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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
The last couple of days have made recent stresses here on WDC and offline pale into insignificance. Sorry to be cryptic! I want to express how tough it has been, but not give any details, and it has been tough. But I'm through it now, I think. I hope.  Sorry for the moment of madness where I made my blog private! I had a bit of a freak out moment over how open I have been in here. But I'm over that now too, obviously! Yes I have been very open in my blogging, which can feel quite dangerous at times, but the benefit I get from it makes it worth the risk, I guess. Anyway, enough of this! I had my first proper session at my new voluntary job this morning, observing an "Art in Nature" lesson. It was fun though completely exhausting and hard work on such little sleep. I'm really not sleeping well at the moment. When do I ever?! I usually have trouble with insomnia but the last few nights have been absolutely awful. But enough of that too! There were 24 children, aged around 5 or 6 years old and wow were they hard work? It was just a constant battle to keep them engaged, an observation I made to the lady running the session and she agreed but said this class were particularly "woolly". So hopefully I will get to help out with better focused and calmer groups. Today we walked around the park and looked at the different sculptures on display and also more natural "art" and talked with the children about shapes, colours and textures. Often the children were instructed to go off and search for things that they needed to record on a sheet of paper and we needed to help them do this and engage them in the activities. Even though I volunteer at the RDA, I still feel very self-conscious and anxious when talking to children. I haven't had much practise at this because more often than not at the RDA I'm leading the horse rather than side-walking, so I don't have to talk much. But I tried my best today. I really need to work on my eye contact -- it's not such a big deal when talking to adults but it really is with kids. Also, when I talk to a child, I feel like I'm being fake. I just wish I could sound a bit more natural and relaxed but hopefully those things will come with time and practise. This was my first session and I did better than I thought I would. At least I tried. I could have just hung back and observed, which is what I was there to do really, but I wanted to get involved and step outside of my comfort zone. I worked hard and I'm proud of what I have achieved today but it has left me feeling extremely drained! When I got home I realised I had a missed call from a withheld number but no message was left. I hate that! Who called me?! I want to knoooooow! I'm hoping I haven't just missed a call from the garage about my car. Now I feel like I need to recover a bit -- from yesterday (which was one of the hardest days of my life  ) and from this morning, which was good (-ish) though surprisingly difficult. Not sure if I'll be able to stay awake.  |
I read this entry in Happy Mom's Day 2024!  's blog this morning, "A Quiet Sunday" and it made me think about one of my old childhood friends. She was from Japan but lived in England for a while and we met after she joined my school when we were about seven or eight years old, if I'm remembering correctly. A couple of years later she moved back to Japan with her family and we agreed to stay in touch by letter, which we did for several years. When I was in my early teens she returned to England for a few days and we met up again. Unfortunately the letter-writing eventually fizzled out and we lost touch just before we started at our respective universities, I believe. I may not have the time-frame exactly correct... it was a long time ago!Anyway, Connie's entry inspired me to track down my childhood friend and I found her on Facebook! I was 95% certain it was her (there were several people with the same name) and I sent her a message (I didn't have the option to send a friend request -- I'm guessing that has something to do with her privacy settings?) But about an hour ago I got two notifications on my phone -- she'd replied to my message and sent me a friend request! I can't believe it's her!  After all these years! Her message was so sweet -- she is excited that I've found her and wants to stay in touch. I've had a brief look at her Facebook page and I think she's married. How can my childhood friend be married?! That's insane! I'm looking forward to talking with her some more and finding out what she has been up to since we last caught up with each other. It feels weird though! ARGH!So thank you, Connie, for inspiring me to get back in touch with an old friend.  |
| I bought and have started reading what l think is going to be a pretty interesting book: The Good Psychopath's Guide To Success by Dr Kevin Dutton and Andy McNab. I was attracted to it because I have been thinking about how I can increase my self-confidence and this book promises to show me how to develop and use self-confidence to get what I want from life. I'm not really getting what I want from life right now so any book that could potentially help me change that is definitely worth exploring. I'm sixty-five pages in so far and am enjoying it. There's a quiz to find out how psychopathic you are and I actually scored below average. I think this is because I am a pretty moral person and also, I'm not especially impulsive. I can be impulsive, but most of the time I am a planner. But I do have high levels of some traits associated with psychopathy. I have a strong ability to focus on things -- once I've identified a goal, if I want it strongly enough, absolutely nothing will stop me from achieving it. I proved that with getting my degree under really tough circumstances (i.e. dealing with severe mental health problems and multiple deaths in my family). Against the odds, I left University with the degree class I set out to get because I decided that failing just wasn't an option. Getting anything below a 2:1 just wasn't an option! Anyway, I'm hoping the book will continue to be interesting and I hope I'll get a lot out of it. In other news, today has been a better day. I am no longer feeling upset over certain things having talked them through with people. I have come to the realisation that there are plenty of people in my life who treat me with the same courtesy and respect I show them -- those are the kind of people I want in my life and the kind of people I will endeavour to surround myself with.  