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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
I haven’t blogged about this yet because I sometimes forget that it is okay to blog about positive things (  ) but my voluntary work has been going really well. I even enjoy some of it! Most of the time I lead one of the horses in the lesson now, rather than walk alongside the rider, and I think they probably did this because I’m so terrible at interacting with the children! Nobody has said that but I’m sure it’s true. I don’t mind anyway. I am terrible at it and feel more comfortable with leading.I can now also tack up and untack a horse by myself. I love this. I love that I can be useful. I just felt in the way before, but now I have responsibilities and can carry them out without assistance. Most of the time when I go now I’m asked to tack up a horse called Buster and I have fallen in love with him! He is absolutely adorable! I remember being a nervous wreck the first time I had to tack him up alone (and I mean totally alone, without even someone observing me to make sure I was doing it correctly). I was ridiculously slow and clumsy (and probably completely inept!) but Buster was so sweet and patient. I think he can tell when I’m nervous or confused and he actually tries to help me. Like that first time, I went to take his rug off and I hadn’t unclipped part of it that passes under the back leg so it fell down by his hoof and he lifted his leg up without me having to ask him so I could get it out. Then today I was trying to figure out what way up the head-collar goes. It was taking me longer than usual for some reason and Buster came up right in front of me, really close, and lowered his head as if encouraging me to just give it a try and put it on! Honestly, we are best buddies now! He likes to use me as a scratching post and rubs his face on me (which doesn’t really work because I’m not strong enough to withstand the force he uses to do this!) He also likes to run his lips and nose along my hands and arms. I don’t know why he does this but it’s so cute and seems to be a sign of affection. He’s damn lazy in the lessons though and it is hard work getting him going but I never get tough with him because I’m too besotted with him! I love it after the lesson when the children have dismounted and they’re allowed to give the horses carrots. It’s so funny watching the horses when they know their treats are coming; they start bobbing their heads up and down in excitement. They do love their carrots! It really is a wonderful place and I enjoy seeing how the children become more confident as they progress. There’s a girl in the group at the moment who used to get so anxious about trotting that she refused to do it for a while. Now she says it’s her favourite part of the lesson and she recently mastered the rising trot. Everyone who works there is lovely too and I even managed to tell one of them about my Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis last week. I feel like I’m starting to fit in. Almost! I’m getting there… Wow, I'm not sure my blog can handle all this positivity…It certainly isn't used to it! |
Well, my insomnia is back. But I had a regular sleep pattern for almost two whole weeks.  I can’t remember the last time that happened, if it ever has happened. It was good. I’m going to miss it. I feel pretty down, actually, that it’s now over…Today has been interesting. I met my new care coordinator, G. She was nice but she shook my hand. TWICE! Actually, she didn’t just shake my hand, she kind of seized it and held onto it with both of hers and wouldn’t let it go whilst she commented on how cold it felt!!! And she did that TWICE! I felt so uncomfortable and my support worker commented on how uncomfortable I’d looked once G left. It was weird and I was surprised that someone who has worked in the mental health field as long as she has didn’t think that maybe some people have an issue with handshaking. Anyway, my care plan is getting updated and we are meeting again in three weeks time to discuss it. I’m glad. I hope they’ll finally start doing stuff that is actually going to help me in the long-term. I have been feeling ravenous today which probably has something to do with me not having eaten a proper meal in ages. I actually can’t remember the last time I had a proper meal.  I think I am destroying my health! I think I have a problem… Honestly, I just feel really crappy and want to die. I’m not going to die but it is still pretty distressing to feel like this. |
