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This is my blog about random thoughts and writing. |
| This blog is about my current life, struggling with bipolar disorder, also random everyday thoughts and trying to work through writer's block. |
| I have been actually wrting lately, a little bit, thanks to promts from UWW group. I started a journal here to hold them. It takes me so long to start then to find quiet time to continue and I never seem to finish in time before there are new promts. But in the past three weeks I've gotten better at this and since I don't have college to worry about for now I can devote more time to this and other writing activities. Which is a blessing. I'm still considering not taking summer classes. Which would probly be a good idea since Spring went disasterously. I think my therapist/psyc. don't realize how impaired and how I truely do have ADD (they diagnosed me!) and how I think I need more help now with it than just meds. Its all probly things I should know by now being in therapy etc. for the past 7 years or so but that's why I'm there after all, because I need help. Its terrible. I guess my other problems (depression, mania) seem more important to address but the ADHD also impairs my life, for example school, and even little everyday things can become hard to impossible. And depression probably feeds off the ADD, ADD feeds into the depression and it just revolves. |
| I hate pompous, useless people like the female pharmacists where I've been going to get my pych. and asthma meds. and whatever else I happen to need filled. The men that work there are at least human and do there job. They have been playing around as well as the insurance company with my antidepressant which is not too soon to be filled, I know, and they say my psych needs to fill out paperwork and now its 2 days away from being the exact day last month I filled my focalin so when I called about this mess today some bitch on the phone had the gd nerve to ask if I sell my prescriptions. I was ready to scream and wished the phone would have recorded the comment kind of becuase it is so ludicrous and offensive to me coming from trash like her thinking she's so high above me,most likely because of themedicaid thing, or psych med thing, and I'm just mad because its been about a week w/o antidepresssant and in a few days I'm w/o focalin (I'm supposed to be!) and this pharmacy has the script and I don't even feel like dealing with it yet. I actually called by dad about it. I cause I get a little dramaqueen over things but I can't help it people drive me crazy. |
i hate living in this apartment so much. I can't beleive the computer even works here. Its likes it has some curse on it or I have some mercuryblockingcurse here. Its just terrible. Nothing goes well. And At my parents I'm too old to be there... The lease will be up in a few months and I just decided to go where I never ever wanted to, where I've tried to stay out of... But what can one do. I need to continue writing what little I started writing for promt group but cannot. Not here AHH> |
| I wasn't expecting my book to be published this fast. But overall everyhting turned out alright, I guess. I've been at my family's house for the past day or so. I didn't know that my grandmother had already read some of it and I showed it to her, not really asking her to read it or anything, but she said quite seriously that she thought it was sad and made her feel sad. Then she sat in living room and I think she read the whole thing, and said how sad it was but beautiful and how she'd like to show it to one person, the priest at the church who passed away not long ago. My boyfriend/husband has decided that I should go visit my family and spend a couple days there every once in a while since we sort of started fighting bad after being around each other day in/day out. I love him so much I wouldn't be able to live without him, but since I don't really have any friends I can visit for a couple of days, or whatever, it works out. I get along pretty much with my family now. I can also get more writing and artwork done here than at our apt. with our cat jumping on it or my boyfriend wanting to know what I'm writing/doing all the time. Not that I don't love them dearly but it just seems like someone or something always disturbs me from writing, etc. |
| I actually wrote a rough draft of s short story! I'm surprised because my fear prevents me from relearning or doing what I used to be able to do. I hope I can revise it and keep it up to write another story no matter how bad it is. I got so used to writing only poems I almost forgot how to just write prose. It was something to just do and not dread but I was letting the dread immobolize me. Well, my book is just about finally officially released. Its already on their website. I missed some typos which makes me want to scream because there is nothing I can do now. I love the bulk of it though. I will try to connect it to authors in print if this website will be gracious enough to allow me to sell my book on line. I don't know the status or how and what of that. It's has a beautiful coverand I put my best poems in it, for better or for worse, so it is what it is. |
| I almost didn't get my paid membership continued. That would have been terrible even though I haven't been doing much in a while. I try though. I've been trying to write a short story which is hard for me, all I've been writing for the last 10 years on my own is poems. Well, I had to drop out of my Brit.Lit. class. I was having panic attacks on the way there and couldn't leave the house and couldn't sit still in class (at my age...) it was a nightmare and the terrible thing is I never officially withdrew in time so I have an F now to lower my GPA (which is actually pretty good). I couldn't get out of bed to it that's all. I can sleep 21/2 days in a row if I don't pull it together and take a Focalinxr. There has got to be something wrong with me that the stupid doctors missed. I keep missing apts because I sleep through them or can't get enough energy to take a bath until evening. I hate my and Lou's apt. building the people who live there are rude to us, esp. me for some reason. I get no peace and I don't how to resolve it except keep quiet, hide until the lease is up and move far away from there. I have PTSD so banging on the floor and yelling can scare me if it goes on alot, i mean you'd have to be there. Lou knows it but just thinks its nuisance, nothing. I feel like I'm being tortured some days. Lou and I exchnaged vows privately and we gave each other rings so we are unoffically married because we're both on disibility and they'd take one of our checks if we legally married and we couldn't afford to live like that with me not working any time soon. |
