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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| For the record, I have always hated Valentine's Day with a passion that is only rivaled by my friend Maury (who's exboyfriend cheated on her with a male, and was born on Valentine's Day). My boyfriend knows this, and decided to take it upon his shoulders to make me like Valentine's Day again.
The past week I've been showered with gifts (which part of me loved, and part of me despised being put in the spotlight). Chocolate Covered Cherries, A stuffed rabbit (the cutest stuffed animal I've seen to this day), Chinese Caligraphy, Devil Horns + Tail... the list goes on and on and on. And yesterday I got the biggest gifts of all - A three foot tall stuffed bear, a bunch of chocolate, and a beautiful glass dolphin music box that plays "Fur Elise"... one of my favourite Beethoven compositions. And then my boyfriend warned me that there would be more.... I never got it. Halfway through the second period of the day, everyone in the school was herded down to the Large Gym. Our school had a gas leak... and we got evacuated (WHOO HOO!!). So halfway through the day we were able to go home. I dropped my carpool off, and my boyfriend and I went out to lunch. So I have never, EVER, gotten out of school like that. I have never been evacuated, I have never had anything like that happen. So I'm happy.... I never got the rest of the gifts though - Having the shcool closed down ruined that. But I have to say, getting out of school, and being able to have a Valentine's Day lunch with my boyfriend was worth anything else he could have given me. Just being able to sit and talk with him for a few hours was better than anything else he could have given me. Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Kgirlfae ~ Wanting   |
| Ok, so this is great. Someone read my little ramble that I posted last night, and now he's all worried that he's burdening me. Funny thing is... he's really the only person keeping me sane, and even though he has his issues, I really can't avoid helping him with them, as I'm an empath and I can tell when he's hiding stuff.... GRARGH. So you've got to love life... I mean really... I can't complain about people using me as a safety net, because if I do, they'll stop using me as one... if they stop using me as a safety net, they fall. I don't want my friends to fall.
So here I am... I need someone, anyone to vent to, so I take it out on my poor journal and anyone who happens to stumble by and read it. Now people are worried about me (Don't worry I'm fine!) and afraid to open up to me. ICK ICK ICK. I want them to open up to me... It's just hard on me when I can't tell anyone all the secrets I'm harbouring for other people. I can't complain that "so and so" is using me as a safety net in some situation, because I've promised "so and so" (well... two or three "so and so's") That I wouldn't mention thier names, situations, or anything about it or them. So I'm caught knowing all these things about my friends, trying to help them, but feeling like I'm drowning, and I can't have anyone save me because I'm not allowed to call for help. "Like a drowning man goes through air" Icky Icky Icky. I know I should be able to find good stuff in my life... and I've been trying. It doesn't help that Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and I've never liked that holiday. My boyfriend is doing everything he can to change that (but, sorry dear, it's one of those sentiments that just can't be changed. I love everything you're doing, but my hatred for this holiday runs deep). To top that off, two of my friends were recently dumped by thier boyfriends because the boyfriends were cheating on them... with eachother. OUCH. So I'm stuck counciling one of the girls, and the ex-boyfriend of the other girl (so I can't even joke with her about "why the hell would he break up with me for HIM of all people", because the guy her boyfriend cheated on her with is a good friend of mine, and has been for years. I also know what he's going through with the whole "coming out of the closet" thing.... not easy for him). The girl that isn't my friend is busy trying to steal my boyfriend, which is amazingly NOT cool. So I'm close to ripping her lungs out with a spork (Sporks are fun). I really don't know what else to say. School is hell... In IB we have these nasty nasty little things called (*dramatic chord*) "Internal Assesments" . Essentially, I have a spanish internal assesment today, which means I have to go and chat with my spanish teacher, in spanish, for 10 minutes on a topic of my choice. The topic I picked is "Governmetns should be spending more money on researching the ocean than exploring space". FUN FUN FUN! The only reason I havn't just given up on it yet is because once I'm done with spanish this year I never have to put up with stupid spanish teachers ever ever again. When I started learning it I fell in love with the language, but due the fact that no spanish teacher is ever sane/fun/even tolerable I'm over that love. ICK ICK ICK ICK ICK GRARGH PLURGH Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Ok... Don't you hate it when people entrust you with things that you really don't want to be responsible for knowing, yet you know it's an honour that they trust you enough to tell you?? Don't you hate it when people tell you things about thier mood, thier life, and thier problems therein, and then make you promise not to tell others because they will worry? Don't you hate it when you are the safety net, the catchall, for all of your friends? Don't you just love how you have to put aside your own problems just to help others with thiers, thus adding to your own?
