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 |  All about my thoughts. Be afraid! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I know I look a bit scary, but I don't bite, much  This is my blog. A place to torture people I don't know with rants, opinoins and just plain babbling so I can keep a few friends in the real world. If you like torture, come join me. Fix a cup of tea or coffee and sit back while I tell you about the time when.... |
| Life has been the same old, same old the last few days until I talked to my friend, Sarah -- in Alaska. He boyfriend is an amazing computer artist. I am not even sure how he makes the stuff draw the way it does, which makes it even more amazing to me.....He is on a site where he can take commissions and make money. His commissioners can watch him draw whatever he draws and all are happy. Sarah was hoping to do something similar with her writing. That's how I came into the picture. She wanted me to think of something I would want her to write. I had, on a whim, looked up truffles recently. I have no idea how or why I got on that subject, but I had. I had also teasingly told Ayron we should train Tanner to sniff out truffles. He does like to sniff and dig at things....Well, wether Sarah does decide to write a story about Tanner, the Trufle Sniffing Dog, I felt I had to. So, though the story is based on real characters, it is very fictional. Tanner, the Truffle Sniffing Dog? Tanner the Truffle Sniffing Dog? Tanner dashed out the door, leaped down the four steps that took him to solid ground and raced around the Maple tree that shaded his back yard. His human laughed in delight at his speed as he came to a sudden stop his little tan and white body-standing alert as he looked quizzically at her. She made the circling motion with her finger encouraging him to race around the tree again. Short legs bunched beneath him, he complied happily darting off. He was, after all the fastest Teri-chi in the world, he was sure. By the time he stopped again, he was warm and hung his tongue out to help cool himself. His human knelt down to pat his head. Tanner ducked under the hand and let her touch fall on his firm straight back. Humans were so big that they could hurt you just by touching if a dog wasn't careful. He was careful. He watched his human to see what she would do next. Would they go for a walk in the forest today or go back inside? His human brought out the leash. Tanner whined and backed away until he heard "Sit". He sat down. His human talking softly as she clasped his leash to his harness and offered him a treat for sitting so well. Tanner liked treats. He didn't care what his human gave him. He just liked knowing he had done a good job and made her happy. After swallowing the tasty morsel, he watched to see what direction his human would go. He knew better than to fight her because then she would just pick him up and take him where she wanted and he wouldn't get to enjoy the interesting smells he could sniff out walking on his own. Today she walked straight back into the woods just a little ways and pulled out his favorite toy. With some effort she got it to squeak, just barely, and then put it down close to his nose. It smelled different, earthy and musty, but he didn't care. Grabbing it in his teeth, Tanner began an energetic game of tug of war with his human. He gripped the toy and growled fiercely as he shook the toy viciously. That was just how he would shake that pesky squirrel that teased him at the window if he ever caught him! After a few minutes of good shaking and growling his human took his toy and hid it behind her back. Tanner watched her, his head cocked to the left in curiosity, as she kept repeating sounds that ended with 'toy'. He knew what toy meant, but had a hard time puzzling out what she wanted. He took the pose, feet and head down rump up and ready to pounce, to encourage her to play. But his human just kept repeating herself every once in the while wiggling the toy at him then hiding it behind her back. Finally, he snuck around her back and tried to take it. His human laughed and gave him a treat. Next, she hid his toy behind a tree. When he went to his toy, she gave him another treat. Tanner slowly realized that finding his toy meant getting a treat. He liked this game. After a while, he tired of the find the toy game. It was time to go home and take a nap. He watched his human hide the toy again, but didn't go seek it out for another treat. Instead, he looked towards home. His human seemed to understand because she collected up his toy and started walking back to the house. Several days later both his humans came with him to the forest to play hide the toy. They started hiding it farther away making it harder to find. He didn't mind because he had both of their attentions and they were always happy when he found his toy. He liked getting treats and praise for playing a game he enjoyed. For many more days, they played the game. Then rain came. After being in the house for a long time because of the wet outside, his humans took him to the forest again. They walked farther in than before. His humans walked him up to many trees, but none of them hid his toy. One tree smelled like his toy smelled now, musty and earthy… He scratched at the tree just for fun then moved on. His humans took one of the strange items they had carried with them and started digging at the base of the tree. The woman gave a shout that startled Tanner and started praising him as she gave him a treat. After eating it, he