%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |
 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
|
A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 06:28 I'm really getting interested in the mermaid story now. I'm much more invested in it than I was the first time I wrote it. I slogged through it then, only continuing because it was NaNo and I didn't want to lose. As a result, I have been putting off writing my assignments. I have one due in four days! I will try to tackle a bit of it today though. For my counselling class reflection today, I will say that I am not very good at talking to people. I've gotten loads better since I got married but it's always hard, finding something to talk about. My husband's uncle came to visit him yesterday (he got back from Pakistan the day before) and his wife came along too. I was very aware of how awkward I was being by not starting up conversation with her. Eventually, I plucked up the nerve to ask about her pregnancy and when the baby's due, etc. Before that, I was thinking about whether she was in fact still pregnant (I'm kind of blind to these things) and how appropriate it would be to ask about it. I overthink things before I say something. I don't think it's such a bad thing - insofar as I do actually think before I say something (it depends on who I'm talking to, I guess) but mulling things over in one's head without actually engaging with others isn't that good of a quality to possess. 06:42 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:49 I usually start off my day by writing my blog but sometimes, I forget. I did manage to get my minimum amount of writing done though! Now I need to concentrate on doing my assignments. I have less than a week to finish one of them. I think I put them off, thinking it's going to be a big hassle, even though I really ought to know better. Even if it is a hassle - which it isn't, not always - it's much more of a hassle if left to the last minute. But anyway, that's boring. So in yesterday's encounter group in the counselling session, we were all told to go and reflect on what was said and write in our journals. My journal is woefully blank. I have been mentioning the odd incident or reflection on here, I think, but I don't think it will be enough. And I've been blogging for some months now so I would have to trawl through a hell of a lot of entries to find a tiny little sliver of the kind of information I'd need for my self-awareness assignment. To be honest, I'm not chilled out enough in class to share my thoughts openly. Maybe I ought to share that? But then they'd ask why and I don't really know the answer. Last week, I had a good session because not many people were there and I was drawn into conversation. This week, I didn't contribute much. In my defense, I was tired as hell and did actually fall mid-way into sleep in the encounter group. I have not had a good deal of sleep the past few nights, for various reasons. They talked about using humour as a cover-up for serious topics. One lady mentioned how she always felt that she had to respond to her son calling for her and she could never tell him to leave her alone for a bit despite him now being a teenager because of an incident when he was four. It was a humurous story on the surface - about a goldfish accidentally being placed in scalding water and the lady not coming to check what was going on because she was in the shower - but yeah, I suppose if you dig down, you could imagine the lady's distress at the time of the incident and wondering how to deal with the situation. I'm not like that with my son. I have imagination enough to envisage him doing something silly when I'm not around but I try not to give in and be overprotective because that's just going to make it worse, isn't it? He's little. He will learn if he does something silly. Of course, if there's real danger that's another story, but I'm quite consistent in keeping sharp things hidden and making sure everything is as child-proof as it can be before I have to leave him without supervision while I do my prayers or go to the bathroom. But he's three now so he has a pretty good idea of what he can and can't do. This entry went on forever! 10:04 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:28 It is certainly a load off, to know that one of them is done. I thought it would be the most difficult, because it was about counselling theory. Studying theory is always a bit dry so I had thought I'd struggle. But I did it! YES! I did a good amount of writing yesterday too, 3000+ words. That sorta made up for the two days I wrote abysmally. Hopefully, I can get about a thousand in before I head off to college. It's going good. I'm changing things about as I go along so there are lots of inconsistencies throughout and the storyline has changed a little bit from my first attempt, but that's to be expected. It's a lot smoother now...I think! And because I wasn't that keen on the original version which I wrote for NaNo last year but ploughed through it anyway, it doesn't have much plot. This time, I've expanded on that so there are no enormous chunks of text explaining what's happening without actually showing it. I'm confused as to what I should write for NaNo. It would have been this story which I'm writing now, probably. I might have mentioned this in a previous entry. I forget. But anyway, I'm thinking I'll do my main novel for November. The motivation of writing every day and then finishing before the month is up might help me to just get on with it, because I'm putting it off. Let's see how I do. 06:38 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:35 