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 |  A continuation of my criminal blogging behavior. |
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IN THE WRITING.COM DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF MICHIGAN Criminal Action No. 96-938-2 WRITING.COM Plaintiff, vs. Melissa is fashionably late!  Defendant. ************************************************************************ REPORTER'S TRANSCRIPT (Trial to Jury - Volume 222) ************************************************************************ Proceedings before the HONORABLE The StoryMaster  , Judge, Writing.Com District Court for the District of Michigan, commencing at 8:49 a.m., on the 5th day of April, 2007, in Chambers C-234, Writing.Com Courthouse.PROCEEDINGS (In open court at 8:49 a.m.) THE COURT: Please be seated. The jury has informed that they have arrived at their findings and recommendation. I caution all present to avoid any reaction to these findings and the recommendation, either audibly or visibly. And if anyone violates that, we'll have to remove them. Obviously, it will take some time to read these findings, as the recommendation is the last thing read; so please be careful and comply with this request. We'll return the jury. (Jury in at 8:53 a.m.) THE COURT: Members of the jury, have you arrived at your special findings and recommendation? JURORS: Yes. THE COURT: If the foreman will please hand that to Diane , who will hand it to me.Members of the jury, you will please listen to the reading of your Special Findings Form A. These findings apply to all 1184 counts. Under Section I, Obsessive Ranting: The defendant intentionally ranted without ceasing for multiple blog entries. Answer: Yes. Section II, Repeatedly Beating A Dead Horse The deaths or injuries resulting in death occured during the commission of an offense under 18 Writing.Com Code Section 844(d), flogging a horse until death. Answer: Yes. Section III, Unnecessary Use of Curse words The defendant used language to be found offensive during multiple occurences and showed no regard for taste or appropriate expression of emotion. Answer: Yes. Section IV, Boring Daily Recounts Death or injury resulting in death occured during the commission of an offense under 22 Writing.Com Code Section 413(c), recounting daily activity to a point of extreme boredom. Answer: Yes. Section V, Pointless Entries The defendant shared needless details of her life via multiple entries, often multiple times in a row. Answer: Yes. Section VI, Contradictory Statements The defendant often confused her readers through contradictory statements. Answer: Yes. Section VII, Recounting Toilet Actions The defendant needlessly reflected on bathroom activities. Answer: Yes. Section VIII, Overdramatization Of Insignificant Things The defendant made several mountains out of single molehills. Answer: Yes. Section IX, Overreacting To Meaningless Gestures The defendant showed a propensity to fly off the handle for actions deemed appropriate and helpful. Answer: Yes. Section X, Unnecessary Temper Tantrums Death or injury resulting in death occured during the commission of an offense under 18 Writing.Com Code Section 312(a), throwing a temper tantrum in a public forum. Answer: Yes. Section XI, Cruelty Towards Animals, Superiors, Peers, And Inferiors The defendant showed no regard for life in general. Answer: Yes. Section XII, Repeated Bad Grammar, Spelling, And Opinionations The defendant shows no respect for her college education. Answer: Yes. Section XIII, Mitigating Factors (1) Melissa is fashionably late! believed herself to be in the right each time she commited one of the 1184 counts. Number of jurors who so find: 0.(2) Melissa is fashionably late! received encouragement and support from others to commit each of the 1184 counts. Number of jurors who so find: 4.(3) Melissa is fashionably late! is a reliable person in work and in her personal affairs and relations with others. Number of jurors who so find: 7.(4) Melissa is fashionably late! is a patient and effective teacher when she is working in a supervisory role. Number of jurors who so find: 5.(5) Melissa is fashionably late! is a good and loyal friend. Number of jurors who so find: 12.(6) Melissa is fashionably late! is a good mother and wife. Number of jurors who so find: 10.Recommendation, XIV: The jury has considered whether the aggravating factors found to exist sufficiently outweigh any mitigating factor or factors found to exist, or in the absense of any mitigating factors, whether the aggravating factors are themselves sufficient to justify a sentence of life in prison. Based upon this consideration, the jury recommends by unanimous vote that the following sentence be imposed: The defendant, Melissa is fashionably late! , shall be sentenced to a period in prison not shorter than 18 years and not longer than life.The Special Findings appear to be signed by all jurors and dated April 5, 2007. XV. Certification: By signing below, each juror certifies that consideration of race, color, religious beliefs, national origin, or sex of the defendant or the victims was not involved in reaching his or her individual decision and that the individual juror would have made the same recommendation regarding a sentence for crimes in question no matter what the race, color, religious beliefs, national origin, or sex of the defendant or the victims. Apparently signed by all jurors and also dated April 5, 2007. Mr. Foreman, was these and are these the jury's special findings and recommendation: JURY FOREMAN: Yes, they are. THE COURT: And so say you all? JURORS: Yes. THE COURT: Section XVI. Sentencing Melissa is fashionably late! , the court finds you guilty on all 1184 counts of blog criminal activity. You are hereby sentenced to life in prison, with no chance of parole for a minimum of 18 years. Court is in recess. (Recess at 9:37 a.m.) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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| I seriously considered offering my notice today at work. What happened to that baby has really affected me and made me panicky about leaving Ethan during the day, and then how am I going to leave baby brother once my maternity leave is done? I almost had an anxiety attack just leaving the house this morning. It's not that I don't trust Jason's Mom or think she doesn't do a good job. I just know that nobody is going to do a better job than me at taking care of my son. It's not like he's out of anybody's sight at anytime during the day (other than napping or sleeping), but I just fear that something will happen to him when I'm gone. I know I can't protect him forever. I can't keep him away from the rest of the world. I can't shelter him for his entire life. I'm just completely panicked because he's growing up faster than I expected and pretty soon he's going to have to go to school and face the world and all that goes along with it. Right now, I can choose for him to see the good, while censoring out the bad and the ugly. Once he's out in the world and away from me for those few hours a day, I don't have as much control over what he's exposed to. And then he'll eventually be gone for an entire day and I don't know how I'm going to handle that. I know I chose to go back to work because I need the adult interaction, but I would rather sacrifice my wants for their needs. At this point, it isn't a possibility, but I can still consider it anyway. I'm supposed to go see Michelle tomorrow. I think I'm going to talk to her about this. I shouldn't be suddenly having thoughts about that baby throughout the day and breaking down into tears. I just keep thinking that if the mother took a few more minutes, or even a few more seconds, she would be mourning for her baby instead of at his side at the hospital while he recovers. I keep putting myself in her place and I feel the fear and worry that she has to be feeling. Will he be able to fully recover from this? How could someone do something like this? Usually children who were abused turn into adults who abuse, and while I was abused as a child, I could never, ever imagine doing the things to any child like what are done to children everywhere. I have been frustrated with Ethan to the point of anger, but never angered enough that I would raise a hand to him. I would rather put him in his crib and walk away to calm down than do anything to make him fearful of me. I would rather tell him what he's done wrong and punish him by putting him in the corner than ever spanking him. I feel like an ass even for just yelling at him. I worry about how to protect my children from this world, to prevent them from finding out first-hand what this world is capable of. I may have perfectionistic tendencies, but this is one place where it isn't unreasonable. One of my greatest fears is something happening to my children. I have had nightmares where something has happened to my family. Before, they were just irrational and unreasonable fears, and now they aren't. If a child can do what this boy did to a baby, anything is possible and feasible, and that terrifies me. |
