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 |  A continuation of my criminal blogging behavior. |
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IN THE WRITING.COM DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF MICHIGAN Criminal Action No. 96-938-2 WRITING.COM Plaintiff, vs. Melissa is fashionably late!  Defendant. ************************************************************************ REPORTER'S TRANSCRIPT (Trial to Jury - Volume 222) ************************************************************************ Proceedings before the HONORABLE The StoryMaster  , Judge, Writing.Com District Court for the District of Michigan, commencing at 8:49 a.m., on the 5th day of April, 2007, in Chambers C-234, Writing.Com Courthouse.PROCEEDINGS (In open court at 8:49 a.m.) THE COURT: Please be seated. The jury has informed that they have arrived at their findings and recommendation. I caution all present to avoid any reaction to these findings and the recommendation, either audibly or visibly. And if anyone violates that, we'll have to remove them. Obviously, it will take some time to read these findings, as the recommendation is the last thing read; so please be careful and comply with this request. We'll return the jury. (Jury in at 8:53 a.m.) THE COURT: Members of the jury, have you arrived at your special findings and recommendation? JURORS: Yes. THE COURT: If the foreman will please hand that to Diane , who will hand it to me.Members of the jury, you will please listen to the reading of your Special Findings Form A. These findings apply to all 1184 counts. Under Section I, Obsessive Ranting: The defendant intentionally ranted without ceasing for multiple blog entries. Answer: Yes. Section II, Repeatedly Beating A Dead Horse The deaths or injuries resulting in death occured during the commission of an offense under 18 Writing.Com Code Section 844(d), flogging a horse until death. Answer: Yes. Section III, Unnecessary Use of Curse words The defendant used language to be found offensive during multiple occurences and showed no regard for taste or appropriate expression of emotion. Answer: Yes. Section IV, Boring Daily Recounts Death or injury resulting in death occured during the commission of an offense under 22 Writing.Com Code Section 413(c), recounting daily activity to a point of extreme boredom. Answer: Yes. Section V, Pointless Entries The defendant shared needless details of her life via multiple entries, often multiple times in a row. Answer: Yes. Section VI, Contradictory Statements The defendant often confused her readers through contradictory statements. Answer: Yes. Section VII, Recounting Toilet Actions The defendant needlessly reflected on bathroom activities. Answer: Yes. Section VIII, Overdramatization Of Insignificant Things The defendant made several mountains out of single molehills. Answer: Yes. Section IX, Overreacting To Meaningless Gestures The defendant showed a propensity to fly off the handle for actions deemed appropriate and helpful. Answer: Yes. Section X, Unnecessary Temper Tantrums Death or injury resulting in death occured during the commission of an offense under 18 Writing.Com Code Section 312(a), throwing a temper tantrum in a public forum. Answer: Yes. Section XI, Cruelty Towards Animals, Superiors, Peers, And Inferiors The defendant showed no regard for life in general. Answer: Yes. Section XII, Repeated Bad Grammar, Spelling, And Opinionations The defendant shows no respect for her college education. Answer: Yes. Section XIII, Mitigating Factors (1) Melissa is fashionably late! believed herself to be in the right each time she commited one of the 1184 counts. Number of jurors who so find: 0.(2) Melissa is fashionably late! received encouragement and support from others to commit each of the 1184 counts. Number of jurors who so find: 4.(3) Melissa is fashionably late! is a reliable person in work and in her personal affairs and relations with others. Number of jurors who so find: 7.(4) Melissa is fashionably late! is a patient and effective teacher when she is working in a supervisory role. Number of jurors who so find: 5.(5) Melissa is fashionably late! is a good and loyal friend. Number of jurors who so find: 12.(6) Melissa is fashionably late! is a good mother and wife. Number of jurors who so find: 10.Recommendation, XIV: The jury has considered whether the aggravating factors found to exist sufficiently outweigh any mitigating factor or factors found to exist, or in the absense of any mitigating factors, whether the aggravating factors are themselves sufficient to justify a sentence of life in prison. Based upon this consideration, the jury recommends by unanimous vote that the following sentence be imposed: The defendant, Melissa is fashionably late! , shall be sentenced to a period in prison not shorter than 18 years and not longer than life.The Special Findings appear to be signed by all jurors and dated April 5, 2007. XV. Certification: By signing below, each juror certifies that consideration of race, color, religious beliefs, national origin, or sex of the defendant or the victims was not involved in reaching his or her individual decision and that the individual juror would have made the same recommendation regarding a sentence for crimes in question no matter what the race, color, religious beliefs, national origin, or sex of the defendant or the victims. Apparently signed by all jurors and also dated April 5, 2007. Mr. Foreman, was these and are these the jury's special findings and recommendation: JURY FOREMAN: Yes, they are. THE COURT: And so say you all? JURORS: Yes. THE COURT: Section XVI. Sentencing Melissa is fashionably late! , the court finds you guilty on all 1184 counts of blog criminal activity. You are hereby sentenced to life in prison, with no chance of parole for a minimum of 18 years. Court is in recess. (Recess at 9:37 a.m.) