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 |  This was my first blog, maybe my best blog...nah! The journey continues with another..!
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Check out this signature's match at Thomas  's blog** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "You want to become aware of your thoughts and choose them carefully. You are the Michelangelo of your own life; the 'David' you are sculpting is YOU!" Dr. Joe Vitale
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| When I was young I was stupid. I mean I was REALLY stupid. I lived for the moment, thought of "the future" as some misty distance, a cloudy epic that wasn't real. I reveled in angst and created it often. So it isn't any big surprise that, at 21, I got pregnant. Now that's not to say I was promiscuous-I wasn't, much to the chagrin of many young men who were fooled by my flirtatious demeaner and flighty behavior. But I WAS stupid. All that changed the second I became pregnant. My stupidity, for some reason, screeched to a halt in my brain and some long-hidden mechanism fired up, telling me that play time was over. I was now responsible for someone else, and I could screw MY life up till hell froze over, but I wasn't taking an innocent person along for the ride. As an aside, from many young mothers I've witnessed in action lately, I guess I was in the minority. Plenty of them take their infants along on their "Jerry Springer" roller coaster...but I digress. I got down to the business of childrearing with a gusto. I found someone who had the trappings of "good father"  and was actually excited at the prospect of parenthood. It was much later that I discovered his enjoyment for parenting BABIES...once they grew he was lost, but again I digress. Even as I worked non-stop to create a "Leave it to Beaver" type of life for her, I always knew it was a crap shoot. I knew where she came from. Her biological reason for existance was pretty much a loose cannon in every sense of the word. He'd been kicked out of the army for rage issues, had been in jail for drug possession. He was a walking time bomb. At the time I didn't put the title "bipolar disorder" on him, but I knew something was up that wasn't quite right. And then there's me. I knew something-not to his extent, but still-something was up with me, too. Now I know it's called "cyclothymia," a mild form of bipolar disorder. My mother has the big one, no question. She was always either the life of the party or the party's monster--no in-between. When I was pregnant I pictured the mixture of him and me and I shuddered, I really did. I knew way back then that something was going to be WAY up with her. From the time she was born my premonition was proven correct. She's always had raging temper tantrums, never outgrew them. She was a loose cannon, but I worked HARD to tighten her up! I gave her love, discipline, a father, siblings, a home...I was hoping that if I gave her enough stability, perhaps she wouldn't have to turn out like her biological father. Maybe she could bypass all the really bad stuff and come out of it without so many scars. But in my heart of hearts I knew. Even as I sacrificed and gave up so much of my own energy and strength and money and everything but the blood in my veins, I knew it wouldn't be enough. Deep down I've always known. So why did I keep trying? Because I'm stubborn, because I like to think that if I want it badly enough it'll happen. But no, nothing I did or could ever do will stop this giant, out-of-control train from its destiny. I saw her today, and it's scary. She's totally in the throes of mania--feverish eyes and a nasty mouth on her that took my breath away. I said "hi" and she sneered. I told her I love her and she said, in the most hateful tone, "I'm sure you do." I won't go into the litany, but it's bad. It's hard not to be hurt and scared by someone so-well, let's face it-nuts, but I remember that she's off meds and what comes flowing out of her mouth isn't her, it's mania. I do get MAD every now and then because, frankly, she needs to be in a residential facility where she can't bring the sort of harm to herself that she's busily inflicting. But in this day and age, we don't BELIEVE in "locking up" people who claim they're "fine," no matter what sort of evidence to the contrary exists. Because she's over 18 I can't do a damn thing to get her help against her will...she's not hurting anyone else, only herself. Besides, I also know, in that deep-down place, that if she were saved AGAIN she'd do this AGAIN...she has to hit the bottom of this nightmarish pit to ever want out of it. Now I have to get my mind around this. I have to prepare myself for the worst while still-always-hoping for the best. I have to let go of the control I've tried to have over her and the disorder and just let it go. I told her what I went there to tell her--I wrote it in my last entry--while she sneered and cursed at me in a way she hasn't since she got medicated. There's so much going on with me as a result of this. I'm aghast at how much of my life I gave over to her...I love my younger two girls and thank God they're in this world, they are amazing people...but even THEIR existance has everything to do with what I saw as a "stable family" for ELIZABETH. Damn. Now I am at some weird crossroads. I'm done trying to save my oldest daughter, and I'm certainly not "living for the moment" like I did in my youth-ICK-so now what?! Hmm, maybe there's hope for my own life experience...  |
| I try to write about other things, to make my life about other things--really I do. but tonight, once again, my oldest daughter has taken center stage. She loves to do that. This evening, while I was not home, she returned to the house, but only because-get this-she'd been at the bus terminal waiting for some guy to come from Wisconson *my head exploding here*. The bus terminal being not quite a mile from our house, she walked here when he didn't show up...my, what a surprise! *dripping with sarcasm* She didn't tell me this REAL story, of course, but in true "Liz" fashion she told her sister, who would of course pass on the tale to me. However it happened, she was here and agitated, angry, nervous...pretty much a mess. It was obvious she once again has not been taking her meds. She created the normal "bipolar manic scene" as we've dubbed it and then was determined to go back to her friend's apartment. I know it's not a good idea, I know she's not taking care of herself-in fact just the opposite-but I also know that I can't keep chasing after her. I can't keep saving her from herself at the expense of every other person in the family. Personally, I'm in a much better place than I was when she started to really lose it last year. I took what she was going through to heart and I so badly wanted to "fix it." I still wish I could fix it, but the reality is that I can't. The reality is that she has to want stability and normalcy in her life enough to do what's necessary. I gave her the rote lecture, of course, about taking her meds correctly. I gave her a list of her symptoms since she hasn't been taking them and told her if she wants to feel better, if she EVER wants a job and a life, those meds are the key. But I can't make her want it--no one can. I sit here and think about what it would be like to get "that phone call," the one no parent should ever have to receive, and the sorrow I experience can't be measured. At the same time, however, I'm not IN that vortex, anymore. I'm sure her absence from the house has something to do with it, but I'm going to try, even when she returns, to remain OUT of it. A woman whose father is bipolar once wrote that loving or being the care giver of someone with this disorder is like having "bipolar by proxy." Pretty accurate. Hard work is involved in resisting the magnetic pull of their drama and pain, but for the sanity of every single person involved, resistance is essential. And so it goes. When Liz is in this state she's capable of anything. I basically have to put her in God's hands. I'll talk to her again tomorrow, remind her that she can come home anytime-maybe even let that friend know she might want Trinity West on speedial -and step back, praying that someday Liz will want to be whole. A mother's hope springs eternal. |
