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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Hi WDC, remember me?!  Just thought I'd stop by and say hello! Wow, I miss this place. I am hoping to start blogging again soon though and maybe, just maybe, getting back into poetry too. I miss that part of my identity. So much has happened in my life since I last blogged (over 3 months ago!  ) I kind of want to write about it, but not now. Maybe over the next few days. I hope all the people I care about are still around and willing to accept me back into the community!  Wow, this feels weird... ! |
| Wow, I haven't blogged since October 13th, apparently. Life has been very difficult recently and I am struggling. Work in particular has been very hard as the ward has several extremely challenging people on it, including one person who is on a constant 1:1, and three other people who are a step away from being on a 1:1 and practically need that level of care anyway. It is too much. I can't remember the last time I got a full break or left on time. I am exhausted, stressed and anxious. My attendance at work is being monitored at the moment because I have been off sick too much according to my employer, so I have been pushing and pushing myself to keep going, even though I have felt myself going down for a while now, but today I reached breaking point. I have run myself into the ground. I could force myself to go in today, and my employer expects me to, but I'm not safe to work. It would be detrimental to me, and possibly detrimental to the people I am supposed to support and care for. So they can invoke the next stage of the managing sickness absence policy if they wish, but I am contacting my union tomorrow for advice on this whole situation. I strongly believe I am fit to do my job, but I am not fit to keep working over my contracted hours with very little or no break. Nobody is. Those hours, in the type of environment I work in, are absolutely insane. I am not the only one struggling at the moment -- a lot of my colleagues have been off sick too. We are struggling but the management are just watching us push and push ourselves to breaking point and are not doing anything about it. How can exhausted and stressed staff provide safe, effective care? It is impossible. I am struggling with my Master's degree too. I am not enjoying the course, unfortunately, and feel it is badly run. As work has been so difficult and exhausting, I have not been able to dedicate as much time to my studies as I would like and I don't feel like I'm doing very well. I've only submitted one assignment so far, and haven't had my grade back yet, so I don't really know how I'm doing, but I feel it will be a miracle if I get a good grade! Oh well. I think I really need to think about my work-study-life balance and see if I can make some changes. For the first time since working in my job I feel like I really want to move on. I love the job, I love the team, but I can't keep working in these conditions. I don't know what my options are when it comes to getting a new job seeing as I've had a lot of absences, but I am going to start looking into getting a new one. I think something closer to home and community-based would suit me fine. I am tired of working in an inpatient setting. It is far too anxiety-provoking. And I am tired of my commute. I am just tired, tired, tired. I don't know what to do, to be honest. |
| I'm a pretty terrible member at the moment, aren't I?! Sometimes I think I should close my account here, but I think I'd regret that. I hope one day soon I'll achieve enough balance in my life to find time for WDC again, and that something, anything, will spark my creativity and get me writing poetry again. I can't believe how long it has been, but I shouldn't dwell on that because it will get me down... I've been so crazy busy! I moved into my new place on October 1st and I can't even describe how much of a relief it is to have left that stinky, mouldy dump. I didn't realise just how much of an impact it was having on me until I got out and I'm so, so glad that period of my life is over. I've been concentrating on getting my new flat looking perfect, and it's nearly there. I'm so pleased with it! Work has been going fantastic! I feel super confident at work, and I know I'm doing a good job. I've had amazing feedback from my managers, and even the consultant psychiatrist has made a comment about the quality of my work. But even better than that, I'm making real connections with patients. I've been working so hard to improve my interactions with service-users and it is truly paying off. And... I'm feeling a lot more relaxed around my colleagues and am starting to let my real personality show. I think people are surprised that I have a good sense of humour and can have fun. I'm not the tense, anxious, timid person anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still have my anxious moments, but on the whole I am pleased with how work is going. More than pleased! I love who I am becoming at work... I just wish I could be more like that at other times too! Unfortunately I've had to let my course slip a bit because I needed to get the move out of the way. Plus, after everything that happened in my old house, I think I've just really needed to take time to focus on getting my new place sorted and becoming settled here. I was starting to get very anxious about how behind I've gotten, and then I started avoiding it, which isn't like me, but today I made myself do some and I think it's going to be okay. I think I will be able to catch up and once I am studying regularly, I know I'm going to enjoy it. Psychology is my passion, so how can I not love it?! I've been going to my therapy appointments regularly and I really love my psychologist. She is compassionate and patient, and she seriously knows her shit. The sessions have been incredibly tough and I have been struggling, but... I think something may have clicked for me tonight. This is the main reason I wanted to blog, actually, because I want a record of this moment! One of the major features of my Body Dysmorphic Disorder is checking and scrutinising my appearance a lot in the mirror and thinking negative things about the way I look. Well, from about 7pm tonight I have been actively resisting looking in the mirror, and then using techniques I've been learning in therapy to help me deal with the anxiety that is arising from not doing my usual behaviour. This is huge. HUGE. If I can keep this up, then I may have cracked it. Obviously I can't go my whole life without looking in a mirror, so my plan is to restrict myself to doing it only when necessary, and forcing myself to make at least one positive comment about the way I look. And if the comments become negative, then I'm going to force myself to move away and think about something else. This feels like a turning point for me and I am extremely emotional about it. If I'm right, then my life changed for the better at 7pm on the 13th of October, 2016! How amazing! And, hey, yesterday was my 1 year work anniversary! So I think every year from now on I'm going to have a little celebration on the 12th and 13th of October because both mark life-changing moments for me. Seriously! I still have a long way to go with my recovery, but I feel like I'm actually in recovery now, and that my quality of life is going to improve. I've taken a huge step forwards tonight and it feels incredible.  |
| Wow, I haven't blogged for over two weeks but soooooooo much has been going on! The big news, though, is that I'm moving again! Hopefully next week, but definitely within the next two weeks. The situation with where I'm living has become unbearable. I was told by the landlady that work on the house would commence "within 48 hours" of her instructing her contractor to do it, and she asked me to give her 48 hours to do that. She made it sound like she was making it a priority and that the work would be done within the following week, and like a fool I believed her. But this very quickly changed to "the end of September" and then "early October". I kept telling myself, "it's okay, I can deal with it, I can wait" but then my shower broke. It broke on the 4th, and they didn't get anyone out to see it until the 9th. I was then told I would need a new shower, so they could not sort it there and then. I didn't hear from the letting agency about when it would be replaced, so called them. I had to keep pestering them, until the landlady called me herself to say it would be fixed on the 23rd. This was the last straw for me! I pointed out that I am living in a damp, disgusting house that makes my hair and clothes smell musty, and now I can't even shower! I also pointed out that by the 23rd I would have been almost 3 weeks without a shower and that this is not acceptable. But her attitude was basically, what do you want me to do about it? She said she couldn't get anyone in sooner, which is a lie. So she might not be able to get her preferred contractor in sooner, but there must be somebody available who could do it before the 23rd. If I was a landlady I absolutely wouldn't hesitate to pay out a little extra to get something like that fixed as quickly as possible. It's hugely inconvenient to not have a shower! I've had to go to my mum's every day to shower there, which is ridiculous! I was so frustrated and upset by this situation that I text the landlady to ask if she would consider mutually surrendering our tenancy agreement, and thankfully she has agreed to this. So I started immediately looking for somewhere else and had a bit of a meltdown because there really isn't much available at the moment. Then my mum said she has a colleague who is looking for a new tenant for the flat she owns, and set up a viewing for me. I didn't think it would happen because someone else they both work with had arranged to view it too, and was going to see it before me. But... thankfully he cancelled, so I got to see it first, and I absolutely love it! It's a first floor flat, but in it's own little standalone building. This means I don't have to share an entrance hall with anyone, and also there are no flats above, so I don't need to worry about noisy neighbours! I was stood in this beautiful, warm, clean flat and I knew I was going to take it. And as soon as I said it out loud, this massive wave of relief flooded through me. I actually cried tears of relief and I realised just how stressed I have been living where I am, and just how much of an impact it has had on my health. Initially I was told it would be available on October 1st, but there is a possibility I could move in as soon as September 24th. It's going to be a lot of stress and hassle to move again, but it will be worth it. I just can't wait to stop smelling musty, and this week I plan to wash all my clothes and store them at my mum's house so they will be all fresh and clean for moving to my new place. I then plan to pursue getting a huge portion of my rent back, plus compensation for the stress and inconvenience I have endured since moving here. It's such a shame that things haven't worked out here, because it is a lovely house. I feel sad, but mostly I'm just relieved that this ordeal is almost over. And I feel so happy that I will no longer have to deal with a letting agency, and that my new landlady is someone who works with my mum. Her previous tenants have lived in the flat for 18 months and have been very happy there. They're only moving because they've had a baby and now need more space. So things are finally, finally starting to look up and I can't wait to get settled into my new place!  |