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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| J's Mom had Ethan today. You think I would take this opportunity to get some extra sleep, but not me. I'm the dumbass who gets stir crazy and needs to get out of the house, so takes the baby all over here and back to run errands and go visiting. I won't complain about how exhausted I am since I did it to myself, but I will take the time to mention that I wish I hadn't made so many plans for today because I'm now going to have to get up with Cameron all night and also take care of the both of them all day tomorrow. It took me until 11:30 to get out of the house, though. J's Mom came and got E pretty close to 9 this morning. Then I had to get a shower, get dressed, put on makeup. CJ, of course, decided he didn't want it to go as smoothly as I had anticipated and kept waking up. In the meantime, I got the rest of the announcements taken care of, all of them stamped, and my thank you notes addressed and stamped. By the time I was done with that, it was almost time to leave. I gave CJ a bath, got him dressed, then fed him. We got out of the house, went and got lunch, then I went to J's work and we had a quiet lunch in his office while watching our sweetly sleeping baby. After that, I decided to kill the next hour at Target, because my next plans weren't until 2. I'm still looking for some sheer white panels for the front room, and all they had was cream. Gah! Why is it that every store is sold out of the white panels?!?! So we walked around Target for about 45 minutes. Cameron really likes being carried in the little Eddie Bauer thing. I can't wait till my Moby comes because hopefully it'll be easier to get him in and out of it. In the meantime, I found Halloween costumes for both boys. Ethan is going to be a monkey and CJ is going to be a penguin. E's been asking to be a monkey for Halloween since June, so I was glad to see Target carrying a monkey costume for only $12.99! After our excursion at Target, I went to work to show him off to my coworkers and the other people who work in my building. He was a hit and behaved, although he happened to get hungry, and thus pissed off, until I fed him. My boss tried to steal him away from me, but I wasn't having any of it! Back to J's Mom and Dad's house, where Ethan was running amock and Cameron slept most of the afternoon. When J got out of work, we went to Menards and spent $695 on the laminate hardwood for the living room, 4 gallons of paint, and various other supplies for our multiple home improvement projects. The bulk of the money spent was on the flooring and the underlayment for that (13 boxes at $30 apiece, and 3 rolls at $40 apiece). The plan is to get the front room painted this weekend, then do the flooring in the living room the next weekend, then do the flooring in the kitchen the weekend after that. I think. Then we have to get all of the damned painting done. That's going to be the worst part. Anyway, now that I've given the most boring blow-by-blow account of my busy day, I think I'm going to eat a cookie and then go to bed. Don't worry, I'll be up in about an hour or two. Cameron will be hungry and thus pissed off around then. |
I'm so mean. My kid is crying, and what do I do? I take his picture because that's the only time his dimples are visible. lol  And then I took another of him gazing out the window while he sat in my lap. That was shortly before he got pissed off because he was hungry and I didn't know it because he's gone up another 1/2 ounce in formula again. The little piggy: |
| How insane is this? I have about enough milk left in my boobs that if I squeeze really hard, something will come out. Then, this morning, I was merely thinking about breastfeeding Cameron, and both of my boobs started leaking like crazy - enough that I had to change my shirt because the front was all drenched. I was holding CJ at the time. I thought he had peed on me (again) until I realized it was a single, cold drop, and not a streaming, warm gush. I hadn't had the pleasure of being peed on since we upped him to size 1 diapers, but it still scared me for a minute! Alright. My five minute break is up. I have a 2-year-old holding a book and a 3-week-old awake because he expects me to hold him ALL of the time just because he's a little gassy. We did figure out that the Avent bottles with the size 2 nipples work best for him last night, thankfully. No more 45-minute bottles! |
| I have had a migraine headache all day and Cameron has had a stomach ache due to gas. I couldn't put him down for five minutes and when I finally got him to sleep this afternoon, Ethan was asleep, too, and I ended up crashing on the couch with him on my chest. Jason got home about a half hour after that and then everybody woke up. My headache didn't get any better, either. People keep telling me that I should be taking it easier than I am; I just had a baby and I need to give my body a chance to recover. I should let the housework wait. I should get someone to help me more with Ethan. I should let the laundry sit. Let me be the first to say that in an ideal world, I would love to do all of the things I should do in regards to taking care of myself. But this isn't always an ideal world and if I let the housework suffer, if I don't do the laundry, it wouldn't get done. And I can't always get someone over here to take care of my rambunctious 2-year-old. It's not like I can lock him in his room all day while I lay on the couch and recover. In other news, J and his Dad got the ceramic tile done in the front room and it looks beautiful. Ethan loves it, too. He went out there with Jason this evening and was running around in circles in the room going, "I'm skating! I'm skating! I'm skating!" Then he figured out how much further his cars traveled on non-carpeting and spent another hour zooming them across the floor. I can't wait until we get the laminate wood floors in the living room. He'll really love that! In more