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 |  My 2nd blog! An account of my life as I try to recover from (or manage) mental illness. |
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Planet Me      ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hello, I'm Ghostranch  , also known as Jess. Welcome to my second blog, which is a continuation of my first blog, "Invalid Item"  . Here I will keep writing about my life as I work hard to recover from various mental health conditions and turn things around, hopefully achieving my ultimate dream of being able to find and hold down a job.* I'll be honest, things will get ugly in here at times! That is the nature of mental illness and I use blogging as an emotional outlet to cope with this. I hope my faithful reader(s) will continue on this journey with me and that any new readers who happen to stumble upon this strange planet won't be too freaked out and will actually decide to stay. All are welcome here! I'll try not to be overly crazy! *I actually achieved this in February 2015, becoming a part-time Support Worker. Then in October 2015 I got a new job as a Clinical Support Worker and have been working full-time when my health permits. My goal now is to maintain this job and study a MSc Psychology Conversion course in September with a view to becoming a Clinical Psychologist or a Social Worker. It's a BIG dream! Sometimes I feel like I can do it, and sometimes I don't. I suppose only time will tell! I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond" , a safe port for bloggers to connect. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Make a list of inspirations. People, places, colors, events, activities. Do these inspire you to write, go to work, help you through life or make your day a good one? I would like to hear about them. This prompt is actually harder than it first appears! I've really had to think hard on this. When it comes to writing, my main source of inspiration is nature. Sometimes if I am totally stuck on a line of poem all I have to do it go for a walk, appreciate the beauty of my surroundings, and then something just unlocks in my mind, allowing the words to fall into place. Sleep can do that too and I am definitely inspired by sleep. It is the best! When it comes to people, my biggest inspirations are probably Anne Frank and Miep Gies (the lady who helped to hide the Frank family and their friends). I admire Anne Frank for the spirit she showed in the toughest circumstances. I admire Miep Gies for the courage, determination and selflessness she showed. I feel inspired by her to be the best person I can be and to always be brave enough to do what I feel is right. She was an incredible person. I am struggling now! Inspiration can be found almost anywhere, but sometimes you have to look for it. Sometimes you have to look really, really hard! I wish I had more to say on this -- I don't have much a list -- but I seem to be drawing a blank, which is weird because I feel inspired pretty often. I suppose most of the time I don't even know where that inspiration has come from -- perhaps it comes from somewhere inside myself. *shrugs* Non prompt entry: I helped out with another bushcraft session today and it was tough. The kids were pretty difficult to deal with though thankfully not as difficult as the group from hell I blogged about last week. A lot of them were rude and had major attitudes. They complained and moaned almost constantly. But all of them took part, so that's good. I had another go at lighting a fire using steel and flint and was successful again so I've now done it twice!  There is something very satisfying about lighting a fire without a match or a lighter.This evening I went to the last pilates lesson of the beginner course. I have to say, I much prefer pilates to yoga. I feel like I'm getting more of a workout and I don't have to do any of the tedious meditation stuff. I think I will probably keep it up though I feel a little daunted about joining a regular class which will contain people who have much more experience.  But before all that, I was brave enough to call my care coordinator. The first thing I did was apologise for hanging up on him the other day and he said, "it's fine", though he sounded a little annoyed! He said he was going to write to offer me another appointment (we hadn't scheduled one because I hung up on him before we could!) but now I am seeing him tomorrow. I will try to explain why I behaved the way I did! One thing that makes me laugh about my care coordinator is that he always asks me, "have you been eating?" and when I say yes he'll say, "are you sure?" It amuses me -- why wouldn't I be sure! I have been eating. What he should be asking though is, "have you been eating enough?" The answer to that is no. But perhaps that's what he is meaning when he asks? I don't know! Maybe instead of saying yes, I should say "a bit"? I don't know if my Asperger Syndrome has been causing us to get our wires crossed over this very simple question! Another thing he does after asking this question is to ask, "well have you had breakfast? Lunch? Will you have dinner?" These are the wrong questions to ask someone with an eating disorder! It allows me to avoid elaborating on the quantity of my food intake. Yes, I have lunch, but that consists of a crumpet and carrots or something like that. So he thinks I'm eating properly, because I say, "yes, I had lunch", but I'm really not eating properly as my lunch is too small. I could set him straight on this but I'm not sure I especially want to! But that's enough of that. I feel a little nervous about the appointment. That's in the morning and in the afternoon I am helping out with another bushcraft session. I feel a little nervous about that too! Kids are scary! |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Today the actor/comedian Robin Williams passed away. What are your feelings about his work? How deeply are you affected by a celebrity death? Is there a particular celebrity whose passing would/has cause(d) significant grief? If this prompt too depressing for you, tell me about your favorite celebrity, dead or alive. Such sad, sad news. Robin Williams was a wonderful actor, in my opinion. Mrs Doubtfire and Aladdin were two of my favourite films when I was a child and I still love them now and have seen them often as an adult. Dead Poets Society is one of my favourite movies ever and I think Robin Williams gave an incredible and moving performance. I also loved him in Bicentennial Man, Patch Adams and One Hour Photo, even though he was way too creepy in the latter! He was very talented and I love how he seemed to be able to find the heart of the character he was playing, whether that was the fast-talking genie in Aladdin or the gentle, sensitive John Keating in Dead Poets Society. I'm not sure this news has even sunk in properly for me yet. I feel very unsettled by it. Most celebrity deaths shock and sadden me but I feel somewhat detached from them too, seeing as I didn't know the person on a personal level. However, Robin Williams's death has affected me more deeply because he committed suicide and I heard about that while I was going through a crisis myself and getting strong suicidal thoughts. I feel somewhat disturbed by this but in a way I think reading about the nature of his death helped to bring me back to a slightly more stable frame of mind, at least for a little while. I just feel so, so sad that he must have been struggling so much and feeling so desperate. I can seriously relate. I am going through it right now. I have been to the edge many times. Back in March I dangled from it by my fingertips. Maybe I'm sick for saying this, and I'm sorry if it causes any offence, but I think it takes courage to commit suicide. Fear of death made me seek help after my overdose. But then it also takes courage to continue living when things are so tough. I consider it a great tragedy that we still have such little understanding of severe depression, how to treat it and how to support those who are suffering from it. Yes, we have come a long way when it comes to mental health but there is still so much work to do. I want to thank the people who supported me last night. I love this community. Every time I reach out, someone responds. I can't find the right words to say how much that means to me. Just know that it means everything. I am emotional tonight. And overtired after a busy and mentally draining day. I didn't go to the hospital because I knew the outcome would be either a discharge back to my GP, which wouldn't have been good seeing as my GP doesn't know how to help me or, I would have been referred to the Home Treatment Team. This would mean avoiding hospitalisation but instead having the hospital come to me in a sense. The Home Treatment Team visit patients at home, hence the name! And the level of support is intensive -- it can be daily. I know deep down that I need this level of support at the moment but I can't have people coming to my house. I just can't. But I don't want to be hospitalised either. I don't really know what is going to happen, to be honest! I think I missed a call from my care coordinator today (it was an unknown number). I hope he contacts me tomorrow. I'm just living moment-by-moment while I wait for my review. Somehow I am still functioning. I don't know how someone can be suicidally depressed and still functioning but I am proof it can happen. It's very weird.Anyway, I merged my "prompt" entry and "non-prompt" entry into one big entry today seeing as there was a big crossover of subject matter. I need to stop blogging now because I am exhausted and feel like I'm not expressing myself very well. I need to catch up on commenting on blogs but will have to do that tomorrow because my exhaustion is affecting my concentration. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Tell me about RAGE: Yours, someone else's, the concept of, or any interpretation of this that rocks your socks. Most of the time it takes something really big to send me into a rage because I am the kind of person who bottles everything up. I already blogged on this subject here, "Invalid Entry" where I wrote about how I seriously lose my cool if I feel a loved one is being attacked or treated unfairly in some way. But another sure-fire way to get me into a rage is to be rude to me. Bad manners and rudeness are irritations to me like no other and if someone is consistently rude… well then, yes, that makes me really angry. Whilst I believe very firmly that respect has to be earned, and so would never demand respect from anyone, I also very firmly believe that courtesy is something we should show everyone. Yep, we should even show courtesy to those we don’t respect and so I do demand courtesy and I do not tolerate those who don’t give it to me. I have blogged on the subject of rudeness so many times! I don’t know why it gets to me quite so much as it does but partly it is down to my upbringing. I was raised to value good manners and to always be very polite and so I find it hard to understand people who do not share in this value. I guess I just feel that it is so easy to show good manners and that this is such a simple way to make the world a bit nicer so it’s a real shame when others can’t see this or ignore it. A lot of people think I am passive, mild and meek but I'm really not. The people who think that of me tend to take advantage of my good nature and they probably get away with it for longer than they should as I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. But I do eventually stand up for myself, it just takes me a while to get there, and then those people are in for a bit of a shock. Haha! Suddenly sweet, passive, little Jess, who they have walked over for months, fights back and they tend not to like it when that happens. That is always a satisfying moment! I would like to learn how to be assertive without getting to boiling point first but I'm glad I have it in me to stand up for myself when something really matters to me. Non-prompt blog: Today I am having a breakdown. These are becoming regular occurrences. I hung up on my care coordinator because he upset me by not understanding how much I'm struggling and then I ignored his call when he rang back. Yeah, I can be rude sometimes.  But only when I get so overwhelmed I can no longer cope. I wasn't meaning to be rude. I just shut down, basically, and it was horrible.Anyway, I saw my doctor and he really wanted me to go to the hospital but I didn't want to. We compromised instead and he is contacting the assessment and intervention team so my case can be reviewed. But he told me not to hesitate to go to the hospital if things don’t improve. He admitted today that he doesn't know what to do. That made me sad… for me and for him. He has already done so much and I didn't mean to make him feel bad or out of his depth or anything. I feel horrible about the whole situation. He was very supportive as usual but now I'm worried I've stressed him out. So… because I really need some motivation for staying alive right now I have decided to make a list of things I want to achieve/do/see in my lifetime. This is going to be a work in progress because I am too depressed to give it much thought at the moment. Plus, it will always be open-ended because there may be things in the future that I want to add to it. I am also going to retroactively add stuff to it so I can give myself a sense of achievement. Plus, these things I have already achieved/seen/done would have been on the list if I had made it before achieving/seeing/doing them, if that makes sense. So this is what I have so far: 1. See U2 in concert  -- one of my favourite bands and the first band I ever loved. I saw them at Manchester Arena in 2005. It was AMAZING.2. See REM in concert -- also one of my favourite bands! I saw them in Twickenham with Mark in 2008 on what would turn out to be their last tour. They were fantastic.3. Get a degree -- I achieved this in 2009, gaining a 2:1 honours Bachelor of Science degree in Animal Biology and Conservation. I am beyond proud of this achievement.  4. Learn to drive -- against the odds I passed my driving test in 2010 on my first attempt. 5. Visit Anne Frank House -- I got to do this last year and it was an extremely moving and emotional experience.6. Get published and paid -- I have almost achieved this. My poem has been accepted for publication and I have been paid but it hasn’t appeared in print yet.7. Save up enough money so I can pay for my mum to have her garden patio rebuilt. 8. Go to Tokyo to see my childhood friend. 9. Visit Pench National Park, which is in India -- Mark and I recently watched a documentary about tigers that was filmed at Pench and it is stunning. I have to see it. 10. Visit somewhere in Africa (I haven’t decided exactly where yet). 11. Give birth and be a mother. 12. Run a marathon. 13. Go caving again to face up to my fear. 14. Get my black belt in karate -- kills me to write this one. If I hadn't had to quit karate I would have achieved this by now. 15. Learn a language -- I know the basics of French and German but I would like to be fluent in another language, to the point where I could read a novel in that language. 16. Get a job in environmental education. 17. Get a masters degree (probably in psychology but I am not totally decided on that yet). This is all I have so far and it isn't working. I think maybe I need to go to the hospital. Edit: I am scared to go to the hospital. I am scared to die. I am scared to stay alive. I wish I knew how to deal with this. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Was it a very good year when you turned 17? Tell us about things that happened in that year. I turned 17 in 2004 and that was not a good year for me. Already very depressed at this stage, my mental health deteriorated further when my parents separated. But before this actually happened we had months of my dad's aggressive, drunken behaviour. Fun times! I became very withdrawn during this year, understandably as I was dealing with so much, and as a result of this I lost my friends. Yeah, nobody wanted to hang out with the miserable person. So, more fun times for me! At school I was doing my AS level year, the first year of sixth form, which counts towards A levels (if you don't know, these are qualifications in the UK that can be gained after leaving secondary school and are needed if you want to go to university). Because of everything that was going on, and because of my worsening mental health, I didn't achieve anywhere near what I was capable of achieving in my exams, though I did pass them thankfully. But that's enough about what was going on for me that year. Here are some other things that were happening in 2004:  January 13th: serial killer, Harold Shipman was found dead in his cell. February 4th: Facebook was founded. May 6th: the last episode of popular TV show, Friends aired. August 28th: Kelly Holmes won her second gold medal at the Summer Olympics in Athens. November 18th: the Hunting Act 2004 was passed in parliament, banning fox-hunting in England and Wales (Yes, yes yes!) December 26th: the Indian Ocean earthquake caused a series of tsunamis that killed over 230.000 people in 14 different countries. I seriously can't believe 2004 was ten years ago!  Non-prompt blog: The theme of this portion of my blog entry is going to be things that pissed me off/traumatised me recently. Two things are on my mind tonight: Firstly... Some time ago I had an appointment with a woman from the work programme I attend and we somehow got onto the subject of my eating disorder. This woman, who I was meeting up with for only the second time, decided to try and "counsel" me, but in a way that I found extremely offensive. Yeah, she asked me if my siblings have weight issues or if they are normal weight etc and I mentioned that my brother is very skinny like me but my sister is a tad on the big side. This woman then started to ask, "do you think any less of your sister because of her..." but I cut her off right there. I wasn't having that! I said very firmly: "I do not judge other people by their weight, size or body shape". My tone made it clear that our discussion on that subject was over. I know she was trying to make the point that if I don't judge other people over their size, why do I judge myself, but that has no relevance and I wasn't going to engage in it. It is very frustrating to me that many people continue to have little understanding of restrictive eating disorders, believing them to be about vanity and a desire to look like a catwalk model. But it is absolutely infuriating when those people attempt to counsel me! Grrrrrrr.  