Ok... That's all Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| They say to keep your enemies,
closer than your friends but when your friends become your enemies what do you do then? Isn't it fun when people you thought were friends backstab you? I've had two people that I was trying to be friends with do that to me.... in the same day. Here's the ramblings that I must now put in here.... Someone that I had just started being friends with asked my boyfriend to dump me to go out with her... Fun fun fun. Now then, he would never do that, but the point is that she ASKED! I mean, how tactless can someone be? I have always been nice to her, and I knew that she liked him, but I never thought she'd actually do THAT! Ok, so she's desperate (her last boyfriend cheated on her - with a guy), but some things just can't be excused. OH! but it gets better. I was rather upset about this, so my brain does it's usual "shut down to think" move. My boyfriend thought I was mad at him, and decided to give me my space. Enter [Name edited on request by my boyfriend] - bitch from hell - who decides to use this situation to her advantage. She becomes a go-between for the two of us, and proceeds to lie to us about what the other is saying. Soon, I hate my boyfriend, and he hates me (not a good thing - he was rather upset, and nearly did something very stupid). We worked it out once we realized that she had played us, but it was very upsetting to have someone that I thought was our friend play us like that just so she could get him alone. What really pisses me off, however, is that she did this without any regard for the life of my boyfriend. He nearly did something very very stupid (which, thank the gods he didn't), and I nearly hurt myself. If she had any idea at all what a real friend was, she wouldn't have done that. What most people don't realize right now is that it's really going to take alot to break me and my boyfriend up. We've been through two situations that would have broken most highschool couples up. He accused me of cheating on him (which I most definetly wasn't), and now this. So far we've had three girls try to come between us (all in the last week), and none of them have succeded (odd, especially since, in my opinion, all of them would make a better girlfriend than me). *grumble grumble grumble* So, why is it that people you consider friends always, ALWAYS end up backstabbing you? I only trust three people in my life (fully.... I trust another 5-6 partially), and I think that's sad. I try to make friends with people, and then they use my own words against me. I hate that. Are friends worth it?? I'm not sure. True, if I hadn't trusted the three I do now, I never would have had them, right?? Except that I trusted them naturally.... and that trust has developed over time. The other 5-6... That trust is developing. So here's the thing - do I even need to find more people to trust?? I'm not sure. I'd love to make new friends, have more people around me that actually know ME, not the mask I put up to keep them at bay... but I tried that, and [Name edited... see above] backstabbed me rather well.... *sigh* *pulls out spork... goes on murderous rampage* Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Ok, so it's actually been about a week since my boyfriend and I's one month aniversary (btw, aniversary is such a wrong word... it's got nothing to do with months). But I've been trying to figure out how to put the whole thing into words...
