Remind me to call you when I need a family obit. A nice piece, explains the man's life in full while throwing in that gruesome yet ironic twist at the end.
Review courtesy of the Reviewing Club of the Writing Academy.
An odd, but very entertaining piece to say the least. Where is Nigel? What is happening to him? Is that even his real name?
The style was crisp and the plot keeps moving. Yeah, it can be confusing but it did remind of the film sequences with Bowman in "2001: A Space Odyssey" and between Bowman and Dr. Floyd in "2010." Sort of surreal and disconcerting, as if reminding us that we don't know or understand everything just yet.
There were a few grammatical and style items that need checking:
1) In the fourth paragraph, it says there is a white piece of torn cloth on the table that had ONE word written on it. Then, in the next sentence, the "word" is actually eight words.
2) In the fifth paragraph, defining the pen as narrowing down to a sharp point is redundant is it is called a ballpoint.
3) In the sixth paragraph, there is a sentence that says: [ Nigel picked it up; it was very light, and squinted at the circular dial. ] Instead of a semicolon, you should use hyphens before and after "it was very light."
4) "Anti-clockwise" should probably be "counterclockwise."
5) In the fifth paragraph, the word should be "glean" instead of "gleam." "Glean" means to pick up information piece by piece or bit by bit.
Other than these minor things, this was a very nice piece.
A nice piece of work. Definitely Orwellian and futuristic with a good moral theme. Though none of the characters were really fleshed out, I got enough of Orville and Waldo (hmm, apparently in Utopian and Dystopian societies, the odd names are common) to have a feel for the personalities. Orville was the seasoned veteran, able to temper compassion with enforcement. Waldo fit the profile of the eager young officer, obediently following the law but loose enough to learn a thing or two.
I was a bit disappointed, though, that Martineze was only hinted at. She could have been replaced by a simple robot with no effect on the story or Waldo could have substituted the word "officer" for her.
The only real problem I saw was in the first four paragraphs when the tense switched between present tense and past. Since 90 percent of the story was past tense, then the other 10 percent should be as well to avoid confusion.
Heartfelt and agonizing to be so close to freedom but yet so far. A moving piece with no grammatical problems. The narrative seemed real, as I expected Joa to act like he wanted to get away, like the average person who doesn't want to get involved, no matter where they might be on the planet.
Thank goodness for the prompt, eh? At first, it was sorrowful and full of reminiscing and I wasn't sure where things were going. Then, the ending came and I was mortified. Then, I saw that the story had been written for a contest prompt and then, I found it funny.
Crisp writing and only a couple of spelling mistakes -- "were" instead of "where" in the first paragraph and "independantly" instead of "independently" when the narrator talked of his being wealthy.
Very chilling and with a twist ending that was very convincing. The pacing was taut though it could have benefited from another 500-600 words. I say that because the plot was a stretch. I could buy the concept of someone being interested in a strange building. But, for a young woman to throw all caution to the wind and check it out, to the point of talking to a homeless stranger, walking down a long, dark alley by herself (after finding the front doors locked) and basically breaking into the building through a side door. Curiosity could only be taken so far. It basically said something awful was going to happen to her.
Perhaps there could have been a reason for the young lady to be at the building. Maybe she was an independent realtor who had been having no luck getting clients. Then, she sees the big empty building sitting totally vacant and decides to talk to the owner. She could be warned by the homeless man, but suck it up as her rent is coming due and she needs to make a commission.
Grammatically, the first paragraph altered between present and past tense several times.
Again, I thought it was a good piece, but I just couldn't swallow the premise. Had this been a movie, I would have said the young lady was impossibly naive and the plot too cliche.
It took me three years of living in Japan to finally begin to understand Haiku. Writing a review wasn't included.
Okay, this is an excellent piece. Though it was only 17 words, it conveyed a thousand words to me. I got the vision of a fierce thunder storm with brilliant lightning, so frightening that the cat was still hiding. That's the impression that I got.
I found no spelling or grammatical mistakes, other than the comma at the beginning of the third line instead of at the end of the second line.
