Well-presented. The author presents her theory on the subject of addiction and proceeds to make her argument. I would have liked to see some attribution for her points, such as some tome or published work where one can find the ABC psychological model. Without attribution, editorials can seem like long-winded opinions.
She makes good arguments, but errs when she implies that the symptoms of things like the justice system apply to everyone. It seems like, by her worlds, the entire country is messed up.
She redeems herself and comes across more effectively when she adds her own personal experience with the subject, namely her divorce. Her truthfulness and desire say more than much of her editorial.
A great tale from a dog's point of view. It was very imaginative to show such things as a car engine starting and Prince reacting to the exhaust. I was able to follow the story quite easily. The parts where Prince scoped his yard and secured it was funny and the dream was poignant, if not foreboding.
I'm not sure why the master forgot about Prince -- simple mistake, meanness, cruelty, incapacitation -- but I sympathized with Prince. A dog's life may not be the greatest thing, but at least Prince noticed things. Humans missed everything.
Ah, time to tear down the confidence. No, just kidding. But, it's a good point. Some people use humor to fit in.
As for you, Amanda, I like your piece, save for a few grammatical mistakes, like the third sentence, right before "to waste," the 12th sentence (should be "others"), and the third to last sentence (should use "are" for the verb instead of "is" since "possibilities" is plural).
That said, I think the piece really does hit home with readers. We all have flaws and low confidence at some point in our lives, especially in high school. I can feel your pain as it reminds me of my own. I'm not sure if this is a fictional work, but if it isn't, my advice is to be yourself. Let others find you.
Much better. Much better. The murder comes more into play and we get to see some clues added with the revelation of the unregistered vampire. I'm just wondering how Viv can let Jonathan, who first caught the vampire's scent, be knocked out of the picture with the feeding. It would seem like she needed him to help her find the culprit.
Anyway, the explanation of Jonathan's status and the power of his blood was interesting. I also like how Viv fed from him and it was a really nice touch to add the tension between Jon and Rafe. Also very welcome was Viv's run-in with Leo. Why is he asking so many questions? It does create some suspicion about him and suspicion is always good with a murder mystery. (I'm also loathe to drink water from other people's houses now).
The end of this chapter is nicely done, with the scream and Viv's reaction, only to have the reader left hanging.
I hope this tangent continues because it is making the story more exciting. There has been a tendency to inject perhaps too much eroticism into this story. Viv seems to be flaunting herself to everyone at every turn and it has been sort of an overkill, like an obnoxious woman hitting on every guy she meets, whether their wife or girlfriend is looking or not. The reader is liable to say "enough already."
This work is certainly getting more erotic. What I still can't fathom is the purpose of it all. If it is just an erotic work, then it's going fine. If it's meant to have murder and mystery, then it is still way off. The detective stuff turns into something bumbling and comical before going back to the eroticism with Rafe and the paring knife.
(by the way, he really should use a "paring" knife and not a "pairing" knife).
There's no denying the intense eroticism of the piece. I think Hustler and the porn industry could learn a lesson or two from this on how to make things sensual without getting perversely graphic.
As for the murder, I've just about given up on that.
Excellent. I liked the angle of this one, as I had been expecting the standard "AI realizes it is a new life form" kind of thing. Mark and Isaac come off as normal, every day guy. Isaac longs for easy work days and is oblivious to the long-term implications of the AI. Mark is worried but vents his frustration by longing for someplace free of technology, showing him to be like most of us -- a dreamer instead of a doer.
The twist at the end caught me off-guard. I never stopped to realize that the AI might want freedom from its dreary existence of transporting humans to paradises it could never enjoy.
A very moving piece, but, at the same time, confusing. I got the opening paragraph of Cassie's anguish and then I followed it through to the second paragraph about the funeral (though the first line needs to be changed so that it refers to Cassie and not "everyone").
Suddenly, in the third paragraph, the story switches from third person to first person. That was jarring mostly because the switch came in the third sentence of that paragraph. It might have been better to stop the train of thought after the opening paragraph and then start in first person with the viewing of Cassie at the funeral.
The story meandered for a bit as we learn of Cassie and Rachel's almost twin-like relationship and get some background. Another odd part came from Jacob's reaction to Cassie's pregnancy. The author says "What you are thinking isn't correct, he too wasn't ecstatic, not even close." This line implied that Cassie wasn't happy.