| I’m feeling marginally better as I’ve had the feedback from my interview. The guy who called me couldn’t really give me any specific details of how I performed but could tell me that my sorting test score was perfect, so phew! I was so, so worried about that. He also pretty much told me that the reason I probably didn’t get the job was that I don’t have any library experience. He said there were 250 applications and they only invited 20 people to interview. He said it was really good that I made it on to the shortlist and I am welcome to apply again if any other vacancies come up. I suppose I should feel proud that I made it to the last 20, out of 250 people. I am trying hard to feel that way, I really am. I’m just not there yet! My machine sewing course was fine this morning, though a little dull. I learned two methods to neaten seams. Next week I think I’ll actually begin making an item—a small, simple bag. I’m kind of nervous! Argh! This afternoon I went shopping with my sister as we needed to get some birthday presents for our mum. That was hard work! But we got everything we wanted and I think my mum will be pleased with her presents. One good thing that has been happening recently is that I have had normal-ish sleep for over a week now. I’ve been going to bed fairly early and getting up around 8:30-9-ish in the morning. I can’t believe it! Last night was the worst night I’ve had in a while, but even that was a vast improvement on how my sleep was previously. I’ve got my fingers crossed that this lasts because I love being able to get up the morning. My depression has always been kind of atypical in that I feel sort of okay in the morning and then go downhill from there! It has been pretty annoying that I’ve had to miss my favourite part of the day because of exhaustion. To be honest I still feel pretty exhausted, but hopefully my energy levels will start to increase if I’m able to keep a regular, normal sleep pattern.Argh! I’m going to shut up now because I’m having a really hard time concentrating as my sister is watching tv! |
| I don’t feel well. I think I’m getting a cold. Talk about being kicked when already down, lol! Damn I am trying so, so hard not to feel sorry for myself but fate is making that incredibly difficult. I can cope with all aspects of having a cold except achy bones. I always get achy bones when I'm ill, without fail, and I can’t stand it! It hurts to move. It’s hurting to type! I saw my doctor today (not about the cold—I’m not silly!) I’m glad I got to see my regular doc. He’s so nice! I feel like he genuinely cares about me. I got so stressed and anxious in the waiting room though because it was ridiculously busy and noisy. The doctor was running late and by the time I went in for my appointment I could barely speak. He commented on this and said I seemed more down than usual. I just thought, you have no idea!!! He’s lovely though and gave me plenty of time even though he was already running behind. I think he was quite concerned about my mental state (as am I!) and has asked me to go back in a week. Anyway, while I was there I got weighed (   ). I am now 39kg and at 5 feet tall that makes my BMI about 17, or slightly under, which isn’t good. My doctor thinks it would be a good idea to get a bone density scan to check if I’m at risk of getting fractures. I wish, wish, wish I could see my skinniness but I just can’t. It’s so bizarre. And even though all this is freaking me out, putting on weight STILL doesn’t exist as an option in my mind.All this talk of bones is just making me more aware of mine and how much they are aching! I really can’t deal with this right now… |
| Okay, I couldn’t take the wait and not knowing anymore so I called up the council’s recruitment office to find out about the job and was told they hadn’t received the information from the interviewers yet so didn’t know who had been successful or unsuccessful. The lady I spoke to gave me the contact details of the person in charge of recruiting for the posts I applied for. I thought it was a good sign and decided to wait a few more hours before contacting her. But of course I still didn’t hear anything so I just called her and was told they have yet to make a decision and will be contacting everyone tomorrow. Eek! I feel both relieved and incredibly tortured at the same time. I’m also paranoid that I’ve now come across as pushy and impatient. Though perhaps they will see it for the enthusiasm it really is! I hope so. So my hopes are back up and I’ve got my fingers crossed that they will not come crashing back down again tomorrow. Argh! This is unbearable! |
