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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I am worn out today. I have been fairly active so I think that and the heat combined has just taken all my energy. I went into town because I wanted to get some sun screen and I ended up going in the pound shop. I bought a frisbee, a tube of tennis balls, a table tennis set and a skipping rope. I often feel fat, which is obviously ridiculous seeing as I just had a bone scan thanks to having a low BMI, but it is usually tied in with my mood. Meaning the lower I am, the fatter I feel. However, the feeling has been much worse than normal recently and I think it’s because I have become quite un-toned and unfit in the four years since I was at University and very sporty (I won’t dwell on that though because thinking about what I had to give up when I moved home makes me want to kill myself). Anyway, I want to start doing a bit more exercise as mostly all I do at the moment is walk Jade. That’s why I bought the stuff from the pound shop. I haven’t used a skipping rope since I was a child, so that should be fun! Mark and I like to play frisbee sometimes and there is a ping-pong table at my local park so we can go there to play table tennis for free. They also have a basketball hoop and I was thinking I might get a ball for that as well. I’m not sure why I got the tennis balls really... playing catch is fun! I might use them for playing games with Jade, though she’s already destroyed one. She can pierce them in seconds if you don’t grab them off her straight away! I think these are all good ways to get back into exercising and once my energy levels have gone up a bit, I might start playing badminton again. There are several leisure centres around here that have various badminton clubs and classes so it shouldn’t be too hard to find somewhere to play. I only want to play casually—I’m not interested in competition. I might go swimming as well. I was good about going swimming while I was doing CBT but I gave it up when my mood crashed. I don’t enjoy it so much, but it is certainly a great way to get fit! When I got home, Jade was very interested in my purchases. She thought everything was for her! I tried out the skipping rope and she went crazy trying to grab it. I let her play with one of the tennis balls, bouncing it off the pavement so she could leap up and try to catch it. But then I dropped it and she seized it, piercing it instantly. She has very scary teeth and an unbelievably powerful jaw.I took a quick break and had a snack and then took Jade out for her walk. She got very hot and tired but I think she had a good time. A couple of little dogs barked at her and she barked back. I don’t really mind her doing that when the other dog starts it first as she’s only defending us. I just hate it when she’s the first one to bark. She’s getting a lot better though and doesn’t do that anywhere near as much as she used to. Now she seems to be as worn out as I am. She’s fast asleep… and snoring! Bless!Tomorrow I’m going back to my voluntary work after a week off due to the half-term school holiday. I’m a little nervous and not exactly looking forward to it but I’m sure it’ll be fine. I hope so anyway! |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Here’s a very sunshine-y song because the weather is so nice today! I’ve been feeling unbearably lonely recently. Although I am a pretty solitary person and often enjoy and need to be alone, it can start to drive me crazy as well. I miss having friends. I wish I’d never lost touch with my University friends. And although I feel so lucky to have Mark, I find being in a long-distance relationship very hard. I recently made contact with an Asperger Syndrome meet-up group and have been invited to go along to their next get together, which will be on the 19th. I know my support worker is very keen for me to go along to this but I feel so anxious about it. I just don’t know if it is going to happen. I don’t know if there is any point in me going anyway as I doubt I’ll ever have friends. I feel that I’m an unlikeable person. And to end this cheerful blog entry, a poem I wrote some time ago about feeling lonely:
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| I had my bone density scan today. It was an interesting experience! When I got there I had to fill in a questionnaire with questions like, how much milk do you have each day? How the hell do I know, lol! Then I had my weight and height measured, which is never fun (yep, I'm still 5 feet small and I'm still slightly underweight ). A scan was taken of my hips first and I had to lie on a bed with this big cube placed under my knees to keep my legs up. After that they scanned my lower back and this time I had to put my feet either side of a plastic triangle. I think I got that the right way round! Both times I had to keep ultra still but thankfully the scans were pretty quick. The guy didn’t tell me the outcome. The results will be sent to my GP and I think I’ll be sent a report as well. Although I’m not convinced the scan was absolutely necessary, I’m still a little nervous about the results. Earlier this evening I finished and released my Pond Poetry reviews. I’ve really gotten back into reviewing, having helped to judge two rounds of Pond Poetry and one of the official contests recently. I even managed to do my Simply Positive reviews last week as well. I am on fire!!! I doubt it will last…!  I don’t know what else to blog about so I’m going to stop…! My last entry was much better. Go read that!   |
