoon I took a 30 minute drive to speak to a woman who runs a scheme training people who have experienced mental health issues to be support workers. And it sounds amazing! They provide supported self-employment opportunities, comprehensive, accredited training, access to one-to-one mentoring, access to further education, guidance on self-development, access to work opportunities, networking opportunities and a supported "back to work" experience. It sounds too good to be true... there has to be be a snag. And there is! They don't run it in my area. I would have to travel and carry out the work in areas I don't know. That makes me anxious and is giving me pause for thought. If it was running in my town I'd apply in a heartbeat! Anyway, I'm going to discuss it with my work programme adviser tomorrow (though I doubt he'll be any help on the matter as he is pretty useless) and I will probably talk about it with my GP too. I think I should go for it though. The travelling will be a pain and probably costly but the potential benefits are huge... and I'll be working. Okay, so it's not my dream job and not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it is a stepping stone back into employment. Could I be a support worker? Should I apply? ARGH! |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Think back on the month of August 2014. Find a moment, one moment, that stands out in your memory - be it good, bad, or a little bit of both. Share it with us. August was a pretty bad month for me, to be honest. Yeah, there were some good moments but they kind of got eclipsed by my epic breakdown. I probably blogged about most stand-out events, good and bad, so I'm struggling a bit here... But here's a nice one! I finished writing a poem that I have been working on, on and off, for months. Do you ever get an awesome idea and then just kind of falter with it because you believe you won't be able to do it justice? That happens to me a lot. I feel like my ideas are better than my actual writing and my completed poems rarely match up with the awesome versions in my mind! Does that make sense?Anyway, I already plugged the poem here on Planet Me, but here it is again:
It may be a small piece but it took a lot of work! I just couldn't seem to make it come together. But then one night in August, out of nowhere, it all just finally fell into place. That part was easy! All it took was reading through what I already had, switching some of the lines around and adding the ending. As simple as that! I don't know why it didn't happen earlier... months ago. This poem means a lot to me. The message is very personal. I am pretty happy with it, to be honest and I think this is one of my better pieces. Non-prompt entry: I had my assessment for the support group for people with Asperger Syndrome/high-functioning autism today and it was rather bizarre! The guy conducting the assessment seemed a bit absent-minded and it took him ages to get round to telling me what the group is actually for. He asked me a lot of random questions and I ended up talking to him about my Harry Potter obsession! And I also told him that I can't cope losing at scrabble so don't really play it anymore. I think he found me amusing -- he laughed a lot. I found that disconcerting at first (as sometimes he laughed when I wasn't meaning to be funny) but then I just went with it! I don't think he was mocking me... I understand that my views on things can be quite strange and probably comical too.The group is for people on the autism spectrum to get together and meet with the guy who carried out my assessment (he is a psychotherapist) and also a psychologist (who specialises in autism) to share our difficulties when it comes to communication. I think this could actually be helpful to me as long as it is run in a way that enables me to talk (i.e. they make it very structured). The group will run for 8 weeks and so far they have invited me and two guys to it. I'm hoping this will be better for me than the social group for people with autism that I went to a few times. At best it will be helpful. At worst I should think it will be quite interesting! I'm willing to give it a go anyway. In other news, I am writing A LOT of poetry! I think this year has been my most productive year ever when it comes to writing. That's most;y down to the campfire I'm taking part in (and still loving!) But now I'm also taking part in a couple of the birthday activities. So here are my latest!