*singing with a soft muttering-like thing going on* Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me... I had a very acceptable birthday  thanks to the people at WDC. Thank you for the many c-notes I received, and the THREE NEW BADGES--how sweet is that! scarlett_o_h and laurie_o sent wonderful birthday badges and zwisis sent a fantastic congrats badge-check them out-they rock! AND to repeat--I absolutely LOVED every c-note I was gifted  THANK YOU!!!I'm in a campy sort of mood so watch out--could be the late hour, could be that although I had a very nice birthday, but it WAS a bit on the "dull" side, sigh. I guess for THIS birthday I would have enjoyed a more interesting evening, but oh well. I have a fantastic daughter who spent her own money to buy me a birthday cake(ya know, Rachael the "good" middle one ) *everybody: aaaahhhhh!* And the "prodigal daughter* coerced a friend to drive her over and say a birthday "hi"...so what more could I ask?!Some night life! Since my young friend in Taiwan-darn her-skipped town, I've been pretty boring. I need some excitement, I need some strobe lights, I need some adrenaline rush! I should call kelly1202! She lives a mere 15 minutes away...what am I waiting for?! Ŧĥē Beŋ to join us surrounded by ALL our WDC friends! |
| *Psst, don't say it loud, but tomorrow's my birthday* Yup, the hands of time will once again have their way with my age. Tomorrow I will officially have completed the first year of my fourth decade of life, and I guess self-reflection and that whole "where am I in my life" scenerio has hit me a day early. In many ways this wasn't the most productive year of my life. I didn't accomplish a lot of what I wanted to, but I was also surprised by some of what I DID. As the year marched on I became more sensitive to the idea of "living every day to its fullest" and felt guilty that I don't do it enough. I get bogged down in the mundane and every day, and yes, waaay too often I was caught throwing pity parties for myself  I don't want to repeat that trend, this year. Instead of making vague resolutions on January 1st, I think I'm going to make some plans for self improvement-make a list because I'm always better when I have a list-and begin the process starting today...I want to start today, on the last day of the year I'm 40, because I think THIS day deserves as much notice as, say, New Year's Eve FIRST on my list is the elimination of "pity parties". When I catch myself in that downward spiral of "why me," I will NOT give into it! How counterproductive to the idea of "living life to the fullest"...pity parties are for squares. SECOND will be my determination to see the positive in everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I used to be good at this when I was younger and not so "weathered"...I want it back, the ability to see a situation for what it is and still realize that negative or positive is essentially up to ME. Difficult situations are a part of everyone's life experience; it's how we deal with those situations that matters. THIRD will be a return to speaking my mind. Somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking that my opinions counted for much. I became discouraged when my voiced opinions failed to have the desired affect on others or were ignored...okay, I wasn't always the most tactful with opinionated rhetoric in my youth, but here is where the flavor of age comes in handy! I have learned that there is a way to be tactful AND opinionated, at least most of the time. And it's okay if others don't agree with me. It's simply important for us ALL to be HEARD. FOURTH is a continuation of third. I will stop resting on my laurels, to use cliche` speak, and start standing up for causes that are important to me. I'm not satisfied with myself unless I feel productive...well, there's plenty going on in my brain that would keep me productive on some level for a long time, most especially having to do with children and adolescents who suffer from mental disorders and the need for a federal standard of educating them! I think adolescents, especially, get pushed aside when dealing with them is "too hard" for a school district. I know there are already statutes and laws in place that are supposed to protect the rights of any student, but surprisingly many school districts-including my daughter's-ignore them, do what they can to get around them. Yup, I have work to do.FIFTH is my pledge to get everything I can out of every single day. Life is a gift that I want to treat as such for every day that I have it.  |
| There's something to be said for peace and quiet in my home, although conversely it's also a little boring! Yup, Liz is still "playing house" with her friends, and that's okay for now. She's returned several times and is, thank God, taking her meds. I'd forgotten that the young man who is Candace's boyfriend has a father who's bipolar, so he's being very adamant with her about the meds-a load off my mind! She wasn't taking them the first time she returned, that much was very obvious, but since then she's been calm, reasonable, and actually affectionate with all of her family  I can tell that time away-from yes, especially her mother-is a good thing. With this challenging child there's always been an element of defiance in her relationship with me. I get so frustrated with what I see as an immature need to do exactly the opposite of what she thinks her mother might want; it gets ridiculous! I have wished that the way she moved out had been better, more well-planned, because the elimination of that push/pull rebellion in every decision she makes could only be helpful for her, overall. She refuses, most of the time, to acknowledge that I don't want her to do things my way, I want her to do them in a way that makes her productive and happy, and that's not always going to be "my way"...I know that, but she doesn't seem to understand my knowing. I've told her over and over that I may not "approve" of every choice she makes but it's okay, that doesn't mean she has to bend to my will...I'm not a dictator! But when I show her even the slightest hint that I may not be accepting of something she's done or some decision she's made--it's crazy. As much as she loves to defy me, she's devestated when I'm less that thrilled with her. So distance between her and I-done correctly-might be very positive for her. It would be nice if I thought this situation could last, but she still doesn't have a job and I know her friends will carry her for only so long. The main issue for Liz is her need to carry HERSELF and that's the part she doesn't "get" yet, but hopefully soon she will.Her sisters have been worried about her; those two have been through so much with Liz, but still they worry. I told them to let it go, Liz has to live her own life and so do they. The most we can do is be here when she needs us, and we know she will. I told them to enjoy the peace and quiet while we have it! And we do, but occasionally we look furtively at each other because even with Liz's yelling and erratic ways, she's a member of our family and we miss her. We're sick puppies. |