| I’ve been trying to sleep as I have to get up early for a blood test tomorrow but my mind won’t switch off. I’ve just been thinking about stuff, mostly from my childhood, and I thought I’d share two very different memories. I’ll start with the bad one. When I was about 8 or 9 I went with my school to a safety centre. It’s called Hazard Alley and it is amazing! The place is HUGE and inside is a “snippet” of a neighbourhood. Everything is actual-size, so there are real houses and parks and all kinds of things. When we got there we were split into groups and assigned a safety advisor who took us around the centre to look at different dangerous scenarios and learn how to keep safe. Unfortunately the guy assigned to my group was a bit of psycho. He was very intense and earnest and determined to impress upon us just how dangerous the world is. He made me very anxious but things got seriously scary when we reached the train tunnel. This was a real-sized tunnel and inside it was a simulation of an approaching train. The guy told us the standard stuff about railway safety, such as never play near or on train tracks and never attempt to cross a track etc. He then thought it was appropriate to describe to us, in graphic, vivid detail, what happens to a person if they get hit by a train. It was truly horrific so I won’t repeat everything he said, but here’s a quote: “your parents would have to identify you from body parts and bits of skin.” Seriously. He said that. To 8 and 9 year old kids! I was a complete wreck for a while after that. I was traumatised. The thought of it would stop me from sleeping and I’d cry for ages as my mum desperately tried to comfort me. Understandably my mum was absolutely furious! She informed the school and made a strong complaint to the centre. I don’t remember if anything came of that… I’ll have to ask her tomorrow. But wow did that have a huge impact on me?! So here’s the nice memory. I was probably about 10 years old and playing outside with a friend (back in the day I actually had friends). We were just walking around the neighbourhood when we saw my older brother leave the local shop. He started heading back to his flat and my friend and I thought it would be funny to follow him and kind of mock-stalk him. Well, we were terrible stalkers and he realised pretty quickly what we were up to. He invited us into the flat and we had some fruit juice and played with his kitten for a little while. He had these absolutely MASSIVE stereo speakers, which he’d just got, and he proudly told us all about them and how cool they were! This is a nice memory for me because I don’t have many memories of my brother, who died in 2005. As we’re only half-siblings we didn’t grow up together. He lived pretty far away but moved to my town when he was about 18 and I was 8. I didn’t really know him that well. If I’d been aware in that moment that he would only live for another 8 years I would have done everything possible to get to know him better. That I didn’t is one of the biggest regrets of my life. But I’m glad that memory came back to me tonight, though inevitably it has made me sad. I must cling on to the few memories of him I have.  |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I heard this song for the first time today in a shop. I used the Shazam App on my phone (which is hands-down the best App ever invented!) to find out what it was. I love it! It's so catchy! My scarily low mood continues but I’m still alive… so yaaaay! (That was a sarcastic “yay” by the way). This morning I got my eyes checked out and beyond a dry-eye problem, everything is fine thankfully. I am going to try out a different kind of contact lens and I have some drops to use before going to sleep, which should hopefully help with how bad my eyes have been on waking up. I’m just so, so glad there is nothing majorly wrong. I went shopping with my mum earlier and bought two books from a second-hand shop. I got “The Wayward Bus” and “The Acts of King Arthur and His Noble Knights”, both by John Steinbeck. Steinbeck is one of my favourite writers so I couldn’t resist. I slept this afternoon as I had very little sleep last night. Plus I’m extremely down and don’t exactly want to be awake too much right now. Then this evening my mum treated me to a Chinese takeaway meal and we watched a couple of episodes of The Big Bang Theory, which we both love. I had a sweet and sour vegetable dish, which was delicious! Tonight I am feeling very emotional and am trying not to cry because I cannot stand crying, especially in front of other people. Mostly I have just been thinking about what a burden I am on society and how I must be such an embarrassment to my family. This obviously isn’t a helpful way to think but I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. Right now I’m feeling that I will never figure out what I’m supposed to be doing and I’ll never get a job. Or perhaps I will get a job, but probably something way below my skill level. I wish I hadn’t made such a spectacular mess of my life. |
