Excellent set-up and intro for a great story idea. Of course, the idea has been done before (see Poul Anderson's "Boat of the Million Years" or David Brin's "Lungfish" or any science fiction from the Golden Age), so it will be interesting to see where this story goes.
The set-up is done very well. The problems of overpopulation, starvation, dwindling resources and pollution present viable reasons for the "reckless" effort of sending manned probes, though I'm not sure it's reckless if Earth is in such dire circumstances.
I liked the idea of the president and his canned applause. It sounds a little cliche (see "Starship Troopers" and "Starship Troopers: Marauder") but I'm willing to give some leeway. The president sounded very human when he lamented that Earth wouldn't make it, a nice counteraction to his emotionless way of presenting his probe plan.
The only real problem with this story is the number. 500,000 children is not far-fetched, but I don't understand where in the heck the number 100 trillion (!) came from. As far back as the 1950's, scientists have been trying to sound the alarm about overpopulation. The predictions have been woefully underestimated, but the most accurate current figures show about 17-20 billion people on the planet by 2050. Those numbers are expected to strain resources greatly.
As such, I can't see how the population could possibly jump to 100 trillion in 160 years. If 20 billion babies a day were born, it would take 50 years to reach a trillion additions to the population and 500 years to reach 100 trillion.
It might be a better fit to have the number at 400 billion, meaning only 2 billion babies a year for 200 years. It sounds like nitpicking, I know, but the number, I believe, is more plausible than 100 trillion.
Excellent twist. I read this with the understanding that Mat was a man. That he was AI was a clever plot twist. The story was very good. The descriptions were believable and it was encouraging to see Mat learn and grow. The use of the Brothers and their goal of expanding humanity's belief in God was a nice device, a good change from the norm.
A few things to possibly look at:
1) In the second sentence of the fourth paragraph, it should probably read "to the tiny planet Kelos in the Orion Constellation." This will avoid the awkwardness of "...to the Orion Constellation to the tiny planet Kelos."
2) The reader will probably need some explanations of some terms. Sol's system needs to be explained as the solar system Earth is in. Please explain what Betelgeuse is, since Kelos is in wobbly orbit around it -- is it a sun or a red giant or something else? And please explain a little more about the exact nature of a quantum string.
Excellent. Only takes a little to say a lot. I'm not much of a poem writer, but this one moved me. It was powerful and did make me want to look into your brother's eyes.
A nice, but sorrowful, pleading message in an excellent format. The rhyme scheme is short, but not forced and it doesn't feel as if it left anything off to keep up the rhythm.
Great story. I liked the way the story contrasted -- went back and forth between Dale's current predicament and his overall predicament of Betty's spending. I was able to sympathize with Dale's plight and just wanted to reach out and smack Betty. Her last line was so cold.
Good form and setup, but I missed the message. Quite a messed up conversation from the stranger. I'm not sure if the last lines are meant as plot twists, but I'd think they'd be lost on a five-year old kid. Still, the format was good and the spelling/grammar excellent.
The author makes a point and tries gamely to qualify it, but ultimately fails. The premise that love leads to war and terror was not proven. It seems as if the author took a very broad view of love, confusing it with greed and corruption. For instance, one of the sentences says:
[ history is the proof that some of the major wars have been fought because warring sides wanted to protect their loved ones or to get something they loved and longed for.]
Lust for power, greed and coveting what someone else has is an obvious extreme form of love, yes, but it is a stretch to lump it in with the basic form of love. The author has stated that one of the most promoted ways of dealing with terror is the spreading of love and compassion. The author then proceeds to equate love and compassion with the most perverse forms of love -- namely lust and zealotry (even extremism).
He or she might be right, but nothing is offered to back that point up. No historical examples or specific instances. The point is made and then broadly supported, much like the old maxim about politics -- lots of people talking without saying anything.
Perhaps the author could add a few examples to show how love is used as a weapon of terror. It might help the reader to link how the love and compassion often cited in church can be the same as the cruel love an abuser doles out to his wife or the love of country or "nationalism" that made Russia take down Georgia in Abkhazia and South Ossetia.
Maybe the author can show how love taken to the extreme can lead to terror and show how we can try to get past that or avoid that.
