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The place to be for positive reinforcements! |
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Hello My Sunny Pals, Welcome back to Shellyville.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Hello my sunny pals, Today is my dad's birthday. I no longer celebrate it. I just remember it. The pain has eased over the last ten years and I don't feel so bad anymore when this day comes. I know I am still loved. I know that in heaven my dad still has a connection with me. In his own kind and loving way he still guides me and is looking out for me. I feel his pride. I am sure he is a little stunned by some of my behavior but over all I know I have his support and even his understanding. He was for many years the only man in my life. My best friend and my everything. I will always be a daddy's girl and I will always look to men for answers. I will always seek the one relationship that reminds me the most like my father. I don't know why but I just am going to be honest about it. It's who I am. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, If you love sports than you have to love being downtown Detroit! I mean all the cool sports stadiums are next to each other. In every direction I looked I seen something amazing. I love the big city! I love being outside on a warm summer night and seeing so many happy people enjoying the Detroit Tigers!! Of course, I am a little spoiled. I did get into the game for free! I was my girl friends date and I have to Thank the University of Phoenix Alumni for hosting such a fun event. They provided a great meal and great seats!! Plus, my girl friend got awarded for all her community work. It was so cool to see Stefanie get the recognition she deserves. I love hanging out with her. It so funny because she is at least 20 years younger then me and I always tease her that people think I am her mom. She laughs and says no I am more like her big sister but that she is the mature one! She is! I don't know if am ever going to grow up! I don't think I have too!! Have a wonderful day! Love, Michelle ps...It's the start of the college football season GO MICHIGAN!! |
| Hello Sunshine, Happy Weekend! I hope you have great plans for a fun and exciting weekend. Enjoy the HOT weather! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sweet friends, I feel like I need a little Sparkle in my life. I need to let go of some of the darkness and let my inner light shine. I need to increase my confidence and have a little fun! I know how I am going to do that...By exploring my creativity! By letting my personality and my love of people and art shine. I have an interview tonight for a part time job that I am so excited about. It's a good day! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have to get back to the simple things in life. I have to get back to the basics. I see things spinning out of control right now and it scares me. I don't want to live in a world were I fear my emotions. I don't want to live with people that can not support me or understand my issues. I am so upset with my ex I can barely think. I don't understand how he can be so clueless about his own child. I don't get what he was honestly thinking. I am angry and hurt. I want my kids to feel secure and loved. I want them to know that I am doing the best to support them and help them out. One good week out of a hundred is not enough. I need to see some positive changes. I know they start with me. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I live with many moods but the one that scares me the most is anger. I grew up with a family that was very explosive. I was often afraid that I would get hurt. I couldn't escape the danger. Now I see my sweet and loving daughter feeling the same way. I have no words of comfort for her. I am not always here to protect her. I was gone for 15 minutes to pick up a movie for her and her girl friend and Jackson went crazy. He was angry that she had a friend over. He was angry that I wasn't home. He was angry that he has two houses. I missed the entire explosion but when Savanna called me I rushed home to find my house almost destroyed. Things knocked over and two sweet little girls scared and crying. It was a horrible scene and Jackson was screaming at me. For my own protection I grabbed a wooden spoon. I was in fight mode but something washed over me and I sat down to talk to Jackson. I think it was if all the fight left my body and I was just sad. So sad to see my son in such a horrible mental spot. He did calm down and we talked. He told me this was the first time he felt scared of himself. He was worried that he could have really hurt the girls. He cried. He told me he hates being bipolar. He told me he hates that he can't control his moods. He hates being angry. I hate that as much as I want to change this I feel helpless. I have to find some way to help us all!! Love Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have no idea what normal is anymore but I get a lot closer to it when my kids are home! It feels right to have them here. I love being a mom. I love the exchange of laughter and conversations. I love cooking meals and being close. It is the simple things in life that bring me the greatest joy. It also helps me keep grounded because the rest of the world around me can spin out of control in one phone call. I got a call last night that honestly I should not have answered but it was a local number and I felt I had to answer it. I could have let it go to voice mail and I would have saved myself some sleep. I often wonder why God is testing me. I often wonder why I am a therapist and if I have the strength to take on and help strangers. I think I do it because I know I don't have to fix anything I only have to help the client find a way to fix their own problems. I do it because I care about people. I do it because it makes me feel good. I also do it because I need an income. I do it because it is a career that picked me. I love it but it sure is challenging. It is going to rock the core of my beliefs and values. It is going to test my own sanity. It is incredible how much I keep learning about myself. I love it!