| http://www.wwmt.com/news/old_36428___article.html/kalamazoo_child.html KALAMAZOO (NEWSCHANNEL 3) - A 16-month-old is in pediatric intensive care after suffering a beating at the hands of a teenager. It happened in a wooded area in Kalamazoo on Walnut Street between Sheldon and Kings Highway. People living in the area say it was about six Monday afternoon when they started searching for the 16-month-old who had wandered away from his mother. The mother, who asked not to be identified, says she saw a bike near a nearby woods. When she went in to look for her son she saw a young man beating her child. Beaten and bruised the little boy was still in the hospital Tuesday night. When he was discovered Monday neighbors worried he might not make it. "His eyes were both purple and blue, covered with dirt and blood, he was stripped naked," said neighbor Mercedeiz Wilson. Two teens say Monday afternoon the boy's mom came out of the home she was just moving into looking for the 16-month-old. Neighbors spread out, trying to find him. Within a few minutes they heard the mom scream for help. The area is just about a block from the house. The little boy could walk on his own, but his mom says he would never had made it that far by himself. Police have arrested a 13-year-old boy for the assault. He is being held at a juvenile detention home. The victim's mom says her son has a bruised pancreas and liver, and slight bleeding on the brain. The people living in the area can't figure out why anyone would do this to such a small child. "A kid my age did that to a little kid, that's messed up," said one teen. Jason works with someone who is friends with the Mom. There's more to the story than this. The 13-year-old was beating the baby with a stick, the baby had been stripped out of all of his clothes, his diaper, everything. He had been beaten so bad he pooped and peed himself. I bawled for fifteen minutes when I read this story. I can't imagine having to go through something like this. I can't imagine coming upon someone else's child beating on my child. I can't imagine what it would take for me to keep myself from killing someone else's child because he was attacking my child. How can someone so young be so sick? How can anyone, at any age, find sport in literally beating the shit out of a helpless baby? Just the thought of anything like this happening to Ethan makes me want to vomit. It took everything I had, every ounce of strength, to not vomit while I was reading the story. I pray that this baby makes it through OK. My heart pains for the mother. I can't imagine the guilt she feels, the fear and worry she bares, the burden she is carrying right now. It goes to show that you should never, ever turn your head for even a second. You can't fully trust anyone with the safety of your child, let alone a neighborhood you haven't lived in for long. And people wonder why I'm so overprotective with my child. Between babysitters who neglect the children they are paid to care for and the sick people that exist in this world, no place is safe for your child. It makes me fearful to even leave him to go to work in the morning, despite the fact that I know my mother-in-law would never do anything to hurt him. All it takes is a moment, though. The blink of an eye. And then life as you know can turn upside-down. |
| A survey ganked from novusfemina How many keys are on your keychain? House, van, main office at work, my office at work, the conference room at work. What curse word do you use the most? I really don't curse much anymore. Not out loud, anyway. I've learned to substitute just about every bad word with "freak!" It's just as satisfying as calling someone a monkey-shit-fuck-face. Do you own an iPod? Nah. It's a Creative Labs Zen. What time is your alarm clock set for? I think J's time is set for 5:50 am, and mine is set for 7:10. How many suitcases do you own? None. I always borrow or use tote bags. Do you wear flip-flops even when it's cold outside? Uhm... no. When it's cold, there's usually snow. Where do you buy your groceries from? Wal*Mart Supercenter... one just opened 15 minutes from my house. Before that, Meijer or D&W. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? I love to take the photos. What was the last movie you watched? Happy Feet, and then before that The Departed. Talk about diversity! Do any of your friends have children? Yes. We're all at that age now that our families are growing and our time to get together is shrinking. If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would buy? I don't know. It depends on how much I won. I would probably pay off all of my debts first, then invest all but a small portion of the rest, which I would use to either add a new addition to my current home or put a down payment on another while we tried to sell this one. Yes, all practical and safe, but I'm tired of living paycheck-to-paycheck. Has anyone ever called you lazy? Yep. And I am, sometimes, so they're usually telling the truth at the time. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? Not lately. Sometimes a Benadryl, but then I wake up feeling drugged and tired, so it really isn't worth it. What CD is currently in your CD player? CD player? Everything I have is now on MP3! lol Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Regular. It helps my reflux. Has anyone told you a secret this week? No, because they all know I'm horrible at keeping secrets. What did you have for dinner? Oh geeze. I have been eating nonstop since about 2 pm, so I guess I can list it all off here: 2 pounds of salad (lettuce, cucumber, hard-boiled egg, cheese, diced ham, and ranch dressing) 1 nectarine medium blizzard from DQ large slice of cheese pizza a fun-size Snickers 1/2 a pouch of 4-cheese rice Do you wear hoodies often? No, not really. Can you whistle? Yep, including that annoying kind where you put 2 fingers in your mouth. Have you ever paticipated in a protest? Nope. Who was the last person to call you? Richelle. What is your favorite ride at an amusement park? The carousel. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? Of course. And do I care? No, not really. What area code are you in right now? 269 Did you watch cartoons as a child? Yep. He-Man and GI Joe. How big is your local mall? It's so-so. I think that the mall in King of Prussia when we went was ten times bigger, though! How many siblings do you have? 2 full-blooded, 1 paternal, and 1 adopted. Are you shy around the opposite sex? No, I have no reason to be. Have you ever had Jamba Juice? ..........what the fuck is Jamba Juice? When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt?  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!When Jason showed me his "turtle" after we went swimming on Saturday. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!What movie do you know every line to? Disney's Cars Do you own any band t-shirts? Not anymore. When was your last plane ride? In July, to the WDC Convention. How many chairs are at your dining room table? Two. What is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch Do you read for fun? Of course! Can you speak any languages other than English? Passable German. I want to learn Spanish this summer because we have a lot of Spanish-speaking families that are homeless in Kalamazoo. Do you do your own dishes? Not since I got pregnant! What color is your bedroom painted? A grey-ish color that looks more lavendar. Have you ever cried in public? Yep. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Both. Are you always trying to learn new things? But of course! Do you shower on a daily basis? Daily or every-other-day. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Uhm... nope. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date? It depends. Is it a blind date or a date I was asked out on? If I was asked out by the guy, he better be willing to pay. If it's a blind date, I think that each person should pay for themself. Can you skip rocks? Yep! I love to! Have you ever been to Jamaica?  Nope.What to snack on at the movie theaters? Popcorn and sour patch kids with a frozen cherry slush. Who was your favorite teacher? Ms. Godfried Have you ever dated someone out of your race? Yeah, I guess. Tony L. is mulatto, John L. is Japanese/Cuban, and Jamar is blacker than black. What is the weather like? H-O-T Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? I have and if I weren't married I probably would again. What was your favorite class in high school? Marching band or drama. Do you enjoy traveling in airplanes? It's OK. Not something I would do everyday. What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex? A great sense of humor and honesty. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive? Yep. Sometimes it isn't how you look, but how you present yourself through attitude. When was the last time you slept on the floor? A long time ago. If I were to sleep on the floor right now, I wouldn't be able to walk for days! What is your favorite alcoholic drink? I like pink champagne, too. Or Arbor Mist Island something-or-other. Or a white russian. Does your closest Starbucks have a drive-thru? Nope. It's inside of a D&W. Do you like your living arrangement? Of course I do! I live with the two sweetest guys on earth! What is your mother's hometown? Kalamazoo How many hours of sleep do you need to function? 7 - 9 Do you eat breakfast daily? I have to, otherwise I'm barfy all day. This is whether or not I'm pregnant. What was the last thing to scare you? The elevator scene in The Departed. Maybe that was more of a surprise, but I jumped either way. Are your days full and fast-paced? Pretty much always. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class? Uhm... if you know me you know there's no way I can shut my mouth... ever. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries and canteloup. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? Not so much these days. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 28. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? Most of the time. I have my days where I just don't give-a-fuck. Do you believe in life on other planets? Sure. I'm open minded. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes. Six Flags: Kentucky Kingdom. Six Flags: King's Island. Six Flags: Great America. When you've seen one, they're all pretty much the same, though. Who was the last person to make you mad? Only dogs get mad, as my boss would say. And it takes a lot to make me truly angry. Do you believe that God has a gender? No. What was the last thing you ate? Some rice. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex? Opposite sex, usually. What did you dress up as for your first Halloween? A pumpkin? I don't remember. How did your parents pick your name? My Mom always wanted to name her first daughter Melissa. Do you like mustard? Yep! What do you tell yourself when times get hard? Hike up my pants and start fighting the current. Eventually the river will calm. Would you ever sky dive? No probably not. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Right now, on my side. Normally, I'm a tummy or back sleeper. What character from a movie most reminds you of yourself? I don't know. Which character do I most remind you of? Have you ever bid for something on ebay? Yep, and won quite a few things! Do you enjoy giving hugs? Yes!!! Would you consider yourself to be fashionable? Sometimes. I'm one of the best-dressed pregnant women that I know around here. lol Do you own a digital camera? Two. One is a regular point-and-click. The other is a Canon Digital Rebel XT. What celebrities have you been compared to? Audrey Hepburn. Who is your favorite Star Wars character? Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do? A lot. And a lot of my friends do that.  What books, if any, have made you cry? Where the Red Fern Grows was the very first book that ever made me cry. Since then, I have cried over several hundred. lol Do you think you're attractive? In my own ways.  What are you allergic to? Just about everything, so it sometimes seems. Are you a jealous person? Not usually, but I've had the green-eyed monster possess me a time or two. What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? I've done it, and I'd do it again if given the chance. Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat? Ha! Never! If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? Michael Ross. I'm so glad I was born a girl! How old was your mother when you were born? 19 Whats your shoe size? 8 Is your hair soft? Yep! Are you toes long? Nope. They're short, fat, and crooked. Do your feet smell? I think probably. I can't even see them anymore, let alone smell them. Do you have big toenails? No... Do you wear a watch? Not usually. Do you have big lips? Nope. Just my bottom lip! Do you have abs? Sure, somewhere in that baby belly. Do you have aim? Sure. I can hit the broad side of a barn when I want to! Do you have MSN? Nope. One of the few who only uses Windows Messenger. Favorite Color? It changes daily. Perfect Man? My husband! Turn offs? Lots of things. |
