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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| Well, let's hear it for the traditional formal dance of Highschool! Whoohoo!
So I went to prom this Friday, it was amazing. It really really was. I've spent the past... what is it now? 3 odd days trying to come up with a good way to recount the whole thing... I can't, big surprise. Anywhoo. It was great. The place was great, the food was... eh... so, so, the DJ was better than usual... and my date.... *sighs, swoons* was wonderful. He's such an amazing guy. So I had the best time of my life. I really did. It's the most fun I've had packed into 5 hours since the last time I went to Eliches... only even more fun. *sigh* Kgirlfae ~ Wanting   |
| "If I told you this was kiling me, would you, would you stop?"
- Juliana Theory Why do people hate to be told what is making you upset? When you get into a fight, why do people hate it when you let them know exactly why you are fighting with them? Wouldn't it just be better for them to know, so they can fix the behavior in the future? Honestly, I'd rather know when people have a problem with me, because I want to fix it. I'd rather save friendships than destroy them by letting hostilities build up until they explode. I've yet to meet anyone who really understands this ideal. I don't mind people critizizing me. In fact, I am one of the few that actually like it. Yes. I'm strange. But that's me. Grumble grumble grumble. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| My dad wants me to become an optimist, my grades suck, I'm going to fail IB Math Methods, and I'm just having a miserable time in my classes. I'm getting more and more depressed about life in general and I'm sick of felling like an idiot.
That's all Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Funny thing is, I never really think about what goes through my head. I sit here, typing away, and I have to force thoughts out of there - They refuse to come on thier own. And when I try to let them flow freely, I can't do it. In fact, the only times I can do that are when I'm writing to my boyfriend. Somehow the words always just flow when I'm doing that. And it's scary... Everything about it is scary. One of those things where I had decided that love wasn't worth it, and then BOOM up pops the muncher, and I'm in love again... I didn't plan on it, and at first I didn't want it, but there it was, and I couldn't deny the gods what they were screaming in my ear - "Hello?? This guy's been here for the last two years.... Why havn't you realized you love him?" And that's the thing - I loved him all along, and I refused to admit it, simply because I didn't want to think that it could be that easy. I had to go looking for love in places it wasn't, and as a result got burned. But maybe I needed those burns to be able to withstand our love, for, as anyone who knows us will tell you, it hasn't been easy. But it's because I have to fight for it that I love it all the more. I could give up like I have in the past, like I did with Kebeth, but I won't. Sad thing is, I wish I had realized that I loved the muncher before I went and screwed up my life with Elyas.
There were times during my relationship with Elyas that I just wanted Munchie. It was odd. Like when my knee decided to bend in a whole new way... I fell, and when the haze in my eyes cleared, part of me was hoping that it would be Munchie above me, making sure I was okay. It was Elyas, and I comforted myself with the fact that yes, Munchie was a friend, and that was it. Elyas was my boyfriend and it was his duty to be there when I got hurt. Oh well. And then there was the time that FBLA was selling suckers as fundraising, and I really wanted one. Elyas didn't have the money for it, and I was, as always, flat broke. Munchie was selling them and he just gave me one. I think it was then that I first realized how blind I had been. Even though I was dating Elyas, I developed a crush on Munchie. I realize now that when you really love someone you don't even really notice other guys. I guess that should have been my first clue that Elyas wasn't my "soul-mate" but, hey, I've always been a sucker for that whole romantic thing. I was roped in, and then he used that tie against me. I know that Munchie would never do that. Simply because I know that Munchie would rather hurt himself before hurting me, this has actually been proven in real life. So I feel safe. Elyas and I had an... interesting... relationship. I don't think he realized that he never even came close to getting inside my walls. He just wanted to convince himself that someone would love him, and he did everything in his power to get that love. He wrote me eloquent letters, he bought me stuff. When he screwed up, he bought roses just before I chewed him out. The guy had excelent timing. But that's all it was - timing. Towards the end, I just used that against him. I've never really had a problem disconnecting myself from the situation, and for the most part, I did that with Elyas. Part of me still hates him for what he did, and part of me still loves him. It's odd. But that love was never the love that I have for Munchie. The love I felt for Elyas was more like that of a superior to someone that needs help. It was a guiding love. I pushed him to be more that he was, and unfortunatly, it didnt' really work. I dont' think he realizes, even to this day, exactly what he could accomplish if he put his mind to it - he's got some of the same issues as me, a great mind, but NO motivation. Or his motivation is in the wrong place at times. Damn, I just went blank again. Oh well.... more of this later then. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Ok. So. If you read the last post, you got a wiff of how I tend to Manipulate people and not give a damn. Ok, so, here's the thing. I don't give a damn because I never really invest my own feelings. With one exception - Kebeth - but I think that's why I regret hurting him. But that's a whole different story.
