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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I am filled with sorrow. I met someone last Friday night. Just last night they departed my life as quickly as they had come into it. I feel as if my best friend just walked out on me. I'm sad. I'm lonely... my heart is broken. Last night I just couldn't put it off... I told myself to wait, to savor the moment... to not rush things but my need to have it all and have it now overpowered me. I just couldn't hold myself back. That little voice warned me... told me to slow down and think this through. I didn't listen... All these late nights with my dear friend have now ended. I am left to grieve. I'll never regret it! No... the sadness I feel now was worth the pleasure I was given. Last night I fell into sleep with a smile on my heart. My new friend has had me spellbound. Every moment spent with em' left me tantalized. I couldn't wait till work time was over to be alone with my little friend and tonight I felt as if I had nothing to come home for. I finished the book I found at ol' downtown bookstore last night. I hate it too. This book just rocked my world. Here's a link: http://www.catherineanderson.com/books/only.html I'm going to get the rest of this author's books. I like her style. She absolutely had my complete attention. I guess tonight I'll start on the other friend I purchased last week. This one is a true crime story. Here's the link: http://www.annrules.com/prod23.htm I've read some of Ann Rules work before and like her as well. Though it's not a happily ever after like the first one. And really I took a gamble on the first book, I don't normally read romance but Ms. Catherine Anderson won me over. I'm a fan forever! I have a headache. A neck ache. I've been sneezing all day and well... I'll spare ya the details but other than all that, I'm ok! I'm not going to blog about work cause I wouldn't know what the heck I was talking about! Still brain overloaded. I do know that if I stick with this job, I'm gonna be one smart computer chick! It is definitely a learning experience and most assuredly a challenge. THREE times this song has rang through my radio today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGhlUzzib6c THREE times! Two different radio stations and then online yahoo music. First time, (this morning on the way to work) I thought how cool...it's been forever since I heard that song. Second time, (during lunch hour) I thought... what a trip... THIRD time (online music while changing clothes for a meeting, after work) ... I said GOD... What you trying to tell me?!?! Weird... You say coincidence. I say God uses Skid Row too. You say I need to lay off the romance novels. I say you're right. I miss my little friend. I'm going to bed early tonight! I'm a sleepy girl! |
| I'm overwhelmed with information. Brain is in overdrive. I'm fearful thinking maybe I'm not cut out for this. Or maybe this isn't right for me. I'm overwhelmed. It's only day 2... I don't have to have it figured out yet. They gave us a peek into one of the eight different programs we will learn and learn to troubleshoot. Think I went into panic mode, after that. Along with several others, once I heard them trippin', I didn't feel so bad. Only day 2... There's a big dead bird at the bottom of my stairs. Two days now I've enjoyed the presence of this dead bird. Today insects have eaten off his face. I live two doors down from the maintenance headquarters. I was not blissful when I called my landlord to ask they get this dead damn big ass bird away from my steps. Landlady asked... Where about by your steps? Uh... just walk to the groundkeeper's headquarters and you can't miss it! One of the trainers says the word ‘Right' about 100 times daily. On my last nerve! I mean over and over... the word ‘Right'... Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. When asked about it, she says it's a teaching technique. A way of getting the class to think and agree with what she is teaching. I say it's a filler word and damn distracting and annoying. I think I'm bitchy Rants over... |
| I bet the exterminator here at my apartments is dumbfounded at the changes I'm sure he has noticed within my home. For the last four years, there's been the same exterminator man. A built Hispanic man with a big black birthmark over his eyebrow. He comes at the first of every month. I know when he's been here since he leaves a pink piece of paper telling me so. He's sure seen some stuff lying around my apartment. Like my old pot tray. Beer can's overflowing in the trashcan. Empty whisky bottles all over the kitchen counters. My undergarments spinning around with the ceiling fan. Use to it would be trashed, never failed he would come right after a big throw down at my place, I'd have to rush off to work the next morning, wishing I were dead. Sure enough... Upon arriving back home, I'd find that exterminator left his note behind for me. I'd blush with embarrassment for he always came at the worst time it seemed. For a bit I was afraid that he would turn me in... Cause well not everything he saw laying about my place was legal. But he never did... Now he sees my meditation books flung across my bed. Vitamin bottles lined up on the kitchen counter. AA literature piled up on my coffee table. A bible on my bedside table. The place is like clean even! Undergarments put in their rightful place. Yep... exterminator man has witnessed a ‘change of life'. I'd be interested in hearing what he had to say. He's like a fly on my wall. I'm tripping... Not stoned either... I'm tired! It was a good first day but I'm just tired. 