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 |  All about my thoughts. Be afraid! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I know I look a bit scary, but I don't bite, much  This is my blog. A place to torture people I don't know with rants, opinoins and just plain babbling so I can keep a few friends in the real world. If you like torture, come join me. Fix a cup of tea or coffee and sit back while I tell you about the time when.... |
| After a week of full on cold misery, I recovered enough to go back to work. However, my body isn't completely recovered. Of late, my schedule has been go to work, come home and nap. I then get up for an hour or three and go back to bed by 11 most night. Hopefully, my strength will come back soon. This being weak and tired all the time is for something other than me. There is really no news because I have done nothing exciting and don't have the strength of will at the moment to find humor in every day things. I, however, never give up and I never surrender -- when I do, I promtly forget that I had to keep a perfect record. -- I look forward to being the slightly off me that I usually am. Be well. Hugs |
| Normally when Ayron or I get sick it is back to back. One person gets it and then shares. This time around our son got it and shared with us equally. That lead to us both being pathetic at the same time. Ayron and I both agree that isn't supposed to happen... Now neither one of us is up to spoiling the other. So, here I sit, stuffy nose, low grade fever and sore throat wishing that the darn cold would just go away. On the other hand it does guarrantee a nice short blog because I have very very little energy to write. Anyway, I was laying on the couch trying to read a good book and ignore not feeling good when the phone rang. It was the mother of a friend of the family. She is signing up for a writing class and wanted to know if I would like to go with her on the 22nd. I said sure. I guess that means I get to go to my first real life community writing class. Oh and don't feel bad for me. Even though the hubby isn't up to spoiling me, the cats are making sure I have more than enough comfort. Giggle. And after this week I should be well ahead of my nap quota for the month. LOL Everyone else out there avoid the colds. Hugs |
| I am not a very private person, or maybe I am and I don't realize it. I keep next to no secrets. It is too hard. The only time I really keep my mouth shut is if someone tells me something in confidence and asks me not to say anything. Even about a year back when I had that misunderstanding with my exboss. I didn't break her confidence, but I did try to warn my Daughter-in-law that I didn't think she was going to get the job. In the end the person most hurt by that was me. Both the boss and the daughter-in-law blamed me for what had gone wrong and I just wanted to dig a whole and hide in it. So, I try not to tell other people's business, though I am not perfect and I am sure I fail at it quite often. So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, I wonder what I have a right to tell and what I don't. Friday my mother came to my house. She was white as a sheet and very confused. When she left I called my brother and then human services to see what I was to do. I knew that I needed to get her to a doctor, but wasn't sure she would cooperate. In the end human services told me to try and get her to the doctor. My brother, informed of the problem, continued on with his day. (in fairness to him, he lives in the Washington D.C. area and could do nothing but wait and worry) I went over to mother's house. She was sitting at her computer doing I don't know what and it took a good half hour of coaxing her to get her to the doctor. Finally I did. When we first arrived at the emergency room she was okay, but as she began to relax she became confused again and the ER nurse noted it. They tried to figure out what kind of meds she was on and how much, but couldn't trust her response because she kept fading in and out. I talked to her doctor privately and agreed that she should stay for observation, but warned him that she would not take that well. He went in and tried to be all authoritative with her. That went over like a lead balloon. Next thing I know she is dressed and trying to leave the hospital. I stopped her at the door and between my husband who I called and had rush up to the hospital and the nurse they were able to get her back to the emergency room, but then she decided she just had to have a cigerrette and went to the parking lot. I knew she was going to try to leave from there so I watched and waited. Sure enough. I tried to block her way and keep her from leaving, but unlike the door in the hospital, I couldn't block the whole parking lot. I eventually gave up and just walked down the road with her. The police finally showed up to find out what was going on. Unfortunately, without a hold from the doctor, which I thought we agreed she needed, the police couldn't do anything. In the end the police took her home and another officer gave me a ride back to the hospital. I didn't know what to do, so most likely did things wrong, because I told the receptionist that she had left and was refusing any more care. I went