Not my best work, but not too bad either! I'll try to catch up with blogs soon. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : A life - Its the stuff that happens while you wait for moments that never come. Comment, expound, elaborate, reiterate or contemplate. If I had answered this prompt yesterday, my entry might have been positive. But my mood has crashed since then so here is the depressing version. I have no life. Or perhaps I do... perhaps it is just passing me by. Or maybe it is on hold. I'm not sure. But I frequently state that I am not living, just existing and that is true. I have been trying for years to change my life and I am exhausted by the whole process and lack of progress. I am very, very close to giving up. I wanted to kill myself last week, but I decided to put my plans on hold until October, to see if September would be a turning point for me. Maybe it will, I don't know. I started eating disorder therapy this morning and it was hard. I am getting Cognitive Analytic Therapy. I've never had this type of therapy before and I'm not too sure how it works at this stage. My first session involved talking about my life story. The therapist wanted me to talk about my life in stages, focusing firstly on 0-10 years, then 11-20 years, and then the last 7 years. It wasn't a very successful endeavour! For some reason I have very few memories of my childhood and I feel very disconnected from it. I didn't really feel like going into my life with someone I don't know or trust and don't even particularly like. I also really didn't know what to say! I don't know how to talk about my past life. Life this week is going to be busy. Tomorrow I have an assessment to see if I am a suitable "candidate" for the support group for people with high-functioning autism that is being set up for mental health service users. At least I think it is a support group -- my care coordinator wasn't too clear on the details. Then on Wednesday I am meeting with my care coordinator and psychiatrist to discuss my medication. I'm hoping they will decide to increase the dose of my current medication rather than change it completely. I'm really not stable enough right now to come off my medication and start a new one. I know that will induce another emotional breakdown. Also on Wednesday I am maybe meeting somebody from a mental health charity about a scheme they have where they train people who have "lived" a mental health experience to be self-employed support workers. The idea is to help people get back into work while also providing others with support. Yep... I might be getting a job. Watch this space... Then on Thursday I have to go to my work programme and I'm nervous because I complained to my job centre advisor about how pointless my sessions there are and she said she would discreetly let them know my feelings. Now I seriously regret that because they might start pushing me to do things I no longer feel ready for (since my mood has crashed). I also have an appointment with my GP on Thursday as he is continuing to support me where the mental health team are letting me down. So yeah, September is busy and my life has the potential to change. Despite my low mood I am still working on my Top Secret Project and if that goes ahead, then life will definitely be changing for me... and hopefully for the better. We shall see. I can see there are potential positives in my future but I am feeling too down to be feeling hopeful right now. I am just very tired of life... as always. Sorry if this entry is very disjointed. That's how my thoughts are right now. Anyway, enough of all that life stuff, it's shameless plug time! I have several new poems!
Yay! |
Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" Blue, rain, bridge, driving, insect, tree, sign, warning, chase, silver. Use these words in today's prompt any way you would like. Today I was excited to see my good friends, Mandy and PatrickB , turn blue as they both got promoted to Moderators. The thing I blogged about the other day, that I am currently researching, is proving to be very exciting but extremely daunting. It has nothing to do with WDC (sorry!) but could prove to be life-changing for me… ARGH! I’m still not going to give details but I’ll just say that I am trying to decide whether or not to chase a long held dream. From now on I am going to refer to this as my Top Secret Project. I haven’t blogged about Jade for a while. In October she will turn 14 and she is really starting to show her age. She has lots of flecks of silver in her coat now, including two big patches above her eyes that look like silver eyebrows—so adorable! Jade has always been a well behaved dog but I have to say, her behaviour has seriously deteriorated in recent months. I just don’t think she really gives a damn about much anymore and who can blame her! She is probably the equivalent of a ninety year old (or so) human, maybe closer to 100 years old. She has become pretty hard to live with but I still love her. Also in October... I will have had my driving license for four years! That’s crazy. I have come on a long way as a driver. I still get anxious about stuff but I am much more confident on the whole. Also, I no longer hold my breath when driving over a bridge! I’m not exactly sure why I used to do that… We’re having some crazy weather this August. We’ve had several days of rain and it has been pretty cold. I've had to put the heating on a few times. I spent an awful lot of money on a new wardrobe yesterday. The whole process was very stressful and several hours of my life have been sucked into the void of IKEA. Things seemed to keep going wrong and I couldn’t help but feel as if the universe was trying to give me a sign or warning against spending so