Anyone else will be kept at a wary distance.I don't know if my medication is kicking in but while my mood is still very low, I suddenly have bags of motivation and today has been a very productive day. I've identified four subjects that I would like to study in more depth/brush up on my skills in and I'm going to dedicate some time each day to studying them, starting with two and then introducing the other two once I've got some kind of structure in place (I may have to alternate subjects as I'm not sure it is realistic to study four in one day). I'm beginning with Psychology (because I'm still seriously considering that Psychology Masters conversion course) and also Maths (because I desperately need to get better at this and also improve my confidence in this subject). The other two are Chemistry and French. I've also decided that I am going to tone up. No more saying, I want to tone up! and then not doing anything about it. I'm actually going to do it! I found some exercises today that should help to tone my thighs (my most hated area) and I'm going to do them everyday. I did them this afternoon. They're brutal! But I really think this will help with my eating disorder treatment. I often mistake un-toned muscle for fat, which is why I often think I'm fat when obviously I'm not (because it isn't possible to be fat and underweight at the same time!) I think toning up will help me to get a better body image. I hope so anyway. I'm also going to continue with the yoga and then start pilates once the yoga course has finished. But I think I'm going to quit the gym. With all the walking I do, and all the stretching/toning exercises I plan to do, I don't think I really need the gym and it is a big expense. I might look into doing badminton instead. I'm not sure! Tomorrow I am meeting my work programme advisor and on Tuesday I have the RDA in the morning (when the kids have their riding test!) and then an appointment with the eating disorder team in the afternoon and yoga in the evening. On Wednesday and Thursday I am having another attempt at my new voluntary job and hopefully the classes will show up for the sessions this time! On Wednesday it's "Art in Nature" and on Thursday it's "Exploring Bugs". Then on Friday I'm meeting my care coordinator. So I have a very busy week ahead of me! Fingers crossed I get my car back tomorrow otherwise it is going to be a bit of a nightmare week! |
...yeah... think I will.  The stuff with my car, Mark going home, an unpleasant incident here on WDC that has left me feeling confused and deeply upset and now something else, which I can't blog about... but that has left me confused and upset too. And all on top of the usual crap I have to deal with. I am mentally exhausted. I am ridiculously anxious. I am so, so confused when it comes to people. I guess I am throwing myself a bit of a pity party here, and I'm sorry for that, but I am at my breaking point and need to get some of this stuff out before I spontaneously combust or something.  |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Take the first sentence from your favorite book and make it the first sentence of your Blog entry. “They're out there”. Oooh, who’s out there? I actually have three favourite books (do not make me choose between them because that is impossible!) but I decided to go with the opening sentence for “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” by Ken Kesey because I think it makes for a dramatic opening! I also could have gone with, “The Salinas Valley is in Northern California.” which is an extremely boring opening line for what is actually an amazingly spectacular book. This is, of course, the first sentence of “East of Eden” by John Steinbeck. The third line I could have begun this entry with is, “It seems increasingly likely that I really will undertake the expedition that has been preoccupying my imagination now for some days.” This is from “The remains of the Day” by Kazuo Ishiguro, which is a powerful and devastating novel of missed chances, lost love and regret. We are told the opening line of a novel is very important and must immediately hook the reader, so I find it somewhat amusing that none of my favourite books have a particularly special opening line. Is that opening line so important? Would anyone give up on a book after reading the first sentence, just because it fails to immediately grab? I wouldn't. Even the best books can take a while to settle into and I understand this very well (I'm thinking of Catch-22 by Joseph Heller here and how I hated it when I first started reading it, then began loving it… and now consider it one of my favourite novels and have since read it countless times!  )I wonder if the opening sentence of a blog entry is important? Looking back through mine I seem to be a big fan of punchy exclamations! In other news... I’ve had an update on my car. They know what is wrong with it now. It needs a new dashboard do-da (I have already forgotten the name of the part so will refer to it as a do-da). They need to put out a request to various recycling places and then buy an available do-da and replace the old one. Looks like the earliest I’ll be getting my car back now is Monday. I have a feeling things are going to stretch on for longer than this though. I am getting seriously annoyed at their lack of urgency on fixing and returning my car to me and the lack of apology from them for selling me a car that has a serious fault. By Monday they will have had my car in for repair for longer than I had it after buying it from them. That’s just not good enough! I am thankful that I bought the damn thing with a guarantee. If I’d bought it from a private dealer I would be funding the repairs myself right now and I'm guessing the costs are astronomical, especially because of all the investigative work they've had to do seeing as the problem is intermittent. So I'm trying not to get worked up over the situation but as I have already said, I am very reliant on my car. Not having one is seriously worsening my depression and anxiety because I cannot function as well as I would like to. It is important to my mental health for me to be able to get out and about and to be independent. I am worried about how I’ll cope the longer this goes on. I do have my mum’s car but I feel very reluctant to go out in it as it is a bit too big for me to drive comfortably. So yeah, I'm actually incredibly stressed and depressed about this right now. But to end on a positive, my new poem is now ready and in my port! It's kind of cheesy but heartfelt. I've already had a lovely review of it from Mark. 