other news, I got all of the birth announcements put together and most of them addressed. If people would stop moving all over hell and high water, then I would have them all done, but my Aunt moved and my Mom's friend in Georgia moved. I haven't had time to call and get either of the addresses. I also got all of my thank you cards done, so far. I'm trying to stay on top of all of this stuff so I don't feel overwhelmed by it and all of the other stuff I need to get done. Anyway, I'm beat, but I'm clean. I got a shower before I came on here to see if it would help the headache. It did, minimally. I think the Excedrin is finally kicking in, though, because it isn't nearly as throbbing as it was before. That, and Jason has been taking care of Cameron for the past couple of hours so the stress of having a fussy baby has kind of faded, too. OK. I'm done for now. I might make it back here in a couple of days. I'll be around sometime tomorrow. It depends on how the kids are, but I have to finish my newsletters. The editor picks won't choose themselves!  |
I have a lot of awesome friends on Writing.Com. I love you all and if you had anything to do with this:
I want to make sure that I post a thank you to all of you who posted, and if you didn't but want to, please feel free to do so!  You all always make me feel so loved and blessed, even when I'm so tired I can't think straight. I also wanted to make sure I posted a thanks to b_boonstra for this:
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 Anybody figured out a way to gain additional energy or harvest it from a 2-year-old? lol I'm exhausted. I have 2 newsletters due by Monday. My front room is torn to pieces because they're putting in the ceramic tile today. I'm at my MIL's, but I brought my laptop in hopes that I can get some stuff done. Ethan had an allergic reaction to something that he ate yesterday, so his face and ears are all bright red and his ears are swollen. I thought at first he might have an ear infection, but he has a rash behind his ears so it made me decide it was a food allergy. That, and I gave him Benadryl and the redness has gone down and it's only been about 45 minutes since he took it. I'm trying to get my announcements printed. I couldn't do it at home because my printer is being an ass-clown and keeps saying there's a paper mismatch error, even though the paper size is set up properly in Word. I'm waiting for my MIL's printer software to install so I can try printing it here. If I can't, then I'll have to go in to work on Wednesday and use company resources for personal stuff. My boss won't care, plus she'll be excited to see Cameron in person. It just depends on how dusty it is in there with all of the elevator work that's been done. I'm still sane. Just tired. Or something. |
| Ethan tires me out. I don't understand why he doesn't know how to wind down. I'll spend an hour reading to him before lunch, then we'll eat lunch, then we'll go straight to bed and I'll read another three or four stories to him in bed and he still gets himself all wound up and takes another hour before he goes to sleep. Meanwhile, I'm held hostage in one room of the house or another because if he knows that I'm up and moving around he absolutely will not go to sleep because he worries he'll miss out on something. This has only gotten worse since Cameron was born because Ethan worries that Cameron will get to do something he won't - like sleep! I was trying to change CJ's diaper earlier today on the couch and E got me distracted. Well C ended up peeing all over the couch cushion. Thank goodness newborn pee is basically water and that my couch is made of microfiber, otherwise I would have been a lot more upset. Our escrow refund came in the mail today, so we'll probably be out tonight getting the wood laminate for the living room, along with the 5-gallon bucket of paint for the walls. Generally, one would do the walls and then the floor, but we keep having a recurring flea problem because the fucking cat keeps bringing them back in the house. We've dipped her, we've put flea treatment on her, we've sprayed the yard, we've bombed the house. Nothing is helping, so we're just going to get rid of everything but the bedroom carpets. I'm also tempted to make it so the damned cat can't get in the house. One of them already moved out, anyway. lol. I guess bringing another baby into the house was too much for her, so she packed up and moved next door with Anna, which I don't mind. It's less cat food I have to buy and she's happy over there, so that's all that really matters. If the damned cat doesn't want to live here, I'm not going to force her. So now our house is shy one dog and one cat, but up another kid. I guess everything is relative. |
| I forgot to mention that my neice decided to overdose on one of her medications today and ended up in the ER because her blood pressure plummeted. She was admitted to the medical ward overnight and will be evaluated by a psychiatrist tomorrow to see if she needs to be admitted to the psych ward. Lynette's response to this? I have no clue, but I'm sure in time she'll find something to blame other than her lack of mothering skills. I mean, this woman needs to take a long, hard look at the way she handles Sam. Sam had told my Mom this weekend that all she wanted was for her Mom to spend some real quality time with her where she didn't criticize her or make her feel like she was unloved. Why does it take her having to OD on her meds for her Mom to pay some kind of attention to her? It's ridiculous. Another thing that bothers me is the way Lynette puts Sam against the other kids in the house, especially her biological siblings. "Oh, Aaron is so well behaved. I wish Samantha would behave as well as Aaron does." Well, in the first place, Aaron is a boy. In the second, he's 11. He's not going to behave like a preteen girl! Not to mention that this weekend, Lynette threatened to sign Sam over to