| My boss is great in that, instead of making me deal with this stress on my own, she completely removed me from the equation to which I had been involuntarily added. Things have been smoothed over between her and K and no response is required from me. I'm thankful that she values me enough and understood me when I said that I did not want to be involved in the situation whatsoever. It makes me feel a whole lot better about going in to work tomorrow, other than the 100-year-old dust that's being kicked up because they're replacing the freight elevator 10 feet down the hall from our office. It had been so thick this morning that it was impossible to even see and it was nearly impossible to breathe. I threatened a couple of times that I would hold the school district responsible if this baby came out with three heads or something because I breathed in noxious carcinogens that caused him to mutate in-utero. In the meantime, I'm too tired to be entertaining. |
| Talk about an awkward situation: My immediate supervisor and her supervisor are having a bit of a tiff right now. I don't know what's causing it, nor do I care to know the specifics. I'm not a person who likes to get in the middle of situations like this, especially where it involves professional conduct and playing politics in the workplace. We had a department meeting on Friday, where they discussed my maternity leave, among other things. They asked if I had let HR know about my need for maternity leave, and I said that as far as I knew, all I had to do was notify them when I was returning in order to turn in my doctor's release, since I am not a contracted employee and I'm due to have the baby during my normal summer-time leave, anyway. J's boss, K, said that no, this wasn't true, and to please let HR know that I will be needing to take maternity leave and when my anticipated return date would be. J used to work in HR, and she still felt that it probably wasn't necessary, but in order to prevent any conflict between J and K, I went ahead and emailed the HR person and let her know that I'd be having a baby while I was gone and that my anticipated return date would be middle to late September. Then, this morning, at about 9:30 am, I got an email from K about the meeting on Friday. She basically bad-mouthed J and said a) that J incorrectly told me that I didn't have to listen to K, and b) that HR did need to know about my being gone for an extra 4 - 6 weeks and thanking me for copying her on said email. First of all, J even implying a) would be ridiculous. K is J's direct supervisor, so of course whatever she said regarding policies and such would apply to me. Secondly, I never felt that J said anything directly or even implied that I didn't have to listen to K, not even in a manner of jest. The second issue she addressed didn't even matter to me. It doesn't hurt to notify ahead of time, so I didn't have a problem doing it. The email as a whole, on the other hand, made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like if K felt that a) was an issue, then she should have spoken directly to J, and then if she felt it necessary, to come to me directly. It really is something that should have been addressed between her and J. Now I feel like a pawn in the middle of some unprofessional spat. I don't know how to respond to the email, which I feel like I need to do, not only in J's defense, but also to clarify that I never received the impression from J that I wasn't to listen to K, and also to let her know that for me to think otherwise would be out-of-line. I don't want to come across as disrespectful, but I feel like I've been disrespected by being put in the middle of this situation. I talked to J about it because she is my direct supervisor, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable that K would send an email like this to me without copying J. As J's supervisor, she should feel that whatever she says to me, she should be able to say it in front of J, regardless if it has to do with J or not. What am I supposed to do? I'm not going to feel like I'm sneaking around the office, keeping secrets from my boss! I just don't play those kind of games. Somehow, I also want to get it across to both of them (J already knows, because I told her) that I don't appreciate being put in this position. It puts undo stress on me, as well as the office, and my relationship with my immediate supervisor, as well as my department supervisor. It makes me feel like I'm being put into the middle of a conflict that I have nothing to do with. Most of all, it makes me feel like my supervisor is being discluded from office policy discussions, which she should not be. I don't know what to say to her. J thinks I should just address the first thing, letting her know that I never received that impression, and not address my feelings about the situation. I really feel like this needs some kind of resolution, though. If that means a meeting needs to be set up between myself and K, then fine. I just don't want her to think that I'm going to play power games and political games. I'm not going to allow myself to be put in the middle of whatever problems she has with my supervisor. I'm not going to discuss any problems she has with my supervisor. Any problems she has, she should be taking them up with her and not her subordinate. Why do I feel like the Mommy who has to admonish her children? Shame on you for being so childish! That's exactly how I feel. This entire situation has become and unprofessional, catty, uncomfortable situation. I have no clue what to do. It also makes me upset because I originally felt so, so good because one of the eighth-grade girls has her graduation/formal tonight, and I lent her the dress I wore to the Writing.Com formal. She was so happy to have such a beautiful dress that she cried, thanked me profusely, and hugged me. J says I went above and beyond anything she's ever even done and there was no way for her to repay me if something happened to the dress, the shoes, or the jewelry I loaned her. I told her that the dress could always be replaced, the shoes could always be replaced, and the jewlery could always be replaced. What couldn't be replaced was the way I felt after the family left the office, and that was like I had made a real difference in someone's life. That is why I turned down a $20-per-hour job that I had been offered last week. Sure, I could make $20 an hour, not have any financial worries, and be back in the line of work that I had gone to school for, but I would not have the personal fulfillment that I get from this job, at half the pay and half the hours. No amount of money can ever make me feel as good about what I do as I felt when this family left today. But then I got that email, and I feel like I'm reliving Pfizer politics all over again. *Sigh.* I just don't know what to do at all. At Pfizer, I wouldn't have hesitated to tell whomever it was that I wasn't interested in playing these games, but I didn't value my job like I do this one. I guess if I didn't care that this could affect K's attitude about me, I wouldn't be so worried. But I don't want my reaction to this to reflect poorly upon me or J. |
| My knee is finally starting to feel better and I can actually bend my leg without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I wanted to go grocery shopping this morning, since we didn't get to go Friday, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to go because Ethan is throwing up. It should be simple enough that I can leave Jason with him and go shopping myself, but Jason cannot handle vomit. He can handle all of the poopy diapers in the world, he can handle rotten food, but he cannot handle being thrown up on. Everytime Ethan gets sick, though, he throws up on Jason. I'm always the calm one when Ethan's sick. And if I'm not the one who goes grocery shopping, then my strawberries will be yucky, my sweet cherries will be rotten, and I'll end up with rice krispy treats instead of rice krispy cereal. And I can't go by myself because I have to buy 2 gallons of milk and 4 gallons of drinking water and I can't bend to put them under the basket so I can put the groceries in the cart. I guess if it came down to it, we could always take him over to J's Mom and Dad's house, but he seems to be doing better now. I had to take a break from this short entry to let him lay on me while he munched on some dry cereal and drank some water (by his request). Then I took a bath with him (he's so clingy when he doesn't feel well, but I don't mind it as long as I'm not trying to sleep at 3 am - lol) and now he's up and playing a little bit and watching baseball recaps on ESPN. He's also 2-fisting the cereal, which means his stomach isn't upset anymore. Maybe I will get to go to the grocery store. And we'll get him a tractor or a race car because he got sick this morning and that's my one soft spot for giving in, especially if he behaves at the store. How can I deny him a $5 - $10 toy at the store when he behaved after he spent the morning throwing up? He's got my weak stomach when it comes to having allergies. That's the only thing I can think of. I gave him some Benadryl about a half hour ago, he took a warm bath, and now he's better. He had played in some cut grass yesterday evening, so it probably kicked his allergies into overdrive. Anyway, I still haven't gotten any strawberries, and I'm starting to get to the point that if I don't get some, I'm going to go postal on someone. It's the only thing that I eat consistantly and I haven't had any for almost a week because J bought the last batch and they went bad in 2 days! The cherries I bought on Wednesday are still mostly OK, but they came from Sam's Club and they never last long from there. I'm also going to look to see if they have some henna dye or something for my hair. I can't use the chemicals, but my grey is driving me crazy. I'm not 40! I shouldn't have the amount that I do! My Mom said that each one is a day that Ethan's been sick, worried me, or upset me. If that were the case, all of my hair would be grey. |