| Today I found out I didn’t get the trainee vet nurse job. The letter just said although I’m qualified, there were more suitable applicants. Whatever that means. I strongly suspect they considered me overqualified. The woman even said in my interview she was concerned the role would be “beneath me”. Those were her words. The annoying thing is she didn’t give me the opportunity to say why I do not consider the role “beneath me”. Why would I have applied for it if I did? I think I’m going to really struggle to get a job. I’m overqualified for the kind of things I want to do to ease back into a working environment but I’m not a strong enough candidate for the things I am qualified for because I have very little work experience and a four-year gap in my employment history. Anyway, my overall feeling about the outcome is relief, though it is of course disappointing to fail at something. I would have liked the opportunity to try out the role. But it was unrealistic and probably would have been pretty stupid to go from doing nothing for almost four years to diving straight into a forty hour week. My health is bad at the moment. My mental state is terrible. I would not have been able to handle forty hours a week. I wish I’d never even bothered applying. Last night was hell. I was watching a film and suddenly had the most intense flashbacks and intrusive thoughts I’ve ever experienced. I was quite seriously distressed and couldn’t do a damn thing to help myself. I tried so hard to just distract myself and focus on the film but I couldn’t push the thoughts away. I’d already been feeling really crappy so when the “trigger” happened I was even less able than normal to deal with it. Today has been marginally better but I’m still having strong suicidal thoughts. I don’t know what to do. My support worker is still away. I could call my care coordinator but I don’t feel comfortable with her. I could see my doctor. But I don’t really know what I want or need right now so I don’t know how either of them could help me. I think I’ll just wait and see what happens… |
| I’m in my home… it’s just a memory. I’m in my home… it’s just a memory. I’m in my home… it’s just a memory. I’m in my home… it’s just a memory. I’m in my home… it’s just a memory. Doesn’t work. Neither does, get the hell out of my mind. Or anything like that. None of the grounding techniques work. Distraction doesn't work. Nothing bloody well works. I’ve had such an awful day. I am sick of people. I can’t stand my life. I’m tired of the world. Seriously just want to die. Fuck it all. |
| Okay, let me set the scene… my sister went out clubbing last night and came home drunk. I’d already gone to bed but I heard her come in. Jade was sleeping in my room, in her basket. For some reason Jade is afraid of people when they have been drinking. So anyway, I was listening to the excessive noise my sister was making when suddenly a huge weight landed on my head. After a split second of pain and confusion I realised the damn dog had jumped onto my bed and landed on my head! All 17kg of her. Ow! I pushed her off but I couldn’t get mad because she was shaking. I let her stay on the bed, even though she’s not allowed, because she was so scared. Plus I didn’t want to give her the opportunity to jump on my head again. So she lay shaking in my arms and we fell asleep like that. I have a very bizarre dog! And a ridiculous life, lol!This morning when I woke up I could hardly open my eyes. I keep getting this recently. My eyes have become so sensitive to light that it is ridiculously painful to open them after waking. I also have a stye. I’m sick of my constant eye problems and wonder if this is the price I have to pay for having unusual eyes, lol! I have sectoral heterchromia iridis, which is where part of one iris is a different colour from the rest of it. My left eye is blue and my right eye is three-quarters blue and one quarter brown. I’ve never met anyone else with this before! My eyes are easily my best feature, with their unusual colouring and looooooong lashes. It’s a shame the rest of me is so unattractive!  Apart from my hair. My hair is pretty awesome. I used to hate my curls when I was a child and wondered why I was stuck with a big frizzy mess when my friends all had straight, sleek, shiny locks. Now that I’ve learned how to tame the frizz, I love having curly hair!I think I’m going to shut up now because I’m just rambling on and I don’t even know what I’m talking about! |