| Things don’t look good regarding the job. I was told I’d hear by the end of the week and I took this to mean they’d contact me, whatever the outcome, to let me know. Now, as I haven’t heard anything, I’m paranoid they meant I’d hear by the end of the week only if I was successful. I wish I’d thought to clarify this. So right now I’m feeling pretty low and have had a glimpse at just how devastated I’m going to feel when I know for definite I have been unsuccessful. But I’m unable to start processing and dealing with this because I still have a tiny glimmer of hope. Part of me thinks maybe they’re taking longer than they thought they would to make a decision or perhaps they are trying to contact references or something. But I am very wary of getting my hopes up. I just feel so disappointed and I wish I hadn’t told so many people I was going for it because it’s going to be embarrassing letting everyone know I have been unsuccessful. What’s really frustrating is that on the whole I feel my interview went well. There were two interviewers and one in particular really seemed to like me a lot and made positive comments about some of my answers. Generally the questions were pretty straight-forward and I only had one “brain freeze” moment but I recovered from it quickly. However, one of the adjustments I asked them to make because of my Asperger’s Syndrome was disregarded. I had requested they refrain from asking me abstract “what-if” questions and they asked me at least one! But I handled it okay and gave a good answer to the one I can actually remember. It did throw me though because I hadn’t prepared for questions like that, thinking they’d make my requested adjustment. I feel this was pretty unfair of them and if they had a problem with that particular request then they should have let me know beforehand. The only thing that I truly, deeply regret is that after I’d completed the cataloguing test, I didn’t take a minute to check I’d sorted everything correctly. I did check the alphabetical side, but not the numerical side. Why, why, why didn’t I check it? I can’t answer that. I can only regret it. What an idiot! If I don’t get the job because of a stupid sorting error I will be absolutely furious with myself. I feel so crap. I desperately want to get back to the workplace and become a useful, functional member of society and this felt like a perfect opportunity to do just that.I so badly needed this job.  |
| I have a new short story in my port and I’m trying to find the courage to make it public! In other news, there is no news. I'm feeling ridiculously stressed, anxious and fed-up! |
| I have had such an anxiety-filled day. I’m surprised my heart hasn’t given up! This morning I went to my first machine sewing class. It was okay but I was ridiculously nervous. Although outwardly composed my nerves were churning away inside! Well, that should be mostly outwardly composed. I did wring my hands a bit but not nearly as much as I wanted to! I don’t really know what was going on. The class wasn’t big and everyone was pleasant enough. I think I just felt a bit intimidated by the environment and situation. I don’t cope well with new things! Anyway, I’m not as terrible with the machine as I thought I would be. Actually, I’m kind of good. Kind of… As I was already feeling like a nervous wreck I decided to make an appointment with the hairdresser. Initially I made it for tomorrow (I feel like I need to mentally prepare before hair appointments!) but then I called back and rearranged it for today so I could get it out the way and not fret about it. For me, visiting the hairdresser is an ordeal! It’s just small-talk city in there and I hate small-talk. And I struggle with eye contact anyway, but making eye contact through a mirror is just plain weird! I survived and my hair is a little less unruly (is it more ruly?!) and I don’t need to go back for about three months now, so yay. I’m still waiting to hear the outcome of my interview. I don’t really want to say much about how it went beyond it seemed to go okay but wasn’t perfect. I might blog more about it once I know. I’m not handling the wait very well and have been obsessively checking my emails as well as staring at my phone, willing it to ring. I’ve also found myself shouting things at my phone, such as, “F***ing ring!” And, “I don’t need your stupid library job!” And my personal favourite: “I’ll start my own library!” (  ) Yeah, I’m losing it a bit… I do have some good news though. Last night… I slept! At a normal hour. For a normal-ish amount of time. And with no sleeping tablet. It was amazing. I woke up in shock! This evening I am just going to try and relax a bit and unwind from a very stressful day. Wish me luck with that… |
| It feels like spring has sprung! Finally! It’s so nice here. I enjoyed my walk with Jade today, especially looking at all the bright flowers, hearing lots of birdsong and smelling freshly mown grass (though that set my hayfever off!) We saw a lot of bees too, going about their business. I absolutely love bees! We get a lot in our garden as they like our lavender bushes. The first time they all came I was a little wary (the sheer number of them can be pretty alarming!) but now I don’t bother about them at all. They are peaceful and unconcerned with anything other than completing their work. I love watching them. I’ve felt like a busy bee myself today! I’ve had so much to do. I saw a doctor this morning about my eczema (not my favourite doctor, unfortunately, but my back-up one!!!) Anyway, I’ve been prescribed a different steroid cream and a very strong moisturiser. Hopefully this will do the trick. Then