| 1. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you do? You mean if he said I was pregnant while I'm already pregnant? Hmmm... I wouldn't be shocked, that's for sure. In fact, I'd probably say something incredibly smart-alec like, "Really? What was your first clue? That's not a pot belly, you know." 2. Do you trust all of your friends? I trust them enough to call them a friend. That has to say something. 3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love? Considering I already have on more than one occasion, this is an obvious yes. 4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? That's saying that I believe in destiny, which I don't. We all have the power of decision, and there's too many factors to say that our past decisions were part of some grand scheme. 5. Name TWO things you do NOT tolerate in a relationship. Abuse and lying. 6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor? I have a devilish angelic friend who is currently going to medical school, so I would choose her. 7. When was the last time you snuck out? Wow... 10 or 11 years ago? Once I became an adult, I became responsible for my own comings and goings. Plus, being sneaky is an annoying trait to let become a common one. 8. Are you afraid of falling in love? Nah... although you don't fall in love. You fall in lust. Love is something that develops and grows. 9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Yep. I have lots of random thoughts. 10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person? Not on purpose. 11. When was the last time you flew in a plane? When I went to the Writing.Com Convention in July. Actually, I flew to Washington, DC where I stayed with a friend until the convention, drove to the convention, drove back to the friend's house, then flew home. 12. What did the last text message you sent say? I don't send text messages. I send emails. 13. What features do you find most attractive? Lips, eyes, sense of humor. 14. Fill in the blank. I like __the rain______. I like to run naked in the rain, unless it's thundering and lightning. Then I stay inside. 15. What are your goals in life? To be a good mother and wife. 17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding? I am married. 18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Seriously, don't expect me to decide on just one thing. That would be like asking me if I could smell just one scent for the rest of my life, which one wouldn't it be. 19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would call? My husband, my mother, my son... anyone else who may have visited me while I was in said coma. 20. How many kids do you want to have? I am happy with the one I have and the one on the way, but I wouldn't be upset if God put it in the cards for me to have a third. 21. Would you make a good parent? Sometimes I think so. Sometimes I worry that I'm not a good enough parent. 22. Where was your default pic taken? In my back yard. 23. What is your middle name? Mae. My Grandma's middle name. 27. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?? Whether I really have had to poop several times today, or if it's heavy Braxton-Hicks upsetting the sensitive balance of my colon. 28. Are you musical? In some ways. 29. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change? If you change the past, you alter the present. I would rather not change today in order to relive yesterday. 30. Shoe size: It depends on the shoe. Anywhere from 7.5 to 8.5. 31. What are you wearing right now? A red halter dress. 32. Righty or lefty: Both. 33. Can you make a dollar in change right now: I can make several dollars in change. 34. Best place to go for a date: Dinner and a movie. 35. Favorite jeans: Right now? The maternity ones that don't look like maternity jeans. 37. Favorite animal: Don't really have one. 38. Favorite month: Don't really have one. Any month that's not winter is tolerable to me. 39. Favorite juice: Don't really have one. My least favorite is tomato or vegetable. 40. Have you had the chicken pox?: When I was five-ish. 41. Have you had a sore throat?: Every once in a while. 42. Have you had plastic surgery?: All of me is flesh, none of me is plastic. I've thought about getting a tummy-tuck when I'm 35, but that's not plastic surgery. That's cosmetic surgery. 43. Who knows you the best? My husband followed by my friend Richelle. 45. Do you get along with your family?: Which family? My husband and son, yes. My mom, dad, and sisters, most of the time. 44. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? Not lately. 46. Ever been in a fight with your pet? A fight? What the hell kind of question is this? 47. Been to Mexico?: Nope. 49. Did you buy something today? Not yet. 50. Did you get sick today? Yep. I puked up a bagel and some juice. Just what you wanted to know, huh? 52. Do you miss someone today?: Often. 53. Did you get in a fight with someone today?: By fight, I assume a physical confrontation. No, I haven't gotten hit or hit anyone. 54. Did you have sex today? No, but it's been on my mind. 55. Last person to sleep in your bed?: Me and my husband. 56. Last person to see you cry? My psychologist on Thursday. 57. Who made you cry? Remembering how I felt when Ethan was born, his blood sugar had dropped causing his body temperature to drop, and they took him to the nursery for hours. It was highly traumatic for me. 58. What was the last TV show you watched?: I'm watching something about moving a silo on the History Channel. 60. What are your plans for the weekend?: Going to a graduation party tonight and then spending tomorrow being a home-bound bum. That's pretty much how this morning has went. |
| 1. Do you know anyone in Prison? Paris Hilton is in prison right now. Well, it's really just jail, but she's behind bars, anyway. Why is the word prison capitalized in this question? It's not like prison is a city or something. 2. Have you ever logged onto a bf/gf/crush's MySpace page? Sure. I have guy friends and girl friends on MySpace. But you don't "log on" to their pages. You visit them. 3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly Thursday, before the GOTR Celebration 5K. Peter Pan peanut butter (not my favorite) with Smucker's strawberry jam/jelly. I don't remember which, but whatever one has the most fruit chunks. 4. Which do you enjoy more: Soccer or Hockey? Why the fuck does the person who wrote this quiz capitalize words that don't need to be? I'm not even going to take the time to answer the question because it was retarded to capitalize the word "hockey." 5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party Anything is possible, once I get drunk enough. Just ask Problematic Content and Robert Waltz  and Mariposa . Oh, and elizm446 and Sophy  and Diane . I don't think I've ever gotten so drunk that I got naked, at least until I was alone with someone and wanted to get lucky.6. Name someone you miss? My Grandpa. He's been gone for almost 3 years now. 7. Are you named after a grandparent? My first name is not, but my middle name was my Dad's Mom's, who passed away when I was about six. 8. Who loves you? Are you kidding me? Everyone loves me! I am the most loveable person out there! If you don't love me, then there's something wrong with you! 9. Have you ever broken a rib? My own or someone elses? I've never broken a rib of my own, but I got into a fight in high school where I pushed a girl, she fell into a stair rail, and it broke 3 of her ribs. 11. Who is the most spoiled person you know? Besides my son? Probably me. 12. Would you rather have a billion dollars or true love? What the fuck is "true love?" I hate that term, because it makes it sound like something that's unwavering and unchanging, when it is not. It is constantly growing, changing, evolving, fading, strengthening. And you can only spend so much money, which means a billion would probably be pointless unless you like a lot of expensive toys. 13. Which of your friends have a private piercing? Isn't the point of private to be private? If they have a piercing in a place that I don't want to see, I probably don't want to know. What people do with their own bodies is their own business. 14. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine? Seriously? I'm secretly dating a marine named Jabari who is stationed in Antarctica. Don't tell my husband, OK? 15.Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older? Age is irrelevant anymore because I'm at an age, myself, where my 30-year limit means that most of the guys I would allow myself to be interested in would be younger than me. But, again, this is irrelevant because I am married and my husband is 30. I guess I could always trade him in for a younger model, though! 17. What's your favorite junk food? Right now? Plain M&Ms. 18. Is your birthday on a holiday? It's been close to Easter, but I don't think I've managed to actually have it fall on Easter since I've been born. 19. What's up? I love taking surveys with pointless questions. 20. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now? My cousins Dustin and Joshua are both in the Army. Dustin is in Iraq right now. I think Joshua is shipping out next month. 21. Are you a vegetarian? "And I don't eat meat because I'm a vet-ernarian..."  22. Do you worry about global warming? Al Gore is my hero. 23. Do you like polar bears? I've never met one, personally. The closest I've come is meeting someone who goes polar bearing. He was a crazy bastard. Of course, you'd have to be crazy to go running into a freezing lake in the middle of the winter, naked. 24. What song do you want played at your funeral? "Touch Me" as sung by Susan Sarandon in Rocky Horror Picture Show. I want to be dirty. 25. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true? Which dream? They changed daily. 26. Do you wear your boyfriend/girlfriends clothes? No, my boyfriend is a marine that is in Antarctica right now. But I do wear my husband's t-shirts a lot. 27. Are you a country or city girl/boy? Yes. I'm a country and city hermaphrodite. 28.Are you taller than 5'6? No. I'm 5'5", so I fall just under that measurement. 29. Do you consider yourself spoiled? Very much so. Does that piss you off? |