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny friends, Have you ever been to Hell? In Michigan we have this little town called Hell and let me tell ya it's a fun little place! I got to visit with a new friend I met Thursday night. I told ya that paint party was a good time! I met Joey and he owns a motorcycle and I told him I wanted to go for a ride. So he offered and took me to Hell! I haven't been a passenger on a bike in over 30 years. I was 17 the last time I had the experience. I felt so young and free! It was a very hot day so the trip to Hell seemed appropriate! I actually had a great time being a biker chick and meeting new people and hanging out. I loved every second of the day. I felt relaxed and totally myself. I can't remember the last time I felt so good being out on a date. I guess because this didn't feel like your typical date. It was just a friend taking me on an adventure. It was a day of no expectations and only fun. I need a lot more fun in my life and I am thinking I might even need to go back to Hell! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, I finally figured out what I have been freaking out about. Security. I want it and need it. I need to feel safe from harm and risks. I need to feel protected from myself. I want freedom from being scared. From having high anxiety and worry. I am looking for someone to protect me. I wish this wasn't true. I wish I could feel secure on my own. I do in so many ways. I have my career and my bills all under control. I have my safe house and my loving friends and family. I have adventures and new goals. What I don't have is the security of my father or a husband. I don't have that one man that kept me grounded. I have never been on my own. I went from my dad's house to Brian's. I never lived alone. I love living alone. I love my freedom and I love my time that I have when the kids are not here. I am also a freaking basket case this week because the kids are on vacation and have not talked to me. Even when my kids are not here with me they are close by and they communicate with me. I can see them when I want and can. Not having them around this week has really reminded me how lonely life can be. I need my kids. They are the security that I am not crazy. I need to know that I am connected to something bigger and greater than myself. Maybe someday I will meet a man that will bring me more security but until then I have to find it in myself. I have to believe in my choices. I have to believe that I am safe from harm and risks. I am taking care of my needs. I am in charge of what happens in my life. I have everything I will ever need to feel secure inside. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I am an artist! I always seem to find myself in the right place at the right time. I knew my creativity had been needing a boost so when I got an email last week about a Paint and Pour party event at the art studio in town I knew I needed to sign up! I talked some girlfriends into joining me and last night we painted. It was an experience I won't soon forget. Brenda had never painted before in her life. It was like watching a kid in a candy store! All of the energy in the room was positive and fun! It was art class for adults and it was something my soul had been aching for. Our picture last night was Van Gogh's starry night over Monet's water lilies and the bridge over the mill pond in Brighton. It turned out pretty cool and with 20 different artist in the room all the pictures were the same but different. It was very original. It was the reminder I needed to start living again. I can let go of some of my stress and be happy. I am very happy today! Love, Michelle |
Hello my sunny pals, I just wrote this wonderful blog about snakes and sex and then my computer crashed and I lost it. I get so mad when that happens! My morning ritual is to write my blog and figure out my moods. To make sense of my thoughts and to put my day in perspective. I am in this strange place of feeling tested. I know God loves me! I know that I am on the right path and that my recovery is happening. I also wonder why so many temptations keep popping up. Why must I question life? Why can't I just accept that things are strange and they don't always make sense? I want and need to be content. I need to find peace in my soul. I am falling in love with a man that continues to test my boundaries of sanity. I never expected this. I never knew I could be so scared and excited at the same time. I want to trust the process of life and live in the moment. I also want to fast forward and get past this little spot of uncertainty. I don't want to get hurt but I know I have no control over that. I am opening my heart for every possibility and that scares the crap out of me! I never thought I would be truly ready to love again but I am. I told my girlfriend Tea that I didn't think he would be ready for me and her response was "Shelly, would any man ever be ready for you?" I don't think so! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, Do you ever make mistakes with your words? Do you ever get caught up in the moment and say something you probably shouldn't have? A few days ago I called Brian an Idiot in front of the kids. In fact I told them exactly that. I was upset that he purchased a play station for Jax. I didn't think he needed the gaming unit for no reason esp sense his birthday is coming up in October! In my own struggling mind I forgot that it's not nice to call your ex-husband an idiot. I was thinking even if we were married I would have said that out loud. I do use my words. I am expressive. I can't hold anything inside. I have lost my sensor that connects my brain to my words. I let my emotions rule and I get myself in trouble. Not all the time but sometimes my words have come back to haunt me. Jackson tells Brian every single thing that I do and say. He reports back to him the smallest detail. I am sure Brian is thrilled with knowing so much about his ex! I find it kind of funny until Brian calls me out on it. He has no trouble with confrontation now that we are divorced. He would have never said anything to me while we were married. He would have let it all slide. I even got called out for something that someone else said. However I got the answer I was wondering about. I told you recently that someone keeps telling me that Brian and I are going to get back together. Well...It got back to Brian that I said that we were getting back together and let me tell you he was PISSED! First of all I never told anyone that. Jackson's friend over heard me talking to his mom and came to his own conclusion on that and of course shared it with my son who couldn't wait to tell his dad! Oh man the look on Brian's face was priceless. He had this look of horror and OMG she is CRAZY! I almost felt sorry for him. I am laughing now but at the time it wasn't really that funny. I felt bad that he was mad at me. I felt bad that he thinks I am crazy and I felt bad that this is how our relationship is always going to be. Strange! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, Do you like fish? Do you like to go fishing? I can honestly say I am not a huge fan but will on occasion get talked into fishing with my gal pal Brenda. In fact she loves to take me! Last night we went on Whitmore Lake with her paddle boat and I caught a Bass! Mind you I did not touch the fish or bait the hook with those slimy green worms. No...I fish but with limited skills. I just sat back and drank my beer while Brenda does all the work. I don't know how she can do it but she loves touching the fish, unhooking them and then setting them free. I meanwhile enjoyed the scenery and the company. I love the simple things in life. I love the stillness of a lake at sunset. I love the smell of fresh water and I love salt in my beer. I love my life! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, What is the Something you are looking for? Is a touch or a feeling? Is it in another person or is it the pull inside your heart? When you have it you know. You celebrate it and you smile. Your heart rejoices and you are ready to feel pain. I am here in this place of wonder. I have arrived. Uncertain but determined to find all my joy. I wasn't looking this time. I wasn't out searching and begging for it. It happened when I had my guard down. It happened on a warm summer night and it keeps happening over and over again. I could be a hundred percent wrong but my soul is telling me I am not. My heart is telling me I am safe and my body is filled with excitement. There is something here and I am loving it! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, What makes the color of blue so magical? What makes the sky and the water connect in a perfect combination? I was able to spend the entire day on the water yesterday and it was magic. It was everything I needed. I was with my two best friends and a huge body of water. It was like floating on the sky. I don't get to do that very often so it really is a treat. It was so peaceful and fun. People who own boats are some of the luckiest people on the planet. It is an escape like none other. It is a unique feeling to be at the mercy of Mother's Natures greatest gift. Water! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I am halfway done with this month. I didn't even come close to following my goals. I blew it on the first weekend and have been sliding down hill ever sense. I guess the goals were set out for me to learn something...Yes, don't set unrealistic goals. Don't pretend to be someone you are not! I am who I am. I will make mistakes but I also learn from then. I am trying something new and like everything else it takes time to figure it out and get it right. I am happy with me and I am happy with the choices I make. I feel a little guilt over today but I will let it slide. I got asked to go boating with Sebi and he wanted me to bring the kids but they don't want to go so Brian is going to hang out with them. I am so lucky he is cool with doing that. I mean he could have said no! Recently someone said that I