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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I’m suppose to work on Saturday for a food drive we have annually. It’s the same food drive I showed up to last year drunk. This year I am not going. Following is my list of excuses: 1. I fear my sobriety. I’m not on solid ground right now. 2. My ninety days is Sunday 3. There’s an Area Assembly meeting for AA in Lubbock this weekend. 4. My sponsor is going to that meeting. I had planned to go before I knew of this food drive. 5. My mother needs me in Lubbock. 6. My step dad told my mother today that he wished I were there. 7. I’m so burnt out on my job that I may just blow a fuse during the dysfunction of this drive. 8. My boss lady is on my shit list. 9. I need a break 10. A dose of sobriety, and to be with my support/sponsor during this tough time. My boss won’t like it but she will have to understand or NOT. Matters not… I looked in the paper to see what all was out there. I saw that a rehabilitation center is hiring for a house supervisor and so I applied. I don’t know if it’s something I would like or not. I need to wait till after the interview. I’m not even sure what a house supervisor does… The overview sheet that they gave me said basically you give them Pee tests, you take them to meetings, you report any suspicious behavior, and well you just supervise them. This particular rehab is for those fresh out of prison for drug or alcohol charges. It caught my eye; it’s definitely aligned with my main focus at this point in my life. SOBREITY. I’m a bit excited about it. Today a lady called in at the food bank wanting to make a compliant. She was pissed because a certain agency of ours only gives out once a month. AND they gave her junk food. I asked what is she referring to as junk food? She said peanut butter, beans, rice, and noodles. God Have Mercy I tried to remain polite as I told this lady that we are not in the business of satisfying your taste buds. Our mission is to keep you from starving to death. I wanted to say much much more but that’s as far as my ugly went. I’m not helping no body at this food bank. No, I’m a part of a place that enables people so they don’t HAVE to go to work everyday … like ME! It’s just how I’m feeling right now… I’m damn negative feeling at this moment. Two dudes from the church just knocked on my door. I got my Harley shirt on and pajama bottoms with little motorcycles and a Marilyn Monroe looking chic. I didn’t recognize them through the peephole so I scream out sharply and even with a nasty tone “WHO IS IT?” … Poor guys… Scared them, saw one jump backwards. They were nervous already. But I made a point to be extra nice and welcoming. They gave me a book “ Daily Inspiration for the Purpose driven life”. How nice of the sweet church guys. I learned some things about myself today. I’m NEUROTIC! Your score is 60. You are definitely neurotic, but there is still hope for you.  http://www.neuroses.org/cgi-bin/sfesurvey.cgi?theneurosespsychologytest I didn’t like it either. I would rather be something else. Like… HAPPY! The neurotic hasn't taken any narcotic pills today but I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown. This is why I can't, I won't be at this event at work on Saturday. |
| It’s a blue day in Jenville, Population of 1. I took four lortabs yesterday, two today. Lortabs are narcotic painkillers. Do I have pain? Not physical pain, no. In the past those little pills would send me into a spree so far, I’m white knuckling… What’s the point? A drink isn’t going to make anything better. Not a damn thing. My boss got so ugly with me today over a missing digit in a phone message I gave to her. She said nothing… no she looked at me as if I had just brought the world to an end, she crumbled up the message and stormed off like a little bitch. That was just it for me… I was so mad that I could have and almost did just walk out. Only thing stopping me is all my stuff throughout the food bank. If I had no ties, I would have left. It’s something minor, it’s something that can be looked over but I think it’s the straw that broke the camels back for me. After all that I do for her and that food bank… honestly, I’m not just blowing smoke out my ass… but for real and she feels it necessary to act that way over a missing fucking digit. Bitch should be lucky she gets her messages. I’ve worked there two years and how many times I have wrote down a wrong number? She can count that on two damn fingers… You know when you have ten things going on at once, sometimes shit happens. She was just in a shitty ass mood and felt it OK to treat me like that. Hasn’t asked a damn thing about my stepdad. Doesn’t give a fuck about me as a person. I’ve been holding on to hope that