I think this is on my mind tonight because my eating disorder is getting bad again. I was doing much better with my eating and my weight is at about 6 stone 4, but I can't handle it. Things feel very out of control at the moment and so I guess I am relapsing. My therapy should be starting this month but I'm not even sure I want it now. It's too late.Okay, so here's the second thing I have been thinking a lot about... In July last year I had an appointment with a hospital consultant for an ongoing physical problem that may need to be treated surgically (or will be treated surgically if I ever consent to it!) The doctor I saw was unbelievably rude. He barely looked at me but just stared at his computer screen instead as he barked out questions about my symptoms. In my anxiety, I kept stumbling over my words and he didn't give me time to speak. In the end I pretty much shut down and stopped communicating, which is what I do when I am extremely anxious and overwhelmed. Then, to make matters worse, he carried out a physical exam in an extremely unprofessional manner. This ended up triggering flashbacks to a trauma I experienced when I was 13. After that appointment I contacted the Patient Experience team at the hospital, told them vaguely what had happened and requested to see a different doctor for future appointments. This was fine by them and for a year now I have been dealing with a different consultant. However, my last appointment was cancelled and then hastily rearranged. I went along, the nurse came to get me from the waiting area and I was directed to a room to face... yep, the doctor I had requested not to see! Except, I wasn't 100% sure it was him. You see, he barely looked at me last time and I barely looked at him as he made me so nervous, so I couldn't be absolutely certain. If I had been, I would have walked right out of there. Instead, I pretty much closed down again, though thankfully I was assertive enough to refuse a physical exam. Yeah, I wasn't going to risk this guy touching me just in case it was the same guy. Anyway, I have since done some detective work and it turns out it was the same guy. Yep, my hospital messed up big time! I spoke to the receptionist and there is now a note in my file saying all my appointments must be with the consultant I have been seeing for the past year. I will probably be making another complaint too, because that seriously shouldn't have happened and was incredibly distressing. So I'm not having a fun night tonight, what with these bad memories going round and round in my head. I wish I could switch off from them! |
| I'm blogging! I feel out of practise. I miss writing.com. I hope to regain my enthusiasm for online stuff very soon. My sleep seems to be getting a little better, so that should help. I've been busy but should have more time this week... I just seem to be feeling rather apathetic about most things at the moment and I really hope that passes soon because it is very annoying. My new voluntary job is going okay. On the whole I am enjoying it and I can't even describe how much I love getting out and doing something useful. I need to be useful -- having nothing of value to do (through not working) has been one of the biggest causes of my depression. I just wish I could do this work every day and get paid for it... but I'm working towards that. With each session I become more and more sure that environmental education is the correct career path for me. But it isn't easy work! I'm okay with that though. I like working hard. I love having something to focus on. I have helped out with six sessions now, I believe: one art in nature lesson, two bug hunting sessions and three bushcraft sessions. A lot of it has been good, some of it has been bad, and one session was downright ugly! So... The Good I am learning, learning, learning and I love learning! The education department has three members of staff and I have observed two of them in action. The manager, N----, is awesome at what she does and I love her lessons. She has a very natural teaching style and somehow pulls off being chilled yet enthusiastic at the same time. Children seem to respond well to that. She is firm when necessary though and doesn't take any crap, insisting on good manners -- I like that. I am taking all of this on board. As an observer I can see what works well and what doesn't. I am also learning new skills and knowledge! The bushcraft sessions are fun and I learned how to start a fire using steel and flint. It took me less than two minutes to pick up. I've only done it once though and may have just got lucky! It is wonderful to see the impact these sessions have on the children. So far the bushcraft sessions have been for children from London, brought along by a charity for disadvantaged inner city kids. Today we had a group of girls and some of the older ones had a bit too much attitude and kept complaining. However, by the end of the session they were fully engaged and admitted that they'd had fun. To me, that is amazing and I love that I was part it. Also, one of the charity staff members said she admired that we are an all female staff as most "survival skill" camps and activities are carried out by men. We showed those young ladies that women are perfectly capable of building dens and starting fires. Hopefully it was a very empowering experience for all of them. My favourite thing so far though is watching children attempting to make fire! Some struggle so much at first and it is really incredible to watch them persist and finally achieve it. The pride and happiness they show is absolutely wonderful to see. The Bad My confidence is low, low, low and that is not good. I am getting much better at talking to children naturally but I still need to work on my communication skills so much. I do not talk loudly enough, for one thing! I know I will be capable of addressing a class but in order to do it I seriously need to overcome my shyness, lack of confidence and self-consciousness. I have no idea how to do this. But I have to figure it out because this is the single most important thing! I have to get to where I can run a session!I am also struggling with socialising with my colleagues. I am fine one-on-one, but I can't handle groups (yes, more than two people is a group to me!) I am very worried that I am not making a good enough impression. I also realise I am putting too much pressure on myself. The Ugly So... the session I hinted at in my last entry! It was awful! This was a group of boys aged around 9-10, I believe, and they were wild! They had attitude. They were aggressive. They were not interested in learning. And if that wasn't bad enough, the staff who accompanied them were pathetic! They didn't even try to keep order. They didn't seem to care that some of the kids were attacking each other with sticks. They didn't even attempt to curtail the bad language and appalling manners. But the single, most annoying thing for me was how one charity staff member in particular kept letting kids give up on things too easily. For example, one boy did not want to attempt to start a fire because he believed he wouldn't be able to do it and instead of trying to persuade him to have a go she just said, "okay, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do". Excuse me?! What kind of a lesson is that! This kid was perfectly capable of starting a fire! I tried to encourage him to have a go because it would have done absolute wonders for his confidence but the woman totally undermined me, repeating that stupid line about him not having to do something he doesn't want to. He did want to do it -- that was clear -- he was just afraid of failing. Now, thanks to her, he believes he wouldn't have been able to do it. Grrrrrrrr. Then... one boy was chosen to light our main fire and he was really struggling with it. After several minutes the woman asked him if he wanted to give up and let someone else try. Thankfully, thankfully the kid didn't want to stop and eventually he got it going. Yes, it took ages, but he learned a valuable lesson about persistence. I really can't believe that woman tried to take that away from him. And then... the kids were whittling sticks in order to toast marshmallows on the fire and one boy had a particularly thick stick. He was getting a bit tired and frustrated with the job but I kept encouraging him to keep at it, reassuring him that he was doing it correctly but that it might take a bit longer as he had such a thick stick. Another child called me over and I went to help him. When I turned back to the other boy, that frigging woman had taken over and was whittling the stick for him! Seriously. Grrrrrrrr! She was infuriating. I hope she doesn't come along to the sessions I am going to next week because I might just punch her in the face. So, that is a recap of my voluntary work so far! It has certainly been eventful. I am very, very tired right now, mentally and physically, so I apologise for any errors in this entry. It was hard to write as my thoughts are so scattered right now.I need to shut up now! |
I haven't blogged in a few days, not because I haven't wanted to, but because I have been ridiculously busy and even more ridiculously exhausted than usual. I still am exhausted so this will just be a short entry! I am experiencing the worst insomnia of my life. Usually when I have a particularly bad period of insomnia I can catch up on sleep during the day, but not this time. I can't even nap. I don't know what is going on but it is absolutely awful. And I've just done environmental education sessions two days running and pilates tonight. Plus Mark is visiting so we have been out and about doing stuff. Plus I've been keeping up with Jade's walks. I thought I'd experienced exhaustion before but that was nothing compared to this.  Anyway, the environmental education session today was the session from hell -- even the experienced staff were shocked and traumatised by it -- but it really deserves a blog entry all of its own, so I will write about it in more detail another time! I'm sure there are other things I want to blog about too but I am too tired to think about them right now so they will have to wait. I hope I can sleep tonight because it is really bringing me down and I can't cope with it for much longer. I will be back to blogging and being more active on WDC when I have more energy and feel human again.  |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : I'm new to blogging. What pointers would you give me to become a good blogger.? Do you think pictures are important in a blog? Music? Links to information? It's funny because most of the advice I have read on blogging warns against blogging about your day-to-day life because, well, who cares? But that's pretty much what I want my blog for. I want a record of my struggle with mental illness -- my life at the moment, basically -- and I want people to read it. Why? For a whole host of reasons, the main one being that I'm hoping to be able to look back on it from a better place in the future and be able to say, wow, you got through that. It's also somewhat cathartic to write it and it's nice (and often helpful) to receive support from people through their comments. I also hope that talking so openly about my struggles with mental illness and the things I have to face will help others who are going through similar experiences. I've had comments from people who can relate to what I am going through or who are supporting people with mental health problems. I hope I have helped them to feel a little less isolated. I also hope I have helped some people to understand what it is like to have certain mental health conditions. I don't know what makes a good blog in the grand scheme of things but I know what I like as a blog reader. I like to read about people's lives, especially if they can blog about it with honesty and humour. I like to hear about regular people who have regular lives and the occasional problem. That might be boring to some, but not to me. I am interested in real life, even the elements that do not shock, sadden or excite etc. I don't know if I have a good blog or if I am a good blogger. Probably not. I don't feel as if I'm in a position to give pointers... but I'm going to do it anyway! I would give the following tips: Write what you want to write. Be honest and open. Blog in your own voice otherwise it will come across as fake or flat. Engage with the blogging community. If you read and comment on a person's blog they might return the favour. (I need to do this more but I find it very hard. ) Don't be rude to the people who comment on your blog or you will drive them away! (Should be obvious!) It's fine to stir up debate of course and to be a bit challenging, but plain rudeness is never okay. (I'm a bit boring in this respect, often shying away from debate).I don't know what else, really. I don't think a good blog necessarily needs to have music and links, pictures and bells and whistles and whatnot. Sometimes just the way the person writes is engaging enough and I know of several wonderful bloggers who generally just write, without all that extra stuff. Having said that, variety is good too. The majority of my posts are about my life and my illnesses but I like to include my poetry, music videos and pictures at times too. Occasionally I'll delve into the realm of controversial or taboo issues (besides mental illness), such as capital punishment and animal rights. I like to "prompt blog" and "free blog", often even in the same entry! I like to think I have a good balance of content, but I don't know. I get enough views and comments to tell me that my blog is of interest to some people. I often think about starting a less personal blog on the theme of mental illness to appeal to a larger audience... I'm not sure. Ultimately I don't think there are many rights and wrongs when it comes to blogging. Bloggers have different styles and readers have different tastes and the compatible bloggers and readers tend to find each other. So my main pointer really is: just do whatever the hell you want and whatever makes you feel happy and satisfied as a blogger! |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : We blog everyday with each other, read other's thoughts and form this visual images in our mind...Tell us what images you have formed. Yes, what image do you have in your mind. Please try to not to be hurtful but give us an inkling.... Goodness, what an interesting prompt! I have a really, really hard time picturing people. I find it hard to picture people even when I do know what they look like! So I don’t have many clear ideas about what people look like from reading their blogs. However, three of my regular blog commenters (whose blogs I also comment on) are now friends with me on Facebook, so I have seen photos of them, though I haven’t met them in person. I am usually happy to add my WDC friends on Facebook, especially those I have known online for a long time yet still don’t know what they look like! Just send me an email if you want to be Facebook friends. It’s nice to be able to put faces to cases! As for the regular bloggers in Blog City, well, I feel as if I’m still getting to know them as I haven’t been reading their blogs for long. But I have a few vague impressions, as follows:  For some reason, I imagine Lyn's a Witchy Woman as having very, very dark hair. Maybe even black hair! I think this has something to do with her costumicon... it looks like the face of someone who is dark and mysterious -- someone who perhaps has raven-coloured hair! I’m guessing Fivesixer’s portfolio picture is actually him… so that’s how I picture him in my mind!. Bizarre, that!  I imagine Charlie ~ has brown hair, though with the addition of the word “orangutan” to his handle, I’m starting to think of him as having ginger hair. Noyoki’s handle has a very oriental feel to it and sounds quite similar to the name of a couple of people I know from Japan, so I picture her as a Japanese lady!I don’t really have pictures or impressions of other people yet, but I’m sure I will as I read your blogs more! Sorry if I am way off with the impressions I have made! Non-prompt entry: In other news… I found out today that I am the runner-up for the environmental warden job. So frustrating and rather depressing to be so close and still so far. They won’t know if their first choice will be accepting the job until Tuesday. If they turn it down, then the position is mine. They probably won’t turn it down though. The guy I spoke to said a ranger position has opened up and he would encourage me to apply as he feels it would be better suited to me. I’m a bit confused though because “ranger” is one step up from “warden” in the whole environmental hierarchy. If I couldn’t get the warden post then what is the point in applying for the ranger job? I’m not sure. I need to think about it. I don’t want to waste my time. Plus, the ranger job is full time which is less than ideal. Oh well. I am getting closer and closer with every interview. It will happen… hopefully. I can’t bear the thought of forever being in second place! Now I need to go and finish tidying my house. I kind of dismantled it in order to wash the carpets and now I need to… remantle it. Is that a word? It definitely should be! Mark is coming this evening and I can’t wait to see him! |
| So here I am again... blogging under the influence of Lorazepam. I really need to stop doing this as it makes concentrating so much harder! I only have enough left for 8 more doses though then I'm sure it will be, "welcome back, insomnia!" I am very much enjoying being able to go to bed at a normal time and get up at a normal time. I wish I didn't have to take a pill to get that! Anyway, on to the prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" :Have you ever had a red carpet moment? Not like an actor but a Wedding, Prom or something that made you feel important or special? I would love to hear about it. My graduation day. Yes, I felt very special that day and that day meant everything to me. Everything. If anyone was following my blog, "Invalid Item" , back when I was coming to the end of my degree then they may remember all the crap I was going through and how close I came to failing and not being able to graduate. They may remember the countless "breakdown" blog entries in which I did just that: break down. I fought to finish my degree with everything I had. I pretty much destroyed myself getting it. I now have a complete understanding of the phrase "totally spent". After handing in my last ever assignment I was totally spent. I had nothing left to give. And that lasted for at least a year afterwards. I actually had to take some time to recover from getting my degree, that's how traumatic the whole experience was!Finding out I had achieved my goal of getting a 2:1 is hands down the best moment of my life and getting to celebrate that at my graduation ceremony was the icing on the cake. My mum, sister and Mark came and though I don't like being the centre of attention, I felt so proud to accept my degree in front of the people I love, even if that did mean having to walk across a stage with hundreds of people watching! I remember feeling pretty stressed before the ceremony about what I was going to wear but in the end I opted for a classy, understated cream-coloured dress that came to below my knees, with a knitted black shrug that matched the belt on the dress and flat black shoes. I wasn't walking across a stage in heels. No way! I wore my hair natural (so curly, basically) and loose. I was happy with how I looked and I felt great! Then of course I had my cap and gown too! I rented those. Didn't see the sense in spending a fortune on something I only planned to wear once! That was a great day. I felt so emotional. I could hardly believe I'd done it. Sometimes I still can't believe it. Getting my degree is my greatest achievement to date and the hardest thing I have ever had to do. So yeah, I see my graduation day as my red carpet moment. I love to look back on the photos I have of it. I look genuinely happy because I was. I also look light and free and that is exactly how I was feeling. Non-prompt blog post: I saw my therapist this evening, which was good. I really needed someone to talk to about various things that I have no other outlet for at the moment. Then forty-five minutes after that I went to the beginner's pilates class. It was okay though we didn't do much exercise. The teacher rather liked the sound of his own voice and was more interested in talking to us about pilates than actually allowing us to do much of it! But it should be a bit more physical in the next session, I think. I already like it better than yoga. There's less of the "work with the breath" and more "don't worry too much about your breathing as long as you actually are breathing". I just want to stretch and tone and get stronger. I don't want to meditate and relax and spend ten minutes thinking about my breathing. This is why pilates is better for me. I don't have the patience for yoga right now! But I'm definitely not ruling it out completely. So that has been my day, really. I am so tired right now and will hopefully be fast asleep within the next hour thanks to the tablet I have taken. I am dreading these tablets running out. But for now I am just going to try and enjoy sleeping the hours of a regular person! |
