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Musings from my mind |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'd kept a paper journal for years, so I thought I'd try this out and see how it works. I must say, I'm rather liking it!! Here's some background stuff. I'm in my 40's, doing the single mom thing with a 10 yo son. My son has ADHD, ODD and was also diagnosed with high functioning autism. He can be a challenge, but he can also be pure joy. This is my safe place. I come here to vent my frustrations, celebrate my victories, share a recipe or two and make new friends. I like it here. I hope you do too. Thanks for stopping by, Curls |
| i has a dream last night that all my teeth fell out. it was really freaky. i was not on pain meds at the time. i googled my dream.....here's what i found... http://www.dreammoods.com/ it could mean: insecurity about looks/appearance, sexual impotence/menopause or consequences of getting old fear of being embarrassed fear of making a fool of myself sense of powerlessness sense of not being heard feelings of inferiority lack of self confidence it symbolizes putting your faith, trust, and beliefs in what man thinks rather than in God, a family member or close friend is very sick or even near death, telling lies, money i don't really care for any of these. this is really bugging me. i'm open to ideas/suggestions.... curls |
| today is better. pain more tolerable. i got out of the house today for the first time. it was fun but i was real tired when we got home. i slept for several hours. i'm starting to feel human again. lets hope this trend continues and i get my strength back. thanks for stopping by curls |
| i'm slowly recovering. lots, lots more pain this time. taking lots of pain meds. sleeping alot. cant focus long enough to read my fav blogs. i'll get back to them as soon as i can. i just cant right now. you guys know i love you and i'll be back when the pain is under control. curls |
| Well, today's the big day. I sure wish these next few hours would pass quickly so I can just go and get this thing over with. Seems both Joe and my mom is getting on my nerves this morning. Not that it's any pre surg anxiety or anything....if I did have that, I wouldn't admit it because it violates my rules of "if it hurts, hide it" and "if you're scared, don't show it". Mom's the queen of stating the obvious. Don't get me wrong here. I don't want to sound ungrateful for her being here and helping me. I could not do this without her help, and I do love her very much. She just thinks out loud, bless her heart. The things that most folks would just mentally acknowledge, she feels behooved to say out loud. I think part of this comes from her living with my dad for so long. The man talks non stop, so momma doesn't get much of a chance to talk when he's around. Since he aint' here, she can talk. <sigh> I try to humor her, but it's bugging me today. She knows I'm real anal about having plans in order. To me, plans are security. I like to know what to expect, and when to expect it so I'm not surprised. I don't care much for surprises. Since she knows that, in her mind, I guess she thinks that I have to plan every fricken minute of my day, which isn't so. She asked me this morning what I was planning to do before we leave for the surgery center. I couldn't help myself, forgive me Lord. I said, "well, Momma, I thought I'd change the oil in the car, mow the lawn, and then go run a marathon." She laughed. She said, "you mean, do absolutely nothing, huh? I can't blame you" This shouldn't bother me. I should be a bigger person and give her more tolerance and grace. But it made me nuts. So, I'm a bit short on patience today. I own it. I'm not worried about today. I do have a worry, but it is not related to my surgery or Joe or the mess with the donkey. It's one of those things that will eventually resolve itself, but it isn't resolving fast enough for me. I know that if I push this particular issue, it will resolve faster, but most likely not in my favor. That is all the motivation I need to sit tight and watch it all unfold the way the universe intends it to. In the meanwhile, though, it is really weighing on my mind. Not much I can do about it, and common sense would say that if there is nothing I can do, then I shouldn't worry. Yeah, well that makes good theoretical sense, but theory and practical application in this instance seems quite far removed. Damn, I want some coffee......arrgh. Maybe we'll get to the surgery center early so they can give me some valium by IV. That way I just won't care. LOL OK, I'm gonna stop rambling now. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be fine. Thanks for stopping by, Curls |