went to the shallow hole they had dug and sniffed at it again. There was a black thing that smelled slightly like his toy, but it wasn't, so he didn't see what the fuss was about. After his humans collected the black musty thing, they walked to more trees. Tanner sniffed out a delicious smelling shoe. It had the right amount of dirty feet and sweat smell that begged to be chewed, but his humans took it away. He sniffed more trees for them, but he was tired now and wanted to go home and take a nap with his real toy. Eventually they turned back home. As they got closer, he once again smelled the almost toy smell, he ignored it though in favor of going home and chewing the real thing…. … "I told you he was smart." Renae smiled at Ayron. "He found a truffle. And on his first time out too." Ayron smiled indulgently at his wife, "Yes, you did. But, I don’t think we will get rich on one truffle. And, remember he found that shoe too. I think he was very disappointed not to get to chew it." Giving her husband a hug Renae agreed, "No, we won't get rich on one truffle, but tomorrow's another day and who knows how many he will find as he catches on to this newest game. You know he loves to play." "Yes,-- yes, he does. Let's go see how rich your truffle sniffing dog made us today." " |
| Not much news on the Renae front. Had an interview with a temp agency on today. It wasn't much of an interview as they go. The lady went through her question list and then had me take an hour-ish test. I scored well on the test. I missed two questions. One was a legitamate wrong answer and the other I refused to guess...I was supposed to indicate which square was purple. There was no purple square. On the speed test portion I needed a twenty-two, I got a twenty-seven. The semi bad news is that TSE apparently has filled the available work slots for now. My heart isn't broken. I know I should go back to work, but I can't say I am hating my time off. Things would be different if we weren't almost making things work on Ayron's salary alone. At the temp agency, the lady I was dealing with could not check my ID to verify that it wasn't forged so I needed to either wait or come back in an hour. I decided that was a good reason to go eat Chineese. (Ah the time when Chineese knew its day are past. Chineese Wednesday may be gone forever. The Horror at the loss of schedule is overwhelming. NOT!) The food was good, the book I read while eating the food was good. Can't asked for much more than that. As I left the Chineese resteraunt I saw my son and his friend walking towards down town. I picked them up and gave them a ride to the Pizza Ranch. Then I slid back to the house planning to do I don't remember what, but ended up dealing with a visit from mom. It is very rare that I come away from an encounter with mom in a good mood. As a matter of fact, I had been IMing Aryon about my interview when mom walked in. I told him she was here and logged off. This evening he told me what his thoughts where when I said mom was here, "Oh great nows she is going to be pissy when I get home." And normally I would be. First Mom wanted to know if we had one side of the garage open for her. No, we do not. I explained that this spring I put things out there to sell. Not everything sold and I have not brought anything back in as I plan to have another garage sale sometime this fall. After she babbled about planning to sand and putty the truck before painting it until my eyes glazed over, she moved on to the meat of her visit. The building she is living in is redoing the heating and air system and apparently it is going to be very, very noisy. The people in charge of the building were concerned enough to have a tenent meeting and apparently warn them that it might hurt sensitive pets ears. I kindly didn't point out to my mother that her dog is deaf so it shouldn't matter. If she wants to come here daily for three weeks and sit in the back smoking, fine. I just told her that she had to police her cigerrette butts. I used a friend of my son's as an example instead of her, but she is the one who tosses them out windows or throws them on the ground if she thinks no one is watching. When my husband found out what mom wanted he just rolled his eyes. He is envisioning three weeks of listening to me complain every night when he comes home. But I am still enjoying my chuckle at mom. I think she had worked up a big argument to convince me, but I messed things up by saying yes off the bat. It must not have sunk in because after I said yes, she kept going with her argument. Then I said, "Mom I have already said yes." She had such a priceless look on her face. Kind of astounded and confused. Thankfully just about then my son called to get a ride back home from the Pizza Ranch. I was able to shoo her out the door, pick up the boys, stop to get my IDs and fill the car with gas before dropping them off at home and going to spend a very pleasant rest of the afternoon visiting my friend a few streets up. At the end of my visit, my friend sent me home with a arm full of cuccumbers. This lead to me volunteering to go to the store for milk so I could also pick up half and half to make cuccumber salad while Ayron made one of our favorite dishes. Maccaroni and cheese with tuna fish in it. I followed Alex's instructions to the letter, but my cuccumber salad still didn't taste as good as hers. Actually now that I think on it she added dill weed and mustard. I didn't, but I added onions for Aryon. I am getting closer and one day I will make a cuccumber salad