Greetings Adherennium.
Just dropping off a donation. When somebody here on WDC is as generous as you are to other members, I always wonder, "Have they won a lottery or could they actually use some extra gps."
Saw this on the newsfeed where your description caught my eye. I was pleased to see it entered in Lornda's Humorous Poetry Contest. I just entered one this evening.
By about the third stanza I had it figured out. Even so, I thoroughly enjoyed your humor. Well done! I started out suggesting punctuation, but heck...it's a style, your style, so never mind. Your rhythm and rhyme and line breaks are done so well, punctuation is not needed.
What can I say but you've got a winner here! Thanks for sharing.
Hi MF,
You requested a review so thought I'd have a look.
You really need to carefully read through this piece and try to clean it up a bit. The first thing I noticed is how it's presented. With an article this long, it can be overwhelming to see big chunks of writing without line breaks, maybe even possibly causing a reader to not finish reading. Perhaps add more line breaks between paragraphs.
There are inconsistencies in your font size. I can understand this if you are trying to draw attention to certain passages to make things stand out ... but there seems to be some areas of very tiny font, which for me doesn't work. It feels like a lot of copy/pasting happening.
I'd suggest at the beginning remove your name from the first line.
In the first paragraph there is unneeded repetition with the lines: "There are many ways...". Two lines later the same words again. Work on condensing.
After reading just a little here and a little there, I find I could not read the whole article as presented. Sorry.
This is a really good idea for a word search. The names of poetry forms are definitely not your average word, so makes it more of a challenge. I was pretty amazed at myself for knowing and finding over half of them fairly easily without constantly looking at the list because I have used many of the forms and knew the names already. The others... well they took a little more time. I always struggle with the backwards diagonal words! Yes, Bianca has a great page with many forms to try out. Thanks for posting this.
This story has got to be one of the most original ideas I've read in a long time. It's so well written too, but that's no surprise to me.
I'm just going to point out one little typo. "It (If) the effect were (was?) half as good as on television, it would fool anyone, at least for a few moments.
Thank you for the read and the smile. Off to bed now ... on plain ol' white sheets!
I'm not sure if this screen is for reviewing your blog or this particular entry, but these are my views/review for "Habit of Force" "Habit of Force"
I gotta say I am in agreement with everything you said. I too am okay with near rhymes unless I am going for something like a true English Sonnet or other proper poetry. Then I try much harder to find exact rhymes.
I don't bat an eye when it comes to the plural/singular rhyme.
Awkward word order: like you said, happened a lot in my early poetry. I try not to do that these days.
Meter? I feel like if a poem is going to rhyme, it ought to have good meter as well. They seem to go hand in hand in my opinion. I'm a little more critical when it comes to meter, especially with poems with required meter.
Sight rhymes? Uggg! I don't get it! But a lot of the "old masters" did it.
Forced rhymes? I say it falls under the adage: First you need to learn the rules before you can break them. With your experience... you are definitely allowed to force a rhyme.
Hi Joey. I saw this on the newsfeed. The title and your words about the poem made me want to take a look.
It's a wonderful poem with an important message to tell. You did an amazing job expressing yourself.
On the technical side, there are some lines you could improve on with meter and rhyme if you wanted. Of course, it is your work, and you should be the one to decide.
In the 5th line, I believe the word "see" is present tense where the other lines are past. You could easily change that and still somewhat rhyme by rewording your line such as: "I saw in the mirror of my memory,"
You could rearrange some words in the first two lines of stanza three to rhyme... and since you mentioned "time" already in the previous line, perhaps something like
"I missed the moments, with only myself to blame,
I wasn't there for the Little League games.
The following stanzas are perfect in my opinion. I love every word up until that very last unrhyming one.
Hi AJblurryface. Welcome to Writing.com. I hope you will enjoy it here as much as I do. Your poem popped up randomly on "read and Review page" so thought I'd give it a read.
I like poems that make me think and this one did just that. Especially those last two lines.
One thing I might suggest to you is to take another look at your punctuation. There are many instances where you could easily let the white space beyond each line do the pausing for you. No need to use a comma after each line unless you are wanting a longer pause.
Also, there are a few places where the first word in a line is capitalized, yet it is not the beginning of a sentence. Which is acceptable in poetry, as long as you are consistent with it. .
Hi Beholden. I saw this entered in the "First and Second Chance Poetry Contest" and just wanted to say you have expressed very well what it feels like to be part of the "senior" crowd.