the system again. My Mom told her that if she did that, then she might as well give up all of her kids right now because she's going to eventually have the same problems with them, and if she can't try to figure out a positive way to handle Samantha, she's never going to find a positive way to handle the rest. Some people just shouldn't have kids, and Lynette is one of them. She lacks the understanding it requires to be a parent, that kids test boundaries, that they need positive reinforcement, that you have to sacrifice your own wants and sometimes even your needs in order to provide for them. If she had wanted to truly kill herself, Sam could've. She's done this as a cry for help, and I'm sure that Lynette won't take it as that. She'll use this as a reason to try to not deal with her. I really wish there was something J and I could do to help, but there really isn't. The real problem needs to be solved, and that's Samantha's relationship with her mother. Anything else would really just be treating the symptoms, and not the cause. How is it that everyone but Lynette can see this? How is it that I've been a parent for far less a length of time and I understand the importance of quality time with your kids? How is it that these aren't things you can just tell someone about, that they have to consciously attempt to do them? I just hope that maybe Lynette can cop a clue before Sam stops crying out for help and just gives up on her mother. |
| I feel the need to write something, but I have nothing new to report. Not really, anyhow. I remember once, not that long ago - less than five years - I used to think about things other than when the next bottle is due, what to make for lunch, how many dirty diapers I've changed today, how many calories we're getting per meal... Is this what happens when we become mothers; we stop thinking about the meaning of life in exchange for just trying to keep track of life? I can't even tell you what the date is today, other than its Wednesday and I wish it were Friday so that Jason would be home all weekend. I miss my husband. I miss taking showers everyday. I miss how easy it was to leave the house with one kid, although I know that will get easier, sort of. Don't get me wrong; I love my kids and I love being a Mom. I just miss that little piece of myself that used to be independent and mildly selfish. I miss getting the half hour to go for a run, or the hour a week I spent scrapbooking. I miss having that little bit of time to do something just for me. I haven't had it for a long time and it's about overdue. I did get to go to the grocery store all by myself today. That felt like a huge achievement. It was just the store around the corner, but they know me and J there. It was kind of cute. "Weren't you pregnant the last time you were in here?" "Yep." "When did you have the baby?" "2 weeks ago." "Wow! You don't look like someone who had a baby two weeks ago! You look great!" (As opposed to horrible, which is what I guess a woman who just gave birth in the past month is supposed to look.) My friend Kelly said it best the other day, though: "Melissa, you have one of those bodies that are designed for babymaking. You don't get that big, you can eat whatever you want and not gain a whole lot of weight, and the minute you give birth you look like you weren't ever pregnant to begin with. In other words, you make me sick." She's disgruntled because she just now got back into her pre-pregnancy jeans at 5 months post-partum. I'm not into my size-8's, yet, but everything else is fitting me. I just have to wait for my hips to unspread. Anyhow, I have a fussy butt baby and a splitting headache, so whatever the point of my entry was, I forget now. That's what happens when your train of thought gets derailed before it even leaves the station. lol. |
| My sister's been coming over for a few hours per day the past couple of days, and will do so for the rest of the week. Too bad I didn't get this kind of help from Wednesday - Friday last week, but I didn't know she wasn't working anymore. I gave her $20 for gas to come here and help me, even if it's just to watch the kids while I go to the bathroom, since right now I can't leave Ethan alone with Cameron because he always wants to try to pick him up, and it's a pain to pick him up, move him to the bedroom, go to the bathroom, pick him up again, and move him back to the living room. I've had to pump off my breasts a few times now because of engorgement (that shit hurts like a motherfucker!), which is good for CJ because he's still getting some breast milk, but for the most part I've been giving him formula. I don't have time to pump every 3 hours around the clock to keep my supply up, so usually once a day around 3 or 4 pm, I have to pump or I feel like I want to die! It's only really from one breast, but I pump off both just so I'm not lopsided. Things have been going better with the little bit of help that I am getting, although I'm not sure what's going to happen next week. At least we'll have some kind of small routine established. The only thing I'm going to have to deal with is the fact that Ethan doesn't want to take a nap. Oh, and I did get more photos taken today. I had to get them done for the birth announcement, otherwise I'll never get them done before the newborn look has worn off. I still need to get his little feet and his hands, but he started to get agitated by all off the moving and shifting and he was napping. I'm telling you. Once this kid is fed and has a clean diaper, he is so easy to take care of. Ethan was so high maintenance. Feed him, then hold him. Feed him, then hold him. He never wanted to be put down. Cameron, on the other hand, I can feed him, cuddle with him for a minute, and then set him down and he'll put himself to sleep. I don't know how long that will last for, but I'm going to take advantage of it while I can! I do admit that I like that I'm not stuck to a newborn all