as good as hers. This evening I gave Ayron the choice to make a coffee for me or go for a walk and the man messed with me good because he went and got his shoes for a walk. Normally I have to make walking dates with Alex. Thankfully, Tanner decided to walk well today on his leash. No fights, no pulling, no refusing to go in my way. Ayron picked the route and it lead us near where our son had football practice. So, me being me, I had to stop in just to razz him a tad. No more than five minutes giving him guff and we were on our way again. After we took the long way around I told Ayron that I needed to head home. My lower back and hip were starting to ache. I want to blame it on being recently ill, but the fact is my back end has made a pretty impressive and permenent impression in the couch from my almost continuous reading recently. Home we went. I expected Tanner to go right to sleep, but he had a good game of tug of war left in him. Dott in the meantime decided my shirt should not have buttons on it and she kept grabbing them in her teeth and trying to pull them off. And that folks was my day.... in a nutshell. What did you do today? |
| This story deals with molestation. Be warned before you continue reading…. My mother married my first stepfather when I was five. My young mind didn't understand exactly what was wrong, but I knew instinctively that it wasn't right for him to put my hand on a long extension against his leg and ask me what I thought I was holding -- during their wedding reception. I remember being uncomfortable when he started having me sit with him to look at pictures of nude people in porn magazines when we lived in Kentucky. I also have a vague memory of my mother telling him he shouldn't show me those pictures, but he didn't stop and she didn't protest very loudly. Then came the nights I woke up being touched, being forced to get up and touch him…. I can't remember what age I was when I finally tried to be brave--egged on by my step sister's cruel remarks to me because she, her brother and my brother all knew what was going on and blamed me-- I said if he didn't leave me alone I would tell my mother. A wrenched shoulder and death threat later, I went and did as I was bid. In my way, I repeatedly tried to seek help. I once told my christian school principle what happened, but swore her to secrecy. As an adult, I can understand that she should not have kept that secret, but she did and my life continued down a hellish path. My stepsister, stepbrother and brother were all jealous of me because I always got extra spending money for trips to the store, but that just reinforced in me my evilness. I had told one friend in school about my situation. And later when I wrote to her from Texas, I would say things like, "He has left me alone for a while now" and stuff like that. Vague, but informative too. After we moved to Texas, my stepsister got my mother all riled up about my step dad missing a day of work supposedly to meet with some woman then ran away back to New York and her mother because her father had attempted to feel her up once or twice. I think that by then she even had a little sympathy for my plight because when she complained to my mother about it, my mother said she should have known better than to hang out with her dad and his friends when they were doing drugs…. Then the fateful day came less than a week later. My 'oblivious' mother 'found' a crumpled up letter I started writing to my friend back in Kentucky. It said something like, "He hasn't bothered me lately, but the guy who drove with us to Texas did such and such…." Mom asked me what the letter meant and I was so scared I couldn't tell her at first. Finally, I owned up to what my stepfather had been doing. I felt so guilty, like somehow it was all my fault. We packed up while he was at work and left. We moved in with a friend of my mother's from her latest job. The woman had two dogs that peed everywhere. My brother and I had the 'pleasure' of sleeping on said floor in the bedroom while mom took the bed. It seemed like heaven to me. I started the third school of that year. It was huge and confusing and I had no idea what I was doing. Almost immediately I was pulled into a counselor's office for wearing a bright yellow shirt left for me by my stepsister with "Don't touch" printed across my breasts. That may have been a miracle of God's gentle touch or a chaotic coincidence, but it would prove to be a saving grace in the weeks to come. In all the schools I had been in and I had been in a few, I had never met a counselor before and in my mind all principles were good for where giving whacks. A week or two later I started getting perverted phone calls and I knew it was him even when he whispered to try and hide his voice. Then he moved in with our land lady's stepson next door. By then we were living in a trailer mom's friend had bought and put in behind hers specifically for us. Mom had moved a high school friend, her boyfriend and toddler son in with us. After He moved in next door mom asked if I would be willing to move back in with him if she promised he would never touch me again. Then I was accused of saying bad things to him and finally I was accused of making everything up. I was terrified. I never forgot the night he threatened to kill me if I ever told. I have to insert here that in Kentucky we had a gun wall. One whole wall in our house was covered with his different guns. I watched him kill kittens because their mother, unable to get out of the house, pooped on the floor. He