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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books.php/item_id/1291596-Im-Singing-My-Song/sort_by/entry_order DESC, entry_creation_time DESC/page/8
Rated: 18+ · Book · Personal · #1291596
Sing it if you understand...


2Am and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
threaten' the life it belongs to.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...and breath...
~ Anna Nalick



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This blaze was destined for you to be refined
My plans for you this battle I had to require
Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind
These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire...

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This woman prays...

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~ Isaiah 61:3

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion
to give unto them Beauty for Ashes
the oil of joy for mourning
the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness
that they might be called trees of righteousness
the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
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April 9, 2008 at 11:24am
April 9, 2008 at 11:24am
#578475
I woke up this morning to the phone ringing. It was Crazy Aunt painting an image of the front office for me. I don’t put much stock into what Crazy Aunt says, that’s the thing about liars, you never know when what they say is actually the truth.

She said Bosslady looks like she is about to pull her hair out. Said, there were people lined up at the front needing this or that. I decided to give Bosslady a call and ensure she received my letter of resignation. Bosslady sounded just fine… thanked me for the resignation and well… that’s over.

I put on a pair of sweats and my Nike’s and went for a walk. It’s a beautiful morning here. The air is crisp, cool and exhilarating. I just walked and walked … I stopped and helped one of the maintenance girls at my complex, pick up trash. Then… off again… walk and walk and walk. I passed PC dude as I walked. Gee… it really is a small world.

I’m so ready for this change.

Finally last night I took a sleeping pill and before I knew it, I was gone…

Success

Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much,
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children,
To earn the appreciation
Of honest critics and endure
The betrayal of false friend.
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others!
To leave the world a bit better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch
Or a redeemed social condition.
To know even one life
Has breathed easier
Because you have lived ~
This is to have succeeded.


Regardless of the last drama event… I needed out of that place. I need a fresh start. Those of you that read my blog on a regular basis know that things were bad there. My mom knows. My sponsor knows. She has been telling me to look for another job for quite a while now. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like change. Even if my current situation is miserable, I will justify in my mind and find reasons to stay. God has to like SMASH my situation before I start getting out. It seems that has been the case with both my last jobs.
I’m going to get my home straightened up. Start working on my resume. Get to a meeting at noon. Get myself together… centered. I just made a round of phone calls to friends and family that I haven’t spoke with in a while. I know that I need to stay connected to my network, especially right now.

Thessalonians 4:18 ~ In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God.

I’m so THANKFUL for this new start. I am so happy this morning… even though I have no idea where my next paycheck is coming from… I am blissfully content at this very moment.

* Smoooooooooooch * *Kiss*
April 9, 2008 at 12:41am
April 9, 2008 at 12:41am
#578412
I’m having a hard time sleeping. I’ve had a headache since 8AM this morning. Headache, Neckache, backache…I have an emotional hangover, I do believe.

I keep listening to the Scorpions, Winds of Change… like over and over and over and over…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taVW8Kv2HcQ

It’s my blog theme… for now.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:

Success … To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends.

It’s funny how the people that were so hard on me when I first started working at the food bank, two years later… I see I earned their appreciation. The one’s that appeared to be good and kind it seems have betrayed me.

Well… if Ralph is right about the definition of Success, then I guess I have succeeded.

It’s been a hard day. So after I get kicked out of work at 8AM this morning after being verbally attacked, I tried to sit down and work on my resume. My emotions wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t focus. Crazy Aunt knocks on my door, which I really appreciate because I was in need of someone to talk too. She just wanted to talk about what had happened and encourage me to contact a board member and fight for she believed I had been treated unfairly.

I agree… but I just don’t think I care that much. I just want to let it go and move on. Then I go to a meeting and Lucy is there. She doesn’t know much about my job or me, really. I don’t call her often. We don’t talk much. She thought that I worked for an Apartment leasing agent. Uh… no.

Anyways, she thinks I have attention deficit disorder. She has it and she says she sees a lot of herself in me. And she wants me to read this book to see if I SEE myself. That’s cool… I can read the book; I’ll check it out. Then she says, she wants me to take HER medicine. Huh? Uh… no.

I’m trying to stop the consumption of other people’s med’s!