was going to get back with Brian. I have actually heard that from a number of sources and it actually makes me feel sad when I hear that. I think it's so funny that just because we have remained friends and we still love each other doesn't make us a good couple. I don't think we would have ever gone this far to split up and end our marriage if there was ever any hope of us getting back together. I do wonder why people think they can say that to me. I have to wonder if people really understand what divorce means. Even I have to admit I never knew what it was until now. I think you have to have gone through a divorce before you have any idea on how it will feel. And even then it is such a personal thing. Each marriage and divorce is unique sure it resembles a lot of the same emotions of loss and failure but also new beginnings and second chances. I am learning from my mistakes and taking all my second changes and new beginnings with an open heart and soul. Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sweet sunshine, Do you have a special talent? I have many... I have the talent to ignore the bs in my life. I have the talent to forgive myself. I have the talent to walk away from something that is not good for me. I have the talent to accept life on life's terms. I have the amazing talent of raising two wonderful and creative kids. Savanna and Jackson have amazing creative eyes and have recently taken up photography. Savanna saved all her babysitting money and purchased a very expensive camera. I am so proud of her. She is constantly taking random pictures and they turn out really cool. She wants to put some of her pictures on canvas. I told her that would be a great idea and now we have to find some kind of company that will do that. I want my kids to explore the arts and to see beyond the regular randomness of today. I want to fill my life up with creativity and joy. Love, Michelle |
| Hello Sunshine, I have to wonder about the pattern of things sometimes. How people can say things to me and I am suppose to absorb the meaning and make sense of it. Sometimes I am very sharp and I get it. Other times I struggle with my own definition of what it means. One of the things I have learned as a therapist that it is not my job to do anything but my job to be there and listen. Having good listening skills is a talent I never expected to have. Half the time when I was growing up I blocked out the voices around me. I was always day dreaming and not paying attention to authority. In many ways I am still like that. I am very much inside my own head. I think that is why I love being a therapist. I finally get to get outside of myself. I can take on so much more if I am not self absorbed. I love being with my clients. I love the whole exchange and I know someday my practice will be full. I will have the income to live comfortable and not worry like I am right now. Maybe someday I will move and give my kids what they want. Jackson wants more space and a yard and Savanna wants her own bedroom. I want a laundry room and a patio. I don't need anything more then what I have right now. I am very happy were I am at. I guess it never hurts to think ahead and dream big. Sometimes it hurts that I am not giving the kids everything that Brian does. He has the house and the income. He has the stable career and his own hobbies. It sucks that my kids have to divide their life up. I think we are adjusting the best we can and I do my best to make sense of it. I find it funny that the one thing that bothers Jackson the most is my job. Maybe when he goes back to school it won't be such a big issue any more. When school starts we will have far more issues to worry about then my job! Yikes. I am not ready!! Love, Michelle |
| Hello Louise, I could use some positive reinforcements. I could use some refreshment course on how to live on a reduced budget with kids. It's so hard being the cool mom with limited funds. I don't think I am the only one with this problem. I am just feeling the crunch now that we are getting close to back to school and the needs for "stuff" is starting to increase. I will find a way to do it. My parents always managed and I will as well. I know that I can do it. I have the talent and the means. Plus, it's kind of fun telling my kids no. I don't think I do that nearly enough. I am learning. It's a great day being me! Love, Michelle |
| Hello my sunny pals, I have a short fuse this week. I am not sure why my temper keeps flaring but Jackson is setting me off. I know it's normal for kids to be grumpy and tired. I know it's normal for kids to act out in frustration. I just wish I could stop myself from playing along. I can normally keep my cool but yesterday I was not able too and as a result Jackson and I got into a horrible fight. I feel horrible about it but he has already moved on. His ability to let go of his anger is amazing. It burns white hot but then it's gone. Mine will stay long after the flames have burned. I am the white coals at the bottom of the grille. I am working on understanding my anger. I know it comes from fear and that Jackson treats me with disrespect. I get that I am tired and grumpy too. I have to control my reactions. I have to remember I am the parent and I am acting out in Jackson's best interest. I can parent better. I will forgive myself and move on. It's what I do best. Love, Michelle |
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