used the kittens for target practice even after he realized he had missed the mother cat when he shot at her the first time. I believed he would kill me. My mother wanted me to go back to that. The next day after they had all ganged up on me I went to school and sought out that counselor and told her what was happening. I could wish she had just removed me from the house then and there, but she sent me home with a message for my mother that if she didn't meet with her immediately I would be removed. He refused to come because he said I had already biased the woman against him. We were then sent to another woman psychiatrist who told my mother at the end of the session after speaking to me, mom and him that I could not make up some of the things I described unless I had actually seen things I shouldn't have. With the threat of police involvement, he slunk away. Mom quickly hooked up with the man who was to be my second stepfather and we moved again. After a couple of sessions with the psychiatrist mom decided they weren't worth the money. Several months later I stole mom's car and ran away with a friend and her dog trying to escape mommy dearest newest form of punishment -- several weeks of silent treatment for my doing just what the psychiatrist warned her I would do --seek love from others through sex because of what had happened to me--we moved again. Life almost became normal then for a few years. But always to some extent I was fearful that he would seek me out and kill me like he promised. It was so ingrained that when mom and stepdad number two divorced and we moved to Florida I began calling myself by my middle name. For several years Renae was dead and Lee was in charge. Through many more trials and troubles I grew into young adulthood. Joined the army, met my husband to be, married and we had children of our own. Through it all the abuse followed and shaped me. I would not let a man other than my husband be with my kids alone until my oldest was four. Even then I drilled my children on not letting a man touch them. To tell any person who tried they would tell me. Yes, that did come back to embarrass the heck out of me, but not enough to make the fear go away. Slowly through the love of my husband and his patience with my many quirks, normalcy entered my life. It took a long time and I am so thankful for my husband's patience and understanding. I do not believe that he truly understood what kind of mess he was getting when he asked me to marry him. It took years for me to learn to talk to, not yell at him. He had to put up with my irrational fears. Though he never did anything to give me reason to believe he would hit me, I often threatened that if he did I would wait till he was sleeping and get him with a rolling pin or cast iron skillet, neither of which entered the house for years. All of this was residue of my youth. All brought on by a man some would say was sick, but who I say was evil. Because of my husband's love, I was eventually with time able to escape most of the damage done by a selfish man seeking to control others through abuse and threats, so many others don't. And that was the last thrust of his evil, one that clung to me until yesterday when I learned he was dead. I was eleven or twelve when mom left him. I had told a counselor about the abuse, but no one told the police. Charges weren't filed. I suspect I am like many other victims who adjust to what happened and once it is over accept as normal or something that doesn't matter. I may be completely wrong. I never joined a support group or sought any more counseling. I just am. I thought that by refusing to acknowledge him or what he did, I took away his power, I know I was wrong , but by the time I realized I wanted to stop him from hurting others, I didn't know where to start or how. So, I did nothing. Yesterday, my mother called and told me that she learned he was dead. A weight lifted. I barely ever thought of this man in the last ten years. I thought I had left all of that behind me. I may have been wrong. At first, I didn't feel anything. I had told myself that he meant nothing to me. But as the day went on I realized I was feeling a relief. He was gone, he would never be able to hurt me or mine. And I could quit worrying about him hurting others and it being my fault for not finding a way to stop him. I don't know when he died and I don't think I really care. August 11'th 2011 will always be the day an evil died for me. |
| I learned a new term today. Fluffer. My husband and I were watching "Six Feet Under" an HBO series about a family in the undertaking business. It starts off with the father dieing. This forces the second son, who had left the business to return. He and his brother must now run the business, while mom and younger sister deal with other issues. One of the episodes I watched tonight had a porn star die. One of the mourners said she was the best fluffer he had ever met. I was thinking someone who arranges the hair down there. I was wrong. And, of course, my husband, man of much useless information knew. Apparently a fluffer is the person hired to keep men aroused for his scenes. I looked it up on wikipedia and my husband knew what he was talking about. My question is why did my husband know that little bit of info? I mean, I have known for years that he has been a closet geek since he learned to read, but do they put those definitions in encyclopedias, dictionaries? In other news: Starting Tuesday I made the extra effort of dressing professional with intentions