I'm fairly sure this is English, but that's about all I can be sure of. It avoids the solid black wall of type but makes up for it by the countless repetition of numbers. It's just a confusing sea of ones and zeros.
Upon looking this over once again, I'm pretty sure I'm reviewing Spam.
I'm not sure what this is. If it's a rough draft, just notes to yourself about a work in progress, then fine. I can talk about lack of punctuation and plot and all the rest.
However, if it's really a short story all on its own, there's not much I can say in a positive vein. I was lost throughout the entire piece. You seem to have three or four scenes all jammed into a very small space.
I know this sounds very discouraging and I really don't want to be. Keep writing and read authors here that you like. Learn from them, find your own voice and tell your stories. You can do it!
You have the beginnings of a lovely little ghost story on your hands. I like the plot and the way you describe the interaction between the characters.
You do have some work to do on this, mainly with punctuation and sentence structure. The sentences in the first paragraph could be edited to make the story more readable.
I walked out from the thick of the forest,the smell of eucalyptus following me. My feet crunched against the dry earth and fallen leaves as I made my way towards a tree in the middle of a clearing. It was as if this tree was pulling me to it. I don’t know why, but I needed to be close to this tree. I needed to touch it. I didn’t recognize the area. I don’t think that I had been here before, but this didn’t make me uncomfortable. I wasn’t worried about being lost, and the closer I got to the tree, the calmer I felt.
Do a little tweaking and this sweet little ghost story will be even sweeter.
Oh, a limerick! I have great admiration for anyone who can write them successfully. This is a pretty good one. I really like your second line "Weather was cruel and water cool". Overall, the limerick is very good, but the last line didn't work as well as the first four. However, I have no suggestions on how you can fix it. Sorry.
Well done! You have captured very well the emotion felt when a person says that for the first time. I remember those days and you've brought them all back. Your title was just intriguing enough to make a reader want to open the story.
You have lots of sentence fragments, but they fit the story and I wouldn't worry about them. It's a good little story!
What an eerie little story! You captured quite well the voice of a young child telling his story. The only changes I might make to the body of the work is to consider calling the mother "Mommy" or "Mama" rather than "Mother". It will make the child seem younger which is more in keeping with the rest of the story.
Usually I tell the writer to clean up the grammar right about now, but not in this case. The only thing I would fix is that "to" in the phrase "TOO young to swim good". Actually you might think about deliberately using the wrong tense. "There was dark little fish..."
A worthy entry to the Six Word Story Contest. It's amazing how those few little words can say so much! I wonder about the circumstances of the note. Is it just a quick note scribbled on a scrap of paper as a child heads out the door, an apology for a chore left undone, a cheap vase broken. Or is it something more? The final communication between a mother and a child, carefully written before the irreparable happens?
I scared the cat by laughing out loud while reading this one! It was both funny and touching in spots. You have a real gift for dialogue {or a very interesting family life}. I really wouldn't change the substance of this piece at all.
There are typos, but once you locate them, they're easy enough to deal with. You mention "Wahlia" at one point and then "Wigilia" at another. I'm not sure if those are the same thing or not. Review the rules about punctuating speech, but please don't mess with the dialogue! It's wonderful!
What a sad little story! I really hope this one is fiction. It certainly is told from the heart. I would have liked more of a description of the "main characters", your grandfather and the house so I could picture them both.
I have a little advice about the technical side of things. This work needs paragraphs. Lots of them! It will be so much easier to read. Numbers should be written out. Many of your sentences are very long and probably could be split into two smaller sentences. There are misspellings. Measly, not misely, for example. It should be "grandparents' house", not "grandparent's house". Look carefully. You'll probably find more little mistakes, but they are fairly easy to correct.
My first reaction upon reading this piece was "Uh. Okay. That was different. Now what do I say?" and it pretty much still is. I can't really say much as to the content, but I did like this piece. You have a distinctive voice, rather jaded or cynical, but distinct.
I would consider changing that list in the middle of the piece. It would work just as well incorporated into the story.
"Once you take that journey down Death Street, there are two streets. But before going toward death, here's a few things you should know. First, you could live a bad life and then die and go to hell. You could live a hell of a life and then die and go to hell. Finally, you could have little to no life, die and you will still more than likely go to hell."
I think you need some commas to break up the action a bit. There are some errors that need to be fixed before this is a finished piece.
Oh, and when you talk of Life as a being, you might want to capitalize her name. {After all, you really don't want to make her angry, do you?}
Your title fits this eerie little tale perfectly. I had a few questions about what was "reality" and what was "nightmare" but that may be just the nature of the beast. It certainly didn't detract from the story.
You have a few errors to clean up. It should be "its" instead of "it's" when you mean something belonging to it. "Its textured paint finish", not "It's {It is} textured paint finish". Indicating a new paragraph by a line space makes your piece easier to read. Spell out Terra's age: I turned seventeen, not I turned 17.
As a rough draft, this shows some promise. The reader needs to want to know why the girl is in the woods, who those other teens are, etc., to keep reading and I think you accomplish this.