Feedback, as always, is very welcome. |
| My goodness, my yoga teacher has the weirdest toes! In last night's session we had to stand and lift our toes, while keeping the rest of our feet on the floor. Then the teacher said, “now, place your toes back down one-by-one and try to leave a gap between them” and I was like, do what now? She proceeded to do it and I watched with a mixture of horror and awe! It’s one of the weirdest things I have ever seen. Honestly, I had no idea people could manipulate each individual toe in that way! Mine work together like an army of well-regimented soldiers. If I try to raise one, they all move together. My mind has been blown! The session last night was better than the first one. My sister couldn't come but that turned out to be a good thing because I felt better able to relax as I wasn't worrying about her hating every second. Also, I'd emailed the studio to ask if there was anything I could do to make laying on the floor more comfortable for me. As I'm pretty skinny and have a naturally very prominent spine, laying on my back on a hard floor, even with a yoga mat between me and the floor, was unbearably painful. Anyway, the teacher gave me a folded up blanket to lay on and that was much better. The movements we did were hard work and kind of painful, and some made me feel funny to try, so I can’t say I enjoyed it, but when I left I was definitely feeling more relaxed in general and my shoulders, the body part we focused on most today, felt less tight. I'm thinking yoga could end up being good for me. Scheduled relaxation is better than no relaxation! I doubt it is going to tone me up though, so I may have to go back to pilates again for that. I still don't have my car! Grrrrr! But they have finally witnessed it doing what my mum and I have both told them it does. So they are taking it back to the auto-electrician and hopefully he can solve the problem and I'll be able to pick it up tomorrow evening. Fingers crossed. I just want it back! My mum said today that at least I am able to drive her car in the meantime, which is true and I'm grateful for that, but I want the new car I've just spent almost £2000 on! This afternoon I applied for a job. I'm not sure how I feel about the actual job on the whole -- some parts sounds fun but other parts sound exhausting. The hours seem pretty unstable. But it was worth applying for it even if all I get out of it is practise at filling out an extremely complicated and tedious form. I'm hoping I'll get some more interview practise out of it too. I don't know what I'll do if I get offered it. I would love to be able to do it but I have to be realistic and my health is pretty fragile right now. I shall see what happens and go with the flow! I finished reading The Silkworm by Robert Galbraith (aka JK Rowling) earlier and really enjoyed it. I liked it more than The Cuckoo's Calling. I'm not sure what novel I'm going to read next -- I might focus on the poetry or non-fiction that I have on the go at the moment but have been neglecting since starting The Silkworm. Then this evening Mark and I went shopping and I bought six "strappy" tops in a range of colours. Sounds excessive but they were only £2 each and you can never have too many strappy tops! Mark is going home tomorrow. Not sure I'm going to deal with that too well. I'm under so much stress at the moment so have really appreciated his support. He does support me even when we are apart but that's not the same as having him here. |
| I'm not having the best day! The RDA was such hard work this morning. I was leading Buster and the child riding him just could not seem to hold her focus. She had two side-walkers but for some reason they both dropped the ball when it came to trying to get her attention. As leader rather than side-walker, it wasn't really my place to address the issues but when I could I still made some (futile) attempts to get her to shorten her reins, look where she was going and to steer properly! What really needed to happen was for us to stop completely and then either the riding teacher or a staff member from her school should have attempted to regain her attention. But we totally lost her, lol! She kept letting go of the reins, twisting round to look behind her and singing. Not ideal when she was supposed to be controlling the horse she was riding! It was frustrating. I wasn't annoyed at her though -- she's adorable and wasn't doing it on purpose -- I was annoyed at the side-walkers for not taking better control of the situation. But never mind. These things happen... especially when you try to get children with learning difficulties and attention problems to stay focused on challenging tasks! Then, I was hoping to pick my car up from the garage this evening but I've had bad news there. They can't find what the problem is! They've road tested it but it hasn't played up for them like it did for me and also for my mum when she drove it to the garage at the weekend. Their auto-electrician guy has looked at it but can't find a fault. So they are going to road test it for longer tomorrow and do some more extensive tests, I think. I've got my fingers crossed that they will get to the bottom of it and soon because I need my car. It is a real lifeline for me and I depend on it so much. For now my mum is allowing me to drive her car but we can't carry on like that indefinitely because she needs it too! Plus, her car sucks! And I feel nervous driving it. I don't like being responsible for someone else's expensive machinery!So lots of stresses! But there is a bright spot in this cloudy day. I received a beautiful awardicon for my portfolio from the very lovely Happy Mom's Day 2024! . Look! How awesome is that? I now have three portfolio awardicons which I love because I can rotate them and choose portfolio covers with colours to match, making my port look super stylish and fresh on a regular basis. I'm loving how it looks right now! In other news, I have a new poem! And it isn't even a campfire poem! It isn't quite public-ready yet but will be very soon as I hope to enter it in a contest that is closing within the next few days. So that's a positive.I have yoga tonight. I'm hoping it will be better than the last session! |