Although I try to get up for about half five, I don't usually have breakfast until about seven/half seven. But my son's woken a bit earlier today and I'd already been in the process of getting myself something to eat when he came to find me so I thought, why not? I didn't do any writing yesterday. I'll try a minimum of 2000 words to make up for it, though I'm not sure how I'll do since I've got assignments to crack on with too. They're a constant worry hovering over my head nowadays. I wish I was more academically gifted. I had the idea a while back to do a bit of journalling for counselling with my blog. I forgot all about it! So, here we go. I have college tomorrow. On the one hand, in contrast with my feelings of not wanting to go back after the holidays last week, I'm quite looking forward to it. It was a good lesson and I surprised myself by pitching in in class more than I usually do. But I'm conscious that that might have been because a few people were absent. I do better in small groups - I suppose there aren't as many people to worry about. On the other hand, I'd rather give my Tuesday over to something else. Something more productive. But I don't know what. It inspires me to actually go into class and get on with my work. I see how hard everyone else is trying - even if some of them are lazy blobs like me - and I feel guilty. As a Muslim, I am required to give everything that I do my absolute best. God gave me an opportunity and I shouldn't squander it. There are so many people out there who would love to be in my shoes, learning something they might get a decent career out of. I guess the advantages of going outweigh the disadvantages. Plus, I've kind of already paid all the fees so...yeah, I'm definitely going  06:54 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:15 I try to get to sleep on time nowadays, with varying degrees of success. Usually, I get about six and a half hours. My body will adjust...I hope, because it doesn't look like I'll be able to do much better. I've tried, but I can't seem to manage longer. However, when one's close friend is visiting and is spending the night, such frivolities as sleep are quickly thrown out the window. We watched several episodes from different series and then two movies before morning prayers started and I prayed and we went to sleep. She's still asleep but the children are not. They went to sleep bright and early and, as a result, they were up bright and early. My lone child is the noisiest! Running this way and that, thumping across the hallway, making noise here and there. My friend's daughters stayed asleep for a bit longer and her eldest son is still sleeping soundly through all this headache! I envy him!  My son and I are not used to having people with us on a morning so even the slightest noise is enough to wake us. So here I am, after spending about an hour trying to get back to sleep. I'll have to make up the lost sleep somehow, but I'm going to visit my other friend today, to see her newborn baby, so I've no idea when that will happen. Time to do some writing! 09:25 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 10:15 This entry was delayed a bit. After doing my morning prayers and reading a bit of the Qur'an, I usually get down to some writing business. Updating my blog completely slipped my mind today and I probably won't have the time to do so later, since I'm off to a "peace witness" at noon. And then at 2pm, there's a local poetry group I'm going to try out for the first time today! I'm excited! In the evening, my friend is coming to stay over and we're going together to see our other friend tomorrow, because she had a baby girl last week. The excitement! It's good to get out of the usual routine every once in a while, shake things up and have a good time. I am anticipating that my friend and I will not get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, probably because we'll be binge-watching some series or other on Netflix XD I titled this entry as I have because assignments have been weighing on me quite a bit these past few days. But one of those assignments features some questions which are exactly the same as the questions I answered for a level three assignment from the year before (I'm currently studying a level 4 year two). So...I copied and pasted. I asked my classmates if they thought it was cheating but one lady said "it's your own stuff so you're not plagiarising or anything". That was all I needed! I've expanded on the answers - obviously, it being a level four, they would require more in-depth answers. But at this point, I'll take anything that'll help! So I'm nearly down one assignment. Ten million to go! I kid, I kid. There are only about four others, and for one of those, I have a pretty good understanding of what I need to do...I think. I hate writing assignments ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:48 My counselling class has been screwed over quite thoroughly by the college. Mind you, the new tutors (well, they started several months ago so they aren't new any more) are handling it well. We have until December before the course is over and, in that time, I'm to do 3...4 assignments? And there's the issue of the one that I should have submitted ages ago. We were set two for the summer break but I haven't done those. It's my own fault, really. I try not to put things off but...it happened with the assignments anyway. And now the pressure is on! I have ten days to do two assignments, neither of which have been started yet. Dear, dear. And then there's the issue of my placement - so the wishy-washy way I said 3...4 assignments means that one of those