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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 07:16 A couple years ago, I came across an app called Tapas which hosted written stories and comics. Anyone can upload stuff and to read the stuff, you get several chapters free to see if you like it or not. After that, you have to pay "coins" to see the content. You get coins by watching ads or even buying them with real money - like a lot of game apps today, right? Anyway, you get coins and some of the profit from them goes to you - or was that the ads you could include on your work? Can't remember. It's not a huge amount - in fact, it probably doesn't even amount to decent pocket change. But get enough readers and over time, who knows? There are a large number of readers on there - can't quite recall the number, but I know it said something like there were over 30, 000 creators and the reader base is more. So I wanted to try it out. I won't upload my favourite stories - I'm too scared of putting those out there without someone looking over them and taking out errors and making corrections because I've put my heart and soul into those ones and want them to be as perfect as I can make them. So I recalled this story I'd wanted to write some years back, which I never got around to finishing. That story is a bit more expendable than the stories that currently fly around inside my head. I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but at least I'll be putting myself out there. And I can actually say, for the first time, that "I'm an author" when people ask me what I do! That's really important to me  07:28 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:42 I need to wake up a bit later. But I can't! I love waking up early and getting some writing done before my son wakes up. Then I should sleep early. But it seems I also love some time to myself to chill after my son goes to sleep too. I have no discipline! A few entries back, I said if I put my mind to it, I know can do anything. Well, maybe not "anything" but...some things? I feel that it's true, but then I also feel like it's a load of BS. If I had that amount of willpower, I wouldn't be such a mess. But that's because I don't even bother to try. All that aside, I had a good day yesterday. We had a (very) belated Eid get-together at the charity I volunteer at. It's a very goal-oriented organisation, I suppose, so all we seem to hear is "This needs to be done" and "That needs to be done" or "Ok, what are we going to do about this latest report of hate crime etc. etc. etc.?" So it's nice to get together for purely social reasons. Not that we didn't spend an hour listening to people giving speeches and draw up plans moving forward, but it was good. Beyond weekly family meet-ups and the odd one meeting in several months with friends, these meetings at the organisation are all I have to interact with other human beings outside my ethnic group (not that there aren't South Asian people there but...it's different). Still, I'm grateful. I know some people probably don't even have that. Time to do some writing! :D 06:52 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 05:48 I spoke to the CEO of the charity I work for yesterday and, although I have seen him numerous times at nationwide meet-ups, it's always a bit nerve-wracking to speak to one of the people higher up. Cuz I'm a nobody and the guy is clearly somebody. But he was nice, bless him. He asked what I do and I said I'm a writer, with this feeling of shame prickling in my gut. I always say I'm a writer when someone asks what I do but clearly they mean what's my occupation but I have nothing to say to that. I guess I could say I'm a student. But anyway, yes, this guy thought I was an actual writer and asked me what I write, like journals or blogs, and I felt compelled to say "ah, no, I'm writing a novel but I'm not published yet". Awkward! Anyway, I did learn that one of the people I gave my story to last year is in fact reading it! Yay! And apparently, "It's a proper novel, with a plot and everything!" Bless the lady, she's nice. I'd come to accept that nobody would read the story because they didn't have the time so this was good news. Anyway, onto the subject of this entry. When I first joined WDC in March, I made up a poem sort of on the spot just so I could go from being a registered user to a registered author. I didn't think much of it - in fact, after writing, I promptly forgot what I wrote. The subject matter was my reason for joining WDC - my longing as a writer to be around other writers. But this little poem surprised the hell out of me. It got several positive reviews and then got even more recognition. This itty bitty poem I forgot the words to has continually surprised me. And I'm coming to hate it. See, there are many other items in my port which I spent a great of time and effort on, but those get nowhere near the same level of attention/feedback. I feel sorry for them! I guess it's the subject matter which appeals to other writers - maybe people can relate. Whatever it is, I know I should be thankful - and I am! - but I don't consider this one poem to show who I am as a writer, even though it is about me. I tell people right away that I'm a fantasy writer and this poem is not in that genre or even allude to that genre. I'll stop ranting now. 06:04 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 07:08 After my entry yesterday, I wrote about 2000 words for my story. I love that feeling! If I did it