maybe… just maybe things aren’t as miserable as they appear to be. Like maybe the object in the mirror is not as close as it appears to be… like maybe that object is just a figment of my imagination. I don’t like changing jobs. I want to be somewhere that I can stay and grow roots at. There is so much more going on at this job than I have talked about. I’ve always spoken with hope that just maybe I can make a difference. Maybe Things will change. Maybe it has potential. I don’t think so anymore. I know I’m going way off the deep end over some fucked up reaction from a moody ass old woman but I’ve just had all I want of her lack of management skills. I see no hope, no reason to stay at this job. I promised Betty I would make her two pies to take to school for a bake sale. I get home and I only bought enough cherries for one. So I find a recipe for Apple Crumb Cake and I’m only missing Brown Sugar. So I have thirty minutes left before the cherry pie comes out the oven so I hurry and go to mom’s to grab her brown sugar. I get back and the cherry pie is burned on the edges.  Just the edges… What to do? I cut the edges off… I’m so exhausted. I’m still so very angry… so mad… even hours later. |
| I slept from 5PM yesterday until 8AM this morning. Maybe I have caught up on my sleep now. Today I’ve been doing my thing. I colored my hair. I’m no longer blonde. It is a plum brown; A LOT darker and I like it. I look older and that’s ok. I baked banana bread. Mom and I both purchased bananas a day before the ambulance came for Mike. Both were so ripe that I wasn’t gonna eat em’. And since banana bread freezes well, and I enjoy baking, I saved some bananas from wasting and burned off some steam. I chopped veggies, got them rinsed and stored, ready to just grab. I’ve done some reading from the book that Mama Deb got me. I need it. I am so resentful now that it hurts. God… Just reduce me to love. I wrote out my resentments in my spiral notebook. There’s no point in repeating them. Now it’s time to just let them go… So maybe now when one of them pops back into my brain I can remind myself… Chic! You already forgave them for that. I have decided that I’m not going back to my 5:30 home group meeting. No… I’m burnt out on the same shit everyday. I told my sponsor this today and she didn’t like the idea of me making any changes right now, but she also said, “You do what you got to do.” This is what I have to do. I need a break. I don’t know how long it will last but there is another AA group in the old neighborhood I grew up in. I can go there if I’m desperate for a meeting. Mike was again taken off the vent machine. Things are looking good. Mom is happy. Mike is eating like a starving man. They say he may get out of ICU tomorrow and go up on the floor! This is good news! Thanks again for all your prayers. It’s been a relaxing day. I think I may go for a walk before bed. Right now my focus is on changing everything! I’m feeling that rut feeling I’ve felt before. This ninety day restlessness, disappointment in people and well, loneliness. I’ve got to find my zest without having the relapse this time. I’ve got to step outside of the box… go to any length to maintain sobriety. Change everything… stay on guard and remember to drink is to die. It may take 20 years or longer to physically kill me but all that I’ve gained spiritually and emotionally will die almost instantly. Like I’ve said before, I don’t know that I have another dry date left in me. It’s just too fucking hard… it’s either now or never. My writing of resentments got me a little pissed. It was suppose to make me feel better… I’m powerless over how people act! I’m powerless over the past choices I have made. BUT if I stay sober today, I have power over how I act. I have power over the choices I make NOW. |
| I was corresponding with spun2sugar about the unfortunate weight gain when a person comes off of chemical dependency. She said, “ I just keep reminding myself that I may have extra poundage but a lot more substance!” That rocks! Yeah… and I’m going to remind myself of that also! I woke up this morning eager to get done what I didn’t get done yesterday. At mom’s I got the cleaning done that I wanted. I let her kitty go out and bask in the sun for a while and then couldn’t find her. So … that kept me sitting there longer than I had anticipated. Finally, I got the can opener, plugged in it close to the back door and tricked the cat. Yep… she came running out from under the shed. I did go ahead and open her a can up (no can opener needed for this type of canned cat food), gave her some loves, switched out lights to leave on until next visit, and ensured the garage door shut behind me. A nearby church put a sign on my mom’s door inviting them to attend. I liked the sign, it said: Jesus! He is our kind of guy. He had long hair, he lived at home till he was 30 and he got in trouble with the authorities! I thought that was cool. It was a full-page print out of Jesus’ face. So I hung it on my mom’s fridge. I also used some oil and anointed her home. Yep! For protection… Mom doesn’t live in the best neighborhood. Back when Mike bought this home over twenty years ago, it was the upper class but now it’s a low- middle class neighborhood. My mom’s house is the nicest and most kept home on the block. Next door lives a known con artist and thief. I made a point of sitting out in the front porch swing while I smoked, casually walking to check the mail and leaving the doors open while I was there to let them know that someone is around. And you never know when I’m coming in or going out. They can’t see me park because I pull into the garage which is in the back of the house. So they can not tell what cars are there or when. I’m also not offering information to anyone that asked about my parents. They are at work… or out running errands… but I’m not offering the truth that Mike is laying up in the hospital. You know how ghetto folk get when they see an ambulance carry off the occupant of the best kept home in the area. I may be a God fearing; law abiding, working class woman but if you mess with mama I won’t fight fair... I’ll fight to win. I talked to my mother and her spirits are down today. She is just frustrated. They attempted to take Mike off the vent machine and couldn’t. Will try again tomorrow. My stepbrother is there in Lubbock with her today. I’m just taking it easy here at home. I have some things I’d like to get done at my apartment but I think a nap is what I really really want! I’m just trying to be easy on myself. I got a bit down when I talked to mom, I wish I could take all this off of her shoulders. She is watching her husband lay helpless. She has stayed optimistic, she has held on to her faith but it’s beginning to wear thin. I hope she ate a good lunch and is now taking a nap. I'm doing good. I am getting myself centered today. After getting mom's house cleaned and kept, I'm doing the same with my own, then I'm just taking it easy... basking in the sunlight of the God I know is keeping a watchful eye on us all. |
| I didn’t get the cleaning done at my mom’s that I had intended. I lost my oomph. Truths -- I never had any oomph to begin with. It was almost an hour after I got to her home that I realized her house pet fish was dead. I told mom over the phone day before yesterday that I didn’t think her little fish friend looked good. She wasn’t eating the food I put in there; she didn’t seem very alert. She wasn’t swimming; I found her in the same spot of the tank each time I visited. Finally, sometime between noon yesterday and noon today, she gave up the ghost and found her way to fishy heaven. I finally did away with my aquarium several months ago. It’s hard work keeping a tank and just too sad for me when they die. Fish don’t seem to have a long life span. Or else I’m a fish mass murderer. Yep, I’ve flushed some fish in my day. I’m really glad it wasn’t the pond fish cause those suckers are huge and it would have really broke my heart. There is not much to report about Mike’s condition. Other than Mom was a bit sad to learn he will remain on the vent machine most likely for the weekend. He is communicating with Mom by writing on a notepad. He gets sad when she has to leave. Mom has befriended many of the nurses. There is one nurse that just graduated within the year. She is a real cute gal and she just loves my mom. With my mother being a nurse, they had much to talk about. The young nurse is interested in my mother’s 20 years of nursing experience. She is also teaching my mom about new medicine, equipment, techniques and such. When I saw them discussing nursing it reminded me of two squealing teenaged girls talking about teenage boys. I think Mom said Mike lost over 700 CC’s of blood. I don’t know how much that is but yesterday and today he has been pumped with new blood and plasma. That scares me… but I imagine they know what they are doing and that they have made sure this is good and clean blood. Mom said he wasn’t complaining about any pain today. It still bites when I think about how he tried to tell everybody about this. He even wrote on his notepad last week that he tore a muscle in his side. Mom told the doctor, the nurses, everybody that would listen, but I guess it doesn’t matter. He is OK now… it was found out in the nick of time. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Thank you all so much for your prayers... Please don't stop them yet, because they are working... My step dad is not one to cry wolf. He is a tough old goat. When he asked my mother to call for an ambulance, we knew then that something was terribly wrong. Although, we totally underestimated how sick he was. I knew in my heart of hearts that Mike was pretty bad off. I knew because I had just had the flu and I know how bad I felt. I am young and strong, no major health problems. I’m a smoker and even a heavy smoker but Mike is 2-3 packs a day. I keep telling my mom to not nag on him about smoking because it doesn’t work. To stop smoking is one of the hardest things a person can do. Mike has been smoking for fifty years. It’s hard as hell to stop an addiction that you have had for that amount of time. The doctor here in Odessa blamed Mike’s condition on his smoking. In fact, she seemed a bit disregarding to him and flippantly told my mother that if he doesn’t stop smoking he will not live much longer. She knew nothing about his pneumonia… she just found a source of blame and threw it at him. Pissed me off… Sure, he needs to stop smoking but this was more than just a smoker’s cough. When my mother called me midnight on my birthday. She told me not to come to the ER that all would be fine and she would call me in the morning. I got on my knees next to my bed. When I got up off of them, I knew I needed to meet my mother at the hospital. I actually beat her to the ER. We sat in the waiting room for about an hour before anyone told us what was going on. Lot’s of drunken kids coming in with alcohol poisoning and fight wounds. The fragrance of cologne and booze consumed the ER waiting area. When the nurse finally did come and get us, she hurriedly explained that Mike had been intubated. I didn’t know what that word meant. My mother did and I could see the surprise on her face. Mom figured she would walk into his ER room, find him sitting up, smiling as he was given oxygen and maybe a breathing treatment. We were utterly aghast when we saw him in the condition he was in. I wouldn’t walk into his room. First of all, they had cut his clothes from his body and he was lying there naked with a catheter inserted. WHY the hell they didn’t have the decency to cover him up is beyond me. The nurse did quickly pull the sheet over his body when Mom entered the room. I stood at the door, my head peeking in; I wasn’t going in there… I was freaking. It reminded me of a bible story about Noah. When his two sons found him drunk and naked in his tent. The not so good soon left his father exposed and went out telling all that he saw his father naked and drunk. The good son quickly covered him and took care of him till morning came. Thus enforcing God’s message that true love covers for you. I found it very disrespectful of the nurses. I guess they think nothing of it, being in that line of work it is a daily thing to see a person in such vulnerability, but I didn’t like seeing it one bit! My mother didn’t appreciate it either. His ER room was trashed. There were clothes, wrappers, trash strung about all over the room’s floor. He was sedated, intubated and what I remember most difficult to see is his blood that was inside of the tubing that connected his body to the machines. We are both so thankful that he is in a Lubbock hospital now. I wouldn’t even want Meow in the care of our local hospitals. Have I been sleeping? I’ve been so still Afraid of crumbling Have I been careless? Dismissing all the distant rumblings Take me where I am supposed to be To comprehend the things that I can’t see I did get a nap in today. I slept hard too. I keep dreaming like crazy. I remember pieces of it just moments of waking up but after a while I can’t remember anything. My mother and stepbrother told me that while I slept in the hotel with them in Lubbock, they heard me screaming in my sleep. My mother said it sounded like someone was out to get me and I was frightened. There’s so much more to me than what I even realize. I have some deep darkness in there that hasn’t even made it to my conscious as of yet. The road of recovery is long and winding before me. Sometimes I think I try to hard and I just need to lighten up, let go and let God. People don’t always understand what recovery is. It’s not just “Not drinking” … no it’s so much more than that. Truth is, everyone should be in recovery. I’m just one of the lucky ones that just so happened to have a little drink and drug problem that introduced me to a solution. A way to get down to the causes and conditions. And as a child I danced like it was 1999 My dreams were wild The promise of this new world Would be mine Now I am throwing off the carelessness of youth To listen to an inconvenient truth We are getting ready for the Boy Scouts “Scouting for Food” can drive on March 1st. This is the event that I showed up drunk last year. It’s a little hard at times for me. I am feeling remorse for