I had an appointment with my support worker which was pretty frustrating, but I won’t go into that. When I got home I called Mark and moaned to him about my support worker! While I was chatting to him I realised I hadn’t yet bought my fabric for the machine sewing course I’m signed up for, which starts on Thursday. Seeing as I’m busy all day tomorrow and I didn’t want to leave it until Wednesday, I decided I’d go and get it today. But first I had some lunch then took Jade out. I felt a little out of my depth in the fabric shop and the woman “helping” me was really unfriendly and brisk at first. Because of her manner I just chose the first roll of fabric she showed me and am now stuck with a colour I don’t particularly like. I should have been braver! Bizarrely, once I’d made my choice she became much nicer! Never mind. The fabric is fine for practise, I suppose. While I was out I went in a few charity shops and bought three books. That was naughty! I have too many books already!I got back home and came on WDC and was given the go-head to release my official contest reviews as the winners have now been announced. So I’ve just done that. I thoroughly enjoyed being a judge for this round of Journey Through Genres and read some absolutely wonderful stories. I am also thoroughly proud of my reviews.  And I’ve done all this on about four hours sleep so I am completely exhausted.  |
| This is one of the most incredible things I have ever seen: [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] So captivating and clever. So emotional! |
| This morning I got up early to try and get an appointment with my GP but of course he wasn’t available! I’ve gotten up early every day this week with the same outcome. It’s getting really annoying. I know I could just see a different doctor but the thought of that makes me anxious so I’m going to try again Monday and if he still isn’t available I’ll be brave and see someone else. This afternoon I went shopping as I needed to get something smart to wear for Wednesday. I’m teeny-tiny and often shop in the children’s section because the clothes fit better and are often a lot cheaper! It’s kind of embarrassing though! When buying jeans I get either age 11 or 12. Age 11 are usually a little on the tight side and age 12 are normally a bit too loose. Today I tried on skirts and the size that fit me best was age 10!!!!!!!! I’m hoping it’s just that whoever made the skirt overestimated the size of the average 10 year-old and not that I’m getting smaller! Anyway, I think I have decided on my interview outfit. I hate it!This evening I watched “I Love You Phillip Morris”. I thought it was amazing! And I can’t believe it is based on true events. That’s crazy! I really liked Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor’s performances. I thought they made a nice couple too! Tonight I am feeling very depressed because my stomach hurts, as it always seems to do these days, and it is really dragging me down. I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of life. |
| I’ve finally been told that my interview is Wednesday morning. Argh! I am incredibly nervous. In the letter it said that as part of the process I will need to sort books into the "correct sequence order". Argh, again! I think I know how to do this but I’m not 100% sure and that is making me panic slightly. I went in the library today and looked briefly at some random shelves. The ordering of the books made sense to me, so that’s a good thing right?! I wish I felt confident about this. My appointment with the disability advisor went really well. He was the sweetest guy! And so helpful too. I love it when people are efficient at their job! He was quite impressed (though not in a patronising way) by my motivation and the things I’ve been doing to prepare for the interview. I gave him the article I found about reasonable adjustments for people on the autism spectrum and he said it would be possible to send it over to the interviewers. As I was anxious about contacting them about it all he did on my behalf and called me this evening to let me know it had been done and everything was fine. I was even able to tell him about my anxiety over handshaking and he said it was perfectly fine to let them know this would be difficult for me. So it’s all sorted. I have everything in place to give me the best possible chance. Now I just need to not mess up the actual interview… I feel under an incredible amount of pressure because I want it to happen so badly. Also, as I have informed them of the adjustments I’ll need to ensure I’m not disadvantaged because of my disability, there are no excuses! If I mess up or I’m not good enough, then it will purely be because I messed up and am not good enough. Does that make sense? So yes, I am absolutely feeling the pressure and am probably going to be a nervous wreck for the next few days. But I’m seeing my support worker on Monday and am having a