| Football, football, and-oh yes-FOOTBALL! That's been my weekend and I feel like I was out on the field, hiking the ball and dodging tackles.  Friday night was a high school football game; the meat of THIS day has been spent at two middle school games. In Moline there are two middle schools that bleed into the high school when our lovely children become freshman, and today was the GRAND face-off between those two middle schools. A big deal is made out of this meeting--it's held at the high school stadium with much fanfare. Since my 7th grade cheerleader bounced around for both the 7th AND 8th grade games, I was relegated to sit in the bleachers (in 30-40 degree weather, mind you) for the first one and serve candy and pop for the second. It's on days like this that I know I never properly appreciated what my own mother did for ME A sobering issue, however, has to do with a local high school player from one of our Quad Cities, Rock Island. On September 22nd, while playing in a game against another local high school, he landed from a tackle in just such a way that his 4th vertabrae snapped. He has since been paralyzed from the neck down. Every school in the area, from both the Illinois and Iowa side of the Mississippi River, has been collecting donations and sending good wishes to the player and his family. Yesterday he was moved to a long-term care facility; when I read that news in a local paper I cried. He's so young, the age of my own daughter, and now his life has been altered forever. I kept thinking the paralysis had to be temporary, that he'd "snap out of it" and get into rehabilitation and be all right. That's not going to happen. I also think about the poor kid who tackled him, never intending such a devestating result. How does he deal with what must be constant, punishing guilt? How do both high school teams-all our high school teams-continue to tackle each other and focus on a spherical brown bit of plastic? I love football and I know this boy's injury is a freak accident, not one likely to be repeated very often, but I'm sure that's cold comfort to his mother. My young daughter was raised up by her cheerleading teammates today and the lady behind me gasped. "I'm not sure I'd let my child do that," she said. "They learn how to fall," I responded. "They have spent hours practicing." I could tell Sarah that she can't be the one on top. I could keep her at home and "protect" her from any possible bad outcome, but would that be much of a life? I guess we take our chances, all of us, when we cross the street, get behind the wheel of our car, or put on a football helmet. But I still get teary when I picture that teenage boy on his stretcher, the breathing machine cumbersome behind it, being rolled into the ambulance for his trip to the long-term care facility. |
| A few nights ago I had to put my foot down with Liz. She's been talking on the phone about innapropriate things and using innapropriate language in a voice that the people in the cemetary across the street can hear! I have a 12-yr-old to think about, not to mention my own personal standards to consider. I've let her "slide" in this area for far too long, so I called her into the living room and told her that bipolar or not, she couldn't play nasty music, talk about nasty things, or use questionable morals while she lives here. Within an hour she'd called a friend who recently moved out of her parents' house into an apartment and announced that she was going to live with HER Now my daughter doesn't have a job so no income...great idea! I've known the girl she's moving in with for years, so at least I know she'll have a roof over her head, and I handed her her meds and told her to take them...I know she won't. I've spent the last couple of days in a depressed fog, agonizing over what's going to happen to her; I know it won't be pretty. But I also know that I can't keep "saving" her. She's closer to 19 than 18 and simply has to learn on her own, I know that in my head, but my heart is having problems. A very good friend of mine also helped me by pointing out that Liz, whether she was bipolar or not, is not the type of person who learns by listening, she has to learn by doing. I know I know. It was amusing; she came by earlier today and wanted money. I told her-very calmly, I'm so proud of myself-that this seat-of-the-pants living arrangement was not sanctioned by her parents. It would be different, I told her, if we'd talked about it, if she had a job, if she were still going to school (she's not). But as it stands, she's on her own. It's what you want, I told her, so it's what you ARE. She actually stomped her foot and asked how she's supposed to buy hair dye. Snort!! I could also tell she hasn't been taking her meds. Her friend was with her and I told Candace (the friend) that if she doesn't take those meds she'll be up for days, she'll start acting more erratic than ever, and since she's living with Candace it's Candace who will pay. The girl nodded solemnly at me but of course won't mention the meds to Liz. Hey, I did what I could. Before Liz left I told her that when she's ready she can always come home, but house rules will apply. She said, "that's why I'm not coming home," and left. Gee, the stuff you never know when you look at that cute little wrinkled face in the hospital. |
Hmm, I'm starting to wonder if I offended people with my last entry, considering the "crickets chirping" response to it. That certainly wasn't my intention! Maybe I come off like a "know-it-all" or something which I am by no means, believe me The tidbits about teenagers I shared are simply what I've learned as a parent of teenagers, myself, and in observing the students I taught. I don't pretend to have all the answers by any stretch. If I did my oldest daughter wouldn't be struggling like she is, and she wouldn't be testing the boundries of my own moral codes to such a degree that I've told her to stop or find another place to live  I do have a 12-yr-old to think about, and compromising my own values by letting her get away with questionable behavior-bipolar or not-just isn't something I'm able to do. I question every single decision I make about her and about my other kids, too. Who knows if doing things different would be better? No crystal balls in my world, darn it!!But enough about that. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I want to "showcase" the memoirs that earned an Honorable Mention in my memoirs contest. I've done that with a few, so today I'll promote a few more! The first one I want to recommend comes from a blog friend that many of us know and love  . She never fails to provide an interesting blog entry--although I've been lax in visiting her corner of Blogville lately, please excuse me I LOVE this memoir of hers because its basic theme has to do with making lemonade out of lemons, something we all need to be prodded to do once in a while.