the choices I have made in the past. I’m feeling as if I am living with those bad choice shadows now. I know that it’ s something on the inside of me. My boss would have fired me if she thought I wasn’t salvageable. More often then not, I let that little negative voice take precedence and my own mind is my worst enemy. Here lately it has been a minute to minute struggle. I notice that I’m good at talking the talk when things are ok but when the going gets tough… I’m not so good at walking the walk. I don’t like that. My sponsor says it’s a process. It’s something we have to practice. I really miss the days when I thought I had this all figured out. Self-deception is a much easier way. Not so in the long run I would guess… I need to move I need to wake up I need to change I need to shake up I need to speak out Something’s got to break up I’ve been asleep And I need to wake up Now I’m almost at another ninety days of continual sobriety. This is when I have to really stay on my guard. I had a hundred and something days at both my previous relapses. There is something at this point in my recovery that is a big weakness for me. I’m not sure… maybe it’s burn out. I feel it now too. I’m burnt out on much of everything going on right now. My AA home group, my job, my apartment, even WDC at times… So I’ve just got to do something’s different… I’ve got to make a change. I am not an island I am not alone I am my intentions Trapped here in this flesh and bone ~ Melissa Etheridge, I need to wake up One thing I noticed last relapse is that it renews my mind. When I relapse and come back it lights the fire under my butt. It reminds me of how far I have come and how I don’t want to go back to where I use to be. This time, I will find that without the relapse. It's time to wake up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djP-c7d_Oeo I am a bit discouraged with some people in my recovery. I heard someone say at the meeting yesterday that AA is like a church for Black Sheep’s. Well, that’s cool but I’m not so sure that the meetings are all that I need. I think my new church is going to fuel me up some. I’m going to change up my meetings. I’m not pleased with the tension with Greta. I’m not happy with Skittles. Ken annoys me. I’m tired of the same faces, same stories, and same bullshit. I may even attend a NA meeting with Judy this week. I may join weight watchers with Sheree. I may travel to the surrounding cities with Cheryl and go to different AA meetings. I planned on going to an Area Assembly meeting with Sheree in Lubbock next weekend but realized today that I can’t because of the food drive. I’m better today then I have been all week. My mom is at her hotel getting rest tonight. She will be good tomorrow. Mike will hopefully be improving more tomorrow. I can see a bit of hope now… and I’m holding on to it again. |
| You guys rock... I'm staying in Odessa as of now, that can change any minute. I came over to my mom's house after work today and her garage door is open!  I guess I forgot to close it yesterday at lunch. Not Good... But everything is ok, I fed the fish out in the pond, washing her throw blankets and Mike's overalls that were laying across the chair. I talked to mom this morning and she is like so calm. She said she feels better now than she has the whole time. She said mike was asking for a popsickle when he got out of surgery, but he couldn't have one. He is back on the vent machine but that could be off again by today. The doctor told her without this emergency surgery Mike would have been unsalvagable. That is a strange word to be using don't ya think!?! I guess that's a doctor for you. Did I tell you a gallon of blood was formed in the shape of a football between his muscle and abdomen? They had to cut into the muscle. That's going to be sore! I am going to call mom soon but giving her time to get settled. Visitation was over a bit ago and I imagine she is out getting herself lunch. There is most likely news that I don't know about, it could be good or bad... I've accustomed to not assuming anything in this ordeal. Sometimes when things look good, they can turn bad in a heart beat and vice versa. My attitude is better today. Still I am tired but I left work a little early because well I just wanted too... I am here at my mothers house and dang her computer is soooo slow and it's brand new! Mom is really old fashioned when it comes to computers, I checked her defrag and disk clean up... Never been done So I did it and it's a little faster but not much. I need to see what else I can do to sped her up. I'm going to dust her livingroom, sweep and mop her floors. Can you use regular floormop on hardwood floors? I should ask her before I do that, yeah. And I'm going to get the plants watered and whatever