Powerful stuff. Neatly sums up the forlorn and time-worn emotions felt as husbands and sons (and now daughters) go off to war. The emotion was tightly wound and you could almost feel her anguish as she fidgeted with the rings on her fingers.
At first, it sounded as if she was watching her love leave her in some sort of heartbreaking break-up. But, soon, it became clear. It was gut-wrenching.
Excellent advice. I agree with it. Now, I just have to believe it. Man, I wish I had confidence. Oh, wait, you just said that. Hmm, guess I'll be single forever.
This article was a great way of finding out what I've been doing wrong. Too many how-to articles spend thousands of words saying what could be written in just a paragraph or two because their psychoanalyze the reasons.
The style is easy to follow and the author presents the reasons in a specific order that is not all over the place. About the only thing missing (and this would be important for a book or else it would be a simple newsletter) is specific examples, maybe from women and from men in good relationships. Heck, even examples of what not to do from men and women could better illustrate the point.
A very interesting story. Style-wise, it is easy to follow. There are some redundancies, like overuse of the phrase "it seemed." However, these are minor technicalities.
I might add that, although the author has expressed a desire to experience a foreign culture, I find it slightly amusing that he is still acting like a typical American, as far as stereotypes go. Namely, he hasn't learned enough of his new country to speak more than five words to his driver. It almost seems -- oops, now I'm doing it -- as if the author wanted a change of scenery but still wanted to have the same old creature comforts. Maybe he'll find the answers he's seeking when he truly immerses himself in the culture and can go out and about without a tour guide and translator.
Great stuff. At first, I thought this was an obvious rip-off, first on "I Am Legend" with the man holed up in a house, warding off zombies created by a mysterious virus. Then, with the RV I thought only of "Dawn of the Dead." But, what sold me on this was the characters. The narrator came across as a credible man determined to survive and unwilling to take any crap from leeches like Mike, Michelle, Ben and Logan.
The other survivors may have been stereotypes, but I think they were real. I think that in such dire Apocalyptic circumstances, you would find people like that, people who blow holes in zombies until they run out of ammo, not thinking once to try a shot to the head.
I was a little sad to see Michelle lock up, if only because she's the only female and, until they find more people, she might be the savior of the human race. Ben and Logan look to be examples of past behaviors not changing due to emergencies.
The diary concept worked well as did the incomplete ending (which seems to be a cliche for any zombie flick or story).
Excellent work. Wholly believable with a dash of otherworldly drama thrown in. You could tell this would be a strange tale when the horse, Amigo, took off with such speed, purpose and awareness. This was a very exciting tale.
An interesting preface or prologue. The author reveals that the story may be about something supernatural by laying a nice foundation for it.
However, the description of her story is short and vague. She describes herself as content and paints herself as an idyllic housewife looking to better herself and her family while pushing away sorrow. Then, she mentions her wolf. I'm not sure if it's a metaphor or symbol or a reference to a werewolf.
Perhaps if the author could lay some groundwork for meeting this wolf, such as unhappiness with her marriage that makes her stray or some betrayal by a friend that leads up to something ominous. I can't quite put my finger on it, but the story was lacking something to make me want to ready further.
Style-wise, the story is almost flawless. It reads well, so I think a slight tweak here or there could help the content.
Very genuine and heartfelt. The poem reads more like an ode and obviously comes straight from the heart. It is written like I think most good poems should be -- by letting the words flow from within so it doesn't sound like it has been rewritten to rhyme.
The style is short, but to the point and embellishes all of the emotions the writer surely felt. I understand this is only her second poem but she obviously poured her heart into it. I can only hope that it soothed her tortured soul to put her anguish into words.
Ah, finally, the mystery of "grandma" is solved. I had a feeling it would be Cathy when she was first introduced. Still, this was a funny segment and John sounded just like the typical Wall Street exec. He might have been a blatant stereotype but his reaction to the hole in the hull and the hole in his suit was priceless. And so was Don's solution -- duct tape; is there anything it can't fix?
Hopefully, there will be many more stories. The entire style of this series has been excellent (makes me wonder why the author is even on WDC). The stories have complete plots, leaving little up in the air (save for some minor glitches). The characters come to life and the stories have both thrills and humor. They would make for fine reading any time of the day or night.