4AM is damn early! Everyone is really nice. It was more of a day to get acquainted with everyone. Basically a day of just touring this big building that employs over 600 people. I know my way to the smoking area and the ladies room. That's about it. I was a bit overwhelmed by all the people. All kinds of people... man... I thought I saw some faces at the food bank! Some of these folks were damn weird looking too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70UzgxL3XFo I'm the blonde in the back  Just a face in the crowd...  I am so engulfed in this book I bought the other day at that used bookstore with the cat. I stayed up till almost midnight because I was INTO that book! So I better start reading early tonight cause I know once I start, I'm not gonna wanna stop! This song has rented space in my head ALL DAY! Round and round and round...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAVygLgWlB4 Love ME !  |
| 8AM and it's breaktime! Internet cafe... Man this place is huge. Gotta go. |
| I spoke a bit with Connie over dinner last Thursday night. She asked about my new job and if it's what I want. Yeah... I guess so... The pay is a dollar more hourly than what I was earning. There is health insurance, even dental. I didn't have dental at the food bank. This is a large business. I like that... I want to be a number on the payroll. Honestly... all of my working years I have been joined with small businesses. There are pros and cons in them both, but right now I just want to be a face in the crowd. A voice on the phone. I want to clock in and work. Clock out and go home. No... this job isn't my calling... nope; I have no passion for Internet service. I do like to help people. I'm good at whatever I do because I care about whatever it is I am doing. But no... it's not long-term commitment. So Connie asked, "You still applying and looking to see what is out there?" No... Honestly, nothing that I have found really grabs me. I don't feel drawn to any of the jobs I have applied for really. I keep getting EMS dispatchers brought to my attention, through television, books I'm reading, just in conversation with others. I applied for such a position with the city. When I applied I wasn't sure that I would be ‘cut out for the job' anyway. I hesitated a few days before sending in my job inquiry. I haven't heard anything from them thus far, but I know it takes a while. I get excited easily. In the past, I haven't handled crisis very well. So I wasn't sure if I could hang with that type of work and do it without getting emotionally involved. But... it kind of tugs at me... the more I think it over... but still not much. I want to go to school. I want to teach. What? I don't know. We are all born with our gifts. I think I'm a teacher. I don't know much about anything... what I could possibly teach, I have not a clue. To kids? Teenagers? Adults? Dunno... I love English. I love God. I enjoy History. I don't know much about any of those things, but I know teaching is in my heart. I love to learn. I love to see ‘lights come on' when another person learns. Another good thing about this company, they treat their employees well. There's structure. There's scheduled evaluations. There is ‘cost of living' scheduled raises. There's an Internet café in the break room... a pool table even. I'll have a Coors light, please Kidding! Pool tables and cold beer just seem to go hand and hand to me. They have also offered $3000 reimbursement on college classes. I imagine it's after a certain amount of time with the company and of course I'll know more after tomorrow, but really that's what caught my eye. But you know really... I haven't heard a big inner NO regarding any area of this job. The pay is acceptable. The bennies will be there... there is nothing unacceptable to me... still I'm just not that excited about it. Maybe it's because I know this is just the beginning. I want it all and I want it now. My soul is tired. I've grown weary. I keep telling myself that this is normal. First five months of my life that I haven't been high or drunk since I was 13 years old. I keep telling myself that I'll feel better. I'll get secure. I'll get stronger. Things really are better than they have ever been... but still... it's not good enough. It's never good enough. I still don't feel good enough. Connie said, "So you're using this as a ‘shoosh' time? To rest, get your confidence, figure out what you want and make a plan to get it." Shoosh time... You