| Tonight was my last yoga class, having completed the 6 week beginner's course. I have somewhat mixed feelings about it ending! On one hand, I am relieved it is over because I never really did fully commit to it and get on board with the whole meditation aspect of it. But on the other hand, I enjoyed some of it, liked the teacher and liked getting out of the the house for an hour or so each week to try something new and different. But I'll be back in the studio much sooner than I expected to be because I have signed up for their beginner's pilates course, which starts tomorrow! I've done one pilates lesson in my life and I think it is better suited to me than yoga. I'm not ruling out yoga totally though -- I desperately need to learn to relax so I might return to it at some point and give it another go.The session tonight was... not great! We ran through some stuff we've done before. Then the teacher taught us a balance pose called The Tree. Yeah, basically you stand on one leg! This was easy for me. After years of karate I have excellent balance so am pretty adept at standing on one leg. Then it was time to learn a shoulder stand and this really is as horrific as it sounds! We crowded round to watch the teacher and I had to force myself to keep looking. The pose just looked so painful and so unnatural and so... wrong -- basically her weight was on her neck! She showed us a modified version and the full version.I am a pretty "up for it" kind of person. I push my courage levels often and I have done stuff in the past that people would consider risky or daring (such as abseiling, rock-climbing etc). The same goes for my "physical" level -- I used to push myself so hard in karate. But as a result, I also know my limits very well and the shoulder stand is my limit, lol! I thought I'd have a go at the modified version and if it felt okay, then I would do the full one. But it soon became very, very apparent to me that the full version wasn't meant to be. I tried to raise my hips but my neck protested at even a slight bit of weight and I wasn't going to force the issue. Nope. I quite like my neck and don't really want to do anything to damage it! The teacher asked if I was okay and I just said, "yes thanks. I don't want to do this one. It's just not going to happen!" She was fine with that. So that was yoga! I've learned some stuff. I'm probably fractionally more flexible than I was 6 weeks ago. I've realised that I hold an awful lot of tension in my shoulders and upper back. I've also realised my spine is too prominent for laying on the floor, even with a yoga mat. A rolled up blanket is a must otherwise I feel like I am damaging my back! I've learned that it is possible to hold a downward facing dog pose for too long and your head doesn't explode, even though that's what it feels like is happening! I'm glad I stuck it out, even if my sister didn't (that just sums up our very different personalities very nicely!  ) It has been an interesting experience.Edit: Again, I'm sorry for any errors. I need to stop blogging when I'm doped up.  All legal, by the way. I don't touch illegal drugs. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" Pick a headline from your local newspaper or favorite on-line news source and share your feelings about it. Be sure to include the headline somewhere in your blog. I chose the following headline from my local paper: £2.9m injection for A&E services So what are my feelings on this? Well, mostly confusion! The previous week there had been an article on the front page of the paper saying that there were plans to downgrade the hospital in either my town or a neighbouring town, and having just one A&E (Accident and Emergency department) to serve both areas, which is absolutely outrageous! My town is HUGE with an ever-increasing elderly population. To even think of taking away the local casualty is complete and utter madness. However, it looks like it isn't happening if this headline is to believed. Apparently it was confirmed in parliament last week that the A&E department is to receive 2.9 million pounds for an upgrade, so surely this must mean it is here to stay? However, I hope it doesn't mean the A&E in the neighbouring town will close because then the hospital in my town will have to take on their patients, which will be crazy, even if they do get to expand the department. I've been to A&E twice -- once in 2001 when I had appendicitis and then again earlier this year when I took a drug overdose. I could tell more recently that it definitely isn't fit for purpose. And it just looks so grim! The staff were crazy-busy and it was really hard to ensure patient privacy. I really hope they put the money to good use. I feel happy that we are going to get a better department though I hope I never need it again! I don't know what is going on with the NHS at the moment with all the cuts and closures! But you know what? However much I moan about the health service over here (and particularly the awful mental health service, which truly is in a mess) I feel incredibly lucky to live in a country where I can get free healthcare. I would be pretty screwed if I had to pay for it as I have needed it so much, yet have no money. Recently I have been seeing my GP on a fortnightly basis (at least) because I have needed so much extra support. I dread to think how much that costs! I honestly can't wait until I'm working and contributing to society again (through taxes) so I can feel less of a financial burden on the health service. Anyway, that's enough on this topic. This was an interesting prompt. Non-prompt blog post I don't have a whole lot to say! I am trying not to worry about my interview because, as someone has pointed out to me, worrying isn't going to change the outcome. I wish I didn't have to wait so long though. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the eating disorder service which I am dreading because the therapist is a total bitch. My therapy is going to start for real in the middle of next month but I don't see how it is going to work if I neither like or trust the therapist. Plus, I'm not as motivated to get better as I was a few months ago when I was absolutely begging them to help me.I took half a lorazepam tablet last night and ended up sleeping for about eleven hours! I have taken one tonight too so fingers crossed everything I have written makes sense. It might not because I'm feeling pretty spaced out and having a hard time concentrating. I am taking so much medication these days. I have to take my antidepressant, moclobemide, twice a day and my antihistamine once a day. Then I am trying tablets for the stomach issue I have, which may or may not be IBS. But I have to take those tablets three times a day. Then there is my inhaler, which I only seem to need once or twice a week a now, thankfully, plus the lorazepam. I can take half a tablet of that three times a day if I want but that would be way too much because even half just totally knocks me out. My doctor says that's because I'm a "tiny person". That made me laugh for some reason. I don't like being tiny! Well, I like being thin but I sure wish I wasn't so short!Anyway I am rambling too much and on a really boring subject so I should probably just shut up and go away now! |
| I had three hours of sleep last night! I was so nervous about my interview that I just couldn't switch my mind off enough to get some rest. Oh well. So I got up at 7:10 this morning. The damn dog woke me up ten minutes before my alarm was set to go off! That was kind of annoying.  I was really nervous about the drive. I had to get to Heath and Reach, which I'd never even heard of until last week! It's a lovely area and should take about twenty minutes to get to from mine, but it took thirty in the rush hour. Thankfully it wasn't too busy. Traffic was much heavier coming into my town than leaving it! I gave myself plenty of time and that turned out to be too much time because I got there a whole half an hour early. But I'd much rather be early than late and that gave me some time to read back over the job description and my application form.The guy interviewing me was very friendly but we didn't get off to the best start as he called me Sarah! I was like, "no, Jessica!" That was awkward! By the way, I normally go by "Jessica" rather than "Jess" in more formal situations -- I don't actually have a preference (use "Jess" online because I'm lazy!) I don't feel connected to either name so it makes no difference to me! But I digress...The interview was pretty tough as he gave me some scenario situations and I had to explain what I would do if they occurred etc. I think I did okay but I really don't know! I'm pretty terrible at that kind of thing. I could have done a much better job of selling myself and I'm kicking myself over that now. It is so hard in the moment to know when to elaborate. I should always elaborate! I realise that now... when it's too late! The job sounds so full on in some respects but they are taking on two people to cover one role and the people they select can choose to split the hours however they wish. I could get on board with that -- I am definitely wanting to start off as part-time and if I got the job the other person may be willing to do more of the hours so I can ease into the employment world, rather than diving in. The best thing though is that he told me they received fifty applications and are interviewing just five people. FIVE! I made it to the last five out of fifty people. How awesome is that?! Whatever happens now I have something to be proud of. I don't really know what I want to happen now... I am nervous about getting this job and I am nervous about not getting it. But mostly I am just relieved the interview is over and I can relax for a week before getting stressed over the outcome! |