Excellent stuff. Tension, fear, anger, all of the usual zombie stuff, though I'm sure more of the Revelation angle will be explained later. The one really good thing is that Karen's bite wound hasn't made her a zombie (I've gotten so tired of that angle).
That said, James is kind of fleshed out (no pun intended) with the description of his heavy clothes, although I thought he was a biker and not a car driver. Amy and Karen could use a little more character. Karen at least acted as if she had just escaped certain death while Amy sounds like she just went on a camping trip.
I couldn't really find any grammatical mistakes other than that the chapter ends abruptly and incompletely.
A very good narrative. Perhaps some of the machines that failed and caused the downfall of Mankind could be explained. As it stands, it seems too broad to just say "the machines."
Also, these grammatical mistakes took away from the story:
1) There should probably be a comma instead of a period between the first and second sentences of the second paragraph. With the period, both sentences are incomplete,
2) In the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, it should be "were" instead of "where." In the next sentence, it should be "humanity's survival" not "humanities, survival."
3) "Surely" instead of "Surly." Two completely different words here.
4) In the sixth paragraph, it should read [ Our kind could do nothing but bear witness, to the end of humanity, our builders. All that creators had granted us was the power to see to lesser matters. We served the human's needs as, nursemaid for the young, caretakers of the sick, and recorders of history. We would offer to teach the humans what we knew of language, the glory of their past, and the basic technical skills that let us maintain our selves. ]
5) In the eight paragraph, it should be "desperate" instead of "disparate." Again, two completely different words. In the next sentence, it should be "dying" instead of "dieing."
Overall, the story has promise. It just needs a bit of touch-up with the grammar and something more specific. As it stands, it's a little too broad and general, sounding more like a template for any story about Mankind's end.
An excellent story. The grammar and style are almost flawless. The story is tight, with very good descriptions of both Lily and Demetria. The story of the Night People was fleshed out and easy to understand, as was Demetria's sorrow. Perhaps the reason for hating her father was brought up and then dropped too fast with no explanation.
The ending, though sad, was also happy at the same time.
Now this is an excellent use of just three prompts. This story is complete -- beginning, middle and end. And it was suspenseful as well, as we wonder just why Penny is scribbling all over the walls. The reaction of the teacher was used to good effect, being fearful instead of scornful as if she was totally overwhelmed by what Penny was doing.
The explanation for Penny's actions and the consequences of them are more than adequately explained, in such a way that the reader would want to see the story greatly expanded.
A very good poll, but you left out the penultimate cartoon of the '80s. "G.I. Joe" should be in place of "Speed Racer," which was a show from the late 60's to early 70's.
A very good story that does offer some promise of a thriller, though it could use a few tweaks with the plot and style. The overall plot is good, though I think the football game is too detailed. I thought it slowed the pace of the story down. The story began with Mikey whining about possibly missing his game and then lamenting having to take Matt along, showing his immaturity and selfishness. It was also good when Matt was rebuked too roughly for running onto the field.
Then, the game was explained in detail and the story slowed down. Even when Matt was noticed to be missing, the story was slow to heat up. Perhaps, Mike needed to panic a little quicker. Also, I think the entire chapter should have been finished. "Just as they were about to leave" did not make me want to know more. That partial sentence could have referred to anything, from news of Matt to a phone call from Mike's dad. If this was a partial chapter meant to stir interest, it needs a better hook to keep the reader hanging.
As for style, it was awkward that the first paragraph (which should more appropriately be a prologue or intro) was told in first person, only to have the first chapter in third person. We can infer that the Michael in the intro is the Mike in the first chapter. Both sections should probably stick to first person or third person. It's very awkward to switch tenses. Is the story autobiographical? If yes, it should be first person. If it isn't, it should be third person.
One other minor point. In the second sentence of the paragraph that explains the football game, it reads:
"There were two reasons that they are having the game;"
It should be past tense with the verb "were" because the rest of the story is past tense.