know for a while I've been trying to figure out how I felt about this change. I feel nothing. I'm glad I'm not at the food bank anymore. Had I stayed there... I'm betting that I'd either be high or drunk now... or jailed for assault and battery with intent to murder. Yeah yeah... I brought all that on myself, but I most definitely was at my breaking point there. I tried to think of one positive thing at that job and could not. So I know that chapter is complete, without a doubt... but I'm not real sure about the rest of the story. I guess I'm feeling a bit inadequate, wobbly, unsure, shaky. At least I know what I'm feeling. That's progress. Shoosh time... That's exactly what I need right now. I'm going to read. I'm going to write. I'm going to love on my mom and Mike. I'm going to get to know who I am and what I want out of this thing called Life. They say the first year in sobriety is a bitch. They are sure right. Still... I wouldn't trade my worst day now for one of my best day's back then. Yeah! I'm nervous. I'm walking into the big ol' building tomorrow and into the unknown. After a good nights rest... I'll be ready. Tomorrows going to be a good day. |
| Today feels like a Sunday to me, for some reason. Maybe because I'm thinking about going back to work and doing what needs to be done to prepare for it. I'm not nervous about going to a new job. I'm relieved to know that I have a month of training. I won't be thrown into the job like at the previous one. I remember the first day on the job at the food bank was hell. They told me where my desk was. Told me where the ladies room was, that's it. I was answering the business phone first hour on the clock. The caller would ask for someone and I would put them on hold, and first person I saw... "Can you show me who Sherry is?" "I'm Sherry!" "Oh Hi Sherry. I'm the new secretary, Jennifer. Call for you... Line 2!" I wasn't introduced to the staff. No one spoke to me on my first day. My boss stayed in her office, doing her thing, said nothing but "Good Morning" to me the entire day. It was the worst first day on a job that I've ever had. I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be like that here. I'll know more after Monday but I'm guessing this place is well structured since it is a large cooperation. I keep hearing the word ‘structure' in different settings. I heard a lady in a meeting share about how she has to have structure; she looked over at me and said "Unlike Jennifer I sit in the same chair every day." She went on to talk about how she wakes up at the same time, she eats at the same time... on and on... she thrives best on a well structured routine. She was just being funny when she brought me into it, but it said something to me. She's right, I do sit in a different chair every meeting. Though I have grown accustom to certain routines, I am most definitely unstructured. Really... Sitting in the same chair everyday, wearing the same color eye shadow everyday, eating the same foods... or what have you... is just not my style. I am a woman of variety! As I use to say flirtatiously in my addiction, actually referring to my drugS of choice or taste in men. Still it's true... but I do think I need structure, might better balance me out. I'm still from one extreme to the next... still day to day, sometimes minute to minute. It's not so noticed by the outsider's eye anymore. I keep a fairly good hold on it, but inside I'm a mess sometimes! Like a duck on top of the water. It appears to be calm and at peace, but if you look under the water you see his little feet going ninety miles an hour. I am that duck. Yesterday I scheduled a hair appointment with Lucy. She got me in today, gave me a nice trim. My bangs were in my eyes and that right there will make me go mad! I didn't let her fix my hair this time. Last time, I did not like it at all. It was on my birthday and I wouldn't leave the house because of that hairdo. It was stylish but it just wasn't me. I looked like a fat Shirley Temple. I hated it! Too curly! I'm more into waves and wings. I like big hair, but big and wild not big and every curl is in its perfect place. She gives me a good cut though. I use a rolling brush to bring my sides and bangs down towards my face. She cuts the whispy look and that I like, plus she knows I'm trying to get it to grow so she only takes what really needs to come off. I think she would do better on my hair now since she knows my personality better, but really I had no need for a nice hairdo today. I did a bit of shopping after leaving her salon. Then got a call from a friend that needed a place to just hang out since her daughter wasn't answering the door and she had driven here from Midland. So she came over for a little while. I popped in one of the movies I had rented "Enchanted". Cute little Disney movie, but she ended up leaving before it was over, since her daughter called her. I watched it again for a second time. I've since baked a pineapple cake to take over to my mother's house tomorrow. I'm also going to cook a cabbage casserole. This