He got the school to play Bruce Cockburn over the intercom during passing period... that was the first amazing thing (For those who don't know - I love Bruce Cockburn, I grew up on him, and I love his music...) The song, "Last Night of the World" is one one of my favourites (Lyrics will be in the other journal ASAP). Then he ran out and got me a damned cute teddy bear. According tohim it was because he had to one-up my "sister's" boyfriends. (One of the two has the same aniversary as me [i think i told that story earlier], and the other had her three month the next day. their boyfriends snuck out and got them roses when they realized they had forgotten, munchy was mad about this for some reason) The teddy bear was so cute!! White, soft and holding a red heart (gold script reading "i love you") That alone would have been enough.... So then some other stuff happened (mostly school for another few hours). Oh, and he gave me a rose after my next class... :D After school I had writers club. FUN!!! lol... i already knew something was up, but not quite what. Half way through writers club, a friend of ours snuck out, and then returned. She handed me an egg with a red heart on it. (can we say ODD!?!) I was wondering wtf was up with the egg... but , hey, my boyfriend's weird like that. Soon thereafter one of the two sisters came in and handed me two other eggs. One said "I" the other said "you"... "I (heart) You" in all... *sigh*.... Anyway, I'm still wondering wtf is up with the eggs, when writers club ends 15 minutes early... everyone started panicking, and i realized almost all of my friends were conspiring against me... I ended up hiding in a corner until I heard an anouncement that I needed to come down to the main office.... *shudder*... I got there, and was told to knock on the principals door... I wait a few minutes, and the door opens... And there's my boyfriend. He leads me in, and I see a candlelit dinner laid out on the big table in the principal's office. Chinese food, of course, and my favourite types. He holds out a tupperware, just as i'm saying "What's with the eggs?" and takes the eggs and puts them in the tuppeware... saying "I want you to put all your eggs in one basket and go out with me for one more month." I could have died there.... and been happy. We had a beautiful dinner... No one in the world has ever made me feel that special. For the first time ever, I didn't hate commemerative anniversaries, and I was happy all the way through my soul for the first time in a LONG while. *Smile smile smile* Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Perfect Date???
Ok, so a few days ago, my boyfriend and I got into a HUGE fight. He accused me of cheating on him (which I wasn't), and that only made me a little mad. The next day he apologized, and I'm in the process of forgiving him. Anyway, last Friday (I'm writing this on Sunday) we went out for dinner. He was planning on driving, but he got in a huge fight with his parents (somewhat involving me), and called to say he was going to be late. Well, I was hungry, so I offered to come down and pick him up instead. I got there, and he told me about the fight, and that he pretty much felt like shit. We drove to a chinese restaurant near our school (about 10-15 minutes away). I was starving, as was he, and we were hoping they wouldn't be too busy. Well, we got there, and there was a pretty long wait (about 45 minutes to an hour, even with preferential treatment because the owners know my boyfriend and his parents). So we got carry out. We walked outside, and had to come up with somewhere to eat the food. Seeing as I live about half an hour away from school, and his parents kinda hated me at that point (not to mention he didn't want to see them after the blow-up) we had two options - Eat it in my car (MY parents would have killed me) or eat it on one of the benches in the shopping area the restaurant was in. So we sat down on one of the benches, and unpacked the food. I'm not a "sit on a bench" kind of person however. So, when my boyfriend ran into the nearby Bookstore/coffee shop to get us something to drink along with our food, I sat down on the ground (I like the ground thankyouverymuch). He joined me when we came back out. So, here's the scene: Myself and my boyfriend sitting on the ground, eating our food (Mongolian Beef for him, Sweet and Sour Shrimp for me), in front of a hardware/paint store. It's about 60 degrees out (at night nonetheless), and only a few stars are showing through the cloud cover. I had my sleeves rolled up (I also like the cold thankyouverymuch). We're disussing the fight we had, the fight he had with his parents, and life in general. So, he offers me a bite of his food, and I take it. I'm just about to eat an onion, when he reaches his fork over to brush off one of those nasty peppers they use to make the mongolian beef spicy. I kinda joke that I could handle it, and he says that I probably have no clue how spicy they really are. I tell him I could handle it (again), and he says "bring it". We each grab a pepper, and eat it. Yummy. You've got to love that "my-tongue-is-slowly-dissolving" feeling. He almost immediatly started drinking his rootbeer. I calmly sat there pretending like I didn't feel it (which, by the way, I did... I felt like I had used sulfuric acid as mouthwash). Soon, he was shoveling rice in his mouth. I still sat there, laughing at him (ok, that's now upgraded to kissing an electric eel). Eventually, I took a bite of my sweet and sour shrimp. He lost miserably. (Oh, and at this point it felt like I had been drinking lava). Honestly, that has to be one of my favorite memories. It was easily the best date I have ever had, not to mention the most fun. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| So, I'm part of this advanced program at school that's called the International Baccelaureate program. It sucks. Think AP only all your classes are impossibly difficult, and there's no rest. The homework alone is enough to drive you crazy, and most of us are weight lifters from the sizes of the books.
