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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hey Sunshine, Oh man when reality slaps me in the face. I can feel it. I am about to puke with the way I feel right now.I should have seen this day coming but seriously I had my blinders on. I am a strong believer in karma and that things go around. Still, in my bizarre way I like to think that somehow I am excluded from that list. That what I have done onto others will be forgiven or at least changed around so I won't feel the true impact. That couldn't be farther then the truth. I am sitting with reality today and I don't like it. I can't explain this. I can't even talk about it is so private. All I can say is that I am sorry. I am sorry that I was ever in a position to hurt someone. That love never ends evenly. I am truly sorry for any pain that I have ever caused anyone. I am sorry that life changes people and I made new choices. I changed. I am living every day with those changes. I am living from this moment on with honesty and authentic feelings. I am not pretending, hiding or lying. I might get hurt a million more times but I will never forget that I am a lover. I love with all my heart and soul. I love until it hurts. I love until I learn to let go. I love until I am loved. I will be fine. I believe I have put enough good karma out in the world that this sharp pain I am feeling will go away and I will be left with a small dull pain that will remind me to live honestly. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I finally had a chance to say a few words to Pastor Steve. I was able to tell him I was going to miss him and that I wished him well on his new journey. I love it when he sits down in front of me at church and we have a little chat. I know that our hearts connect and that I feel Gods love and acceptance. He told me to listen very carefully during his sermon because it was about divorce and he really wanted me to get the message. God might hate divorce and call it a sin but he would never hate me. He wouldn't want me to be hurt. I know I knew that but it sure is nice to have it confirmed out loud. I don't feel like a sinner. I don't feel like I have committed a crime. I am sure I have. I am sure I am not one of God's good kids. Still like a good parent he loves me anyway. He knows. Which could explain my dream about my dad last night. I am always so amazed when I see him in my dreams. So alive and acting just like I remember him stern, scary, and loving. My dad had an awesome affect on me. I could be so scared of him but also so happy to be around him. He really was like every emotion under the sun. He had no fear of his emotions and expressed them without regret or concern for others. He was blunt, direct and often rude. Damn that is what I loved the most about him. He was honest to a fault and so believed in God. He truly gave me his faith. It was one of his many gifts to me. I am loved! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Well it's hard not to be upset with the news. It's hard to think that someone could plan such a horrible attack on innocent people. I went to the movies by myself yesterday to see the movie TED. It was located next to the Dark Knight movie and I almost didn't go in. I sat down in my seat on the other side of the theater and checked out the exit sign and watched every single person that walked in. Trust me that is not my normal behavior. I normally don't care but I do always look around. I sat there and thought about the safety of night time and a full theater. I thought about how movies are pure entertainment. I thought about how it must have felt having no place to hide. It really bothered me but only for a few minutes. Then I got into the movie and enjoyed myself. I just wanted to say that whatever his motives were to kill. He will be punished. I will never understand it. I will always be sorry that humans can have no respect for life. I pray for the families in Colorado and all over the world. It is never easy to lose someone to violence. I am going to church today to pray for everyone! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, I am in a smooth patch today. I got up early to help out Brian and now I have the whole day to myself. I have a few chores I should do around here but I am going to ignore them so I can have a date with art. I love art and haven't been to a big art fair in a long time. This weekend is the huge Ann Arbor art fair and I am going to take myself. I couldn't get anyone to join me but I don't care. I love being alone. I find that being at peace with my decisions and who I really am are okay. I like that I can make myself happy. It's about this whole life changing event. TO get to the place were I could be true to myself. I am. I am a little bummed that the guy next door is moving out this weekend. I never got a chance to really get to know him. I am hoping that who ever moves in next is a little more social. I like talking to my neighbors. Plus with kids it's not like we are a loud bunch but we do make some noise. I suppose it is time to get moving myself! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine Louise, Did you know that after almost 6 years of friendship I just found out that my best buddy and I share the same middle name? Louise! It's so funny when you learn something new about a friend. I love that discovery part. I am so glad that it never gets old and that my gal pals still challenge me to stay fresh. Honestly, I am still learning who I am and what I like. I couldn't sleep last night and I am blaming Ice TEA! I don't know why in the summer I drink so much ice tea. I know it will keep me up but still I continue to guzzle it and then wonder why I am wired at bedtime! I am always able to fall asleep but the staying in that wonderful sleep world sometimes is not easy. I am happy that it is the weekend but sad to see my kids leave. We are going to try and see if exchanging the kids on Fridays will work better for them and be easier when school starts. It won't matter when and how we do it. Both Jackson and I need a day to adjust to it. I don't think this part will ever be unsettling. I suppose that is a good thing in a way. It allows us to appreciate what we have and to make adjustments as we go along. Life is a moving target! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals I have always been a believer in the statement that doors must close so new ones can open. I always like to end my relationships before new ones can begin. I haven't always been on top of that. I have had some overlaps that I am not really proud off. Still, I am honest about it and know that I try. I suppose in my dream world I can be anything I want. Last night I was able to fly. Just a little more like floating around from spot to spot. It was way cool. It got me thinking about my childhood and how I always had this sensation that I was leaving the floor. That my legs were off the ground and I could dance on air. I really did live in a fantasy world. I escaped into my dreams. I escaped into my mind. I left the heaviness of all the anger and danced. I am going to keep dancing until all my new doors are open! Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunshine, I wanted to take the boys to the beach today but it's raining. I will think of something else to do... I'm thinking I should take them to Detroit and go to the science museum and or something like that but I know they would just moan and groan. I really can't win with this group. Oh well...Maybe this is mother's nature way of having me relax and stay home and chill... Yeah, but I do that every day. I wanted to have some fun! Oh well...There is always tomorrow! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you ever feel heavy after you sleep? I get this incredible feeling of being in quicksand. My body feels a hundred pounds heavier. It happens to me every once and awhile. I wonder if other people experience it too? I get this way when my mind is heavy with worry. I am sure it is some part of my bipolar or depression. I am happy. I know that my worries are only temporary. I know that I am doing all I can to take care of myself. I am a little worn out on these very hot days. I love summer and told the kids last night I am not ready for them to go back to school. I like it when we can stay up late and watch a movie together. I might not have a lot of money to spend on the kids and I don't own a TV. I still know that the time we spend together watching a movie on my laptop is going to be something they remember when they get old. They will know that I was there for them. I am learning all over again what is important. I just need to take the edge off a little. I don't like being upset or frustrated. It's not cool. I am working on it. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Today I am going to practice being calm and steady. I have been a little irritated for the last few days with the kids and I don't like that. I am in a new place mentally and I can feel it. I can feel the responsibilities pilling up in my brain. I can feel the heavy weight of worry and I don't like it. I don't do well with worry. I never have. I also wonder why I am worrying about something I have under control. I mean things are going well. I think this is a much deeper and real pain. I'm still adjusting to all my changes and I will be for a long time. It's all going to be okay. I just have to be steady and calm and allow myself what I need. Slow down tiger and take it easy! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Kids and prank calls, sleep overs, and all nighters. Yes, my kids had a small party last night and they even let mom hang out. I of course had to make the popcorn! Now my small apartment is covered in a mess but I am happy and so are my kids. Isn't that what life is all about? Small messes and big smiles. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Yes, I know the truth hurts. It's still something I like to use. I am an honest person and I get myself in a lot of trouble by being honest. I am honest when I say I am not a one man women. I am honest when I say I am crazy for love. I am honest when I say I didn't pay attention to the cobra payment and you got charged again. I am honest when I look at the mirror and see my flaws. I am honest that I am doing the best I can in a new life. I am honest when I say I wish I had more income. I am honest when I say I lack ambition. I am honest and I like to live a clean life. I am honest and want to be treated well. I am honest and I have high expectations about what man I want to be with. I am honest I do get lonely. I am honest and I do like to be alone. I am always honest with me and sometimes I know that hurts. I am still doing it. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Oh to be flexible in body and spirit. To take a moment and live in it fully. I am doing the best I can. I wanted so much to take my kids to a family baseball game tonight. Jackson is refusing to go so Brian is going to watch him so I can take Savanna. I am glad. I really need to get out and see something. Plus they have fireworks after the game..,and I really want to see those! I don't like to think I am a person that uses people. I believe that every person I have met has enriched my life and given me something to think about. However, when your dating and you meet someone you have the real potential to hurt that person without you ever wanting too. I thought I could date but I can't. I thought I could be what someone wanted and I can't. I can only be myself. True to every emotion and thought I keep to myself. I am happy with that! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Just like old times I am meeting up with my gang today. I am so excited about going back to Livonia and hanging out at school. I really miss it. I even miss the reading and writing. I miss the computer lap and feeling overwhelmed. I miss the friendship more than anything else. I miss knowing I could completely be myself. I could say what was on my mind and be supported a 110%!!! I never expected to grow as much as I did and I never thought my life would be this completely different. I knew it was going to be awesome but had no idea how that was going to feel. I am so blessed by my choices. I made some really hard ones. I wanted to be happy and I made that happen. I wanted to have a career and I am making that happen. I have new clients and I know more are on the way. They will find me and I will help them. I don't know how you measure success but I am measuring it by the peace in my heart. It's a great day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Has passion ever made you feel weak? "Weakness is what passion dissolves" was a quote I was given last night by a friend. It got me thinking about being strong and resistance to falling in love.To question the motives of the heart or the resilience of the mind. I am a sucker for romance but realize I am strongly sitting in reality right now. I am not ready to ever be swiped off my feet. I think that happened for me once and I am not going to let that happen again. Now I am wondering if that is a choice or a decision I have any control over? Will I ever be able to decide if I love again? Or will it happen anyway? One thing I learned about being on a on-line dating site is that people are not who they seem. You have to meet in person and see and talk face to face to even make any kind of wise decisions. I know that much now. I am also not ever going to go on a dating site again. I would rather be alone then ever play that kind of game and it is a game. It becomes addictive and suggestive and unwise. I am a smart women. I know I have weakness and I let the passion of the moment take over my heart. It's not love it's just acting like it. I am learning the balance of my true heart and being good to me. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny friends, My membership is set to expire in 5 days. I know I need to renew it. I know that I want to keep my blog and keep my poems posted. I just don't want to part with my money. I always struggle with this decision every time it comes up. I am always happy that I have my blog. I am always excited to be apart of Writing.com. I know I am going to renew it. I am struggling with the balance of bills vs. income and my lack of it. It's a process of waiting and measuring my future against right now. In two years when I am fully licensed my life will be better. I will be able to work harder and smarter and get a bigger pay check. I am laughing at that statement and let me tell you why...Never in my life time have I ever cared about a paycheck. I swear that is true. I have always believed I would get paid what I was worth and I had other people to help me cover my bills. I have never been so independent that I had to live off my own income. I am not ashamed of that. It was my choice to be married and to have a partner. I am not going to ever count on someone else to do that for me so I have to do it now. I am good with it. It's just an adjustment and a major change of thinking. I might struggle for a couple years while I figure it all out. I won't be getting any credit cards and I am only paying cash for what I need. I will go without some entertainment or extra food this month so I can afford my blog. I am really trying to measure everything that brings me joy and everything that needs to be paid. I still don't have health insurance and will try to get that by the fall. It's a process and I am taking baby steps to figure it out! Love, Michelle |
| Hello sunshine, Have you ever been to Detroit? Have you ever seen a place that looks like a third world country? Detroit has all the images you could ever imagine. I just received an email from my brother in Georgia. He found this article about Detroit and all it's inner city troubles. I have to admit I stay away from the news. I ignore the reality of life around me if I don't like it or it doesn't directly affect me. The article is written to get you to start thinking about what kind of change is needed to help save the city and America. As if going to our government is going to get the city on the right path. I really don't believe that. I believe it starts with the people that are living there. Only thing is do you think every single person hates it enough to change? I wonder. I think you can get used to your environment. You adjust your expectations and you made due with what you have. I could be wrong but I have to believe that change starts from within. You don't expect others to change if your not willing to change yourself. You can change your thoughts first and than your actions. Peace lives inside! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny friends, Have you ever seen a movie that makes you laugh for hours afterwords? I went to go see Magic Mike and I know it's not a comedy but I am still laughing. I found the male strippers to be such wonderful eye candy but have to admit it takes a lot more to keep me interested than good looks. I need substance. I need conversation. I need to be attracted to the whole person. I agree the outside package gets the attention but if you can't hold it together once the conversation starts...It's over. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Have you ever been winked at? Have you ever experienced 15 minutes of pure courage? Have you ever had a hot flash? Have you ever been sitting someplace and could feel someone looking at you? Only to see that person look them in the eye and know they are admiring you? Let me tell ya when that moment happens...You never forget it. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Have you ever measured yourself against another human being? Have you ever looked at the other side of the fence and said "I want that" only to find out that is not so great? I think it is human nature to want what we don't currently have and our thoughts can lead us into that direction of what we want. It is the power of positive thinking but it also works in a negative way as well. We do attract our thoughts. We create our realities and it takes a brave and strong soul to make that change. To decide that I really do want THAT! I have played with those thoughts for a long time. I have come to make new goals and new dreams. I am finding my inner happiness and I am creating what I need to be living. It's awesome when you see how far you have traveled for yourself. I am not here for anyone else but me. I have to be selfish. I have to take what God gave me and make it better. I am doing it! Something new is not always better. I have this used apartment. I have old stuff. I am making it work. I am. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Nothing beats a good ol fashioned fireworks display set off by Mother Natures response! Last night was a double dose of lightening and excitement. I love fireworks and my ex went out and purchased Jackson a bunch so he could have his own display. It was fun we invited some of the friends in the neighborhood over and had a mini party. Plus some others that lived close by came over to the school parking lot and lite off a bunch more. It was amazing how loud fireworks can be! When Jackson was done he was ready to go back to my apartment with me. I am always amazed that he doesn't fight me and want to stay with dad. I love that he is finding his own balance between spending time and being were he needs to be. I feel so blessed. I do have gratitute. I do appreciate the miracles in my life. I do love fully. I am my own firework display! Love, Michelle |
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