Then I call Debi Wharton as I’m driving in circles around this place I applied at. An apartment that is hiring for a leasing agent. Go figure! Maybe Lucy has ESP… and she was so nice and I really enjoyed speaking with her.

Then bugzy is baaaccck!! logged on and gave me a blast of hope through her genuine bugz way.

I’m afraid. I don’t do change well. I am like so stable that it’s not even cute. Two jobs in the last five years, lived in one place for the last five years. This is just scary for me, but I’m damn exhausted. Tomorrow I’m going to GO GET EM’!

But tonight everytime I lay my head down I think I should be up doing something… Like JOB SEARCHING. I’ve been scanning the workforce website for hours and hours and hours!

I’m just feeling uneasy… I need to get centered. But first I need to get some rest… Lighten up… I got money put back. I just paid my rent and I’ve got enough put back to pay it two more months plus whatever is on my check Friday. I’m ok… I’m ok!

Ok, I’m going to lay down again…

One more time listening to the winds of change first…

I’m shocked like hell that I’m not drinking! Hey, that’s cool… Dopeman didn’t win after all.
April 8, 2008 at 9:09pm
April 8, 2008 at 9:09pm
#578376
I’m quitting my job…

Effective April 9, 2008… tomorrow

This morning dopeman went off on me again… this time because he said I had an attitude when I shut the door between the warehouse and front office. He opened it. I shut it. He opened it again, screaming downstairs to me that “you ain’t nothing around here”…

About that time Big B walked by and I asked her to shut the door. He starts screaming at her that he is going to open it right back up. Oh dear GOD… the crazy stupid bullshit.

Little C came up front and stood by my desk. Dopeman came back downstairs screaming at Little C, “What are you her bodyguard?”

Crazy Aunt is standing next to my desk through this entire event. Dopeman is screaming in his black stink bug slang, “Just cause you want to come to work with an attitude don’t mean I’m going to tip toe around you. I don’t give a damn about your personal problems.” On and on and on… “You want to talk about me, do it to my FACE!” I really thought this man was going to hit me.

I said some things back to him like “Shutting the door had nothing to do with you.” “This is going to STOP. You will not attack me like this”… Hell I don’t even know.

Then he starts screaming at Little C. She tells him to clock out and go home... She is like the second in command up at work. He clocks out, screaming… ranting and raving all the while, goes up stairs, comes back down and asked Little C if they could go talk. She tells him she will not be alone with him but that the warehouse manager can go back with them and talk.

So they go into the back office.

Bosslady comes in; I’m standing outside smoking. I tell bosslady that dopeman verbally attacked me. I told her it was about shutting the warehouse door, blah blah… She goes to the back office. A few minutes later, dopeman comes walking through the front office. He gives me the stare down, like we in a wrestling match or some shit.

Bosslady is not far behind him. She tells me that she is sending us both home for the day without pay.

I told her this is unfair. I told her that I did nothing to this man. I also told her to drug test the crack addicted stinkbug looking, low life, piece of dark and old shit.

Ok, I didn’t say all of that.

My feelings are so hurt. There is no way in hell I’m clocking into that piece of shit another time. I hate that things end this way, but there is absolutely no way I’m going back up there to be attacked by that man another time. I told her that I fear for my safety. I told her that this is some form of workplace abuse. I told her that I feel utterly wronged by her choice of sending me home without pay and asked why she didn’t speak with those that witnessed this event. She offered no explanation. She said this is a “He said… She said… type situation and she could not make a honest judgement because she was not there.”

Regardless of all the BS… I feel as if my mental and even physical welfare is at stake. I am no longer partnered with that non-profit. I’m OUT!

Good ridden! Two years one month and two days… I’m not even going back for my personal effects. My check is direct deposit. I’m emailing my letter of resignation. And I can IM my co-workers with my good-byes.

I took the skills test for the job at the city I applied for last month. I failed the typing test because of too many errors. *Frown* Tomorrow I am going to retest again and will slow my speed down and make sure my accuracy is 100%. I doubled the required speed and then doubled in the acceptable amount of errors.

Then I went to a rehab house and applied, got that job and then declined the position. I can’t live off of $7 an hour! I thought minimum wage was like $7.15 at least! I have much to do as far as updating my resume and just polishing those job-hunting skills. I’m excited and anticipating where my next adventure will be.

