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 |  My life in a nutshell. |
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In here you will find many things that may shock and amaze you. There are other things you may find that will knock your socks off. All in all I am sure you will get something out of this. Damiana |
| Yes, I realize I haven't written in a while; but things are pretty shitty for me right now. My depression has hit an all time high. I don't care about much these days. That's why I am rarely here. I finally got Corey to move out which should have been a blessing; however it turned into a nightmare. Due to Eric's behavior and his physical aggression, he and his sister Shania are living with Corey. This is a temporary arrangement but is is killing me to be without them. Prior to this things at home were awful. Corey was pissed at me because I rejected his advances so he started putting me down in front of the kids. How are they supposed to respect me if their father doesn't? He was bad mouthing Ruthann too. She is still living with her daughter and I feel we are drifting apart. Eirc's aggression has gotten worse and I have resorted to calling the police on him. I never imagined things would get so out of hand. He thinks he can hit me whenever the mood strikes and according to Child Welfare I am not allowed to protect myself. Eric had my head in a leg lock a week ago and I was scared he wasn't going to let go so I bit him. I agree this wasn't the best decision I could have made but I didn't see an alternative. Once I was free I lost it. I took what was left of my Clonazepam just before Ruthann came in. The cops and ambulance were called and I was taken to the hospital and released. The kids left the next day. I am not adjusting well to not having all of my kids around. Especially yesterday. I know there are steps I must take to help myself get better but Eric needs to learn that he can't hit people and Corey needs to stop degrading me. Shania has a real hate on for me these days and I am not sure why. I think part of it is because she doesn't want Ruthann coming back home. For whatever reason it is, all I know is that my heart is broken. I will do all it takes to get them back home. L |
| I don't know where my life is headed right now. I am in a funk again, sleeping my days away. Ruthann is still living with her daughter and has no plans on coming home in the near future. The rift between her and my oldest daughter doesn't look like it's going to clear any time soon. She did agree to counselling though. I am not sure if it will help but I am willing to try anything. Once we have our issues resolved I hope we can start working on her relationship with the kids. In all honesty; I truly believe that its too far gone for things to change. There has been far too much bad mouthing against her since she has left. With Corey, my mom and Alicia expressing thier feelings about her openly we have no chance in hell in resolving this. I have told all of them to keep their fucking mouths shut if they have nothing nice to say. I am so fed up with all of this bullshit. Corey is pissed cause he can't have me and that I still love Ruthann despite all that has gone on. My mother hates her just because she is gay and my daughter is doing whatever she can to keep us apart. Rebecca, my youngest is the only one that treats Ruthann with respect. The other two are downright hateful and it doesn't matter what I say they keep on going. I am in serious need of counselling. I can't handle this fucking nonsense anymore. She can't even come by the house, HER HOUSE without someone having something to say. I am sick and tired. I want to fuck off somewhere and not be found. I rarely even log in here anymore. I am not doing my online courses or anything I enjoy. They have sucked the life out of me. Do I have the strength to go on?.... L |
| I have been through my share of ups and downs. Most of you on WDC who read my blog know what I am talking about. for the past month I have been helping out my kids dad because he shattered his kneecap. This lead to some tension between Ruthann and I because I was spending all of my time upstairs. My kids attitude towards her was getting worse by the minute and she had a very short fuse. All of this resulted in a HUGE fight between Ruthann and I. I didn't like the way she spoke to the kids but I also didn't like how the kids were treating her. I was so tired and frustrated to begin with; the arguement was the last thing either of us needed. To make a long story short...Ruthann and I are now living apart. She went to her daughters and allowed me and the kids to stay in the house. I am devastated and I know she is too. I hope there is a way for us to work things out because I love her SOOOO much. If any of you have advice, please feel free to share it. Lisa |
| I know I have said this a thousand times but I am so sorry I have been gone for so long. I didn't realize how long it takes for someone to heal from this kind of injury. Corey is doing better but he still needs a fair amount of help. The kids are home this week on march break so I will keep my fingers crossed that I can get online some. I feel lost without my WDC and all of you. Don't forget me please. I should be back soon. Love Lisa |
| Hello Everyone....I miss you all so much. I had a free moment so I wanted to come on and give you an update. Corey is still in quite a bit of pain. To be expected I suppose after shattering your knee. He goes to the Dr Monday for a check-up but will most likely be in a cast for another 4 weeks. I might be able to get online more because I just bought another computer I can use upstairs and still help him when he needs it. Since he isnt able to sleep in his bed we have been bunking in the living room. My pc is in the basement so thats why I havent been able to spend a great deal of time here. I know I am behind on a few things but will get is all caught up shortly. D |