Another great addition. The French on the Moon sound just like the French on Earth and the Germans seem pretty accurate, too. The story has wit and the fast-thinking Don, a man I've come to admire as I look forward to more of his adventures. It's always great when a character is created that appeals to most people and one that makes you want to read further.
The description of New Paris could mirror old Paris (and probably does).
A few things to remember:
1) "Jerry" is a derogative term for Germans, but was used mostly by the British. The French would typically and most likely use "Boche" or "Fritz" as they did during both world wars. Brits used "Jerry" and Americans used "Huns" and "Krauts."
2) It sounds like the dialogue is imitating German and French, but it might be better is Pepe and Adolph said "Ja" and "oui" instead of "yah" and "wei." Also, for those not familiar with the fact that the letter "w" really isn't pronounced in German, it might be better is Adolph said "swine" instead of "svine." Some readers might see it as a typo.
Wow, this story is amazing. I could practically build my own farm just from the technical points mentioned. I really liked how earlier items were rediscovered, like Frodo in She-Lob's lair in "Return of the King" when he remembers the mystical light Galadriel gave him in the very first film "Fellowship of the Ring." Here, the smooth surface inside the cave from "Made on the Moon" figures prominently.
Perhaps it was a little too convenient that the cave had both the water and the carbon Don and Mark needed, but I was able to get past that (at least it wasn't fantastic like Honor Harrington's space operas).
A few sticking points:
1) It seems like "but that's another story" is getting overused. The phrase is used once in each tale (but twice in this one). Maybe phrase could be mixed with "I'll explain later" or something to that effect so it doesn't wear thin with the reader.
2) I'm familiar with "klicks" as a substitute for "kilometers," but many readers might not be. A simple explanation upon first use would probably clear this up.
3) The narrator mentions that this wife suggests bringing poultry and other farm animals up to the Moon. I'm guessing that Gale is Don's future wife because he doesn't mention her by name.
Nice story. Clipped, but taut, saying all it needed to say in only a few words. I like how Don is developing into a man who is quick on his feet.
By the way, the narrator mentions that, due to zero successful finds, it was a good thing he, Mark and Gale had jobs back at the Lunar base. I take it this story was set before Don found all that valuable iron. I would think he was set for life and didn't need to work for money.
This is Greg from the Writer's Academy Reviewer's Club.
The saga keeps getting better and better. Of course, the attention to detail is fantastic, as usual. This time, it's the detail about the watch and the little reminder from 6th grade science about magnetism. Good catch of something a lot of people forget. As written, it's completely believable that Don could find make the discovery. The only thing I think is missed with the attention to detail is just how Don had all that money to plunk down. Lunar Jungle Juice had a big part, no doubt, so maybe it could be referenced that his profits from the juice were used to buy the ore rights.
There is a big glitch this time around. The man the kids refer to as "grandpa" and who is narrating the story says that he and Uncle Mark are the protagonists who helped save the Orange shell and later started Lunar Jungle Juice. However, at the beginning of this tale, the narrator refers to both of them as "Uncle Don and I" (see first and third paragraphs). Is Uncle Mark narrating now or is this a glitch?
Greg again from the Reviewer's Club. As with the first tale, this is excellently done. The attention to detail is astounding, such as how the farms, water tanks and reclamation tanks are built, how the makeshift rocket is created and, especially the still. One would think the author had some insider knowledge. I also like the explanation of the history of "jungle juice" (by the way, the real reason alcohol wasn't allowed on sailing ships wasn't just for the potential breakdown in discipline, but for the accidents when sailors had too much to drink -- cutting lines, spilling tar on the deck, damaging the rudder, putting the ship off course, being too inebriated to react to emergencies like storms or pirate and, worst of all, just plain falling overboard).
This tale had some humor which was a nice way to break up the seriousness of the first story.
The only problem I had was with the time line. In the first story of this saga, 2010 is mentioned as the year the great powers decided to build a colony on the moon. Five years later, we read of Russian rocket boosters sending robots to the Moon. Soon after, men land and have a two-week window in which to build the Orange shell.
Then, in this tale, it's mentioned that the shell is actually completed in 2020. It would seem the shell was built in 2015. Could the date refer to when the atomic reactor was finished? Even though more work is done on the Orange -- floors, shops, etc. -- it doesn't seem like it would take five years to complete.
Aside from that, this is a very good tale.
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