| Argh! I've had such a busy day! In a way that has been a good thing as I haven't been able to dwell on my impending interview. But it has been bad too as I am now having to do my interview preparation while feeling exhausted and stressed. I have never felt less prepared for an interview in my life and I do not like feeling this way! But I am having a hard time focusing and I don't think continuously going over things is helping right now. Hopefully it will all come together tomorrow when it matters. I have had so many interviews recently and hopefully I've learned something from each of them that will help me in this one. Hopefully! I have to keep hoping! I have been freaking out over what to wear. Today was boiling hot and tomorrow is going to be hotter. The thought of wearing my standard interview outfit of long-sleeved shirt, jacket and trousers was making me want to cry. So I tried on my short-sleeved shirt and it is now too big because of my weight loss. I'd also forgotten that all of my smart trousers are now too big as well and I do not have a suitable belt. Disaster! But I think I have come to a solution. I am just going to wear a nice, flowery top I have. It isn't a shirt but it looks smart enough, it looks summery and I won't get too hot in it. Then I have a small, knitted, short-sleeved bolero to go over the top so I don't have totally bare arms. So those, teamed with my black trousers and shoes look pretty smart. I've taken a cord belt off a pair of shorts I own. It's brown and doesn't match but my top covers it, so that's fine. I think I look okay. I hate having to dress up for interviews. I never feel like me, no matter what I choose to wear. Anyway that's enough about my interview. The meeting and buffet earlier went well, except they wanted to take photos of us all to update the webpage! I don't want to be on the webpage! Argh! But it's fine, really. I'll get over it, I'm sure! The meeting was interesting. This is the end of the year for them really as they mostly work with schools so follow the school term timetable (though they will be running some summer activities, thankfully). It seems they have had a successful year and it was interesting for me to hear about what they have achieved. The manager had bought everyone a small gift as a thank you, including me even though I have only helped out with three sessions so far. I was really touched by that. I also got a thank you card in which the staff members had written messages saying that they are looking forward to working with me more etc. Again, I was very touched. I am feeling so looked after as a volunteer there -- it is wonderful. This afternoon I saw my doctor and was able to talk to him about the suicidal thoughts I have been experiencing over the last few days. I almost got sent to hospital but managed to talk my way out of it! I'm seeing him again tomorrow just so he can check how I'm doing after my interview etc and because I really need the extra support right now. I am so lucky to have such an incredible doctor. So... it is just after midnight and I have to get up at seven to leave the house at eight. My interview is at nine but I want to give myself plenty of time to get there, especially as I'll be travelling in rush hour. Not sure I'll be able to sleep though. Damn, I'm nervous! Even though I'm not entirely sure I want this job. Sooooooo stressed!By the way, sorry if there are any errors in this entry -- I am ridiculously tired and stressed! |
| Don't know if anyone noticed but for about a week or so I was doing so much better when it comes to my mental health. While I couldn't say my mood had lifted much or that my anxiety had reduced, I was ultra motivated and I did seem to be feeling a bit more positive and hopeful about the future. I think that came through in several of my recent blog entries. Well, it hasn't lasted and to say I am devastated is an understatement. I thought I was getting better. I thought I'd had a breakthrough. Now it feels ruined. I spoke to my doctor on the phone yesterday about my ridiculously increased anxiety. He wanted to prescribe me Lorazepam again but that's what I took the other night and had to endure drowsiness and muscle weakness for the majority of the following day. He said 1mg was probably a bit much for me because of my low weight so suggested I take half a tablet. That worked in that it made me sleep and it is hard to be anxious when you're asleep! I still struggled to get up today though but thankfully the after-effects didn't last as long. I can't take one tonight though as I have to be able to get up early tomorrow and I have to drive too. I'm going to that meeting and buffet lunch for my voluntary job and I'm going even if it kills me! I know it's going to be so, so hard to go when I am feeling this bad. I am also hoping to speak to my doctor again tomorrow. He told me to call him Thursday or Friday to let him know how I'm doing. I know he can't do much but it does help somewhat to have someone on my side, if that makes sense. I am also seeing my care coordinator on Friday, though I know he won't help! I don't look like someone who is on the brink because I am still functioning. But I never stop functioning. It isn't an option. I wish the health professionals could understand that I am feeling every bit as bad as the stereotypical depressed person who can't get out of bed and washed and dressed etc. In some ways I am worse off because nobody can see just how much I am suffering and struggling. I don't know what is going to happen to me. I feel afraid. I know there are two big things triggering my anxiety, one being the interview I have on Friday. It's not the actual interview I feel nervous about but more how I'm going to deal with the result of it, whatever that may be. Either outcome is going to cause me a tremendous amount of stress. I can't deal with this and I wish I hadn't seen this job. I can't blog about the other thing. But the main thing impacting on my mood right now is that I can't get the thought out of my head that my life is ruined. Over. Everything is messed up and I can't fix it. And even if I do fix it, it won't be as good as new. It will just be a patch-up job. Do I want to live a patched-up life? I'm not sure. In my more positive moments I kept reassuring myself that I may not be doing things in the conventional way, but I'll get there eventually. But I can't handle that now. I want my life to be conventional. I'm tired of taking this convoluted path. And to top everything off, I am feeling incredibly sick right now!  Why am I blogging about all this? Mainly because I need an outlet for how crappy I'm feeling. Also because I'm not sure how active I'm going to be on WDC over the next few days. I may not be able to respond to emails or do much online. I'm just living moment-by-moment right now, which is all I can do. |
| Prompt from "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" : Vacation or Staycation: which do you prefer and why? A staycation is a period in which an individual or family stays home and participates in leisure activities within driving distance, sleeping in their own beds at night. I'm not sure I really have a preference, to be honest. In many ways I am a bit of homebody, and I would certainly make the most of a "Staycation", enjoying getting to sleep in my own bed every night. My local area has an awful lot on when it comes to art, drama, nature and culture, as do the surrounding areas. We certainly wouldn't run out of things to do if we opted for a staycation and it would be cheaper than going away somewhere for a holiday. It is perfectly possible to have a free day out, for example taking a picnic and walking to the nearest park. I would be completely happy to do something like that. On the other hand, if I had the money to get out and explore the world farther afield then I absolutely would. I want to see as much of it as I can and one of the reasons I am so eager to get healthy enough to work again is so that I can afford to travel. My trip with Mark to Amsterdam last year was my first experience of travelling abroad and I absolutely loved it. It has certainly whetted my appetite for further adventures. Now my friend who I got back in touch with recently (see "Invalid Entry" ) has invited me to visit her in Japan. I wish I could and I am very tempted but just the flight would cost somewhere in the region of £400-£800. A trip out there would wipe out my savings and I'm not sure I'm willing to do that -- that money is set aside to make it easier for me when I move out or for funding any further study I want to do in the future. I cannot really justify spending it on a trip, as much as I am desperate to go. I would love, love, love to see my childhood friend again and to explore Tokyo (where