So I've been meaning to let my fellow stories.comers into the life of an IB student. Recently, I've had too much homework to even really get online, except to check my Email (which I have to do for one of my classes anyway.). That's the first clue that my life is way too complicated by homework. However, I was able to finish it all early today.. and now.. A day in the life of IB (Dramatic Chord) Well, depending on the day (my school has a block schedule where you have a class every other day) I either start off with IB Spanish 2 (or regular spanish 7) or IB Biology HL (higher level) 1. Spanish is fun, my "sister" is in the class, and we sit next to eachother (really bad call by the teacher to let us do that). However, it's a foreign language, I have enough trouble in my own, and once I realized about two years ago that I had enough spanish to get by if I ever got stranded in Mexico, I really lost interest in the whole subject. Bio is worse, the teacher makes really stupid jokes ("well, when you're an embryo you have a tail and what a cute tail it is too! ). And she refuses to answer your questions. You know prophets? How they always answer questions in riddles? That's what she does, only she does it when she's supposed to be teaching ("what does your disection book have to say?" "it doesn't" "read it again" "i read it 10 times, it's not in there" "Well, read it again, it's in your disection manual") Then, on both days, I have a free period (Yea!). On the days I have bio, I get it with my boyfriend (double yea!), and on the other days (spanish days) I have it with a good friend of mine. This is generally the high point of my day. After my free-period, on bio days, I have IB European History with Mr. Mehlbach. The guy makes crazy people look sane. He's the hardest teacher I have, but he keeps class fun. Picture a guy with a buzzed head prancing down the aisle pretending he's a pig... and that's on a bad day. The guy is tough (30 document DBQ's to write in one hour - which means we have to use 15 documents as evidence, and analize the point of view on 8 of those...), and he drives most of us crazy on a regular basis... but, then again, what can you expect from a class who's motto is "Have you had your power poop today?" After my free-period on spanish days, I have IB Junior English. This has to be the most boring class in creation. There are only so many times you can discuss the purpose of the colour yellow in Crime and Punishment. I'm sorry. The teacher can be fun... but... eh, not always. The only redeeming fact of this class is my other "sister" sits next to me, and we write notes to each other. After Euro History on Bio days, I have Theory of Knowledge (ToK). This class is also known as "The hell class of IB". It's our philosophy class, which I personally don't mind, but as most of our fellow students in IB are slowly recognizing, they don't think for themselves. They repeat what the teacher tells them in different words. However, our teacher doesn't ever speak first. Thus ruining thier entire thinking (or lack thereof) process. After English on spanish days, I have IB Math Methods. This is the harder of the two Math classes an IB student could take. I should have been in the easier one. I used to think I was good at math... turns out I'm not. The teacher is great, She's only 27, and she complains to us about her roommates. The only other redeeming quality this class has is that my boyfriend sits behind me (triple yea!). Then I go home, do 5-6 hours of homework, go to sleep, wake up at 4:30 in the morning, and do it all again. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| The results are in, everyone I know is weirded out by the fact that I'm dating Munchy. Quite funny actually. The really funny thing is - I've know this guy since Freshman year (about 2 and half years for those of you who don't know me) and I've always thought he was a really cool guy. Now that we're dating, I'm finding myself wondering why I didn't ask him out a LONG time ago (Maybe BEFORE I screwed up my life last year).