of getting out of the house to go to the new temp agency in town, Doherty Staffing. As I have mentioned more than some may prefer to read. I have been a little slow and sluggish the last two weeks, but improving daily. Monday, I had gotten up and dressed, added make up, but hadn't made it out of the house when a friend of my son's called and asked him if he wanted to do some work to earn extra cash. Yes, he did. He and the car disappeared for the rest of the day. Wednesday I again got up late. I had planned to get up early, but as I wrote yesterday the sleeping situation was to perfect to ruin at such an early hour. I took my time getting around, but when I did I intended to walk to where my son was working and take the car from there. Luckily I saw Kyle's boss before I reached where I would turn to go to my friend, Alex's house. He told me to wait there and he would send my son our way. I say luckily because the way my son described his location it was just a couple of blocks away. The reality was much farther than that. After retrieving my car, I stopped at the local Casey's to get some information for references from a friend there. I headed off to find the new temp agency. Here is where I need to point out the town only has three short streets with businesses on them and I know where most of them are by heart. I slowly drove through town twice and couldn't find the place. I stopped back at Casey's to embarrassingly ask if they knew. The two cashiers didn't have a clue. One said I already knew more than her because she hadn't known there was a temp agency in town. I decided to make one more pass through town and there it was. And if I had blinked I would have missed it. The sign on the door was tiny.  It wasn't surprising I had missed the darn place. Just a month before it had been a butcher shop, before that an artist studio. I checked the hair, the make up and made sure my shirt was straight and no bra straps were showing. Then entered the building prepared for a long stay and the filling out of many forms. Two women sat at desks facing the door. Which should I go too? I watched both looking for a sign, when one made eye contact. I stepped towards her with a smile. "I am here to fill out an application for TSE" That's when I hear, "First you need to fill out an online application. Most people like to do it from home where they have access to all their information." I was handed a card. "Fill out the application and we will call you if we want to interview you." Face Palm!!! Three days I spent trying to get myself together to go there and all I had to do was pull the application up on the internet. What could I do. I thanked her politely and went home. I pulled the application up and started filling it out. When it said I could upload a resume, I made a new one and uploaded it. Today about 1pm I got a call. I have an interview next Tuesday. Easy peasy, but I found the Renae way to make it much harder than it had to be. Oh, did I mention I won the powerball yesterday? Yep, I won a whopping $3.00. Someone from Minnesota really did win the jackpot. It was over 220 million dollars. I hope more than one person won. I am off to read some. Have a great night. Hugs |
After a week of wondering if I would ever have the strength to do my chores or much of anything else, I started feeling better Sunday afternoon. I found I still needed a nap Monday and Tuesday, but the feeling that my arms and legs were made of jelly was fading. So, what did I do yesterday (Tuesday). I pulled my weed wacker from the garage and proceeded to weed what my garden area for over an hour. Now and intellegent person would stop there. I never claimed to be overly intellegent -- thought, but never said it.  Yesterday I also made arrangments with my friend, Alex, to walk our local bike trail. It was just her me and the dogs. Not children. I loved it. My body not so much. Apparently, though my mind was thrilled with enjoying the beautiful sun set we experienced, the rest of my body decided to protest. Even before I returned home my legs ached a little. No biggie, right? I had been inactive for a week. When I arrived back at the house, I decided to have a snack of chips and salsa. I settled in on the couch with my late night snack and the book I am reading currently "Lord of Thunder". When I tried to stand to refill my coolaid. My legs expressed their displeasure very loudly and very painfully. Hmmm....maybe weed whacking for over an hour and then taking an equally long walk hadn't been such a great idea.... I collected up my nightly meds since I was up getting my coolaid and added two advil to the mound. After gulping down my nightly mouthful of drugs I went back to the couch to read some more. Within a half hour I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, which was just as well as I planned to get up at seven this morning. Because of the beautiful weather I discovered on my walk, Ayron and I had opened all the window in the house to let in the cool night air. By the time I snuggled into bed our room was down to about 60 degrees. Wonderful sleeping weather. Or it should have been. From the get go my hip began to protest. GRRRR I was properly tired, the bedroom was beautifully cool and I couldn't go to sleep because my hip hurt. After a bit of tossing and turning I finally fell asleep. I know that some time in the night I got up and took more ibprofen and slept better the second time around, but when seven o'clock came I was not ready to get up. I sent my son on to work and told him I would