| I read an article a short while ago about a poll which has found that a fifth of UK parents regret the name they chose for their child/children (bit of a dubious poll, to be honest, but still interesting!) I don’t have children yet, but would like to in the future, and seriously hope I won’t ever end up regretting the names I choose! I wonder what it is like to mess up something so important! I’m interested in names, and how people choose them. My parents chose traditional names for my siblings and me, and our middle names were all chosen for particular reasons. I think the names are kind of dull, but they all go well together! I don’t feel any connection to my first name (which is Jessica) and I find it a bit odd to think that is my name, but I don’t hate it or anything! I get called Jess or Jessica pretty equally but don’t think either suits me. I don’t really know what name would suit me, to be honest! Maybe Rebecca? Or Gemma? I’m not sure! Don’t ever call me Jessie though! I don’t like that! I wonder what it is like to really hate your name! My Nan’s middle name was Emily and she absolutely loathed it for some reason. I actually think Emily is a really pretty name. It’s funny that a name can sound so lovely to one person, and so horrible to another! I have always loved the name Lucy and I think if I had a daughter I would be highly likely to call her that. But more recently I have loved the name Kiera, as well, so that is a strong contender. Other names I like are Rosie, Sophie, Amy and Jasmine. I kind of hope I never have sons because I can’t think of any boys’ names that I love as much as the girls’ names I’ve mentioned! I think Joseph is nice, and Leo. I like Ashley for a boy too. But there are none that really strike me as being perfect for my child, not like Lucy or Kiera! Hopefully I’ll end up having two girls and then I can use both of my favourite names! I think the names writers choose for their characters is interesting. I love the Harry Potter series because of the fantastic names that are often closely linked to the characters' personalities. I’ve only written a handful of short stories and tend to go with the first names that come to me, because they tend to just feel right. The title character in my story, "Invalid Item" , had that name right from the beginning. In fact, I thought up the character, complete with name, before I even thought up the story. I have no idea why she is called Elspeth. I don’t even like that name much but that’s just what she’s called! Nothing else would fit. In "Invalid Item" , again, the characters just came to me with those names! I kind of like that the conventional Daniel has a rather conventional name, whereas his more gregarious wife has a slightly more exotic name: Clara. With "Invalid Item" , too, the characters came complete with names. Mrs Cook is a sweet, older woman, who I imagine gets called Mrs Cook by everybody, even her husband! I don’t even know her first name, to be honest! And William could only be William. No other name fits him.It’s such an interesting subject and I wonder if there is a link between a person’s name and their personality? That would be fascinating to find out! I’d love to hear from people about anything from this entry: do you regret your child’s name? Do you like your own name? Do you put much thought in to what your characters are called? Do you think your name has helped to shape your personality? Are there any names you really love? Etc, etc! Please feel free to leave a comment! |
| Blog City Prompt: Can writing aspire to be a form of activism? Do you think authors and poets have a duty to address political, economic and social issues? Yes, and yes! Writing can absolutely be a form of activism and I think writers should use their skills to address political, economic and social issues. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am passionate about improving mental health care and services, and I use my blog frequently to highlight issues around this subject. In the past, when I was writing more creatively, I have used my poetry for this too, and to raise awareness about mental health problems. Now I realise I’m doing all of this on a pretty small scale, but if I can make just one person more aware about this subject, or help just one person to not feel alone if they are struggling, then I think it’s worth it! And if I can make someone think, that's not right, what can I do to help change it?, then that's downright fantastic! Anyway, this prompt is related to something else I am dealing with right now. I’m not sure I blogged about this, or least not in detail, but my absences from work are becoming a bit of a problem and I was told that they may need to start managing it more formally than they have been doing. When I went in for a meeting with my manager to discuss returning to work I was given a copy of the sickness and absence policy and told that my score on the “Bradford Factor” – the system used to monitor absences – is over 700, when the trigger for a “cause for concern” is 200. Hearing this was obviously very worrying for me and I have been hugely depressed and anxious about it. However, I’m a problem-solver, so as well as feeling stressed about the whole situation, I’ve also been trying to find a way to make it less stressful! I did some research on the Bradford Factor and learned that this system unfairly penalises people with certain health conditions and disabilities, including mental health problems. Some more reading around this lead me to an ACAS document, which says this: “Managing sickness absence so employers do not discriminate against disabled employees is a contentious area where legal opinions can differ. This is particularly so over ‘absence triggers’. These are the number of days’ absence when managers consider warnings, and possibly dismissal, unless attendance at work improves. An employment tribunal may expect an employer to have modified its ‘absence triggers’, if that would have been a ‘reasonable adjustment’ in the particular circumstances of the individual case. What is ‘reasonable’ can depend on the alteration being sought by the disabled employee for an illness linked to their disability.” (http://www.acas.org.uk/media/pdf/o/t/Disability-discrimination-key-points-for-th...) This then lead me back to the whole “disability leave” thing that I know I have blogged about before. I got in touch with my union and was disappointed to learn that the rep for my local branch has not even heard of disability leave. However, she agreed to meet with me to talk me through the sickness policy, and to also discuss how she could support me in future meetings with my manager and HR regarding my absences. I met with her today and it was an incredibly positive meeting! I showed her some factsheets I have printed out about disability leave, plus the acas document and she was pretty impressed. She read through the stuff and said it’s “very interesting”. She said she should be able to support me to negotiate different “absence trigger points” and “disability leave” as reasonable adjustments. The managers could potentially come back and say these are unreasonable adjustments, but they would have to demonstrate why. Just because I have union support doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, but I think having the union behind me will help a lot. But… there’s more! She’s going to get in touch with the larger, London-based branch that my NHS trust falls under as well and see if they will take this up on a larger scale. Now, I’m not getting my hopes up, but a trust-wide disability policy could end up being developed and implemented as a result of this… because of me! ME!!! I think this could happen because the Trust I work for are very forward-thinking and hugely into equality and staff wellbeing etc, so I think they will see this very positively. I asked if there is anything else I can do to help and she said she will pass my name onto the bigger branch when she raises this with them. She said there may be a possibility of me becoming a disability rep in the future, if I want to get more involved. I know it would be extra work, but I really do want to get involved, because this is something I feel passionately about! Anyway… there’s even more! All of this has given me a rather awesome idea! At work we have this champions system, where different people take on a role to champion certain aspects of patient care, for example we have a care plan champion, and a safeguarding champion. Well, I think we should have a staff wellbeing champion because happy and healthy staff provide better, more effective, safer care. I am going to suggest this to my manager tomorrow when I go back to work, and put myself forward for the role. I think he’s going to love this because he’s always wanting us to come up with ideas to improve services and to show that we are a creative-thinking and innovative team. I would need a bit of guidance on getting started, but I already have some ideas, such as a questionnaire to ascertain staff stress levels, a folder of resources related to wellbeing and managing stress, some kind of monitoring system to see how often people are missing their breaks or staying late so that management are aware this is happening a lot and can then work to do something about it. I'm sure there is a lot more I could do! ARGH! I think this could be really positive and I need to have the courage to stick with it and see it through. I will see what my manager says tomorrow, but hopefully he will get on board. And hopefully he will be impressed too, and see that I am somebody worth having in the team. Please wish me luck! So to link this all back to the prompt, I have used this blog entry to raise awareness about disability discrimination in the workplace – a massive social issue – and if somebody reads this and thinks, I could make use of this in my workplace or they pass the information on to someone else who could benefit from it, then that’s proof that writing can be used as a form of activism, isn’t it? |