| I've had a rough few days struggling with my anxiety over eating more and the inevitable weight gain that comes with that, plus contemplating putting even more weight on, so I decided to see my doctor this morning, three days earlier than I was due to see him. The thing is, I woke up in a good mood! Obviously that's a good thing, but seeing my doctor in a good mood isn't, because then I act all upbeat and it isn't a true reflection of how my mood has been overall. I find it harder to explain how much I am struggling when I am having a rare brighter moment. But never mind! I did manage to tell my GP I am feeling strong anxiety over the weight gain and he tried to reassure me as best he could that weight gain is positive. He wanted to weigh me to see if I really have put any on. It's not that he didn't believe me, I just don't think he knows I weigh myself as obsessively as I do! He said sometimes eating more can make you feel like you've put weight on, when really you haven't. I couldn't face it though and he was fine with that. He did tell me I could think about putting on around 2 stone! (That's 28lbs!) Um... not going to happen! I don't think I have ever weighed 8 stone in my life! And at the moment, thinking about getting back up to my more regular 6 stone 8 is terrifying me enough. I think for me, somewhere between 6 stone 8 and 7 stone is the way to go. I cannot see myself going higher than seven stone. I think that would be tough anyway, what with having a fast metabolism.I said goodbye to Mark when I got home, as he is visiting a friend in London today, and then I had a nap. Unfortunately when I woke up, my good mood had evaporated and I felt my more familiar states of depression and irritability. My new medication is making me feel even more angry and irritable than normal and I woke feeling somewhat hot-headed and reckless and... yes, bitchy too. My already very low tolerance for rudeness has dropped even further today. I don't like myself too much when I am in this frame of mind. It is not a fun way to be. But I will never be okay with rudeness! Perhaps I can deal with it better, though, when I am not feeling so out of sorts. I don't know! I saw my therapist this evening and that was quite a positive session. She thinks I have made a lot of progress in our work together and thinks I will continue to do so. We have dropped my sessions to around every 6 weeks now as I think we are coming to the end of our working relationship. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I want to continue working with her as I like talking to her and I feel she has helped me a lot. On the other hand, I think we are nearing the end of all we can do together and it is time for me to move on. Yes, we decided today that my eating disorder has to be the priority and obviously the specialist team are in a better position to help me with that. This feels like a very scattered blog entry today. My thoughts are all over the place so I think I am going to give up on it now! |
| Oooh, I haven't blogged for 5 days apparently but lots has been going on! Mark is visiting at the moment so I haven't been online as much as normal. We celebrated our 6th anniversary on the 18th. On Tuesday, I reached the end of my tether with my chest and breathing difficulty. I had a really busy today as I went to the RDA in the morning, had to go to my work programme thing in the afternoon and was picking up Mark from the train station and also attending my first yoga class in the evening, as well as fitting in Jade's walks. It really wasn't a good day for not being able to breathe! After I got home from the work programme I decided enough is enough! I called my GP surgery and asked if it would be possible for me to see a doctor that evening. The receptionist said there were no available appointments but she would get a doctor to call me. The doctor did call and I told him I felt like I was having really bad allergies and that was making me feel like I was slowly suffocating. He said, "it sounds like you need an inhaler" and that was that. I picked up my prescription for a reliever inhaler about 45 minutes later and have finally had some relief! It doesn't work as instantaneously as I thought it would, but it does work! And since getting it I've only need to use it 4 or 5 times. My chest is so much better and the antihistamine tablets have taken care of my itchy ears and throat. Now I just need to find something to help with my ridiculously stuffy nose! The yoga class was... interesting! Yeah, I'm not sure yoga is for me. I'm not really into all that meditation, inner peace stuff. My sister and I couldn't really take it seriously. My mum has paid for the class though so we feel like we have to continue with it! But I don't mind the actual exercises and I'm hoping they'll help me to tone up a bit. My poor sister hates it all though! Kelvin the car is not working out too well, unfortunately. On Wednesday I started my new voluntary job but almost didn't get there! The car engine would not start but I kept trying and eventually it did. I was pretty nervous about driving but didn't really have a choice as I was due at my new job in about 15 minutes. When I was driving on the main road, my indicators, speedometer and fuel gauge suddenly failed and a little red exclamation point appeared on my dashboard. That was freaky! Thankfully I was passing a petrol station so I pulled in, turned my engine off and then restarted it. That seemed to reset everything and I got safely to my destination. My mum's mechanic friend came round that evening to check the brakes and he reset something to do with the electrics and said it was fine to drive, but if it happened again to take it back to the garage I got it from. Unfortunately it did happen again, when Mark and I were driving into town. This time, after I pulled up and turned off the engine, I couldn't get it started again. I thought I was going to have to call for a breakdown truck! But after about 10 minutes I got the engine started and we tentatively made our way home with my hazard warning lights on! I was so scared the engine was going to fail. Thankfully the car is guaranteed for 4 months so it is now back at the garage and hopefully they can fix it. I can't stand not having a car but probably won't get it back until Tuesday now. As for my voluntary job? Well, that was a disaster! I was supposed to be observing an outdoor educational challenge session and helped to set it up, but the school didn't turn up! Yeah, there was a mix-up and their teacher thought the session was in the afternoon. So I came home early. I had arranged to go again next week but have now cancelled that because of my car (I don't really cope on public transport -- I am very dependent on my car ) I will be trying again the week after though, and hopefully that will go more according to plan! So that has all been pretty stressful! In other, better news, I have a new poem! I do not consider this my best work, but it's not terrible. I was working well outside my comfort zone! I really like the form so will probably use it again at some point.