| I'm such a retarded clutz. LOL. That's the best way to put it. Here I was, home all by myself for a few minutes. Jason was on his way home with Ethan. The living room was a bit of a mess so I was going to straighten it a little so Ethan wouldn't have anything to get into when he got home. In the middle of the living room floor was a small aircraft. By small, I mean hand-sized. It was left there haphazardly, this morning, by its owner. The owner happened to, of course, be Ethan. I didn't see this small aircraft laying in the middle of the floor because it was past the range of view that I had due to my belly being so bulging. I stepped on said small aircraft, and then it would have been like watching the jolly green giant fall from the bean stalk. My foot tipped forward, my weight shifted, my knee came crashing down to the floor. I started to fall forward until I put my hands out and caught myself on the couch. My weight continued to shift forward, causing my knee cap to pull and separate, and then my upper chest came to rest on the cushions of the couch seat. In all of this, my belly never got a direct hit. I wasn't graceful enough to prevent myself from falling, but at least I had enough grace to control how and where I fell. Not an easy task when your center of balance is off and your ligaments are all loose, but I did it. I lowered myself to my side on the floor, crying as my knee screamed that it hurt. Just then, the phone rang. Thankfully, it was right next to me on the floor, where I dropped it so I could catch myself. I answered in a pained voice, which I couldn't help because I was... well... in pain! Joe was on the other side, "Melissa?" "Yes?" "Are you OK?" "No." "What's wrong?" "I fell and hurt my knee." "How did you fall?" "I'm pregnant and clumsy, do I need any other reason?" "Is the baby OK?" "Yes. My knee just hurts." "Where's Jason?" "On his way home." "OK. How far away is he?" "About 5 - 10 minutes. I'll be fine. I just need his help off the floor." "OK, well I have to go take a shower, but I'm going to call back when I get done to make sure that Jason's made it home. Otherwise, I'm coming over there to pick your ass up off the floor." "It wouldn't be the first time you had to do that, Joe." "Yeah, I know. A good husband's job is never done." (I often call Joe my good husband because I get all of the benefits of a husband with him without having to live with him or have sex with him. He's taken out the garbage for me, fixed something on my car, picked up dog poop in the back yard, and other things that are normally Jason's job.)We hung up. Jason arrived home a few minutes later and picked me up off the floor. He brought me an ice pack for my swollen knee, and then told me to call my midwife. I hadn't originally planned to because the baby was moving, I never hit my belly, and other than my swollen knee, I feel fine. I did, though, because Jason said he would rather be safe than sorry. So I called, spoke with Linda, and was told to stay off my feet for the next 12 - 24 hours, to ice my knee (duh), if I felt any abnormal pains in my uterin area, or had any weird discharge, to give her another call. Keep calm, although I didn't sound like I was having a problem with that, and take it easy. That's what I get for being a retarded clutz. Now I can't go to the grocery store and get strawberries. I blame both of my kids for this unfortunate circumstance. I want some strawberries, damnit. |
| So my head doctor thinks I suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome from my pregnancy, and subsequent semi-traumatic childbirth experience with Ethan. The pre-term labor, infection, and more pre-term labor that had me in the hospital for a week, coupled with his low birthweight and having them take him away from me to put under the heat lamps and stuff when his blood sugar dropped affected me more than I thought, apparently. She said she sees a lot of women who have traumatic pregnancies in a later pregnancy because the stresses come back to haunt them in the subsequent pregnancies and, even if they can function, their body's coping mechanisms are kind of haywired. So the nice thing is that I know it's something that can be worked out. She said I have a pretty good handle on myself, for the most part. I just need a little help figuring out the triggers and how to work myself through them. In other news, they had the GOTR 5K yesterday. All of my girls finished and without a problem, despite temperatures being in the 90s and the fact that we stood on an open football field, in the hot, blaring sun, for almost 2 hours before the celebration run even started. This lead to several girls on other teams, at other schools, whose coaches did not make sure they were hydrated as well, having heat exhaustion before the run even started! Lucky for our girls, us coaches were smart enough to make sure we pumped them full of Gatorade (we seriously forced some of them to drink it) and sodium-enriched food at the school before they got on the buses, and kept pushing water on them while we were on the field. I had to go to the first aid tent myself, but not because of dehydration. The sun beating down on me, coupled with the heat, just made me and my little built-in furnace get too overheated. I told my coaches where I was going, told the girls I was going to the bathroom, and that I'd see them at the finish line because the run was going to be starting in about 5 minutes. I sat inside the ticket office at the stadium, where it was air conditioned, with a cold compress and some ice water, for about 25 minutes, before I felt better and was able to get out to the finish line and watch my first girl finish the run in 34 minutes and 48 seconds. That mom, the kind of nutty one, had decided to run/walk the course with her daughter. They finished next-to-last, but I was proud that they finished. As we're checking off the girls' names as their parents come to pick them up, the Mom says to me, "I don't think I can walk to the bus stop. My legs hurt and my stomach is kind of upset." "It sounds like you have a little bit of dehydration sickness," I said to her. "You should go to the first aid tent, get under the shade and out of the sun, and drink a lot of water." She stood around for a couple more minutes. We were trying to get our area picked up and keep track of who was coming and going, so I wasn't insistant about her going to the first aid tent. Besides that, I felt like she wasn't really our responsibility to manage. She had joined as a community runner and wasn't one of the girls whom I was responsible to make sure left safely with their parents. A few minutes later, she asked me where the first aid tent was, and I pointed her in the direction. She didn't look pale or anything, so I wasn't too concerned about her having heat exhaustion or heat stroke. I figured she just hadn't hydrated well enough throughout the day and was paying the price. She headed off in the direction I had lead her, and we continued to make sure each of the girls on all of the teams left with a parent or guardian. We spoke to a lot of the parents directly, thanked them for coming to cheer on their girls, and invited them to the party on Tuesday. Eventually, everyone was gone, and it was just us coaches. Since we had taken the bus to the school, Jason had brought his Dad's 9-seater passenger van to take the other coaches back to the school so they could get their cars. As we're leaving, we see the paramedics and the first-aid people in the little tunnel that lead out of the stadium. One of the other coaches leans over to me and says, "How much do you want to bet that's M's Mom?" "Well, I did send her to the first aid tent because she complained of cramps and that her stomach was upset." "She is such a drama queen. I thought she was trying to skank a ride off of you because she didn't want to take the bus and have to walk." "She looked OK when I sent her that way, so I assumed she might have had some dehydration and that's it." We get over to the tunnel, and sure enough, it was that mom, spread-eagle with the first-aid people and paramedics hovering around her. The other coaches kept walking, and I slowed down for a minute to guage where M was. I asked one of the first aid people if the Mom was OK. "She collapsed as she was coming to the first aid tent. She's having some heart palpitations and seems to have the beginning of heat exhaustion, maybe some mild heat stroke." I walked up to the end of the tunnel. M was on someone's cell phone making a phone call. Another of the coach's came over to me and told me that J had gone to get the van and would pull it up outside of the stadium in about 3 or 4 minutes. "To be honest," I said, "I'm not comfortable leaving at the moment. I know the rest of you want to get out of here because it's hot and we're all tired, but I can't leave M with her mom spread-eagle in the tunnel like that." "To be honest," the other coach said back to me, "I don't think we should leave, yet, either." So, I told the other coaches I would be back and that I was going to go talk to the paramedics really fast to find out what was going on. As much as the woman might drive me crazy, and as much as her daughter might drive me crazy, I'm still a Mom and if something were wrong with me, I'd want someone to make sure my kid was taken care of and OK. Do unto others as you would have done onto yourself. As I was talking to the paramedics, some of the GOTR officials came over to find out what was going on. The paramedics told me that they were taking the Mom to the hospital to get her some IV fluids and for her to be observed for a little bit, that they were taking M with them, and that M's aunt was going to meet them at the hospital, so she would have someone to take care of her there. I still felt nervous about leaving, so I kind of hovered around for a few more minutes. I talked to the GOTR officials that came over to find out the situation, told them what was going on, asked them if I should stay or leave because I didn't just want to leave M. M came up to me then and grabbed my hand. "Is my Mom going to be OK? What's wrong with her?" I about wanted to cry. I felt like such a shit for just sending her to the first aid tent, instead of having her sit down and bringing someone to her. "Your Mom's going to be OK, honey. She just got a little too hot and the doctors need to cool her down and give her body something to drink." "Are you sure?" "Yep, the paramedics told me that they were going to take her to see some doctors and that they would make sure she was all better. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?" "No." "I bet they'll let you ride along and get your first chance!" I was trying to make it sound like something fun, rather than something scary. "Your aunt will be waiting with the doctors when you get there." "OK." She walked back over to her Mom and told her what I had said. I finished up with the GOTR official and made sure it was absolutely OK to leave. As I was leaving, I made sure to say bye to M and her Mom and to invite them to the party on Tuesday and told M's Mom that I hope she felt better. What else could I do? The other coaches were starting to get impatient. I still felt guilty all night because I feel like I didn't do the right thing, but I wasn't responsible for her. I was only responsible for her daughter. Anyway, I just had to get all that off my chest here. |
| My head doctor appointment is in about 20 minutes. In the meantime, I have spent the morning analyzing what I thought were the test scores of homeless students so that I could compare them to the district-wide average for a supplemental to our grant narrative. It's great that the regional educational organization tracks test scores so that people like me can find trends from one group of demographics to another. The only problem is that when I pulled the homeless student scores, recorded the averages, and then started pulling the district-wide averages, the numbers were the exact same. That means I have to get on the wire with KRESA and find out why it isn't separating the demographics that I'm selecting. Just what I need - another set back. I'm supposed to have tomorrow off. I don't want to end up spending my weekend at home trying to pull this data together for the supplemental. It's not like the data is going to be hugely important this year, since this is the first year we're really tracking the data, but the state has made sure that we know that it is important for us to track academic progress regardless if we've intervened during the school year to offer individual support to students who might be struggling on an academic level. We have put new policies into place for next school year, rather ambitious policies I might add, to track students' progress and intervene when we see a problem, rather than waiting for the student, teacher, or parent to come to us. We've decided that being proactive is a better approach to making sure that these kids get the same support and education opportunities that the non-homeless students get. It's probably something that bores the lot of you, but I love data, and tracking data. This feels like something I was born to do. It's just an extra bonus that tracking this data will end up being beneficial to a group who really need it. |
| Tomorrow is the GOTR 5K, and Tuesday was the team's last official practice. With the practice, we do an exit survey to see how the program has influenced their perception of what is healthy since they started the program (they obviously took a pre-survey before we started the lessons). Then we have them fill out a sheet of paper that says what they liked about GOTR and what they learned from GOTR. We have a range of body types from each of the girls, from tall and skinny, to short and skinny, to tall and chubby, to short and chubby. After practice, we were reading through the responses to see what the girls may have put though didn't share with the group. One of our shorter, chubby (but not fat) girls wrote under the What I've Learned section: "I learned that being skinny won't make you a good runner and that you can be fat and run just as fast as a girl that is skinny and looks like she's in shape." Some girls gave other positive feedback, which made both my co-coach and me want to cry. As much frustration as we may have had to endure, as much time and energy as we've invested in these girls, even if nobody else learned anything, the fact that this particular girl could come away from the program feeling better about herself and her body made it all worthwhile. That girl box is so hard to come out of, and the fact that just one of our girls was able to overcome her personal challenges and insecurities in order to be more comfortable with herself makes me feel a little less trapped within my own girl box. Instead of dreading volunteering to be a coach next year, it makes me feel like my involvement with these girls is worthwhile and actually look forward to another year. If you have nothing else going on tomorrow between 5:30 and 7 pm, offer my girls a cheer from where you are. They might not be able to hear you, but they still need all of the encouragement they can get. |
| I was thinking a lot about this today, because I know it's something I need to talk about with Jason. I don't know what to say to him, although I'm sure that I can touch on this with Michelle (the psychologist I'm going to see tomorrow) and try to come up with some kind of productive approach. Having a past that includes sexual abuse has kind of warped my interpretation of sex and has done so my whole life. I do have a high-octane libido, normally, but sex has never been something that I do to connect to a person. I can pleasure myself as well, or better, than someone else can because I know what I like without having to say what I like. It sounds horrible to say it that way, because I feel like I'm saying that Jason isn't good enough or something, which isn't true, but I've always been that way in all relationships. A guy has to work very hard to satisfy me in bed. He has to have a lot of endurance, but he also has to have a lot of patience because I have several triggers that cause me to associate sex with abuse and then it takes me a long time to get over it. I also don't associate emotions with the actual act. I don't have to love you in order to have sex with you. I don't always consider having sex to be something that connects me to my significant other. I do that when I say "I love you," when I kiss you goodbye, when I hold your hand, when I cuddle with you, when I hug you, when do things because I know it's something you appreciate. I know part of my lack of emotions where sex is involved have to do with my history of abuse, but part of it is because I spent two years of my life having sex because I wanted to, rather than because I had an emotional attachment to the person I chose to have sex with. Jason, on the other hand, sees sex as something that should be shared between two people who love each other. He's one of those guys that are fine taking care of himself, but prefers the act because of the emotions that go with it. Since we have such little alone time together, it's the way he connects with me on an intimate level. He wants to know that I want to be with him and be intimate with him and not just satisfy him, but also be satisfied and enjoy the actual experience because, to him, it is a measure of love. So when I go periods of months without initiating, have no interest in his attempts at initiation, and basically just have sex with him to appease him. I don't want foreplay. I'm not interested in being touched in any way. In fact, it annoys me. I don't enjoy it, I just want it to be over and done with, and I want to go to sleep once it's said and done. There aren't any fireworks. There isn't any enjoyment. It's just something I do to make him feel better. I don't want to be like this. I don't want Jason to get an impression that I don't care about being intimate with him. I don't want him to think I have no emotions in regard to him. I'm not sure if what I want is not what I'm capable of. I don't know how to talk to Jason about it without getting frustrated because he doesn't understand me, I don't understand him. Or the other thing I worry about is sounding too disattached because I don't use sex to connect to him on an emotional level. I am an affectionate person, though. I hug, kiss, hold hands, cuddle. I like to put my head in his lap when we're watching tv together. I like to play with his hair or have him play with my hair. All of that stuff is what connects me to him, not the stuff we do in the bedroom. I guess it would never have been a problem if my libido hadn't started playing a game of hide and seek about five months ago. He does the things I need him to do in order to know he loves me, but I have no desire whatsoever to do the things he needs me to in order for him to feel like I love him. This is more personal than I usually get, but I can't keep doing this to him for another week, let alone another two months. I don't want to be the dead fish laying in the bed. I want to be actively involved. I want to have a desire to be involved. I just don't know how to do what I want to do. |