Your title, "Fragments of Immortality" by itself leaves me deep in thought, especially followed by your words, 'the waiting room of old age'. Personally, I don't feel like I belong in this room yet but I'm definitely knocking on its door. At this point in my life I know many folks who are "waiting", and I find myself thinking about it more and more.
This is a topic that is hard to express but the word choices and thoughts you put into these poetic lines showcase your creative talent. There are so many wonderful lines throughout it's hard to point at just one as a favorite. These resonated:
"Breath was not so much guaranteed as taken for granted..."
"...eternity of life, unconsidered, just accepted, not inspected nor fingered..."
And the last line made me smile. Well done.
I read your note at the bottom, and all I can say is perhaps one must be of a certain age to appreciate this one.
One little thing you might consider is, in these lines, "...as though once again released into a limitless future, almost as though this too is a preparation for beyond..." maybe omit one "as though".
Wow, wow, wow! What a story! Nicely written and... what the heck... almost (just because I hate thinking this is possible) believable! Great story that kept me reading to the very end!
I took a few notes as I read so these are some of the lines that either raised questions with me or made me just want to comment:
"Claudio noticed that two rows of the narrow slots were already filled." This kinda came out of the blue and confused me... because the relic was not described and it was much later where it was mentioned about the nails. So maybe a little more detail here? Or perhaps it's not important to even mention it? IDK
"Marcus Greevy received his visitors in a spacious office..." Just curious what is Marcus' business? Is he just a rich man with an office? (like Donald Trump?) Would it make him a more believable character with a background? I figure you are on a word count restriction, though.
"... we intend to clone the Messiah" HOLY COW!! What a concept!
"I wouldn’t put it past him. It could also be Delavan." Oh okay, so they were told who was being cloned. I was thinking maybe it was confidential.
The ending caught me off guard ... so well done. That little bit about the blood on the ladder, I suspected was planted earlier for a reason.
Glad I read it. Thanks for sharing it on the newsfeed.
I really like this! Of course, it's a bit sad but well said and in a very poetic way. I think you have more of a poet's soul than you know.
I wonder about these word choices: "worthless, stupid, lazy". It bothers me a little how cutting they are. I wonder if there are words more associated with pollution that could also relate somehow to the message you are trying to convey... something with duel meaning? (toxic, careless, dull, leaden, etc.)
I just have to question one line though: Did you mean choking or chocking? I think choking.
There are many of us out there, perhaps the majority, who can happily accept whatever the author feeds us as long as long as his protagonist is well characterized as being a genius capable of doing such things ... things most of us do not have the capacity to imagine. If you, the author, say it can be done, I believe you, but that's just me. I think in comparison to the average reader like me, there will be a handful of readers who will question.
For me, The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo comes to mind as having characters who had amazing computer skills. I never questioned whether such things can be done or not because I'm not savvy about such things. But then again, I'm just your average reader. I'll believe it can be done.
I saw this posted on the newsfeed and knowing your work, knew I'd not be disappointed.
This is wonderfully entertaining and well written!
Aren't you so lucky to have the two of them balance you out. Your descriptions of each are so opposite, yet each are doing your writing justice. You've made me really like your muses by what I've read.
There is absolutely nothing to improve on. This poem is perfect as is. Thanks for sharing.
PS I think my muse is more like Eb. Not sure I could keep up with Flo.
Just stopping by your port to see what little gems I could uncover, I know I can always find quality poetry with you. This particular poem does not disappoint! In fact, as I read it I was in awe. Love the vibe you have created with your words.
First line sucked me in right away. Love the use of the white space and how you created a cliff with it. The also the metaphor continuing throughout is so creative! This was well thought out IMO.
I know some of your word choices here are quite cliché, but I like how you use them. Very satirically.
Stopped by for another peek into your writing. This caught my eye because of the 'brief description' under the title. "Poetic portrait of my grandfather at 100".
(My Mother-in-law just celebrated her 102 birthday last week so I wanted to read about your grandfather.)
What a wonderfully poetic slice of life. I love how your words painted a perfect picture in my mind of a moment with your grandfather. Well done.
Favorite line: "crowning him with leaves of laughter"
My only suggestion ... I selfishly wanted more of this. Just one more stanza? Please?
I stumbled across your poem as I was browsing the poetry genre. Just wanted to say, I wholeheartedly enjoyed this! I remember thinking the same thing at my reunion. Too bad we get so caught up in our own insecurities that we don't speak our minds. I'm still like that today, unfortunately.