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| For the last few weeks I have been eating more like a normal person and I have tried to be okay with this, but I'm just not. I have put on about 3-4 pounds (probably more like 2-3 if taking food weight into account). I know this is a good thing and I am trying to see it as a good thing but now I have had a major setback. I don't want to blog about what has happened but it has made me determined to lose the weight I have put back on. Perhaps if I was receiving the right level of support I could work through this setback and maintain my current weight or even continue to put weight on, as I know I still need to do, but I'm not receiving the right level of support. Why didn't they help me when I was practically begging to start treatment and felt hugely motivated to recover? I'm sure I could have done it with professional support. But I think it's too late now. I'm not sure I want to recover anymore. |
| So my chest and breathing got worse again last night and I decided to go to the urgent care centre. I saw a nurse who checked my oxygen level using a gadget that clipped onto my finger. She had to try three times to get a reading because my hands were cold. My oxygen levels were fine. She listened to my chest and my lungs were clear. But she said I am not congested when I absolutely am and have been for the last few days. I have cold symptoms but it isn't a cold -- I don't feel ill. Rough, but not ill! I don't know how to explain the difference. I thought it was hay fever but I've never had it so severe. She made me feel like I'm going crazy. She made me feel humiliated. She made me discuss my mental health problems, which have nothing to do with my breathing/chest/hay fever/allergies/whatever! I insisted I wasn't having an anxiety attack. Although she didn't say outright, I'm sure she didn't believe me. I said, "I just want to be able to breathe" and she said in a very patronising tone, "you are breathing". I guess I should have said, “I just want my breathing to go back to normal” or “I just want to be unaware of my breathing again!” So she didn't do anything and I left very distressed and had an anxiety attack on top of whatever was going on with my breathing. Fun times! I calmed down from my anxiety attack, came home and did some research. I found these: http://forums.webmd.com/3/asthma-exchange/forum/2013?pg=1 http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=7&m=2259796 http://forum.asthma.org.uk/yaf_postst14132_Severe-asthma-attack---no-wheezing-an... And these are just a select few. And that gadget thing she used can give inaccurate readings if the patient's hands are cold. Screw you, judgemental nurse! I know I wasn't having an anxiety attack. I have had enough anxiety attacks in my life to know what they feel like by now. I think I am either having the worst hay fever of my life, some other kind of allergy, or atypical or "hidden" asthma. Why can't things ever be straightforward for me? Why does it always have to be so complicated? And why don't I ever get taken seriously? Oh yeah, because I have mental health problems that are so beautifully outlined in my notes so every health professional I deal with can judge me and dismiss me. |
| I have my new car! I can't even describe what a wrench it was to leave Lemar at the garage. I am soooooo going to miss my first ever car. Anyway, my mum drove the new one home because I was so nervous about it and she has driven a Vauxhall Corsa before, whereas I haven't. But I have driven it this evening on familiar routes and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually prefer the steering of this car (it's lovely and light), but the clutch and gear box are both horrible and will take some adjusting too. Also, this car has a slightly smaller engine than my previous one so the acceleration isn't quite as good, which I don't like. But I'm sure I'll get used to it. One really brilliant thing is that I will no longer have to spend five minutes letting the engine warm up, which I had to do with Lemar otherwise it would cut out. So that is going to be awesome! I drove with my mum this evening but I think I will be fine driving by myself tomorrow as I felt relatively confident. I think I will just take things very steady for a while until I am more used to how it handles. I feel really achy now because I was pretty tense, plus the seat is quite different. I know I just need to get used to it all! I don't cope with change very well and stuff like this makes me feel very unsettled, and kind of emotional in a way. I feel like I could cry but I can't exactly pinpoint why I feel like that! It's weird! And annoying. I guess a part of me just wishes I could have kept my old car forever. But I know deep down I couldn't! I'm sure I'll learn to love my new car. I've already named him -- Kelvin -- so that makes the whole process a little less intimidating. A car called Kelvin can't possibly be scary! But perhaps if I didn't name the damn things it wouldn't be so difficult getting rid of them! I miss Lemar! |
| I had my follow-up eating disorder assessment today. I don't know if I blogged about the first one, but it was awful. I could hardly talk and they were saying that they were concerned I'm too depressed to benefit from treatment. They decided to extend the assessment, so that's what today was. I went along much better prepared and determined to communicate in a way that is easy for me -- I wrote down a whole load of stuff I thought they would find useful and need to know. I am tired of having to adapt to other people's communication styles all the time. These appointments are for me so they should be trying to find ways to communicate with me. This was the first paragraph of what I wrote: I have Asperger Syndrome and find verbal communication challenging. If I say “I don’t know”, I am not meaning to be difficult. This is usually a sign that I am feeling overwhelmed, in which case it might be easier for me to write things down than to say them. Alternatively, it could be a sign that the question asked is too open and abstract for me. It may need to be rephrased or broken down for me to be able to answer it. I am better at answering closed questions where possible! There were two people conducting my assessment -- a therapist and another lady (not too sure what her role is!) and I gave them each a copy of this. The therapist read this opening paragraph and then looked up and said to me, "how will we know if we've asked you a question in the wrong way?" And I was just like    I wrote it down! She literally just read the answer to that question! What is it with these people?!Yeah, I don't have a lot of faith in her now as she doesn't seem