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 |  Out of her head and into the world...the real, the scarcastic, introspective? |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** You have just entered the OLIVIA zone! From the far reaches of her wonderful, creative mind come thoughts and expressions that cover every spectrum! Anyway, enjoy my blog.... It's me.... When I get here to dump in it! Cheers! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Member Blogging Groups |
| The other day I had this flashback to the moment I broke my silence about the lonliness I'd endured in my marriage. I was standing in my kitchen talking to my parents who were down for a visit and the tide burst, I cried, cursed, wailed, and... ripped my wedding band off my finger and slammed it down on the counter in front of me. I don't think I'll ever forget the stricken look on my father's face or the horrified look on my mother's. Gradually over the years my husband had been cutting me off from my friends and then my family in a very quiet, devious way, that I don't even know at times that he was even really aware of in his own actions. The only thing I can imagine is that it was another symptom of his mental illness. But slowly but surely, I had become or was becoming estranged from my friends and family. But the thing is, he wasn't drawing me in to become closer to him in the process. He seemed to want me to need him for the most basic things, but not for emotional support, safety, and well being. For years I'd been so miserably alone. I'd become desparate for affection, companionship, and attention, but my morals wouldn't allow me to seek comfort outside my marriage. As a faithful woman of Christ I felt obligated to exhaust every effort to fight for and save my marriage. The lonliness and failure was surely mine. Wasn't it? I would cry out to God for help, but the words would not cross my lips to my family, friends, or fellow man. After I left my marriage, I moved home with my family. I needed them...Badly. With everything they did and said, they told me over and over again: "You don't have to do this alone ever again." They took care of me, helped me take care of my daughter, and made sure we had what we needed. It took me weeks to feel at home and safe in the home I grew up in, with the people that I'd always counted on. I'd wake up crying hysterically in the middle of the night... terrified. As I've gotten things behind me and re-joined my home community, I've been very humbled and extremely touched by the love and support of my friends. Friends that I had been long convinced that weren't there for me anymore if they had ever existed at all. There's one last order of business that looms on the horizon. Something that my family and I are going to have to take care of. And week after week, these friends and community members ask: "Is it time?" When I answer: "No, not yet," they reply: "Let us know when. You won't have to do this alone." I've never talked to these people about the lonliness and the soul freezing fear. But, by the grace of God, several times a week, I am being reminded that I am not alone. And that I don't have to be alone again...That I have value and worth to many people...And credibility. God whispers to us over and over again in the bible that we don't have to do this alone. He sent His Son, Jesus so that we don't have to go to battle against the Enemy....Alone. To die...Alone. To be without hope or a future. Matthew 10: 29-31 "Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Therefore do not fear; you are of more value than many sparrows." I am so grateful for all these messages of support and hope. I believe that I don't have to do this alone, and I never will again. So today, on a day set aside for remembering all the Good Gifts we've been given, I recognize among them, my rescue from my lonliness and my liberation from fear. God Bless you all my friends and family, both old and new. |
| Shortly after I left my marriage for the shelter of my family home, there was a particularly tear fraught morning where Mom's frustration was leaking out all over the place. I know my sense of helplessness at the time wasn't helping matters much because the natural function of a mother is to want to "fix" everything post haste. In this case it was my Mother's need to purge the family home to make way for my daughter and I to become permanent residents. She needed to communicate to me that I was safe now; that she and Dad wouldn't let anything happen to my daughter and me. And to let my daughter know that she had a home here. The problem was that no matter how many lists, and how long the list got, things just weren't happening. The task at hand looked pretty much like standing at the bottom of the highest mountain. In short, it felt overwhelming to her and me too. I finally broke down and said: "This isn't working. We can't force this. It will all come together when