As I read your poem, I wondered if maybe this little phrase is unneeded: "what appears to be". I wonder if more description would help me see the shirt better. Threadbare comes to mind.
Also, you might think about italicizing "Darn" like you did above with "Now he tells me!"
An enjoyable read that made me smile this morning. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Steph,
Thank you for the fun word search!(and for offering the MB) I think I might have done it in record time... maybe. "Sleighride" was the only really tricky one I found. Half of it was hidden in already found words which made it hard to spot. Good job.
Merry Christmas!
This sweet little story popped up on the random "read and review" page. I see you had words to incorporate into the story and you came up with a really nice topic. (I've noticed you usually have really nice story ideas from reading your other writing.)
I like the lesson this story suggests ... the leaving the nest when it's time. In this day and age, so often the youth are mentally not ready, and the parents don't push. A mistake I believe.
In a short span you developed some fine, believable personalities for your characters. My only complaint is I wanted to read more. But I do understand how some short stories for contests have word limits... so I understand.
I found your poem in a list of "coffee" related articles for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" coffee raid.
It's a sad message, short and to the point. Unfortunately, there does seem to be more criminals than law enforcement. Still, I get what you are saying. That maybe they are being too slack in their jobs? Or maybe it's all a lost cause anyway? I hope this isn't always the case.
One thing You might want to take another look at is the second line. As a reader I saw Naval uniformed men and wondered why the Navy was expected to "Protect and Serve". I know that was my mistake, but I wonder if there could be another descriptive word for the uniforms rather than the color, navy? (incase others are dense like me)
I found your poem in a list of "coffee" related articles for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" coffee raid.
I'm not quite sure I grasped everything you were expressing in your poem, but the one thing I did come away with was the frantic kind of voice in which it seemed to be written in. Good job.
Something about the comparison of suburbia to a sea life ... makes me think this is about trying to make sense of a lifestyle change. Perhaps newly retired? A need for a more orderly life?
I really enjoyed reading your poem. There are so many great lines:
"randomness is a dead sea.
Adventure is a list, wife."
"The lively wife swiftly
alphabetizes the captain." These last lines are a perfect, witty ending!
I found your poem in a list of "coffee" related articles for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" coffee raid.
I really like this poem's format. It kind of reminds me of the child's nursery rhyme of "This is the House That Jack Built" in that it is written with a similar technique where all characters are sort of connected by a series of glances as the poem progresses. A very cool idea!
The lack of punctuation works very well here as it causes the poem to be read fast ... reminiscent of how fast a glance is.
Something you might consider is in the first stanza and in the last, it might be interesting to compact them into fewer words—a contrast with the middle stanza (which I would not change a thing there ... it's brilliant! Maybe something like:
Denizens of a coffee shop
placate their loneliness with
coffee and glances, little
cakes and imagination
Anyway... cudos to a brilliant poem. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the thanksgiving crossword puzzle. It's nice to be reminded of the things that we learned way back in school about the underappreciated Thanksgiving holiday. It's just the thing to get me thinking about what to serve at the feast.
I had fun doing your crossword. One thing kind of threw me though. All of your clues were numbered below but not all of them were numbered in the puzzle. Since I've never made a crossword before, I don't know if that's something you can fix or if it's a glitch in the program.
Hope your holidays are all good! Happy Thanksgiving.
Your opening lines were perfect for reeling me in. Well written.
I found some really great lines, Sox. I really Love this one... it is creative and I can picture it perfectly:
"... melted my six-pack into a blubbery bulge of a spare tire."
"There is nothing essentially creepy about a cloudy night. I lie to myself." Just wondering about the tense here. It's probably fine?
"The hair on the back of my neck began to stand on edge." 'On edge' seems a strange description for hair... I picture the 'edge' of hair to be the sides?
CREEPY! I know this is flash, but do you have a few more words you could use when the 'beast' shows up, so your story doesn't end so abruptly? How does the MC feel? Maybe describe his/her fear?
So, I have to assume the narrator met his/her demise in the end. Since the story is told in past tense, is the MC telling the story as a ghost? Or you could consider changing the tense and have the events unfold as you tell it in first?
I'm not sure I've read your poetry before, but I got to say I enjoyed this a lot! I like the quietness of the subjects in each stanza. Yet as a whole, your poem is speaking loudly with a voice of urgency of time slipping away.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/blueyez/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 5:39pm on Jul 14, 2025 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Bravo!!! 
Yes, Bianca has a great page with many forms to try out. Thanks for posting this. 
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
