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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 07:58 I wrote a blog entry last night. This morning, I received an email telling me to update my blog because it's been over a day since I last did so. Why am I so inattentive?  Well, since I haven't anything much better to add 10 hours after writing the missing entry, I'll just repeat what I wrote on there. My kitten is nearly seven months old and I got him towards the beginning-middle of April and...yesterday I gave him away. I realised I'm not really meant to be a pet owner. I can't do with it. It's bad enough I get feelings of frustration having to look after my child and that is a responsibility I can under no circumstances give up. But getting a cat was a bad move. I didn't need to get him. I chose to, out of my own curiosity and the fact that seeing kittens makes my heart melt into a pile of goo. I still like cats but it's like someone said to me once - cats are only good if they're someone else's  Plus, I'm a very private kind of person and I love being on my own. Having a clingy kitten when I've finally, finally put my son to bed kind of messes that up. Anywho, I'm glad I'm able to sit here and write this in peace! My son hasn't woken up yet. If it lasts, maybe I can make a start on today's minimum 1000 words of writing. I'm rewriting the mermaid story I wrote for NaNo 2018. I think that one, the one I wrote for NaNo, was too rushed. Not because of time constraints, but because there's too much exposition since I wasn't really interested enough to write it properly. There is a solid story there, I just have to work a bit at coaxing it out. I might even upload it to my port when I finish. Lofty goals, eh? 08:09 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 22:11 I had planned to get to bed by half ten but I still need to do my prayers yet. That'll take about twenty mins. I probably won't do a full ten minutes today. I've had a good day. Keeping up with my languages wasn't as difficult as I thought it'd be, after losing my 100+ day streaks. It's just routine now. I've wrote some more of the Little Mermaid adaptation I'm working on. I love fairy tale retellings. This one was originally going to be a Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid cross-over sort of thing - with my own characters, of course. It was a bit ambitious and while I'm going to retain elements of the Beauty and the Beast story, I've mostly gone with a very, very loose adaptation of the Little Mermaid. Pretty much just the underwater setting, really. And the fact that her father is Neptune, who is the king of the sea. And there's a sea witch. But most everything else is original. It's quite fun. I have another story about people who live in the water - see my port, if you're interested. It's a short story called Child of the Water. And that's about it, really. I need to pray and sleep! 22:17 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 16:40 Is it just me or does eating greasy food really make you drowsy shortly afterwards? Or maybe it was because I had the brilliant idea of making two pizzas for 1.5 people? I ate too much! I hate eating too much but I did it anyway! Why do I do this to myself? T_T Unfortunately, because I don't like wasting food and I like to make my own portion even though I really should know better than to assume my son will eat everything I give him, I end up eating extra. This time, though, I can't even blame my son. He ate well. I shouldn't have made two, but I did some shopping and there wasn't any room in the freezer for this one extra pizza so...I made two. On top of that, I put some extra toppings on it. Oof! Something awful happened yesterday. My nephew introduced me to this app called Webtoon and...yes. I have been reading a web comic on there frequently since. My phone battery went down to 29%. It never goes to 29%! I start panicking when I see it at 60% and immediately put it on charge! That just shows how absorbed I get in this app. Curse you, Webtoon! Another awful thing that happened yesterday is that I forgot to do my languages! It's somewhat understandable when this happens if I'm having a busy day and can't spare the time to sit down by myself for a few minutes, but I have no such excuse for yesterday. Even on my busiest days, I've been able to remember just in the nick of time to salvage my streak for at least a couple of the languages I'm learning on Memrise, but this time, I lost them all. Now it's all back to 0! What's more frustrating is that I remembered at various times during the day that I had to do them still. And in the evening especially, I kept reminding myself and then...yeah, I don't know what happened. In the last stretch before bed, I completely forgot. Even right before bed, I forgot. Now I'm putting them off because I expect seeing the "0" on my streak will be so depressing. At least I wrote well yesterday! Let's continue that today! 