it's supposed to. In the mean time, we just need to relax and deal with all this one day at a time." Fortunately, I think we were both too vulnerable in that moment for our stubborness to set in and take over. Over the months that have followed, the "purge" has happened a-pace. This morning it was closets. I woke up feeling like bronchitis is threatening, and it's her nail salon and massage day. In short, every reason for a purge NOT to happen. However, when I got back from taking my daughter to school, here she was flinging clothes out of every closet imaginable; some more than 20 years old... Thank you What Not to Wear. She simply looked at me and asked me to grab a couple of extra garbage bags and meet her in the closet in my room...a walk-in closet that you cannot walk into at the moment. Most of the clothes in there were outfits that were my Grandmother (her mother's) and my Great-Aunt's (her aunt) from when they were still alive and purchasing clothing for themselves. It was, needless to say, dated. In less than 15 minutes, we had purged 4 closets and filled up her trunk with clothes to go to Goodwill or another charity. In that closet in my room there was also a box that was labeled "Mary Kay" in big, black letters. Unfortunately, because of where it came from, it could have literally been a skeleton. Something to keep that door closed and not to be dealt with. You see, to me it symbolized another failure assignment from my marriage. One of my failed attempts to save our poor financial situation. A "fix" that I couldn't do. A "fix" it wasn't my job to create. There were perfectly good cosmetics inside. Things I could have gotten out and used. However, it was also an anchor that could keep me tied to a past. Tied to feelings of failure that aren't mine to have to feel, or deal with. In that moment I realized that purging our physical store rooms and clothes closets is a lot like the purging we need to do in our own spiritual lives as Christians. Every once in a while, we need to go through and examine those things we've stored in our heart and mind and get rid of what isn't working for us anymore. Get rid of the out-dated, worn out, burdensome things we've harbored within. Those things that are keeping us from having room to buy into new and better things that keep us growing forward on our journey of learning to be more like Jesus. Those black 80's parachute pants of low self-esteem put on when a spouse or loved one made us feel unwanted or un-needed. That 70's plaid wool skirt that's 4 sizes too small of failure assignments that we couldn't "fix it" or simply "weren't good enough." What about those 10 ton combat boots of worry and care over things we cannot... isn't out job to change? Getting rid of those out-dated accessories could be good too.... All those little things that accentuate all those bad wardrobe items? Come on? We all have tons! The the bad news is we can't do it alone. The good news is that we don't have to. All we have to do is by the grace of God admit that we cannot go it alone and need His help! Then, ask the Holy Spirit in with an army of angels to clean out our hearts and minds of all the yucky, needless crap, in the cold, dark places of our hearts. Finally, invite the Holy Spirit to shine its light into our hearts so that there is no darkness and fill every vacant place with the serenity to recieve new blessings as they come, the wisdom to use those blessings to the glory of the giver, and the strength to keep journying along the path to become more like Christ. As the new year of the Christian church is upon us, I hope you take time for a little "New Year's Cleaning" from the inside out. I doubt your spiritual purge will be as daunting as mine has been this year, but hope you take the time and enjoy the amazing benefits. Psalm 51: 10-12 "Create in me a new heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Thy presence, and do not take Thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit." Ephesians 4: 22-24 "....lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you may be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Dear God~ We thank you for loving us enough to give us free choice, even when our decisions aren't completely pleasing to you. Pour your Holy Spirit into our hearts and minds; cleanse us from all the yuck, unsightly mess that's built up inside. Take take away our excess baggage so that we can make the journey to your kingdom in the way you'd want for us. Amen |