| This rarely happens. It's early in the morning, and I'm home alone. The sucky thing is that I have to leave for work in about 15 minutes, and I don't feel like it. I get to come home and have time alone after noon, but I want the whole day to myself. Why shouldn't I have the whole day to myself? I deserve it! lol The whole point of my entry yesterday was that I guess I've been having mini panick attacks, which I do and don't understand why. I mean, yes, I worry about things, but I know that it's normal to worry and I know that I'm not really overwhelmed by those worries. Heather thinks that I'm subconsiously waiting for something to go wrong with this pregnancy, given that my pregnancy with Ethan was incredibly difficult. That, coupled with the normal worries, is apparently too much for me. I talked to the doctor Heather referred me to yesterday evening. I gave her a general run-by of who I am: type A personality, control freak, perfectionist, and incredibly self-critical. I know these things about myself, though, so I don't let myself get caught up in my urge to control everything. Since Ethan was born, I've actually been pretty good about letting things go, and being more easy-going when things don't go exactly as planned. Sure, I have moments where I don't do as well as others, but we're all human and sometimes we forget to keep ourselves in check. She seemed nice enough, anyhow. I'm going into her office on Thursday for an actual session. I figure I'll just keep an open mind and be realistic about my expectations. In other news, a plane crashed on its way back to Ypsilanti from Milwaukee. It crashed in Lake Michigan, and there aren't any expected survivors. There's also an E-85 pump opening in Lansing today. If only we could get one in Kalamazoo. Not that it would matter, since my van isn't E-85 compatible, but at least the option would be there if we had to buy a new vehicle. That's it for me. I still have to go get dressed. Talk about waiting until the last minute. lol |
| I had my 30 weeks appointment today and was talking to my midwife about the general birth plan and everything involving the hydrotherapy tub and what I need to do if I want to birth in the tub and whatnot. We got on the topic of my breathing problems and I told her that sometimes it seemed to be accompanied by heart palpitations, while other times it wasn't. She then started asking me some other questions, and it lead to me crying like a stupid baby in her office because I told her that I admit that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a good Mom, a good wife, and a good person, and that I felt like I hadn't been accomplishing those things. I also told her that I felt like I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself about labor and delivery, that I keep telling myself it is -OK- to get an epidural if I absolutely cannot take the pain, that it is -OK- to formula feed if I can't breastfeed, and that it is -OK- to ask people for help when I'm feeling overwhelmed and over my head. Telling myself something and actually believing what I say are two different things, though. I don't want an epidural. I did fine without one with Ethan, even with all of the hours and days of back labor and feeling like my back was going to break during the last few centimeters of dialation. But Ethan was only 5 lbs, 10 ounces. He was only 18 3/4 inches long. This baby is going to be bigger than Ethan. He may already be close to 5 lbs by my size. I know that usually giving birth after your first child is easier, but I still stress about it and I don't need to yet. Breast feeding is a touchy subject for me. Jason's Mom stresses me out about it because she acts like I'm stupid for even trying to attempt it with a 2-year-old and a newborn, especially since I had so many problems with Ethan. The big problems with Ethan, though, was that I felt so much pressure to make sure he got enough to eat, that he was gaining weight, and that he was getting a lot of intake because of his small size and his jaundice. I shouldn't have that pressure this time around, and if I do, I know how to deal with it. It's just important to me that I do the best I can to give all of my children the best that is available, and to me the best thing available for them nutritionally is what I provide them via my own body. That doesn't mean that formula is horrible. I mean, Ethan was exclusively formula-fed after 2 weeks old, and he's a healthy, happy, smart little boy. But if I am physically able to breast feed, and I have no serious issues to deal with regarding this baby's weight and size, then there's no reason for me to automatically defer to formula. This is my own personal choice, and nobody should make me feel like I'm bad for wanting to give it another try. My midwife does think that I have too many perfectionistic tendencies and that I'm setting myself up for postpartum depression, though. She said that I'm 10 times more high-strung this pregnancy than I was my last, and my last pregnancy was so horrible that she can't understand why. She said it could be a subconscious reaction, like waiting for the ball to drop. I have no positive pregnancy memories from the last time around, and so my body is just sort of tensed-and-waiting for something to go wrong. I think part of it is that I have no way to expel my stress-energy. After I had Ethan, I took up running. I've been a very active and healthy person. I've had to really limit my physical activities due to the threatening preterm labor issues. I'm limited even to how long I can walk at a time. There's no way for me to decompress in the ways that I'm used to decompressing, and I think I haven't figured out how to redirect that energy to something else. Another thing that's been bothering me is my lack of libido. I should be at prime libido time for this pregnancy, and the thought of even having sex just makes me stress out. I might have a period of five minutes where it sounds like a good idea, but then as soon as the urge hits, I'm like, "Nah, I don't feel like it." I worry that Jason is going to lose his patience with me over that. I mean, he does everything else around the house. He does the laundry. He does the dishes. The only thing I really clean regularly is the toilet and that's because I can't stand my toilet to stink. I know I'm doing a lot just by having a healthy pregnancy, but I feel like the very least I could do is have a libido. lol. I'm such a whiny shit. That's why my midwife's referred me to a counselor. I agreed because it won't hurt to go talk to someone. I don't want to be put on any medications, but I also won't mind it if it helps and I actually am able to relax and enjoy the next 2 months without these weird feelings. In my head, I know there's nothing to stress about. I know that everything I worry about is normal and that there's nothing wrong with it. But getting my body to cooperate with what my mind keeps telling it is posing to be a difficult situation. What can I say? We all know I'm crazy. |
| My son cracks me up. Last night, I was singing a song from KC & the Sunshine Band. "That's the Way I Like It." I was singing the actual music, "Do, do, do, do, do, do, do-do-do," and then "that's the way uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh." Everytime I would sing it, he would give me this grin that would just crack me up, and then he would crack up because he made me laugh. We went back and forth, doing this for about 10 minutes, before Jason goes, "ALRIGHT, ALREADY! You're both driving me nuts!" You know what, though? We didn't stop. We were having too much fun. Finally Jason just gave up and started singing along with me. Ethan would get that crazy grin every single time. It was hilarious. I wish I had thought to get out the video recorder so I could have saved it for later, but we were in the moment and having too much fun for me to pause it long enough to get it out. In other news, two of my older friends found me on myspace yesterday! I was so excited about one of them that I nearly cried, and the other one is someone I haven't talked to since my senior year in high school. So, despite what other people may think, myspace has been good for something for me. ( http://www.myspace.com/smylingyrl ) Today is the infamous Air Zoo event. Since it's inside, I'm hoping that I won't end up puking in a public restroom after it's said and done. That was the most embarassing moment in my life to this point, especially because I was nice enough to go out and tell an employee that I got sick in the restroom and made a mess, so he should probably call someone from maintenance to come clean it up. Lucky for me, I'm very clearly pregnant, so I got a lot more sympathy than I would have had I just been some drunken fool or even just plain old sick and not pregnant. I went through all of that just because I wanted one of those memory foam matress pads for my bed so I could sleep good that night. I got my foam pad, alright. I slept decent, though I didn't feel well so I woke up a few times due to that. Since Ethan was at Grandma and Papa's, Jason and I got to sleep in that morning. I was even nice enough to give in and have sex with him that morning. I miss the days when I actually enjoyed having sex and couldn't wait till we had a moment alone with each other so we could actually partake. Now, I get periods of five minutes where it sounds like a good idea, but I just don't feel like it. I just pray that this is only until about August, and then however long it takes my hormones to get back to normal. Either way, yesterday was a good day. Ethan and I had fun being silly. And then I slept from 10 o' clock last night until 7 this morning without waking up. Not even to go pee! That memory foam was worth the money spent. My hips don't hurt as bad and I'm less dependent on my pillow network. |
| Dear stranger in the restroom at Wal*Mart, Please allow me to take this time to apologize to you for having to bare witness to my first ever throw-up in a public restroom. You see, it was hot yesterday and I had spent a lot of time outside in that heat. The hot dog that I'd eaten at the ball park, along with the Pringles, the cookies, the water, the Capri Sun, and the Sprite didn't sit as well as intended on my stomach, nor did any of it apparently digest even though hours had passed since most of it had been eaten. I tried my very hardest to make your experience of listening to my stomach wretching as quiet as possible, but I'm sure it was unenjoyable either way because of how fast you wiped, flushed, and left the restroom, all without taking the time to ask if I was OK. Then again, I can't begrudge you that because you probably thought I was some drunk stoner who couldn't hold her tequila and thought it would be fun to wander Wal*Mart in my drunken stuper. Lastly, I apologize for missing the toilet the first time and thus spreading the smell of vomit all over the restroom. My intention, when I first started to get sick, was to hit the inside of the bowl, not spew the contents of my stomach over the stool, the wall, and the floor. If I had had my choice, I would not have gotten sick at all. I wanted to make sure that I took the time to thank you for your tolerance. I hope that it has not ruined any future experience you might have in a Wal*Mart, or any public, restroom. My sincerest apologies, The pregnant woman who puked in the handicap stall 2 stalls down from you |