one day, it makes me try harder the next, because I know I can do it. I think my average in a day should be at 3000 words, but I've set the minimum as 1000, just to make it that much easier to reach my target. Sometimes, even this is not met and those are the days when I feel like a waste of space. I get distracted too easily. Before I got the computer that I'm on right now, I had an old laptop which didn't connect to the internet very well. It was slow and laggy so I didn't used to bother. It was the best! I got the most writing done with that clunky old thing. No distractions, could use it anywhere in the house. It did have the teensy problem of shutting down on me at odd times, often in the middle of writing. You can imagine my reaction at those moments. I don't think I helped the problem much by venting on the poor thing. Well, here's to hoping I have another good day! I had hoped I'd have an hour or so to myself but my son is already up so no time to write more just yet. It's a shame - I think I would have done better at this time of day. 07:18 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 07:18 I thought I'd be sensible and update early today, rather than leave it as one of the last things I need to scramble about to complete right before bedtime. I was just writing my mermaid story and I like the contrast of light/dark. My leads are a very pale-skinned brunette who lives on the bottom of the ocean floor, where it is dark, and she yearns for the light and warmth of the above-world, and a young golden-haired man who spends the majority of the story as a scary-looking dark-furred monstrosity who has come to value the dark. I'm making some parts of this up as I go along, because I've only just started thinking of these kinds of things. Themes are fun to include in the story, aren't they? They give the reader something besides the main story to focus on. I wonder what other themes I can put into here. I'll try not to go overboard now that I'm conscious that I can actually think of them. Before, it was a miracle if I just managed to finish a story, never mind adding other stuff. Anyway, I'm glad to have gotten this out of the way early in the morning. I've done about half of my daily minimum in writing too. It should be a good, relaxed day, one where I'm not rushing around like a headless chicken to do everything on my daily checklist right before I need to be in bed. Good times  07:31 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 21:40 Sometimes, I feel if I really try, I can do anything. If I want to lose weight, I just need to put in the effort and I know I can do it. If I want to do well on my course, I just need to exert myself a little and I'll get the results that I need. Even with writing, if I put in the effort every day, I can do it. I can be a published author one day. ...so then why am I the way I am? I don't hate the person that I am but I have so many things I want to do but there just never seems to be enough time in the day to get them done. I waste so much time too. So I guess it comes down to motivation. How do I get myself sufficiently motivated to test out that conviction? I was fasting today and after opening it, I wanted to eat every bit of junk food I could find in the house! I had to struggle not to pick up an extra chocolate bar after having my first one! So it's not a matter of having that willpower - it's how you pave the way for that willpower to matter. Are you going to allow yourself a little cheat and say "I need to this" and "I need to do that"? Or, worst case scenario, "I'll begin the new diet tomorrow" and then two months down the line, you're still saying "tomorrow". I think we all have the willpower. It's just a matter of being motivated enough to exercise it. Reminders are necessary. Post them up all over your house if you have to. "I will not fail" and "I am stronger than this" and "Get yo' s**t together before it's too late!" are good ways to remind yourself. In the end, if there's a goal that you've set for yourself, the only one benefiting from its completion is you. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself and love the body God gave you. Look after you. This turned into something else... 21:49 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 19:04 Maybe I should take up the 30-day blogging challenge again - I'm really out of ideas for what I should write here. I'm trying to find an idea by the mess that's piled up on my desk but I'm not getting anything. Ah, here we go. Maybe this might be of some interest. My cousin stayed over last weekend and I was trying to explore the family tree with her, since kids of this day and age don't seem to understand that kind of thing. Actually, I think it's a millennial thing - I'm not terribly great at it myself as I can only go back two generations in my family tree. Or maybe...one and a half? I can go one forward from my generation too...if that makes sense. Altogether, I can chart four generations...kind of, assuming grandparents' siblings are included in the mix...but that would make it five generations, right? Since I'd be noting my grandparents' parents too? But I can't do that because I don't know anything about my great-grandparents and I only know a couple of my grandparents' siblings. I think my mother and father would be decidedly unimpressed with this...er...skill. The amount they can chart blows my mind! Where I originally come from, it's standard practice that everybody knows everybody on their family tree, regardless of how distant the relation is. It's a pity that those who migrate elsewhere end up losing that tradition. That's all I got for today! 