This has been a long time coming… when my boss showed me no support today whatsoever it totally broke my heart. My feelings are hurt but it’s also a nice kick in the ass. I’ve been sittin’ pretty for too long. I’ve been unhappy at this job for quite a while. EXTREMELY unhappy for the last six months. Even to the point of dreading going to work… I was wrong when I thought this was where I needed to be. It was my fear of change talking me into staying. I’m working on my letter of resignation and I know it’s suppose to remain positive but I sure want them to be aware that my intentions were to stick around but due to today’s event, I feel it to be a health hazard.

A few of the ladies in the office are upset with me because I’m not sticking around and fighting. They don’t want dopeman to think he got the upper hand and made me leave. I understand where they are coming from, but I’m all out of fight.

I’ve been fighting for the last six months… I just ran out of fight today… 8AM this morning.

Toodles to the Food Bank! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnhhjGavEq8


April 7, 2008 at 10:39pm
April 7, 2008 at 10:39pm
#578217
Here’s to you PC dude!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peNZVndJX1E

Let’s hear it for the PC man!

*Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

*Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6**Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6* *Balloon6*


You girls totally cracked me up to when I logged on and read all your Yipppee’s and woots! I’ve been busting a move over here… Feel like busting out some aerobics to this 80’s tune!



Ok… I got to get to seriously blogging, it’s almost the end of another day and I’ve been on the phone for the last THREE Hours with Denny. Things have gotten a bit ugly and I told Denny straight up today that I’m not about drama. I told him that I would step out of the picture LONG before I will get wrapped up in some bullshit between him his crazy Aunt.



DRAMA


This morning she told me that no matter what happens between Denny and I she wanted to ensure that our friendship would continue. I was aghast. I stared at her in a daze… “What’s wrong with Denny and me?”

“Oh he told me that you accused him of being drunk when you were talking to him the other night.”

I got the deer in the headlight look…

Long story short… rather Denny said that to her or not, I don’t know… I don’t care. I didn’t accuse him of being drunk. I asked him if he had been drinking. I explained this to Crazy Aunt and then just blew her off. Friends? Uh no… thanks… Denny or no Denny… She and I are not friends. Denny is like REALLY high strung, like almost like a child with ADHD or something. He sounded like a drunk to me that night. I asked him, You been drinking? He said, No… that was that… no reason for him to lie to me… no reason for me to care…I think Denny may have told her a bit of the conversation and she turned it around and made it ugly… added the accusation part to it, just what I think but I’ll never know.

Well…

My mother was Crazy Aunt’s Mom’s visiting house nurse for like 10 years. With me? *Confused* My mother has known her family for quite a while, obviously! My mother told me Crazy Aunt had never been married. Crazy Aunt told me that she was married for 16 years, her hubby died in a car wreck and in fact, she just spent this last weekend in Amarillo with her in-laws. I mentioned that to Denny, he said Crazy Aunt has never been married.

Weird huh…

I feel sorry for her. I think she feels so bad that she is alone that she has to make up lies about it. I don’t get it… but uhh… that’s not my definition of a friend. She’s lied to me since I met her about stuff that doesn’t effect me one way or the other. It’s just weird. Any idea’s here as to what is her trip?


I’m getting hands on experience on how to DETACH about now!

Gee… I wanna blog some deep and profound stuff but I had to get the little bullshit out first. Seriously though… things are NOT looking so good for Denny and me. The LAST thing I need in my life is extra drama. I have enough on my plate as it is created by my own hands… I don’t need some old lady stirring up the stink!

I told Denny too that He needed to set some boundaries with her or he may as well just marry HER! Oh.. that wasn’t the nicest thing to say but it’s true… He admitted she has ended most of his relationships. I don’t know how honest he is either. Sometimes I get good vibes from him, other times I think he is full of shit just like her. I don’t know!

But I wish I would have blogged instead of talking all damn night! That shows that I like him some or else I would have let him go a long time ago. I know ME! And I don’t spend three hours talking to a guy that I don’t like…

But you know how flies are drawn to the stink!

Hey…

Make friends not drama!

Let’s hear it for the PC dude

** Jen busts a move all the way to bed **
April 7, 2008 at 6:40pm
April 7, 2008 at 6:40pm
#578172
YAY!

My PC is WORKING!