assignments is supposed to be about the placement, which I won't have until around Christmas, so I can't do the assignment. And so, when everybody else is finishing up the course, I will just be starting my placement. When everyone is going to be getting their qualifications a few months after December, I'll probably still be doing my placement, with the end of the requisite 100 hours of practice nowhere in sight. This sucks. I almost wish I hadn't signed up for the course. Counselling aside, life is great...kind of. My son goes to nursery and, stupidly, I chose a place that's close by my mum's. There is the expectation there that every morning, I will pop in for a bit. Maybe stay there until it's time to pick up the little one. It bothers me. I frequently end up at my parents' house throughout the week but now, I might as well just move there! Today, I will drop my son off and come straight back home. And get on with these assignments. Hopefully. Only ten days remaining! 06:58 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 05:52 I can practically feel my eyesight getting worse, with the amount of time I spend on screens. I try not to do so in the dark but it doesn't appear to help much. I should have reminders pop up on the screen after every 20 seconds or so to blink. This is not good for anyone, but I feel very stupid considering I've had laser surgery done and my eyesight is slowly becoming poor again. Five years without spectacles. I don't wanna go back! I love being glasses-free! In my counselling course, we're supposed to be keeping journals and writing about...well, everything. I had hoped to use my blog for it but I don't think I write down my feelings or whatever issues I'm facing very often. So let's start. If I remember, I'll try to include a little segment in my entries about what went on in the classroom or anything else that comes to mind in relation to understanding myself. So this week, we had a bit of a personal development group. Several people were missing from the lesson and I find that when that happens, I'm more open. All throughout the lesson, I offered my opinion where I could - which my classmates pointed out in the PD group. Because I was sitting at the front, facing the teacher, with a standard classroom setting (table, with chairs around it, as opposed to the counselling classroom set up with no tables but chairs in a large circle), I was at the front table and had my back turned to the rest of the class so I wasn't that...conscious of them, I guess, when giving answers. But even when facing my classmates, I had no problem speaking up. In all honesty, I don't mind talking, but only when I feel I've something relevant to add. But frequently during the PD group, people started to talk about me - nothing bad. In fact, a lot of it was good - they said things like how they were a little pleasantly surprised that I'd offered my views on class. I didn't mind it - I had answers for their questions so I wasn't sat there, stiff as a board, every time they looked at me. But I think there was definitely a part of me which was wondering why they were so focused on me and whether they'd let it go and find something else to talk about. I could keep on about this topic but I need to go. Lucky! 06:07 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 05:19 I have a mountain-load of reading to do but I keep putting it off. I'm really not good at reading stuff I don't like, which can be problematic when I'm trying to find something to review. I haven't offered a review in months! I need to find research papers for my assignment. I got a bunch of books out from the library too, which are sadly just sitting there, waiting to be picked up. The main reason I brought up this topic is because the site - or app - that I wanted to submit stories to is full of stories of varying skill. I clicked on one, liking the sound of it, but I left it off because I couldn't be bothered with it. The writing needed brushing up a bit. There are so many like that, so now I don't want to click on anything. It's a site anyone can post on, as far as I can see, so I'm kind of avoiding clicking on another story to read. I blame Brandon Sanderson! These past few weeks, I've slowly but surely been rereading the first of his novels in the Stormlight Archive. After such perfection, such well-loved characters, how could I settle for anything less? 05:29 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:29 I'll be going back to college this morning. I don't wanna go! The long summer break has made me even lazier than usual. I hope once I'm out and about, I'll get into the swing of things. My son is also starting nursery today - he had a bit of a taster yesterday. I was with him then. He seemed to enjoy it but he's probably going to cry when he sees me leaving him. Oh well. In those types of situations, the best thing you can do is dump them and go. Dump 'n' Go! Finding Tapas - the app for reading/uploading comics and novels which I mentioned a few entries back - has led me to Wattpad. It's similar, but seems to be only for written stories. I've not had a proper look yet but most of the story covers seem to suggest there is romance/smut aplenty. On Tapas, romance and BL (Boys Love - Boys' Love?) seem to be the most popular genres. I've been reading through some forum posts and it seems Tapas is not a good place to start for a fantasy writer whose work does not feature romance heavily. But Wattpad has many genres listed so I'm going to try that. Wish me luck! 06:43 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
 Log in to Leave Feedback |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