much! But then I thought the universe probably has better things to worry about than my wardrobe. Anyway, I hope it will look nice. As a volunteer Environmental Education Assistant I am learning a lot about insects and other creepy crawlies. I’m not getting any better at identifying them though! But I now know how to determine the gender of a spider. I also learned that a woodlouse is not an insect, but is in fact a crustacean. It has 7 pairs of legs—if I’d known that then I would have known that a woodlouse isn’t an insect because insects have 3 pairs of legs. But I’d never paid much attention to the legs of woodlice before! I want to become a better Environmental Education Assistant than I currently am at the moment but there is an awful lot to take on board and I feel pretty overwhelmed. Even though my degree is in Animal Biology and Conservation, I feel my environmental knowledge is lacking a bit now. At one point I was pretty good at tree identification but because I didn’t practise, I forgot a lot of what I learned. I wish I'd kept my skills and knowledge fresh. And I think I have now used all the words! (Please forgive any errors in this entry. I am soooooo tired  ). |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : What do you like to find in a blog prompt? Do you prefer open-ended or very specific prompts? Is there a particular type or element of a prompt that you dislike? Do you have a prompt that you think would be great? Include it and I'll see what I can do to make that happen. I have been on the computer so much today, it's ridiculous. But it has been necessary as I have been doing a lot of research. A lot. I'm not going into any more detail than that right now except to say that I am feeling quite excited... and maybe positive too. I'll reserve judgement on the positive thing for now! But I feel like I'm getting to a better place after the trauma of the past week and I am tentatively hopeful about things. But I won't make too much of a big deal about it all because then I'll get emotional and my mood will probably end up crashing again. Anyway, my back, neck and eyes are really protesting right now but I'm ignoring them as I want to blog to this prompt! I don't really look for anything specific in blog prompts as I like them to be quite varied so I can blog on a variety of topics. One thing I like about joining in with the activities of "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" is that different people set the prompts so there is always a range of subjects. Sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to say on a particular prompt but that's fine -- I just wait for the next one to see if that suits me better!But I am much more into "free" blogging than "prompt" blogging to be honest. I wish there were more groups and activities on WDC for people who prefer not to blog to prompts yet still want to network with other bloggers and gain readers. I would start one if things were not so crazy for me right now! Maybe I will in the future. Or perhaps the folk at "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" could consider providing a forum for the free bloggers. And in other news... I have a new poem that I plan on entering a contest with. I feel a little mixed about this one -- I like some of it though! You'll have to open the item if you want to know what the title means (well, you could google it too, if you don't already know what it means, but it would be easier to just open my poem! )
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| So... I blogged a few hours ago but then made the entry private as I feared I had been too open and I also didn't want anyone worrying about me. But now I will make it public again. This blog is a (semi) public, fully honest and open account of my struggles with mental illness and that last entry is an example of a pretty extreme emotional crisis. As painful as it is to share, I would actually urge people to read it, especially anyone supporting a loved one with mental health issues or anyone wanting to understand what it is like to go through a crisis. I wish I could give advice on how to deal with such an event but I am still trying to come through it. I suppose I should say try to seek help before it reaches that point but I actually did that to no avail. But please don't let that put you off! I can only hope that other people, experiencing something similar, are receiving better care and support than I have been receiving. I am doing slightly better now, I think, though mostly because I am too burned out and have become pretty disconnected from everything. If that's what has to happen to overcome this then I am not going to complain! It's a pretty unsettling state to be in but it is certainly preferable to what I was going through before. Right now, the only thing threatening to send me back to breaking point is my inability to sleep. As I have been so severely distressed over the last few days I have been taking Lorazepam to help me sleep but I don't want to get dependent on it. So I didn't take any last night and am now suffering from severe rebound insomnia. I had this before after a prolonged period of taking Lorazepam but I'm hoping this time it will just be a one-night thing as I have only taken 3 doses of 0.5mg! It is almost 7am and I haven't slept at all, despite trying for hours. Sorry to be dramatic but I feel like this is a form of torture! Sleep is my only refuge at the moment and not being able to reach it is torture.My plan is to get through this crisis as best I can. If that means calling the out-of-hours urgent advice line, calling my care coordinator, turning up at the hospital, then I will do it. Things are happening in September and I want to give them a shot. My eating