| Well, I think I finally solved my mysterious fish tank issue. I had a coworker come over with her husband. Husband used to manage a fish store. He took one look and said, "OH, algae bloom, easy fix." I think everyone in my state heard my sigh of relief, it was so huge. So, after hearing what they had to say, I googled it, and found the following: "I have a rather annoying and frustrating problem with my 20 gallon tank. I have 2 goldfish, both about 1 year old. I've had the same tank for about 10 months. I moved to a different town in January and re-set up my tank. I vaccum the gravel every other week, I have a Aqua Clear Mini, and things were going fine. Well about a month ago I would vacuum the tank, so a water change and 2 days later the water was so green I couldn't even see my fish. This happened everytime I would clean it. I talked to people at the local pet store. The fish guy sold me another filter, Aqua Clear 150, now I have both filters on my tank. Didn't work. Then they sold me some "green water tabs" to dissolve in my tank. They seemed to work a little, but not enough to make a big difference, water still green. The last thing they sold me was "polyfilter" to put in my filter. Yeah, that didn't work eitehr. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. It's just awful! I can't clean my tank everyday! It's crazy! Thanks. " "I had the same problem in my 30 gallon tank, I was told it is an alge(sp?)bloom. It usually is caused by too much light and too much food, but changing the water just makes it worse. Seems the alge likes the fresh water because it has more oxygen. I had another 10 gallon tank that never had a problem with green water until my lid broke and the new one I bought had a fluorescent light instead of an incandescent light. After about 2 weeks with the new light I started to have problems with green water for the first time in almost 2 years.I brought the new lid back and bought one with incandescent bulbs and the problem went away." So, the light on the tank is now off. I was also told I can get this stuff called biochemzorb, and it will clear in in 24 hours or so. I'm very happy. I do like having the light on the tank on, but not if it makes the tank water green. This is very interesting to me. I've had a tank for years, years! and never had this problem before. It's cool to learn something new. oh, btw, tomorrow's surgery. I'll probably be on in the morning, before I head out. Thank you for all the support, love and prayers you've all sent on my behalf. My quote for today is: Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes of which all men have some. Thanks for stopping by, Curls |
| One more day at work, then I'm on medical leave for a couple weeks. Boy, I got a bunch done today. I like coming home knowing I put in a good hearty day at work. I'm not too tired, but don't feel like a lazy bum either. Good day! I don't really have much to say today, so I'm gonna "cheat" a little bit. I posted this comment on another website that I enjoy and I thought I'd post it here to see what kind of trouble I can stir up!! lol I have some thoughts regarding marriage, whether it be man to man, woman to woman, man to woman or man to 3 eyed billygoat, I don't care....here's what I think.... Based on the fact that very few marriages nowadays last a lifetime, I'd be in support marriage contracts. When the contract expires, they can either be renewed and celebrated in similar fashion to anniversaries, or they can be allowed to simply expire. This would relieve the court from a lot of the legal burden it has from divorce settlements. There would still need to be items worked out in court when children and property are involved, of course. Simply put, I'd like to see it become extremely costly and difficult to obtain a marriage license and very easy to get un-married, a polar opposite of how it works in our society today. I'd change the licensing fee structure, so that a first time marriage is $500, and each additional trip to the altar is an additional $500. A first time marriage license request would require a one year waiting period, a 2nd marriage, a 2 yr waiting period, etc. This would hopefully prevent the "oh shit, what have I done??!!" syndrome and the "I wasn't thinking" excuses. What do ya'll think? I'll respect your opinion even if I don't agree. Please do the same with me.... My quote for today is: Marriage is grand...Divorce is a hundred grand. Thanks for stopping by, Curls |
| Today is a much better day. It was routine! I got a lot done at work today, for which I am happy. Momma had a funny last night. I was so wrung out, so mom made dinner. Joe wanted hamburgers. I showed mom the countertop grill to cook the burgers on so the fat drains off. She plugged it in, but it didn't work. So, she got out the frying pan and made them the old fashioned way. She said she'd take the grill back home to see if Daddy can fix it. Then...get this....she asked me, "Is that a MIKE TYSON grill?" LOL, I laughed and laughed. She didn't understand what was so funny. I finally told her that she meant GEORGE FOREMAN. She laughed too. At least she got the sport right, and didn't call it a Muhammad Ali grill. Bless her heart, she can't help it. It was truly a belly laugh and a half. My quote for the day is: Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. Thanks for stopping by, Curls |