Read this if you want to first feel empathy, then smile, then giggle, and finally leave the story shaking your head at the author's resourcefulness and ability to bounce back from calamities This next memoir is a wonderful memory of Thanksgivings past. I was smiling throughout the story and finished it with a warm feeling, remembering similar experiences of my own. Written by another Blogville favorite:
Both of these are great examples of how a memoir should be written; the theme of a memoir can be anything from a horrible catastrophic event in your life to something seemingly insignificant but with a lesson or moral attached, or it can be a simple nostalgic memory. The key to really good memoir writing is that it reads like a story, feels like a story, and leaves the reader with some added knowledge about the person who wrote it. AND it's okay to use something like, for example, a song from the era in which the memory occurred to give readers a more clear picture of the time frame, even if you don't remember listening to that particular song at that particulare time. It's called "poetic license" and it's not lying. If I wrote, word for word, about my days or certain memories it just wouldn't be very entertaining. Real life tends to be not that exciting; it's actually advisable to "spice up" actual events, but of course not to the degree of actually creating falsehoods. It wouldn't be advisable, for instance, to claim that people were there during this memory who actually weren't. It wouldn't be okay to invent a chain of events and call the story a memoir...that is called fiction. If a writer creates events around a real occurance he or she could note that the story is based on actual happenings. Which is, of course, what James Frey and his publishers should have done Well, I went off on a tangent today! I did notice, though, that once again we have some great Blogville members writing some wonderful memoir-like memories in their blogs. Consider writing a set of memoirs--if nothing else you'll have something profound to pass on to your family that they'll treasure. Even the more difficult, less "fun" memories deserve to be preserved. Maybe especially those. |
| Many comments for my last entry got me thinking, especially Ŧĥē Beŋ 's. I started to think about my own kids and their school experiences, the students I've taught...and all the teenagers yet to be. I have to wonder where Liz would be if I'd never tried to find out why she acts the way she does. She was so out of control in middle school; if I'd listened to her father and his family, teachers, and some counselors, I'd have "come down harder on her" and been extremely punitive in my reactions to her moods and behavior, and I was tempted, wondering if my parenting skills-or lack-were to blame for her wild ways...but I didn't. I listened to my gut which told me something was up, it wasn't just that she was a "bad" kid! It could have gone another way. What if I hadn't listened to her and instead listened to all the others who told me she was just being "bad"? I shudder to think what could have become of her at that point. My daughter Rachael...truly a fabulous young woman! She makes straight As, is active on the speech team, plays the clarinet in band and is in choir. She doesn't go out much. I became concerned about her social well-being when she was in middle school. She seemed to retreat into herself more and more; I wondered if she had trouble getting along with other kids, although I couldn't imagine it. Rachael is personable, likable, always smiling. But I did ask, subtly, what they thought of Rachael. Seriously, even though I was her mother, they would look surprised and say something like, "Rachael? Oh she's great! She's really nice and funny!" Ookay, so it wasn't that she was disliked. I tried asking directly but that didn't get me anywhere--you know how closed-mouths teenagers can be, sigh. So I talked here and there, prodded when I could and basically came to several conclusions. Rachael is a girl who likes to talk about more than boys, makeup, and hair. She is most happy when she can talk about books-get this, she's really into Shakespeare right now-and current events. There aren't too many kids her age who are willing to converse the way she wants to, and so she chooses her friends carefully. But, too, is the fact that she moved schools eight times in ten years. With every move she became less bubbly, less willing to put herself "out there" and take a chance on creating a friendship that was destined not to last. And there's the simple fact that she's watched her sister make cosmic social blunders on a regular basis, and when she's in the vicinity she gets hit with the fallout. Who wouldn't prefer to stay home and read?! I do push her to get out and spend time with her friends; she grumbles, but that's okay, because when she does I know she IS a "typical teenager" And the kids I've taught...there are, of course, a plethera of stories in them. Lots of them come from one-parent homes, and there's SO nothing wrong with that (being from a one-parent home myself I should know!) Some of them came from affluent homes, some from families in need. The common denominator in all of them was simple: they just wanted an adult who would listen, and talk to them, and treat them like they were interesting people. In this way there were no social lines. I saw the same need in jocks, preps, cowboys, loners, outcasts...all of them. "Just listen to me," their eyes said, "and I'll respect you in return." There were no exceptions, even amongst "the troublemakers." Don't let the moniker of a group of teenagers fool you. They really are just kids who need what all kids do--love, a listening ear, and some discipline thrown in . It doesn't matter what their "uniform of choice" becomes when they're in middle and high school. What's important is that they feel secure, loved, and HEARD. For everyone who has yet to experience those "turbulent teen years": DON'T think your job is done because your kid can fix breakfast for himself. Listen to your teenager even when you don't feel like it. HEAR his stories about friends and classes, and if you have to, learn to drag it out of him! Ignore the eye rolls and tapping feet when you speak, they really ARE hearing YOU. In the end, the morals you've taught him will be what stick. He may try a few you'll hate, but he really will return to what he knows works best. Pick your battles carefully. Don't make a huge honkin' deal out of what he wears; save the wars of words for the real stuff like sex and drugs. Let him know where you stand. And never, ever let your teenager forget how much he's loved. His teenagers years will be easier if he's told over and over again. You may think it's self evident and he should "know," but he doesn't always. Make sure he does. |