disorder therapy should start, I am getting a medication review and I am meeting with someone to discuss my suitability for the support group for people with high-functioning autism. I also have some medical appointments coming up then so can hopefully begin to get on top of the physical problems that are dragging me down. Plus, both my voluntary jobs will start back up next month. So I have decided to try and make it through September and will reassess things in October. Then I will do whatever I have to do and that may mean checking out early, to quote the movie Little Miss Sunshine, if things have not improved. That is my right. I don't know if that is shocking or offensive but I no longer care. I value life. It is a precious thing and we should all do everything we can to make the most of our time on earth. But things (forces?) outside of my control are preventing me from living life and if I can't put that right then I don't want to be here anymore. Nobody can say I haven't tried! But it may not come to that. Maybe September will be a turning point for me... |
| I am experiencing very high levels of distress which have been increasing since Tuesday. I have reached out for help multiple times and have been brushed off multiple times. My care coordinator referred me to the Home Treatment Team but after assessment they have decided not to take over my care because I would not discuss my suicide plans with them and was not actively suicidal at that precise moment (doesn't seem to matter that I have been actively suicidal on and off for the last few days and am getting increasingly panicked and desperate. ) And why would I talk about something so upsetting and personal with people treating me with such a lack of compassion when I am at my most vulnerable? I have been patronised, humiliated and treated with complete disdain. I have been abandoned. If I had the courage to end my life I would do it in a heartbeat. I am exhausted from wishing, hoping, praying to a god I don't believe in and working as hard as I possibly can to turn things around and change my life. I give up on that. Now I am putting all of my energy into finding the courage to DIE. I hate that it has come to this. I wanted more from life and I wanted to give more. I can't believe when I was a child and teenager that I thought I would achieve things and do good in the world. I don't know why this has happened and why things have gone so wrong. All I know is that I can't fix it. I don't know If I did something to deserve this but if I did, then I am sorry, so, so sorry -- I have paid many times over and I wish that was enough. I'm just sorry for everything. Sorry for any stress and trouble I've caused. Sorry to the people who care about me and have tried so hard to help me. I'm sorry for me -- I should have been better this. I just don't know what to do. I don't know why a part of me is still clinging on to life. I have spent too long wishing for things to get better. Now I wish I could just let go. |
| I'm running on empty. I feel I have very few reasons to stay alive. I love the people closest to me but that isn't enough. I wanted a life. A proper one, not just this hellish half-life I'm living. Did I ask for too much? Realised yesterday that I am not as close to being able to work as I thought I was. I am no longer a capable and confident person and I don't think I can become one again. So what is the point in sticking around? To see people achieving the things I once thought I could achieve and see them living a life I once thought I could live? No, that is torture. All I want to do is be able to work (and I mean paid, full-time work)... if I can't do that then I feel there is no point to my existence. Mental illness has destroyed my life and I am grieving. I cannot overcome this grief. I don't have an identity anymore. Sometimes I don't recognise myself when I look in the mirror. That can be scary. I feel disconnected from my name too. It feels jarring to me when someone calls me or refers to me and I often think, is that really my name? Very unsettling. I have talked my way out of being sent to the hospital three times in about the space of a week. I didn't realise I could be so persuasive and manipulative. Maybe I should be a politician? I don't want to be hospitalised. I don't want to be alive. I don't want to kill myself. I am in a weird kind of limbo. I feel like I'm in a trance. I wish I could freeze time for a bit -- I need to catch up. I'm wondering if I have Borderline Personality Disorder... whatever I am going through, it is more than severe depression. I feel like I am a very unstable person. I cannot handle negative emotions. I experience huge levels of personal distress. I have strong suicidal ideation. All these are signs of a personality disorder, I think. Plus there's more but I don't want to blog about that. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I am losing the will to continue fighting and I definitely don't have the energy for it. But I'm too scared to die. I feel like I'll be stuck in this strange limbo forever and I can't stand that thought. I have worked so hard to change things and it kills me to have to admit defeat. My efforts haven't made the slightest bit of difference. It's so cold at the moment -- doesn't feel like August. There is an autumnal chill to the air. Everything is so strange right now. |