You need to do a lot of work of the technical side of this piece. You have capital letters sprinkled oddly throughout the work. For example: Crven Glared daggers at him. When writing dialogue, each time a new person speaks, you need a new paragraph. The punctuation for the dialogue goes inside the quotation marks. "My name's Katelyn," I hissed. Break up the paragraphs with blank lines. They'll be easier for the reader to deal with, and easier for you to catch any errors. Fix these problems and the other mistakes and you'll have a much stronger piece and a good start on your novel.
Oh, what a lovely story! I read each word with delight. I could almost feel the swaying of the train, hear the wheels clacking down the track as I read.
You have a few errors, very easy to deal with once you find them. Countryside should be one word. Perhaps it should be "many of whom" rather than "many of which", "dining" in place of "dinning". These are minor, though.
Your little tale reminds me so much of stories a friend tells me of Alaska and the Great White North. You have a promising story on your hands. I did notice a few things I'd change, though. Moose does not need to be capitalized unless it is the name of a character. Oh, and I can just imagine the kids asking "What about the girl mooses?" You talk about a boy moose and his antlers, but don't mention anything about his sisters or future girlfriends. They'll ask. A better metaphor for fireweed than going into overdrive would be better, too. I'm not sure your audience of children will know what that is.
Line breaks between paragraphs would make this easier to read. Also, for this age group, when in doubt, make it into multiple paragraphs. There are typos and little mistakes here and there, but those are easy to correct {once you find the elusive little critters!}. You might want to consider adding some dialogue to your story, too.
You have a fine, folksy voice here, one that will appeal to your intended audience.
You have the start of a good story here. The relationship between the two characters is promising.
You do have a few problems with spelling and punctuation to fix. For instance, switch the "3 seater" to a "three seater". Look carefully for the spelling mistakes and the missing or misplaced apostrophes. Deal with those and you'll have a much stronger story.
I liked your story. You have a good relationship established between your characters.
You might want to consider breaking up some of those longer paragraphs. I noticed a number of typos, too. If you clean up the mistakes, you'll have a much better story.
An interesting take on the future. I wonder if that's how it's going to be.
I like the dialogue and the relationship between your characters. I would do some work on the technical aspects of this story. The proper use of quotation marks seems to be giving you a lot of trouble. Fix this and the other typos and you will have a much stronger story.
You express a lot of emotion in this piece. The reader can tell immediately that you love your son deeply. The only things I suggest you change have to do with the mechanics of the piece, not the sentiments expressed.
I would suggest you use blank lines to delineate the paragraph breaks. It will make it more comfortable for your readers AND it will make it easier for you to edit as the piece grows. I found a number of typos, "your" when it should be "you're", "then" instead of "than", etc. Once you find them all, it should be simple to fix them. Oh, and usually numbers are written out: "seventeen" rather than "17".
Keep up with this. You'll enjoy reading back over it as your son grows.
Wow! Not just another teenage vampire story wannabe. This one has some real depth to it. I'll definitely keep you on my list of authors to watch.
You do have a number of errors to clean up. Pasadena Townhouse works better as Pasadena townhouse; her hair shone, not shined; and if you can switch that "Woah" to "Whoa"... There are other mistakes but they're just typos and easy to repair.
Please finish this story. I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to know what happens between Cassandra and Nick.
Why don't you try this at a poem? It doesn't work too well as a story. It's really just a numbered list, but I can see a glimmer of potential as a work of free verse. You have a good start on something. I'm just not sure what at the moment.
Once again, fix the errors in grammar and punctuation. It's "Right as YOU'RE about...", not "Right as YOUR about..." and ITSELF is one word.
This was a very good read. I'm not sure where it's going either, but I'd certainly like to read more of your story. You express yourself quite well. There is a definite voice there; a sense of who the writer is without actually coming out and saying "I'm an eighteen year old girl with brown hair and blue eyes and ...".
I found a couple of questionable items. "Who" instead of "that" in the phrase "...friends of mine WHO worked ..." and an omitted "S" in "It's surreal...". Minor things, really. A few keystrokes and they can be fixed.
Once again, this was good. You should feel encouraged to finish it.
What an interesting little read. The dream itself was interesting and how you presented it even more so. You have several phrases that I particularly like; "my little skunky self" made me smile. The only real changes I would make would be to be consistent in the style you use to indicate paragraph breaks.
Wow! I was pleasantly surprised by this story. I know it's a rough draft {lots of spelling errors and problems with that pesky possessive tense "robin's egg blue", for example} but it really doesn't distract from the story itself. I would like to read more about this character and her family AND find out what happens to change her world so drastically.
This was quite the enigmatic little gem. I've read it three times now and I'm still not sure exactly what it is your main character does. That's fine, though. I don't think further explanation is necessary. I question your use of "cattle" in the first paragraph. For some reason it stops me each time I read it. It's a plural noun and your person is singular, perhaps. The "semi-well to do business type" needs adjusting, too. It's not quite right. Other than those two minor bobbles and maybe a typo, I didn't find anything off about this story.
A kiss from the good little witch.
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