This poem popped up on the random Read and review page, so thought I'd give it a look.
This is actually a really good analogy.
All of these things relate to both love and snow. Good job.
Here are some things you might consider to tighten up your poem:
I wonder if you reversed that first line to read, "Love is a lot like snow", it might become a more interesting metaphor. I think the subject of your poem is Love, not so much snow, so I would mention it first. Maybe skip the word "snow in the second line? "When it begins..."
Don't be afraid to use the word "love" in place of "it". (not in every instance though, maybe sprinkle love throughout) It just reinforces the subject more.
Consider dropping the word "can" from your lines and see what you think. Often times, it helps your other words become stronger when you use your verb without helpers.
This cute little Limerick popped up on the Read and Review page. I love me a witty Limerick, especially one written correctly. This is well done with perfect rhythm and your rhymes are near perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. I gave some thought on those middle rhymes ... but really I couldn't come up with anything better, without destroying your poem.
I saw this pop up on the newsfeed and, of course, wanted to read about your journey on WDC.
I remember when you disappeared ... probably the second time. And I remember feeling bad that when you came back you had to start building your portfolio from the bottom up. Happy you are back, and glad your eyesight is good!
I hope you don't mind me reviewing this story for Schnujo's Reviewing Raffle. (trying to earn raffle tickets)
I'm sure there is much between the lines of this story, too much to write. Most of us have made WDC a second home and have had too many experiences to share them all. I like to think most of them good. What I like about this place is, you get out of it as much as you want to put into it.
"On the March eighteenth 2002" You might want to remove "the"
And maybe simplify that first line... something like ... "On March 18, 2002 I was holding a meeting for a group/club where I was the President. During a break, CountryMom, who was the secretary of the group, mentioned that she was writing poetry at Stories dot Com. ..."
"I was (some) proud..." Not sure, this could just be an expression you use ... or it could be a better word might be found.
"Again I (got) a problem..." The word, developed, might work better?
"...than she felt she could,(add comma) gave The Traditional Poetry(why not mention the group's name again?) Group back to me."
It's nice to hear people's stories on here. Thank you for sharing.
I saw this in the Writer's Cramp as I was reading all the entries, and just had to comment.
This is such a sweet, sweet tribute and well written.
I'm sorry for your loss. But how wonderful to open your mind to the fact that this event, her death, changed you and made you stronger. And, I'm so happy to hear you are still her little girl.
This popped up on the Read and Review page and since I'm trying to get in some extra reviewing for the birthday week, you now must put up with me, while I strain to find something to critique.
Wow, what a story! From the ass of a husband to stealing the baby. I mean, good for her for taking matters in her own hands. Can you imagine the complications if the authorities had been in charge. So by doing things her way, the baby has an uninterrupted life.
Something that I noticed in this writing is there are quite a few sentences of the same length. Using varying lengths, long and short, side by side creates more interesting reading.
Just going to mention also, you might think about varying sentence structure too. Another thing I noticed: I unhooked, I placed, I saw, I stopped, I pushed...
This poem popped up when I clicked 0n the Read and Review button today.
I like this light-hearted frolic with your plot bunnies. So, they are out multiplying like bunnies do, plotting new trails, running amuck through your original plan of action. Cute.
Is this a particular form of poetry? I notice the rhythm is strong and the rhyme scheme is in a pattern. I really like it! If it is form poetry, you might consider letting your reader know in a note below the poem.
I know that deciding to not use capital letters are a personal style choice, but I've always thought the use of punctuation and capital letters go hand in hand, and visa versa... Perhaps you might consider adding Caps or removing punctuation? Just a thought.
Thank you for sharing this fun poem. Good luck in all your writing endeavors and may they stay on track.
I dug through your port this morning and was amazed at the number of poems you have written. Although, given the many years you have been here, I shouldn't be. I just scrolled down and picked one at random, kind of like throwing a dart at a map. I'm glad it landed here.
I love this poem. I feel you have captured, so succinctly, the bittersweet emotions many of us felt when we ventured back out after the lockdown. Salted-caramel, opposing flavors, but still good in its own way.
What really grabbed me was the mention of snowflakes in May as part of the normal events of a typical morning. Yes, maybe in Montana, and sometimes here in Idaho we get a freak dusting of snow in the spring. So maybe what you are conveying is things are not quite normal after all.
The spacing of the lines at the end is perfect as if breaking away from normalcy, too. Good work!