Let's hear it for the PC Dude!!!!!
April 7, 2008 at 5:19pm
April 7, 2008 at 5:19pm
#578163
I have much to say but no time to say it… not right now, any way.

I’m just waiting on the clock so that I can go pick up my PC and write a check to PC dude.

He already is confusing me.

Now he says harddrives can not be repaired they have to be replaced. The other day he said that he would let me know if we could repair or if it had to be replaced. Today he says NO --- uh… software can be repaired but harddrive has to be replaced. like… duhhhh

I’m so confused.

But it’s cheaper than what he originally told me. So I’m not bitching. Not unless it don’t work!

I’ll find out in about an hour from now.

I found out the day I dropped my modem off that computer dude lives at the same apartment complex as me. SO… if he screws me over, I can stalk and harass him. * Devilish laughter *

I did sleep with a knife under my mattress last night. I need to stop watching so many damn forensic file shows.

But I’m ADDICTED and I can’t stop.

I need to work the steps on Court TV.

If I'm lucky... I'll be back before night fall...
April 4, 2008 at 1:38pm
April 4, 2008 at 1:38pm
#577565
I talked to computer dude today. He tells me that it’s a hard drive problem on my PC, says the hard drive is going out. I don’t know nothing about hard drives so I call Skittles and ask that he talk to the dude that built this computer for me and tell him what the other computer dude said.

It’s going to cost close to $200 to repair the hard drive. And about that same amount to replace the hard drive if it is not repairable. BUT the kicker is I have to purchase all the software if we replace the hard drive. There is no way I can purchase all the software. But I know computer dude that built this computer for me has the software so I could ask that he install that again if need be.

Really I need to just wait to hear back from Skittles and his friend, the computer dude that built this computer, and then I will know what to tell the other computer dude. I’m supposed to call the other computer dude at 1:00 PM and he will tell me if it is repairable or needs replaces. I don’t even know that I can trust this new computer dude. I mean they take advantage of people lacking computer dude skills ya know. Just like a mechanic would. So maybe JUST maybe Skittles is in the mood to come through for me today and he will call me back as soon as he hears something from the computer dude that built this computer for me.

Our “spread” here at work went well. My pasta salad was a hit. I used vegetable rotini and added: tomato, celery, purple onion, green onion, bell pepper, carrot, and cucumber, black olive, and a splash of sweet relish, cheese crumbles and diced ham. I used Ranch with Italian herb as my dressing. And my banana cake with home made white icing is soooooooo sweet! Makes one sick if too much is consumed. But it’s good…

I’m a bit distraught over the computer news but what do you do? I guess I’ll just have to go with the flow. At least I got some money put back and I can do whatever needs to be done to get it fixed if I truly won’t too. I can not imagine being without a home PC. I have never been computer less in the last decade of my life. So I will most certainly get back a PC somehow… some way.

I am not going to keep my thoughts out of this blog for the sake of Denny. I don’t think he has access to my blog anyway. You have to be a member of WDC and you have to have something in your portfolio. If he goes through the hassle of doing all that then he deserves to read what I have to say… no holds barr.

He's AUNT is a nut case!

I guess I am naïve. I never thought I was, but I tend to think the best of people and the sad thing is… that most people don’t have the best in their mind. So yeah, I’ve since labeled myself as naïve… but I’m not fool. I eventually do catch on and I don’t sit back and just take the bullshit ONCE I figure out that there is REALLY bullshit.

This woman is the most negative, hateful, backbiting, gossiping, vengeful, PSYCHOTIC woman! I didn’t see it at first. I knew something wasn’t right about her and I had caught her in some lies but I still just kept believing the best and believing what she said even though I knew full well she was capable of lieing since I had witnessed it! She just keeps stirring up all kinds of shit here at my work place. I have a hard enough time staying postitive and going through my own issues without someone coming along and adding fuel to that fire. I mean just negative. Every single word that comes out of her mouth is negative and hateful. I was polite but told her straight on Wednesday that I didn’t want to hear the dirt on everyone. I told her that I just didn’t care and asked that she stop telling me about stuff that is only going to bring me down.