I was also confused because Rachel and Cassie are supposed to be close, but news of the pregnancy and the cheating come as huge shocks to Rachel.
I can understand Rachael's faith conflict but wonder if she truly understands. Maybe she has the same problem Cassie had -- she keeps missing the signs.
Magnificent. At first, I was thrown off when the rhyming stopped. But, then I forced myself to stop looking for rhyme schemes and look at the poetry.
I loved it. It was simply and got to the point. I'm glad the author did not try to ram or force rhymes into it, as far too many other pieces have done on WDC over the years because the authors tried to merely copy someone else.
I can see why this piece was picked for publication. It makes its point succinctly and creates a memorable visualization at the same time.
Honestly, I wasn't sure exactly what to make of this piece. It sounds post-Apocalyptic but the style seems to ramble and then lurches into the source of the Apocalypse with a confusing stretch.
The story begins with some promise as a man awakes and we can feel his confusion as he tries to figure out where he is. A slight downside is that the words make it seem as if we're as jumbled as his thoughts, making it more confusing to the readers than the narrator. But, at least, the descriptions were thorough and alliterative.
After this, it's a slew of jumbled ideas and thoughts. There's mention of a world war and then nothing. A meteor storm is mentioned, supposedly as a big PR campaign for the still-unexplained world war. Then, there's a paragraph that makes no sense within the frame of the story, namely the fifth paragraph (or, technically, the sixth since the first paragraph should have been broken up into two smaller ones). I realize the narrator is offering his thoughts, but it just threw me off when I was hoping for more of an explanation for the meteor storm.
Also, the story uneasily switches between the narrator's present situation in the hospital room and the Apocalypse, but without proper segues. It seems as if someone kept blacking out and then suddenly woke up in a different place.
The actual Apocalypse also makes no sense. The story jumps from a meteor shower to end all meteor showers to a glass storm. While I did like the scientific explanation and descriptions of the crystal and glass storms, I would like to have found out where they mysteriously popped up from. Where they a result of the meteors? And how and why did all the nuclear reactors on the eastern seaboard blow up?
As I previously mentioned, the story does have some good things, such as the description of the storms and the narrator's tale of suffering. This lays a good foundation for the story to continue. But, the first chapter here needs to be redone to become more coherent. Writing styles should reflect more traditional styles because making it read like the jumbled thoughts in our heads rarely works for people not named Hemingway. Keep in mind that what's in print is usually the end result of the source doing a lot of self-editing so that the story reads better.
Simple, yet effective. This poetry obvious does not overdo like many poems on this sight. I think the author let the words flow as they felt and didn't try to go back and make it sound like something else.
The rhyme scheme fits almost perfectly. I had no trouble picturing myself as the author in a rather tranquil mood, appreciating the stars and my place among them.
Ouch. Heartbreak is never easy to take. This was definitely an honest piece and shocking, too. By the end, you realize you should have seen it all along, but the author presents it like she felt it. She allows us to feel it, too, as we wonder about the signs from her man. As we follow her, we are drawn in to her world and, thus, don't have that outside look a friend might have. She makes us feel her pain and that is the mark of a good writer.
The style is choppy, but in a good way. She doesn't spend a lot of time on each of the four segments, just long enough to advance the story without giving anything away.
Hey, you are doing okay. English is actually considered to be the most difficult of the world's major languages to learn because it incorporates so many other bits and pieces from other languages, including French (by the way, the term for French-speaking countries is "Francophone").
The best way to learn, I think, is to go back to the basics. Grammar, word structure and sentence structure. Practice basic sentences like subjects and verbs; direct and indirect objects, and adverbs and adjectives. Don't worry about slang or colloquialisms. If I were to learn French or Spanish, I would be taught the basics. If I visited Madagascar and spoke French, I would immediately be outed as foreign because I would not be using the local slang, but I would be understood nonetheless. So, get the basics down first and, when you get more comfortable, slowly add in some slang and jargon.
Oh and invest in an English dictionary and thesaurus. Americans have to take English class for 12 years of public school and usually two years of college to help our writing and speaking, so you're just going through the same process the natives do.
Well, this was certainly honest. It started out so nice with the look between two lovers and then turned away to imply something had come between them. By the end, I thought I was reading a script from "Jerry Springer." It jarred me but when I looked at the overall piece, I surmised that maybe the author really felt this way. She remembered the good times and then became so angry at her ex-boyfriend's actions that she lashed out.
