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This is my blog about random thoughts and writing. |
| This blog is about my current life, struggling with bipolar disorder, also random everyday thoughts and trying to work through writer's block. |
| Spring semester starts next week and its like it creeped up without me seeing it. Classes are already getting full and I can't just sign up and pay because I have to get a disability waiver signed which involves tedious this and that but I already have finacial aid set up for books. I am, to my own astonishment, on academic probation, they say in letter last week, for only completing 51% of my cousreload last semsester. Now, I talked to the teacher and she said I have until end of feb. to finsish the class and the incomplete will turn into a grade. It also says something about a medical excuse or whatever they call it and getting a letter and I can get that from my psychiatrist and probly even my general doctor from when I had the cough, etc. for a month and a half and lost my voice most days. My problem is that this is going to be offcial college information for when I transfer and I'm going to have probems enough with that as its is since I'll probly have to take more classes at a time, (not full time!). So with everything else going up and down in my life some thing needs to go right. I saw my psychiatrist today and finally made apt. with therapist whom i havn't seen in a month or so. I thought alot this weekend getting my antidepressant changed since I have to face I have symptoms of depression still. I still might see what she thinks about trying wellburtin again since it worked really well ( I never felt better or functioned better for a while) until I started shaking so bad it was scary and then well I was drinking heavily those days in that past life and I also was bulimic/borderline anorexic so of course I had a seizure then. I'm someone else now and have been for a few years so I don't think the wellbutrin would do that and it has been shown to help with add/adhd and help quit smoking (I need to quit smoking or i'll just keep getting bronchitis and asthma attacks all the time but it isn't that easy). She might not go for it but who knows I've been though all the other SSRIs and atypicals and a few tricylics and I can't take the MOAIs. People change. I switched from focalin xr to adderall xr today, something i never took before and I didn't know what to expect and then of course part me is still petrified and hypochondriatic when it comes to reading side effects. Its not the same as focalin xr's iniial boost and took longer to feel anything so those are both drawebacks but the eveness is something i think could help me alot. Especially since I'm bipolar too. Its suposed to last longer too and that was a problem I had with the other add meds. i've taken, that they were suposed to last 8 to 12 hours and I'm falling asleep 2 and a half hours later while I'm trying to do something. I think if someone would have said something about my distractedness at least in middle and high school and if they would have put me on something then even if only half worked I probly would be living a totally different life now. I'd probley be done college and working and who knows what else. All people worried about was how weird and depressed I was and made me feel worse, like there was something socially wrong with me, i don't know, and noone ever told me or looked into what I could/couldn't do because the add, for fear the weird girl couldn't be trusted with those kind of drugs while they loaded me with nerve and brain damaging ones. |
| My life has been crazy the past week, the past month, maybe not even me all the time but the people and events aroound me. In the past week people moved in my apartment, there was a "domestic disturbance" in our apartment building, my boyfriend of 5 years (its been that long!) now wants to live separately when the lease is up this year but not break up, which is a step back in a close relationship if you ask me, and we got letter from landlords about a noise disturbance and people not on the lease living there so Lou and I had to tell them to leave. So now I'm back at my parents to use their scanner for my art homework and most importantly spend time with my grandmother whose still really sick. I couldn't call her when I was at the apartment because ten million people were using the phone all the time. I felt guilty because I said i would. So my Louis wants us to live sepately when the leease is up in the summer even though he doesn't know where he'd live, because and this actually shocked me into reviewing things -he said I'm too hard to take care of and he can't handle my illness basically because he's mentally ill too and he wants to get his life togehter and that he can't live with people. I had to understand this but at the same time it was horribely depressing, painful, unexpected, confusing and it kind of made me mad. There are a lot of issues in this situation I will have to deal with that I have been avoiding and burying. But things have always been hard and I just wish he'd realize that if we're going to be together why live separeately and only see each other on weekends or something when we can grow through this together and helpeach other to get our lives in order and eventally everything will be as normal as it can get and we;ll be closer. If we live separate it could be so easy to begin to drift apart or give reason to. I fear losing him. I feel like he's slowly breaking up with me and doesn't have the guts or decency to tell me because he thinks i'm so much sicker than I am and if that were the case I just wish he knew me better. |