| Things at home are pretty stressful right now. Corey, the kids Dad, had his surgery on Friday and is in a lot of pain and a full leg cast. He can't get around on his own so I have been helping him out. I am still not feeling well and having to care for someone else, look after the kids and clean; you can well imagine how I am doing. I barely have any time for myself and have only a few minutes to take care of some small things here. I realize that I have obligations with my contest an such but I asure you I will get to them. It may just take a little time. Once Corey is able to be more mobile on his own I will get my stuff done here. I hope you all understand. D |
| Hello loyal readers. My kids Dad, who lives with us shattered his kneecap on Tuesday and was sent home to await surgery. He's not able to get around on his own so I have been taking care of him around the clock. He is supposed to be operated on within the next day or so and I hope to be able to get some things caught up on. Sorry for the inconvenience. I too am not feeling the greatrest either as the wheezing is back. I will be back as soon as I can... D |
| Most of you know by my blog entries or talking to me in scroll that I have been sick since January 7th. I am battling a cold now with an awful dry cough and I and wiped out. I realize that I have quite a bit on the go and I wanted all of you to know I am doing everthing I can to stay on top of things. If for any reason my reviews or updates get delayed; please understand why. I would never leave something unattended just for the hell of it. As it stands now most of my days are spent sleeping and the other half dealing with my kids. Have patience with me grasshoppers..all will get done. D |
| Have you ever poured your heart and soul into something and have it not work out? No matter how hard you tried you could never get it just right. I am so pissed off right now I could cry. I had a vision of creating something that would benefit so many people and I seem to have lost my way. Maybe I was a fool to think I could manage this all on my own I don't know. I still keep plugging away waiting for a miracle to happen but it hasn't come. I feel defeated, let down and betrayed. I won't elaborate on any of those feelings because it will cause more harm than good. I suppose what this all boils down to is how much am I willing to sacrifice to truly make this work. I am committed to my projects and I want to see results but when I don't I feel like a complete failure. I am depressed enough in the real world I don't want to be here too. This site was my salvation. It brought me up from a very dark place but lately I find myself losing interest. I'm not sure what all that's about and it scares me. Sure some things are going well but others aren't and it makes me wonder with all the bullshit that has gone on lately if my name hasn't been dragged through the mud. I am not here to win any popularity contests. If you don't like me then stay the fuck away from me but have the decency to keep your putrid, filthy gossip to yourself. Past, present and future... My support of this site is paramount and I will stop at nothing to make sure my name isn't taken in vain. I came here to write and that's what I enjoy. The rest of the stuff I do is all for the benefit of others. One thing I'm not and will never be is selfish. I give back as much as I can to help others get where I am. That's about all I have to say for now. |
| Well it seems that my children don't like losing their priviledges or writing lines. I have brought the hammer down and I and NOT letting up. I made it very clear what I expect and if I don't get it they suffer natural consequences. For instance, they have 10 minutes to be up and fully dressed downstairs or they lose all of their "electronic devices." No tv, video games, mp3 players...nothing! A few days without watching their fav shows turned them around. So has writing lines...They had to do so many on Saturday they went to bed early!!! I have also given them homework on day they don't bring some home from school. The biggest shock was on Sunday when the girls CLEANED their room. It was spotless!  I admit this hasn't been easy but Ruthann will be going back to work shortly and I need to show them I can make my own decisions and I won't back down. The bad news is..I am getting sick again..arrrggg! I see the doc tomorrow though. So for now it looks like the changes I have made are working. |
| I am in a rotten funk today. I feel like crap and to make it worse, the wheezing is back. So much for getting better.I have to see the doc again tomorrow. To top that off I am in a self pitying mood to boot. I mentioned to another member today that I was jealous of her artwork. It's true. I have been so sick I haven't had time to play and create like I normally would. I am in a cycle of self-defeating behavior. I feel everyone is better than me and that my work isn't worth looking at let alone purchasing. I have put so much effort into all I have done here but it seems to have all fizzled out. Am I doing too much or does it just suck that bad that nobody wants to have anything to do with it? I bought a new program last night and even discovered I have some on my pc I didn't know about. Yet I am sitting here whining and complaining instead of doing something constructive. I am so pissed off I could cry. Where did I go wrong? |
| I think I have finally hit the road to recovery. I am still using the inhalers but for the most part the rest of it has cleared. I can now concentrate on the things I want to do without being dragged down. I have dedicated a great deal of my time to this site and I love everything I do here however I can't help but feel like I am not accomplishing anything. I have poured my heart and soul into my work, raffles etc and yet I am not happy. I don't know what it is. I am not giving up though. I will continue to help those I can and grow as a writer. I am not a quitter... As far as the battle with the kids goes...it looks as if I am gaining some solid ground. They have written lines practically every day for bad behaviour, they are doing the homework I give them and they realize I am NOT backing down. I won't say I have won just yet but the road ahead looks promising. Keep your fingers crossed for me. |