day and I can get stuff done around the house. I hate looking at a mess and I hate living in one even more. I had a pretty productive day as far as housework is concerned, at least. Both boys still got cuddles and attention, and I still had enough time to be able to fold laundry and put it away, along with clean our bedroom, and get the dishes ready to be washed (lol! I hate dishes!). I wanted to get laundry downstairs and sorted, but Ethan refused to take a nap and everytime I walked past his room, he wound himself back up, so I sequestered myself to the bedroom and relaxed for a bit on my MADE bed (I love having a made bed and hadn't had one since we came home from the hospital - yes I made my bed while I was in labor! lol!). Anyway, here's some of the photos of Cameron that I took:   One of Ethan to compare with Cameron to show just how much they look like they are 2-year-apart twins:  And a couple more of Ethan from today, because I couldn't not take his picture, too:    The last one cracks me up. He has such a funny sense of humor. Thank goodness for that because he's been trying with everything else these days! |
| I had my first freak-out yesterday with Jason. I went to take a shower so we could get over to his Mom and Dad's house, so he was alone with the kids for maybe 20 minutes while I got the stink off me. As I'm turning off the shower, I hear Cameron start crying, then Ethan start crying, then Jason screaming, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!" I didn't even get the towel wrapped around me and I went running out of the bathroom, dripping all over the place. I get out to the living room, and Jason's putting Ethan into the chair, Cameron is screaming like someone's done tried to kill him, and Jason's freaking out. The only thing I could think of is that Jason turned his head for a minute and Ethan tried to pick Cameron up and dropped him or something. Come to find out, Cameron woke up for his bottle, started crying, and Ethan had gone into the kitchen and then come back out acting like he hurt the hand from which he just got the bandages removed. And Jason's freaking out about it.  So, of course, nearly naked, Mom had to take charge. I sit next to Ethan on the chair, look at his hand, and see that it's fine. Then I got up and started making Cameron a bottle (what a pain in the ass that is). After I handed Jason the bottle, I went over and babied Ethan a little bit, just because he looked like he needed it. Plus, he wasn't calmed down all of the way yet. Jason was still freaking out, at this point. And he wonders why I was at my wit's end on Thursday. "You couldn't even do it for a half hour but I'm supposed to do it all day long without help." I remarked to him. I don't blame him for the fact that I have no support. I'm really more upset with my Mom and his Mom. I'm pissed because my Mom had said she was going to take vacation days to come help me out, and then ended up renigging because she's going through the change and had to take days off to recover from her anemia problems and didn't want to ask for more. I'm pissed because Jason's Mom conveniently made plans for every day last week, except Tuesday, where she came over but only because everybody and God wanted to come see Cameron. Once the social aspect of it was over and done with, she didn't have any interest in helping. All this help I had bucked up and asked for in the beginning, that I had been reassured I would receive, I did not. Jason had to go back to work on Tuesday because his boss was being an ass. I needed the help through the rest of the week, but the help that I had asked for months ago was nowhere to be found. It takes a lot for me to ask for help, so now I'm just going to remember for future reference when help is needed by one of them. And in all of that, I have also resolved that when my kids have kids, I'm going to be there for them for as long as they need me. If that means I have to quit my job or take a leave of absense, I will, because I want them to be able to succeed as parents and have every resource at their disposal, including someone to support the Mom in the first weeks, because that is when support is really needed. It's not like I need someone to take care of Cameron, either. I just needed someone to help with Ethan. He pretty much takes care of himself if he has someone to keep him honest, meaning out of places he's not supposed to get into. But anytime I called my Mom, in tears, because I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed, I got, "It'll get easier." And anytime I called J's Mom, I didn't even get an answer at the phone. It's pretty ridiculous when your mother-in-law screens her calls because she's passive-aggressively trying to be unsupportive. At least, that's how I feel about it, especially since I know she was home at the times and didn't bother to return my call until near 4 pm, when Jason is on his way home anyway so her help isn't needed anymore. I'm really resentful about the lack of support because I know I would still be breastfeeding if I had gotten it, and things would be getting easier, and everyone would be happier. Yes, I expected that they would help me, not because it's something that I assumed I would receive, but because I had asked for it. Asking for help is not something I do very often, and when I do, it's usually because I tried to do it myself first and found out that I couldn't do it alone. This time, though, I anticipated that I would need the help, and rather than try to over-do it, I asked for it, and still didn't fucking get it. I'm so tired of being the one that everyone shits on. I'm tired of having to go it alone because everybody else is more important than me. Even with bottle feeding, I still fucking need help, and I asked for it again, and I got brushed off. They can all kiss my fucking ass. Every single one of them. Next time they want help from me, they can forget it. I don't care how minor said help request is. I don't expect much from family, and I don't usually put conditions on things, but this is something that is very important to me. I wanted to be able to breastfeed, and I knew I would need help to be successful. And I got the shaft. Of course I'm angry about it. Who wouldn't be? |