19:16 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 21:43 These days, I feel I've been doing all right. I'm on top of things. There's nothing pressing that needs doing. I'm writing every day. Life is good. ...and then I remember college. My course is finishing in December and I need to be on placement before then, but my placement begins at that time. And then there are the assignments. I think I have one due for the end of September and I haven't even looked at it yet, never mind attempting it. After that, we've got at least one more, if not two. On top of that, I was supposed to have revamped one of my earlier ones, which was a complete disaster, but I haven't done it yet. I hate that assignment so much! I hate researching stuff! I don't know what I'm doing, even though I've had it explained to me so many times and, in those moments, I thought I got it. I do get it...kind of. But when it comes to writing it out, I draw a blank. I was fasting today, to make up for several fasts I missed during Ramadan. It wasn't as difficult as I'd thought it would be, since I'm not used to it now. I felt a bit weak, but I think that's more down to my overall health rather than the lack of food during the day. I tried to take a nap during the day but I don't think it did much good. Onto more writery matters. I've recently begun browsing Facebook. I try not to get too engrossed in social media, but I messaged some people I don't know (one being a local poet who organises get-togethers) and I came across an old friend. An old writer friend. So I got in touch. Let's see if I can get myself a new writer friend! That would be awesome! 22:54 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 21:48 The best days are those that start off nice and early, before my little one wakes up. I get up, do my morning prayer, get on the computer to get some work done or write at least 1000 words for a story, and then spend the rest of the day chilling with my little boy or doing pastime stuff for myself (like reading! Although reading shouldn't be a pastime for a writer, I reckon). Those days are awesome. I had such a day today, although I wish I'd done my blog entry in the morning too so I wouldn't be stressing about it in the evening. One of the reasons for adjusting my sleeping schedule so I woke up early was so that I wouldn't have to do all the things I had to do on an evening after putting my son to bed. I used to go to sleep between 1-3 in the morning. Not good! Waking early is working out so much better for me, although I'm still always tired since I don't think I'm getting my requisite 7-8 hours of sleep. I always promise myself that I'll have a little nap during the day, but if I do that, then my son will do so too and then he won't sleep till like 9-10. I like having a couple hours in the evening to chill out by myself too. Not much else to say. I feel I repeat a lot of what goes on in my life on my blog so if you're a long-term reader, apologies for repeated subject matter. I don't get out much, as I'm sure you might be aware by now (if you're a long-term reader). Not much to write about. 21:58 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 22:44 Today was crappy. Well, not really "crappy" crappy but...well, crappy. I had a meeting/dinner to attend last night and I left my little one with my mum and because I got back around half ten, my little one was already asleep so my mum said to stay over. So I did. Things always feel a bit weird when the daily routine suffers that much, you know? So now, here I am, at a quarter to eleven at night, writing up a bit of my story and updating my blog because I didn't get a chance to earlier in the day. And I have yet to do my prayers - which is going to take me at least half an hour. Just so you know, my bedtime (which I almost never adhere to) is ten thirty. Looks like I'll be an hour overdue...again. But at least I got to write a decent amount of my story! Not quite the minimum 1000 words I try to do every day, but close enough. The problem is that after putting my son to bed, I thought I'd watch one episode of a new kdrama on Netflix. Just one episode, no more. Funnily enough, I was able to keep to that. But then I picked up my phone and...yeah...See, an hour or writing seriously shouldn't be that difficult if I'm dedicated enough, but when a certain app on the phone is beckoning all the time, it's impossible to do anything. I'm trying to discipline myself. I believe if I really, truly, 100% want to try for something, I can do it. I'm just too lazy most of the time to attain such an intense level of commitment. I must train myself to do what needs to be done and stop living like a slob. It kind of reminds me of this webcomic I'm reading on Webtoon called Lookism, about a fat kid who's always been bullied and one day he wakes up with this an extra body that's super handsome and buff and suddenly everyone's nicer to him and wants to be friends with him. Anyway, he has both the fat body and the buff body and has to balance them well because if he stays awake too long in one body, the other body suffers. So he uses the buff body to go to school and stuff, and the fat body works at night. I was just reminded of this, for some reason when I used the word "slob". Gotta go! 22:56 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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