| It's now been almost a full month that I have been sick. I am now running into medication interactions which are making my stomach a bloody mess. I am constantly in pain and running to the bathroom. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. All I know is that I am TIRED.... I have taken a stand with my kids and I am not backing down. I will not let them see how much I am suffering because they will continue walking all over me. I made 2 of them write 100 lines each tonight! Oh how they fought me...but guess what? I won, all the lines were done!!! YAY ME!!! I am not accepting anymore bullshit from any of them. My mother has decided to move out of my sisters and get a place of her own. When my oldest stated she was going upstairs to clean her room today I told her she could pack too. She looked at me and said "You're telling me to go" I said "Yes, you think your grandmother is going to live alone?" That was it...she is moving in with nanny and I can get my youngin back where they belong...maybe things are looking a teensy bit brighter.... I JUST NEED TO GET BETTER! |
| I got the kids off to shool this morning ....Late again as usual and my mother, oldest and suspended son went to do laundry because the time on my washer broke.....so I went back to bed....it's still pretty quiet for now. I got up about 12:30 because I started to overheat..lo and behold my blood sugar was 24.5 ....Really not good. I had something to eat and cold water but I am still sweltering. I don't want to have to go back to the hospital again but it doesn't come down on its own; off I go.... The stress and the steroids are killing me.....I just want to get better..... |
| Since logging off early last night I have been suffering with severe abdominal pain. I wen to the DR and it can be as a result of the numerous meds I have been taking. She told me to come home and rest. Then all hell broke loose... My 13yr old son got suspended from school for finding a penny bomb and insubordination. He has a potty mouth and got called on it. The penny bomb he said he found and I believe him but because his reputation is that of a trouble maker he got canned. I am going to look into that. So since he was sent home at noon the house has been in a state of fucking chaos. My mother came up to help with some things I haven't been able to do. I told everyone to leave me alone but no one could listen. I was woken up countless times and then the fight started...Eric was sreaming about being treated ufairly..My oldest daughter was fighting with Ruthann about me not being allowed to eat fruit loops because of the sugar! I will eat whatever I fucking please whether I should or not I dont fucking care. So this conversation turned the house upside down. Everyone started screaming about how unfairly they get treated, that Ruthann treats everyone like shit, that I am not the same since I have been with her. I got accused of not putting them first. I was called names, my mother interjected about how badly Ruthann treats the kids. I kindly reminded her that none of us are perfect and we all do the same thing. I have been off of work for almost 2 fucking years trying to get my goddam head on straight and have stood behind my kids no matter what has gone on. I am sick and fucking tired of being told that what I am doing, mainly living with Ruthann is WRONG! My oldest is constantly referring to Ruthan being the same as Joey. He is the one who assaulted her and she went so far to say that the only thing Ruthann hasn't done that he did was rape her and that is probably coming soon! I was fucking livid!!!! I told her that the only reason she and the rest of them are acting the way they are is because they aren't getting away with all of the bullshit they did before. I have been working with a counsellor from the hospital for my son but he is ready to pull out since there is no progress being made....I am so fucking messed up I don't know what to do... I told the oldest that if she can't live under this roof by our rules then she needs to live somewhere else. She has quit school and is not working. She had pitted the younger kids against me and I am ready to fucking srtangle someone! I slashed my arm again tonight. I needed to redirect the pain they are causing. I don't know how to stop this nonsense. I am at the end of my rope. They expect me just to pack up and leave.....things will change. They have been the fucking same for years now ......where in the fuck am I going to go with no savings and being on disability. I damn near out of my mind...they seem to have all the answers when the simplest one is right before them.....JUST DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD AND RESPECT YOUR ELDERS..... I am out of here for now.... |
Well..the prednisone I need to help my lungs clear shot my blood sugar level so high I had to go back to the ER. They were worried about Diabetic Ketoacidosis which is a life threatening illness. I am clear of that for now but as long as I am on the steroids this is a concern. I also had to have a shot of insulin that may bring my level down too low and require a quick sugar fix. Another chest x-ray revealed that this pneumonia isn't clearing so I am back on another antibiotic and my white cell count is up.... I have been resting as much as I can but the stress I am under seems to keep this sickness hanging on. Ruthann is doing all she can to keep my little heathens in check but the are acting out awfully. My eldest isn't much of a help lately either. I hope things turn around for the better soon. I am a mess! Send me some positive energy peeps.... Luv y'all. Linked 'Note' no longer available.Now before any of you berate me for being here while I am so sick please remember this: I am a chronic worrier and if I were to just sit and do nothing I would be sicker than I am. Anxiety is strange that way. Being online with my friends keeps me focused on other things. Granted it isn't a cure but it helps me. |