| I've been through a lot this year. Maybe more like: "I woke up this year and realized that I'd made some bad choices. I was standing in the middle of on of my worst nightmares and couldn't remember how I got there." Luckily, because of my personal relationship with God, I knew that He was lovingly standing by, He and Jesus both, waiting for me to admit I'd made a bad choice, or series of choices, ask for forgiveness and direction. The answer and the rescue weren't immediate. There was no magic elixir involved. One day I hit a wall and splintered into a million pieces. I no longer cared if it was all my fault. I finally ran out of will to: "Fix it." I called my Dad and told him I couldn't go on and I needed help to get out. I packed up my daughter and a few belongings and left a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage of over a decade. A sick relationship that was more like slavery than true love or partnership. I lost my business; something that had been a life-long dream of mine. Something my family had a shit load of money tied up in. I moved home. One hundred acres about 30 minutes west of Waco on a limestone rock hill. The place where I was raised. The first place I met God. I don't remember my first month home. I was like an addict being dried out. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I woke up crying in the middle of the night and had dry heaves more times than I could count. I bathed myself, and made sure my child had food and sleep. The rest, bless my parents hearts, they took care of without harsh word or complaint. In fact, with the unconditional love of our Heavenly Father, they took care of me, prayed with me, and counciled with me. They held me when I cried and wiped away my tears; not caring how much snot they ended up wearing. Somewhere in there I turned 37... Just so you have a point of reference. I was ultimately broken. Although I believed God had good plans for me, I had been so brainwashed that I had to do it all and be it all and not bear my heartache to anyone but God, that I'd really become mentally ill. In spite of my faith, the enemy had found a stronghold. I had to choose to say the words for God to step in and set me free. I had to choose to confess all to my parents. I had to choose to share my nightmare with my friends and faith community. I had to choose to invite the Holy Spirit in to do it's work in my heart and mind and touch me with the deep healing that I've so urgently needed. Just like I had choosen to believe that if I stayed in my marriage and remained faithful, that things would change. Just like I had choosen to believe that somehow it was my fault that the bills didn't get paid on time, or that there wasn't money to pay for the simplest things. Just like I believed that I'd somehow done something so bad that I didn't deserve to be cared for in the way a woman longs to be cared for by her husband. That I somehow deserved not to get a card, gift, or flowers for my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's Day. And boy, I'd become an expert at hiding my disappointment and hurt. I could have won several Oscars for my performance on excusing away why I didn't get anything when everyone else did. Did God get disguested and reach down and yank me out of that and set me on a better path? No, he isn't a Puppet Master. He's a loving Father who wants his children to learn from our mistakes and through them, grow closer to Him through that journey. I get the prodigal son now. Like that son, I had to choose to make a new choice in order to be set free. I've lived it more than I'd ever imagined I would and a person who had grown up having a personal relationship with God. Luke 15: 11-32 "....be merry and rejoice....for (she) was dead and has begun to live, was lost and has been found." my interpretation of Luke 15:32 I don't know where I'm going from here, but I do know that for the first time in my life I can truly say that I am quite content for God to be in the driver's seat for a while. I don't even know if I want navigation duty at the moment. Author's note: As I've indicated before, "OliviaK." is a multi-faceted individual. I guess I identify greatly with the lyrics from one of the new Montgomery Gentry songs: "...full time sinner, part time saint." Should you choose to stop by my port, you'll find a real individual with many different thoughts and passions. I don't know where my blog topics will go from here, but there isn't any doubt in my mind that I will be lead to write what I think and feel. |
| Well, what the flying Hell??? I filed for divorce in May and it was pretty simple and direct (or so it seemed). The quickest the gavel could come down and I could get on with my life was July 6th. Did it happen? NO! In late July I find out my attorney has lung cancer (God Bless her heart nobody deserves that...) and she's trying to hang on to my case and go through treatment at the same time. GREAT! But the deal is: "She can't remember crap!" I've done everything she's asked and every time I talk to her it's like she hasn't done jack crap! I told her from the get go that my (I want so bad to be my ex-husband) wasn't going to be cooperative. I was a slave to my marriage for over a decade and he thought that everything was both hunky and dory and he hadn't done anything wrong. BUT! But! but.....was willing to go to counciling after the fact if