mock interview at the jobcentre on Tuesday so hopefully by Wednesday I’ll be feeling a little calmer. Hopefully! It’ll be fine. If it’s meant to be, it will be… |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Great song! I’ve listened to a lot of music today. I’ve also done a lot of driving and fruitless errands. I got stressed out at the shops and stood down one aisle with my ears covered until things got quieter in my head so I could deal with all the noise outside of my head. I got some funny looks but I’m used to that, lol! I think it’s just that my anxiety levels are quite high at the moment because of all the job stuff. And I still haven’t heard about my interview(s)! If nothing comes in the post tomorrow or by email then I’m going to call them before my appointment with the disability advisor at the jobcentre. I really, really hope I don’t have to do that. Apart from that I haven’t done a whole lot today. I had the house to myself (well, apart from Jade) so I took the opportunity to practise some piano. Jade and I had a nice walk and the weather was almost spring-y. I didn’t need to wear my woolly hat anyway, though I still needed gloves! This evening I picked my mum and her partner up from the train station as they’d spent the day in London. Then my mum and I watched a couple of episodes of Friends which happened to be on TV and just happened to be the ones that take place in London for the characters Ross and Emily’s wedding. Weird! I always find it somewhat amusing how British people are portrayed in American sitcoms. It seems that programme makers think we are either super posh or Cockney, with no in between!!! Speaking of London, after I received my Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis I signed up for the National Autistic Society’s graduate jobseekers programme, which is based somewhere in London (I forget where). Anyway, the waiting list is a year ( ) but they emailed me the other day about a new programme they’re running, which I am possibly eligible for. This starts in May. If interested, I can go to their office at the beginning of May to find out more about it and for them to see if I am suitable for the programme. It includes appointments with employment consultants, group workshops and work placements, which will all be in the capital.I’m not sure about it. For a start, although I only live about forty minutes from London by train, travel costs are high and I don’t know if I would be able to get any help with those. I will need to look into it. Also, London terrifies me and I just cannot see myself coping there alone. I feel anxious there even when I’m with others! So I will have to think about it and discuss it with my support worker and personal advisor at the jobcentre. I have until the 19th to make a decision… So that has been my day and that is my news! Such a fascinating life I lead… |
I’ve spent the day obsessively checking my emails, hoping to have finally been sent details about my interview(s) so I can stop stressing out so much. And it was a waste of time because I still haven’t heard anything and I’m starting to get really pissed off about it.  It seems pretty unfair to leave us hanging like this, especially considering some people will need to arrange childcare or sort out getting time off work… or have major anxiety issues and can’t stand feeling out of control!!!! Argh!But enough of that. Jade and I fell out on our walk earlier ( ). She got annoyed at me because I chose her least favourite route and I got annoyed at her because she kept trying to resist me and pull me in a different direction. Then a bit later I needed to stop to send a text message (I’m not one of these super-humans who can text and walk at the same time) and she kept pulling at the lead, trying to get me to keep walking. So I told her I haven’t been impressed with her attitude recently and she gave me a look of supreme indifference. I’m just joking—I realise she didn’t really understand me. We’re friends again now. We didn’t really stop being friends. I love my dog to bits, even when she is being a major pain in the backside.I have spent my evening tidying my room. I like to do this when I’m stressed. This is probably quite lame but I find tidying/cleaning therapeutic. And my room is amazing. I love it so much and I think I’ve nearly got it how I want it now. I have a mostly red and purple colour scheme. It was supposed to be red, purple and orange but for some reason it’s really hard to find orange furnishings. I do have an orange lamp though. I love my carpet. It’s purple and soft. My curtains are red and my (favourite) bedspread is white with red and purple embroidered flowers. Above my bed I have three canvas pictures of poppies and on the wall opposite my bed I have a montage of special photos in red and purple frames. I have some other pictures too, including a beautiful Scraper Foil picture of a panda that Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  made for me and which I love more than I could ever adequately describe!  