else I get distracted by. Then later today I will sleep... a good nights sleep, knock on wood... Mom says she thinks we are steppin into the light at the end of the tunnel, well she said it some other way but I forgot. I'm glad she is able to be positive. I don't know what went wrong with me yesterday but I really was down and out, but today the sun is shining. It is a beautiful day here. I had dinner with the girls from the club last night and that brought my spirits up a bit but it was just moments later when I got the bad news about the internal bleeding so the good feeling didn't last long. Greta is so disregarding me when I see her at the meetings. Yesterday I wasn't in a good mindset anyway and she just walked past me like I didn't exist, so just disregarded me. Being in the state of mind I was in it got to me and I told Sheree I wasnt' going back to that meeting. I don't know what I will do but I don't have the energy to put up with that shit from a place I go for refuge. I haven't been able to go to my new church for the last two weekends, first I was sick then in Lubbock, but this Sunday I am going. Several people have called me from the church. I have missed most the calls but they left really nice messages on my answering machine. So I'm all about that. This is like a ghetto blog entry but I needed to spew. Love Me Long Time ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Mom jjust called and said the doctor just came to her, she hasn't seen Mike yet but doctor is finished with surgery. They took out a gallon of blood that had seeped between the muscle and abdomen on his left side. Doctor said Mike would not have made it through the night had they not done this surgery. she hasn't seen mike, he is still back in the surgery place but the nurse promised to come and get her as soon as she can see him. he is back on the vent but doctor said he is stable. my mind is going crazy... which is nothing new, how do I make it stop? i been praying.. I guess pray more. I tried to sleep and along with a BOBBY BROWN song that I don't remember hearing in the last decade there is like a million things flying through my mind. Mom said this is the second time in the week that mike has escaped death that he is here for a reason... and I caught myself roll my eyes over that. What's that about? I'm MAD... I don't see a reason for anything right now. I think I'm mad at God. I don't understand why this is ... I've only told you about Mike because Mike is first and foremost on my mind but damn it there is just all kinds of little bullshit happening right now. I thought things got easier in recovery. This is the hardest ninety days I've endured thus far. NO doubt ... I'm going to try real hard to get some sleep, I think its a big part of my breakdown tonight. I've been in bed at midnight and up at five am since Tuesday, before Tuesday I didn't sleep at all. I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt right now. IT's hard to remember what I'm grateful for, it's damn almost impossible to think positive. Where is that Faith I talk so proudly about? When I need it the most, I'm too weak to find it. I appreciate all of your comments. So sincere, you guys are like the first thing I think of when I need somewhere to turn. It's weird but sometimes writing is my only way out. Your comments are my only hope. God works through you and this site. My God doesn't mind if I get mad at him sometimes. I'm mad at him because my expectations are not being met, my sometimes unrealistic expectations... I guess I expect life to be perfect cause I'm trying so damn hard. It bothers me most that my mother is alone in that big hospital. She said a lady approached her today asked if she was alone and then asked if she could sit with her. She's not alone! That warmed my mothers heart but it broke mine. She isn't a charity case she has people that love her and I know I'm just tripping. Mike is OK. Mike is OK. Mom is OK too... I'm going to try to sleep again. I love you guys I had to focus hard and listen to my head to see what song by Bobby Brown was playing in there. It's "every little step I take" ... Yout hink I may be nuttz? I mean you know like a head that sings to you isn't normal is it? I swear I have not heard that song since who knows when but today it is loud in my head... I wish it would be quieter so I can sleep. |