come get the car later. It is now three hours later and I am just now starting on my second coffee of the day. I don't mind the late start, I am just a little frustrated with the body. I know that if I want it to work properly for me, I need to treat it nice, but some days.... As I have been sitting here typing away Tanner has been his usual busy self. He has brought several toys under the computer desk and is now in the laundry room whining at Dott who is kind of hiding under a dresser in there. I am not exactly sure what game they are playing, but they are playing a game. However, if Dott catches me watching she will stop and walk away like nothing was happening. Ayron pointed that out to me yesterday. Here I thought that Dott was completely fed up with Tanner when in fact they are still playing. The difference is that Dott likes to taunt Tanner. I never noticed that before. Dott now tends to follow Tanner into a room then jump up where he can't reach her and just sit. It is the same thing with her being under the dresser. She controls the space and won't let Tanner in. That leave him pawing at the ground whining because he knows if he comes to close she will pop him one. I guess it is time to finish up my coffee and get ready to go out and face the world again today. |
| Wow Thirteen days and not a word from me. I know that isn't the longest I have stayed away, but it quite an amount of time considering I purposely renewed my account here to blog. What have I done in the last 13 days? Not a whole heck of a lot. This seems to be one of my lost summers. I don't want to come off as all down and depressed because I am not, though I have had a week or two recently thinking I just might be. To drag you all into the woes of Renae. Last Monday I went in for my quarterly blood drawing and sighing from the doctor. The sighing comes because he doesn't like my A1c numbers. I am diabetic. Now before you start feeling sorry for me, I am actually in some ways possibly more healthy than a large percentage of Americans. Remember those quarterly doctor visits. Since about 2001. The doctors or in my case doctor has stayed on top of not only my blood sugar levels, but also my cholesterol, blood pressure, feet and eyes. If I seriously go off course, medicines are adjusted to keep me in the healthy range. Also my diabetes was caught early and it is type two meaning it is non insulin dependent at this time. No shots. This last visit we discovered another problem. I am anemic and to top it off I had a sinus infection. I guess if I am going to get sick, I am going to do it right. The anemic diagnosis was not a shock as I had myself tested a while back for that because of some other issues I was dealing with at the time. I thought I could get by taking the iron pills only about one week a month. I found out Monday that was not the case. The final result was me barely able to move for about a week. But as I said with a few tweaks of the meds I am becoming my normal obnoxious self. Just ask my husband who I have IMed about a hundred times today. Now that I am starting to feel like a 'real' girl once more, I have decided that sitting home staring at my non garden spot is just too depressing after two months and I am trying to psyc myself up to going to the temp agency here in town and putting in an application for a job. What is stopping me. Well, today it is the lack of a car. My son took it to go help shingle a house. I could walk downtown, but I don't want to push my luck after the week I just had. (yeah, I know, "do I want a little cheese with my whine?" On the Tanner front. My little snot bubble has discovered new powers of mischief. He has discovered he can jump up into my computer chair and reach new and exciting things to chew on the printer and computer desk. I caught him with my VO5 just a bit ago. He is now in the laundry room sulking because I took it away from him. Yesterday, Ayron caught him trying to sneak my necowafers of the end table. He just isn't having much luck with his miscief these days. In the mean time he is driving Dott crazy. I am sure if she could speak human, she would ask me just what in the heck was I thinking bringing that dog into the house. I know that I said I expected them to become fast friends. And I am sure that in a year when Tanner settles down both he and Dott with have a few chuckles over how obnoxious he was as a puppy, but at the moment Dott isn't seeing the funny side to Tanner's pranks. I kid you not...Tanner gets behind Dott and barks just to see her jump. He chases her accross the kitchen until she can jump on something he can't and he doesn't take no for an answer when he tries to get Dott to play. Anymore swatting isn't a deterent. He takes the hits and asks for more. I wonder if I should fear for my life? Do you think Dott will decide to smoother me in my sleep? LOL |