she lives now) but I don't think it will happen this year. But maybe next year? I certainly hope so.I do get nervous about travel though and I know travelling outside of Europe will be even scarier. I feel anxious about what I'd eat. Being a strict vegetarian is much harder in areas where vegetarianism maybe isn't very well-understood or even accepted. Plus, it's hard to know exactly what you're eating when you don't understand the language the ingredients are listed in! Anyway, back to the prompt... I really do not have a preference. I can make the most of a staycation but I am hoping to experience more vacations when I can afford them. I may have a weekend or so away this year, but somewhere in the UK. I'm not sure yet! Non-prompt entry: I took a lorazepam tablet last night. This is a benzodiazepine drug and I usually avoid them because they make me feel horrible, but I was feeling very anxious and I've had such bad insomnia recently that I just wanted a full night's sleep. Well, I certainly got that! But it really wasn't worth it. I took the tablet about 10pm and was fast asleep by 11pm. I'd set my alarm for 9am but when it went off I just couldn't get up.So I repeatedly pressed the snooze button for two hours! Then I finally got up but felt so weak and woozy I could hardly do anything and at 1pm I decided to take a nap on the couch. So I have just slept for another two hours and again struggled to get up. I am still feeling strange even now and can't wait for this drug to leave my system! Yeah, it's nice to be able to get to sleep early and sleep right through, but the after-effects are horrible. I don't think I will take one again... unless I get really desperate! I just feel like I have wasted my whole day. It's 4pm and I'm only now just starting to feel vaguely human! |
| I woke up to rain this morning! I was supposed to be helping out with a nursery session and I had a feeling they would cancel but I got ready anyway, rather optimistically applying sun screen! I also have bug repellent now, finally. After getting bitten on my face a few weeks ago, which is still visible, and having gotten bitten twice yesterday I decided I would rather put up with the horrible smell of the spray than get bitten yet again! Anyway, I got to the office for 9am only to be told the nursery had called to cancel at 8:50. Wimps! It's only drizzling! I feel disappointed. I haven't seen this session yet and I was looking forward to it. It's called "Teddy" and apparently they hide a range of cuddly toys resembling various animals found in Britain around the park and then take the children round to discover them. I haven't worked with nursery-aged children before so I was a little nervous, but eager to face a new challenge too. I think it is a good sign I was looking forward to it and a good sign I feel disappointed. Have I finally, finally found a voluntary job I enjoy? I think so! I can't quite believe it!  There isn't much I can do next week as they are running an all-day session on Tuesday when I'm not available. But I am going along to a meeting on Thursday where they discuss how things have gone for the year and what they're going to be doing when the schools start back up after summer. There's also a buffet lunch after that. I'm going to a social event! Argh! Then they have a few things on over the summer that I should be able to help out with. I have my eye on a tree ID session as I am very keen to brush up on my tree identification skills. They will also be running a pond-dipping session at the lake near my house and I definitely want to attend that. I feel a little anxious that next week and the week after are not going to be especially productive (as there are no available sessions that I can help out with) but it can't be helped. I'll just have to deal with it and find other ways to make productive use of the time! It's a little frustrating though and, like I said, anxiety-inducing, especially as I am so motivated at the moment and want to make the most of that. I helped out with another bug lesson yesterday and it went pretty well. I am already getting better at talking with the kids but my bug ID skills remain horrible! I have never been good at this! I guess the best way to get better is to go bug-hunting in my garden and when I'm walking Jade and just practise, practise, practise. I have bought a comprehensive ID guide so I have no excuse! I have decided that I am going to do something every day that will get me closer to achieving my goal of a career in environmental education. This could be something big, like volunteering with an environmental session, or it could be something small, such as practising my bug ID skills or studying/brushing up on other environmental things. I am so relieved to have finally identified a proper goal and that it is a goal I really, really want to achieve. I am so focused now because I know I am finally on the right path. I could cry with relief! |
| Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit! But yeah, I have yet another interview. Am I going to land this job? Well, I'm not entirely sure I want it... so probably! That's how things work for me. It's an environmental warden role and there are elements of environmental education involved and some interaction with visitors etc, which is the kind of job I want, but the rest of it is practical conservation, which is the kind of thing I have decided isn't for me. However, it is only 15 hours a week to start with, which is the ideal amount of hours for my first job after such a prolonged period of unemployment. In the UK, if you are on sickness or disability benefit (like I am) you can do what is called "permitted work". This has to be under 16 hours a week and is designed to test your capacity for work. It means you can try it out, and if it doesn't work out because you're not ready, then you don't lose your benefit. I would be stupid to dive straight into a full time job when I have been so ill (am still so ill) and have such low confidence and energy. I want the "permitted work" safety net because I honestly have no idea if I am capable of holding down paid employment right now and I don't think I will know until I actually try it. Anyway, I'm thinking... if I got it, I could work there and continue in my voluntary environmental education role, so ensuring that I am still getting lots of experience in the area I want a career in and also ensuring that I can continue to build a relationship with the person I hope will employ me in the future! Plus, the saying goes that it is easier to get a job from a job, so if I get this job, I can then relax a bit and just keep my eye out for the DREAM job and have more chance of getting it. I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel about it. The interview is on the 18th and I will definitely be going to it because, let's face it, I need the practise! I guess I'll just go for it, give it my all as I always do, see what happens and then go with the flow. At least if I don't get it I won't feel as devastated as I have when missing out on previous roles. One thing that's good though is that I am managing to get environmental and science related interviews. even if I haven't actually landed a job yet. My degree alone didn't get me any, but combined with my voluntary experience I am a desirable candidate apparently. And while I'm waiting to get a job, I'm just building up more and more experience, which is going to make me an even stronger candidate. You know, for the first time EVER I'm thinking I can actually break into the (paid) environmental field. Maybe not this time, but I now feel confident it will happen. Hopefully not too far off in the future! Yay for new-found confidence! |
| ...or you could just listen better! Prompt from "Blog City Prompt Forum" : It was a stupid thing to say... .I don't say stupid things because I'm awesome! And I can't really think of stupid things other people have said right now... or I can't exactly mention them because it wouldn't be right. But this prompt has made me reflect on verbal communication, which is something I do a lot anyway, what with having Asperger Syndrome. And it is something I have been doing a lot more of since I realised I need to get better at talking to children and fast if I am going to dazzle the people I am volunteering with in the way I need to if I hope to get paid employment with them in the future. I guess I am scared of saying something stupid... despite being so awesome...Yeah, I'm not good at verbal communication. That's no secret in this blog! But one thing that gets to me is that I am asked to repeat myself all the time. All. The. Time. I know! I get it! I don't talk clearly! I am softly spoken. Sometimes I mumble a bit. If I'm anxious or upset I can babble and become kind of incoherent. I can't help these things! Honestly, I have tried so hard to change the way I talk but it doesn't happen -- maybe I can improve for a bit but then I revert back to my usual quiet, mumbly (is that a word? My spell checker doesn't think so!) and, at times, incoherent self. I have a pretty monotonous voice too, which doesn't help matters. However, I reckon I get asked to repeat myself much more often than necessary because people do not listen properly, which is why I titled and opened this entry the way I did. There have been many times when someone has said "pardon?" to me and then responded before I even got the chance to repeat what I said. So they did hear, it just didn't register with them straight away. So why didn't they just pause a second -- probably a fraction of a second -- to take it in? This frustrates me so much! People definitely need to learn to listen better. Anyway, in my research on how to talk to children I came across the following paragraph on this website: http://io9.com/scientific-studies-explain-the-best-ways-to-talk-to-chi-582531307... Open-ended questions are questions that can't be answered by "yes" or "no" or a single word. In adult conversations, we use closed questions all the time without really knowing that they're closed. For example, most adults hear "Is that your dog?" as an invitation to tell you all about their dog. Kids only see a yes/no question, and will stop talking after giving an answer. This was a revelation to me! And it has just made me realise that when I get asked in therapy, "hmmm, that must have been a difficult situation?" for example, they are not asking for confirmation that it was difficult, but trying to get me to elaborate on why or how it was difficult! Damn, I'm stupid! I always just answer stuff like that with a trailing, "yeah..." (silent "obviously"). I thought they wanted confirmation! That's actually kind of funny! I didn't realise my communication style was so childish. No wonder I get told I don't engage if I am missing cues to elaborate and treating them as closed questions. Hopefully now I'm aware of it, I won't be so terrible at therapy! Verbal communication is a fascinating subject to me and I do think reading up on it will help me get better to a certain extent, but I think I will see more improvement if I actively practise talking with others, which scares me a lot! I certainly hope that with practise I will get better at talking to children. If anyone has any tips on how to be comfortable and natural when talking to kids please feel free to share them with me! So... I've kind of left this prompt far off in the distance. I hope it's okay that I went off on a tangent! And I also hope I didn't say anything stupid in this entry! |
| I just realised I forgot to blog about the traumatic bird-related drama I had to go through the other day! We get a lot of birds in our garden because now we no longer have any cats we have a bird table, and also there is a small woodland where they nest that runs along the bottom of all the gardens on my side of the street. Anyway, I was reading in the living room when I suddenly realised the birds were making much more noise than usual. I looked out and oh-my-god Jade was chasing a baby bird along the patio! She had it between her paws but it was kind of flapping away from her so she couldn't quite keep hold of it. I ran to the back door, which was open, and shouted her name but she's pretty deaf now and didn't hear me. So I ran after her, practically screaming her name as she trapped it in the corner of the garden, and finally she heard me and backed away from it. But she didn't come fully away and was just sort of stood over it, with all her muscles tensed. I was so scared she was going to lunge at it so I sneaked up behind her and grabbed hold of her collar. She is so, so strong but I managed to wrestle her back into the house and then I went to see if the bird was okay. It had gone to the opposite side of the patio and was trying to hop up the steps on that side. I saw it was a baby magpie and it looked absolutely terrified. Its parents were making the most awful noises. Honestly, those panicked rattling noises are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It didn't seem injured, just shocked, and I could see I was making its terror worse, so I came back in the house and hoped it would fly back to its parents. After a short while I went back out to check on it and at first thought it had gone but then I found it hiding in a bush. It had the saddest eyes! I came back in and consulted google on what to do! I really had no idea how to help it. Most websites I looked at said that unless the baby was injured or obviously orphaned then you should leave them alone. That was really hard to do because I badly wanted to do something proactive to help it and I was scared a cat would come along and find it. But eventually all the noise settled down and once it had I went back out and it was gone. Phew! I really hope it got back to its parents. So that was all horribly traumatic! About as traumatic as the time Jade dragged a hedgehog from where it had been hiding in the shed. She is an absolute menace! I feel guilty over the hedgehog because I was slow to react as I thought she had a football at first. And I feel guilty about the baby bird because again, I was quite slow to react. The birds are generally pretty noisy during the day but I'm used to it, so it took a while for it to register with me that they were distressed.But as horrible as it was, it could have been worse. I am thankful Jade didn't really know what to do with it -- I guess she doesn't have much of a killer instinct. I love that I have the kind of garden that attracts so much wildlife but wow is it stressful at times?! Over the years we have had to rescue an abundance of birds, mice and hedgehogs (and a couple of frogs!) Sometimes I wish I didn't care about animals so much! |
| I had my second proper session at my new voluntary job this morning, this time helping out with a lesson on bugs. The children were the same age range as the class yesterday, so again I felt very out of my comfort zone when talking with them! But again, I threw myself into it as much as I could, trying to ignore the fact that I am severely depressed, chronically exhausted and extremely anxious. Yeah, those things make everything so, so hard but I'm not the sort of person to run away and hide from a challenge. I feel kind of emotional right now, or I know I would be feeling that way if I wasn't too exhausted to feel it! This is because I think I have finally found what I am supposed to be doing. As hard and draining as this work is, it doesn't sap my energy (and spirit) anywhere near as much as the practical conservation does. I've already had moments, in just two sessions, where I feel like I'm totally absorbed in the work, where I'm actually enjoying it and where I feel like I'm doing something useful and valuable. This is what I have been trying to find! And I feel frustrated that this didn't all happen years ago. If I'd started volunteering with this organisation straight after leaving University, I'm pretty sure I would be employed right now. But that thought is torture so I must try not to dwell on it! What I must focus on is that I now have a specific goal. Previously my goal was to get a job in the environmental field and I have been pursuing it to the best of my ability, trying to keep up the practical conservation work, even though I hate it! Now I can specifically pursue a career in environmental education and I will be trying to reach this goal with a lot more enthusiasm because it finally feels right and I can see the right path now. So I'll continue volunteering here and get as much experience as I can. I'm doing two sessions next week (Thursday and Friday). Next Tuesday is the last session at the RDA before they break for the summer, so I will probably try to do three sessions a week at the new place, once I'm finished at the RDA, and build up from there. So a proper plan is taking shape... I need to: Continue volunteering.The more sessions I go to the more practise and experience I will get. I know my anxiety and depression will make this hard, for example, although I enjoyed the Art in Nature session yesterday, I had to force myself to go along to the session today because I was anxious about it and lacking motivation etc. I know I will have to force myself to go next week, even though I got a lot out of today. I hate afterwards where I think back over the session and analyse every little thing, dwelling on the things that didn't go quite so well or that I feel I could have done better. But this is down to my personality (I'm a perfectionist) and my anxiety, so I just have to accept that, deal with it and get on with things. I'm sure the more experienced I get, the less this will happen. Work on my confidence. I want to get to where I can run a session. This is a terrifying thought! But I can do it. Not right now, but I'm sure I can get to where I can do it. I'm trying to think of ways I can increase my confidence outside my volunteer work (to speed things up) but am coming up empty right now so I think I will discuss this with my work programme adviser. But yeah, I want to get to where I can address a class of thirty children. Eeeeek! Increase/rediscover my environmental knowledge.Wow are my skills rusty! I could hardly remember a thing about insects and I did a whole module on animal identification skills when I was at University, though bugs were never my strong suit even then. So I must brush up on my knowledge. I'm sure things will come back to me as I help out with more sessions etc, but I can also be working on this between the sessions and I have already ordered a book on insects, which will hopefully arrive before next Thursday! I want to be able to talk confidently on the subject of creepy crawlies. I'll also dig out my notes and books from University and start going back over stuff. So yay! If I work on all these things I can then: get a job in environmental education, which means I will have enough money to... get my own place, (and also possibly study a masters degree in psychology), which means I can... start living a proper life and the life I want. It's possible! Isn't it? I hope so... It is going to be hard, hard work but I'm not afraid of that. I feel so relieved that I am finally on the right track. ARGH!Sorry this is so long! I was just thinking "aloud". It's good to get it all out. I love having a plan! Plans make me feel secure. Plans make me feel that I am working towards what I want. I can be totally focused now. Who knows, maybe this time next year I will have a job? Maybe sooner? Oh god, I hope so... |
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