| Here's the deal about court this am. I got there about 8:15. At 8:30 they let all of us who showed up into the courtroom. One at a time, each party met with the Attorney representing Child Support Enforcement. The donkey and I got our turn around 9:15. She stated the arrearage amount and asked him if he had brought a payment in today. He stated no. She asked him why he had not been paying. He stated that he "didn't have any extra money." side note: Joe is his SON, he's a child for crissakes, he's not a f***ing EXTRA!!! With that statement, she slapped the file closed and stated we would go before the hearing officer. At 11:15 we were called up before the hearing officer. Once again the arrearage amount was stated. The attorney began questioning him. Do you own your home? Do you rent? What is your rent amount? Who lives with you? Does your home have furniture? How much is your furniture worth? Do you have a tv? How many? How large are they? What are they worth? Do you have a stereo? computer? vcr? etc, etc. Each time he had to give an estimated amount of what they are worth. She grilled him good. She was proving he had assets he could liquidate. He kept trying to make jokes about it, and was being very flippant and casual about it all. It was obvious he was not really taking this seriously. The hearing officer and the attorney were not amused. He stated that this issue was only because I got mad at him for not helping to pay for karate for Joe. There were a few snickers from the other folks in the courtroom. The hearing officer looked in the documents, and stated she saw nothing to the effect of karate, and that child support is child support, and he agreed to begin paying it at the time of mediation. He then stated that he was not a deadbeat dad, and was doing his best. The hearing officer stated that since he had not made a payment since September, and he was gainfully employed, so it was quite obvious to her that he was NOT doing his best. She asked him how much he could give today to prevent him from going to jail. He stated $20. More snickers from the courtroom. She found him in willful contempt of court, and sentenced him to 90 days in jail, reserving that sentence until Feb 26, at which time he need to have at least $750.00 paid. If not, he will be arrested and spend 90 days in jail. We further discussed the recent medical and daycare expenses he has not paid. He has 30 days to pay that, totally $109.00, or another contempt of court hearing will be scheduled for that. I did get a surprise check this weekend of almost $60. I thought it was the intercept from his tax return. It turns out an income deduction was put in place and that will be deducted from his pay every week. So, it's a start. He further revealed that his car was recently repossessed, and he borrowed $500 to get it back. Dumb, dumb, dumb. He just showed the court that he could get the $$ for his child support if he needed to. I was quite stressed from this. I left the court around noon, and went directly to the surgery center for my pre-op workup. I got done with that, and got to work at 1:30. My boss took one look at me, and asked if I was ok. I told her what happened. She saw my hands shaking, and said that I should just go home and come in tomorrow, that I was too stressed to work, and there was plenty of office coverage today. I wanted to hug her. I didn't need to be at work. I would have made my accounts more messy instead of fixing them. So, I'm home, trying to unwind. I'll be ok. I just need to destress. He's got a week, and if he don't put up, he'll go to jail. I'd rather have the $$, but him going to jail doesn't sound too bad right now either, and eventually, I'd still get the $$. Maybe now he'll realize that this isn't a game, and will start to take it seriously. I hope so anyway. I need to write some more about the relational deal with my mom, but I'll save that for another time. I'm too stressed out right now. My quote for today is: Educations can be expensive. Thanks for stopping by. Curls |
| Well, my mom should be here sometime this afternoon. I'm glad she will be here, in spite of the drama we had to go through. She's still my mom, and I love her dearly. I know she can handle Joe, and that gives me great peace. Yes, I'm concerned that she'll try the guilt trip thing again, and if she does I'll just have to handle it. Daytona 500 is today, thank the Lord, and all things living! I sure missed my Nascar! My quote today is: Where you start is no excuse for where you finish. Thanks for stopping by, Curls |