| In the past couple of weeks, I've been helping to plan an event that our office is doing alongside the Parent Corps program and the EvenStart program within the same school district. We've invited families from our highest populated homeless schools, Parent Corps participants and families, and EvenStart families to a community celebrity softball game. Each person is getting free admission and food voucher good for a hot dog, a bag of chips, and a small soda. (Title I is paying for it, basically.) It was assumed by my boss that I would be there, but we never really discussed it, other than that she asked about our easy-up tent and some tables, which I'm bringing from my own personal belongings. We're handing out a gift bag to each family, along with a $5 gas card if it was arranged in advance, to help with transportation costs. (Remember, most of our families are homeless and don't have two wooden nickels to rub together, let alone extra money to put in their car, if they have one, to go gallavanting around town. If they don't have a car, we gave them enough bus tokens to get there and go home.) Since I'm providing the tables and the tent, I obviously won't be able to leave before the event is over, since it would kind of defeat the point of bringing the stuff in the first place. So, I arranged for Jason's Mom to keep Ethan overnight so that Jason would be able to help clean up and tear down afterwards. The plan is to be out of there by 9:30 at the latest. But we always know how plans go. On Sunday, we have another event at the Air Zoo ( http://www.airzoo.org/ ), and I'll have to work for about 4 hours. Nothing like Friday, which will be at least 7 hours. So, I happened to ask my boss yesterday who to bill for both events. Since I work for Title I on occasion, but I also work for her, I wasn't sure which program would be paying for my wages. "You're not billing anyone," she said to me. "What do you mean?" I asked, confused. "You're getting comp time for being there." "Uhm... I'm hourly. I can't have comp time." "Oh... that's right. Well, I'm not paying you to be there. You're getting free admission and a meal voucher." "OK. That's a $5 ticket for the softball game and $4 worth of food for 7 hours worth of work, plus the services of my husband's muscles. I think that goes against all minimum wage laws that exist. What about Sunday?" "You're getting admission into the Air Zoo!" "OK, so I get an $8 ticket for 4 hours worth of work. That's mildly better than the softball game, but I still think that I will pass on both if I'm not getting paid." "Well I'm not getting paid overtime!" "You're salaried. You get comp time." So I finally worked it out with her that I'd be getting paid by McKinney-Vento for both events. She asked me to be at the softball game, and then she decided she wanted me there for the Air Zoo. I wouldn't have had a problem staying home for either event. I wasn't about to go and have to work on my own time without some reimbursement. I'm sorry, but free admission is not incentive enough for me. It's supposed to rain on and off today, so we'll see if the softball game even comes to fruition. I doubt T.J. Duckett and all will be up to playing softball in the rain. And even though we have a tent, I doubt I will be up to sitting out in the rain, no matter if I'm paid to or not. OK. I better go eat. I'm not the hungry one. The baby is. He keeps kicking me in my sore spots. That means, "FEED ME, MOMMY!" |
| I don't know if it's the weather or what this week, but holy hell is everyone in the bitchiest of bitchy moods. Last night, Jason and I argued for an hour over an envelope. Yes, an envelope. It had a reference number written on it for our Dish receiver that had to be sent back, and I suggested that he probably accidentally threw it away when he had cleaned the kitchen on Saturday. This sent him into a rage that I could see him being justified for if I had accused him of cheating on me or something, but it was over a stupid envelope. It isn't like we can't call Dish and get the reference number again. Nothing to worry about, not a big deal. And we argued about it for an hour. Well, he argued about it. I just kept telling him to drop it. I guess he expected an apology from me because I suggested he could accidentally throw something away without realizing it was something he needed. I refuse to apologize for suggesting he isn't perfect. So at 11 pm, he finally decided that I wasn't going to be badgered into an apology so he finally left me alone and went to sleep. Then I go to my Girls on the Run practice today, and they were just plain out nasty. They didn't want to get started, they didn't want to go outside, they didn't want to do anything. After trying to get them started for about 10 minutes, I finally lost my patience and began speaking in a very loud, angry voice. "You know, girls, I don't have to be here. I could go home right now." "Then why are you here?" Alay'Jah asked me. "Because I want to be here, but right now you girls aren't making me feel like I want to be here. Do you want me to be here?" "Yes, coach Melissa." "Then please get your shoes on and get outside so we can get the running done so we can do the fun stuff." So finally they got themselves together and went outside to continue to be uncooperative. I had brought popsicles so that during our community project planning they could have something fun. We got the popsicles out, I passed them out, and they proceeded to complain that the popsicles I brought were nasty. OK, I'll admit I'd never tried them before, but I bought, out of my own pocket, the Slushie popsicles. I thought they'd be something different and fun. "You could at least say 'thank you for the nasty popsicles,'" I ended up saying to one of the girls. Then we went inside to talk about the community project. Before we got started, there was an activity we were supposed to do that showed working together where we all had to stand in a circle, facing each others backs. On the count of 3, everyone was supposed to try to sit on the person behind them's lap, all at the same time. "I don't want to do that." "Ugh! I'm not sitting on her lap!" But the best response was, "What if someone sees us? They might think we're gay!" ... "Are you gay?" "No." "Would it matter if you were gay?" "No." "Then why does it matter if they think that?" "Because they'll make fun of us." "Honey, if you don't do something everytime that someone thinks something bad about you, you'll never leave your house and never have any fun." And it kept going like this for about 5 or so minutes, until I finally lost my patience again. "Alright, then! Everybody get out of the circle and sit down. We just won't play a game today!" They got upset with me because I decided to take all of the fun out of coaxing them to do an activity that they were fighting me every step of the way to complete. "Key'Era, are you having fun?" "No." "Do you think I'm having fun?" "No." "Then what can we do to make sure that we're all having fun?" "Participate and not have an attitude." "Which is easier to do, participate, or have an attitude?" "Participate." "Why?" "Because practice goes smoother and we get more done." "That's right." At least they listened to reason, even if they didn't follow it. After we talked about it for a few more minutes, we started trying to figure out what to do for our community project. I'm proud to say that we did decide to make posters and cards for the kids in the pediatric ward at the hospitals. They couldn't decide on which hospital to choose, so they decided to do enough to take to each hospital so that it would be fair for everyone. So, even with all of that foulness, I guess that I can find something good. We will be making a lot of sick kids happy on Friday when we go deliver the cards. But my God, the attitudes and grumbling and whining was enough to nearly send me into labor. I came home and had to drink a bunch of water because the stress and sweating in this heat made me start up with the contractions again. I'm determined that these girls aren't going to make me give up with only 2 practices, the 5K, and the party left to go. There may only be a few adults to all of these girls, but we're all tough and can make it just another week. We're all antsy because the program is almost done, added to their antsiness about the school year being about over. We can all make it just a few more days together. |
I took some pictures today because I'm procrastinating finishing up some graduation invitations for one of the students that my office has dealt with for the past 4 years. I volunteered to make his open house invitations, and my boss is paying for the supplies, as a gift from the office and from herself personally.  Anyway, I got Jason to snap a photo of me in my cute little summer outfit earlier. I swear I look tiny as compared to real life, though it could just be the way I'm standing, and of course I only see myself from above, really. My girth is something like 42 inches, though, at my widest point. I no longer have a belly button, and I have uber ugly stretch marks like I never got when I was pregnant with Ethan. If I get another photo of my bare belly, I will definitely be black & whiting that photo. lol. The other photos are of Ethan from April. Kind of old photos, but they were awesome and show just how adorable he is. He's sleeping right now, otherwise I'd try to get some pictures taken of him, even though he's nearly impossible with all the running around he does.   We were at the Nature Center and he was playing peekaboo from behind the tree at our favorite spot. Unfortunately, because of my restrictions now, I won't be able to take him back during the day unless I can get someone to come with me. Either way, that's my boy! He's so darn cute! |
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