especially intelligent. She can't even read! And she didn't take anything on board that I'd written down. She kept asking me these long-winded, open questions that I couldn't even hold in my brain to look at, let alone attempt to answer. But on the whole the appointment went much better than the previous one and they now know most of my difficulties around eating and weight etc -- or they should know, as I wrote it all down. My case needs to be discussed with the rest of the team but they believe I will be put on the waiting list for therapy (more waiting ) and I will meet with them every two weeks or so in the meantime to "prepare for therapy", which seems a bit bizarre. I'm meeting with a therapist to prepare for therapy... why can't I just start therapy... with the therapist I'm meeting with?! But whatever, I'll go with that! It's better than nothing.The appointment was so terribly draining and took huge mental effort on my part. One of the reasons I want to study psychology myself is because I feel I would make a much better psychologist/therapist than the people I've met with. For one thing, I understand that people don't just walk straight out of a textbook. What I mean is, I understand people are not always going to fit a definition of something perfectly and this wouldn't throw me if I came across it, whereas most therapists seem totally baffled if you deviate even slightly from what they are expecting. And for another thing, I would have a much better understanding of how to work with people with communication difficulties. If I was my own therapist, I would be working so hard to find a way to ensure easy and open communication. It could be something as simple as setting a few questions for the client to write down answers to for the next appointment! It isn't rocket science! Even though I have a communication disability, I actually think I communicate better than most people when I can do it in a way I'm comfortable with. Most people, on the other hand, just seem to communicate at half-effort much of the time. I work hard at it all the time. But sometimes I wonder, why bother? Sometimes I just want to shut down completely and never communicate with anyone ever again. |
| I've got such bad hay fever at the moment but today has been particularly awful. My throat and the insides of my ears have been so itchy and I have been sneezing a lot. Breathing has been quite a difficult task for much of the day, though obviously I am breathing. My chest feels so tight and I can't sleep right now because of this and also because I'm kind of wheezy when laying down. I'm debating whether to go to the hospital though I really don't want to. They'll probably tell me it's anxiety when I know it is not. Once you're diagnosed with a mental health problem, all physical problems get attributed to that! I do get a tightness in my chest when I'm having an anxiety attack, but this is different. This is the same feeling I get when I've inhaled something like cleaning chemicals or car fumes (I'm so sensitive to stuff like that) but worse. Plus I'm not anxious right now. My breathing has been difficult all day and I haven't died so I don't feel anxious about it anymore, just annoyed. I've had this before but not to this extent. I think this is more than hay fever. I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday so I really want to hold off until then if I can but I don't know if that's stupid. My breathing has eased a bit now I'm sitting up. I might try sleeping again soon and if it gets worse again, then I will seriously consider going to the hospital, or perhaps the urgent care centre because I don't know if it's serious enough to go to the hospital. Or perhaps I'll just ring NHS 111 for advice because I don't know if it's serious enough to go to the urgent care centre. Having had two ambulances sent out to me in less than a year (for a severe anxiety attack and for my suicide attempt) I am feeling very conscious of what an expense I am to the NHS. Urgh. Not fun! |
| My goodness, buying a new car has been an incredibly stressful process. I was lucky to avoid much of this stress the first time around because my Dad found my first car for me (he has a friend who owns a garage) and both my parents helped out with paying for it. This time I've been with my mum to look at various cars and we really don't know what we're doing! Yes, I know how to drive a car and I know basic maintenance such as how to check and fill the oil etc, but otherwise I know nothing and it has been incredibly daunting. Plus, I am spending significantly more money this time so it feels much riskier than when I bought my previous car. It has been so horrible to feel so completely out of my depth. Anyway, I went to look at a Ford Fiesta yesterday (same make as my current car) but I ended up putting a deposit on a Vauxhall Corsa. ARGH! I'm so nervous. It's a 2002 model, black and very, very flash! I can't believe I'm buying a flash car!  The selling points for me were that it is low mileage (70, 000), has a full service history, will be coming with a year's MOT and has only had two previous owners. But... the absolutely best thing about it is that the seat height is adjustable!  Driving can be pretty difficult for us shorties! I sit on a cushion in my current car but I won't need one in my new car. Yay!So... I will be picking it up next Thursday and part-exchanging my current car. I am incredibly nervous because I have never driven a Corsa before and they are quite different to Fiestas. Also, like I said, I have been very out of my depth with this process and it feels terrifying to be parting with such a large sum of cash (almost half my savings) when I don't really feel 100% sure and secure with what I am buying. My mum has told the details of the car to her mechanic friend though and he says it sounds good. Plus, it is coming with a four month parts guarantee and I get a 28 day trial period apparently, though I don't have that in writing. I'm sure everything will be fine... I hope everything will be fine! I can't wait until it is all over and I feel comfortable driving my new car. I think it will be a big adjustment... |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I went to the theatre with my family earlier. We saw West Side Story, which I love!  