home and once again called the social worker. She thought mom was still at the hospital, when I told her she wasn't, she said she was calling up there to see what was what. And when I asked her what she thought I should do now, especially with mom mad at me. The social worker said give her space. So, I did. Saturday, Ayron and I got up and left the house around noon. We went shopping. When we returned there was a note from my son saying mother had called and she wanted her keys. Friday as she was walking back towards her apartment, she said I had spare keys. I told her that I didn't. She insisted I did, I insisted I didn't. In the end the police, according to her, found a spare key in her wallet in her purse. Well, Saturday she was calling aparrently quite upset, demanding that I return her keys. Ayron got the spare keys and darned if we didn't have a set of apartment keys. (I was sure we didn't) Well, I still needed to stop at Ace's to get Ayron some paste wax for the chainmail bags he has been working on. I decided returning her keys could wait till then. I was gone less than twenty minutes. When I got back Ayron said, "there is another message on the machine you should listen to it." Mom had attempted to call the police and dialed our number instead. She left a message all huffy requesting them to call her back. It gave me a chuckle that she dialed the wrong number, but I figured I had better get her the darn keys before I had the police over. I admit that I went to her apartment prepared for arguing. I have a lot of built up resentment towards her. I have spent years trying to convince myself that I have to forgive her for past wrongs and find a way to like her now, but in all honesty I can't stand to be in a room with her for any length of time without becoming angry with her. None of my immediate family wants to spend time with her, she wasn't even invited to my eldest son's wedding. (I tried to convince them to invite her, but it just created a wedge between my son, his fiance and me) When my father-in-law died, even my mother-in-law was relieved that mom didn't come. When I arrived at her apartment, she was sitting at a little table counting out her pills and visiting with her friend RM. I wasn't there five minutes parrying words back and forth with mom, when she decided to leave. I went there intending not to take any of her crap and to speak some truths according to me, to her. So, when she started out, calmly, that she knew that I did what I did Friday with her best interest in mind, but that she didn't like to be decieved while trying to give me a glare like she used to when I was a kid, the kind that left me waiting to be hit. I came back with, "Oh, it is not okay for me to lie, but it is okay for you to lie? Like saying you have been checking your blood twice daily when the darn meter doesn't even work or when you pretend to be more hurt than you really are to get people to do things for you?" She then switched to her next weapon of choice, guilt. With fake tears in her eyes, she accused me of not visiting or calling for three months at a time. I told her that I might go three weeks at a time without calling, but not three months and that quite frankly I didn't have to call or visit to know what she was doing especially when all I have to do is walk into an establishment and hear about her. And she was right I didn't like to come visit, mainly because I didn't like listening to her complain about how someone had done something to her, yet again. Somewhere in there we also talked about her pills because she wanted to know what the doctor had to say about her tests. I told her that I didn't know, she should call them on Monday and find out. I explained to her again that the reason the doctor wanted to keep her for observation was because she might have a UTI- urinary tract infection or she may have messed up her pills. And that may have been what was wrong with her. She took that to mean I was blaming her for what was wrong with her. (I know better than that. She is never at fault for anything she does or says, someone else is.) I told her no, but that at the hospital they had her down for taking 21 different drugs. She said no I don't, I only take 16. I very carefully explained to her about three times that she may only be taking 16 drugs, but the doctors have her down for prescriptions for 21. I don't know if that ever kicked in an made sense to her. I went on to explain that the doctor can write prescriptions for 21 drugs, but the phamisist (sp) is only going to fill the prescriptions she calls in. If she doesn't call in the pills, they don't know to fill them. Up till then the conversation seemed normal. Her speach wasn't as slurred as the day before and she seemed pretty lucid. When she went off on how she was abused by the doctors during her last angiplasty things took a turn for the weird. She then went off on a tangent about her doctor telling her that he was secretly perfecting a new non open heart stint bypass surgery. She got a look that was kind of scary and she just rambled. I just sat and listened in a kind of "oh my word, what the heck" kind of way. When she came back to herself and started complaining yet again about how they used a dirty catheter on her, I