| My sister is thinking of doing some kind of course to do with web design and/or graphic design. This is quite a big deal because she is not even the least bit academic and has also spent many years not knowing what she wants to do career-wise. She has done a lot of jobs that she gets no satisfaction from and has kind of been drifting, really, when it comes work. I'm fascinated by the world of employment and think I would make an awesome recruitment officer or careers adviser, or something like that. Even though I have been employed since early 2015, I continue to receive job alerts by email everyday because I love to read the job descriptions and person specifications. I also job search on a regular basis even though I have no intention of leaving my job any time soon! Am I weird? I just really love all that stuff. I feel like I have helped my sister get to this point because for the last year and a half I have gone on and on about how she needs to discover her passion and then she'll be set. I've used myself as an example and told her that my first degree felt like a slog, because I had no passion for the subject, but my psychology course was incredibly enjoyable and did not feel like work most of the time. This is because I am passionate about psychology! I have also been telling her how great it is to be working towards a career I think I will find hugely rewarding and interesting. I think she became inspired by this because she asked me to help her figure out what to do with her life. She identified that she does well if she can learn a specific trade or skill, for example, she used to work on a copy and print centre, and more recently has been working as an embroiderer. She has a slight interest in midwifery, though feels she is a bit too squeamish to become a midwife. I therefore initially focused on healthcare professions such as sonography or radiography. She seemed mildly interested in these, but I could tell they were not the right fit for her. I then went to down the historical/cultural heritage/museum route because she has some interest in history, however this felt a bit too academic and therefore was not suitable. We were both at a bit of a loss for a while and then I noticed that she was spending hours on computer projects, such as making a logo for her boyfriend's game thing (not too sure what it was, exactly!) and stuff like that. I observed that she was completely absorbed in these projects and pointed this out to her. I told her I suspected this was her passion, and she agreed! Since then has been researching graphic and web design courses. I'm so happy for her! She has been off sick from work for a few months now due to complications from a chest infection and had been feeling pretty depressed and worried about the future, but now she seems motivated and excited, which is awesome to see. She is even considering doing a degree, which I think would be really good for her, and boost her confidence. I think she sees herself as the "dumb one" of the siblings because my brother and I have always done better academically, but she is not dumb at all. I think she just wasn't that interested in applying herself at school! I think she could do well studying a subject she is truly interested in. Anyway, I think she is hoping to start a course as soon as possible, which would be good, because then she and I can be study buddies seeing as I'm starting my MSc in just over three week's time. I can't believe I'm going to be a Master's student so soon. That's such a scary thought! I know my sister feels bad about doing things in an unconventional way, and I can truly relate. I think we both would have liked to have studied and established our careers in our early to mid-twenties, then bought a house, gotten married and had children in our late twenties, but things just haven't worked out that way for either of us. I'm trying to be okay with it, but sometimes it does get me down, and I know it gets to my sister too. But I think things happen for a reason and I'm hoping that my sister and I will both achieve what we want in the next few years. Maybe we have to be in our thirties before feeling happy, content and settled, but hopefully if we do reach our goals, we'll appreciate what we have all the more after having to work so hard to get it. My sister is my best friend and it would make me happy to see her happy. And because this entry is all about my sister, here is a poem I wrote about her many years again. It's incredibly corny but it was written from the heart!
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| My mum, sister and I have been watching Grey’s Anatomy (we’re only on season five, so no spoilers please!) and tonight saw two interesting episodes. The first one raised the issue of animal-testing. I know this is not a black and white area, but I’m the person who often cries (and always feels emotional) when she sees roadkill. And I’m the person who carries a torch if she’s going to be home late because the path to her door seems to be a party place for snails and slugs and she can’t bear the thought of crunching or squishing any of them underfoot. And I’m the person who, when faced with what can only be described as a plague of moths, flies and spiders in her house, carefully captured each one in turn and released it outside, no matter how long it took. So I guess it’s pretty obvious where I stand on animal-testing. Do I think it is okay to use other species so my own can gain? No I do not. And yet I eat dairy (a bit) and wear wool and keep pets and take medicines that have probably been tested on animals. Those things create disharmony in my soul but I’m not yet ready to be a fully-fledged vegan… I know I would fail if I tried right now. And I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to not have pets, but maybe that’s okay, because the relationship between humans and domesticated animals is often mutually beneficial. And I probably won’t stop benefiting from medical science because I want to stay well…  This whole subject is a minefield for me (for all of us!) and I need to figure out where I really stand with it all… but not right now… not when I am mentally fragile and trying to get my life to make sense again. That episode upset me a lot, though.The second episode featured a character with Asperger Syndrome. This character also happened to be a top-rate heart surgeon. I love it when TV shows show that people with Autism Spectrum Conditions can lead successful lives. The same goes for mental health conditions. There is an awesome character in the TV show Scrubs who is a brilliant surgeon, and also happens to have OCD. It reminds me that people can and do overcome massive obstacles to achieve their goals. It gives me hope that I will one day be a Clinical Psychologist. But anyway, I liked the character in Grey’s Anatomy. She found it difficult to make eye contact, she had a tense, awkward manner, she had an obsessive interest and only seemed at ease when talking about this, and she found the idea of breaking a rule difficult. This is all stereotypical stuff when it comes to autism! However, she also recognised that another character had manipulated her, and was hurt by this. I really like how the writers handled that and showed that a person on the Autism Spectrum isn’t an emotionless robot who is unable to process any of the social behaviour going on around them. Urgh… I have more to say on this subject but I’m tired and it’s not coming out right. I need to go to bed soon as I’m going in to work tomorrow to speak to my manager about going back next week. I think I’ll try to continue this blog entry another day! |