we could just work it all out. What's to work out when he prefers Time Warner Cable (be it via TV or Computer) to me. Level 69 Undead Kiss My Ass! LAST month I asked her to petition for a court date so that I could go before a judge and let him declare me divorced. Did she do it? HELL NO! He hasn't returned a phone call from his attorney in ages and the delusional female who is representing me is still trying to negotiate with his attorney! The bulk of my daughter's possessions (something significant to an 8 year-old) are being held captive by a selfish son-of-a-bitch who seems to think that if he keeps his head buried in the sand and pretending that none of this has happened, our daughter and I will come home and everything will just be peachy again. I'm sorry. I got worked nearly to death (literally) while he sat on his ass and stuffed his face with junk food and felt sorry for himself because we were in debt. WOW! What an ingenious way to get us out of debt and provide for our family. And I suppose that's what you call love. IF that's love, no thank you! The craziest thing is that I'm not bitter about it. I'm just angry that the divorce is taking so long and my few meager treasures are still in the house that was my own personal nest and haven. And I can't legally get to them, or my dog, or my daughter's cat. My daughter has a few more things than I do, but all I have are a few clothes, a few books, my daughter and my life. I guess I need to concentrate on that and stay greatful for that. I wish God would just let it be over soon so I could move further on. |
| There is this book of "Rules" written to advise women young and old not to lose their self-esteem in the process of attracting Mr. Right. And it's well written. I can get that some men may be threatened by these reccomendations, but my suggestion to you is that if they are, they probably aren't worth having. But, in my cleansing process I have a few other things I suggest women contemplate in finding Mr. Right... I will never again honor any man that is unwilling to work harder than his woman. Or any woman in general if physical labor is required unless he is truly physically disabled, or advanced in years and truly unable to function in that sort of physical capacity any more. My paternal gradfather as well as my father were and are major players in my life. I was aware from a very young age that these men worked from sun-up to well passed sun-down year round to provide for their family. Needless to say, Grandma and Mom both worked hard as well, but were always honored and treated with care and respect by their men. To do other wise is making a wife a slave to the husband, and to the marriage. This men, is dishonorable. Morally wrong. Biblically wrong if you honor and believe in God. I was such a slave to my husband and to my marriage for a decade. It was mentally, physically, and emotionally draining. It made me feel unloved, unvalued, unworthy, incapable... There's no call for it. At all. What-so-ever. There is a tall, large man who works for my family's business. He reminds me of my ex. All hot, arrogant air, and no willingness to action. This morning I worked circles around the man while he sat in a chair and "presided" over the nothingness of a slow retail day. Useless. I was working for: "free." While he was drawing pay for sitting on his ass doing nothing. I dispise people like that. And never again will I honor a man who is such a lazy, blow hole. So, to all self-important men out there... I give you the international sign for: "You're number one!" And hope you fall off the earth soon and quit hogging the oxygen supply. To all the men out there who have enough self respect to respect women and live a morally, ethically sound life. I sincerely bless you and call you worthy of he whose image you were created in. Happy Saturday Blogville! Liv |
Like Johnny and June Oh there's something 'bout a man in black Makes me want to buy a cadillac, Throw the top back And roll down to Jackson town I wanna be there on the stage with you You and I could be the next rage, too Hear the crowd roar, Make 'em one more, I'll kick the footlights out I wanna love like Johnny and June Rings of fire burnin' with you I wanna walk the line, Walk the line, 'Till the end of time I wanna love, Love ya that much Cash it all in, Give it all up, And when you're gone I wanna go, too Like Johnny and June I wanna hold you baby right or wrong Build a world around a country song Pray a sweet prayer, Follow you there, Down in history I wanna love like Johnny and June Rings of fire burnin' with you I wanna walk the line, Walk the line, 'Till the end of time I wanna love, Love ya that much, Cash it all in, Give it all up, And when you're gone, I wanna go, too Like Johnny and June Like Johnny and June More than life itself No-one else This endless promise They don't make love like that anymore Is that too much to be askin' for? I wanna love like