recipe comes out of my mom's cookbook. I love this recipe; it's so YUMMY. I love cabbage... well; I haven't met a GREEN that I didn't like. Fruits and nuts... not my bag, but I love veggies. It's a beautiful day here. The sun is shining but the air is cool. I went for a short walk but really lost interest quick. I'm draggin ass today... been like that for the last couple of days. I bought some really good vitamins at the store today. How do I know that are good? Cause they STINK! That's how ya tell! Or so I think... not sure if I read that somewhere or if I made it up. I might be back later. I really do feel a purge coming on... but I am going to crash early tonight. I have my alarm set for 4AM, need to try to get use to rising that early again. I may go to church tomorrow, but I'm not sure. I keep asking my mom to go and she won't. My mom just isn't the church going kind. She is more like Christ than just about anyone I've ever known, but she just isn't a church goer. I've never been before either but they tell me I should change everything! Church really is a good place to meet others who have my same ideas in mind, then again the devil goes to church too. How could he resist? BYE! |
| It's been a productive afternoon. Did some laundry. Cleaned off the patio. Finally took out the big outside trash barrel that usually holds a week's worth of house trash before I give in and drag it to the dumpster. Went to the bank and the library. Paid rent. Mailed off phone bill to Skittles. I rarely see him these days. He lives 20 miles away so I find it easier to just drop a money order in the mail for him. I then stopped by this old bookstore downtown. Spent a good two hours walking around that place like a kid in the candy store. I love the aroma of books. I could just spend hours smelling books! There was a cat walking around in this store. She's jumped from one bookcase to the other. A sign at the front says: Warning! Attack cat on duty. I enjoy going to little down-home Maw and Paw shops like this one. I tried to find me a good romance novel. I have a hard time getting into romance and I'll tell you why. I just can't relate to a glamorous perfect person. Give me some real people to read about. Make her 20 pounds over weight! Give him a bald spot! I want to read about normal people not super models that seem to have it all. But... I think I found one I'm going to like. I started it while waiting at Avis Lupe, already enthralled by it. I had to fight myself away from the True Crime section. I really did... a verbal brawl with myself right there. So I just got ONE and made myself leave. I spend to much time watching stuff like that, I think it's starting to get to me. I need inspirational stuff right now. My inspection sticker and tags on my car both expired in April. I ordered the tags last month and they've been sitting on my computer desk since. Well... today I needed to go down and get the inspection. Spent a good hour sitting in the waiting room. As my license plate lights needed replaced. I really knew this already, but I played dumb. I knew because I was pulled over a few months back and officer gave me a warning about the lights. Well... inspection dude caught it to and so I told him to put em' on. I watched through the window as dude had to take my trunk completely apart to get to those little bulbs. I figured he would have charged me more for the labor, but he didn't, just for the bulbs. That works! Off to the movie store! Rented FOUR Disney movies. Three old ones and then a new release. You can guess what I'll be doing this evening. Watching movies! After I get back from a meeting. Oh my look at the time... |
anyone know where Sweets   has been?? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| The count down begins! One more weekend... I clock in Monday. Have I mentioned... training starts at 6:30 AM. OMGosh! For the next four weeks I will have to be at work at 6:30AM. Well the good thing is that this building is closer to my home than the food bank was/is. I'll just hop up on the loop, take the first exit and I'm there. Less than 5 minutes... Much better than having to drive through town, across the tracks and into the ghetto. Have I mentioned that I'm on a wild emotional roller coaster ride? yep...but I'm doing things differently this time. I recognized the emotional crazies and I decided to baby myself instead of torturing myself. By... watching Disney movies (I love Disney movies), by drinking herbal hot tea, by using spiritual exercises. Yesterday I went on a mission of finding jokes, images, bloopers that would make me laugh. I'm just doing what I enjoy doing. Like... reading, cooking, sleeping. I'm just not sweating anything right now. I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. But today... everything is ok. I'm ok. Tonight was date night with the girls. I started out as a stick in the mud, but before the night was over I was giggling and cutting up with them all. I've decided to put my 4th step work to the side until I'm feeling a bit better. Next weekend