| Everything suddenly seems to be moving forward for me! The landlady has been to the house and agrees that it smells "off". She used the word, "musky" whereas I think she meant "musty", which is how I think it smells! I hope she didn't mean it smells of musk because I wear white musk scent! Haha! But that's a nice smell. Anyway. she wants to replace the kitchen and the bathroom!!!!! Can you believe it?! I'm a little in shock. I think she's a bit foolish for taking such drastic measures without consulting a damp/mould expert, but it's her house and I'm certainly up for having a brand new kitchen and bathroom! I just hope it helps. I think it should do seeing as the worst odours are in the kitchen and bathroom. She said she would be in touch with me within 48 hours and is hoping to get the kitchen re-done within 48 hours of instructing her work person. She then wants to get the bathroom done the week after. Fingers crossed this all works out and I can be happy living there for the rest of my tenancy. Another thing that has happened today is that a letter has arrived from my university. Enrolment opens on Monday and they have asked me to send back a form stating my chosen optional module unit, which will be studied in the second term. I had a choice of Educational Psychology, Forensic Psychology and Conceptual and Historical Issues in Psychology. I'm studying part-time over two years so only needed to choose one module for now, and I have decided to go with Educational Psychology for three reasons. The first reason is that it is assessed by a report rather than an essay. I am better at and feel more confident with writing reports than I do essays! The second reason is because in the first term I will be studying a module called Fundamentals of Social and Developmental Psychology, and I think Educational Psychology will follow on very nicely from that, and that there will be lots of connections between the educational and developmental aspects of psychology. I actually think it's a smart move to study those modules one after the other! The third reason is that Educational Psychology is a viable career path seeing as the training is salaried in the same way as Clinical Psychology. I really don't much about Educational Psychology at all and so it would be a good idea to gain a little knowledge on the subject and I may end up really enjoying it and then might have two potential career pathways after graduating, not just one. Exciting! I don't have to pick a second option until next year but I'm leaning more towards Conceptual and Historical Issues in Psychology, even though it is assessed by an essay assignment. I just think it sounds fascinating, and I'm not all that interested in forensic psychology, to be honest. But I shall see! They might even have new units by 2017! I'm soooooooo overwhelmed by everything right now, to be honest. I had a horrific night last night and ended up cutting myself pretty badly, but today has shown me that things are changing, and hopefully for the better. I am terrified at the thought of studying for a Master's degree. TERRIFIED! But I have to go for it. I can't quite believe I'm going to be studying for a psychology degree eleven years after ruling it out because I didn't believe I could work in mental health. I have always regretted choosing biology over psychology and I never thought I would be able to get a psychology degree but then in 2014 I discovered that conversion courses exist. That was a lifeline for me! Now I am following my heart and my passion. Psychology has been my passion since I began studying it at sixteen, and got the top grade for my A Level two years later. I can't change the past and the decision I made all those years ago but maybe there's a reason I didn't study psychology back then. I think I had to go through all this mental health crap to make me realise just how much I want to work with people and make a difference in the field of mental health. Who knows? My therapist asked me in a recent session to name one good thing about myself and I said, "I'm brave". When she asked why I said, "because I do everything that scares me". It's true. I always face my fears, and I'm proud of that. It's terrifying to be embarking on master's level study, but it's exciting too, and I am finally, FINALLY on the right path. I can just feel it! |
| I am sorry that I am not responding to people's emails and comments at the moment. I feel so rude. I'm not usually a rude person. In fact, I'm usually ultra polite. Also, I know I have a couple of friends on here who are really struggling right now, and I am so, so sorry I'm being a crappy friend. Please know you are in my thoughts, because that's literally all I'm capable of right now. As soon as I can do more, I will. Please know I am doing my best because... ... because... tonight alone I have considered eight different methods of self-harm... two of them almost certainly fatal, three of them potentially fatal, and the other three risky enough to cause me serious harm. That's what I'm dealing with right now. I don't think my mental health has ever been so bad. I'm pretty sure I should be in hospital but if I go to A&E and they say that bullshit again about how "if I act on my thoughts I am making a conscious decision", then I think that will push me over the edge. Also, I know that if I do get admitted to hospital my house will still be mouldy when I come out, and I will still be off sick from work, and my mum and sister will still be ill and stressed, and my dog will still be agoraphobic, and everything that is tough about my life will be there waiting for me, just as tough as it was before I went into hospital. I am working so hard to fight my self-harm urges because I want to get through my therapy, and I want to start my master's degree in September, and I want to maybe buy a house in 6-12 months' time. I want to FUCKING GET THROUGH THIS and become a kick-arse Clinical Psychologist who can help people as fucked up as I am right now because I know what it is like to be dangling by your fingertips from the edge. I don't know how I can still have some kind of hope when I feel THIS bad, but somehow it is there. So maybe I am safe, though I don't think I have ever felt as unsafe as I do right now. This is all so messed up. Hopefully I will feel more stable tomorrow. Sorry again. |
| After feeling hopeful and almost looking forward to my therapy session, it turned out to be rather excruciating for several reasons. The main thing was that I am using a notebook to do my homework for this therapy, and I am using the same notebook to record notes from the session, and also any thoughts/worries/issues I have that I want to try to raise in therapy... stuff like that etc. The psychologist works really, really fast and apparently I wasn't writing quickly enough because she asked if she could take over. I turned to a blank page and handed it over to her. We continued the session, with her mostly talking and writing, and then she started flicking back through my notebook! She was flicking through MY notebook. My PRIVATE notebook! We were sitting close enough that I could reach over to close it, which was my instinctive reaction and she immediately realised that she'd transgressed, though I don't think she fully appreciates the magnitude of her transgression, and just how much of a violation this feels to me. She apologised straight away and asked if she'd embarrassed me, to which I said yes. She then said she'd seen that I've been recording whether or not I've done the breathing and muscle relaxation exercises and asked if I would share this with her. I WAS going to share it with her, but felt unable to in that moment (I guess because she'd almost taken my choice to share it out of my control) and so I said no. She said please and that I was a "star" for recording it like that, but I still felt unable to, and she asked again if she'd embarrassed me. Yes she'd embarrassed me! I don't know what else she saw and I have recorded private things in that notebook! That is very embarrassing to me. But it's not just that. Throughout my entire life I have had people disrespect my privacy and dignity, and also violate my boundaries and now she has just done that too. Seeing as she is someone I am trying very hard to trust and am wanting to help me, it feels pretty upsetting. She moved on after apologising again, but I still felt upset and unfortunately it made me feel rather irritable and guarded, which is how my sessions with mental health professionals often feel. I'm hoping this is just a one off because I want to go back to liking her and feeling hopeful that she can help me! I think it will come up again next time because even if she doesn't bring it up, I will be hesitant to hand her my notebook again! Am I overreacting? I'm guessing the majority of people on this site use notebooks and so I am wondering how others would feel if someone just started flicking through one of them without permission? I feel there is a certain etiquette around notebooks and I would never look through somebody else's without their express permission. I had handed it to her to write in, but surely that doesn't automatically give her permission to look through the previous pages? I don't think it does! ARGH!!!! Anyway, it also felt excruciating because, like I said above, she works really, really fast, and she was going too fast for me. I felt like my head was going to explode! I actually think on the whole that my mind is quite sharp and quick, but not when it comes to discussing thoughts and feelings. Due to Asperger Syndrome I have some processing issues and it can take me longer to identify thoughts and feelings than it might take other people. Thankfully I was eventually able to let her know that she was going too fast and she said we could slow down and go right back to the beginning. I hate the whole challenging thoughts thing in CBT because my thoughts are not painted in huge, neon letters on easily accessible placards in my head, unfortunately. Also, when she said, "what thoughts have been going through your head this week?" I was like    because I've probably had millions of thoughts go through my head in the past week, so how the fuck am I meant to deal with that question? That's Asperger Syndrome, for you! And I am smart enough to realise she doesn't mean every single thought, but still, I'm willing to bet a huge portion of my thoughts were negative and that it would take several hours, if not days, to go through them all. And while I might be able to narrow it down even more by thinking, "she probably means my most frequent negative thoughts" that doesn't help me much, because there are still a lot of those, and I don't know which ones to start with, and it's all so confusing and overwhelming. And because I was so confused and overwhelmed, and also still upset over the whole notebook fiasco, I wasn't able to explain any of this, though hopefully I will be able to next week. But this is when I can truly see that Asperger Syndrome is a disability. Yeah, it gives me a good memory and a superhuman ability to focus on tasks, but it also makes seemingly simple communication extremely fucking hard. (Sorry for the swear words but it's a swear word kind of day).  The third way it was excruciating is that I got in such an overwhelmed state over everything that by the end of the session I was reduced to a wreck of a person who couldn't do anything except clutch her head as if hoping to salvage something from the congealed mess that used to be her mind!!!!! Obviously my psychologist noticed that I was less than peachy and tried to explore this with me. I was able to say, "it's all a bit much" (understatement of the century!) and she said that's okay and that we can go slower and make it more simple from next week. This made me more upset because she has told me a number of times that our sessions are time-limited and we need to work hard within the specified time, blah, blah, blah. I just thought we're probably already going at snail's pace so how much are we going to accomplish within 12-14 sessions if we have to slow it down even more? Thankfully she was able to reassure me on this and said that there is pressure from management to work with me for 12-14 sessions, but she is not going to discharge me if I am not ready, as long as I am actually engaging with the therapy. So that has helped me to feel a little less pressured. But, ARRGGGHHHHH! I wish it had gone better! I wish my brain didn't feel like it has been hit over and over again with a cricket bat, and then smashed against the wall a couple of times for good measure. And I wish she hadn't flicked through my damn notebook!!!!! |