Johnny and June Rings of fire burnin' with you I wanna walk the line, Walk the line, 'Till the end of time I wanna love, Love ya that much Cash it all in, Give it all up, And when you're gone, I wanna go, too Like Johnny and June Like Johnny and June And when there gonna be no tears to cry, Only memories of our lives, They'll remember, remember A love like that. ~~~Heidi Newfield My first marriage was really unfulfilling. I got an awesome daughter out of the almost 14 year deal, but other than that, I got a lot of heartache and lonliness. I lived in the house and slept in the same bed and often worked with the person I married as my best friend and soul mate who became a stranger. I often found myself begging him for attention, pleading, and ultimately giving up hope that I'd ever feel wanted in that relationship ever again. Now, I'm moving on. I want the happily ever after this time. I know it will take work, but I really want a man who understands that it takes two. Full on. Every single day to make it work. I want that Oh My God thank you for this person relationship! One like Johnny and June. You know they had their ups and downs, but you can tell that they lived in the ultimate state of grace and forgiveness. It's just reality. It's the way things were meant to be. Please God let there be someone out there just like that.... Just for me. Sleep well Blogville~  Liv |
You'll Be There Hope is an anchor And love is a ship Time is the ocean And life is a trip You don't know where you're goin' 'Til you know where your at And if you can't read the stars Well, you'd better have a map A compus and a conscious So you don't get lost at sea Lonesome old lonely island Where no one wants to be From the beginning of creation I think our maker had a plan For us to leave these shores And sail beyond the sand And let the good light guide us To the waves and the wind To the beaches in a world Where we've have never been And we'll climb upon the mountain y'all We'll let our voices ring And those who've never tried it They'll be the first to sing Oh, my, my I'll see you on the other side If I make it And it might be a long hard ride But I'm gonna take it Sometime it seems that I don't have a prayer Let the weather take me anywhere But I know that I want to go The streets are gold 'cause you'll be there Oh, my, my You don't bring nothin' with you here And you can't take nothin' back I ain't never seen a hearse with a luggage rack So I've torn my knees a-prayin' Scared my back from fallin' down Spent so much time flyin' high 'Til I'm face first in the ground So if you're up there watchin' me Would you talk to God and say Tell him I might need a hand To see you both someday Oh, my, my So, I'll see you on the other side If I make it And it may be a long hard ride But I want to take it Sometime it seems that I don't have a prayer Let the weather take me anywhere But I know that I want to go Where the streets are gold 'Cause you'll be there (you'll be there) Oh, my, my 'Cause you'll be there (you'll be there) Oh, my, my ~~~George Strait There's been a lot of crap going on in my life this summer, and although it isn't over yet, I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and seem to know that it isn't a train! This morning driving home from dropping kiddo off at school I felt my heart and my hope rising and floating on the breeze like a feather. I think I can do this! Time for another cup of coffee~ Good to see you again Blogville Liv** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| In the midst of wrestling with some darkness in my own world, I have been trying to focus on my writing and use it as therapy to find my head above water again. And as such, I gladly took up the Co-Leader position with Chapter ReCappers. The first novel we reviewed was Dawn's enterprise that at the time she was calling: "TAG." I believe she'd renamed it: "Manic" a week or so ago. So, I had the distince pleasure of reading it. I didn't have to read all the chapters...That wasn't the deal. But something inside me wanted to; wanted to get to know Dawn the writer. I fell in love with her work. I read and review frequently. But falling in love with a writer's work isn't easily won in this head. I knew Dawn was young. Younger than me at least. Husband. Kids. What I sincerly hoped with all my heart was a good life that she was choosing to live to its fullest. I was crushed when I learned she died. I was moved in an unexpected way when I found out she had died of a heart attack. I was moved to aggressively choose to start living again. I had recently left a marriage of almost 14 years. The last half of which was definitely fraught with mental and emotional abuse. When I chose to get out, things got even more scarry. Those events, and how hard I was physically pushing myself to make everything work has led me to a partial breakdown. (Thank God for my family...My Daughter and I are safe) I've been hanging