| I'm upset tonight because I may have made a social faux pas that could potentially cause damage. But I don't know for sure and I can't do anything to clarify the situation because that would make things worse. And I realise I'm being cryptic here but I can't really give details. I feel sick with worry about this but I do have a plan to try and put things right, which is making me feel a little better. But yeah, I'm really not dealing too well with all the uncertainty over it and my anxiety has sky-rocketed. Things are just generally not very good today! I think I am overtired and drained and that is making everything feel worse. My appointment with my care coordinator yesterday went okay. He told me that he has a colleague who is starting a support group for people with high-functioning autism who also have mental health problems. He has put my name forward for this -- I don't have to go but I will be receiving information about it and can then make up my mind. It might be interesting! It might even be helpful, I suppose. Watch this space... I also went along to the last bushcraft session of the summer yesterday and it was by far my favourite session out of all the ones I've helped with. We had a group of boys. There were a couple of brats in this group (one refused to get off the bus so spent the two hours there!) but on the whole they were a nice bunch. Some were a bit cheeky but in a light-hearted kind of way -- nothing compared to some of the attitudes I have come across since starting this work! Anyway, as part of the lesson they each get to attempt to set a cotton wool pad alight using steel and flint and I was helping one boy who was really struggling with it. He was there for ages trying to do it but every now and then stopped to look at me with the saddest expression on his face and said, "I can't do it." I kept repeating, "you can. You will. Just keep trying. You're doing all the right things." He really was, bless him! I'd given him a few tips to start with and he took them on board so really was doing everything he could. He was just having terrible luck with it and that is the way it goes sometimes. I felt so bad for him but knew it would be awesome if he persevered and achieved it. And he did! And it was awesome. I could have cried at the expression of pride on his face! I could tell it meant so much to him to have achieved something. It meant so much to me too to have played a part in it. I love those moments. But that was yesterday... today I saw the guy who I believe has a crush on me and I am now more convinced of it than ever because today he hugged me... twice! It was weird. But what is even weirder is that I didn't freak out. Yeah, I hugged someone other than Mark and it was fine! I survived! And it wasn't all tense and awkward like hugs (with people other than Mark) usually are -- it was quite natural. I'm very surprised at myself. Haha! I'm not going to be making a habit of it though. I generally prefer people to keep their distance! And in other news, I have a new poem in my port. Quite like this one, I think.
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| Prompt from: "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Which fictional character have you fallen for? Warning (just in case!): There are several MAJOR Harry Potter spoilers in this entry! Snape, Snape, Snape! Severus Snape from the Harry Potter series. He has sallow skin, a hooked nose and greasy hair and I am head-over-heels in love with him! Haha! Yeah, I am definitely more into a person’s personality than I am their physical appearance. I’d much rather go out with the tragically ugly guy who has an awesome sense of humour than the devastatingly handsome guy with the personality of a gnat. So what is it about Snape's personality that I have fallen for? Well, he is the ultimate tortured soul! And tortured souls are completely compelling to me. I love their vulnerability and fragility. I guess I kind of desire to take care of them and to be the only person to ever break through their ridiculously tough defences. I also love the idea of someone being that sensitive and that much of a deep thinker because I’m that sensitive and that much of a deep thinker! Yes, I consider myself somewhat of a tortured soul too ( ) and I guess I like the idea of being with someone who cares about and is affected by things as I deeply as I am. I suppose I’m just really into the whole dark and brooding thing!But there is more to Snape than that too. I also love that he is vastly intelligent, totally himself (I can’t stand fake people) and completely courageous. These are all very appealing traits to me and things I value greatly. I also feel that despite his ridiculously poor social skills, he has a certain charm and is strangely charismatic. Mostly I suppose I love that he is flawed. Is it weird to be so in love with a fictional character? I have read the Harry Potter series countless times and relish every scene Snape appears in. Has there ever been a more fully-realised, complex character? He bursts right off the page and I adore his story arc. It is so perfect, so beautifully plotted, so dazzlingly written… I knew there was more to Snape than meets the eye but I didn’t ever guess he was in love with Lily. When this came out in the book I cried! My heart broke! I never doubted Snape… not for a minute. Not even for a second! Dumbledore trusted him whole-heartedly and so I did. Yep, even when he killed Dumbledore I knew there was more to it than that and that there was a noble reason behind it. I knew Snape would never let me down! I knew he wasn’t evil! I realise I am coming across as totally batshit crazy in this entry but I don’t care! It is wonderful to feel so passionate about a character and I can only dream that one day I will create one who has the same impact on someone -- a character so real that a person could fall in love with them. Think what you want about JK Rowling (I realise it isn’t especially cool to admire her as a writer) but she is the master at characterisation. Snape is a work of art. *Swoons* |
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