I'll be singing the songs for weeks now... but that's not a bad thing! I adore the music and have ever since I first saw the movie as a child. The movie may feel pretty dated now (though it's still awesome) but the music will always feel relevant -- it just doesn't age! Anyway, appalling accents aside, it was a great production. The actress playing Maria was especially good.I've had a tough day. Got a call from my care coordinator at 1pm saying, "Are you okay? What happened? Where were you?" Yeah, he'd been expecting me at 12pm and I thought my appointment was at 2pm. I apologised about a million times because I hate letting people down and I couldn't bear the thought of him being angry and maybe thinking badly of me. This is only the second time in my life that I have accidentally missed an appointment. I didn't cope well the first time it happened and I didn't cope with it today either. I cried to him on the phone!  I am such an organised and polite person that missing an appointment like this feels like a HUGE transgression to me. Anyway, he was fine with it and I think he was surprised at how upset I was. He even tried to comfort me in his own gruff way. He's not really the comforting type so I appreciated his effort all the more! I'm seeing him tomorrow now at 12.30pm. Now that I've calmed down about it though, I think it was probably his mistake. I don't make mistakes like that. That may sound somewhat arrogant but it is actually true. Perhaps I did this time though...I felt so angry at myself, among other things. I'd been gearing myself up for this appointment since last night. I was so anxious about it because the last time I was there I had a total meltdown and I really feel that I owe an apology to both my care coordinator and the receptionist who works there. I had planned out how I was going to handle that so not being able to do it was really frustrating. This afternoon I was supposed to be going to a garage with my mum to look at a car I may be buying, but we couldn't go. Yep, I am thinking about buying my second ever car. Eeeek. This feels bittersweet to me. It's exciting to be getting a new car but it is going to be so, so hard to get rid of my first car. My car is called Lemar and I have had him since November 2010, about a month after I passed my test. I still can't believe I have had my license for three and a half years! Passing my test was one of the happiest days of my life and I'm so glad I have a record of it in my first blog ("Invalid Entry" and "Invalid Entry" ). But yeah, saying goodbye to Lemar... I think there may be tears! He has been an absolutely AWESOME first car. But he is getting old and I will probably need to start paying money out on him soon... it is about time I start thinking about getting another one... *sigh*. Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to see the car tomorrow and the guy says he has gotten another two in that I may be interested in. It's kind of scary!Right now I am very stressed as I feel like I have overeaten. I feel like I have totally lost control of this area of my life. I can't even do my crazy, obsessive behaviour around food anymore, which might seem like a good thing, but it isn't. Those things are coping mechanisms and not being able to do them is causing me huge amounts of anxiety that I am struggling to deal with. I know this all probably doesn't make much sense, but it does in my world! I just want to feel in control again. |
| I miss my readers/commenters! (Is that a word?!) So sorry if I have done anything to offend or bore you etc! Some of my latest entries have been pretty crazy, even for me. I actually went to see my GP because I was getting very concerned about how I was acting. He is in agreement with me that I have probably been in withdrawal from the Citalopram. Hopefully I'm over the worst of that now. I should be. I'm starting my new medication on Thursday, which I feel very anxious about. My GP has been absolutely wonderful, going above and beyond the call of duty to help me and I don't know how I would have coped without him. Thank goodness for him and Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! . They have both helped me so much, whereas the mental health team has been completely letting me down. But this entry isn't about that... I have realised that I am a "harebrained scheme" kind of person. I come up with these mad and elaborate plans that are supposed to change my life and I follow them faithfully anywhere from a few days to months and months (sometimes years) on end, then totally abandon them either because I lose interest, get too depressed or get too disheartened. During my 27 years on planet earth I have wanted to be a vet, a surgeon, a GP, a psychologist, a neuroscientist, a conservation officer/ranger, an environmental education officer, a freelance writer, an animal behaviourist, a dietician, an ophthalmologist... and those are just the ones I can remember! Recently I have even considered doing a TEFL course and becoming a foreign language teacher...! I think a huge part of not being able to settle on any one thing is because I am terrified of committing to something in case it turns out to be a commitment to the wrong thing. This stems from feeling that I did the wrong degree. Gaining my degree took a large chunk of my life, time, money, effort, energy and sanity and although I graduated with a very good degree classification, it doesn't matter because it's in the wrong subject area. I hate to see it as a waste but sometimes it feels that way. I did get an awful lot out of it but on the whole, when I think back to my time at University I just feel full of regret and that is not a fun way to feel. What kills me more than anything is the thought that if I hadn't gotten depressed, and had just stuck to my original plan, I would probably be a vet by now. I was well on my way to becoming one -- I mean, by the time I was 15 I already had 4 years voluntary experience with the RSPCA. How many kids are that motivated and focused? If I hadn't gotten depressed, I would have stuck at chemistry and achieved the grade I needed to get into vet school. But I did get depressed and then more and more ill. I have come to the realisation that, right now, I am grieving for the life I should have had. I am grieving for that hard-working, compassionate, intelligent eleven year old who decided to volunteer for the RSPCA because she wanted to help animals and get experience working with them so she could become a vet. She was me but it doesn't feel that way. She got lost somewhere. Perhaps she died? Depression snuffed her out? I don't know. But I am grieving for her and for what could have been. I don't know if I can overcome this. Anyway, I feel like I need a time machine so I can try out everything I have ever wanted to do and then pick the best! Maybe my latest scheme should be to work on building a time machine... ?! Or perhaps I'll just continue to muddle through life in my grief-stricken state instead. That sounds more realistic! |