| Sheesh Right after my last entry, I had another "internet interruption." I haven't had the opportunity to visit in Blogville as a result, but it's on my list of "things to do!" You'd think paying this much for internet cable would ensure proper connection, or am I just being picky?! Anywho, I believe I mentioned in an earlier entry that my twelve-yr-old is now a seventh grade cheerleader. Of course as her mother I have attended all the 7th grade football games, not that big a deal for me since I do enjoy the game. This age is sort of peculiar, though, and you'll never find more testament to that fact than on a football field full of twelve and thirteen-yr-olds. Some of them tower over their own coaches and some of them are shorter than a few third graders I know  Our 7th grade team is undefeated; the quarterback is a really little guy who knows how to throw what weight he has around! You can hear him calling to his players from the sidelines, and can that small fry hustle! He's seldom "sacked" because he's so quick. These boys won their last game through sheer will power--the other team was HUGE, even by adult standards! But that scenerio wasn't where I was going...once again I digressed While the game was continuing a gang of middle schoolers congregated near the cheerleaders, which was where I was seated. I watched these kids with interest, smiling slightly at their gawky awkwardness, remembering my other kids and their friends at a similar age. Already, in the 7th grade, I could see social lines being drawn. Just months ago all these kids were together in elementary school, and for the most part they mingled together and were friends due to proximity. Most of them attended that same elementary school from kindergarten upwards, and so friendships had been formed as a result. But now it's different. Now there are the kids, standing on the outskirts of the others, who will continue to remain on the outskirts. Most of them aren't into sports, they're not that into academics, and alot of them are still "new," having become a part of the school district in the last few years. They've already begun to reflect their "outcast" status with clothing...black pants, chains for belts, lots of makeup for the girls. And the burgeoning chip-on-shoulder that's a prerequisite of the group. Then there were the "popular" kids, or preps as they're called now...the ones with last names recognizable to any Moline native. They're crisply dressed in Abercrombie or Nike garb, hair styled just so. They talk amongst each other with an easy confidence, smiling and laughing as much as the outcasts look upon them solemnly. The jocks, of course, were busy playing football, but their presence was palpable from the sidelines. There was a lot of yelling, butt-slapping, and proud fathers who were as pumped as their boys. But sometime during the game, these burgeoning teenagers forgot what they were. Perhaps it was a smile across social lines, a giggle and grab for someone's treasured hat, but before too long, the 7th graders intermingled and became, well, children. They started to chase after each other, yell across the expanse of yard, and play together as they had for years previously. I watched them with a smile, feeling misty for a moment, because I knew it wouldn't last. By next year they'll never forget who they're "supposed" to be and cross those social lines. By next year elementary school and recess will be nothing but a distant memory and social lines will become thicker than concrete. But on a Tuesday in Early October, they remembered that they were children. |
| I'm tired Who said this freelance writing thing was easy?! Oh, no one. I spent the morning finding the facility where I had to interview someone (who wants to drive in downtown Davenport at 11:00am? NOT ME!) and the rest of the day writing the article that was due today. Okay sure, I engaged in the procrastination thing but it IS completed and I DID e-mail it to the people who are supposed to receive it, so SUCCESS! I hope it passes muster and is published in November *pacing restlessly in my head* And I solemnly swear to never put myself through the wringer of procrastination again *fingers crossed behind back*Don't we have the nicest individuals here at WDC? I have recently been the recipient of some unexpected surprises: ![Merit Badge in Appreciation
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For always sharing your wisdom and experience of raising a bi-polar child with me, a person who is just beginning the journey. Your help has been so very much appreciated! Thank You!](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Appreciation-1985.gif) This from my buddy laurie_o! What a good friend And if THAT weren't enough, I also received:![Merit Badge in Mentor
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In recognition of all of the work that you do, through sharing your own life lessons and insights.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Mentor-500.gif) from my friend Rainbowapple ! WOW, my heart grew THREE sizes that day Seriously, what good friends to gift me in such a way...I often don't feel worthy of such kind gestures, but it does inspire me to do the work towards deserving them more. I have a plan to go for some Blog visits very soon, but for now I must rest my weary brain...coming up with 1100 words about a local business-even something as noble as a hospice-isn't as easy as it sounds Nap time for me! |
| Don't you wonder how much is spent on these "enlightening studies" that give us information most people of average intelligence can say "well, duh" to? The newest study I heard about had something to do with weight gain before pregnancy being a "bad" thing. The Today show featured it a few days ago and I just saw the same information on a website. Well great, I think to myself when I hear the first strains of "weight gain is determined to be bad for pregnancy..." Another reason to bash overweight women, as if society needed another reason We're not even talking "obese" here; the study claims that women who aren't even considered overweight could be "at risk" if they gain as little as seven pounds before they get pregnant...I'm sorry, my eyes are rolling into my head. Could it be that it's not so much the WEIGHT at issue but the level of fitness?!? I've probably been "clinically" overweight for the birth of each child I had and I can honestly admit that the third was the hardest. YES I was more overweight with my last one, but I was also older and waaay less physically fit. I believe the last issue to be the ONE which made my last childbirth experience "less pleasant" to be tongue-in-cheek  But seriously, I was twenty-two years old and in the ARMY with the first one, not too long out of basic training, and after her birth I was ready for the next one! So many factors go into the reason for my ability to bounce back quickly from childbirth, but the glaring one is how PHYSICALLY FIT I was!! I had a friend who was such a sweet person; she was my oldest daughter's first babysitter, a natural with children. She was a born nurturer and she would have given a limb to have a child of her own. Unfortunately she was disappointed with miscarriage after miscarriage, and the most devestating doctor's appointment she ever had was with a "lovely" gynecologist who told her that the miscarriages were her fault. He told her if she'd just lose weight-she was technically "obese" but certainly wasn't "grotesquely" so-she could carry a baby to term. He said this with a sneer. She went to bed for three days in a dark room. I was so livid at that doctor I could have done serious damage to his ability to father children  Why do people say such horrifically rude things to people?! Is it a proven fact that extra weight sometimes creates problems for women who want to become pregnant or give birth? YES. But it was obvious that something more was going on with my friend's body than just her weight, and for that doctor to be so nasty, so unfeeling...as if my friend's weight issue gave him the right to treat her with less than respect!!! And that's my problem with studies like this. It seems to give people some sort of right to point and say, "aha!" at women who have reproductive problems..."if only you were stick-thin you wouldn't have these problems!" That's a fallacy, for one, and another excuse for women to be criticized for their body structures. I believe it would be far more productive to advise women who want to become pregnant that they need to be physically active. Being healthy-whether one carries a few extra pounds or not-means exercising and eating the right kinds of foods. I really think the focus should be on HEALTH, not WEIGHT, for everyone, not just perspective mothers. It's a DUH |