said abruptly that I had to go. And I left. I met the officer that we had talked to the day before going into the apartment build and I was leaving. I said a polite hello and babbled something abuot I had just taken mom her spare keys and had he seen her regular set, she said they were missing. He came back with that he was going to visit her now because she had called and asked to speak with him. (see me blush) I gave him a big smile and I may have even laughed as I said, "have fun, I just got done being regailed yet again with how they tortured her during her last surgery and how they used a dirty cathiter on her" He looked thoughtful for a moment and continued on his way while I went to the car. I spent the afternoon waiting for the police to come question me or something, but the drama lama had decided to take the rest of that day off. I can't imagine this story really reflect well on me, but I am at a loss as to what to do. The darn vulnerable adult laws make it my fault if something happens to her and I haven't done my best to protect her. But what do you do with someone who doesn't want the help you are willing to give? Oh, I know what she wants, but I am not going to be her best buddy and I am not going to win the greatest daughter award. I don't want too. I have made sure that she has proper housing, and medical. She has several friends and a dog. She is looked after. But instead of seeing what she has, she only sees what others won't do for her. Here is a secret I have this darn little voice that starts nagging me at about two weeks if I don't call and check on her. I have tried ignoring the little voice, but it won't stop. So about ever two weeks I call, I listen to her complain and after a few minutes I find a way to end the conversation if she is becoming annoying. Now I know that there are much better people out there that may be shocked by what I just said, but let me assure you, you don't know her or our past. If you did, you would be surprised that I still even speak to her. I did try and escape her when I was younger, first I ran away, then I got pregnant and went to live with my Aunt in New York, then I went into the military and figured I was free of her at last. Nope, she called and harrassed by first Sgt and Captain till they ordered me to call her. After my husband and I got married, we moved north because I figured his family had to be better than mine. When he finished college she laid the guilt trip on me that we needed to move to Florida because we had lived up north for six or seven years and now it was her turn. In less than a year we were moving back to Minnesota. Several years later after her last husband couldn't take being married to her any more, she started calling and complaining that she didn't have enough money to live on. Finally I got stupid and said that we couldn't afford to send her money but if it was that bad she could move in with us. Big mistake. I could go on, but I have written way too much for one blog and most of it is one big complaint. I would say I am sorry, but I need to get this out. I am okay if people don't agree with me. Heck, I don't want to agree with me. The Bible say, "Honor your father and your mother", but what do you do if you can't? What if you were born to people who lie, cheat, steal, cuss, and abuse others? How do you balance it out? If you know a secret about that, that I don't, please feel free to share. Until then, good night and sweet dreams. |
| It seems to me, a good time to revisit my life goals would be on a day like today when the book that is my life turns from page 41 to 42. As I write these words, I am trying to figure out what my goals are or should be. I know I want to write, but I haven't of late. I excused myself in December because I had many non -writing related projects to complete before January. Then January rolled around and still no writing. A lot of thinking about it, but no new word count. Then I got even more books on writing. Now I want to finish them before I continue trying to write, especially the one I am reading now "Characters, Emotion & Viewpoint" …It has some very good insights into writing that I half knew, but have become much clearer now that I have read about it. If I said, I wished I didn't have to work outside the home that would be incorrect. I need my time at work even when that time is frustrating, to organize and focus me. When left home with no taskmaster of any kind I accomplish very little. Where I used to scoff at lists and people who made them, I am turning into that kind of person. I need a list, I need to be able to look at it and see what needs doing, and I need the feeling of accomplishment that comes from marking things off. (Where did that need come from? I didn't have it five years ago, or at least not to any great degree.) With lists in mind, I am beginning one here where I will be accountable to someone or something. 1) I will read "Characters, Emotion & Viewpoint" and I will do the exercises involving the Mini-Bio sheets. I realized almost immediately that doing the Mini- This is my list of five. This is also my statement of __ --can't think of the word I want--something similar to proclamation of intent. (This is why I need to exercise more. The word I want is hiding behind an inactive brain cell giggling because I can't find it.) In the meantime, I am off to bed to get a good rest so that I can start fresh tomorrow. Hugs |