| I got to leave the house for the first time since Monday yesterday, with Jason, Ethan, and Cameron. It made me feel a little better to be able to get out and see something other than the walls of my own house. I think I was partially starting to go stir-crazy and that was a big part of everything. We went to Sam's Club and then Wal*Mart. Nothing spectacular, but I got to get up and walk around and actually feel like a human being instead of a hermit. Part of my problem is that I hate being home by myself all day. I want some kind of interaction, or at least to get out and get some fresh air. I'm still not cleared to start running again because of my pelvis. Three to four weeks, minimum, to give it a chance to fix itself. It's doing better if I'm up and moving around during the day, but when I go to bed at night, I have a really difficult time with it. Getting up and down is a struggle, to say the least. I think that was the hard part with breastfeeding, too. Sometimes I would be stuck in the same spot for a long time, and then when I tried to get up, I couldn't without either getting down on the floor and then pushing myself up, or without someone helping me. When time is at a premium and you aren't getting much support, not being able to get up is a big deal. In other, more positive news, Cameron is so freakin' cute. He hates being swaddled, so we just kind of wrap a blanket around him. He stretches himself out and hangs his feet out of the bottom of the blanket and just snoozes away. Every once in a while he stretches and his toes wiggle and I just want to scoop him up and smoosh him to bits. I've got to get myself some photos for his announcements. I got an announcement kit at Wal*Mart yesterday that works with 4x6 photos. I was initially going to order the hospital ones, but I'm really disappointed with how they turned out. In my rush to get out of there after 24 hours, Cameron had had his circumcision, his billirubin blood draw, and various other pokes and prods just prior to the photos and he really didn't want to cooperate, so it wasn't surprising to me that they really looked kind of mediocre. Anyway, my living room is a disaster and it's driving me crazy, so I better get it cleaned up while I have the chance. |
| And it hurts, more than just physically. Part of me wants to unwrap and give it another shot, but another part of me knows this is how it's meant to be, anyhow. I'm can't settle my mind down enough to not stress, and the stress is too much for me. I need to know that he's eating. I need to know how much he's eating. He didn't have a wet diaper for six hours yesterday before I made the decision. His belly button also got irritated and bloody. Couple that with all of the other stresses, and I got too overwhelmed. I started having panic attacks. I had a panic attack when Jason gave him the bottle. The bottle signified my failure. My inability to keep calm and trust myself. Cameron will be fine. I know this. He'll be better because I can't sacrifice everything to try to be supermom. I'm not supermom. I'm just me, and I'm bound. |
| So he went to sleep around 9:30 last night and slept pretty much through the night. He woke up once and I tried to nurse him, but he started choking about 10 minutes into it, which freaked me out. I popped him off and put him at an incline and he went to sleep and stayed that way the rest of the night. I finally woke him up at about 6:30 this morning because my boobs were dripping all over the place and I had to get them empty. I told Jason this morning that I felt like giving up on nursing because I hated not knowing if he was getting enough to eat and if he was sleeping so much because he was still clearing out the jaundice or because he was lethargic from not getting enough to eat or if his belly was satisfied and he just doesn't really need to nurse through the night, even though he's only a week and a half old and to not nurse overnight is a rarity. Jason said, "But you didn't even quit this early with Ethan." There's just so many factors about this that frustrate me, yet I keep pushing on because I know it will get better, and before it gets better, it will feel like it's never going to get better. I'm about to the point where I feel like it's never going to get better, and I hate feeling that way. But I know it's normal, because I went through it with Ethan. I'm just lucky that I don't have all of the stresses that I had with him with Cameron because there's no way I would be able to keep going. Part of me absolutely hates breast feeding. I think it's the part that's used to being able to get up and move around and that's what I want to do now that I don't have a twenty-pound bowling ball strapped to the front of me. Now, instead of a twenty-pound bowling ball, it's a seven-pound booby monster attached at the nipple, along with a 29-month-old little boy who is wonderful and loving and time-consuming in his own ways. But there's the other part that loves it because I know I'm giving Cameron the best I have to offer and that it will get easier with every day and every week and that I can't try to look at it in the long-run but just for today so that I can make it through one feeding and then the next until I don't stress about whether he's getting enough or if I'm doing a good job or if I shouldn't let him sleep as long as he does sometimes. I told my Mom this morning that I'm just trying to deal with one thing at a time right now because I'm so overwhelmed with trying to do and be everything that I know at some point I'm going to crash. In the meantime, though, I'm just going to get through the next hour. If I can get through the next hour, then eventually the hours will tick by and the day will be done and I can start trying to get through the next day and so on and so forth. Don't mind me, really. I'm just hormonal and tired and I'm an adult with a 2-year-old who can talk but doesn't understand and a newborn who can't say anything at all. My sister stopped by and I felt the calm settle back in, but now that she's gone, the frazzle is creeping back. It'll pass as soon as I put Ethan down for a nap and I take CJ in to lay down, too, if he'll let me. In the meantime, I'll just take a deep breath and get through this minute. Once the minute passes, then another will pass, until the hour's done and soon enough Jason will be home and I won't feel nearly as overwhelmed or frazzled. Just 4 hours to go. I can do it. |