On par for what is probably high school angst that has plagued teens for centuries, but unusual to be expressed in poetry. But, it gets its message across.
Amen to that. The words here are honest and show what most people think. Even in the age of twitters and text messaging, there is still the powerful urge to put thoughts down on paper or in print. And the best start is to start writing what you think.
The author here clearly has a lot going on and is following his urge to write. You can look at his words and feel the angst at having trouble putting thoughts into words.
And I'm sure Elizabeth will thank you for it (with either a mischievous smile or a 2x4). You know, I don't think I've ever seen the viewing of someone's derriers so eloquently put to words before. The words helped me form a definite image.
Well, it was certainly honest. I can't say, though, that the author really learned anything. After "confessing," she tries to justify her cheating by saying she picked the right guy. She might have deluded herself into thinking she's happier, but she's crossed a line that will come back to haunt her. Since she found it so easy to cheat on her boyfriend, a boy in the future will find it just as easy to cheat on her. Who could honestly sympathize with her heartbreak then?
It reminds me of the lines (paraphrased) of an old '80's song "Alibis" by Sergio Mendes as he finds out his girlfriend is cheating on him only to remember "...that's exactly the way we met."
I like that the author is trying to come to terms with cheating, but it seems a cop-out for her to not try to change her ways. I fear she's in for a lot of anger and heartbreak.
It definitely shows promise. Collin and Jake sound interesting and they certainly know how to survive. I'm guessing that the author is young because the style of the piece is sort of by-the-numbers, like you would find from reading the standard English textbook. With experience, this story would be much better, as each part is expanded and filled out.
We have all the elements for a thrilling story -- two cousins in the woods, a sudden tornado, a night of survival alone in the woods and the danger of a ravenous and rabid coyote.
A few obvious style points:
1) Everyone who has had basic English should know to avoid the run-on sentence paragraph. Limit paragraphs to 3-5 sentences and then make a new one to explain a different thought or theme. I realize that, sometimes, copying for MS-Word can lump sentences together in copy-and-paste format, but care should be taken to restore paragraphs and spacing afterward.
2) Be careful of tense. The first half of the story is done in present tense as in:
[Collin gets ready for his cousin, Jacob to come to his house.Collin packs his knife and throws on some jeans,an old coat and also his favorite hunting pack boots.]
Then, after the scene where Jake says he misses his parents so much, the story switches to past tense, as shown by:
[The next morning Collin woke up to make arrows for his bow. He found some hickory wood,it was straight and would be good for making some arrows.]
The author should stick to one tense to avoid confusing the reader.
Finally, the ending does need some work. I can understand about the helicopter as I imagine it might be from the Sheriff's department or from the National Guard. But, I can't understand why Jake's and Collin's parents would be bloody and tied up in the warehouse. I think the author meant to say that the parents were bandaged up. "Tied up" infers something bad or nefarious.
Again, the story has a lot of promise. I remember my writing was a lot like this during my early attempts. With years to gain experience and practice, this could become a better piece and the author a better writer for it.
A very nice little story. It reminds of the kinds of stories that one would have seen weekly on "Alfred Hitchcock Presents," the kind of story where you knew the ending but were too enraptured to not see through to the end.
Ellis Martin is presented very realistically, coming across as a small-minded man with dreams much too big for him. The way he took the money was enough to tell me he couldn't figure out things far ahead. His decision-making is strictly instinctive, whereas a smarter man would not have taken a sports car off-road like he did.
The valley seems like a nice place to live, but only for certain people. I liked Father Ben's character as a fatherly caregiver who has a lifetime of experience to impart -- to willing listeners. The others, like Anna and Rosa, were sort of two-dimensional. This hampered the romantic angle of the story as I did not really buy Rosa falling for Ellis.
On the other hand, Ben's explanation of the valley was great, mixing in facts, history and simple guesses, which is how I think most people would describe most things.
One other thing threw me. Ellis is presented as a small-minded man with grand ambitions and small thoughts. So, the sudden remark about the Kirlian photographs seems forced and out of place. No basis is given for his sudden scientific knowledge because no previous foundation was laid. If the author had said Ellis reall liked "Jeopardy" or "Trivial Pursuit," then I might have bought it.
You're right. This is a very nice poem, if you can say that about something involving Death. The rhyme scheme is nice and easily to follow. The words are not forced and the poem has no problem conveying the meaning of the piece. The words do fit and more than adequately explain all the drama and trauma surrounding death.