| I’ve had a good day but am now having a crappy night! I got up super early this morning so my sister could open her birthday presents before our mum left for work. I think she was really pleased with everything she received. Then we went out to get breakfast, which was nice. I went back to bed once we got home as I’d only had two or three hours of sleep. In the afternoon my sister and I went shopping and I bought a new top. Then I walked Jade and we got rained and hailed on! Jade was not happy! I found out my story, "Invalid Item" , got an Honourable Mention in "Invalid Item" , so yay! I received a lovely merit badge for that.And then this evening I have started to feel so unwell! I get hayfever and it has been bad all day, but tonight it is going crazy for some reason. Why would it be worse at night? That doesn’t seem to make much sense! My chest and nose are killing me. Plus my stomach has decided to join in the fun and is causing me a lot of discomfort right now. So I’m miserable. |
| I finished my machine sewing class this morning and I am sooooooo happy it’s over. I almost didn’t go as I had such a rough night and only ended up getting two hours of sleep. I literally had to force myself to get out of bed! But I’m glad I made the effort as I ended up finishing my bag and it turned out pretty good. I’m surprised at how straight a lot of my stitching is! I had to take a nap this afternoon. I don’t like to sleep during the day but I couldn't help it after such an awful, awful night. My mind just wouldn't shut down. I wish I had a pensieve, like they have in Harry Potter, where you can take your thoughts out and store them to examine later, more objectively. That would be amazing! I walked Jade around the local lake and saw a swan with her cygnet. She hissed at Jade even though we were nowhere near them! I guess she was just being ultra-protective. The other day we got chased by a goose! That was scary… and kind of funny. Geese are scary though. They’re like the mafia of the bird world! I’m starting to think it might be best to stay away from the lake for a while… I’m a little concerned Jade might get attacked by overprotective waterfowl! I called up about the job. They still haven’t decided yet! The woman said she thinks they’ll be letting people know next Monday or Tuesday… a whole week later than she originally said. So annoying! I get that they’re busy but their decisions will affect people’s lives and so I think it is unfair and rude to keep us hanging for so long. I sensed she was a bit peeved at me. When she said she’d been busy she sounded kind of defensive. I hope I haven’t pissed her off!  Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday and I am looking forward to giving her the presents I bought. I think she’ll like them! I love giving people presents! |
| I am in shock at the horror of the terrorist attack in London. That poor young man. My heart goes out to his loved ones and those who witnessed it. How would you ever get over something like that? I find myself asking why? Why did this happen? But I will never understand what makes a person capable of committing such a barbaric, senseless act. I can hardly believe we live in a world where stuff like this happens. |
| Although I have blogged about my Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, I haven’t really explored here, in any detail, just what it all means to me. Sure, the diagnosis has been helpful in making negotiation of the job market a hell of a lot easier, but beyond that? I don’t know. I think I have been putting off actively thinking about it all because I’ve been scared that dwelling on the stuff I can’t change and will always struggle with will worsen my depression. But seeing as my depression probably couldn’t get much worse, now is possibly the time to really think about all of this in some depth! Overall I feel the diagnosis has been a positive thing. I’ve had days of feeling utterly frustrated but most of the time I think having Asperger Syndrome is actually a good thing and I don’t think I would get rid of it if a cure was developed. I don’t think… Well, maybe some aspects of it! I hate how it affects me socially but I’m sure some of the things I like most about myself are down to the AS, for example, my steadfast determination and ability to stick at something until I achieve it, even in the toughest circumstances. I really think this quality is due to my AS and therefore believe I would not have achieved my degree without it. Reading my assessment report was a strange experience and an upsetting one too. At first I didn’t recognise myself in it and freaked out when I eventually did. I had a hard time with phrases like: “…appears to have a long history of social interacting only to meet her needs and will otherwise remain indifferent.” Am I really like that? Perhaps, though I certainly hope not. Another part I struggled with was this: “…has adequate language skills but tends to answer questions briefly and make only essential comments” So other people don’t just make only essential comments and I’m seen as the one with a problem?!  