   Today has been latch-on for five minutes, fall asleep, unlatch, wake up 20 minutes later, latch-on for 20 minutes, fall asleep, unlatch, wake up 30 minutes later, rinse repeat. I got him to take one good 1-1/2 hour nap with me in bed this afternoon, for which I'm grateful because I was starting to feel like I was going to kill Ethan. He's trying so hard to compete for attention, and he's two. The only thing he seems to know how to do is push my buttons. I even started crying today because I was at my wit's end. It made him calm down for about ten minutes. He came over and started hugging and kissing on me and apologizing, so at least he knows when he's making me sad. I did give him two spankings today, which makes me more upset than anything, but I didn't know what else to do. He was playing cars, and then he decided it would be a good idea to launch the cars into the air towards me and Cameron, who I was nursing at the time. One car hit my elbow, another hit my shoulder, and the third barely missed the top of Cameron's head. I popped him on the diaper three times, which is more than I would ever do, but I did it in anger, which I shouldn't have done, but it was one of those things that you can't just poo-poo and hope he won't do again. Then I'm trying to get him to take a nap, and by that time I was frazzled and frantic and ready to scream. He would NOT stay in his bed, no matter what I did. Finally, I just gave him a couple of pops on the diaper. I don't think he was expecting me to do that because he really freaked out about it. Let me just say that I can count on one hand the number of times I have popped his diaper. I don't usually believe that spanking is the best way to correct a bad behavior, but today I felt like he was 1 again and I was having to follow him from place to place, all while trying to nurse a fussy baby, to keep him from getting into stuff he wasn't supposed to get into. He did have his good moments; don't get me wrong. I try to point out the good things he is doing and incorporate him into the stuff that I do with Cameron. He loves to throw away the dirty diapers, so I let him do that. He loves to put my empty water bottles into recycling, so I let him do that. I even let him help me change Cameron's diaper and put the new one on, even though it took an extra-long time to do it that way. He decided, when I was making him lunch, to attach himself to my legs, and instead of yelling at him to let go of me, I bent down and tickled him until he let go. When he got done with his lunch, he put his own plate in the sink and his napkin in the garbage. I made sure I told him how awesome and lucky I was to have such a good boy. But then he just does things that I find myself getting so angry about. And I know I shouldn't react at that very moment, but I do. And then I feel horrible because I reacted right then instead of walking away. I don't want to be one of those parents whose kids are scared of them because they rule with an iron fist, but I'm just overwhelmed with this whole newborn and two-year-old thing. I know that tons of other women do it without a problem. I wish I knew what their secret was. |
| Only a few minutes of spare minutes here. Ethan is playing cars by himself (he doesn't like me to join in because I don't "do it" right. lol) and Cameron is sleeping peacefully in the Boppy until his next round of milk. I almost gave up on breast feeding on Monday. I mean, I've given myself permission to quit at this point, but the fact that I know I can quit at any time has been the only reason I've kept going. 'Well, if the next feeding time doesn't go well, then I'll quit." Of course, it's like Cameron is reading my mind and does well the next feeding, so I don't quit. And if the next feeding didn't go well, I'd still probably wait and see what happened. The whole reason I almost quit is because I went to the breast feeding center at the hospital feeling like everything was going well. Cameron has been peeing 8 - 10 times per day, pooping 4 - 5, and that's all I cared about. They weighed him and he'd lost, according to their last weigh-in with him, when in all actuality he probably continued to lose through Saturday, when my milk became fully established. So instead of looking like he's maintained at 6 lbs, 11 oz, he looks like he lost a fraction of an ounce, at 6 lbs, 10.9 oz. We're talking .1 of an ounce here, which I don't think is that bad, considering that he didn't get weighed over the weekend. Anyway, they proceeded to tell me that on-demand nursing was not enough and that I needed to make sure that I woke him up and nursed him every 2 hours around the clock. And then they said I wasn't making enough milk and that I should probably supplement on top of what he's getting from my breast, which to me defeats the whole purpose of breast feeding in the first place. Then they said, in addition to the every 2 hour feedings, I need to pump after each feeding for 5 - 10 minutes. OK. Do they realize that I have 2 kids and my husband is back to work? I cannot dedicate 24 hours a day to 1 child, neglect the other, and not get any sleep. I have to take care of both of my kids and this can't be accomplished if I'm either always feeding or pumping. I called the doctor and he said that as long as Cameron is having enough dirty diapers, then he's thriving and to keep nursing on demand. He said if I was worried about his weight, I was welcome to come by the office during business hours for a weigh-in, but he said he won't let me until next Friday, when my milk has been established for 2 full weeks. That's made me feel better. I can't spend an hour nursing, 10 minutes pumping, then the time needed for cleanup of the pump parts, the rest of the time with Ethan, and never get any sleep! I'd go crazy! Instincts. Never second-guess them. You'll drive yourself insane every time. |