Oh now I’m the biggest Bitch in the West as far as she is concerned. I am so on her shit list… all because I told her that I no longer wanted to know the latest gossip. I explained that I only care about this part of the food bank…. And I drew a box in the air around MY desk… I explained, That this is the only thing I have any control over. Explained to her that I choose to work here. I choose to come here everyday and if I can’t stand to be here than maybe I need to choose to go somewhere else but as long as I am here, I’m just going to stay within my OWN box…

I didn’t say this stuff hatefully. I said it in a tone like talking to a friend and just trying to come up with a solution and Man… it chapped her ass. She didn’t say anything but she called Denny non-stop while he and I were on the phone, asking if I had said anything about her. Asking if I mentioned this or that. And told him that I told her I didn’t want to hear her bullshit anymore. Well, Ok, yeah… In a round about way… that is what I said, but I said it nicely.

But the cool thing about this… Since I stopped the negative gossip and communications with her. This morning I woke up without that NEGATIVE nagging voice in my head telling me how terrible this day is going to be. Just like MAGIC, that little devil was off my shoulder! What a trip. And though she is walking around kind of puffy and pissy towards me, it’s so much better than listening to her meanness all day. When I found out that half of what she was telling me wasn’t even true, I realized that there was a problem. I trip myself out. I should be more on top of all this, but I just didn’t see it at first, but I SEE THE LIGHT now… and I’m done with that crap. Denny said she is crazy. He is her aunt; he loves her but that she is psychotic. He even went so far as to call her evil. I don’t say that world lightly, but she damn sure has some deep problems.

I don’t know what I feel about Denny. I am getting to know him some. He is VERY hyper. VERY talkative, there are some really great qualities about him… but I want to take it very slow. I just know that I’m not ready for a relationship at this point. You know, Damn I wish I was… but I don’t know if I ever will be. I’ve been single since 2001 and I’m getting set in my ways. I’m getting to where I like being single.

Tonight I am going to a birthday meeting at the AA club. Sheree is getting her 19 year medallion. I’m looking forward to that. Tomorrow night I’m going to a comedy show in Midland! I bought two tickets a few weeks back and I have asked my mom to go. It’s a clean comedy show, Christian based, and I think Mom and I will have a good time there. Then on Sunday back to church and Mom and I have started this Sunday Lunch routine. I go to Mom and Mike’s and have lunch with them after church every Sunday. Last week Mom made a ham, this week, I think I may bake some chicken and take over there. Or maybe a meatloaf, that sounds good.

Well… I don’t know what is up with the computer or when or how long and how… but maybe someday I will be able to actually sit down and blog from the heart instead of this hurried and often interrupted blog from the workplace. I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend. I’m going home and napping until the birthday party starts!

*Kiss*
April 3, 2008 at 5:37pm
April 3, 2008 at 5:37pm
#577418
I've been a bit grumpy today.

I know that's so hard to believe.

I wish I would just bleed already.

I got mad upset at Denny earlier today.

He said he would email this morning and describe the sunrise that he was watching and he did NOT!

I was ticked...

He said he was sorry. I told him that it's important to me that a person do what they say they will do. He said he was sorry. I said but it's REALLY important to me that a person do what they say they will do. He said he was sorry... and I said, OK... I'm over it.

He got busy. He had to go to work.

But I'm just bitchy... and plus I'm not so sure about this relationship thing. And really it IS important for me that a person do what they say they will. That is of upmost importance to me. Maybe a resentment/reason behind it, but it is something I expect.

But still Shit happens... I shoudl know that better than anyone.

Other than that... I'm going home tonight going to cook up a pasta salad for a spread we are having here at work tomorrow, going to make some homemade white icing to top one of the cakes I baked yesterday and bring that up here tomorrow too.

And it's GIRL night to go eat and be merry together!

Yay!
April 3, 2008 at 9:20am
April 3, 2008 at 9:20am
#577334
My Mother wrote a letter to the Lubbock newspaper praising the Hospital there. This is a link to it, Check it out

*Bigsmile*

http://www.lubbockonline.com:80/stories/040108/edi_263848917.shtml
April 2, 2008 at 5:23pm
April 2, 2008 at 5:23pm
#577217
I’m trying to have a positive attitude. I do ok in the mornings but most times before clocking out I just lose my positive encouragements. I guess it’s the little things that bother me most. I should really try harder to let go of the little bullshits. Someone up at this office and someone I consider a friend is just so darn negative. I’m getting so tired of the negative, sarcastic comments. Really they serve no purpose but to make us all feel worse than we already do.