I do hope the author isn't thinking about this all the time. It seems best if we try to live our lives and stop worrying about death, except when it comes to safety.
This chapter still fails to mention the dead guy, but reads a lot better by introducing some more characters and injecting (no pun intending) some hot and erotic words. We get to learn a lot more about the guests and Viv's tete-a-tete with the handsome and cocky Antoine is definitely memorable.
Liam McKellan seems interesting but the others are rather two-dimensional. I couldn't get a feel for them, though the mention of Olivia as being an uninitiated human did add some interesting mystery to be explored later.
I just wish the plot would get back to the body. Two chapters now have passed without mention and it is really becoming such a non-issue that I feel the story may suffer for it.
This chapter was a bit of a let-down, but very necessary in a way. It gave a lot of background to the characters, including their real names. It introduced us to other characters that will, most likely, be featured in the future chapters, such as Iona and Jonathan. The description of the hotel and its room placement was so real I believe the author was looking at a real hotel when the chapter was written.
The let-down is that I've totally lost any interest in the dead guy. The entire chapter does get the background out of the way, but at the expense of the suspense. In fact, it seems as if Viv and Rafe have totally forgotten about the poor guy. It makes it harder for me to like the lead characters if they're so callous about a potentially innocent person. Again, if the police were to come in, Viv and Rafe would look very guilty.
I'm hoping the story gets back to the mystery of the body. If the man had died and Viv and Rafe had no knowledge of it, then it would be perfectly okay not to mention it again for awhile, but they do know of him so it's egregious to leave him out for an entire chapter.
I must say that this is a very different vampire saga. Not quite old style of vampires drinking blood and not quite the damnable new style of making vampires into romantic objects and good guys. The style is fresh and unusual in that it reads like the author jotted down thoughts, sort of like Hemingway. It does have its drawbacks because people tend to make up words or use the wrong word when they speak as opposed to when they right. Such new words as "bad smart assiness" seem out of place outside of quotation marks.
Viv certainly comes off as likable, but professional. I did have a problem connecting with her. I realize she is a vampire, but to cold-bloodedly toss a corpse into hiding so she can prepare for hotel guests threw me off. Rafe sounds good, though it also seems as if his bond with Viv has made him unsympathetic to the corpse's plight.
They do, however, come across as a hot couple and their descriptions are sure to make the blood pressures of the readers rise exponentially. They seem to have an excellent rapport that can only aid the story.
One major problem I did have was that the author says that the vampires in this reality are not like the ones portrayed in movies. They don't bite necks or run around in Gothic clothes or live in medieval castles or have sex orgies or leave behind bodies drained of blood like in "The Night Stalker." She makes vampires sound like normal parts of society and, yet, she also says she can't call the police to report the body for obvious reasons. Sounds like vampires retain some of the old stigmas like having to hide themselves from the public.
I thought maybe Viv wanted no police attention because it might be bad for business, but ripping up the rug and hiding the body doesn't sound much better. The police could still show up and then Viv and Rafe would be on the hook for at least tampering with a crime scene. I would think that a vampire who is 579 years old and who can't live without order in her life would be smarter.
Still, the story does present a plausible and intriguing mystery, one sure to make the reader proceed to more chapters.
Simply excellent. I wish I could give it six stars. I can see why it won the contest.
The story is very moving and a testament to faith, even in the lowliest moments. The descriptions are so vivid and accurate, I could swear a photo formed instantly in my mind. I could actually see myself following Marilyn out of the post office and into the neighborhood of her last delivery.
Marilyn seemed so despondent and even rebuffed God. Yet, I felt hope returning with her prophetic words for God to show her a sign. That it should come in the form of a true "butterfly" was poetic and just.
Definitely something for those in their most dire moments to read.
Hey, this is great. I was really beginning to think this poor sap was a vampire and was just having a really bad day. The video diary was an interesting way of presenting it, as dialogue-only writing is very difficult (I know, I've done it twice and each effort required numerous re-writes).
The piece is also funny and yet realistic somehow (how many of us aren't morning people?).
The only giveaway to the ending was when the "vampire" suddenly became boastful, claiming to have attacked every single person in a large building. Right then, I thought he was either still in jail suffering from lack of blood or at home in bed feeling the effects of LSD. Turns out I compromised -- he was in between and probably on LSD.
A very good piece.
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