| I’m going to try one more time to type this out. Hopefully, I won’t hit the wrong key and have to start over again. I’ve been very angry, frustrated, and aggravated this week. I’ll do my best to explain why. I found out I’m going to need another surgery. This will be my 15th. This one’s scheduled for next Friday. They have to replace the hardware that’s loose, as well as do a bone graft because the bone isn’t healing well. I called my mom since she volunteered to be available for me should I need another surgery. Mom said she’d start working things out on her end and would call back later that day. She called back that evening, and the first thing she did was ask about other options that would not involve her coming down from Michigan to be with me. I got defensive. I felt as though she really didn’t want to come and help me, but felt obligated because she had volunteered herself and was hoping I would have another option to allow her to be let off the hook. I felt like telling her to not make promises she can’t keep. I felt like I was going through an inquisition. Why can’t Ron (the donkey) watch Joseph? Because we’re talking a TWO WEEK recovery period. If Joe was with Ron, who lives in a neighboring community, Ron would have to drive Joe to school every morning and drive back again to pick him up. Ron’s work day begins a couple hours before school starts. He would not be able to do this and keep his job. Furthermore, because of Joseph’s ADHD, OCD, ODD, and autism, this kind of disruption to his schedule is not in his best interest, and would cause Joe great distress. (please don’t give me the bullshit line about kids being resilient. I know my son, and what he can handle and what he can’t. It’s very easy to make global statements like this, but they aren’t very helpful when dealing with a special needs child, and I find them to be insensitive, not helpful) If that’s not enough, Ron and I have a court date on Monday. This is his contempt of court hearing for not paying child support. He will be angry and out for revenge. What better way to make me miserable than to promise he’d take care of Joe while I have surgery, only to back out at the last minute to just make things difficult for me? I can’t and don’t trust him to be a man of his word. If he were, he would have been paying child support like he agreed to, and this court date would not be necessary. Even if Ron’s schedule and the court hearing items were non existent, the consistency in the structure of Joseph’s daily routine is sufficient reason why this would not work. Can’t they postpone the surgery until April? (Mom and dad were planning to drive down in April to be here over spring break.) I find this question totally insensitive. Some may say that it is reasonable to ask this. I find it rude. If my surgeon though it could wait until April, he would have scheduled it for April. What this question is really asking, “Why can’t you just suffer for a few more months so it will be convenient for us?” There is no consideration for the pain and suffering I have been dealing with. Although it may not appear to be this way from my blogs, I’m really not a whiner or a complainer. I’ve only been able to let some of the frustration show since I’ve started blogging. Since I don’t do the drama queen thing, and just keep it to myself mostly, they assume that I’m not in pain, which is totally wrong. No, they can’t feel my pain or truly understand it, but to presume it is not there simply because I don’t whine about it is ridiculous. I feel as though my family will help me, but only after I’ve meet their criteria to show that no other option is available to me. I don’t think that’s right. I feel that my family should be the first to help me, not my last resort. Then having to justify all my reasoning really makes me feel as if they think I’m totally stupid and incapable of thinking all this through myself. Trust me, with the shit I go through to get help from my family, they are the LAST place I look for help. If there were another way, I would have taken it, no doubt. Then, Mom starts talking about all she has to go through in order to make the trip down. “Well, I’ve got to plow the driveway, get the oil changed in the car, I’ll need to bring my own food, because I can’t eat your food, I’ll need to go to the bank”….blah blah blah. I felt as if Mom was making sure I new how inconvenient this would be on her. In hindsight, I realize it was not like that, she was merely thinking out loud of all the things she’ll need to do, but she didn’t realize how insensitive it sounded. I’ve got a ton of things of my own I have to work out and I didn’t need to hear her list. I guess she felt