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 |  All about my thoughts. Be afraid! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I know I look a bit scary, but I don't bite, much  This is my blog. A place to torture people I don't know with rants, opinoins and just plain babbling so I can keep a few friends in the real world. If you like torture, come join me. Fix a cup of tea or coffee and sit back while I tell you about the time when.... |
Too many days have gone by since the last time I visited here. I wish I could say it was because I was doing many great things or making great strides in my writing, but that is not the case. For the last week or so, I have felt like my life sucks rotten eggs. And I thought to myself who wants to read about my life sucking. I know I wouldn't want to read it in someone elses blog. Well, at least not day after day after day.... So, I have saved up the suckiness and will put it in this blog in a (hopefully) shortened version. What do I feel sucks about my life? 1) We have no money to speak of: Ayron has been laid off since the beginning of February and what little funds we had set back have dwindled away. 2) The urge to be anywhere, but where I am is on me again. I so want to move to a farm or an acreage and do my thing -- it feels like it will never happen -- yes I know that I only have to make it till June of 2012 and I won't have to worry about anyone but Ayron and myself when we finally try to make the move, but the one more year feels like an eternity. And I know that thinking that just because the boys are grown gives me freedom from them is an allusion. I am still very attached to my oldest son and will be to my youngest too. Moving away from them may be more than I can bring myself to do. 3) Work is sucking big time for me. Yes, I know I should just get another job, but I live in a little dinky town where jobs that I can do are scarce. 4) Because of the situation at work I find that I am being petty, in my eyes, to defend myself from the pettiness of others. (Does that make sense?) Example, I had to let dishes set in the Activity room sink for a whole week to get it through my new boss's head that I am not her maid. And I only did that after several months of cleaning up after her. She has as much as said that she has more important things to do than clean up after herself. Recently she informed me that paperwork was her job and she was upset with me for doing things on her 'To do' list. (I am paraphrasing here) 5) There must be a five. All good lists as I have seen have five things in them. My fifth complaint is a culmination of the other four. Because of one through four I am completely miserable and I want to run far away from all my problems and just hide somewhere. And then I want Ayron to stand up and fix everything by finding a new better job than what he has. Heck I want to find a new and better job than what I have. I want the difficulties of life to let up I want to enjoy the sunshine of spring in a beautiful place that I can call home for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think this place where I am at is it, but other times I believe there is someplace else that will be it. I know that happiness cannot truly be found from without, it must be sought from within and most of the time I have very good maps to the happiness within, but for about the last month my maps has been misplaced. I am hoping that with the end of the snow and the beginning of spring I will find my happy map once more and be able to write happy, cheerful blogs again. In the meantime, don't take me too seriously, I have learned not too. Hugs to all Auntynae  |
| Finally the snow is beginning to melt. Woot Seeing the brown grass peek out from under the snow is a beautiful sight to my eyes. These last weeks of winter have weighed extra heavily on me. I need spring to arrive and free me from the glummy days of unsatisfied existance. Maybe once I can escape the confines of the house and play in the garden once more, I will find my once cheerful disposition hiding in the soil of my garden. Till then I am off to bed to get some much needed rest. |
| I was shocked to get home at noon today and have a message from the clinic already. The nurse reached me at 1:30 and gave me good news. The stuff they removed turned out to be fibroid cysts. So, absolutely no cancer. Woot. That is my news for today. I wish I had more, but I have been a bit tired today and I may go to bed really, really early tonight as I have an extra long day tomorrow. Then I work 9:00 to 4:30 Friday. No rest for the wicked or weary. Have a great day or night, as the case may be. Hugs |
| I woke up at the unimpressive hour of 6:00 a.m. Had my husband not been there holding out a cup of coffee, I would have rolled back over and gone back to sleep. He didn't let me pull that trick this morning and I dragged myself from under the covers and drank my coffee while preparing for my shower. By 7:30 a.m. we were on the road with two hours to get to Sioux Falls, SD and the trip should only have taken and hour and a half. We pulled into the parking lot about ten minutes late because of the bad road conditions. I know the appropriate response to most "how are things doing" question is "Fine". But when they asked about the road conditions I told them that the roads were bad. We passed two vehicles in the ditch on the way there, so I felt it was safe to admit to that. When we got there, surprise, surprise, the info needed for my payment wasn't there and I was afraid we had made the trip for no reason. Thankfully after only five to ten minutes of calling around and the receptionist got the information she needed and assured me that I wasn't the one who made the mistake and my mood lifted right back up. Ayron and I were sent to the waiting room to wait, of course. No sooner had we sat down then a friendly person