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This is my blog about random thoughts and writing. |
Size: 101 Entries
Created: October 11th, 2005 at 6:49am
Modified: June 19th, 2019 at 2:26pm
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This blog is about my current life, struggling with bipolar disorder, also random everyday thoughts and trying to work through writer's block.
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February 13, 2008 at 10:46pm
February 13, 2008 at 10:46pm
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| I wrote product review, a book review about More, Now, Again: A Memoir of Addiction by Elizabeth Wurtzel. Actually I wrote a whole long book review first but the product review there didn't require all that. I started a short story a science fiction/fantasy story about different gods/rulers, emperors/emperesses, mankind, morals, arts. Its basically dystopian or satirical in fantasy worlds with conspiracy theories, too. It'll be weird. I have so much trouble writing poems now - I don't know what happened. When I was younger I could think up poems even as I fell asleep. Now nothing works. Its a tragedy. I found out my feet problems were from 2 bone spurs. So many months later its still not healed right. And I need to see the regular doctor for a referal before I can see the podiatrist again. He tested me for osteoporosis. I have to back to get results why my foot broke so easily. I made Lou a valentine's day hand sewn ATC card and a valentine's day bookmark and other gifts. I tried to make the felt valentine fortune cookies craft I saw on Martha Stewart show and online but it didn't work out. I couldn't cut a 41/2 inch square of felt for one thing. Not that crafty I guess. Oh well. |
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| I can't beleive I almost lost all my saved stull on upgrade membership. I've been sick from the doctors even agree, kidney problems, severe hypothyroid, weird blood tests, and my feet areswollen and so painful I can hardly walk, but everyone acts like I'm just complaining. I've also got bronchitis again. And I can't take one of my mood stabilizers since they don't know what's wrong. I'm on enough medicine as it is, they should take more away. One was intereacting with the antibiotic and I felt like I had worms crawling under my skin in legs and arms. requip did'nt even help. I've been doing The Artist Way program again and it going smoother this time. I've been collaging and painting more so now than creative writing recently. I still journal everyday I can. Right now I'm in a dilima about where to live. I can't stay here at my parent's house forever. My longtime boyfriend isn't helping much right now either. But really its my responsibility. |
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| He's left me again. Now he's seeing another girl while he expects me to support him financially just because he still helps me with certain things that are to be expected. I just found this out last night. Prior to this I just thought it was me being negative and expecting the worse. But its true. THe past six years must have meant nothing to him to get with someone else this fast. I'm already depressed and suicidal over other problems and he just makes it all the more worse. HE wants me to come back to his place this weekend and I' m too attached to leave him now. Its been 6 years, how can this happen its like a divorce. I geuss I'm doing alright in my class I'm taking, which is good considering all the problems I have. I still itch and sometimes wheeze from the ADD medicine but I haved to take it. HE's trying to get on ADD medicine too now. I don't trust him. College and my writing is all I have that's mine now. And this is complicated by him and other circumstances. I have the opportunity to have my own place soon but I feel its empty if I'll just be living alone and not with him. I need other people to survive even if its just because of my mental illness. Now I have noone. |
February 14, 2007 at 12:38am
February 14, 2007 at 12:38am
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I don't know what to say about the people I'm surrounded by. If everyone wants me to leave then why do ask me back then treat me this way. I've had enough of the little stupid comments that they they think pass me by. I don't ignore things.Some people think they say whatever they want to certain people who are
sicker or have problems and that just provea they are sicker in way those people could never be. I'm getting so tired of people. College is going better than expected but still I'm only taking one class compared to the four I always took before. I've just been journaling, and started one poem which isn't anything. I've been depressed its been bad between my boyfriend and I because he can't deal with it. Valentine's Day is tomorrow but we're celebrating it later because both of us wer'nt prepared. We fight so bad then the next day we love each other. I'm allergic to ADD medication now so college is more difficult. My psych. apt. was canceled this week so that was bad.