I have this thing where I can make people think I am feeling a certain way when I'm really not. For the most part I really don't FEEL anything. It's hard to discribe, but I kind of just paint on the emotions I want people to think I'm feeling, but underneath there's nothing. Or there's pain. Or hatred. Usually a mix of pain and hatred. I lost all trust in humanity when I was in elementary school (over the course of a few years). So I can convice people I care about them, and then use them for information. I have so much stuff stored up in my head about different people that I could blackmail half of my friends in an instant. People just talk to me. Problem is, starting about 5-7 months ago, I realized I was starting to care about people. With the exception of Kebeth that had never happened up to that point in my life. It all started when I "adopted" my sisters. I really couldn't put the false cover of emotions on, because the three of us have this thing where I could swear we read eachother's minds. They always know what's wrong with me, and I them. And I can't hide my pain from them. After that, I became better and better friends with someone who is now one of my best friends, and almost a sister to me. She has her issues, but I would never use them against her like I would with others. She's an amazing person who I do really love, in that non-romantic, good-friend kind of way. And then, 3 months ago, I fell in love with an amazing, wonderful guy. I could never use him like I used the last guy I "fell in love" with. Then again - I wasn't ever really in love with the other. I learned my lesson when I tried it with Kebeth - I can't isolate myself from the people I care about, and eventually everyone realizes there's manipulation going on. So I'm being careful with this one - the second I catch myself trying to fall into my old habits, I stop myself immediatly. I don't want to lose him like I lost Kebeth. All in all, I think my ways are changing. Oh, sure, I can still find people I don't give a damn about to manipulate to my own amusement. But that's just me. I'm the person that enjoys tormenting the idiotic popular clique so that they start cussing me out, and then I just laugh at them. They've yet to realize that (a) I dont' mind being called a bitch - they don't know me, how could they tell? and (b) Hey - at least I won't be serving up fries at McDonalds for the rest of my life, or being a cashier at some store. I have goals, which, ironically, include a cashier - but I'll be running the store. I am always entertained by the idiocy of others. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Damn, yet another person has accused me of manipulating them. Wait a second... do I care? Answer: NO
Welcome to my world - Unless you are one of three/four people, chances are, I'm using you to further my own motives. I'll push you into things you don't want to do, I'll make you think things about me, and your feelings towards me, that you don't actually feel, in order to get you to do what I want you to do. And do I care? No. I'm manipulative. I'll push people into things they are uncomfortable with because it suits my needs at the time. In the past, I've been known to use peoples affections for me to get what I want, and then dump them like that potato salad that has been left in the fridge too long - old, moldy, and ewww. I don't care who I hurt, or that I hurt them, all I care about is that I got what I wanted from them, and I don't have to deal with their pathetic whining any more. So, if you decide to accuse me of manipulating you, I have a nice little reply - "Grow up" and "Geeze, are you dense, it took you this long??" Meh, that's life, get over it. I don't care that I've manipulated people. In fact, I think there is only one person I regret having manipulated in my entire life - Kebeth. As for everyone else - thanks for everything, and I sure as hell don't regret hurting you. In fact, as most people who know me will tell you, I enjoy watching others in pain. I will pick at people just to get them yelling at me - I enjoy a good fight. So next time you decide to call me a manipulative bitch, and expect it to be an insult, keep in mind that not only do I not give a damn, I take it as a compliment. Oh - and my advice to all males reflects this attitude - "Don't ever fall in love with a female, we are all heartless, soulless, manipulative bitches who will do nothing but rip your heart out. Become gay now and save yourself a lot of problems" Thank you, and come again. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Isn't it amazing how time just slides past you, and doesn't bother to tell you that it's leaving you hanging by the side of the road?? I woke up this morning, and realized just how fast the past year and a half have gone. A year and a half ago, I wasn't even the same person, yet here I am. Much of my foolish beliefs in the wonders of man have been stripped away, and I am no longer the girl behind the mask that I was before. Maybe the masks have just changed... I'm not sure.