Reading this reminded me of something that happened when I was at University. Although I was doing a science degree, I had to complete several related geography modules (Countryside and Amenity, for example). These tended to be very essay-based and I remember one of the tutors saying to me that my essay style was extremely concise, to the point of being choppy. He wondered if this was because I was more used to writing science reports. But it can’t have been that, as I wrote plenty of essays for my science modules too and wrote about a million when I was in the Sixth Form. I think my AS had something to do with it. I just don’t see the point in saying something if it isn’t absolutely relevant! This is why I like writing short-form poetry best and where I feel my strength as a poet lies.However, I do think my AS has negatively impacted on the treatments I’ve tried for my various mental health problems. I blogged a while ago about alexithymia ("Invalid Entry" ). When I first came across this term, I did already suspect that I might be on the spectrum and this made me even more certain of it. Alexithymia is the inability to identify and describe your own emotions and it is very often associated with Autism Spectrum Disorders. There is no doubt I am alexithymic to quite a great extent and this is obviously very unhelpful when it comes to the talking therapies that are so often used to treat mood and anxiety disorders.It also doesn’t help that I find it extremely difficult to respond to open and/or abstract questions but none of the counsellors or therapists I’ve seen ever picked up on this! I answer questions like that with “I don’t know”, which I understand must be infuriating to hear, but it’s infuriating to say as well! I want to answer, I just don’t know how! I have been labelled “non-compliant” and “difficult to engage” despite showing up to every single appointment, clearly eager to help myself and desperate to change. So now I am truly thankful for the diagnosis because if I go to therapy again I can potentially find a therapist who knows about autism and who understands that they will probably need to adapt how they normally interact to communicate my way because I’m literally unable to change that myself. This is why I recently bought a book called “Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy for Adult Asperger Syndrome” by Valerie Gaus. I have read a lot of books about Asperger Syndrome and autism since I first started to seriously consider that I might be on the spectrum and several since my diagnosis too, but I think this has been the best one so far. I think it may be the first one that looks at how AS affects psychological treatment. Although some of it was focused on actually “treating” the AS (through learning social skills etc), there was a lot about treating co-morbid conditions too (such as depression, OCD etc). The book is actually aimed at therapists but I wanted to read it to gain a greater understanding of my condition and how it affects my co-morbid conditions and ability to go through successful treatment. I think it will be extremely helpful for if I do get therapy again as I have more of an idea of how to help the therapist help me, if that makes sense. To be continued…  |
| Tonight I feel like I could start crying and never stop and I have no idea why! I just feel overwhelmingly sad for no apparent reason. Well, it’s probably exhaustion. My voluntary work was tough this morning. Buster seemed to be in a bad mood and I found him difficult to handle. He kept walking quickly when it would have been helpful for him to go a bit slower, and slowing right down when we needed him to go faster! He also kept throwing his head up and down and rubbing his face on me, though much harder than normal. I checked his tack but everything looked fine, so I’m not sure what was bothering him. I felt really achy afterwards… like I’d been beaten up by a horse… ! I also found the session tough because a different child was on Buster than normal and I haven’t interacted with her much. That was difficult for both of us, I think, but I tried really hard and think she felt a bit more comfortable with me towards the end of the lesson. I hope so anyway. One good thing is that I’m getting better at interacting with the other volunteers and I have now successfully “small-talked” with most of them! Argh! Go me! I felt completely worn out after that and haven’t done much else apart from walk Jade twice, read and hang out on WDC. I was supposed to be meeting with my support worker and care coordinator to go through my care plan but my support worker has gone off sick. I’m meeting my care coordinator tomorrow instead now, but I don’t really know why.  I’m not looking forward to that!I haven’t heard about the trainee vet nurse position yet, though the lady said she’d call Monday or Tuesday. Why do they do this to me?! I just want to know so I can start dealing with the outcome. It’s really stressing me out. I feel like taking a sleeping tablet tonight, even though I took one last night. I just really don’t want to be awake anymore. I’m so badly struggling with my trauma at the moment, thanks to the return of an incredibly triggering health problem. Can’t believe this is happening again. |