came to show us our way back to the more private waiting room. Two more friendly ladies, one a receptionist, I think and the other an RN came and explained things too me and asked if I had any questions or concerns. I warned them that I wasn't sure if I would numb up easy as I had dealt with that issue in the past. They promised to do the best they could and I believe they did a great job when I was numbed.After I changed the doctor came in and touched on the issues again. I asked her if Ayron could come and she said she preferred he stay in the waiting room. We were both fine with that, so he sat and read while I went to the room for the procedure. We had just gotten me comfortable on the table when a young lady came in and said that they were trying new software on the ultrasound machine in the next room and they were wondering I would consent to an examination. I said, "so you want me to be a guinea pig?" She smiled and said, "yes" I hopped up and went into the other room, I felt I almost owed them considering how unpleasant my last association with the hospital had been because of my mother. The ultrasound exam was completely painless but interesting. Instead of just a gray, black and white picture, this software added color. After ten or fifteen minutes of this exam I went back to the original room and we began. Up until I started getting the shots to numb me, I worried about how painful the procedure was going to be...Other that a tiny sting or pinching sensation, there was no discomfort. Once I was numbed they brought out the "NEEDLE" This thing was as long as my arm from elbow to wrist and about as big around as pencil. The doctor nicked the skin, but she said I had extra tough skin because she had enlarge the incision just a tad to get the needle in because my skin didn't want to stretch around the needle. I felt none of it. When the needle was in place the doctor said I would feel a vibration and I did. It was a weird feeling, but caused no discomfort. The semi cool part came at the end of the tissue removal. The doctor then inserted a little tag in each hole. The first one got a bow and the second one got a circle. Both tags were slightly larger than microscopic. At the very end before they did whatever it was they were going to do with the tissue sample they let me look at it. I had asked at the beginning to be shown. Yes, I am weird like that. After that, all that was left were two more mammogram pictures. That is when I got to see my new hardware, the circle and the bow. I got wrapped to keep the correct pressure on my breast for two days and a note telling Good Sam that I can't lift, push, carry or swing my arms vigorously for 48 hours. I was surprised to find myself quite tired afterwords. Ayron said, he suspects it was the relief of having this over. As much as I tried to tell myself I wasn't worried, I was, but mainly about how much it might hurt. I have been reassured twice by the doctors at the women's breast clinic that what I have is most likely benign. And though there is a small chance they are wrong, my thought is that they have enough experience to give a good guess about such things. I knew better than to ask for a guarantee, but I took them at their word. There is less stress that way. By the time we left the clinic at noon, the roads had cleared, so our trip home was much smoother. I slept most of the way. Let me end by saying that in every step today the women at the clinic were friendly, professional and compassionate. I want to thank them for the job they did. |
| Try to find the humor in this, I am. I know I have mentioned that I have had just about every medical test known to man done on my to ensure that my reproductive parts are working (don't get me started about the internal sonagram) and that my breasts are cancer free, all in the last month. Well, two lumps were found in my left breast after a series of mamagrams. (I was told not to worry, they are most likely fluid filled cysts) My left breast as been sqeezed and fondled in every direction it possibly could and I didn't even get a nice dinner out first.  The result is that I get to go back Tuesday and have them numb said breast and do a sonagram biopsy. They use a special sonagram device that somehow attatches a nice long needle and when they pinpoint the best place to poke, the doctor pokes. Then rinse and repeat. My left breast will come away basically in tact only looking more like a used pin coushen than when we started. I have thought that since it is going to be so well numbed maybe I should go for the gold and get it pierced....NOT Some may be saying, you have basically said all this before. Sorry.  I told you all that to get to the good part. I had a call from a nurse at the clinic verifying that I would actually show up and explaining that I was to have no Ibprofen or asprin from today on and that I should wear a comfotable sports bra, etc. because I have to wear it for at least twenty-four hours to help reduce bruising. She also said that I would be unable to lift, push, pull anything for 48 hours. Hmmm. I verified that I should take Wednesday off of work. The answer was yes.I called work and explained to my boss what I was told. Apparently I wasn't clear enough that I should not work Wednesday. She went to the uppermanagement and it was decided that I could come in Wednesday though I can do no physical activity. Really. How interesting.... Fine. I will go in... I am stuborn enough and I guess I can afford to shave a small sliver off my nose to spite my face, because if they are going to pay me to be miserable at work, I will do it. Cold compresses and all!!!  In other news: A resident asked me to make a hat for their granddaughter. I now need to get to a store that sells baby yarn and pick up some. I was going to try to go today then I realized that I could probably do it on the way home from the trip to become a pin coushin on Tuesday. I was assured that there would be major numbing for the proceedure and that one of the numbing agents will leave me unfeeling for a good 5 hours. Plenty of time to pick a couple of items, or point and have Ayron pick up a couple of items and get home before the pain kicks in.  In the meantime I have finished a pair of slippers and a hat for one of my son's friends and his girlfriend. Hat for him, slippers for her. Hopefully they both fit. That is my fun news for now. And if you didn't laugh at the beginning, go back imagine me with a big smile on my face and a laugh in my voice as I tell it. Hugs to all. |