Here to review your story. They are just my thoughts. Take what you will and throw the rest out.
This is a sweet love story, meeting, falling in love, beginning life together. You had some really great lines.
But then something happens to Lindsey. Here is where I wanted more. I wasn't satisfied with her vanishing without a trace. I needed some signs of what might have happened to her body.
I think the story could be cut back some, made tighter. IMO if you were going for a much longer story, then all the details and more are fine. But as a short story, you could remove a lot of the small details, lines that really don't push the story forward.
Something you might also consider working on, if you ever want to come back for revisions, is making the story flow with more "showing" and less "telling". If the reader can see something happening rather being told what happened, it just makes the story more interesting.
Good luck in the contest and happy writing for the future.
What a nice tribute to your loved ones. I like how your memories of those who have passed from your life are commemorated high on a mountain. Fitting.
Your heartfelt poem easily flowed with well written lines in aabb stanzas. Each stanza, full of poignant lines, I could almost feel your grief inside my own heart. But your words also makes one feel there is hope for serenity at the end of life.
Oh my word! What a great poem! It sounds to me like you've more than made up for not studying.
I definitely don't have a scientific type mind, so completely grasping the Schrödinger's Cat concept is not happening. But even so, this poem had so much to offer to the reader's imagination. Your descriptions are unique and stand out. I wanted to quote some of my favorite lines, but I'd be listing you whole poem, in that case, because I love it all. Great work.
So often when a poet writes without caps and punctuation, it doesn't work. But you did it flawlessly and I didn't even notice it until my second read.
So on another read I found a couple more things. Sorry, I'm kind of a perfectionist. I think you have a top-notch story there so I changed your rating.
You may want your title to be changed to "No, Mr. Bond". Or remove that comma it it is suppose to mean like no more Mr. Bond... but you should still use the period after Mr.
Here's one I missed: "...explain every important element of ones plans..." I find it interesting that possessive for it is "its", but possessive for "one" is one's. (had to look it up actually.)
After your comment about my story, I had to come check yours out.
Wow! This is a very well written tale of the goings on in the life of a vampire. I like how you painted the protagonist as a kind, gentle man. You make him very likable. (can you introduce us? Oh that's right, he's taken.) And as for the love interest, your early description of her did not give away the fact that she was ill. At least I didn't catch on.
I also like the ending. You leave it up to the reader's interpretation. Good job. Now, either you read a lot of vampire stories, or you did a lot of research, or you are a vampire yourself, in any case you seem to know a lot about them.
Thanks for sharing your story and good luck in the competition.
I don't understand what you are worried about, but now, after reading your story, I'm worried. Of course, it is all up to Jim, but I like to think our stories are quite equal in quality. Just different writing styles and different paranormal entities.
I found your story on the random Read and Review page. You write very well! An entertaining story with an ending that both surprised me and made me smile. Good job.
Here are a few punctuation fixes for you to consider:
Ego Mr Bond..., try adding a comma after "ego" and a period after Mr. Ego, Mr. Bond.
...as he addressed the spy, strapped into a chair Remove the comma.
"Ego," period instead of comma.
Of course they may be an element of sadism involved for some. I think you mean "there"?
...describe what they were going to do before getting on with, presumably it added to the terror. I think I might rephrase that somehow... before hand? Then consider making that last part a separate sentence.
As he spoke the man walked slowly comma after spoke
the man in the chair he addressed him It feels like a comma is needed after "chair".
but frankly another comma after "frankly"
one's 'lair', so close to one's own person. To take them into your confidence and give them time to plan." I'd end the first sentence at "lair" and maybe omit "so close to one's own person. I think it would be stronger without the redundancy?
so.. so banal add another dot ... yeah, I know, banal huh?
and that is why Mr Bond. I'd end that with ... to signify a continuation of thought to come.
That is why I shot you fatally directly you were brought in Maybe rephrase this to make more sense: "That is why I shot you when you were brought in"?
This poem came up on the random Read and Review page so I had to have a look of course. I don't know if I've ever reviewed you before but I have definitely read many of your poems and I know you to be a very good writer. This poem does not disappoint either. There is nothing I can suggest to improve your writing, but thought I'd let you know how much I enjoy it.
I stumbled on your poem through the random Read and Review page. Thought I'd take a look and see what it's all about. Good job with the Alphabet Poem. Twice even! And then in each line are more words beginning with that particular letter, as well. Impressive!