| I have finally made my short story public. It’s exactly one month since I put it in my port but I didn’t plan that. I love coincidences! Here it is:
It has an 18+ rating for a reason. I get anxious that people will miss the rating and then be offended by the content. But I suppose that is their problem really… I’m proud of some of it, confused by parts of it and nervous about all of it and how it will be received. It’s kind of obscure, I think. That was my intention anyway! I don’t know why my brain comes up with stuff like this. I’m not sure how long I’ll keep it in the public domain… Argh! Damn, I should just stick to the poetry. Sharing that doesn’t make me anywhere near as nervous as this! |
| I’ve had a bad couple of hours of flashbacks and associated obsessive behaviour and I don’t know what the hell triggered it all this time… Wish I knew how to handle it. The flashbacks I can cope with, but the obsessive stuff is too much and really messes with my mind. It gets to a point where I literally want to claw the thoughts from my head… What a horrible image! It doesn’t help that it’s 3:20am. It had been a while since I’d seen this hour until last night I think. That reminds me, I need a new poetry plug. I’ve had "Invalid Item" up for ages now! Maybe I’ll try and distract myself from the craziness a bit by deciding on which item to plug next. I started reading The Shining Girls by Lauren Beukes last night. I read a review of it in the paper and felt completely intrigued by the concept so when I saw the book for £5 in the supermarket I couldn’t resist. It’s weird! Beyond that I’m not too sure how I feel about it. I’m over 100 pages in and still don’t feel comfortable with the author’s style. But it is highly readable. I just really kind of wish I hadn’t read something in the opening chapter as it has left me feeling a bit traumatised. I am interested to find out what happens. It certainly is a creative idea! It’s good to be reading again. I’ve only read about 15 books this year. That is shocking for me. Last year I read 13 books in January alone. I think that is probably the worst thing about my depression—when it stops me from reading. I can’t stand it. I’m finally starting to feel tired. Yay! I think I’ll go to bed very soon. Hopefully my mind will let me sleep... |
| I’ve tried several times to start a blog entry tonight… I feel like blogging, I’m just not sure what I want to say… Perhaps I should just do what I normally do and start with how my day has gone. I’ve had a looooooong and stressful day. My machine sewing class was very frustrating this morning. I’ve sewn the flap of my bag on wonky but do not have time to correct it if I want to finish the whole item before the course ends. I sewed the buttonhole waaaaay off-centre and had to correct this because it looked absolutely awful! So I spent a good portion of the lesson unpicking stitches… again. I felt frustrated with the teacher because I don’t think she is giving us beginners enough guidance and we keep messing up. I know making mistakes is part of the learning process but I don’t think we would be messing up quite so spectacularly if she came over to help us a bit more. Anyway, next week is the last class and I can’t wait for it to be over. I don’t think sewing is for me but I’m proud of myself for sticking at it… I’ve started changing up Jade’s walks a bit. Normally I’ll take her on one big walk a day (and she goes in the garden whenever she needs to) but I think this is becoming too much for her. So on some days I’ve done two short walks, spaced quite far apart, to make it more manageable. I’m going to continue to do it like this (a combination of one big walk or two spaced-out short ones) until I feel she can’t do a big walk anymore. It’s more convenient for me to just have one walk a day but if Jade gets to where she can no longer do this, I have no problem adapting to two. I want my dog to stay happy and healthy (though I'm not sure she's 100% healthy... I think there might be something wrong with her mouth... )This afternoon I visited my doctor… again.  