| Yesterday felt like it was all about complaining. Today, I am hoping to write differently. My day has started off rather nicely. I woke up and found my husband on the phone talking to my brother and they were having a good conversation with lots of laughing on this side of the phone. It makes me feel really good to know my husband is becoming close with at least one person on my side of the family.... Not that he has a problem with them-- that is all me. I got myself together and went out to run a few errands and ate Chineese food too. I discovered that eating there once a week may be my limit. Things didn't taste quite as good today as they did yesterday. I returned home and Ayron and I took time to tease each other before he went out to get all the items I didn't get the first time... I don't drink milk...I didn't know we needed more....he took off to shop. As I was running around doing 'things' I started thinking of what I could write today. I came up with my apparent lack of observation.... I don't notice things as quickly as others, at least not all the time. An example would be when my friend Alex repainted her house. I don't know how often I went to her house before I said one day, "Did you paint?" Alex laughed at me and said, "Yeah, about six months ago." I may have noticed it before, but that was the day I noticed it and it stuck.... That got me to thinking about time... Me and time have an unusual relationship. I don't seem to grasp it as other people do. I know time is linear, but after about a twenty-four hour period what I did in the past tends to blur together. I can usually bunch thing that I did in the last week into what happened during that time, but if you want a time or a date things start getting tricky. And lord help you if you want to know what month I did something in in the last year because unless it made a major impression, I don't remember. Heck, even my monthly cycle surprises me when it shows up. I know it happens and that it will happen, but the exact day...I have no clue. I could ramble on more, but I have to head out to work. Have a wonderful day. Hugs to all.... |
| Yesterday felt like it was all about complaining. Today, I am hoping to write differently. My day has started off rather nicely. I woke up and found my husband on the phone talking to my brother and they were having a good conversation with lots of laughing on this side of the phone. It makes me feel really good to know my husband is becoming close with at least one person on my side of the family.... Not that he has a problem with them-- that is all me. I got myself together and went out to run a few errands and ate Chineese food too. I discovered that eating there once a week may be my limit. Things didn't taste quite as good today as they did yesterday. Once I returned home and Ayron and I took time to tease each other before he went out to get all the items I didn't get the first time... I don't drink milk...I didn't know we needed more....he took off to shop. As I was running around doing 'things' I started thinking of what I could write today. I came up with my apparent lack of observation.... I don't notice things as quickly as others, at least not all the time. An example would be when my friend Alex repainted her house. I don't know how often I went to her house before I said one day, "Did you paint?" Alex laughed at me and said, "Yeah, about six months ago." I may have noticed it before, but that was the day I noticed it and it stuck.... That got me to thinking about time... Me and time have an unusual relationship. I don't seem to grasp it as other people do. I know time is linear, but after about a twenty-four hour period what I did in the past tends to blur together. I can usually bunch thing that I did in the last week into what happened during that time, but if you want a time or a date things start getting tricky. And lord help you if you want to know what month I did something in in the last year because unless it made a major impression, I don't remember. Heck, even my monthly cycle surprises me when it shows up. I know it happens and that it will happen, but the exact day...I have no clue. I could ramble on more, but I have to head out to work. Have a wonderful day. Hugs to all.... |
| Isn't it amazing when a person lashes out at you for nothing you have done? That happened to me today. I surprised myself with my response. I kind of stiffened my backbone and gave as good as I got. Now I am not saying that is appropriate, but I have discovered that sometimes one has to stand up for themself. (This was a family matter, not work related) The hubby and I watched "Dinner For Schmucks". All I can say about that is, "Oh MY Word!!" In news of work: I overreacted to being hushed today. It was all me. Apparently a few residents have complained about people speaking too loudly in the hallways. I find that amazing as half of the residents have to wear hearing aids and there are some that are so deaf that you can hear their TVs down the hall, but I am just an underpaid person.... As the person I went to talk to worked at calming me down, I pointed out that this wasn't the first time I got shshed and it had actually happened once while I was attempting to talk to a