The title is very fitting, for after I read your poem, I thought to myself, This is about a really great mother who is well loved.
Some things you might consider, if you ever want to tweak your poem a bit, is try writing it in a child's voice throughout. You might even cut out some words that might not be in a child's vocabulary, such as "consummate".
Also in places, I found in your effort to use more words of a certain letter, it feels very forced. Most lines feel okay, but some ... not so much. I think you could remove some of those and not hurt your poem at all.
This came up on the random Read and Review page. After reading the first paragraph, I knew this was something I needed to read. Finding an article that is well written, educates me and also perhaps improve my writing is always a good discovery.
This is filled with such very good advice, and some great examples that helped clarify your statements. I'd not thought about each scene having a beginning middle and end. And also the advice of switching up positive and negative impact scenes is something I'd not thought of either. Good to know.
I just finished reading this fun little story, which I found on the random Read and Review page. I think it's very well written. I found so many great lines that made me smile and chuckle. So many I lost count. Your story is very relatable since I actually pictured myself doing a lot of the same things.
Too bad your daughter doesn't have a handy-man boyfriend she could call on. Maybe your sister could come to the rescue since I'm really kind of rooting for the triumph of the female gender.
Perhaps bring her into the story and definitely add some more humor. I love your sense of humor. Great job and thanks for sharing.
This piece popped up on the random Read and Review page.
Those are some powerful thoughts you have. Gave me much to ponder. Your 'sounds of silence' are definitely not silent within your mind, but they are to everybody else around you, which is a comfort. I certainly am glad nobody can hear the chaos in my head.
Writing is such a good way to get some of the noise out of your head. So keep writing.
I was skimming through the random Read and Review items when I spotted this. I was pleased to find your name pop up, because I know it will be worthwhile to read.
And I'm right. Holy Cow! This amazing example of prose poetry is so rich. The imagery is vivid and chilling.
Didn't get this line though: "No one has how." Is there a typo?
You poem popped up in the random read and review option. First off, welcome to Writing.com.
Your poem has much to say. These feelings you express are well known to many people, but you say it in a unique way. So good job. Writing is a good way to cope with feelings.
There are few things small things that could improve this piece and that would be punctuation and spelling.
I noticed first, the unneeded spaces inserted in front of commas. Then at the end, most definitely consider removing all the periods.
"reel" in line five is misspelled, and perhaps consider removing "Cause" or using an apostrophe —'cause — as a shortened version of "because". Also I suggest removing your last word "out" altogether.
Probably Will does not need to be capitalized.
I would consider placing each "Oh my heart" on separate lines for emphasis.
These are just my observations and suggestions. Feel free to use or discard.
I found this on the random Read and Review page. Kind of wished it was a bit longer. I see it's a fairly old item and if you're like me, revising probably won't happen. But in case you want to tweek it a bit, you might consider adding to or revising this line, "Pissing from the sky like God's overflowing toilet."
God's toilet puts an interesting image in my mind, but it might make more sense if there is piss falling from the sky... because God had a bad aim and missed the toilet. Then again... it could be clogged up and overflowing because of too much crap... in which case you could mention that.
Nice poem, Richard. I do forget we are a young nation but still, it's not like the rest of the world is any wiser for being older.
I like your optimism for learning from our mistakes. We can only hope and pray you're right.
That rhyme scheme seems like it should be a specific poetry form. Is it, or something you made up?
(So I read your post on the newsfeed and ran my mouse over it until I found something clickable and I was transported here!)
Just had to write and tell you I enjoyed your entry in the "Cramp" today. Good job with depicting the cat's evil side, where most probably would have portrayed a more sweet, quiet side. I have known cats with similar personalities and to tell the truth, trying to read a cat's thoughts and never quite knowing what's what with them, is what makes them so endearing to me.
You did a marvelous job putting words to a cat's typical demeanor. You must own a cat to know how one typically operates. Well done!
Ohhh hahaha. You had me going!
Hi Sumojo,
Found this on the Random Read and Review page and thought I'd give it a look.
Nice job with the building of fear.
Something I thought while reading was, if the "she" in the story had a name, would she then become more real, less shadow-like?
Also I thought a stronger set-up for such a short story would be to exchange the first two sentences. Start with her footsteps rather than his.
The rest flowed wonderfully down the page, building suspense with each line.
Loved the last line! Well done!
Thanks for sharing.
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