Sheree and I will get together to do my 5th step. I had a good cry last night. I guess Anniversaries will always be days of remembering when. It's not so much that I miss my ex. Sure, I wish things could have been different, but I think most of my sorrow is from my own past choices. I wish I had done things differently. It doesn't help that I'm currently working on personal housecleaning within myself already and all kinds of memories are just coming to the surface. Regrets, shattered dreams, could have been's, and so it was just a rough day, but I got through it. I'm not going to dive any deeper than this. Right now I just don't have it in me. I laughed at myself yesterday when I read my last blog entry. My frap ingredients... These two in particular - 1 heaping tablespoon of sugar free/ fat free Cappuccino mix from Folgers (French Vanilla flavor) 1 tablespoon granulated sugar  I totally defeated the purpose of which I purchased that SFFF Mix for! I'm still frap creating over here though. I love those things. They are expensive, although the one's I purchased were low in calories, still... Now I can ensure that I'm only getting the calories I want or rather, need by creating them... uh sort of... Plus I'm saving a buck or 20. I'm addicted to making fraps. Five months of sobriety today! First time I've ever been sober for this long. It was sure a test last month when I hit that 90 day hump. Now, the compulsion has lessened and it's like I'm seeing things I've not seen before. I'm older than I've ever been. I'm damn happy about it. Some days my sobriety date is all I feel I have to hold on to. If there were no God, I would have no reason to be sober. If I don't stay sober, I'm not going to recognize God. My sobriety and my God go hand and hand. Without one, the other means nothing. That is what keeps me when I'm at a breaking point. So far ... it's worked. I need your help! My meditation this morning totally baffled me. I just don't get it. Tell me what you get from this: All material things, the universe, the world, even our bodies, may be Eternal Thought expressed in time and space. The more the physicist and astronomers reduce matter, the more it becomes a mathematical formula, which is thought. In the final analysis, matter is thought. When Eternal Thought expresses itself within the framework of space and time, it becomes matter. Our thoughts, within the box of space and time, cannot know anything first hand, except material things. But we can deduce that outside the box of space and time is Eternal Thought, which we can call God. |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I just kicked meow out. She has just been so clingy today! All over me, clobbering me with her fur, stepping in my ashtray, laying on my keyboard, biting me when I ignore her! Maybe she knows I'm not good. I just OD'd on fraps. I usually buy a Starbucks Frap every other day for $2.91. So I created my own Frap recipe, with a little help from google. 1 cup left over coffee from morning pot ½ cup skim milk 1 heaping tablespoon of sugar free/ fat free Cappuccino mix from Folgers (French Vanilla flavor) 1 tablespoon granulated sugar 1 tablespoon vanilla ice cream Not bad! But I'm so miserable from all the milk. My body has been craving dairy. There are so many ways of creating a cold coffee to fit your liking. These ingredients I just happen to have on hand, so I used them. Next trip to the grocery store I will see what other goodies I can grab to add to my homemade concoctions. This was really tasty. Even though the French Vanilla Cappuccino reminds me of when I had the flu. I will never feel the same about that stuff. I would have been married 13 years today, but instead I've been divorced 8. It shouldn't bother me anymore. Well, I guess since last year was the first year I spent this day sober in the last 8 or well even 13... I guess it is to be expected. The beginning stage of PMS is the main culprit. It never fails; this time of the month knocks me right on my ass. I really wasn't sure what my problem was and yesterday morning I asked God during my Morning Prayer time, what in the world is wrong with me? Why am I so bitchy? Yeah... God and me keep it real. Then throughout the day... It dawned on me... just suddenly... its Pre Pre PMS. Next week, I'll have Pre PMS, then the next week, actual PMS... so that leaves one week out of the month that I'm doing ok. Who knows... I don't know. I don't even care. I feel hopeless. I think I need to go back to work and soon. Too much time on my hands. Today would have been our 13th year. Every where I looked today, I kept looking for him. I looked at the driver in the car next to me. I looked around while at the store. I kept looking out my mother's front door, thinking he was going to drive by. I think I've lost my mind. I even saw one of his expressions in the cats face. Maybe I just need a good cry. Maybe a walk. No MORE FRAPS I know that much. All those years of pretending it didn't bother me, have finally caught up. |
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