| I have spent about 90% of the day in bed. This kind of behaviour is very out of character for me because usually when I am depressed I will keep pushing myself to do more and more, and I won't stop even when I need to. I don't know why I'm like this at the moment, but it is getting really annoying. I just have no drive or motivation to do anything. I am not used to having no drive or motivation. Yesterday I had the second meeting with my manager. He asked, "how are you? Honestly?" And I said, "Honestly? I feel like crap". I had to tell him I can't come back yet. I think he was surprised because he thought I would be trying to convince him that I am okay and fit for work. I knew there was absolutely no point doing that because I'm not okay, and I can't even pretend that I am okay. So as hard as it was to admit, I told him I'm not well enough for work. He is fine with that. I have been signed off by the doctor until Sunday anyway. On Monday I have another appointment with the doctor, and I also have an appointment with occupational health. My manager wants me to call him after those appointments to update him and so we can discuss what happens next. Fingers crossed I am well enough to go back to work next week. Today I have slept a lot. I got up late, and then took 0.5 mg of Lorazepam, which made me sleepy, so I went back to bed. I had weird half-awake, half-asleep dreams about self-harming. I think lorazepam is messing me up right now! Maybe that is responsible for my low, low mood, and the bad dreams? I should stop taking it but right now I want to be sleeping because I can't face doing much else. Tomorrow I have another therapy appointment. Hopefully that will be positive and boost me up a bit. I have had a go at the homework the psychologist set me. I was supposed to practise controlled breathing and muscle relaxation for 4 minutes, seven times a day. I have tried really hard (honestly) but the most I have managed is four times a day for both. I haven't done any today. I hope she won't be annoyed. I have done my best. I was also supposed to look up "conditioning" and "social learning theory", which I have done briefly, though I could remember a bit about both from my psychology course anyway. That reminds me... I am starting my MSc in psychology next month and I suddenly feel very scared that I am not not going to be able to cope with it. I have to get a merit or above for it to be worth doing this degree, and I will of course be aiming for a distinction, which means I am going to have to work SUPER hard. And that's on top of continuing to work SUPER hard at my job (when I able to do it ). Right now I do not feel capable of doing a master's degree. I'm not even capable of doing my job. Hopefully things will be different next month though. They have to be, right?! I just feel so down and anxious right now. I am so worried about what kind of impact my absences from work will have on my future employment. I need to discuss this with occupational health next week. Last week I had a call from someone from the work programme asking me if I still worked for the company that support people with learning disabilities. I said no and she asked where do I work now. My response was, "I don't really want to tell you that". She asked why and I said, "Because I don't want anything to do with your company, to be honest". She told me she was not from my local office, but I didn't care either way and she ended up saying, "you really don't want to talk to me, do you?" and I said, "Nope!" She asked if she could email me the questions to respond to at my leisure and I said yes, but we both know I am not going to do that. I got a job DESPITE the work programme so I owe them nothing. Now they have no hold over me I don't have to have anything to do with them if I so choose, and I definitely choose not to have anything to do with them! It felt good to metaphorically slam the door on them! Anyway, here's hoping that tomorrow is a better, more productive day. It couldn't be any worse than today! |
| Tonight I am missing Jade way too much. I want to walk into the house and watch her rush over to greet me, then frantically search around for her toy so she can show it to me. She didn't want to play with people in moments like this, showing her toy was just part of her greeting, and she'd do this for anyone who came to the house! I miss that little quirk so much, and how she'd walk laps around the coffee table with her toy in her mouth, showing it to the new person each time she went by them! I want to take her for a walk and laugh as she rolls over and over again, along the full length of the grass verge, just for the fun of it, sometimes incorporating one of her awesome flying rolls. She always looked liked the happiest dog in the world on our walks and I've never known a dog love rolling as much she did! In her hey day she would do 40-50 on just one walk! And I would love to watch people watching her, because you could not watch her executing a flying roll without laughing! I want to play with her... one of our games such as "hide the toy" or "tug-of-war", and I want to see the excitement in her eyes as she realises we're going to have a game. I want to see her look happy as I get the dog treats out, and watch her sit, give high five, lay down and roll over on command. My Jadey was a smart girl! I want to lie down on the couch and have her snuggle into the nook created by my bent legs, her head resting on my thigh, and I want to fall asleep with the best nap buddy who ever lived! And I want to wake to find her clambering on top of me, attempting to lick my neck and face, so I can moan, "ew, stop it you stupid dog!" then hug her close, while shielding my face from her kisses. It has been 9 months since she died and not a day has gone by where I have not thought about her. Nine months ago I didn't just lose a pet, but my best friend and cherished member of my family too. Maybe to some it is weird that someone would grieve so much over a dog, but she was a part of my family for fifteen years. That girl saved my life because when I returned home from university I felt I had nothing to live for. Then I became the main person to care for her and she became my reason for living. She made me feel useful and needed. She was my world for such a long time. Now my world feels empty without her. I miss my fun, loving, adorable Jade. Bonnie and Toby are great, but they are not Jade. And I feel that Toby has bonded mostly with my sister, and Bonnie has bonded mostly with my mum, so I guess I feel a little left out. I think maybe I've found it hard to connect with them as much because Jade was so special to me. Of course my mum and sister loved her too, but I was her main carer. For years she slept in my room, and I took her on walks. And because I wasn't working, we spent a lot of time together. Now my mum and sister are not working due to illness, so both have more time than me to get to know Bonnie and Toby and spend time with them. We've only had them since February, so it is still early days. I want to be a better owner to them. But more than anything I want what I can't have. I want my Jade. I'd settle for just 1 day with her, or even 1 hour... or even 1 minute. I just want her so badly my heart hurts.  |