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February 1, 2007 at 4:10am
February 1, 2007 at 4:10am
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I'm going back to college but onlt taking one class and having terrible trouble with allergies to the ADD medication or something else I don't know about. I can't even take the ritalin which helped me so much before not just in school. All the medicine in the world can't help me , I shouldn't ask it to., its wasteful. I need to write any way I can as long as I do and its truthful and its there and just goes smoother and further.and leaves the message that they are not the end. I cried so much over this everyone thought I was such a baby, a drama queen or just so sick but what the medicine did was it showed me what I could do and then it was taken away and I went bsck to laying in bed all day like a zombie. So I don't see how I was complaing over something unreal. I/m probley going to move into my own lace in the next few months. Which is good since all of my belongings are everywhere since the last move and i go back and forth between parents and friends' houses. I still wish things didn't overwhelm me as much as they do.
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December 13, 2006 at 3:46am
December 13, 2006 at 3:46am
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| Everything changes everyday. One thing I want out of life now is stability, the planned predictable life I've never really had. He asked me to move back in with him but I'm afraid I'll just end up back here eventually. I've been writing again, and the collage/painting poems. Which is good because I did absolutely nothing for the past few months. I need to get ready for spring college. I'm only taking one class but I have to restart somewhere. I just wish I could fathom where I'll be in a year. |
December 11, 2006 at 8:16pm
December 11, 2006 at 8:16pm
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| I'm going through so much with my boyfriend now. Its so hard dealing with family, friends and all the crazy messed issues, let alone my own stuff. I love him so much but he tskes so much and after a while it gets in the way. I can't choose sides like this, not when it comes down to barely surviving. I can't get what I need done if I concentrate on him soley. I'd end up losing him in the end anyway. I'm trying to go back to college as it is and stop wasting time. He has such a hold on me and knowing it does not lessen that. |
November 28, 2006 at 2:25am
November 28, 2006 at 2:25am
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| Everything was great, it was beautiful when Lou and I gotbbackj together but I still felt so under a gun about it all ending suddenly. It did again and I have to love myself more than to let him keep breaking up with me suddenly then taking it back, over and over again. I need to focus on college, my writing (which I've been neglecting in the name of focusing on him), and other areas of my life. It's been so long ince I've just written as practice, which is so sad for me since its my only lifeline. I've got "custody" of the cat we had together and I'm living at my parent' house for now, waiting.We still love each other, maybe we just can't live together for now. I hope that's what it is. I miss him. |
August 20, 2006 at 1:08am
August 20, 2006 at 1:08am
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| We argue, we argue, it's just never easy, words are spit like poison after a while even after only a month of not living together when we just get too close and old wounds cry forth. I can't say I don't say things that hurt him but I am angry, terribly hurt, and the most alone I've ever really been if I think about it. No, I don't feel sorry for myself, I just help what I feel while at the same time he feels free and justed. But we're both sick in so many ways, maybe only each other see and it glares through sometimes. I recieved a poisonous letter in the mail from him to today that turned things around in how I see him, surprised and chilled me. Even after such unspeakable words, I love him deeply for all we've been through and all he is but I need to learn to keep my need for that now dead love from returning or resonding to him again. It took so much to turn away this much. It hurts more than he or anyone can comprehend. He was my very life. Now gone. |
August 19, 2006 at 1:23am
August 19, 2006 at 1:23am
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| Every since he broke off with me I have not been able to breathe, as if kicked in the stomach way too hard. His presence somehow comes back and keeps the killing wound open. I have nothing noone am nowhere. nothing nowhere noone repeats in my head constintly. While I gave him my sad all he refused and left and he is happily numb happy right now as if nothing ever happened. I could have died and he turns his way backwards and so easily forgets when I cannot die or forget. I pray for his sincere return, a death, some overwhelming forgetfulness to ease end this but it is not in sight. |
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