| I know I've written more than a little in my little blog about Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, the conditions from which my oldest daughter suffers. Of course I have well-versed myself as a result of my need to understand my daughter and her erratic behavior. As an aside, last night we had an "altercation" because she used that venomous tone with me that I really haven't heard for months; I must say it did help me to understand what the drugs have done for her in regards to stablilizing her mood. The night before she'd forgotten to take her meds and OOPS, we all suffered She "lost it" and threw a cup, hit me in the mouth and I have a cut lip, sigh. But to her credit she feels horrible, something she wouldn't have even acknowledged a few months ago. She winces every time she looks at me, and last night after "the incident" (don't worry, the computer and phone were off-limits after that for the rest of the night-even with her disorder as an excuse she can't get away with something like that) she told me, while she was shaking, that she was taking a walk to calm herself down before she did anything else stupid. Progress!! Believe me, with a kid like Liz you grab at the straws. So she walked for about an hour and came home feeling better, and she went calmly to bed. Whew, I just keep thinking about what we'd all be dealing with-her included-if it weren't for the medicine she takes to control her brain chemistry. I'd forgotten what it was like, something I never thought I could do! The kid has been through hell this summer. She was on lithium which made her constantly hungry and thirsty, and she also broke out into terrible acne all over, her face included. Her weight ballooned, going up six sizes in about four months, and for someone who's always been pretty proud of her looks it was devestating. She dealt with it, though, and kept taking her meds despite the side effects; I consider that to be pretty classy and smart. She was just so hypo-manic for so long that it took lithium to kick it. Even her phsyciatrist felt bad when he put her on it, but what else could we do? Last month she asked him if she could get off lithium and onto something else and he agreed, albeit cautiously. Now we're waiting to see how the new med works. It's called "lamictal" and has to be started very, very slowly because of ITS side effects, the most significant being a terrible skin rash that has hospitalized some people. That's probably why missing one dose of her meds affected her so significantly. But I have digressed, what's new . My point, buried in here somewhere, is that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't the only mental conditions that challenge those affected and their families. Mental illness is never simple, never easy, and always a challenge for sufferers, loved ones, doctors, and researchers who work tirelessly to discover more and better ways to help. I was gifted with two personal memoirs-in my contest-from writers on this site who struggle daily with their own mental conditions. They are obviously intelligent, talented people who want to provide just a little insight into what happens inside their brains when their wires cross and the chemistry inside their brains isn't balanced...it's amazing what can happen to us when every little cell or conduit isn't in the right place at the right time--boggles the mind when you think about it The first story is identifiable for me as the mother; I've been in this position of calming my child more than a little. Please read these very telling pieces from these very good writers. You will come away from them with more understanding than you had before.
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| Brain freeze. Can anyone else identify with this condition? I'm not talking about what happens when one gulps a slurpee too fast. I'm talking about laundry, dishes, vacuuming, taxi servicing, pet grooming, cooking, more dishes...and that's my life *snooooore* Seriously, I need to get my life back!! I'm happiest when I'm busiest; right now I am NOT happy I've applied to several other school districts and I know I have to sit back and wait, but I'm not very good at that. To clarify the situation of my speech coaching job: It was a part time position and I was hired with the "understanding" that if any full-fledged teacher-with a four-year degree-wanted my position, I would be out. I don't think it's a good policy and other school districts in this area aren't like that, thankfully. A couple of years ago, the union for support staff of the school went on strike to attempt to get more protection for those in my position, along with other grievances as well, but obviously it didn't work. What really galled me was the speech teacher's ambiguity about me helping with the team in any way. My middle daughter is still a part of it, so I'm still a team parent. He made a few comments about me starting a booster club of sorts if I still wanted to, but I could tell I wouldn't have his support, much like I didn't have his support last year and I just can't go through that again, especially as a volunteer! I am finally freelance writing for a local magazine, yay! It's not a big one or anything, but I'll have published clips to send out with other articles or pitches to bigger mags, so this is a good thing. I have my first assignment and others for the next few months-one a month-at least I'll have more to do than clean up after the slovenly people I've "raised" and pick my nose...sorry for the last one, heh heh. I know I've mentioned it before (sarcasm aimed at myself) but I spent the spring and summer focusing on my oldest daughter, getting her through a tough emotional/mental time for her, and I put finishing college on a back burner. I'm also frustrated by THAT. I can't return until I get a job, unfortunately, and I'm a strange person because I LOVE school! I always have, although I didn't admit it when I was younger, of course. I also allowed too much of my social life to interfere with it, something I regret more than anything else. It's especially tough to watch other young people-my own daughter included-take the same path I did and know they're going to regret it just as much. But what is it "they" say...every generation has to re-invent the wheel. Even now Liz will admit that I was "right" about something I said to her a year or two ago...but still she won't listen when I tell her something NOW KIDS!! And there might be another project for me to busy myself with soon, an idea that "came" to me from a friend . If it comes to fruition you all will be among the first to know! For this moment I ward off the dreaded Brain Freeze and hope I don't start drooling into my denture cup before my time. And did you ever notice that being bored and/or inactive breeds more of the same? It's like a virus  Okay okay, maybe I should activate myself around this site, do some writing... |