Excellent tale. The writing was crisp, easy to understand and even easier to follow. Though I know this was but an excerpt and I couldn't quite figure out things like where and when, what I did read was very good. Though the characters of Greg and the vigilante weren't fully drawn, it wasn't necessary as I could get a feel for them simply by reading Greg's thoughts of the interruption by his servant and by the use of the word "inferiors."
The vigilante sounded incredibly naive, maybe too naive to be a vigilante. That was the only drawback to the story. If he was brave enough and strong enough to actually cause Greg to take his call, I couldn't imagine him seriously thinking that the dictator would repent after a couple of days of thought.
Great new use of LASER. Some of it went over my head the first time I read, but I seemed to get it the second time around. The flow is good though, as I said, it might take a few readers before the message begins to show.
A simply excellent and heartbreaking story. The contrast between the real-time medical emergency room efforts and the flashbacks was uncanny. It made Lara and Nuel seem all the more real and made it all the more emotional for Lara in that operating room.
The medical terminology sounded authentic, though it should be "joule" not "jule" for the power reference on the defibrillator.
The scenic descriptions were vivid and believable, though I did have to guess where they spent the fourth night as it wasn't mentioned if they'd gone to a motel or bed & breakfast (most likely a motel).
The lyrics from Melissa Etheridge were a really nice touch and very apt for the story.
A very interesting poem. Obviously the narrator feels guilt at not helping, but it also seems as if it's a guilt trip
that is totally unnecessary in that he may not have been able to help. What can the average Joe be expected
to do when a car plunges into a river and sinks?
The explanation at the end about the horrible murder left me confused. Nowhere is it explained that this was a murder. It's just explained as a car breaking through a railing and the people being submerged. I would
guess that the guilt and shame come from standing there gawking instead of calling for help.
Anyway, the feelings the narrator has seem real and deep and gut-wrenching.
I think this poem could use some separation. I think the lines being all together in one gigantic stanza hurt
the piece. If you blink and lose your place, it's hard to go back and find it.
Truly sad, but somehow rich and vibrant at the same time. The description of her room and of the sunshine
and of her longing to be like the people outside was touching. The description of herself and her plight went
straight to my heart. I could practically feel her disappointment and yearning to be free of the room.
Grammatically, the piece was near perfect, save for the first sentence of the last paragraph. I wonder if the
sentence should have read "...more persistent of late" instead of "...than late." I'm not sure because the '
setting of the piece appears to be in London. The semantics of the Queen's English might be different.
Wow, this is a harsh tale. You can feel the woman's terror and the description of Takagsi Hashimoto drips
with villainy. The violence with the killing of the baby was harsh, perhaps much too, though I strongly suspect
that it goes with the man's evil and, hopefully, to the woman's strength.
Hopefully future chapters will detail exactly what has happened to the world. As the story reads now, I can't
quite fathom how Japan could have overrun the world (figuring on just how it could conquer Russia, China
and America would be hard enough).
I definitely liked this piece. The way the scene is described in the beginning as the road curves brought the scene to me vividly. The mention of the yucca and cactus was a nice touch.
Tracy and Bobby come across as sympathetic and very likable, very easygoing and very much in love.
The dialogue wasn't strained and seemed very real and honest, not forced. It was also good to see Tracy arguing for keeping the car instead of Bobby, though I also liked that Bobby was being practical to try to support his family.
The only downer I had (and it was a small one) was that I didn't know what war Bobby was in -- WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm, Iraqi Freedom, Enduring Freedom?
A cute little tale, mostly coherent, though in need of expansion. The sentences and the ideas behind the paragraphs and plot are rather basic, though it is good that the conflict is explained, including the part about its length and futility.
The story reads more like a collection of story ideas that could (and should) be expounded and expanded upon.
A beautiful and poignant tale. Heartfelt. The flow is easy to follow, with a beginning, middle and end that keep the story going. It wasn't confusing. The memory of "Daddy's Little Girl" resonated with me; the version by the Mills Brothers is the most played song on my iTunes.
Very good work.
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