| I slept so badly last night and had the most horrific dream, which I seriously don't want to go into detail about, but it involved my sister dying. It was so vivid that I woke up sobbing and it took me a while to calm down. I then struggled to get back to sleep because I could not get an image from the dream out of my head and it was seriously distressing. I felt so exhausted and upset. I feel scared to go to sleep now in case I have another night like that. I don't usually dream (or at least I hardly ever remember them) but I have been getting nightmares recently. When Mark was last here I woke myself up by shouting out because of a nightmare (and woke poor Mark too!) I can't actually remember what I was dreaming, but when I woke I felt so scared and I think I shouted, "Get off me! Get off me!" though I'm not 100% sure on that. The feeling of fear was so strong though. I came to realise after Jade died how unsafe I feel much of the time for various reasons, and this is something my psychologist has picked up on from my assessment, and also through reading past notes (because she actually read them... all of them). She is hopefully going to help me tackle this in therapy but it kind of sucks that sleep is becoming unsafe now too, because until recently sleep has been a bit of a refuge from all the crap going on in my life, and I have been able to sleep pretty well thanks to my medication. I don't want to be afraid to sleep. Anyway, moving on. Yesterday I called the Housing Advice Line and they have told me a few things that might be helpful to my current situation, but said this can be a tricky thing to deal with, and it can be a long process. My mum and sister were over today and I had a bit of a meltdown, and we then decided to go to the letting agency to speak to them in person. My mum thought it would be helpful for them to see how much this impacting on me. So I went and finished off my meltdown in their office! The guy I spoke to was very sympathetic. I felt a bit sorry for him because he was very young and seemed out of his depth dealing with an emotional, crying woman(!) but he said he would make some calls and get back to me. As we were driving back to the house he phoned and asked if he could come and take pictures of the mould. So he came and took photos of it in the bathroom. It is not visible in the kitchen because it's behind the units (I believe), but he could certainly smell it and he reacted in a suitably shocked manner to the conditions! He said he would try to get somebody to come out tomorrow but wasn't sure if that would be possible due to it being Sunday, but said if not tomorrow, I would be hearing from them first thing Monday morning. I certainly hope he keeps his word on that. As he left he said, "I'm really sorry about this" and sounded genuine. So fingers crossed they take this seriously and actually do something about it. The Housing Advice people have said I may be able to get a rent reduction while the house is in disrepair, so I raised this idea today. I'm hardly using the whole of the downstairs of my house right now so why should I be paying such a huge amount of rent! Basically I'm renting a hugely expensive bedroom at the moment! Also on the Housing Advice website it says that it is sometimes possible to get compensation for any inconvenience caused. I'm definitely going to look into this because I have been driving to my mum's house every day to eat my meals due to not being able to cook or eat in my unhygienic kitchen, so that is definitely a major inconvenience! I feel so sad that this happening because this is my first real place and of course I want it to be perfect. In my self-pitying moments I can't help but ask, why is this happening? and what have I done to deserve this? I know it's not healthy to think like that so I am trying to keep a lid on those type of thoughts as much as possible! I also feel sad because I know my mum and sister are sad for me, and I don't want them to feel bad and stressed. So I feel sad that they feel sad that I'm sad! How sad is that, haha?! Tomorrow I would be working if my manager would let me, because I had a shift. I feel so down that I'm not working at the moment and I am meant to be meeting with him on Tuesday about going back, but I don't think he'll let me. I think he's going to make me take at least the whole two weeks the doctor has signed me off for. Deep down I know I am not fit to work right now, but it is hard to admit that to myself, or deal with. So I'm just feeling very sad and scared and distressed basically. Lorazepam is starting to look appealing again! However, one nice thing is that the Secret Squirrel ~SS~  has been visiting me, so that has been giving me a little boost. I love WDC! |
| ... because I went home (to my mum's) for a couple of hours and I could smell my damp-ridden, mouldy, disgusting house on my bag. I couldn't smell it on my hair, thankfully, as I only washed my hair yesterday, so the smell hasn't had time to permeate through it again. And I couldn't smell it on my clothes due to dousing them in perfume this morning. But I forgot to douse the damn bag, and so I could smell it on that. And it is driving me insane that my first house, that I am paying a huge amount of rent on from my low-paid job, that I work my arse off in when my managers actually allow me to do it (when I am semi-stable enough to, you know, be around people), has a damp problem that is making my allergies worse and causing me to consider ripping my brain out through my nostrils every time I catch a whiff of it (and that's not meant to be comical). Am I overreacting? I don't know. Should I send that very graphic sentence in an email to the letting agency so they'll truly understand the impact this is having on me and maybe make fixing it a fucking priority? I have no idea how the last tenants could stand to live in these conditions, though I strongly suspect they couldn't report it due to hardly speaking English. The landlady may have lucked out with them but she won't with me because I am not going to freaking shut up about it until she FIXES it. And if she doesn't fix it she'll have a much bigger problem to deal with because I am going to kill myself, and I should think the smell of a decomposing body is even harder to get rid of than the smell of damp. Maybe I should send that line to the letting agency!  Right now my urge to self-harm is very, very strong. I feel like overdosing on lorazepam and propranolol. And I feel like cutting so deep that I pass out from the pain. How the hell am I supposed to get myself stable when every time I smell that repulsive smell (which comes to me in waves through the air fresheners and potpourri and oil burners I am using to try and cover it) I go spiralling back into a crisis? It's insane, isn't it? I'm insane. Everything is fucking insane. And I realise I am freaking out right now and I will probably regret sharing this later, but this is a meltdown in all its glory. A full-on mental health crisis. Quite a spectacle, isn't it? I'm sick of being a spectacle. I just want to be dead. |
| I took 0.5 mg of Lorazepam this afternoon and it made me feel very tired and I needed to lie down, but I couldn't sleep. Therefore my body is adjusting to it and I will probably need 1 mg to get the same effects as before. I'm not willing to go down that route, to be honest, taking bigger and bigger doses and becoming more and more dependent on it, so maybe it's back to reality for me? Part of me still likes the idea of sleeping my life away, but I think another part of me is willing to give this recovery thing one more go... because I think my new psychologist actually knows her shit, and I think she might actually be able to help me. I met with her for the third time today and she let me read the report from our assessment that she is going to send to my GP. It was pretty long and outlines my current difficulties, things that have happened in my past to make me this way, some reasons for why past therapies have not worked, and a general plan for how she is going to help me and hopefully improve my quality of life. Some things that stood out to me from the report and this appointment are that the psychologist believes any number of diagnoses could fit me and that I certainly meet the criteria for a Body Dysmorphic Disorder diagnosis (I knew it! And have been saying this for over a year now. They really should have listened to me!) but she prefers not to focus on any diagnoses and takes a holistic approach to treatment instead (sounds wonderful to me!) Another thing is that she can see it is not my fault that therapy has failed in the past (after years of being told I don't engage well and I'm not trying to get better I feel vindicated!) She thinks other therapists have been working with me in a fragmented way, rather than seeing me as a whole, rather complicated person with a number of complex issues that are all interlinked. Therefore nothing has worked before because you can't fix something if you're only working with a few of the broken pieces! Also, she has recognised that my Asperger Syndrome is not just a fancy label, but an actual disability that impacts on my ability to communicate, therefore impacting on the therapeutic process in quite a major way. In just two sessions she has picked up on the fact that I can have trouble with abstract questions, that I have some deficits when it comes to reasoning (especially around thoughts and feelings etc) and that I can express myself much more coherently and fluently in writing, rather than through verbal communication. And she hasn't just observed these things so she can then forget about them, she's going to keep them in mind during our sessions so she can tailor the treatment to me. I've never had a treatment tailored to me! This woman sounds too good to be true! One thing she wrote in the report is that it is clear that I have been "considerably traumatised" and that I need help to process this. While I have told other therapists about some of the traumatic experiences I have been through, it has never been recognised before now that I might need help processing past events. I think that is a big problem with the whole IAPT thing (unless it has improved in recent years) because back when I was going through the IAPT factory the therapists were never in a position to help me deal with the past, they could only work on the "here and now" (despite the past having a significant impact on the here and now!  ) And if you don't know what IAPT is, it stands for Improving Access to Psychological Therapies and was a HUGE NHS initiative rolled out to provide more therapies to the British public, but it was a pile of crap due to being run like a factory and for only really being able to deal with people who had mild anxiety or depression.Anyway, from what I can remember about today (I was having a hard time concentrating), treatment is going to include some CBT work around my controlling behaviours, some narrative-therapy to help me address past traumas and some DBT to help me with managing my emotions and risks. We started to come up with some goals, and this is what she has written down in my notebook: 1. Increase skills 2. Increase sense of safety to at least 3/4 of the day 3. Stop controlling behaviours and work on beliefs about being ugly 4. Food 5. Managing emotion 6. Processing early years Some are a bit vague (number 4, for example!) but it's a start. I think the "increase skills" one will be about learning mindfulness and breathing techniques etc, plus challenging negative thougths etc. The food one will obviously become a goal about not restricting my food intake, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that, so may have to have a smaller goal of eating more nutritious foods, even if I can't quite bring myself to eat a healthy amount. But maybe I will by the end of this therapy, who knows? I just can't see that far ahead yet. I want to add two more goals. One is that I would like to start doing things I used to enjoy again, such as writing creatively and reading fiction. The other is that I would like to be less dependent on professionals and services. She has already said to me several times that we only have 12 sessions together and that is making me feel so, so anxious. I have been in and out of (mostly in) services for eight years, and although a lot of that has been very negative, it has also been a part of my life and I feel scared about functioning without it for reasons I'm not sure I fully understand. So... I think I really need to tell her about that and hopefully she can help me deal with it. The biggest thing that struck me though is that I became a bit upset at the end of the appointment due to feeling like I am still in a crisis right now, and not managing things too well. I tend to get upset at the end of therapy appointments because I spend most of the session trying to work up the courage to say what is truly bothering me, and then it all comes out in a rush at the end when I realise I'm running out of time and have to say it unless I wait a whole week! But instead of treating me like a time-wasting, manipulative bitch who is trying to selfishly extend her appointment and drain the NHS of time, money and resources (as I have been treated in the past), she spoke to me like a human being and gave me a few extra minutes to calm down, then gave me some advice and reassurance before checking I felt okay enough to go home. It was weird. And amazing! I have been tearful for a lot of the afternoon. Probably partially because lorazepam brings my mood down like that, but mostly because I feel emotionally overwhelmed about what is happening. Can I really trust this woman? Can I dare to hope that she might help me? She treated me with understanding, respect and compassion and that has been so lacking in my interactions with other mental health professionals, who have made me feel like I am manipulative, disruptive, pathetic, attention-seeking. So yeah, it made me cry. I just feel all mixed up. Am I the manipulative, disruptive, pathetic, attention-seeking person who does not deserve her compassion, or am I somebody who has been misunderstood and very badly let down by others who should have shown me compassion? I'm not too sure at this point, but I hope I'm not that first person. |
| I did not set an alarm today, but woke naturally at about 7:30. I went back to sleep until about 11:20. I then ate a cereal bar and went on the computer for a short while before taking my first lorazepam tablet of the day (well, half a tablet). I think that started to kick in about 12:30 and I slept until about 15:30. I then ate again, and went back on the computer before taking the other half of the lorazepam tablet at 16:00, and going back to sleep half an hour after that. I then woke at 19:30 and went over to my mum's house to have dinner and watch a couple of episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I am now back at my place and will soon be taking my quetiapine tablet and hopefully getting even more sleep. I'm starting to like this giving up thing because it means I can go into hibernation. Who cares about work, or the problems with my house, or anything? What is the point in worrying about all that crap, or working hard at my job that they won't even let me do right now, or striving towards my goals that I'm probably never going to achieve, when I can just sleep? Beautiful, medicated, don't-care-about-anything sleep. Maybe I'll do the same tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, until I run out of lorazepam, or it stops working. Then maybe I'll just start taking quetiapine in the day, as well as at night. Hopefully I won't adjust to it meaning the sedative effect stops working. It hasn't so far and I've been taking it for ages now. Oh well. If it does, I'll just take a bigger dose. I'm going to sleep my life away, I think. |
| … in a lorazepam-induced coma. I’m not going to overdose (I think). Even just 0.5mg of lorazepam knocks me out and right now I’m planning on taking 0.5 as soon as I wake up, and another 0.5 when I wake up some time in the afternoon. Then I'll take my quetiapine at bedtime and just sleep the day and night away hopefully. This is because I’m meant to be at work, but I’m not going to be at work because of my stupid health. My doctor has signed me off for two weeks and my manager’s manager will not let me return to work because he is concerned about my mental state. So I don’t think I am going to cope too well tomorrow, hence the lorazepam. I had two very cringey meetings today. The first was with my GP where he asked me what happened last Monday and I felt unable to explain it, or to apologise about it or anything. I just don’t know what to say about it. I feel humiliated, devastated. I don’t know. He asked me to book another appointment for two weeks’ time and I asked if I could call sooner if I needed to. He said yes as he always does, but then said something about my dependency on him. We have discussed it before, and he always brings it up in a sensitive way, but I couldn’t deal with it today. I got tearful and he then got worried and started reassuring me over and over again that they are there if I need them, blah, blah, blah. I told him it is humiliating to be so dependent on him and that I HATE being dependent on others. I said I want to work on it, but can’t right now when I feel so crappy and am trying to cope with so much. We talked about how therapy is good for teaching people coping strategies for managing crisis situations etc and he said something about how I’ve had therapy in the past so should be able to draw on those techniques. I explained that the therapy I had for my eating disorder did not teach me anything, but I’m not sure he believes me about that. But seriously, I learned nothing from Cognitive Analytic Therapy. NOTHING. It was the biggest waste of time of my life and I still feel angry about it. He ended up signing me off work for two weeks and when I asked can I go back sooner if I feel well enough he said, “Yes, but don’t rush things” because it's better to take the time to really sort myself out etc. The second meeting was with my manager’s manager. I only met with him because my manager is not here this week. This meeting was set up to discuss going back to work and when I arranged it last week I thought I would be able to say I can go back to work tomorrow. I am gutted that I couldn’t do that. My manager warned me that her manager would challenge me about my fitness to work, and she was right. He started the meeting by saying we both need to be completely open. I felt a little annoyed by that because I have been nothing but open with work, probably a little too open. But maybe I’m just being oversensitive. He also wanted to know what has been going on with me, and I struggled again to explain things. This was such a tough meeting but he did say that he has no concerns with my work when I am able to come in. I stressed very clearly that I have NEVER put service-users in danger and I never will. He seemed to accept that but said he is concerned about me, and my wellbeing and safety at work. He asked me what has changed since last week and I had to admit that nothing has really, and that made me realise that going into work tomorrow is completely unrealistic. I told him I’ve been signed off, but said I want to come back sooner if possible. I can’t be bothered to go in to much else about it right now to be honest but I did ask how close I am to being fired. He said that is a long way off yet and they are keeping things informal, but if things don’t change they will have to start “managing it” whatever that means. It sounds pretty scary. I’m so sick of all this crap. Honestly, I just want to get on with my life. When is enough, enough? I have made so many positive changes over the past two years. I have completely turned things around and I am constantly striving to achieve the goals I have set myself, but sometimes I just wonder what the hell the point is? Maybe I am functioning better day-to-day and actually have some kind of a life, but I still have these ridiculous crises. Only now they are even more devastating because I have so much more to lose. And they have also become more frequent, more disruptive and more dangerous. Right now I just feel like giving up. |
