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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/1311011-Porthole/day/10-4-2020
Rated: 13+ · Book · Personal · #1311011
A terminal for all blogs coming in or going out. A view into my life.
Started July 1st 2019 for contests, etc. as other blogs are filling up and have other purposes.

Ferry boat between Solvorn and Ornes across the Lustrafjord i Sogn og Fjordane.




I'm starting a new blog because
BOOK
L'aura del Campo  (13+)
Online journal capturing the moment and the memory of moments. A meadow meditation.
#982524 by Kåre Enga in Montana
had over 1,200 entries and that was getting close to full. I don't want to trim it by deletion. I did that once, much to my dismay. Will be used more for poetry.

BOOK
Hoarfrosts from Hell  (GC)
Anything I'm not happy about or that I don't want in my main blog!
#997339 by Kåre Enga in Montana
is still hidden from the public and will remain so. It's more personal and full of angst. Was used for 30DBC for May 2020 and now used for Blogville.

BOOK
Enga mellom fjella  (13+)
Enga mellom fjella: where from across the meadow, poems sing from mountains and molehills.
#1317094 by Kåre Enga in Montana
was full... until the number of entries was increased. A mixed blog, mostly stories.

I'll be linking to
BOOK
On The Write Path  (13+)
ON THE WRITE PATH: travel journal for Around-the-World in 2015, 16, 18.
#2032403 by Kåre Enga in Montana
as I need to post there about my travels.

 
BOOK
O Pinions!  (XGC)
May my opinions gather wind under their wings and fly, perchance to soar.
#1501776 by Kåre Enga in Montana
is for my opinions. *Laugh*

BOOK
Nurture your Nature  (13+)
Look around. Let Nature nurture your Soul. I record images I sense and share them here.
#1439094 by Kåre Enga in Montana
was set up for nature observations and musings.

 
BOOK
Watt's Gnus  (18+)
On topics and today's gnus. Definitely opinionated. Set to 18+ for a reason.
#1439092 by Kåre Enga in Montana
come out of a need to share interesting stuff I come across. When I was young I did a small newsletter named as such. (or was it column in the newsletter? Been 30 years... I think.)

 
FOLDER
Flash Fiction  (GC)
Short 300 word, more or less, "stories" .
#2190336 by Kåre Enga in Montana
is where I put my flash fictions. Maybe someday I'll figure it out and have enough good ones to publish. Ratings vary and some are hidden from view.

I've started an appendix (I no longer have one personally) to keep track of my Space Cadet journals for Space Blog. It's a work constantly under construction. Mind the mess.
STATIC
Space Cadet - the never ending journal  (18+)
Journeys of an Alien Space crew.
#2226611 by Kåre Enga in Montana


I needed to start a folder for contests as there are so many deadlines and details to remember.
 
FOLDER
Conquest ... to keep track of contests  (18+)
A place to keep track of in progress works and up-coming deadlines as well as any awards.
#2233119 by Kåre Enga in Montana
(also very messy!) *Shock2*

 
FORUM
Blogville   (XGC)
Where bloggers meet and greet to read and share. No required prompt. Alias: blogville.
#2253938 by Kåre Enga in Montana
is for posting personal blog entries in hope that folks will comment and post their blog entries there as well. I will be commenting on all blog entries posted. It's my effort to rebuild a blogging community.

BOOK
Bibimbap 비빔밥   (13+)
Left-overs piled on hot rice and mixed.
#2296648 by Kåre Enga in Montana
an E blog focusing on food and culture. Easily digestible for the Queasy and Questioning.

October 4, 2020 at 2:53am
October 4, 2020 at 2:53am
#994995
For:
 
FORUM
Space Blog  (ASR)
Cruising WDC cyberspace and raiding ports for blog prompts!
#2223838 by Sharmelle's Expressions


From: "Invalid Item by J.L. O'Dell

The October 2nd Space Blog prompt:

Write about nature, stars and fireflies in your Blog entry today.

So... I'd rather write about the poem! 24 syllables is harder than it looks. One can break it down to 8/8/8 or 6/6/6/6 or 'almost a ballad' of 7/5/7/5 or an alexandrine couplet of 12/12, but it forces one to make choices regarding rhyme and rhythm. Free verse is fine but fitting any poetics into 24 syllables... like juxtaposition of images (it's longer than a haiku), alliteration, interesting rhythms (too short for limerick that needs 31-37), a image and response like tanka (17/14). A cinquain could be tweaked I suppose... 1/2/4/6/8/2/1 with an extra syllable at either end.

Word choice is crucial. An occasional 'is' or 'the' may be needed but both add little or nothing to the image or narrative.

To deconstruct this wonderful little poem. The prompt was 'gloaming'.

Nature's Splendor

The gloaming sky,
stars twinkle bright.
The fireflies respond,
with their own night light.
Nature’s magnificence.

© Copyright 2020 J.L. O'Dell


Overall: two 'the's doing nothing. The first is static; obvious, unless we're comparing two of them (in which case 'this' or 'these' works better); the second is superfluous as grammatically the plural doesn't need 'the'. I like the last line but it makes a better title. The first 4 lines are concrete so this last abstract line divides the poem into two parts 18/6 in the fashion of a tanka. If the last line is to be kept the title is superfluous and adds nothing. Where/when/why/how would correct this: "Sunday, September Seventh" (because ... alliteration), "The Dog-days of Pittsburg" (because ... fireflies are a summer event in Pennsylvania), "The day before the bomb fell" (Hiroshima was early August but hotaru (firefly) is June/July and evokes summer in Japanese culture/poetry), "50 years after the land was cleared" (because no habitat = no fireflies), "After breaking up with ..." (adds bittersweet).

Line by line suggestion:
1. 'through gloaming skies' (plural = no need for 'the'; through gives a sense of movement)
2. as is
3. 'while' could easily replace 'the' but adds little. Adjectives like 'glowing' are redundant. A one syllable word for desparate, sex-crazed or hopeful? Mad/daft... don't apply. A movement like 'darting' would be nice... except fireflies seem 'lazy'. Using 'lightning bugs' solves the syllable dilemma; although, in my dialect we say fi-er-flies (which is contrary to the dictionary) and I prefer that word.
4. as is.
5. 'before twilight's demise' (more concrete) 'nature's magnificence' can then serve as a title or combined with where/when/how/why/with-whom give a long title.

One way of putting this together:

The walk home after breaking up

Through gloaming skies,
stars twinkle bright.
Lightning bugs respond,
with their own night light
before twilight's demise.


If 'lightning bugs' is used there are 5 'ight's. If 'fireflies' three 'ize's. Lots of tight rhymes regardless and 8-9 cases of assonance of the diphthong 'ai' (6 in the original).

Anyhoo... rewriting' someone's poem is frowned upon in many circles, but critique groups sometimes do just that. In the era of the haiku masters, a master sliced and diced 'masterfully'. *Laugh*

I just add my 2 cents. It's fine as is... and there are 100 different ways to improve it.

I strongly suggest that others try out the 24 syllable contest:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#2162300 by Not Available.



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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/1311011-Porthole/day/10-4-2020