Simply excellent. Hi, my name is Gregory and I'm a member of the Reviewer's Club at the Writing Academy. I thought this story was excellent. It sounded down-to-Earth (no pun intended) and was easy to follow and stay interested in.
I loved the attention to detail, especially all the hours of waiting (reminded me of my Navy days). The descriptions were detailed, from the 50- and 60-degrees below zero temps on the tundra to the awkwardness of the space suits and gloves. I really liked the quick references to the current luxuries like Lunarbrook steaks and the reminder of just how bad it used to be (sounds like something any grandparent would say).
The plot was thrilling and gripping, with the constant problems mentioned about the lunar sun and the rush to build the Orange.
The only plot twist I had a bit of trouble with -- and it's just an opinion, mind you -- is somehow I don't think it's far enough into the future. With the shuttle about to be retired this year and a replacement not due until 2015 (and with the Russians getting the most out of its Soyuz retreads), I don't see how a Lunar colony is doable in 2010. I realize five years elapse before Russian boosters begin lifting supplies and men into space (where are the new American, European and Chinese shuttles, by the way?), but personally I don't see such a thing happening until the next presidential election. Anyway, those are my two cents (which, in today's economy, is worth about a Filipino peso).
Excellent story-telling. I read this in Writer's Bump, Issue #7. Marvelous narration. It quickly sets the tone with some rich descriptions that allowed me to picture the scene quite vividly. I thought I might be somewhere on the coast of Washington state or Maine.
The protagonist certainly had a fertile imagination and it was easy to get caught up in the tension. What was the creature? The narrator's mind getting the better of him was like most of us (I hope) were as kids, using our minds to be creative to escape the worries of the world.
The ending was nice. I had thought that, maybe, it was a bear or something, so I was mildly amused to see that it was something friendly, most likely a dog.
This is a refreshing change. I really like WDC but I think it's good to get professional reviews now and then. I appreciate the reviews I get from WDC members, but I temper them with the thought that they are like me -- amateurs aspiring to greater heights. That why I try to find silver linings in many of the reviews I've given if the writing isn't good.
I am a journalist by trade and have both praised and ripped people in reviews of books, CD's and concerts (more than once I've felt like jumping on a plane, flying to New York and punching a publisher in the face for daring to assault my sense with a book). I can't pull myself to do it on WDC because the writers here are looking for guidance. Alas, I've gotten so many 4.5 and 5.0 ratings that I'm starting to get an ego. I get upset now if someone only gives me a 4.0. Talk about hubris.
I liked the remark about great writers having editors, publishers and agents in tow. You won't find that on WDC. We're aspire but the purpose of this site is for amateurs like myself to get feedback and ideas on how to improve. Other writers here don't need to be professionals to review the pieces. They actually have more of an impact because they represent the type of people who will (one day maybe?) buy our works.
No, they don't have agents in tow, but are more like minor leaguers, gaining experience and moving up to more advanced levels like A, AA and AAA. As with baseball, we know most of them won't make it to the pros and, indeed, many are content to stay in the minors, knowing their limitations or having no real pro aspirations.
Thus, the only people who should be submitting items here should be those with stars in their eyes, those who really want to be published and those curious to see just what kind of potential they might have (in the world of e-books and e-publishing, anything is possible now).
No arachnophobia here. This is a fun piece and seems unchanged from its creation 12 years ago. The rhymes are both fun and informative. I like how the various oddities of the spiders is explained from their webs to their fangs to their eating habits of sucking out bodily fluids (done in a way that won't gross out readers). A nice ending, too, like a child's nursery rhyme.
Good potential, but with plenty of room for improvement. For starters, the author mentions two identical boys with purple hair. But, the author keeps referring to the purple-headed kid talking. Which one of the two (!) purple-haired kids is talking. It's confusing.
The story needs to be treated like a prologue (sort of a lead-in that hooks the reader and makes them more interested in the rest of the book).
The characters of the GEMS are interesting and are good points to expound upon, hopefully with background stories and some history on the enemy.
Good work. Marjorie is very beautifully described as is her quest to get the remnants of "Bridget Jones' Diary" out of her head in favor of company for the night. I liked the setting of the bar and vivid way the author brings it to life.
On the other hand, I was not so enamored of John. The story is supposed to be seen from the viewpoints of two lonely people in a one-night stand. However, what we get is Marjorie's point of view before the one-night stand and John's view afterward. John is only superficially described and the story ends rather abruptly.
I wanted to know John's motivations for being at the bar and I wanted to know about Marjorie's reaction the next day as well. I felt disappointed.
A good start, though it might be a good thing if the author tells the reader if this is a prologue or part of a chapter of a larger work. I thought it was a stand-alone so I had to go back and look at it again when I got to the abrupt ending.
Style-wise, I feel the piece needs some work to better set the mood. The author recovered some of it with his description of Mrs. Parkson, but more is needed. I was stumped as to how the detective figured out the woman had a fractured hip just by seeing that she had a cane. The wording makes it seem like she has a giant cast around her waist that is visible to everyone (try looking up "hip fractures" on www.eorthopod.com for reference).
There are some grammatical mistakes that can be easily fixed like in the fourth line from the bottom. The apostrophe should be before the word "til" as it signifies the omission of the letters "u" and "n" from the base word.
Also, the title of the protagonist is that he is a detective with the California Police Department. Is he with the California Highway Patrol, some sort of state detective force like the Georgia Bureau of Investigation or is he with one of the local county or city law enforcement agencies? This really needs to be cleared up. California once did have the California State Police, but its 271 officers were folded into the CHP in 1995.
This piece does have a lot of potential and I'm not sure if the author was just putting a little of it out here for readers to review so he/she could see what was being done wrong or right. A lot of clarification with the writing and the purpose is needed.