16:56 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 18:27 Normally, silence is a boon. I love it. I'm generally a quiet sort of person (unless I'm in the right company) so I appreciate having time to myself. I like the silence because that means there are no annoying people to deal with, including the itty bitty little boy I gave birth to :D But sometimes the silence is oppressive. Occasionally, when I'm feeling lonely or I've had people staying over for a few days and they've left, taking all the joy in my house with them, it feels too quiet, too calm, too still. In those moments, I feel like I want to scream at the walls. But then I might wake the little boy up. Singing helps. The silence recedes and I put my feelings into my voice in a more productive way which doesn't involve messing up my voice and my throat. Other than the silence though, I'm doing OK. My niece and nephew were over earlier but this is the last day both of them will be home before the next school year starts up. My niece is returning tomorrow and my nephew starts on Wednesday. My son loves having people over. He's a much more social creature than I am - he wants to explore new surroundings and meet with people. I suppose I might have been like that once. A very long time ago. Anyway, I was going to write about writing but never mind. I'm done :) 18:37 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:18 I decided to get the ironing out. The pile just keeps growing. It's not too bad, although I like to get it done during the day and watch dramas while I do so. It just feels different at night. Also, I need to be in bed but because of the ironing, I'll late. I don't think I'll be getting up early like I wanted to. What a shame. My routine is all out of whack these days. I don't like that. I haven't done any writing in over a week. In other news, my husband went to Pakistan at the beginning of July and he isn't to return for another few weeks. Surprisingly, I miss him. Just a little bit. It doesn't usually happen because...well, his being here is the same as his not not being here, if you catch my drift. But yes, I do miss him a bit. I phoned and tried to explain why I don't usually miss him and...I fell short. I always do. The language barrier between us rears its head every once in a while. Mostly, I can make myself understood in my mother tongue but finer details are not my forte. I tried to explain to him that he wasn't emotionally available and because I switch to English when I don't know the right word, I don't think he understood. Not that he doesn't understand English but...I'd say his English is at about the level of my understanding of our language. Strange, because he's studying law in PK and, from what I can understand, it's all in English. But yeah, we do not have conversations in English. We do half and half sometimes - he speaks our language while I speak English. Sometimes, I reply to him in English just out spite I'm petty :( I'm off to bed...but maybe I'll watch a bit more of the drama I started today. Damn you, Netflix! 23:28 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 22:34 I attended a demonstration in my town today about the situation in India-administered Kashmir. As a fellow Kashmiri (though I come from the Pakistan side of it), the unnecessarily large military presence in Kashmir is not only unsettling, it is downright terrifying. I can only imagine how it must feel, to live under surveillance all the time, to have no contact with the outside world, to be in need of medication which is not allowed to come in because nothing is allowed to come in from outside. I may not be related to those people by blood, but no doubt we look similar and we share something which is, to me, more precious than any living, tangible connection. We are Muslim. We as individuals may not be able to do much when bad things happen, because how much sway does the average person hold over the general populace? Or...the world? Not much, I'd say. But we can spread the message. We can raise awareness, let people know so everyone can do a tiny little something towards helping and, hopefully, if the message is sufficiently spread, then the sheer number of people trying to achieve change is substantial enough to leave a mark. Or several, if we're lucky. I urge people to talk to their local MPs/councillors/whatever the title of the local government representative is where you live. It doesn't have to be a matter of faith. It's a matter of human rights. People are being denied basic rights like food and water and medical aid, and contact with loved ones who live elsewhere, with no news of how they're doing. Let's stand up for one another. 22:50 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 10:33 I wish I didn't have baggage sometimes. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when I felt like it. Ah, those precious, precious years I took for granted when I could do just that. They are a distant dream now, so far in the past that it feels like they never really existed. Is it a waste of time reworking a story you don't plan to do anything with? See, the story/stories I've been thinking about and mentioning on here the last few days are romance and I don't want to put romance stories out there. I want to be a fantasy author - romance is just a little side interest I have, like an exhibition I frequently walk past in an internal zoo. Poke poke. Awaken the sleeping beast! Well, the beast is already pretty wide awake. It always is. But let's ignore that particular one for now. The first story I ever wrote (the first story I was serious about, at any rate), was a fantasy. It was set on Earth, with passage to another realm a possibility and the main characters were three siblings, a pair of twins and a small girl. Looking back on it now, it was pretty bland. It was a mishmash of all the stories I'd read up to that point. I can't even remember the names or authors of the stories I'd drawn inspiration from - they were fantasy standalones or series with really bulky tomes that I only read odd books from, because those were all I could find and didn't realise at the time that the library had a system of ordering books in from other nearby libraries. Hey, what do you know, I managed to fill eleven minutes with pointless drivel, as usual. Should I keep doing this? Yes, I think I will. If nothing else, the blog is a constant reminder that I haven't written anything for a while. As long as I have a reminder, I will get back to writing. If I don't have a reminder, it might be months before I pick up the habit again. 10:45 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:26 I am stuffed. I made pancakes in the morning (well, past noon actually), had parathas for lunch (more like tea), and pizzas for dinner (at...ten 'o' clock). Not strictly not my usual routine but it's been a fun couple of days, having people staying over. Tonight is probably going to be another late night spent watching something or other on Netflix. We're currently watching 13 Reasons Why. We've nearly finished season one. It is not the sort of thing I or my friend would usually watch but searching for things to watch on Netflix can turn into a bit of a struggle. Anywho, onto more writery matters. I keep thinking about the story of mine that I recently read. My interest in the whole thing has been reawakened. I want to write. I'm itching to write, but I also want to be a good host so this is the only time I've allowed myself to go on the computer for a bit. I actually want to squeal due to how badly I want to write right now. When I'm really into a story, I start fantasising about it when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Back to being a good host...and watching 13 Reasons Why. 23:37 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:35 I have been very busy this summer. I can't believe the holidays are almost over! I've woken up early today and thought I'd try to get some writing done now because I'll be busy later. Guests are coming to stay. I will likely be up until five in the morning watching Netflix Good times! I will try to read some more of my Rift-Touched novel today as I go along, although I have no idea how much success I'll have. And right now, I want to start working on the other story idea I had after reading the other old story of mine. The one I want to write for NaNo. Yeah, I can't wait. I'll do something else for NaNo. I don't know what else to say. I am supposed to be working on an assignment and I had a bit of help from a friend the day before so I have a faint inkling of what I'm supposed to do, but I haven't yet been able to find any complete journal articles or research papers I can use so I'm not entirely sure how to begin. There is access to more papers through the local library but you have to go into the library to view them, despite there being a website. How am I supposed to do that with a three-year-old in tow? I'm dallying now, waiting for the clock to read 06:45 so I can stop. But I guess if I have nothing more to say, I'd better just click off. 06:44 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 22:50 I guess not really "paid", but...yeah. Motherhood and its associated endevours are often not very rewarding. That's my opinion anyway. I've been rushing about all day, busy with something or other. I have only myself to blame - I'm not very good at pacing myself and on the days when I don't wake up early for my prayers, I sleep in and lose several valuable hours I could have spent doing some writing or working on my college assignments. Anywho, I have done nothing for my story today. I have not read anything or edited anything or even thought about my stories. I want to explore my idea for the story I'm going to be doing for NaNo this year. So, basically, because I'm more into the idea of exploring racism and prejudice and all that, I thought it would be interesting if one of the main characters brings some diversity into the mix and the relationship between these characters has to be about finding ways around the cultural differences and language barriers or something. But these types of stories are not usually my kind of thing, although it would be nice to add to my skills. I'm thinking now that I've been over this because it's starting to sound very familiar...I don't have a very good memory. But that's what I'm thinking of. Hopefully, I'll get an early start tomorrow and try to get some of it out. 23:00 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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