| Last night as I was crawling into my warm snuggly bed next to the hubby, he commmented on today being my birthday and asked if he was to acknowledge it or not. That may seem strange, but I am an inactive JW. What that means to me is that I haven't attended any meetings in about two years. I won't go into a long complicated explanation of the whys of things. I am just inactive. My reply to my husband's question was I needed no special celebration. That lead into discussing my age. My husband said, "How does it feel to be turning forty-three?" My indignant reply was, " I am only turning forty-two." We actually went back and forth on this for a minute with me telling him to subtract nine from eleven. Turns out I was right, of course. It seems my husband, the smart mathmatitian that he is subtracted wrong AGAIN. I have no idea how that man made it to such high levels of math in college when he can mix up 3X3 and 3+3 and now apparently can not subtract nine from eleven. I said that too him too. He really is quite good with math, it is just sometimes he mixes numbers the way I loose words. In the end we both had a good laugh and I passed out minutes later from exhaustion. So, there you have it. Yes, today I turned 42 and had a good if short story to tell about it. Do I feel different? No. Am I celebrating in any special way? No. But you can bet your bottom dollar I am going to go have my customary Wednesday Chineese Buffet. Yum. Unfortunately, instead of sitting here and boring people with my babbling I must away to the shower to prepare for the grueling three hours of work I am going to do to earn my lunch out. Oh and one last note. I learned last night at work that elderly people do not do good at playing hot potato to music. But they have no problem with a person making a complete fool out of themselves to attemt to entertain them by lip sinking. Yes, yes, I did make a fool out of myself last night. Have a great day and a good laugh. If you can laugh everything seems a tad better after. Hugs. |
| I went to a docotor's appointment today. It was of the femine kind. It seems that the nurses there have my number. I walked in and before they even did my vitals I was given another appointment card for the 'extreme torture'. I am of the impression that they didn't think I would willingly make an appointment on my own....they were right. The nurse told me that I would get my results in a day or six. She and the doctor said if there was anything of concern they would call me. Well, I came home and the husband must have gotten my second notice in the mail for me to renew my driver's license. My Birthday is on the second and that was when I had to have it renewed by. Yes, you can call me Mrs. Procrastination. Me being me, I jumped up, grabbed my overdue book -- I got a notice in my email today about them-- and dashed out the door. I made it with minutes to spare before closing and took care of that. Then I slipped and slid to the library to turn in most of my books and gather new ones. On returning home, there was a message on the answering machine for me to call the clinic. Hmm. If they had news already, the clinic was working overtime.... I called the clinic back. The nurse who called wasn't available, so I lift a message. I was settling down to try and get the number one score on a game I play on facebook when the phone rings. It is a doctor I know as a friend. He wanted to know what another doctor had used to treat my youngest son for a form of acne that is kind of rare. I went and found the info then asked if he had had a nurse call. No. Hmmm... back to playing facebook games. Right at five I get the call back. The nurse had gone and made another appointment for me. I have to go see a real live Gynochologist (sp) because of my issues. At the moment it isn't know what exactly is causing them, just that they exist. I am hoping it is a complication from diabetes, because the other choice is cancer. Ick! So, now I get to go to work tomorrow and ruin my bosses day by informing her that I have not one but two appointments that I can't get out of and both of them are scheduled on days that I work because the doctors that I need to deal with are not available on days I have off. Ain't life grand that way.  Before anyone gets overly concerned about the big C word. Yes, it runs in my family, but both my mother and my aunt caught it early enough to have hystorectomies and continue to live on many, many more years. I am not worried at this time, I was just being newsie. Must go to bed. Have to get up earlie tomorrow. Hugs. |