it was important to share it all with me. Then she said that if she came down now, she wouldn’t be able to come in April, because she’s not the “First National Bank of Mom and Dad” and she would have to get into her retirement fund to pay for the trip. That really pissed me off. I went off on her. I told her that if she came down in April, she’d be getting into her retirement fund for that, so there’s no difference. I also went on to say that at least she had a fund to draw from. I’m going to be out two weeks on leave without pay, and I have no fund, so I didn’t want to hear about it from her. I used some real flowery speech when making that statement, which I later apologized for. Once again, she was just talking out loud, with no concept of how that information is received. I’m sure that she thought the “bank” statement was humorous, but I did not. I found it offensive. I found some other statements people have said lately to be offensive, but I’ll cover those later….I’m trying to keep this as linear as possible…. Anyway, she’s on her way down here to take care of me and Joe. I’m deeply thankful for it, but so aggravated that I had to go through such drama to get the help that I needed. I wish it didn’t have to be so damn hard all the time. Then, I called my sister who lives in a nearby town. She has a son Joe’s age, and they like to play together. The boys go to different schools, and they live far enough away to make it too difficult for them to have helped out for the two weeks. I called her because she was really looking forward to mom and dad coming down in April, and wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to be all bent outta shape because only mom’s coming down now instead. Do you think I’d get kindness, love and compassion? I got a tiny bit, yet, but only after going through the whole f***ing inquisition again by her. However, she added a couple more true gems of her own. “This is your 15th surgery don’t you think they can get it right by now?” This one pissed me off. She has been walking down this road with me since it began. This question was not made with any thought or sensitivity whatsoever. So, I had to go back over the surgeries again, explaining that carpal tunnel surgery is different from wrist arthroscopy, which is different from tennis elbow surgery, which is different from cubital nerve release surgery, which is different from ulnar shortening surgery. She knew all this of course, she was just looking for someone to blame. I don’t get the need to have to blame someone. Fix the problem, not the blame, dammit. Then she asked me if I had thought about getting a second opinion. I explained to her that I already had a 2nd opinion, and the 2nd opinion surgeon will be participating in this surgery as well. She commented that this 2nd opinion doc is in the same group as my surgeon, and that they just want my insurance money and are not doing this because I need it done. She then asked if I REALLY was in THAT much pain, indicating that she didn’t believe I needed this surgery. She has no medical degree or any idea what I’ve been dealing with. Once again, it’s easier to blame someone for the problem rather than get her hands a little dirty helping out. The insensitivity here is tremendous. I would expect this from people who didn’t know me that well, but from family? I find that inexcusable. Back to other’s comments….I am so appalled at how insensitive others can be. I’ve actually had some people say to me “why don’t they just cut it off and be done with it?” Excuse me, but this is my f***ing arm we’re talking about!! I don’t see anything humorous about having a vital part of my body amputated. I know I’m hyper sensitive right now. I know it, I own it. I just can’t seem to make it stop right now. I overheard someone else make a statement about someone else “blowing their brains out”. That also upset me. It obviously came from someone who has never lost anyone to suicide before. Had they been through that, they would never, ever make such a casual statement about the loss of someone’s life. This world seems such a cold, inconsiderate place to me right now. I’m tired of the insensitivity. I want love, compassion and understanding, and I don’t want to have to fight for it or justify my reason for having it. I just want it to be there because I am loved and valued. I’m angry because it’s not. I know that I can be stubborn and difficult sometimes, but I feel I shouldn’t have to justify my need for love and support. I’m going to stop now. I’m glad I was able to finally get this all out. I don’t have a quote today. Maybe once I get past all this anger I’ll be able to get back to doing that again. I just don’t have it in me right now. Thanks for coming by and spending some time with me. Curls |
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