| Tanner is a very busy dog. Today he decided that he needed to rearrange things in the house. First, he pulled out several of my unmentionables from the dirty laundry, then he shredded what paper he could find and finally he decided that the towel I had on the floor in the bathroom needed to be in the kitchen. How did I take all this? Calmly. He is a puppy and though I do attempt to correct him when I catch him in the act, I know yelling at him after the fact doesn't help. I think I was stricter with Sasha and I read that people tend to be more lenient with smaller dogs. I am not being more lenient, I just have a harder time catching him in the act. You would think a smaller dog having a smaller brain wouldn't be so sneaky, but Tanner is a smart one. I know he isn't trying to do wrong, he just likes to play and that helps me not get so angry at him when he does things like turn my crochet thread into a massive bundle of knots. Instead, I look at the mess as a puzzle for me to solve even if it does keep me up to three in the morning. (yes, that really happened the night before last) News on the Dott and Tanner front isn't so happy right now. Tanner has annoyed Dott to the point where she doesn't want to play any more. It is just easier for her to smack him but good a couple of times before stalking off to sulk because I brought such an annoyance into the house. Tanner, on the other hand, is clueless. All he wants to do is play with Dott. Bite her tail, jump on her, or sneak up behind her and bark to see how high she will jump. In his little mind, her smacks and hissing just mean, "do it again." That is okay because the universes' real revenge will come when his is five or six years old and I bring the next kitten into the house and all it wants to do is play with him. That is the cycle of life. LOL |
| Have you ever looked back and compared the you of say twenty years ago with the you of now. Last night I went down the mental pathway looking, searching for I don't know what. These last several months have been very up in the air with worries about losing the house and my deep, deep desire for some kind of change. It reminded me of what it was like about twenty years ago. Around that time, we had moved in with Ayron's parents, and then rented an apartment of our own. Ayron decided he didn't like the large college in St. Paul. He tried a smaller two-year college then within a year, we moved to the Mankato area where he finally settled into comfortable schooling at the Mankato State College. During this time, I struggled to bring home enough money to make ends meet because I knew his going to college would pay off in the end and it was worth the sacrifice. But, the last year of his college career I felt like I was locked in limbo just waiting and I was so tired. What I didn't know at first was I was sinking deeper and deeper into a depression I had been fighting since I was sixteen. Something finally snapped in me and I had to seek help after the birth of my second child. Amazingly, on the first try we found a medicine that did work for me, when all too often people who suffer depression have to go through months more of trial and error to find a drug or combination that works for them. My newfound meds did help me cope with life, but it didn't completely take away the feeling of being in limbo. Only Ayron's graduating from college could do that. How does feeling in limbo then relate to now? I feel the same way once again. I am once again waiting for my life to take off. It isn't the exact same. This time I am ready to move on to a new freedom. My youngest child is five months away from being eighteen and less than a year from graduating. I am excited about the new freedoms that await me. A freedom to move or not based on what the husband and I want without concerns about the children. Selfish? Maybe. Liberating? Yes. Don't get me wrong. I love my children very much and I would sacrifice myself for them if need be, but the heavy burden of teaching them right from wrong and being responsible for their every move is slipping away and it is something I am ready to let go of. I am ready to let go of the worries of how to get school clothes and supplies, how to pay for school lunches or if I am providing enough. After one son leaving the house only to come back twice, I am aware that my responsibilities don't end when my youngest turns eighteen, but they change. Enough of the melodrama! Last night after we blocked off the kitchen Tanner had a doggy tantrum. I went to pick him up and put him in his kennel and he hid under my computer desk. I used my back scratcher to nudge him out from under there and you would have thought I was killing the dog. (See my eyes roll) I finally reached under to pick him up and he tried to nip me. A little dog ended up on his back in the submissive position quick and in a hurry. Please be aware I did not hurt him. I may have frightened him, but he was having a puppy tantrum at not getting his way. I put him in his kennel and I am guessing the upset and failure to get his way was enough that he settled down and went right to sleep. I, on the other hand, spent a good hour feeling like the worst dog owner on the planet. Then this morning I read in my Dr. Jon letter about how dogs can and do deceive their owners. They also have the potential to count to 5, can have the intelligence of a two or three year old and can learn up to 150 words. That information shined a new light on my interaction with Tanner. It reminded me of the phase both my boys went through from ages five to ten. If they felt guilty about something, they would cringe in fear as if expecting a beating when we came near (usually in public). It was so embarrassing to Ayron and I as we did not go around hitting our children willy nilly. We like to believe we were enlightened parents and we practice the discipline of the lecture first, spank only if that failed. (I am against grounding as I feel it punishes the parents more than the children). What I believe now is that Tanner knew in his little doggie brain that he was misbehaving, so he expected punishment and therefore my efforts to get him from under my desk seemed far more sinister than they were. Of course, I could be full of an extra dose of brown stinky stuff, but it wouldn't be the first time. Today Tanner is back to the happy go lucky dog he usually is and I am less concerned that I have made him hate me forever. So, I am off to renew a book my son hasn't finished reading from the library and maybe I will even get to working on my book….. |