I have to leave out names from now on… Some of you know why!

Last night I went home and baked a cake. I didn’t plan on baking a cake but I stopped by the grocery store for some fruit and the ingredients to make a chicken pasta salad. The cake mixes were on sale! IT WAS A SIGN! So I baked a chocolate cake, and I came up with this grand idea of shaving a chocolate bar to top the icing. It is very SWEET and rich… I love it. I meant to swing by and take most of it over to my Step Dad during my lunch hour but I just ran out of time.

Today at work I tore out the front sofa cause it was so ragged out and found a nice little table and chairs to put up front for my customers clients PEOPLE to fill out their paperwork. It is so much more pleasing to eye now. Our little futon was just wore the hell out.

So I have something I want to share from my morning meditations. This is fitting for me since I am working on my 4th step. I made a list of resentments a few days ago and it’s quite interesting how the reasons I am mad, hurt or disgusted with different people and places all show the same pattern.

#1 they either don’t give a darn about me

Or

#2 they are fake.

I don’t remember if I wrote about this online or if I wrote about it in my notebook OR heck, I could have just taken voice note of it on my little tape recorder at home but out of 20 resentments, the reason behind the resentment is either #1 or #2 listed above. I kind of see a pattern here, one that started over 20 years ago with my deepest and longest resentment. DAD… just don’t give a damn about me. And the truth is He does love me, he loves me the only way he knows how. He would die for me. To him, that’s love. It’s not phone calls, or Christmas gifts, or getting out of bed when I drive 6 hours to go visit him. It’s taking a bullet for me. There is no doubt about that in my mind, and that’s because he loves me, maybe not necessarily the way I want him to love me, but it’s his way.

The thing about the forth step is that it’s not about those other people, it’s about ME and getting to the reasons behind the resentments. The Strongholds in my way of thinking… why I think no one gives a damn about me. I can look back into my childhood and see why I struggle with that feeling and I could even get away with justifying it when I was 13 years old but at 31… I’ve been on my own and doing my own thing longer than I was a kid, it’s just time to let it go. And at the very least recognizing that it’s something that’s wrong with me cause the common denominator with those 20 people in my life that I resent is ME.

Step Four:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

By the time we get to the Fourth of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevents us from loving ourselves and others, from letting others love us, and from enjoying life. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse; our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.

We look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events—buried feelings that may be affecting our life today. We search for subconscious beliefs about ourselves and others that may be interfering with the quality or our relationships. We look at our behaviors and patterns with an eye toward discerning the self defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth all our guilt--- earned or unearned --- and expose it to the light. We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.

~ The Language of Letting Go

The idea that ‘no one cares about me’ causes so much self defeating behavior in my life. I automatically put up a guard. I’m unwilling to TRULY open up. I can’t even go into detail at this time cause I’m at work and can’t think this through before spewing it on the page but it just boils down to insecurity, fear and that is why I get so hurt by being deceived as well.

Anyway… I’m doing better than I have ever. I’m learning to detach. I’m learning to not take the world on my shoulders. I’m learning to choose my battles. I’ve always taken on every one else’s battles and the reality is, I only have to take care of me. And if I don’t… I will certainly be of no use to you or anyone else. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care because frankly I care TOO much and that is what has almost killed me. It’s not that I’m going to stop caring, it’s that I’m getting better at caring for myself first and foremost.

I’m just rambling, no rhyme or reason to my thoughts here… rather, none that I am aware of at this time anyway. Tonight I do believe I will get my laundry done, take care of the remaining errands. I called Skittles today so that I can give him some money. I learned that he has been in the hospital, long story about kidney stones but he is out and ok now. I guess we just never know what’s around the corner. All this time I been resenting on him and he could have been dead! No really I’m over what happened about the phone. I was a bit pissed that he didn’t seem eager to help me out when I was stranded in Lubbock but I’m over that too. Gawd, things were tough back then for me and this head of mine. It’s getting better. I’m getting better. I just have to fight off the negative thinking every day. Each morning I wake up and INSTANTLY I start thinking negative … I need to do an exorcism on my brain!

Well shit… I gotta go!

They think I’m suppose to be working for some reason.

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