| In the immortal words of TV's Roseanne, I've been fired by Opie. Sigh. Okay, maybe not OPIE, but someone younger than me who I really want to kick in the shins That speech teacher from last year, the one I didn't get along with so well, found another teacher willing to coach the speech team with him and he informed me today that my services are no longer necessary. Bummer.He didn't even inform ME before he told the students...I'm thinking so not professional and it really ticked me off in so many ways. I had students coming up to me last Monday, asking me why I'm not coaching this year when I didn't talk to him until today--and I sought HIM out, not the other way around. I could tell he was avoiding me, but ya know, what really sucks is that I can't tell him what I really want to, how hurtful and rude he was to avoid me first and tell all the students I wouldn't be coaching before he told me!! But you see, I need his reference to get another job...God, talk about choking on a smile. I have to make this huge pretense of not thoroughly disliking him--I've never been good at hiding how I feel, so this should be good grown-up practice. How often do we have to force ourselves to smile and make friendly when we'd rather-um-kick 'em in the shins?! I have thought ad nauseum about why this person and myself just never could find "common ground." When I see him in action with students I'm satisfied-he'll be a fine teacher with a few more years under his belt. But our philosophies about the coaching the speech team were certainly different; I've worked with others who don't believe exactly the way I do, but I usually can find something to respect and/or like about them. I tried with this teacher, I really did, but for some reason we never clicked. That's a weird sensation for me. There aren't many people I can't find likeable on some level. But unfortunately he is one of the few. So onward and upward. I've already applied to other school districts, so with me luck. The positions are full time, which I really need anyway as opposed to my part time coaching job. But I sure will miss those kids |
| Whether I like it or not, being a parent means that someone looks to me for examples every single day. I don't always like it. I sometimes wonder if teachers and others who spend extended time with young people realize just how much influence they have. Too many, I think, become jaded by "failures" or the "attitudes" of the kids they teach or care for, and they cease to comprehend their impact. I can remember negative experiences at the hands of teachers and care givers just as clearly as I can the positive ones, and too many negatives bind themselves into us when we're young. My oldest daughter, when she was trying to get back into high school last year, will never forget the coach who walked away from her muttering, "you'll fail just like you always do." That one offhand comment will stay with her forever. He was probably just frustrated by the day or many disruptive students or whatever, and seeing Liz in his class, the one who skipped all the time and could be disruptive at times, made him frustrated. But what he did with one half-second statement was set her up to fail. Did he mean to? Of course not, but that's why parents or any adult who spends time with young people have to be careful of what we say or imply. Even when I'm not caring for my own kids I'm often "the influence" over others. I assistant coach speech and debate, I work with kids at my church, and no matter what anyone thinks of "today's kids," they WANT and look for role models among the adults in their lives. The problem is with how few they find. I see even the teenagers I work with long for approval, even when the more challenging ones engage in behavior that's less than good--much less. They're often crushed when met with disapproval and/or censure, and quite often "problem kids" are the ones who long ago stopped trying to "measure up" because expectations placed on them were impossible to meet, so why try? But still they long for something positive from someone and never stop hoping, although more often than not their hopes are dashed. By "example" I don't even mean actions as much as words. Can we adults always be perfect and never screw up by saying something negative to a kid? Of course not--perfect adults would mean perfect kids, and we know THAT'S never going to happen! But I think it IS important to remember that what we say, do, and ARE matters to the kids we come into contact with. Even "the baddest of the bad" need someone to look up to, someone who cares enough to pat them on the back and say, "I believe in you." Someone who will listen without judgement...pretty much the same kind of thing we want for ourselves! Is it our job to discipline? Oh definitely, but the word "discipline" doesn't always mean something negative. It can also be something positive; rewards AREN'T necessarely bribes and aren't bad...even adults perform better for rewards! So I will continue to work on myself as an "example"...to remember to praise more than criticize and reward more than punish. I know it works because I've witnessed the results in my own kids and in the ones I teach...but habits can be hard to break. My first reaction when a young person steps out of line is to raise my voice, but I also know from experience that it seldom does any good. I'm a work-in-progress as an "example"...and yes, when I screw up, which I have been known to do, I admit it and ask for understanding. I usually get it. OH YES, I promised to showcase a story or two from my "memoirs" contest! The following is an extremely moving tale about a young man taken too soon: I consider it a reminder to treasure everyone we hold dear to us; we never know what the future dictates. |
| HELLO! This time I have experienced a protracted absence from Blogville due to the needs of the contest I invented and then needed to judge...the contest has finally reached its conclusion with some of the results thus: 1st:
All of these memoirs are worthy of some time; read them if you'd like to be impressed by the wealth of talent we have on WDC There are also honorable mentions from the contest that deserve attention, as well. I was overwhelmed by so many fantastic entries and plan to showcase one or two with each blog entry for the next week or so.A HUGE debt of gratitude is sent forth to the person who gifted me with renewed membership I'm a procrastinator by nature (I think I've mentioned it once or twice) and planned to get it taken care of, but the gift really couldn't have come at a better time! With car payments and car insurance eating me alive, this gift was a welcome respite, so THANK YOU!!! Now I plan to catch up with all of my backlogged e-mails and the blogs I haven't allowed myself to visit until the contest results were complete...if I haven't responded to an e-mail or commented in a blog, well now you know why. It was my pledge to send a comprehensive review to every entry I had in the "memoirs" contest--whew!! It's good to be back...again |
