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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 22:55 Another day has passed where I haven't done any writing at all. I read a tiny bit of my story in the morning but found it too boring to continue. See, I'm not usually like this with my own stories. Only the serious ones. What does that say about my writing? I have had some ideas while I've been reading though. Character flaws are a great way to bring about conflict in a story, right? But does the focus of a story have to be about the character's flaws? Or do character flaws have to play a really big part? I just don't want my character coming across as overpowered or invincible...although he isn't, but I don't think he's ever in any really serious trouble. I guess I'll find out how much I've concentrated on his flaws as I read. If I can bring myself to do so. But I have experienced a lot of interest in the story I'm thinking of writing for NaNo. It'll be the fourth rewrite of a story I began writing like seven-eight years ago, if not more. The plan is to make it more fantastical with every rewrite, with a bit more of the stuff I usually write. I did a bit of a massive leap with NaNo last year, by making it a retelling of the Little Mermaid, but I'll go back to the original story and tweak it here and there. I like the idea of magic realism. It's something I've not tried to write before and I think there's a tiny bit of it in the original version - the main guy has brown eyes with gold flecks which people find mesmerising. Now, whether they're really magic (as he casually claims) or just really unusual enough to make people stare for too long is not confirmed. Now, if they are magical, I don't explicitly mention that they're magical, right? I make it out to be that they're unusual but due to such things not drawing too much attention in the setting, no eyebrows are raised, right? I'll look into it. I had another thought for this story. Previously, my identity as an Asian, Muslim woman didn't mean much in the world of fantasy. But as I've started to note how the world works and how racism and prejudice work, I've started to see things from a different perspective. I don't typically like writing stories about people from totally different backgrounds in relationships, but I think I could practice a hell of a lot of character building if I did try to write such a thing...with the aforementioned magic realism. It's me - I have to make it somewhat fantastical! 23:08 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 10:24 I usually like Sundays. They're my chill-out days. But today I'm a bit irritable. I was doing some learning activities with my son, in the lead up to his starting nursery in a few weeks. I know he's small and doesn't understand a whole lot, and I usually try to remind myself not to get annoyed, but today I did and my exasperation with his half-hearted attitude manifested in some angrily-spoken words. I feel so ashamed. Earlier, I had a go at the cat too  I'm tired and wondering if maybe that's the cause of it. Also, it's not my typical Sunday because we're going out in a bit with my sister and her two kids. I'm looking forward to an outing but I want to stay home more than I want to go out. I like being home, especially following a day when I spent most of the time elsewhere. Anyway, until my sister comes to pick us up, I'm going to continue reading my story. I'll probably finish it today - I'm near the end. The first time I participated in NaNo, it was to do the second draft of this story. And then last year, I did a the Little Mermaid version of this story...kind of. I picked randomly and it was quite a challenge to get the thing to match up with the character details I'd already established. Oh well. This year, I'm thinking I'll do another version of the story. I'm still thinking what it'll be. NaNo's just a bit over two months away! 10:34 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:11 There's this story I began in like 2010 or something and I read the second version of it a few days ago. Then yesterday, I decided to read the first draft. Since the first draft is my planning stage, it had a lot of inconsistencies in it which I managed to smooth over in the second draft. But I like the first draft way more, because the characters feel more believable in that one. I had more room to experiment in that one. I enjoyed the journey of shaping their personalities more in the imperfect version than I did the latest product. There are so many more nuances to so many different characters which had to be cut in the second draft, because of loose plot threads and characterisation errors which had to be corrected for the sake of consistency. Although the first version rambles on and often goes nowhere, it was so much more fun to read. Although I felt initially that I wasted my time in reading my own stories (especially since the story in question is not one I'm interested in having published), I believe I should take something from this experience. Everything I read now, whether it's other people's work on WDC or reading books by my favourite published author, I read through the filter of a writer. I thought this would hamper me from enjoying a story but...no, not really. I enjoy it. In some ways, I enjoy it more as opposed to being a casual reader who follows the story at on the surface. 