person hard of hearing. Some of this is just plain unbelievable. It doesn't help that I have slight hearing loss myself and don't realize when I am being loud. I am kind of worried about tomorrow as I am afraid of how my temper tantrum and the discussion I had with the higher ups will affect my boss. It was mentioned that they would speak to her about getting information out... I didn't tell her this, but I bent over backward to point out how hard she is working and what a great job I think she is doing, but because she is younger than me and hasn't been at the facility as long as me, I feel uncomfortable about pointing some things out or being too blunt about it. One of the persons I spoke too, there were two, said they would speak to her about recording things better and that they wouldn't say I said anything. Um, hello! I am the only other person in the department, it would have to be me. So, I took the bull by the horns and told my boss about my blow up and said that if anyone spoke to her it was because of me... On to my medical news. A nurse from the clinic called Monday wanting to set up my biopsy ASAP. I told her that I would have to wait a month or two because of insurance and Ayron being laid off. The nurse said she knew of a program that would cover the cost. (color me shocked, there is something positive about turning over 40). I went and filled out the paperwork after work today. My appointment is set for next Tuesday. I asked for the one day I have off next week and thankfully I got an appointment for that day. Now, if only I can keep my sanity till then without another blow up or any other bad behavior on my part. I know life doesn't stay miserable and that you have to take the good days with the bad and I know that attitude matters. I am trying to be positive, but life just seems extra stressful right now. I hope that passes soon and I am sure things will definately start looking up when Ayron goes back to work. Well, I have babbled enough and I fear my blog is turning into a bit of a whine fest and that is not what I want it to be, but maybe if I write this down I can let go of whatever is weighing heavily on my and get back to a more cheerful disposition. Write on and Hugs to all. |
| So far this month, I have been poked, prodded, pinched, snipped, and clipped, all in the name of good health.... The results are that I am semi healthy and my uterus, at least, is cancer free. I need to get poked by a very long needle...TWICE...in my left breast to get the same clean bill of health for them. I thought that it would be done Friday, but that was not the case. So, now I play a waiting game. When Ayron goes back to work and his insurance re-kicks in, we will get this last test done and I shall be able to declare my healthiness for a year, at least. Work has gone to semi tolerable to insane, yet again. The wonderful coworker that my boss hired, found a better job and is done on Monday. I so don't want her to be done, but sometimes we don't get what we want. We got to go over and 'fix' mom's printer today. There was nothing actually wrong with it, but it "works" now....so......... I think it is a sign of the mundaneness of my life that being gone for a week or two, this is all I have to say. Thank you to the kind people who offered kind words this month. I didn't want to be worried, but the nature of the tests themselves made that not completely possible. Hugs to all. |
| I had set it firmly that I would not get another dog until December of this year. Well, life is conspiring to help me prove myself a fibber. My desire to get a dog is growing stronger as spring approaches. Ayron and I have even decided on the perfect dog to get. A chihuahua mix, Preferably and choodle. That is a a chihuahua, poodle mix. Mind you, that is the perfect mix,in my eyes at the moment, but I am willing to look at other small dogs. Personality is as important or more so than looks. I don't plan to have a dog tomorrow or even next week, but I have begun looking. It is my hope to turn my dog into a therapy dog. Time will tell. In other news. I get the weekend off -- thank goodness. It has been work and sleep, sleep and work for me this week. I must confess that in the evenings I have continued to run a low grade fever and exhaustion has been my companion all week. It has put a kink in my reading for the week and has left me with no energy to do much of anything else. I don't like being so tired constantly, but life isn't always about what we like. The warmer weather has the girls getting out and about to enjoy the sun. They have been very busy checking their yard for things to do and eat. BunBun on the other hand has stayed in her nest as much as possible these last few days. She is such a clean bunny and doesn't like getting dirty. It is so cute. Even if, heaven forbid, I couldn't get out to give her food for a week she would be fine. Her whole next is edible now. I bought alfalfa hay and added it a week back. She has snuggled right in and snacks on it as she chooses. I think she is in as close to bunny heaven as she can get. I may even get her a friend once everything melts. Not a guy friend. I don't need a 100 bunnies running about, but a girl friend she can talk with and be pals with. On the reading front, I think I may have over reached myself. I got on the computer and put in a request for a couple of books through the library. Well, they have all come basically at once and I am finding myself overwhelmed. I consider myself a good reader but one of the books I got is over 800 pages long and I don't think I can read it all in the time alotted. I think I am going to have to put it to the side for now and work of several smaller ones. Well, I have finished my first coffee of the day. It is time to make the second one, take my meds and get on with the day. Hugs to all. |
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