| I'm going home to my apartment tonight and I don't know what to expect with the craziness going on there and I've only been gone a week. Louis has got to stand by me if I get there and its half as bad as he said it was with the roomate and his tenmillion friends over all the time. I don't want to get kicked out even if I can move back in with my parents. I love Louis and I love living with him. I have been able to write but mostly its just been in my journal and things like that. Its a start though. I geuss I have to restart slowly but its not very nice. I have been procrastinating with everything lately, its terrible. I have so much art homework to do it isn't funny and the sad thing is its so easy it just takes a long time. Meanwhile I got a B in my creative writing poetry class, which was actually surprising since I missed so many days but I'm used to getting A's so I was disappointed in myself and now my grade pt. average is lower and that's bad because I'm on finacial aid and will need a scholarship to transfer. And sadly I'm better at going to college than working because of the bipolar and the schedule thing. But oh well I've gotten this far. I miss my cat... |
| I still feel so weird after being so sick. I practically missed Christmas and New Year's. It's already the tenth and I have an incomplete to make up for the art apreciation class that I haven't been able to do because I've been lying in bed coughing and wheezing like I'm dying, coughing up blood and the stupid doctors kept telling me it was asthma and prescribing prednisone steroids which interact with my bipolar in a bad way. I took my last antibiotic which they finally gave me after they finally diagnosed me with bronchitis today. It's been ridiculous. The rounds of prednisone caused so many bad fights between Louis and I, crying all the time and couldn't sleep. I wanted to drink. Then we got in a bad fight and he wanted to sleep in the living room and I got more mad and I wasn't thinking right and I cut myself a little and burnt myself with a cigerette, which is very scary old bad behavior. Then I felt worse physically after the prednisone was done and had to decide if I should take it or not considering that and all the mood swings and screaming in the apartment and I did but I stayed at my parents' house and it was not as bad at all. We have a new roommate who parties with lots of people over all the time until early in the morning now. They are all younger than me and wilder and I never was too social or at least the way they are. They're kind of mean. I stay in my bedroom most of the time while Louis is at work. Even the cat does. Oh well. I'm taking topamax but it isn't helping me lose weight yet and it's making me mad. It worked really good before. I haven't been writing much because I had the manuscript to type up and all for the publisher before and that was so stressful then I got sick. I get like fearful of the first thing I'll write so I don't. |
| I have been so, so sick I haven't been able to do anything except lie there and it kept getting worse and I didn't want to go back to the hospital bacause last time I was there (for asthma) they were getting tired of seeing me. A respritory therapist even told me so. I'm still sick and as the procrastinator I am still have christmas shopping to do. So unfortunately, I'm afraid a few people on my list will be getting their presents late because I'll be getting it off the internet. I'm still at my parent's house and I miss my boyfriend so much, and my cat. I have no idea what's going on at the apartment since we have a new roommate, I don't really know. I didn't even get all my christmas decorations up there, or get to send all the christmas cards. I really should have seen a doctor or went to the hopital so it would have been over a lot sooner and i could have gotten something done. My family is getting tired of me. I am hard to live with. I'm loud and I'm up late. I guess I'll stay here with them until christmas night then go back to my Louis finally. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I missed the last English class, which even though it was mostly just a party I really wanted to go but there was no way... I've been wheezing for days and now and I can't stop coughing so much its changed my voice. I could hardly talk the other morning and I actually coughed up blood. I'll make a doctors apt. tomorrow but I probly won't be seen for a few days and if I have to go to the hospital I'm going to the one i've been to three times in two months for the asthma - they were rude about that last time, like I liked going there or something. I have another end of class party tonight for my art class, but I don't see how I can go. The teacher never emailed me the directions to her house anyway and my voice was too messed up to call her today. I finally did call her last week and straightened things out so I can get an incomplete instead of failing. It was a long hard semester back to taking more than one class and obviously I'm not ready yet. Louis and I have not been getting along well lately and our roomate moved out due to interpersonal difficulties and we have a new one already who has alot of friends. I haven't gotten my christmas shopping done nearly as far I would like to have. I have gotten a lot of decorations up and we're getting an artificial tree from my aunt tomorrow. I don't even know if I'm spending christmas eve and day with my family or Louis' yet. I started taking topamax again because not only will it help the bipolar thing and anxiety but it will help me lose weight, which I need to do before I get any bigger. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I'm very relieved that this semester is almost over. I have one more class for English with no more work to do in that class. My art class is still up in the air, as I have not been to class in a few weeks and have not even talked to the teacher about my status of the class, i.e. enrolled, withdrawn. I would like to take an incomplete and I think its too late for an audit. So all I have to deal with now is art class. It was exhausting finishing the 3 assignments for creative writng last week. I had two literary analysis to do and had to put together a portfolio. I didn't like having to rush to revise a large group of poems for that because i probly could have done better. I was actually enjoying doing the Rilke analysis of "you who never arrived," which I wrote in place of my original paper comparing "blank joy" by Rilke and "she dwelt among the untrodden ways" by Wordsworth. This is the first time I've taken more than one class at a time in a few years, since before when was functioning better and could handle more. I am glad i'll have a break until the spring semester.  Now I have time to enter my book mauscript on disk for the publisher. Its due January 1. I sent in the contract today. Also now that class is over I can focus on improving my relationship with my boyfriend. We've probly grown a little distant since I'm at my parent's house doing homework most of the week and not with him.   I've noticed since my antipsychotic was reduced to almost neglible dose my memory's gotten worse. Beside that I don't feel a difference. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I am swamped with English homework- I have to start my literary analysis paper all over again because we were supposed to write about poems or stories chosen by the teacher not one's of our choosing (I compared Rilke's "Blank Joy" with Wordsworth's "She Dwelt Among The Untrodden Ways"). I have to rewrite (for the third time!)the student work literary analysis for a better grade (although the first paper I did got a B+, my second paper was terrible because I was rushed do to other HW to do too.) And finally I have a chapbook to create for a good portion of my grade. Which wouldn't be so bad but I just got back about 20 poems my teacher wrote notes on to revise so I have to revise about 15 poems and put them in a presentable package by Tuesday. I've been working almost constantly this week and I've gotten much of this all done, surprisingly. I'm glad in a way I have this creative writing class which has been more demanding then the last one I took because it's pushing me to try harder, learn from criticism, and rethink my writing style and habits. Time is moving so fast though, its December and I hardly felt the time pass. A publisher (I haven't signed a contract yet so I don't think I can say...) is going to publish a chapbook of my poetry next year and I am excited but grounded and realistic as to the book's future. So I also have putting the final touches on that to do, too. |
I never realized just how undisciplined I am as a writer and how lucky I must be to have gotten anything done. I really have no schedule, depend on the odd flash of inspiration and don't have and meet regular goals. I seem to just go with the flow the way I do everything else in my life, trying to avoid (more) pain. I feel like i've been missing in my own life and I just realized it. Habits take a month to gel and I guess this will be my new way of life- small goals and some writing discipline. I'm too old to be just starting like this. I think I was more mature and did more when I was so much younger, a lifetime ago it seems. |
| I had a peaceful, quiet, good Thanksgiving which I'm thankful for since ones in the past weren't that pleasant. Sunday I was really sick the asthma and had to go to the hospital which sucked. Louis wouldn't go with me because he thought i'd be there a long time and he wanted to go to bed early for work. I was kind of upset about that and I'm getting afraid we're growing distant from each other. Here's my list of this year - what I'm grateful for- This year I'm grateful for - -my family and my boyfiend, Louis, both of whom support me no matter what.  -what spiritual growth I've made. -for my freedom. -my kitten, Frisby-Wu, our gecko, Wiz, and my family's cat, Peppi. -having had a good realtionship with my great-aunt and uncle amd for the memories. -feeling/getting better. -the new people I met this year. -for what writing I've accomplished and the editors thst published some of it (extra thanks to the publishers of my e-book). -being on medication that, mostly, helps- especially the lithium and ritalin. -my new apartment. -the opportunity of being able to go to college. -my psychiatrist and therapist. -my lightbox. -my collection of books.  -the computer. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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