on the hope of a swift divorce where I could start living again. Still putting conditions on my happiness.... Not Good. Dawn's passing made me realize I can't wait. Lying in bed watching my daughter sleep that night, I realized that it could be over for any of us in a milli-second. God's time isn't our own and we don't know when the hour of our homegoing will happen. If we don't make the most of every moment we have, regardless of our circumstances, we may never have that opportunity ever again. That night I chose to start living again. I don't want to be held prisoner by the past any longer. I don't want to miss my daughter's life. I don't want to miss having a life of my own. With what I've been through, I can't say or expect that there will be a swift recovery, but I don't feel that it will take a terribly long time now that I've made the choice. So, if any good can come of such a wonderful young woman's untimely passing. Let it be a wake-up call to anyone who has been existing in limbo. Start living before its too late. None of us really know how much time we have left. So, use it. Be as much of a blessing as you can to everyone around you. Including yourself. Especially yourself. Dawn was a beautiful person. Thank God for her. And thank you, Dawn for touching my life and helping me in a way you never could have expected. God Speed. May we have the privilege of meeting again on the other side. Olivia |
| Helloo....Blogville~~~~ It is I! OliviaK! It's been 54 days, 15 hours, and 51 minutes since I last blogged my heart out here among you. I miss you all and miss reading your blogs and finding out how you are doing. But, if I read them, then I'd be tempted to blog myself, and right now, that could be dangerous. You see, I'm going through a divorce and there's the rub! It's a bad situation and I've been advised my my attorney to stay with my family about 3 1/2 hours away from my home and business. Regardless of the court order of separation, he's living in the home and operating the business~~~ Things he was never under dedicated compunction to do before. He's separated his child from her home, her things, her friends, and her activities... Things that he was under court order to NOT do, and has done anyway without showing the least bit of remorse. So, I miss you all! Take good care. `Livy |
| Well, my best girlfriend from my Dallas days just left a bit ago and now I'm on my own again. God! I've missed her so much! With H baby and the restaurant, I don't get up there very often. Haven't in more than a year. AND every time she tried to come down this fall, she was terribly sick or in the hospital. Crappy as that was. We've both been heavy since we met back in the mid to late 90's. I've been successful losing weight, but bless her... With all the steriods to treat her asthma and her wierd arthritic condition, she just hasn't been able to. WELL, she just called that the insurance has approved her for bariatric surgery. Let me tell you. This girl has several degrees in biology, and if she's gotten to the point of wanting this surgery and seeking everything out...Man, I tell you....this isn't a whim. This is serious. I'm really, really excited for her. I know it's going to change everything for her. And I'm proud. And I'm scared. But, she's doing it for all the right reasons...So, I'm confortable with my mixed emotions for her. Like I said yesterday.... We went out Saturday night and it was just a blast! Talk about positive therapy. Yesterday, we took a mid-morning drive out to Luckenbach so she could buy a few gifts she needed to purchase. We strolled the grounds and spent time down by the river/creek by the campgrounds and really just enjoyed soaking up some sun. I mention Luckenbach and the dancehall in my Big Sky series novels. Although I've lived here almost 6 years, I hadn't actually been out there to walk around since I was in my early teens. After walking the grounds, I realized that I'd have to revise an idea I had for an encounter between Jessica and Brody for the Enchanted Springs Cafe novel that I'll incorporate my short story: "The Sexy Allure of Him," into. Well, I let myself slide a bit last week, had a bit more dairy than normal and a few potatoes, and retained about 5 pounds worth of fluid. Then went drinking Saturday night. So, now I've been trying to drink as much water as I can and flush out and see if I've actually lost the amount of weight I think I did last week. If I have, I've made my first major weight loss goal. The good news in all this is that I rescued my size 18 jeans (from the early 90's) out of the garage sale boxes and they fit! I am so freaking happy!!! I'm going to have to get serious about buying myself a few new bras. I've still got a great rack, but I'm not as busty as I was 55 pounds ago. So there! That's me at the moment. How's life out there in Blogville? Till we Read Again~ `Liv |
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