| I am not doing well. I am feeling very cut off from everything and everyone but I'm not motivated to do much about it beyond writing this blog entry. I should be going to my voluntary job tomorrow but I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I can even contact them to let them know I'm not coming. This doesn't bother me as much as it should. I could blog about my current mental state but I can't be bothered. I'm getting poetry out of it though:
Yay for mental breakdowns feeding creativity! I'm trying to remain active on WDC and am making my way through my reviews for "Invalid Item" . This is slow, hard work! I wish reviewing was an easier process for me. I am enjoying reading the entries though and have completed 2 out of 9 reviews. I haven't released them yet as I am feeling kind of nervous about them. I might write them all and then release them together. Life is strange. Life is hard. I'm wondering if it is worth the effort. I'm going to the theatre with my family on Wednesday though. And I've signed up to a yoga class. Life is full of small banalities. I know I'm not living. I am just existing... everything is rather pointless right now and I am in the weirdest mood. I want some normality back! |
| Why Not Smile? by REM The concrete broke your fall to hear you speak of it I'd have done anything I would do anything I feel like a cartoon brick wall to hear you speak of it you've been so sad it makes me worry why not smile? you've been sad for a while. why not smile? I would do anything to hear you speak of it. why not smile? you've been sad for a while. you've been sad for a while. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] This song... This life... I have no words anymore. |
| I meant to enter the "The Writer's Cramp" yesterday as there was a prompt about phobias that I found interesting, but I just didn't get round to it. So I am going to blog about phobias instead and attempt to earn a psychology merit badge in the latest challenge at the "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" . I have three phobias. One, Claustrophobia, is very common whereas I don't think the other two are quite so well known: Pseudodysphagia and Emetophobia. Claustrobphobia is, of course, a fear of small or enclosed spaces or the fear of not being able to escape from an enclosed space. I have no idea why I developed this phobia but I can very clearly remembering discovering I have it! I was about thirteen years old, I believe, and on a school trip where we had the opportunity to do adventure activities such as rafting and abseiling etc. I have no problems with water or heights, so those things were fine, but one day was dedicated to potholing. Before we went the instructor asked if anyone was afraid of small spaces and I said I wasn't afraid, exactly, but I was nervous about doing it. I don't know why I had that anxiety but I strongly felt I didn't want to go underground. I have always prided myself on being a brave person though, so I swallowed my fear and agreed to go with everyone. So we entered a cave and I was nervous as hell, but it was manageable. Then we got deeper and deeper and my anxiety starting rising and rising. We got to a spot where we needed to crawl and slide through a narrow channel and I am kind of ashamed to say I freaked out. And I mean Freaked Out, capital "F", capital "O"! It was pure panic and I was crying and shaking. The instructor said I could go round a longer route with my teacher to avoid the channel but I couldn't bear the thought of being in there longer than necessary and I was too scared to leave the experienced instructor. So I forced myself into the channel and then I freaked out all over again. The instructor had to grab my hands and pull me through because I literally couldn't move as I was so scared. I now understand the phrase "scared stiff". Coming out of that cave was one of the best feelings in the world. When I saw light, I ran towards to it and breathed in the fresh air. I have never felt such sweet relief! After this experience I became very afraid of any kind of enclosed space -- I couldn't get in a lift (elevator) for example, and I would get panicky in crowds. That has settled down to a certain extent now but I still get a tight feeling in my chest if I feel too enclosed somewhere. I hate having not mastered a fear though and I am determined to go potholing again one day and face up to this phobia. That's just the kind of person I am! I have to prove to myself I can do it and not be a baby about it! As for my other phobias, Pseudodysphagia is a fear of choking and I remember what triggered this. I was a small child when I heard my mum choking in the kitchen. She was coughing so much and I felt utterly helpless. I thought she was dying and I didn't have a clue what do. I was absolutely terrified. Thankfully she was okay but after that I developed a fear of choking, which still affects me now. I get so anxious if anyone has a coughing fit around me that I feel paralysed with fear. Also, for a very long time I couldn't swallow pills and tablets because I was afraid of choking on them. I can swallow small tablets now though, thanks to a tip from Mark, but the big ones are still a problem and I often have to ask for my medication to be prescribed in liquid form. I plan on working to overcome this phobia at some point. I would like to take a first aid course so I can learn what to do if someone is choking. I think feeling prepared for this will help me to feel less fearful of it. That should help with my fear of other people choking, but I'm not sure how to conquer my fear of me choking. The third phobia I have, Emetophobia, is an irrational fear of anything pertaining to vomit. For me, I am terrified of vomiting and actually haven't been sick in well over ten years. I don't know why I developed this phobia. I'm wondering if it is anything to do with when I had appendicitis and the whole trauma I experienced back then, but I'm not sure. There have been times over the years where I have needed to throw up but have literally not allowed myself to because I'm too scared of it! I've even tried telling myself I'll feel better if I just do it and get it over with and that being sick would be preferable to hours of nausea, but that doesn't work. You know what... I can't blog about this one anymore because it is making me feel nauseous and that is making me too anxious! The subject of phobias if very fascinating and I like learning about them. It is interesting to me how the mind can go so wrong. I am lucky that my phobias are mostly pretty manageable. I can have days where they don't affect me at all but I know for some people, their phobia is actually debilitating on a regular basis. If anyone reading this has a phobia, please feel free to tell me about it in the comment section. |
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