18 months ago, I was busy pushing all the people I was close to as far away from me as possible. I destroyed friendships that meant the world to me, and I didn't give a damn. I liked the feeling of isolation. I liked feeling in control of others emotions, when I wasn't even in control of my own. 13 months ago, I started dating Elyas. I thought he was my soul mate... Dear Goddess, how could I have been so stupid? Here I was, ready to throw away my future for a guy who was 2 years older than me, and had absolutely no future. Well, unless you count a low-end job as a future... I don't. I gave up friends, I gave up on school, and I destroyed my relationship with my parents. How naive can a person be? 7 months ago, I broke up with Elyas. You could call this my awakening, but it really wasn't. Sure, I had to break up with him to maintain a working realationship with my parents. But I always kept hope that he and I would end up together. I hinged my life upon it. ICK. Again - naive. He promised he would wait... but, HELLO?? 19 year old with no girlfriend... I had to be kidding myself. 4 months ago, Elyas rippped my soul out strand by strand. He burned me down to the inner depths of my walls, and left me bare. And then he expected me to forgive him. I think not. I was jarred out of the one dream I had that was keeping me going. Thank the Blessed Lady it came 2 days before winter break. I didnt' have to deal with school at the same time, and I had the opportunity to redirect my life. I confessed my affections for a close friend of mine... granted, I did so to him on the phone... not exactly an easy way to do so... but hey, I've always been the type to set myself up for failure. Lucky me - I didn't fail! :) 3 months ago, I started dating Munchie (whom my cousins have now taken to calling Moochie, lol). He has always been a friend, and he was one of the people who caught me when I fell. Thanks to him, I no longer feel like the world is out to get me, and I think my soul has been restored. The slow aching pain that resulted from my disillusionment of Elyas has now faded, and while I still feel like ripping Elyas' balls off (or better yet, taking a cheese grater to them), I don't think I would actually act upon those impulses. A year and a half ago, if I had had the chance to meet myself as I am today, I don't think I would have recognized myself. A year an a half ago, I would have been scarred shitless of my future. I always thought I was the one in control of time, but it ran me over, and keep on going down the road (45 MPH above the speed limit, may I add). It's been an odd year and a half... Great... here goes the next one... Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| I have noticed recently that everyone has people that anchor them to thier reality. Friends, family, whatever, they are always there for you to let you know who you are. They are open with you, they tell you when you are being an ass, and they don't let you get away with anything. These people may fade from your life for a while, but they always return, and they never really leave your heart.
I'm lucky in that I have 4 Foundation Stones. They are people who keep me rooted in (semi-)reality, and that see through my attempts to keep people away. Two of them are my "sisters". I have theorized that the three of us were meant to be born as sisters, but the gods screwed up. They keep me humble, as I do them, and they are there for me when I feel like no one will listen. One is an old old friend. He and I have had our issues, but luckly we have recently found each other again. The last is someone who, though I didn't realize it, has been a foundation stone of mine since we met 2 and a half years ago. I have recently realized how important he is to me, and I yell at myself all the time for not seeing it earlier. Foundation Stones are important. They keep you tied down to reality when you feel like there is nothing else to keep you going. They keep the turbulence of the world, which so many people get lost in, from carrying you away. They are people that catch you when you fall, and lift you back up. So here it is - Thank you to all of my Foundation Stones - You know who you are. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| My parents are letting me drop IB!!!! WhooHoo!!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! YEA!!
Ok... well, that's about it. Life is still icky, but I can rest assured that It'll be getting better soon.... Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Well, if you've been reading my journal for the past few entries, you've realized by now that I've got many many friends with many many problems. ICK. Well, the good news (kinda) is that one of them has just left our school to attend a new one (which hopefully will help her). Another has gotten over his suicidal tendencies, and I think the others are coming to terms with thier issues as well. *Sigh*. That, and I've decided to really release my ex-boyfriend from his promises, thus I don't have to have him on my mind anymore. He's happy where he is right now, and I am very happy myself.
I hate Febuary. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
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