| This is my first entry since I don't even know when, but a while, and its weird. I've been superstressing over HW and my grades and everything school even though if you asked the teachers I haven't done a thing since I have the worst attendence in the world. I get terrorstruck at the thought of having to leave the house in the morning and all the questions overwhelm me and so I stay inside. I feel awful I have all this opportunity to go to college and be in an honors class in my condition and then to ruin it by missing too many classes even though I do the work. Geuss what I was even surprised when Louis asked to remarry me or go over our vows. We had a nice quiet Wiccan anniverary ceremony, not to go into details here, and recaptured what I thought we had lost since we handfasted. My book is almost through the revision stage: I got my book cover design today am very pleased with it. It goes into printing next and I got a definite date in June to be available for sale. I'm very happy. Everything's been well with the usual hellish ups and downs but I always get through or so I hope. |
| I wish I could learn and keep a regualr schedule. I don't sleep, eat, study, write, etc. at any set time because I never learned to for one thing and and then it just feels like in the back of my mind that its too much confining painfulness to be 'imposed' upon me even though I never keep a schedule long enough to get used to it. I'm used to irregularity and doing whatever almost or more like it - doing what I'm told still, at 27. It's really starting to effect things like school and getting places because its getting so bad its seeping into my sleep and that's how it starts to prevent all else from beginning. I have one week to finish my art class which I had an excesscive amount of time to complete and even though I'm slow I did that wrong and it will effect the fin.aid which is so bad fo the future. A good thing in my life going on is that my love Louis and I are getting along well now, we're closer it seems with just us at the apartment and Frisby the cat. I've been thinking about each moment and noticing each detail since I knew it could be the last or never happen again, the living with him and the cat, and its been sad and but I've been trying to feel the happiness of now and just ignore the rest. |
| This February has been so strange, this month itself always off for me because its winter and I'm so up and down. I finally admitted to myself that I was depressed and I wanted to get my antidepressant changed but the psychchiatrist changed another of my meds. which helped it seemed for a while. I felt like I couldn't leave the house or do what I was suposed to and then the guilt over being irresponsible was making me more depressed. Then I started wheezing and had to go to the hospital and surprisingly they kept me there overnight, I didn't think it was that bad. So I had to take the evil prednisone again which thankfully didn't make me manic but pushed me into having more energy this time, a good side effect finally. But I'm still taking it andits starting to make me anxious and I kind of got too stressed out to go to class Tuesday right before class which was bad because I missed 2classes already and I found out today we had a test. I'm going back to my Louis today and we'll celebrate Valentine's Day since we weren't together then. I have been concentrating on homework so much its ridiculous, there are more important things in life and they're slipping by. My book is inthe editing stage and then I get a cover design so now I have about 2 weeks to go over their editing and send it back; its happening sooner than I thought. This week is going to be all art homework, I don't know how i'm going to review 5 chapters as slow as I am but the art journal is due by the end of this month for my grade for the incomplete I took. At least I'm back on focalinxr. |
| Getting myself to do anything is a struggle and I can see that part of the problem is a lingering or approaching mild depression and that is something I really don't feel like having to deal with again, especially at this time of the year. I'm just creeping along with the art homework but I found out I have another month to finish the class. I can olny take one class this semester because I have to finish the art class and I don't want to get overwhelmed by everyhting by taking more classes. I used to be able to take four classes with all the crap that was going on in my life and how I was then, I don't see how or why its so hard now to do so little. I'm taking british literature II honors, which may be bad idea since I havn't taken an honors class in years, but then when I did they weren't that different than regular classes, just class size and discussion was focused on more. THe adderall xr has turned out to be a mistake. It doesn't work for me at all or there is something really wrong with me. I've been sleeping all the time or just laying there, even after I take it. It doesn't help me concentrate or do things I have trouble with or wake me up. most of the time I can't tell I took anything. Its ridiculous and school is starting this week. I must be the only one who takes a stimulant add medicine like that and falls asleep. But then I guess its supposed to do that in some people who are hyper but I'm damn near vegative and I don't think my pschiatrist will prescibe anything else for a while. I should have stayed with the focalinxr. It just doesn't last as long as they say it does. My exboyfriend hypothesized that I "get used" to alcohol and medicines, etc. too quick and then need more to feel the same thing. It took me a long time to understand what he was trying to say. I went to an art museum last saturday and still have to write about it in my art journal and find the pictures of the artwork I liked on the internet for it too for homework. my favorites there were the egyptian art (Isis) and the Hindu art (Ganesha and Sarasvati statues). |
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