| I am the type of person that will do anything to help others. I am the same way with my chlidren. They don't want for anything yet I am continually put down, sworn at, hit, ignored and much more. I have been off of work due to my own mental health issues but also to help my son who demands special attention. Lately, my biggest battle has been with my 18yr old daughter. She refuses to let go of the hold she has over her younger siblings and let ME their mother be the parent. I am getting more shit and abuse from her that I need ro want. My life is difficult enough. She has dropped out of school and refuses to go back. She can't get a job because she can't read or write properly and can barely add 1+1. She has began this hate crusade against my partner Ruthann, involved her siblings, and is making my life a living hell. This isn't the first time they have done this either. Whenever things don't go their way they just want to up and leave whoever I am with becuase they aren't gettting their own way. I love her because she is my daughter but I hate what she is doing to my family. She talks about Ruthann and her feelings about her to the younger kids and they have no respect for her whatsoever. I am fighting a battle everyday with these kids and they all wonder why I am so FUCKED UP!!! I have been sick with pneumonia as you all know for 2 weeks now and I am not getting better because of all this stress. My daughter has left home once already and knows what it's like to be on her own. She has spent the last 2 weeks with my mother who has nothing good to say about Ruthann either. It's ok for the rest of the world to be gay, but not her daughter. What I am doing in wrong in her eyes and she rallies right beside my kids. I am so fucked up today all I have done is cry and sleep. My eldest is home and I am not looking forward to what is going to go on so I am staying in the basement. The younger ones are right up her ass listening to all her bullshit and I can't do a damn thing about it. I need an intervention. Can anyone give me some advice? Lisa |
| I am so frustrated and irritated right now I could cry. My pneumonia is not getting any better, I am tired and achy and to top that off my monthly "friend" is due any time. I feel like shit and just want to hide somewhere. I have no patience for anything at the moment including my kids and that's bad. I just want peace and quiet and in a houseful of 7 that ain't happening. I sit here to try and find some solace but I am even getting annoyed with sitting here because I can't decide what I should be doing first. I slept all day, propped up of course, thinking I would be ok when I got up.....NOT! I feel worse than I did earlier. I have no energy, I am hungry, thirsty and don't know what I want..... SOMEONE JUST SHOOT ME PLEASE!!! I am so close to tears it's ridiculous. Talk about hormonal! I got to go an find something to do..... |
| I CANNOT SEEM TO POST THIS IN THE PUBLIC FORUM AS A BLOG, CAN YOU HELP ME SPREAD THEWORD? I just took action to prevent the worst wolf massacre to occur in the lower 48 states in decades. I hope you will, too. It's easy to help. Just go to the website below totake action: http://action.defenders.org/saverockiemountainwolves Sometime this month, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is expected to release aproposal to strip wolves of crucial Endangered Species Act protections across most ofWyoming and de-list wolves in Idaho, where the state is poised to kill up to 75% of the wolves living in the Lolo district of the Clearwater National Forest. This proposal could allow the use of aerial gunning and other lethal control methods tokill as many as two-thirds of the wolves in Wyoming and as many as 54 of Idaho's 65 wolf packs! Please help me save these magnificent animals. Urge the head of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, Dale Hall, to maintain federal protections for gray wolves by sending him a message at the website below: http://action.defenders.org/saverockiemountainwolves In the last century, America's wolves were nearly hunted, trapped, poisoned and harassed to extinction. Yet neither Wyoming nor Idaho has addressed the core issuesthat once brought these magnificent animals to the brink of extinction. These wolves are in trouble. But, together, I know we can save them. I hope you'll help... Blessed Be! )O( DragonBlue Blessed Be! )O( ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** http://xsorbit29.com/users5/poetrylair/index.php http://www.dragonbluespoetry.com http://groups.msn.com/DragonBluesPoetry http://BlueFireRains.FSCStore.com ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Over a week now I have been rasping and wheezing. Today I expected to feel better but I am back to square one! SHIT!!! All of the meds are finished with the exception of the inhalers that are supposed to be helping me breath easier... Why am I still so frigging sick? Viral infections are a pain in the ass!Now on to my other...and so it remains story. I have to admit that my patience has been tried a little too much lately. When people say things and promise not to have contact what does that mean?....  I assumed it would mean exactly what they had agreed to. I guess I am a fool because they still haven't shut the fuck up and let it go!!!I am not normally the type of person that gets involved with other peoples shit but when you are continually being pulled into it; what are you supposed to do. Last night I defended someone who was terrorized into not having contact with a certain member and then this member had the nerve to address her!!! I quickly spoke up in her defence because she was too afraid to talk for fear of a harrassment suit. I was told to butt out! Well I am sure all of you can well imagine what that did!!! I was addresses a few more times very rudely I may add and told this member I expected an apology. I didn't get it of course because this person had no moral integrity. They demand that others adhere to their requests but can't keep their own promises. To me that is pure bullshit!!! Bozo the Clown has more sense and better judgement. In closing I will say this...."Ever mind the rule of three; what ye sends out comes back to thee!" |
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