23:20 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 21:09 The day I had the interview for my counselling placement, I came back from my mum's without my son in tow. He didn't want to come home. It's so much better, so much livelier over there than it is in our two-person (and one pet) home. I don't know why it bothered me so much - usually, it doesn't! I love having the house to myself! But that day, I felt so much more lonely that I usually do at these kinds of moments. I suppose it had a little something to do with my negative thoughts about the placement, my friends not able to come over to mine even though I've met with one of them so many times over the holidays (which is so rare!), but then when I'm in that mindset, the catalyst isn't always clear. When I feel down, all the bad thoughts come to the fore and each thought makes me feel worse. So this time, my son didn't want to come home and I left in a huff because I hate having to deal with him when he gets all whiny and starts crying about wanting to stay, I hate having to burden my parents with him especially since my mum looked after him all afternoon while I went to the interview and then to my friend's house, I hated that my mum gave into his whining when I would have dragged him out of there kicking and screaming if I had to (I usually have to), I hated that I came home to an empty house, I hated that my husband should have been back from Pakistan that day but due to unforeseen circumstances he had to extend his stay, I hated that the friend I went to see is only ever able to hang out like once a year and although we are going to hit 30 next years she is still very much the product of our strict culture...I hated a lot of things. I cried myself to sleep that night. I don't know why. I just felt really empty. Maybe it was the very fact that I got to spend so much time with my friends? Because I don't usually, and I had a great two days when my best friend came to stay over with her kids last week, not being able to spend as much time together and then going back to an empty house was depressing. Who knows? I was trying to get to the bottom of it while I was crying my eyes out but I couldn't figure it out. Let's just say it was an amalgamation of all the things listed above and be done with it. Anyway, why am I talking about the day I had my interview, you ask? Because I got the placement! It's been a year and I finally got a placement! It starts around the time my course finishes so there's no way I'll get my required 100 hours of therapy in time, which means I have to find another place so I can make the hours add up...more headaches, yay! -_- But I got the place! It's the first time I ever did a good interview and left enough of an impression to get the job...even if it's not really a job. But I got it! Yay! 21:27 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 07:21 I don't think I got the placement. The interview yesterday was the best one I've ever had (of the...what, three that I've ever been called for in my entire life?) but I don't think I got the role. Too young and too little experience in dealing with people who are bereaved, they said. I guess it's true - I've led a pretty sheltered life, which is not something that I like and even now, I still struggle to get around it. Anyways, onto the song. Finally, last verse! The sky above the battlefield is a bright blue, The Blue-Eyed Demon will cease its night-time rule, Her face affixed in my mind, I throw the blade to the ground, To protect what matters, I have no need of this power from a parasite Not while I have these hands to hold what I have And that's all right, I've realised at last. I hate this verse! I despise it! It wasn't part of the original song. I added it in when I felt the song wasn't adequate enough after revamping the story a little, but I just don't like this. It feels too forced, like I'm trying too hard to fit in Aoi's desire to overcome Raven. And the whole blue sky thing is just a little too sickly sweet, what with the main girl being called Sky and the main guy's name meaning "blue". Yeah, I'm so creative! For her sake, I will do whatever I must, Even if I have to turn Raven into dust. To protect what matters to me, I don't need the power from this being. Not while I have these hands to hold what I have, And that's all right, I've realised at last. ...A little better, I suppose. So here's the whole thing after revamping: Raven in my hand, darker than night Dripping wet in the pale moonlight Cutting down every foe coming at me Leaving rivers of blood for all to see. Those were bloodthirsty nights Without thought or purpose When I was a slave to