I’m at the surgery so often I’m thinking of moving in there. I have to have another blood test and yet another ultrasound scan. Both my doctor and I think all results will come back clear but he wants to be safe. If they do come back clear then I think I’m going to be diagnosed with IBS. He has given me some medication to help with the symptoms of IBS in the meantime but I don’t think I’ll be able to take them because they’re quite big and I have problems with swallowing.I have a feeling my doctor doesn’t always understand me when I speak! I think this is because of a combination of factors: 1. I speak very quietly and I can’t seem to change this, no matter how hard I work at it; 2. I have a tendency to talk extra fast when I feel anxious and I always feel anxious at the doctors; 3. I can rarely speak coherently when I’m stressed and will let sentences trail unfinished, stumble over my words, mix tenses and use obscure colloquialisms a lot, amongst other things; and 4. English is not my doctor’s first language, meaning he probably has to work harder than average to understand normal patients, let alone the babbling, incoherent weird ones! If only we could all communicate through the written word at all times… I’m sure my life would be a lot easier! I should probably tell him about my Asperger’s Syndrome… that my might help somewhat. I’m reading an interesting book about Asperger’s Syndrome at the moment but I’ll save writing about that for another time… I’m going to stop blogging now because my eyes are killing me and I need to get off the computer! Anyway, I’ve gone from not knowing what to blog about, to practically writing an essay… |
| I’ve had such a long, exhausting morning! I went to my voluntary work for an hour and then dashed home to get ready for my interview, which was at 12pm. It seemed to go okay but I never can tell. The interviewer apparently enjoyed the sound of her own voice as she would not shut up! That was kind of frustrating as she kept cutting me off and I didn’t get to answer some of the questions as fully as I would have liked. But we seemed to have a good rapport and I got her talking about her dogs, a subject I realised quickly she is very passionate about, so hopefully I came across as a friendly person and she’ll remember that. The good news is, if they like you, they invite you to spend a couple of days there to see how you’d fit in and if you still think it would be suitable. This is a great idea and I’d love to get to that stage so I can try out the role. I feel relieved that they do it that way as I really wouldn’t know, at this point, whether to accept it if I got offered it. She said she’ll be calling people next Monday or Tuesday so there’s a bit of a wait. I need to try and switch off from it all now. It’s out of my hands and I feel I gave myself a good chance. It was a damn draining process though. And one thing I’ve learned is that I can fake smile for pretty much 45 minutes straight! So, I badly want to get to the next stage but after that? I don’t know. I was thinking last night that this might be a way to realise my long-buried ambition. Who knows? This could work out and I could spend a few years training and working as a vet nurse. And if so, then maybe I could go on to do a Veterinary degree, if that feels right. Why the hell not? When I wrote my last entry I felt down that I’d left it too late but perhaps I haven’t. I mean, what the hell does it matter when a person qualifies? So what if I’d be 35, 40? Plenty of people do degrees well into their 50s these days! My 80-something year old great Uncle is studying for a degree. If it’s meant to happen, I will find a way to make it happen. The vet nurse route might be a way of helping me to see if Veterinary Science really is for me. I don’t know! I’m getting ahead of myself. I feel so confused and torn about everything. I’m also absolutely exhausted so am debating whether to take a nap before I walk Jade. Sounds like a plan to me! I hope I don’t have anything on tomorrow because I really feel like I need a break. |
| Since applying for the vet nurse thing my mind has been torturing me with the thought that if I hadn’t been assaulted in hospital at 14, if my parents hadn’t split up when I was 16 and if my brother hadn’t died when I was 18, then I wouldn’t be depressed (or as depressed) and I would therefore never have let my childhood dream die. Meaning, if all that shit hadn’t happened, I would be a qualified vet by now. I know it is supremely unhelpful to live life asking “what if…?” and it’s a really unhealthy way to think, but I seriously can’t help it at the moment. So yeah, I’m feeling pretty awful… And I have no idea what to do about the job I am interviewing for on Tuesday. I feel so unsure about it so I bet this is the one I get offered! I guess all I can do is go with the flow and deal with whatever the outcome is… I hate having to do that! I like to feel more in control. I’m seeing my support worker tomorrow. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I might try and tell her some of the stuff that’s been going through my mind but I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if she turns it around on herself and tells me about any similar experiences she’s had. I might just end up saying, “sorry to be rude, but I really can’t bring myself to care about your experience at the moment. Do you mind if we go back to my problem—the one I’m experiencing right now?” I’ve felt like saying that to her so many times! Argh! I’m going to shut the hell up right now because blogging isn’t helping. |
