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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| If you died tomorrow, not by your own hand, what would you say at your own funeral if you could?
This is an interesting idea I ran accross while surfing through the featured items. I thought about it... and I feel I must make my own. "For all of those that I hurt during my life, know that I am truely sorry. I never mean to hurt anyone, but at times, it is necessary. For all those I loved, know that my love is still with you, and that I will be with you always, no matter where you go. For all those that I have lost contact with in my life, I say this: I never wanted to lose you, I never wanted to leave. Sometimes it seems as though the fates were against us, but I as I said before, I am always with you. For all who I leave behind, I say this. Continue with your lives, knowing that somewhere, I live on. I am happy, I am at peace. I will always be with you, and I will wait for you to join me in the next life." Eh, it's a depressing topic, but interesting nonetheless. I'm not sure what I would add to this... I'll have to think about it. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting   |
| Why is it that people don't believe me when I say I'm sorry?
Today was a long day. I ended up getting around 4 people mad at me, and only one accepted my apology. Why is that? I apologized to all 4, and I ment it, and what happened to make them mad was my fault (I was having a bad day and taking it out on the world). So why is it that people refuse to believe that I'm actually sorry. One person actually said TO MY FACE that they didn't believe me, and no, they don't forgive me. So I decided to take a look at what it is about me that makes people think I'm not actually apolegetic. And I came to one basic conclusion that covers it. People just don't think I actually care. They don't. They've know me (or at least they think they've know me) for a couple of years (except the one who eventually forgave me) and they've drawn the conclusion that I don't give a damn about anyone, or their respective emotions. Supposedly, all I care about is me and my feelings and "screw them if that pisses them off". The one who forgave me, strangely, I guess knows me well enough to realize that when I apologize I mean it - yes, this coldhearted bitch can actually FEEL emotions like guilt! The funny thing is, that I actually like the fact that people don't see the real me. Usually it doesn't bug me that they don't think I care. Because it results in them giving up when they're trying to make fun of me. I've gotten used to the fact that noone in my group actually knows that I have emotions. Maybe I should remedy that situation. Ahh, well, that's it. Pretty much. If anyone has ideas about why people may not belive me, let me know - I'd be interested in hearing them. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| This is the me I let the rest of the world see...
I watched her, she was laughing. When I looked at her more closely, I saw that the smile she wore wasn't true. She wasn't really happy, but that was the face she showed the world. I heard her, she was joking. When I listened to her voice more closely, I heard the pain behind the words. She wasn't really happy, but that was the image she portrayed to the world. As I see her in the halls everyday, I wonder. Is that who she really is? Is she really this coldhearted bitch that doesn't let the world touch her? Or is that just the mask she wears to keep the world away? See, I know she just went through a part of her life that would have everyone else in this world in tears, yet she goes along her way, happy, free, joking, not letting anyone see her pain. She hangs out with her friends, seemingly happy, seemingly full of joy, and they don't see her pain. Most of them don't even know she should be in pain right now, as they did not know the full joy of her life before the pain came. They don't understand that he was her soulmate. They think he was "just another boyfriend". They don't understand at all. They didn't see the way she looked at him. They didn't (couldn't) know how she felt, how she still feels. They don't know the pain. I watch her, I see her, I hear her, I know the mask she wears. It's a beautifully crafted mask, one that no one knows is there. But what is she like? Who is she on the inside? Why won't she show her pain? Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Have you ever noticed that it can be incredibly hard to get close to someone? And for every person you happen to open up a little, there are a dozen more who have never seen the real you, but consider you a "good friend"? I was thinking today (as I may have pointed out before - a bad thing for Fae) and I realized that in my life only 6 people have seen the real me. Of those 6 - 1 commited suicide when I was 10, I've drifted from another (that's what happens when you change schools), 1 i'm currently drifting away from, and another I've temporarily lost due to my own problems and commitment issues. Is it really that hard to open up to someone?
Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| "Her promises that I was her only love, empty words."
- From the Portfolio of Elyaswolflord As I read what he wrote, tears streaming down my face, I think to myself, "Is this really what he thinks of me?". The ache in my heart suddenly turning to stabbing pain, my eyes unable to believe the beauty of what he's written, and the pain of it. This is what I did to him. The pain I caused him, I caused myself, but that was neccessary. "Goddess, he must hate me!" I am unsure what to write. He told me he wanted a review, so I chose the poem I hadn't read yet. And this pain washes over me, a flood, like the ocean tide gliding over the sand. "I did this to him.... How could I have done this to him?" And like so often before, I can't breath. But this time it's because of the pain. "Goddess, am I that horrible?" Take me away from this pain....
Kgirlfae ~ Wanting
To see the item that inspired this journal entry: "Invalid Item"  |
| Ramble #1 by the Fae - don't expect this to make any sense!
What did I do to him? I caused him pain. I swore to myself that I would do everything in my power to stop him from hurting, and what did I do? I hurt him more. Am I that heartless? How could I have done this to him? He tells me I have nothing to be sorry for, no reason to ask for his forgivness. Yet, I am putting him through hell. HELL!! And he tells me that he understands and that he will wait. What did I do to deserve him? And what did I do to my angel-in-disguise? I hurt him. I pulled his heart (still beating) out of his chest. And he says that I've done nothing wrong, that I should not feel guilty. I have caused him pain. I swore I could never do that. Never yet I did. I caused him more pain that I ever could have imagined. And he does not hold me at fault. I am not worthy of such love. How can I ever deserve him? What did I ever do? I say I am not worthy, and he insists that I am, that I am worth more that he could ever express. But I am not deserving of such praise. I deserve to be flung itno a pit of snakes, or lions, for what I've done to him. He says all of this, though I can hear the pain in his voice. He says it all calmly, cooly, only rarely losing his composure. I have caused him this pain. What have I done? I am not worthy. Not worthy. I'm sorry my love. You'll tell me not to be, you'll insist I have no reason to be, but I am. I am more sorry than words can say. My love, my dearest, I would have done anything to keep you from pain. And I caused you more. I'm sorry. I am not worthy of your love. I love you. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
"Have you ever broken you're own heart?
Well, I figured that would be a good quote to start off with, since it has something to do with this entry... That's what i've just done. I've just broken my own heart, and I had to. No, I wasn't forced by anyone else. I just realized that the relationship I was in wasn't quite right for my life right now. And though I love the guy with everything in me, I had to break up with him. What a wonderful world, eh?
Opened up your chest and ripped it apart?" - From one of my poems (not published on this site) So, my question to everyone who reads this is: Have you ever broken your own heart? Have you ever had to hurt yourself and someone else because you'd realized that it was the best thing to do in the long run? Please Send a response, even if it's anonymous. I'd really like to find out if i've been a total idiot. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Have you ever noticed just how much life sucks?
I mean it, life is hell. No matter how you look at it, that's how it stays. Sure, we may have moments of happiness, but no matter how good things get, it always comes crashing down. Life is a cycle. Everytime something good happens to you, something bad ( i mean really damn bad ) is right around the corner. You can be happy as possible one day, and then suddenly, everything sucks. People who say that life is good are kidding themselves, or have thier heads stuck so far up their asses that they don't see the real world around them. Life is pain, life is hell, life sucks and then you die. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
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