these impulses. I see the destruction at my feet, Lives cut short, bleeding out around me Did my hands do this, the sea of red where I stand? Will Raven ever leave me to live in peace Or is this what I am where none can see? Those were bloodthirsty nights I have to have greater purpose I refuse to be a slave to these impulses. I saw her for the first time, A doll-like face and skill combined To make a mixture of blood-lust to mirror mine. Broken inside and crying for help, But no voice to voice the nightmares of bygone days Which haunted her to the present day. Those were bloodthirsty nights I'm searching for my purpose I push away the impulses. Raven's voice in my head is getting stronger, Even at rest, I feel the rush of power. "Let's spill more blood like old times, it says, Don't give up the blade now, don't let me rot away, Because we're partners to the end, until you break." They used to be bloodthirsty nights But now I've found my purpose I don't worry about those impulses. For her sake, I will do whatever I must, Even if I have to turn Raven into dust. To protect what matters to me, I don't need the power from this being. Not while I have these hands to hold what I have, And that's all right, I've realised at last. The bloodthirsty nights don't haunt me anymore. And there we have it, folks! *Bit of an edit on 3rd verse, 5th line. It was by far the longest line out of the whole thing so I cut it back a bit. Another edit on the 3rd and 4th lines of the 5th verse. And I also decided to put "break" in after all, at the very end of the 4th verse, since we now have a bit of assonance there to help the rhythm along. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 10:02 I have an interview for counselling placement today. My second one ever, and the first one wasn't great so I'm a bit worried. I haven't been to very many interviews. I think my job applications were always a little too...underwhelming. My CV is certainly underwhelming, although I've not changed it in years since I haven't applied anywhere in years. But anyway, the interview today isn't a paid job so my CV is irrelevant. It's for a place offering counselling for the bereaved. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with that if I do get the placement, since I'm too sensitive. I see a vulnerable child and I start crying. Hell, once while I was watching one of the Karate Kid movies, when the girl lets her caged bird go, the music swelled and the girl was clearly upset as her bird flew away and...yeah. I cried. The people coming for counselling might end up counselling me! Anywho, on with the less-than-thrilling task of sorting this song out. Raven's voice in my head grows stronger, Even in peace, I seek the rush of power, Let's hunt together, it says, Out in the night, like old times, you and I Partners to the end, until you give in and die So Raven is a sort of sentient weapon. Basically a soul trapped inside a sword. Once a new owner comes into possession of it, it starts gradually taking over and it wants nothing more than to kill people. Certain people, in particular. Raven's voice in my head is getting stronger, Even at rest, I feel the rush of power. Let's spill some more blood like old times, it says, Don't give up the blade now, it says, don't refrain, Because we're partners to the end, until you die. I want to end the verse with "break", as a sort of more explosive, poisonous sound that betrays Raven's true feelings on the matter. He gets a body at last! But I seem to veer more towards tunes that are stretched out and fade out gently, and "die" is perfect for that. In any case, I think I liked the old one better. 10:21 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:02 Running late today! It's supposed to be my bedtime now! I always end up delaying and then going to sleep much later than I should, but I still wake up early. None of these days, I fear my body will just give up on me and I'll knock out in the middle of something important. Anywho, the third verse of the song is a bit weird. I don't like it one bit. That was when I saw her Coming at me like she meant to kill A life tampered by isolation and fear But she shone bright all the same Now things would have to change. So, the character of Sky - who was sort of alluded to in the previous verse - is supposed to be a catalyst for the main guy to change his situation for the better. But I just don't like the way I've dealt with this verse since the very beginning. It just feels really inadequate. I saw her for the first time, A doll-like face and skill combined To make a mixture of bloodlust to mirror mine. Broken inside and crying for help, But with no voice to say how the nightmares of bygone days Continued to haunt her to the present day. ...I dunno. It's better than it was, I suppose. Meh. 23:14 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 17:58 I am so dopey. I've been neglecting my blog at those moments when I had ample opportunity to do it, and then rushing to get it done when I was pressed for time