| I taught myself how to nurse on my side last night out of necessity. There's nothing like marathon nursing from 7:30 pm until about 9 this morning to learn you how to do something without any idea of what you're doing. It was the only way I was going to get some sleep, that's for sure. Ethan's come down with a summer cold, which is the worst timing ever for him to get sick. We're doing the best we can to wash our hands between handling him and CJ, but E wants so bad to help with his little brother and to kiss and hold him and even though I have him wash his hands a lot, he's 2 and sticks his fingers in his mouth and all that. He's really dealing with the transition rather well. He has some jealousy issues, but I'm hoping that he'll adjust and see that Mommy and Daddy still love him just as much as before Cameron came into the picture. We had a couple of bratty moments today, one of which was when he took off with CJ's clean diaper while I was changing him. Then J tried to put E down for a nap, and E screamed and cried. CJ had just finished nursing, so I was able to put him down and go in and spend some individual time with E and me. I read him a couple of stories and talked to him for a few minutes and got him calmed down. Not 10 minutes later, and he was napping away. It's easy to let 2 kids overwhelm you when they both need something and you can only take care of one at a time. I'm trying my best to prioritize and get the greater need taken care of, but unfortunately CJ being fed has taken priority over Mommy getting to spend a lot of attention on E. I'm doing the best I can by trying to make him feel important by helping in small ways and by praising him every time that I see he's doing something positive, along with trying to multitask with the nursing. I'm not good enough to be walking around the house with a babe off my boob, though. lol I'm dreading J going back to work on Tuesday. It'll be the first time I'll have both of the kids by myself without someone nearby to help watch them. Trial by fire, so they say. In other news, something is wrong with my hips. I have a hard time standing up from a sitting position, sitting up from a laying position, and rolling over in bed. I might have a reason to have to take 8 weeks for recovery if something doesn't work itself out soon. |
| Thanks to everyone for your emails. As you can imagine, time is a premium right now and answering may take me a while. Please bare with me as I try to learn how to balance some me-time in with all this Momminess. lol |
| It's been a long and busy week. CJ nurses more than he sleeps, I swear. Not a complaint, either. It took forever for my milk to come in again (yesterday about 1 am) so we've been making up for lost time since then. His billirubin shot up on Wednesday but with my milk coming in it has started to go down; at least that's what I'm assuming because the doctor hasn't called about his test this morning. I have photos and just uploaded them from my camera. We'll see if I actually get time to get them posted. Here they are!   |
| It could have been the castor oil or the full moon or my body was just finally ready. Cameron Jakob Williams came at 5:40 pm on Monday evening. He was 7 lbs, 7 oz at birth and yesterday, when we were discharged, he was 7 lbs, 2 oz. He's 21 inches long and incredibly healthy. I started the beginning of labor at 2 am Monday morning, went to the hospital about 4:30 am. They sent me home with an Ambien at about 7 am when I wasn't progressing fast enough. I came home, slept for a little bit, and ended up going back in to L/D at about 1:30 pm. I was admitted to L/D at about 2:30, after they determined I was, indeed, in active labor. At about 3 pm, I went into the birthing tub. At 5:30 pm, I decided to hell with the fucking tub and went back to the bed. My midwife was worried that I was going to deliver the baby in the hall! LOL! We got back to the room, I had a couple more contractions, and then Cameron's head just popped out on its own. I only had to give one real push to deliver his shoulders and he came into the world a bit purple from a low body temperature (the tub water had started to get too cold which is why I got too uncomfortable, I guess), but otherwise fine. After we were admitted to post-partum, at about 9 pm, I asked about going home already! LOL! They said they couldn't guarantee, but they would try to get me discharged the next night, as long as all of the doctors signed off. I managed to get the approval from all of the doctors, Cameron's billirubin came back at 5.44 (way more than acceptable), and we were discharged around 8 last night. Apparently my body is made to deliver babies because I'm already getting around pretty well. My belly is almost all the way shrank, and the only lasting effects that I'm feeling from the labor is the fatigue and exhaustion from lack of rest. But that's why I wanted to leave the hospital, because I have a better chance of sleeping comfortably in my own bed with my own familiar sounds and no other babies crying than the ones I pushed out of my own vagina. Anyway, I'll get to posting photos later. Cameron wants a boob. He's a real booby monster. |
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