| I sit here typing away as I am guarded by my fearless dog (not) and loving cat (when she wants to be). When I renewed my account, my intentions were to blog every day. I was very gun hoe about it. Then I mentally dropped into a deep dark hole and wallowed in the mud. This is not me seeking sympathy. I am just relating my state of mind. Everyone is being affected to some extent by this down turn in the economy and my household is definitely not exempt. With all the lay offs over the last several years. Ayron and I can't catch up much less get ahead. We are waiting for the BIG shoe to drop and the last couple of days I needed to zone out of the situation. So, I watched some TV and slept a lot. I am climbing back out now and hope to be more like my normal cheerful self tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me. I find it amazing how low a person (me) can feel when something beyond their control slaps them in the face. We are in the process of loosing the house because Ayron keeps getting laid off. Never mind that at one point he was working three jobs trying to catch us up and get us ahead. Yes, I was working a job too. Even our son works a few hours every week to earn his own spending money. It is not like we are out spending lots of money or buying nice things all the time. We aren't. And Ayron makes pretty good money. We just messed ourselves over when we bought this house and there is no getting out of it apparently. I am sure there are some trustworthy realtors out there, but my experience, limited as it is, is that they aren't. I think the realtor said what was necessary to make the sale and I was so excited about owning my first home that I didn't check things like I should have. Bad me. Supposedly there is supposed to be help for people like us who have fought to make our payments, but because of the recession can't. But when I tried to get a program from out mortgage company all I got were lies and smoke screens. If anyone else told this story I wouldn't believe them so I will understand if you don't believe me when I say, "I called Chase and said I wanted help to get on the program that I know they have available." The man I talked to was very polite, he took my information and said I qualified for a program. My paperwork would be sent within two weeks. Well, the only paperwork I have received is a threat of foreclosure. Looking back I know I screwed up because normally with calls like this you get some kind of verification number. I never did and it took me a while to figure out something wasn't right. I know I should keep fighting, but I have to say I have had the Umph knocked out of me and I am not sure I can go another round. Part of me thinks I should erase this because it sounds like such a whine fest, but then again. I want to have a record of when this happened. I am trying to think of some good news to add. To brighten an otherwise dreary blog entry. It isn't necessarily cheery, but I finished watching "The Charmed Ones" and I finally got to see the "Farscape" movie. It wrapped up the loose ends okay. I didn't like seeing Dargo die, but I think it may have been a way of them saying "no more". Just not a whole lot happening this week. The heat got to me on Tuesday when I went to do laundry and I have been hiding inside since...Well, till this morning. I took Tanner out in the back yard and let him run around. The joy he gets from that simple pleasure makes me smile. His ears back against his head and the doggie smile on his face reminds me of how I always felt sure I was so much faster in a new pair of shoes. Oh, and Dott has upped her game of "Smack the Puppy" She now likes to sit on one side of the doggie/kittie door or the other and wait for Tanner to try and get through. He will sit there and whine and whimper because he knows the minute he tries to go through she is going to whack him sans her claws. And she does. Not that I can blame Dott for her bit of humor because he is as bad as any younger child tormenting an older sibling. I can't tell you how many times Dott has been contentedly laying somewhere enjoying a nap or a tummy rub only to have Tanner come up behind her and bark to startle her. Still, I think they do like each other in their own special ways. That is/was the ticket. I feel better just writing about Dott and Tanner's silliness. Pets do serve a purpose. At least for me. |
| Sleep, Sweet Slumber, Pull me tight into your embrace through the night as the hours race. Dreams, Vivid and true play stories amassed in a ghostly hue from memories past Um, yeah, I have been really tired the last couple of days. I go through phases like this. I am not really fond of them and I know I should fight them harder, but sometimes I am weak and I give in and take the naps and sleep longer than I should. I know I should fight harder, but sometimes I just don't have it in me. I will say this. When I do end up in one of my phases and can actually give in and sleep, I dream very vividly. Sometimes the dreams are so strong I want to go back to sleep and recapture them. Unfortunately, that is not how dreaming works, at least not for me. Auntynae  |
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