I also love my bookcases, especially the one I put together myself!I should go to bed soon. It’s 1:45am and I’m hoping to get up early so I can make an appointment with my GP seeing as my eczema is starting to get bad again and is starting to spread. Damn thing! Plus I want to try and get some more sleeping tablets because I cannot stand the thought of trying to get to sleep without one the night before my interview and I don’t think I’m going to be able to sort my insomnia out before then. I know, sleeping pills are bad, but I really do try not to take them too often. Just sometimes I’d rather risk any ill effects of taking one than spend a night tossing and turning and becoming so frustrated at my inability to sleep that I want to die. So yeah, sometimes it is a matter of weighing up the pros and cons and sometimes there are more pros for taking a tablet than cons. Really wish I could take one tonight… |
| Today has been so mixed. My morning was awful, awful, awful, leaving me to ponder, why do I continue to be pummelled when I’m already down? Seriously, I can’t take much more crap! I sense I’m reaching my limit… But my appointment with my support worker was productive for once and she only irritated me for about 10% of the session, rather than the usual 75%! Then I came home and finished my reviews for the Journey Through Genres contest. Yep, who is super organised? That would be Moi!!! I’ve only gone and completed my reviews a whole week before the deadline. That must be a personal best for me!This evening I went out for a meal with my mum and sister. We had a really nice time and laughed a lot. And I think I’ll end this blog entry on that happy note.  |
| I woke up earlier than I wanted to this morning thanks to my dog and couldn’t get back to sleep so I have just been hanging out here on WDC. I responded to some emails and completed another review for the Journey Through Genres contest. I now only have four stories left to read and review. I can’t believe how organised I have been this time and it makes up for the last time when I was supposed to help judge an official contest and had to bow out. I also spent ages on a blog comment and was so ridiculously anxious about sending it but managed to press submit only to find all my apostrophes had vanished. It was bizarre! And embarrassing… I’m getting tired again and seeing as it’s Sunday I think it’s okay to go back to bed! |
| As I declared my disability on my job applications I may be able to ask for some reasonable adjustments for the interview(s), which is one of the advantages of having an official diagnosis. I didn’t really know what kind of things it would be reasonable to ask for or what might be helpful to me, so I have been looking into it and came across this article here: http://www.autism.org.uk/our-services/employment-support/employers/factsheets-fo... I read this part: Be aware that the candidate may interpret language literally. Asking, 'How did you find your last job?' may result in an answer of 'I looked in the map book' or 'I looked in the paper, sent for the application form and completed it.' In my research on autism I have come across this “interprets language literally” thing before and didn’t really think it applied to me that much. Yes, I have a very literal mind and phrases like “she cried her eyes out” automatically create very disturbing or bizarre images in my mind but these are always fleeting as I quickly understand/remember what they really mean. So I didn't think it was much of a problem. However, regarding the quote from the article above, it took me absolutely ages to figure out why the second response to the question would be considered incorrect/inappropriate/strange. Perhaps I am more autistic than I thought! Anyway, most of the tips in the article would be very useful to me. In fact, they all apply to me apart from the one about talking too much. There is no danger of that from me! I’m not sure how I go about asking for interview adjustments but my appointment with the jobcentre’s disability advisor has come through and I’m hoping he’ll be able to help me with this stuff. I just hope it isn’t too late as my appointment is for Thursday. But I know I’d feel a lot, lot better about the interviews if I knew they were going to refrain from asking me abstract “what if” questions. I would also feel more comfortable if they were aware that eye contact is difficult for me and that I may need prompting for more information. Also, one thing I’ve thought of that isn’t mentioned in the article is handshaking. I’m so ridiculously worried about this. Handshaking is difficult for me because I am not comfortable with physical contact but usually I can just force myself to do it. However, as my OCD is so bad at the moment, causing me to wash my hands excessively, my skin is in a very bad state, i.e. dry, cracked and prone to bleeding. I would be mortified if I had to shake someone’s hand and they noticed. Plus, it would be rather disgusting and I wouldn’t want to inflict that on anyone! So yes, if it is reasonable to ask that nobody offers me a handshake I will definitely be asking for that!Oh, I wish it was all over with already! |