| I want to start by saying I have been popping in every day or so to check some blogs. I just haven't had it in me to write. The winter blues have hit and hit hard at my house. I must have shielded the rest of my family because I seem to be the only one suffering from the fallout. My body aches and all I want to do is sleep. That does not mean that I passivily gave in. I am fighting the winter blahs with all my feeble being. Yesterday, I forced myself to start cleaning and the momentum I built up kept me going for a good three hours. The side affect of that cleaning frenzy is that my youngest son now has no clue where half his stuff is. My answer to his plight, don't take off and leave me at home with a filthy room. Actually, in my defense, I lectured him not too very long ago about keeping his room cleaner. I got the "yeah, yeah" response of a kid who thinks the parent is over reacting. This time when I got done with his room, not only was it clean and organized, but I kind or rearranged also.  I will give my son credit for not coming home and complaining. That was smart of him, because I had been practice my lecture mentally for a couple of hours before he returned from his wrestling meet.My cleaning spree didn't end at the son's door, it continued into the living room and even the kitchen. I rearanged, many item and put quite a few things away. I even found the surface to my coffee table, which I oiled. On the writing front, I have bought three more books on writing. One would think that with all the books I have read, I would be able to write many great novels by now. Slowly, but surely I am getting there. It seems that as I am reading lately, new ideas for several of my started books have come up. I just haven't had the umph to follow through. Well, hello to anyone brave enough to read me. Know that I am stopping in and looking around. Be well. Hugs. |
I wrote a medium long blog this morning, clicked the save button and dashed out the door to work. This afternoon when I checked to see if I had any responses, I discovered that the blog did not save.  I am sure I wrote an update of life full of wit and wisdom, but then I forgot what I said. So, I shall start again from scratch.As a couple of blogs I read this morning have said, this month is indeed flying by. I am of the opinion that time is relative. The more fun a person has the faster time goes. The less fun a person has, the slower time goes. My theory usually plays out quite well, but this month it has left me slightly confused. I do not feel I have had a fun month, but the time is still rushing past. Maybe I need to add the age equation in also. I remember as a child time seemed to drag on as I waited for this or that thing to come to pass, but as I grew older time seemed to speed up and not just when I was having fun. I fear that at the rate things are going my time is going to be speeding so quickly at the end that I won't even notice life as it flies by. \ In other news. Work has taken a very stressful turn and not just for me. Our facility bases the hours people can work on the number of residents we have. Our numbers are down, so hours have been cut. Not so much the people in charge, but everyone else. Don't tell me stinky stuff doesn't roll down hill. Anyway, life is really unpleasant at work right now. More times than not two people are expected to do the work or three and of course it is the residents who suffer. My own story of annoyance has to do with a staff meeting that was manditory and arranged for two diffent times on Thursday. Now I was scheduled for the 1:30 one, but do to not feeling well and then my son getting released from school early because of high winds and low visability, I didn't make it. I also didn't call. bad me. I figured I would just make it up by watching a movie or some such, well then when I got my work all done and was thinking I would just go to the 3:30 one, I was informed by my boss that I could not. That miffed me because I was not given a reason as to why I could not go to the other meeting, just told I couldn't go. There is just a tad more to this. See, I showed up as scheduled for work on Tuesday only to have my boss say I wasn't needed till 1:30. She had meant to tell me, but forgot. Did I get mad or crank. No, I smiled and told her it was not big deal, I would go home and take a nap and come back to train the new girl --who I like a lot. And that is what I did. So, having my pleasantness returned with her need to control and manipulate left me irked. I stewed on this while wishing I could go home because I felt very brown and lumpy and stinky. I even had the nurse in the locked ward take my temperature which was running low. I had no fever. So, I stuck out the day and waited to get home to grump at the hubby. The hubby is a very smart man. When he got me home having already heard my complaint on the way, he gave me a loving kiss and told me he was going to let me have time to calm down. Then he went and hid in another room. Well, not hid, just made himself scarce. Today, I arrive at work to find that the dirty dishes she had not taken care of Thursday were still sitting in the sink waiting for someone else to take to the kitchen. Guess what? They will still be there Monday waiting on her to clean up her own mess. I have decided that I am not this woman's servant and I am not going to act like one. When I bake, I clean up after myself and she can darn well do the same. Hmmm, I had a momentary thought of erasing everything and starting over, but I decided, I experienced this during the week and this is my catch up blogs, so it will stay. In other-other news it was discovered that during the dead of winter my indoor cats have fleas. When I say they have fleas, one lone fleas was found on the belly of my