Too funny. Who hasn't had a disastrous blind date? Larry does sound exactly like Joe Pesci, so I appreciated the comparison as it gave me something to visualize. I liked the author's honesty and ability to poke fun at herself. The date was as I expected, but the last line I'll make a point to write down for future reference:
“Remember, Larry is still out there, single, and looking for a mate.”
Substituting in the appropriate name, I can get a lot of miles out of it with my future wife.
Great style, with a rhyme scheme that flows smoothly and isn't forced. It speaks volumes about gang life and street life but without a lot of unnecessary words. Personally, I liked the first two stanzas as the author tells us about the plague and candidly admits to not knowing why he did it. A strong admission.
The only problem I found is the last stanza. The previous four used a 6-4-4-6 arrangement of lines per stanza, so the fifth paragraph was the proverbial fifth wheel. Also, the rhyme scheme of the first four rhymed each line whereas the fifth stanza rhymed every other line.
Other than this minor glitch, the poetry was excellent.
Simply fantastic. Embodies the author's emotions and the realization that, one day, all of us reach -- that we are our parents, directly or indirectly, consciously or subconsciously.
I like the way the words flow. I also like the style of having subsequent sentences of the thought tabbed out to stand apart. It makes them hit with more force.
I take no offense. This seems to be presented from the view of someone who was there on 9/11 and then went off to fight the terrorists. Confusion is always a major symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (both on 9/11 and in Iraq).
I liked the style and the terror of 9/11 is made real with the two planes hitting the tower and the reference to ash as snow.
The only major mistake was saying that 11 months later, the protagonist is on a plane to Iraq. We didn't invade Iraq until March of 2003, nearly 18 months after 9/11. The war in Afghanistan -- aka Operation Enduring Freedom -- began Oct. 7, 2002, almost 13 months after the attack by Al Queda.
Obviously not an endorsement of Kenya, which once looked promising but is now saying that up to 10 million of its people face starvation. The poem is raw and emotional, venting frustration on the corrupt fat cats who eat heartily from both the harvest and from the public till while those in need suffer, growing with anger and resentment.
Very good, except I don't exactly know why the second stanza was repeated at the end. It may have been to emphasize the fat cats, but it sounded awkward to me.
Definitely honest and heartfelt. This is almost too hard to read, as it speaks of years of angst and emotional misery between the author and her father.
The style of the poem is sharp, terse and direct, much like I think her father was (I wonder if this trait was subconsciously passed on to her?).
It was easy to read and follow and sounded so angry and hurt.
Wow, this is harsh. But, it seems totally heartfelt and original. The author makes a great allegory for the way our country has treated its veterans, but I think a key point was misconstrued. It is shameful the way they've been treated and the comparison to a trash can that no one empties is oh so apt, but I think the inference to millions of veterans being treated similarly is off the mark.
Still, the author has made a strong case to look beyond the current state of the trash can/veteran and see what it was before and might still be again.
It has its moments, but the rhyme scheme was jarring. The poem says a lot in a few words about the author's "awakening" of sorts to reality, but I think it would work better if just one scheme was used. The first stanza has no rhymes. The second stanza rhymes the second and fourth lines. The third rhymes each line.
Also, it seems as if on one line that the author rearranges the words awkwardly to make the line rhyme:
"That I never before could do."
The poem was an easy pace and then that line came in like something out of Shakespeare.
Overall, a good message that just needs a little consistency.
Funny stuff and very interesting, too. I'd never even heard of Payette Lake until now, so I have some more useless information for "Jeopardy." The one about Einstein was amusing and, though the accuracy may be in question, one can imagine them being said about Einstein, who did have an air of absent-mindedness when he was deep in thought.
Fantastic. The style is great, presented a little bit at a time and then, in your face, with the plague. I can imagine Jane all alone in the middle of the city. The author has made me sympathize and empathize with her with the grass in the sidewalk cracks. It is also a stark reminder to the power of nature.
Wow, what a conundrum. Stuck with a vapid girl with no intellect and being sent in to kill the one girl he really likes. A good introduction to the story, it has a good style (save for the incredibly long final paragraph). The only sticking point I could find was the reason for the assassination. The king and his son are presented as being well-liked by the people and yet the Prince is about to sneak into Arcturus and assassinate a princess. If that doesn't start a war, I don't know what will. Perhaps a little more could be mentioned about why she has to die.
And, the last paragraph needs to be chopped up into three paragraphs.
Honest and heartfelt. While I admit having to write such a letter to a university was unknown to me (I went to a state university), this one was very well presented. The style is easy to follow, with a very good introduction, cause and effect, and resolution (aka "lessons learned").
Excellent. I'm sure John Lennon would be proud. Okay, that was a joke. But, seriously, this is an excellent poem. It doesn't need a rhyme scheme; it just makes its case and nails it one the head.
A good start, save for the incredibly long paragraphs. The attention to detail is amazing and there is an atmosphere of mystery from the dreams. It does sound Lovecraftian in its tone.
But, I wonder if, possibly, it's too much Lovecraft. It seems to treat the reader as if he/she is a child, with the introduction of Orson Welles as an American actor and the actor Gregory Peck. It sounds almost condescending, yet the mention of March 29 and the world turning off electricity for an hour make it seem like 2009 (note: if so, March 29 is a Sunday).
I'm not sure what a happy medium would be, save to assume the reader understands certain things and then explain the obscure points (since no definition of "cephalopod" was given).
Wow, both profoundly tragic and emotionally uplifting at the same time. The rhyme scheme doesn't interfere with the message (they often do in such poems). I felt myself feeling for both characters.
Excellent work.
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