| I didn’t blog about this before because I didn’t want to get my hopes up but I applied for two library jobs last Thursday. Anyway, I have been invited to interview for both roles, so yay! Go me! I don’t know the exact time and day of the interviews yet, but they will be sometime during the week beginning April 15th. I am of course ridiculously nervous. I don’t think anyone who knows me will be surprised to hear that I don’t exactly interview well! However, most of the people who work in the libraries seem the shy, quiet, socially awkward type so maybe I actually stand a good chance! Both jobs are for Saturdays only, in two locations—the big central library and one of the town’s smaller libraries. The job at the big library is for 4 hours and the one at the smaller library is for 3. I’m feeling a lot more positive than I was about the healthcare assistant job because I actually know I could do either of these roles. Plus either would be a manageable first step back into the workplace. In fact, those hours couldn’t be more perfect! I haven’t worked since 2005 and I think 3 or 4 hours a week would be ideal for testing my capacity to work and for easing myself back into the work environment. I don’t think I would get overwhelmed or burned out. I so badly want this to happen. I need this to happen. I feel like this really has to happen but I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself. It would be amazing but I need to be realistic—I am a crappy interviewee. Then again, I’ve got at least 10 days to prepare… No, I can’t get too excited. This is great news though and just what I needed after a thoroughly terrible day. |
| I am in such an incredibly bad mood tonight and I think I’ve finally crossed over from self-pity territory to the land of bitterness. Yes, I hate my life and I hate this world and I have lost the ability to care about anything anymore because I am too damn tired and worn down by the continuous struggle life has been for the past twelve years. I’m seeing my support worker tomorrow and I really can’t be bothered because I just know it’s going to be another session where she dismisses how much I’m struggling, compares me to her other clients, making me feel like I'm in some sort of warped competition with them, relates my problems to herself and talks about herself more than listening to me. I’ve been feeling more and more annoyed and let down by her recently but I really should have realised this was going to happen much sooner. I remember early on expressing my worry and shame that when I finally do get a job, I’m not going to be earning anywhere near the amount my peers are earning and that even younger graduates are likely to be more successful than me. And you know what? She had the audacity to moan to me about her £21,000 salary. I mean, really? I just sat there thinking, did she really just complain about earning £21,000 a year to someone who is unwillingly unemployed and has to live on a fraction of that? I honestly don’t know how I managed to restrain myself from slapping her in the face and saying “shut up, you silly cow”. And she does stuff like that all the time. More recently when I told her I can’t get a bus by myself because of my anxiety she just dismissed it and then related it to herself by saying, “oh I can’t either, except in London where it is much easier.” And I just thought, um… what are you talking about? What has that got to do with me and my problem that I need support with? Are you not my support worker? Where’s the damn support?! I’m just feeling crappy tonight because I got stressed trying to fill in a complicated form and my medication is making me feel very ill and I have been having major trouble sleeping. Plus, my mum is on holiday at the moment and my sister is taking advantage of me big time by not doing anything around the house. I jokingly asked the dog earlier if she’d fill my mum’s bird table as I’d washed my hair and didn’t want to go outside while it was wet. I was hoping my sister would volunteer to do it instead, but of course she didn’t. I know I could have just asked her and she’d probably have done it, but only grudgingly, with the air of someone who has just been asked to slaughter a puppy. It wasn’t worth it. There’s so much more but I have moaned enough. My brain is frazzled. I’m taking a sleeping tablet tonight. I only have one left and I was trying to save it for when my voluntary work starts back up after the Easter holiday but I think this is an emergency. I can’t cope with being awake for much longer. |
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