| I’m wigging a bit… I just want to call someone and cuss them out. I want to be mad so I don’t have to feel sad. An emotional outburst… I’m fighting. I’m still so very exhausted. I’ve been in a shitty mood most of the day. I need to call my mom back and see if I need to come to Lubbock tomorrow. I can’t call her like this… I don’t want to upset her, make it harder on her. I’m chatting with a friend who asked me, Do you want to drink? Does a bear shit in the woods? Yea, I want to drink… am I going to drink? NO… what help would I be to my mother in that condition? Absolutely none. How do you feel he asks? Completely defeated… just hopeless! Are you ready to surrender? I thought I did that alreadY!!!! Mark : Wanting to know where you went wrong? Jennifer: it’s spilling over in other areas of my life and I just feel so vulnerable Jennifer:just so sad that Mom and MIke are going through this mark: yes I know Jennifer: They ain't never hurt nobody Jennifer: The rain pours on the just and the unjust all the same Jennifer: what's the point in being JUST? My mascara is burning my eyes. I can hardly breathe. I’m so exhausted, been taking sleeping pills since I got home and I still cant sleep. I t thought everything was going to be ok… I need to find out what I need to do. I don’t want to talk to anyone but I needed to call Sheree. I needed to tell someone instead of internet dude. She tells me to think positive. I have struggled so hard with being positive lately. I remember when I just bounced off the walls, positive thoughts, always clinging to hope. I just can’t seem to find much hope these day.s Be thankful he is in Lubbock hospital and not Odessa hospital. Be thankful that you are clean and sober and you are able to help your mom. Tell yourself you are getting a good nights rest because tomorrow you will need to be strong again for your mom. I keep sighing … I’m just so discouraged, so exhausted and it’s not even about me. ** I just got a call from mom, they are having to do emergency surgery. Since Mike coughed so hard last week and tore a blood vessel, blood has been sweeping out between the muscle and abdomen., it is now the size of a football. My mom won’t let me come tonight. She wants me to stay home. Now I can’t even cry… Mom is handling this good. Mike is going back on the vent machine. I have to call my stepbrother. I really want to get in the car and go… what if Mike dies and mom is there alone? That’s not going to happen. The surgery is a good thing. He is in a fine hospital. Mom is like kicked into survivor mode and just seems to really be at peace, maybe even more than me. I got to call Nick |
| Not good news… Mike tore a blood vessel when he coughed so hard before being hospitalized. He is bleeding internally. He has lost over half of his blood. They are pumping him with blood and plasma. They don’t feel good going about surgery because he is so compromised as it is. They are hoping the new blood will absorb and the Whatever she said it was will naturally heal. If not, in the morning they don’t know what will have to be done. My mom is staying the night in his ICU room. She is sitting on a folding chair next to his bed. She gave me all the medical terminology for this shit but I don’t know or care to know any of it. He is bleeding internally. He has lost A LOT of blood. She did say he is feeling better with the new blood he is getting. I was really hoping that this would be coming to an end soon and mom and Mike would be home. I don’t like that my mother is sleeping on a folding chair all night. I don’t like that Mike is bleeding to fucking death. He is NOT going to die… this is just a little delay… that’s all. I can hardly STAND to think of the pain he is going through.... Just can't stand the thought. |
| Here is Mom and Mike on Christmas day. By the way… Once again, Mike is off the vent machine. I talked to him earlier and he is still Mike, got a really sore throat and sounds exhausted but he is alive and breathing on his own! Thank God. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I was at mom’s house and stumbled across the Christmas pics earlier. Here I am sitting on the floor. I had just woke up from a nap and threw the Santa hat over my bed head. Why is it that I always have my nose stuck in the air in most my pics? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Well… I got checks written for their bills, I checked on the heater in the greenhouse. I fed the fish. I petted the cat. I did two loads of my mother’s laundry. I vacuumed all her carpet, took out all her trash… I swear she has over 15 little wastebaskets throughout her home! Only in West Texas do you see an air filter on a box fan  . I threw my mothers air filters out today too. I’m not so happy tonight. I am but I’m not. I’m just whiny … Happy for the news, Happy life as I know it will continue to go on… Happy that I’m alive, I guess. oh that was bad I’m too tired to blog… I have so much to say and just no time to say it. One of these days I’m going to be a normal blogger with normal topics. Till then… I’m stuck like Chuck, racing against the clock as time ticks away… Night night |
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