youngest cat. All I can say is that the two older ones are probably still cussing him. I gave all three baths and went out to buy them new collars. Plus I have that stuff you put on the back of their necks. You think I am anti flea? I am very anti flea. Three sad wet cats skulked around the house for a good hour before they started drying out. By the time they were dry they had forgiven me for my horrid offense, well Bits and Dott had. Tibbles may be holding a grudge. He'll come back around by tomorrow. I can officially say I won the lottery. Yep. I got the powerball tonight. (thank you Sara for thinking those numbers with me) I won a whole $3.00. Well, there is always next week. So, there you have it. From Wednesday of last week till Friday of last week I was sick. My squiggly pooch was acting up again. My boss and I are somewhat at odds and I won three dollars. It would have been much more fun to win the 118 million dollars, but oh well. Have a great night or day as the case may be. Hugs |
| I have recovered from Tuesday well enough to try working tonight. Last night I felt even worse than Tuesday when I came home after work. I now know that though I was frustrated and reasonably so, I was also actually not feeling well from something other than stress. That being the case, it was easier to go back to work today. I am of the thought that even little things that go wrong when you are sick feel like very big things. That was Tuesday. Tuesday I told you about a "Duh Really" moment with my boss, well today I get to go the opposite way. The boss woman talked about what 'we' needed to do...Today she told me what she had done and an additional tweek she made to the programs. I told her I thought both ideas were wonderful and I do. I guess there may be hope for her after all (see me blush in embarrassment). She is doing what many of us want of our supervisors she is doing not talking. I have to give her credit for that. I also got to see the boss's face light up with relief when I double checked about me coming in on Saturday from 2-4 to help with the open house. I am more than willing to be helpful so long as I know I am appreciated. She is showing me that and I hope to be helpful and loyal in return. Well, it is getting time to head back to work. I am just home for dinner break. Have a good night. Hugs |
| Tonight when I left the nursing home I work at I wasn't sure if I was leaving a nursing home or a loony bin. It seemed like half the residents were having issues just before I left. It felt even worse because we are short staffed. The hours given each department are based on the number of residents in the facility. We have a few open rooms, so, we are down people to do the jobs properly. That equates to longer waits for residents that can comprehend how to turn on the light in their rooms when they need assistance. The others just lay in their beds hollering for help until someone goes by and hears them. Yesterday I came across such a situation. A resident didn't turn on her light, she just laid there hollering that she needed help. I went into her room and turned on her light and tried to explain to her that I could not help her. That is the last thing a resident wants to hear. I went to see if there were any C.N.A.s available. Apparently the C.N.A that finally made it in there found the woman trying to make it to the bathroom on her own. The situation did not end in a dignified way for the woman who had to wait too long. I felt horrible for her, but there are so many rules and if we break them, it is our jobs. If you try to explain that to a person who needs to get to the bathroom now! They do not understand or most don't. All they see is you are not helping them do what they need to do. I have heard the phrase over worked and underpaid… I am beginning to get first-hand knowledge of what that means. I am not even a C.N.A., the most abused workers (in my opinion), but I am find myself doing most of my work at a run or close to it. I did have a "Duh, Really?" moment today with my boss. She said that she had been printing out reports and went back two years more than she needed. 'She noticed that we did more documentation at that time then we have been doing now.' I was able to keep a straight face while she said we needed to work harder at recording things. I suspect that if she looked at what is recorded now, she would see a good 75% or possible more comes from me. I never see her record things and other than the activities that we do in groups, I didn't see my coworker recording things. I admit I have even slowed down in that department lately, but I can only do so much in a given time. The work environment there is so stressful right now that I come home and just collapse. I have nothing left in me to do projects or extra housework. Soon, I expect my head will explode. As I sit here feeling like a dirty, limp, rag -- I wonder what the point is? Why am I sticking it out when all the others were smart enough to bail? What am I blind too that they saw? Yes, I know I am being melodramatic at the moment, but it is a good moment to be that way… On the upside, tomorrow is a new day and maybe, just maybe it will go better than today. Hugs to all |
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