| I’ve not blogged for 20 days apparently! On the 12th I moved into my new house. I wish I could say it has been great but it hasn’t, because the house has a damp problem. The damp is mostly behind the kitchen units, and therefore I did not pick up on it when I viewed the property. An awful smell emanates from the cupboards, making the whole house stink. But what’s worse is that the odour gets in my clothes and hair, so I can still smell my disgusting house when I am out and about, trying to forget about it. Earlier this week a maintenance worker came to try to remedy this, and some other problems, such as the broken plug in the bathroom sink. He has painted the back of the units with damp/mould resistant paint in the hope that this will help things. I think it has helped a bit, but I can still smell the damp, and have now noticed there are spots of mould on the bathroom ceiling. I am extremely sensitive to smells, and have issues around needing things to be ultra clean, so this has pretty much been ruining my life for the last two and a half weeks. I am hoping that the paint will solve the problem, and the smell will completely disappear in a few days. I need it to. But I suppose if it doesn’t I will have to get back to the letting agency and keep pushing them to fix this. Because I am not paying £725 per month in rent for a place I do not feel comfortable in. They have to fix it. On the positive side the house looks amazing! That’s because I have really good taste! I still need to get a dining table and also a television, but otherwise I am pretty much set. I just wish I could enjoy it, but until that smell goes, I can’t. Still, I am only renting it for six months and then I am hoping to buy. So this is just for six months. I am seeing it as a step I have to take to show mortgage lenders that I can afford to run my own house, and that I am responsible with money. But anyway… none of that matters because I have played the lottery for the first time tonight and I am feeling LUCKY!!!! Hahaha! I wish. That would be awesome. If I won the jackpot I would buy a house for my sister and her partner, because they are struggling to save up a deposit. I would then give a huge amount of money to my mum so that she can retire, and I would pay for her to have her house redecorated and garden fixed up. I would pay for the best dog trainer to work solidly with my dogs until they overcame their issues and were just happy, carefree dogs. And I would buy myself a house that is free from damp and mould. Nothing huge or especially fancy, just somewhere that I can make into a home. I would continue to work as Clinical Support Worker and I would continue to pursue my ambition to come a Clinical Psychologist. I can dream, can’t I? But this blog entry is entitled “messed up again” so this is how I have messed up. On Monday I took another overdose. I had seen my GP that morning and told him how shit I was feeling. He advised me to go the hospital but I just couldn’t face it. So unless someone was going to make me, I wasn’t going to go, and unfortunately he didn’t make me. I needed someone to make me go. To my credit I did try to contact the mental health team for help, but the receptionist said the duty worker would call me back, and when he hadn’t called me back after two hours, I felt completely out of control. I put a load of tablets in my bag and then walked to a lake near my house. From there I got a taxi to a lake near my mum’s house. I have no idea what I was doing! And when there I took ten of the tablets. I then walked to my GP surgery and asked them for help. They called an ambulance, the paramedics gave me activated charcoal, and then I was hooked up on a heart monitor in A&E for several hours before they made me speak to the psychiatric liaison people again. The experience was traumatic. I was kept in the resuscitation unit, which kind of hammered home how much danger I had put myself in. After being observed for six hours I was declared medically fit and they called the psychiatric liaison team. I then had to wait two hours in a busy, noisy waiting area and my anxiety sky-rocketed. I kept asking to go home (even though I still felt unsafe) but they said I couldn’t leave until I’d talked to the mental health people and they said if I left they would call the police to bring me back. Eventually they came to see me, and unfortunately one of them is somebody I met when I was in hospital back in May. He is still horrible and rude. He said an admission was out of the question, even though I was still feeling actively suicidal and felt I would overdose again if they discharged me. I told him very clearly that I would take another overdose if I left the hospital and he said in a flippant manner, “I’ll see you later then”. So I said I would probably kill myself this time and he responded with, “That’s fine”. Lovely, right?! Not! He kept saying I had made conscious decisions to act on my self-harming thoughts, and I would be making a conscious decision if I did it again. I completely disagreed with this and kept saying that I felt out of control and needed help to stay safe while my mental state was so poor. I tried to explain that somebody who has made such positive changes in their life, and has treatment in the pipeline, and is intending to go back to university in September does not make CONSCIOUS decisions to risk or end their life. They are clearly in need of help. I’ll probably blog more about this meeting another time because it was absurd, but I have already written a lot now and can’t be bothered to go in to it all. They discharged me and left me crying in that same side-room they left me crying in last time. I took out the rest of the pills I had in my bag and thought about taking them. They walked back in, saw I had the pills, and did nothing. They just told me to leave because they needed the room. I left and called the Urgent Advice Line. I asked the advisor what to do because I was still feeling suicidal. She told me to go back in the A&E department, and she would call them to explain I still needed help. I was told the psychiatric liaison team would come back to see me again. It took hours. This time it was just one person, but that same, rude guy. By this time I had burned myself out and no longer felt actively suicidal. I let him babble on for a minute about how I shouldn’t pay my rent until the problems with my house are resolved (the crappiest, most irresponsible advice I have been given) and then I walked out. I feel distressed, fragile, overwhelmed. My manager is not letting me work this week because she is concerned about my mental state. I have been let down once again by the people who should be helping me. I should have been admitted to hospital, but they refused to help me and I don’t know why. I know a lot of people will look down on all this as attention-seeking behaviour but I have learned that people act in certain ways when they are trying to communicate something they can’t verbalise or that hasn’t been fully understood by others when they have verbalised it. Attention-seeking is not a bad thing. People NEED attention. I was saying, “I’m distressed. I’m out of control. Please stop me”. Nobody stopped me. I was not behaving in a conscious manner, like that idiot believes. I was behaving in a dangerous, irrational manner because my mental state declined. I feel so scared right now that this could happen again and I will not get the help I need because people think I am doing it on purpose. It is absolutely terrifying. |
| The words in the title are just some of the emotions I am feeling currently for a range of reasons. One reason is that I spent the weekend in Yorkshire for my cousin's wedding. This has unsettled me seeing as it involved a lot of socialising, dressing in a way I do not usually dress and sleeping in a hotel I have never stayed in before. If you have been reading my blog recently then you may want to know how the camouflage project went! Well, unfortunately it failed! I had a practise at it the night before and did a pretty good job, then on the morning of the wedding I did it again, but for some reason it just did not look as good. I did not have time to redo it before we left, so just hoped I would get a chance before the ceremony. Unfortunately things were a bit rushed when we got to Yorkshire, and our hotel rooms were not ready (even though we had paid for them to be ready at 11:30) and so I didn't have time to redo it completely. I tried to put another coat on but it didn't work really. Instead I just sat and stood in certain ways to try and make the scarring less visible, and placed my bag strategically to cover it when I could. I felt very worried and self-conscious about it, so it is a shame the make-up did not work. I'm sure it would have been good if a proper make-up artist had applied it, or I'd had more time to learn the techniques and practise them. Oh well. Hopefully nobody noticed it. The wedding was lovely and my cousin had what she has described as the best day of her life, so that's the main thing. Another reason I am feeling this way is because I saw a psychologist last week for an assessment for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I do not know if that is my diagnosis yet, as I don't think the assessment is over, and I'm meeting her again on Wednesday. She seemed nice and I felt somewhat comfortable with her. She was very understanding of my frustration with the mental health team and has actually apologised on behalf of the NHS for how much I have been let down. She recognises that my issues have not been addressed properly, and finally I have met a mental health professional who understands that they may need to adapt their communication style and way of working for a service-user with Asperger Syndrome! That is a good sign. But she said something during our appointment that is now really messing with my head. I'm not ready to talk about it publicly yet though and need to get my thoughts around it. I also need to discuss it more with her. It is very overwhelming. And a BIG reason I am feeling this way is because I am moving to my new house on Tuesday. TUESDAY! That's the day after tomorrow! I've had the keys for a week but haven't had chance to move in yet due to work and the wedding. Now I have a week of annual leave. Still, I have been trying to get things sorted, and had my new couch delivered there on Thursday. It's brown and very nice! My mum kindly went over there to accept the delivery as I was at work, and then she, her partner, my sister and my sister's partner put it together (it arrived in parts!) Also, as a surprise, they put up my curtains (a gorgeous shade of green) and bought me some nice green cushions to match, so it is starting to look homely. Mark and I have taken some of my books over this evening, and I'll take the rest over tomorrow. Then Tuesday the removal people will take my furniture over and so I will be sleeping there from Tuesday night. That is scary! There are some things about the house that I feel concerned about, but I am trying not to get too panicky. If there are problems, then they can be sorted. And I only took out a 6 month tenancy so if this place is not right, I can move. It will be fine... won't it?! This is such a crazy time for me right now, with some absolutely MASSIVE changes afoot. I guess it would be weird if I wasn't feeling this way! I just wish I could fast-forward to the time when it will all feel normal! |
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