So today was rather fun. I woke up around 11:30 (A bloody miracle for me - I usually can't sleep past 8). I got up, checked my Email, began printing 50 pages of curriculum info for my Theory of Knowlege class (which turned out to be 62 pages), got a call from my parents whom needed a measurement for shelves in our spare bedroom. I spent the next 15 minutes looking for a freaking tapemeasure, and then ate. I realized when I got food out of the microwave that I had a list of chores for the day. Damn. I had wanted to go to town to get a binder to put those 62 pages of TOK stuff in. So I quickly finished the chores, got ready to go to town, when Munchy calls to let me know that he left his jacket in my car last night, how could he get it back? I told him I was going to town (a 30 minute drive for me, seeing as the Fae lives at the edge of nowhere), and that I'd drop his jacket off. He then asked me to a movie, cool. I get to town, pick up the binder and a really big pack of page protectors to put the sheets in, get my book from the library (Terry Goodkind's Pillars of Creation - hopefully very good), and start driving down to Munchy's house. I get there, it turns out he invited a mutual friend of ours to go along (his best friend, a pretty good friend of mine), also cool. We go pick him up, get to the complex the theater is in, discover that no movies start for another 2 hours, and decided to wander some. We picked up some sushi at Wild Oats (Yummy!), and then headed over to Barnes and Nobel. We browsed there for a while, when Munchy decided to call his parents to see if he could spend the night at his friends house. Turns out his parents wanted him home earlier than before, so we had to scratch the movie idea. We returned his friend to his house, I drove Munchy home, we hung out for about an hour, and then I came home. I ate a boiled egg, and now I'm writing in my journal. Sarah has a crazy crazy life. Very scary. When I woke up this morning I never imagined I might end up going to a movie, and then not end up going to a movie. The Fae's life is strange that way, nothing ever ever goes as planed - it usually goes the exact opposite way. The gods are mocking me. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Well, life has been crazy. I've been meaning to get on here and explain the whole "Boyfriend Switch" since it happened on Jan. 1st. Turns out, one of my dear close beloved friends (whom I consider my sister) and my boyfriend, really like each other. They didn't want to say anything, because they didn't want to hurt me, but, hey, I really just considered the guy a close friend. So he and I broke up, now my "sister" is going out with him, and all was happy. And then it got better.
Somehow I let it slip to a guy I like that I like him. Munchy (nickname), as it turns out, liked me too, but was wary about the fact that I already had a boyfriend. Well, that was remedied, as I explained above, and now Munchy and I are going out. Life is fun. Well, the title for this particular entry comes from what we basically did. Friday Night Magic is a free Magic tournament that a local store/game center hosts. Quite fun. Except I don't play magic. However, I was able to pick up some pretty damned cool dice for Dungeons and Dragons... Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| To see the beginning of this tale see "Crime and Punishment" earlier in this journal. This is the end of that story, the sentence, and the attempt to understand why this is happening.
Last night, a good friend called, he wanted to make sure I would be at the sentencing of my friend who commited vehicular homicide. I told him that I would've been there even if he hadn't called. Today, I walked into the courthouse, 15 minutes before the hearing was to begin. I looked at the docket, and then went to the courtroom. It was packed. I sat, next to complete strangers, and started to pray for the best possible outcome for my friend. 15 minutes later, it all began. People from both sides made recomendations for sentencing. From outright jail-time, to Youth Offenders Services, to simple probation, it was all spoken for. The whole time, my friend sat there, hearing people talk about how this accident, this death, has affected thier lives. He heard testimony about the man he killed. The man who was very involved in the community, very loved, and very kind. He sat there, and endured it. When the judge decided his sentence, my friend stood at the front of the court. As tears silently fell down his face, the judge told him his fate for the next 7-12 years. 6 years for vehicular manslaughter, 2 years for vehicular assult, to be served consecutivly, resulting in 8 years incarceration in all. We were all in shock. Then the judge suspended the sentence, to a 3 year sentence in Youth Offenders Services, a combination between boot camp, school, counseling, and incarceration. He was sentenced to 4 years probation after serving his sentence, with 400 hours community service. He stood there, strong, and accepted his fate. The deputy came to the front of the courtroom. My friend's brother started crying. My friend calmly put his hands behind his back, and let them lead him away. He stood strong, he accepted his fate. I admire him for that. After he was lead away, I came out of my shock. The good friend that had called me the night before came over to me. Two other good friends of mine had already gone to eachother for support. Two people who I had never seen cry before in my life, were far gone into tears. I held mine back. I can't make myself believe it is true. Someone I know is in YOS (Prison), and has killed a man. I can't believe that someone I care for as a friend has to go through that in his life. I can't believe that my friend isn't going to be in school next semester, enduring the tortures of our teachers right there along side us. I can't belive how many people this accident has impacted. In 3 years, my friend will be released. At this point, everyone he knew and was close to will have been in college for 1.5 years. We will have changed, and our lives will have continued. None of us will understand what he has been through. The entire dynamic of our lives has been changed forever. Lessons to be learned, Life to be lived, Pain to be had. Don't speed on city streets, don't be a fool, don't ruin your life because of a mistake, this is my lesson to you. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
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