| Last night I submitted my CV and a kick-arse cover letter for a trainee vet nurse role. I’m really not sure if this is the right thing for me but knew I’d regret letting the opportunity pass. I thought I’d go for it to see what happens. So this morning, whilst I was at my machine sewing class, I got a phone call (the class is very informal so it was fine for me to take a call!) And guess what? I’ve only gone and got myself another interview for next Tuesday!  I kind of lost my focus in class after that and made mistake after mistake. Let me tell you, spending twenty minutes unpicking stitches, attempting to redo them and then spending another twenty minutes unpicking them again is not fun… AT ALL! I’m very unhappy with the little sewing I actually did manage to achieve and have decided to redo it at home. So frustrating!Once home I went into a bit of panic because I felt bad that the interview will clash with my voluntary work. The fact that I felt really anxious about this speaks volumes to me—I’m now absolutely certain that I have finally found the right volunteer role (yay!) Anyway, I figured out that I would have time to go along for about an hour. I will have to leave midway through the lesson but at least I’ll be able to help out beforehand with tacking up etc. I still need to text the leader to make sure this is okay but I’m pretty sure it will be and that they’ll be pleased I can at least come for the first half of the session. Also, this plan has the added bonus of me being occupied before the interview so I don’t get too nervous about it or start over-thinking things! Once I’d sorted that out in my mind and started to relax I thought of something else to panic about: I don’t know where the vet surgery is! So I decided to use my trusty GPS (named Davinia! ) to go and find it. It’s a fairly straight-forward though completely boring journey and there is plenty of parking at the surgery. So phew!I got home and started to unwind when a new panicky thought leapt into my head: the woman who contacted me about the interview didn’t ask if I will need any adjustments! I wasn’t sure if it was worth pursuing this. I thought that as I’m not 100% sure about the job perhaps I should just take a chance and do a regular interview, even though that would put me at a disadvantage. Then I thought, maybe this is the right thing for me and I just don’t know it yet and I need to give myself the best chance just in case. So I emailed the disability advisor at the jobcentre for advice. Now I really do need to unwind because I have been operating at full power all day and I feel exhausted! I think I’ll take Jadey for a nice, leisurely walk... in the horrible wind! |
| [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] I’m having a bad day! Actually, the morning was good. I went to my voluntary work. The leader asked me to tack up Murphy and joked that I’d been “promoted” from Buster! But I didn’t get to do it as it turned out the child who usually rides him wasn’t coming. So I got to assist someone else with tacking up Buster. I supervised because they haven’t done it as much. They asked me a few questions to check they were doing it right and I had to show them how to do one of the straps on the bridle and how to fasten up the reins safely. It felt good to be the knowledgeable one! I lead Buster in the lesson and got to untack him afterwards and put him out in the field. He rubbed his face on me loads and did it after eating a carrot and got carrot juice all over my top! I forgave him though!I saw my support worker this afternoon and that’s when things started to go downhill. It really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense that I often feel worse after seeing my support worker, does it? I just got overwhelmed in the appointment today. I can’t be bothered to go into detail about why but it is mainly because things feel a bit uncertain and out of control at the moment and I can’t handle it. I’m fine when I have a specific goal and I’m absolutely certain about what I want—I pursue it like crazy and don’t give up until I have succeeded—but I just can’t figure out what I want at the moment. The thing is, I practically killed myself getting my degree and I firmly believe now that I did the wrong degree. Seriously, it took about two years to recover from the experience. Therefore I am absolutely terrified of committing to anything in case it’s the wrong thing again. I want to be 100% sure of something before I do it but that just isn’t possible for a lot of things. Blah, blah, blah. What’s really getting me down is that I’m doing so much to recover from my depression—attending all my appointments, forcing myself to walk the dog even though I feel exhausted, going to my voluntary work even though I get so anxious about it etc—and yet I don’t feel even the slightest bit better. I’m so damn motivated but I may as well just stay in bed for all the difference it makes. In fact, I’d probably feel better if I just stayed in bed because I’d be in exactly the same place as I am now, just less exhausted. Today I’m questioning the point in continuing to fight… |
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