because I wasn't on my computer and didn't think I had a copy of the song here, but I do. I uploaded it my port ages ago! Here we are then! Chorus and second verse: Those were bloodthirsty nights Without thought or purpose When I was a slave to these impulses Coming to, I see the destruction at my feet, Lives cut short by my hands, bleeding out around me, Will I ever be free to live in peace? Or is this what I am in the dark, where none can see? Raven falls as I turn my eyes to the sky, As if it holds the answers I seek I like the chorus as it is. It changes over the course of the song to (hopefully) reflect the character's changing mindset about his situation. The second verse, though, I hate it. I've changed it several times already, although this is by far the version that's most relevant to how the story is now. And the last two lines as just...ugh. I think I was trying too hard to get the word "sky" in there, as a sort of foreshadowing (do songs use foreshadowing?) or prelude for the character called Sky in the next verse, though she's not mentioned by name. I see the destruction at my feet, Lives cut short, bleeding out around me Did my hands do this, the sea of red where I stand? Will Raven ever leave me to live in peace Or is this what I am where none can see? Meh. I don't know. I still don't like it. But I'll keep trying. 18:16 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 21:15 Ever since I was a mad anime fangirl and I came across the Bleach character soundtracks, the idea of character songs has fascinated me. Particularly, of course, as a writer. I thought if you're going to go to the extent of writing a song for a character, you need to know that character pretty well, right? In truth, no, not really. At least one of the songs from Bleach, as far as I can remember, was just made up of random lines of dialogue from one character to another, just sung. I guess there was some meaning there, but still...dialogue. Anyway, here I go! Just the first verse today: Raven in my hand is darker than night Dripping wet in the pale moonlight As I cut down every foe coming at me Leaving behind rivers of blood for all to see. I'm trying to learn how to read music, although I don't think I'm doing very well. I have no aspirations in pursuing anything music-related - I just like singing and writing songs that hold meaning to me and singing them, for myself - so there's no urgency and I'd do better with a tutor, but I can't afford lessons and I don't personally know anyone who's into music that much. Anyway, some changes for the song: Raven in my hand, darker than night Dripping wet in the pale moonlight Cutting down every foe coming at me Leaving rivers of blood for all to see. Not much change there. My problems with this piece begin a few verses along. I've changed them so many times and in my head, I get mixed up between the different versions. I can't believe it's taken me nearly forty minutes to write a ten minute blog entry. I've been putting this off all day, would you believe? As if ten mins of writing whatever comes to mind is such a monumental task! 21:54 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 20:22 The past few days have been completely devoid of writing. The day before last, I got up early and sat down to write but what happened instead was that I opened up an old story of mine and started reading it. Time flies when you're having fun, right? I have had very little sleep over the past couple of days. Tonight, when I get back home, I'm just going to put my son to bed, do my prayers, and go straight to bed. If I have the willpower to stay awake after getting up for the morning prayer, I'll do some writing then. And I know I've been putting it off for...forever, but I do plan on getting around to sorting my character song out. Hopefully, I'll begin that tomorrow too, since I'm not on my computer and don't have it saved on my Chromebook. I know, I know, I should back my stuff up so I can access it anywhere but Google Drive seems to hate me and never shows any changes I've made beyond several months ago (unless I'm not using it right or I need to pay to have a more reliable service). I got Dropbox too but...yeah. It's all so confusing. I should look into it. My friend wasn't going to stay over last night but it got very late so I asked her to take it easy and just go home in the morning. Like a couple of kids who have no idea why bedtimes should be adhered to, we stayed up all night watching Titans on Netflix. We literally went to bed a few minutes short of sunrise. With kids of our own, you would think we would have some sense. Now I am tired beyond belief and fell asleep watching Masha and the Bear, which my son seems to love. I did the same thing yesterday - I was doing my languages on my phone and I'm in the middle of answering a question and just drifted off then and there. So much for sorting my sleeping routine out! 20:35 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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