| Wow, who knew I'd be taking yet another extended break from my home away from home??? Not me. The computer is still having problems even after we got it back. A new one is really our only option, but for now I am writing on a half working laptop. Some of the keys don't work so I'm forced to mouse click those letters from the on-screen keyboard. Annoying? If you haven't done it you have no idea!! I'm so sad that this computer issue happened right when I'd taken the plunge and sponsored a blasted contest!!! I feel so guilty about that and nothing anyone says will assuage my guilt until I have that all taken care of; my big plan is to post results later on tonight, bigsigh, but I know now all about my best-laid plans...lately they don't pan out. I've read all the entries and this decision sure didn't come easy...too much talent out there, ha ha! And memoirs are tricky; some are heart-wrenching, some are funny. Some are very thought-provoking and gave me some much-needed self awareness about my own experiences--truly some wonderful writing. This hiatus from w.com sure has cemented, for me, the bond I share with you all and how much I miss it when it's gone. I've been busy carting my kids around and applying for jobs, so I haven't even had time to stop into my local library and write a quick entry, and how I have missed it! As the days progress I begin to think about something and my first reaction is, "that would make a great blog topic!" Sigh. Since school has started up again my kids need this ridiculous half working laptop for writing and I haven't had an opportunity....well, I guess I could have FORCED an opportunity but I was truly bummed by my dead computer and just feeling a general malaise; the "blahs" took over for about a week. My blahs have been far too prevalent this summer, and finally I took out that old Dr. Phil book I bought four years ago, the one that jump started my return to college and a journey back to me after years of putting myself on a back burner for the sake of motherhood and "homemaking." I'm not a person who is content or happy at home too much. Some women (and men) ARE and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. I'm just not one of them. Since I took this last summer essentially off to help my oldest kid get back on her feet, I've sunk into the same discontent I had back then. Once again I felt lost, so the time was right to revisit that book. "Self Matters." As I re-read it I was startled into awareness...no wonder I've been feeling like a shell, I haven't been true to myself or "authentic" for some time. I think it mostly began internally when Liz went into the hospital in February. No matter how much I externally told myself that I wasn't to blame for her problems, internally I didn't believe it. I stopped being me because I felt that my parenting style and/or personality-I'm take-charge and a disciplinarian-had caused intensity of her problems. Did I make mistakes? Without a doubt-being human dictates that I did. Could being someone different, meeker, less in-charge and more forgiving of her have somehow altered Liz's experiences? Maybe, but probably not. I knew all those things but there was a negative niggle that overtook me, made me second-guess myself, and gradually it began to alter my perceptions. I stopped demanding anything of Liz, my other kids, or myself. And I was miserable because that is just not who I am, nor will it ever be. So I'm back to being "authentic" and I'm embracing my bossy side! It's an essential part of ME and I believe my kids are relieved...that meek person who wasn't talking much this summer was kind of scary, I'll bet. Yup, never try to change the core of who you are. It never works and will basically turn you into a basket case, take if from one who's been there. If I make mistakes, so be it. If I get too bossy the kids will let me know, anyway, I should have remembered that. And as for Liz...well, I've written it before and now I have to live it...she has to own her own life, her own choices, her own path. I'll be a part of it, but I certainly can't DO it. She's taking college classes and is not so desperate anymore to run around with a questionable crowd. She's making progress, no matter how small, and the best part of this last month is that it's HER progress, not mine. She made the decision to go to school and she's also applying to work at vet clinics as a helper...her choices, not mine or anyone elses. Ah, it's good to be back, reallly TRULY back. |
| HI and I apologize for the protracted absense. My computer, about two hours after I wrote the last entry, crashed spectacularly. I took it into a computer repair store only two blocks away from me, but still I felt the separation intensely I kept meaning to get to a library and post at least a quick message to let everyone know I'm still alive and breathing, just without computer access at home, but the plan never saw fruition, heh heh. Every time I thought I could get there something stepped in the way! It was quite frustrating I must tell you. I haven't even slogged through all my backed-up e-mail yet; I wanted to post a quick entry to let you all know what's been happening in my neck of the woods, as Al Roker would say. I'll get to all the e-mails soon, I promise, but my first order of business HAS to be the contest I have a responsibility to!!! I solemnly promise all of you who entered a steady stream of reviews and a conclusion-finally-by the end of this weekend What a mess this month has been for me!!!!My oldest daughter is taking some college classes at the community college in addition to getting job training from Transitions, the program I found for her last month. My other two kids are back in school as of today and YAY!!! Summer lasts too long, I hope that in the near future most schools go to the year-round idea...there is still a summer vacation for kids in those schools, but not long enough for the "I'm bored" mantra I've been listening to for the last month. I actually received an offer to write for a local magazine but didn't see the e-mail until today when it was sent LAST Friday-oops and bigsigh. I responded and now have to keep my fingers crossed that I'm not too late. I could rant and rip my clothing (very attractive picture) and yowl "why me" but I won't. It's great that I got the offer and if it's meant to be it will be--she said philosophically. I'm also hunting for a job, preferrably at night, reminiscint of the night job I had a year and a half ago. I worked for a hotel as the night clerk and I want to do it again...I quit when my oldest daughter's "issues" and trying to keep up with my day job (high school assistant speech coach) AND complete college classes just became too much, but if I want to complete my college education I really HAVE to get another job, so fingers crossed that I'll get one very soon. The night hotel job at least gives me time to write, time that I miss. It also gives me some time to myself that I REALLY miss!! So there you have an update in a small nutshell...I'll be visiting you all in Blogville as soon as I have the contest under wraps and respond to all the e-mails...thanks in advance for what I know are probably some pretty concerned inquiries about where I've been and I'm sorry I didn't find the time to let you all know sooner...I'm glad to be back |
| I want to apologize to all who entered the memoirs contest I sponsored and am judging...YES I will have the results complete by Thursday (tomorrow). I've had some difficulties getting on the internet which has greatly slowed the process It's hard to judge when you can't read the submissions! But all is back online now so expect a review BY tomorrow, promise. It seems like my internet connection just KNOWS when I need to get on the worst and chooses those times to drive me insane I know what it's like to be awaiting word about a contest and hear nothing but the song of crickets...it's irritating. I was so assured, going into this endeavor, that I wouldn't be one of "those" judges who would leave her entrants "high and dry." Oops, heh heh. What is it they say about the best laid plans? Don't get too confident, says this experience to me, because you never know what happens to derail a well-meaning contest judge I also want to thank kelly1202 for offering to help me judge! She's so helpful and always willing to lend a hand wherever it's needed; what a great person So off I go to do what should have been done LAST week and have some fun mixed in with some really difficult decision-making. Later! |
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