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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 16:30 I feel I haven't done much of anything today. I finally sewed a pair of pants I'd measured and cut several days ago but it's one of four garments that need sewing and making pants doesn't require a whole lot of effort. Plus, it's quite warm here these days, adding to the lazy feeling. I have less than two weeks before I'm due to upload my first draft of the Blugaste story. Still on the introductory chapter. I added a quote to one of my assignments and that was about it. I'm useless. My cousin, who has come to stay a while, has been reading my Rift-Touched novel. The feeling of being able to ask questions about my own story, to see what she thought and whether she found anything amiss, was awesome! I guess it's always going to be like that when someone shows an interest - at least, I hope it will always be like that. I'd hate to get used to that feeling, because everybody's input is valuable with regard to my stories. Any opinion shared can be an opportunity for me to better my work. In other news, back during Ramadan, I was grousing to my friends about how the nice guy character in K-dramas never seems to win his love interest's heart, since it goes to the male lead who's usually brash, arrogant, and really annoying but improves over the course of the story. So I said I would write a story where Mr Nice Guy wins her heart for once. Another project to look into. Hmm...maybe I can do that for Nano this year. Only four months left!!  16:42 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 00:56 Fifty-six minutes late! I totally forgot that I had a blog entry to do. I took my kitten to the vet at four and then went to my cousin's thereafter, returning home at like ten-fifteen. I tucked my little boy into bed, read my prayers, and then sat down to have a chat with my cousin's daughter, who's come along to spend a few days. Today hasn't been a lazy day. I did a number of things, except after breakfast where I caught up on a few much-needed hours of sleep. I know, I know, sleeping on a full stomach isn't a good practice. Despite these extra hours though, I am still knackered so I'm going to cut this entry a bit short. I'm still writing the Blugaste story, although the going is very slow. I am on my computer for the first time today...although "today" has already turned into "yesterday" and "tomorrow" is "today." This week has been quite hectic overall. My mum came back from Pakistan on Sunday. Pretty much all this week, barring today, I went down and spent the day there. Turns out I'm only cutting it short by one minute. 01:05 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 18:44 Yesterday, I got a sticker on my car telling me my vehicle wasn't taxed...yeah. So I taxed it for the beginning of August and...now I'm carless! And relying on others to get me places, because clearly it is an affront of me to go anywhere by myself on foot! I don't live a country away from my parents' place but here I am, unable to go back home. My sister was going to take our auntie home and I asked if I could hitch a ride back to my own place and she said agreed. When I got home, I remembered I'd left my keys at my parents'. What an idiot.  Since my sister got back from work, she's not had a chance to just sit down and relax so I feel bad for pressing the issue since we came back to my parents' but I don't want to ask my dad either. And now, like the idiot that I am, I'm sitting here moaning and groaning to myself but not really making any effort to speak to anyone about getting home. Maybe I could ring my brother, but he works odd times and I have no way of knowing where he could be at any given moment so I'm a little hesitant to ask. I guess I could walk out of here but I did some shopping and I have my little one and no pushchair to take him back. Too much hassle. I hate this. I hate having to rely on others. 18:59 Not sure I did a full ten minutes of writing there, as I had a bit of a break in-between. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:58 I wrote an entry last night. I know I did. I stole the advice prompt from the 30DB Challenge to do it. Either it's vanished into the ether after I saved it or...I never saved it. Memory, am I right? In any case, I received an email telling me to update so here we are. I took my kitten in to get neutered today. I'm not too concerned. I feel I don't give him enough attention. I feel bad but I'm so lazy that I can't be bothered being more proactive in his upbringing. I should have gotten an adult cat - they're just as lazy as me, from what I've seen! I wanted a pet that was low maintenance but kittens are very playful and require quite a bit of attention. But since I didn't know anything about animals and since Dean is the first pet I've ever bought, I didn't really have much of an idea how things would be. Plus, I'm easily scared. Animals freak me out. I love em, but they freak me out. So I thought "Let's start out small!" In other news, I've written about 1100 words of the beginning of the new novel. Two weeks and two days before my deadline! 10:16 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 18:19 While staring at the empty subject bar waiting for inspiration to hit, I figured I could just talk about that. How inspiration hits, mind. Not empty subject bars. Though they're related in this case, I suppose. It all fits into the way I write. I wait for inspiration to hit while writing, although I'm experimenting with planning things out beforehand, as previous entries will show. (FYI, it's not going well lol.) It starts off with a spark, something to ignite my creativity. A line of poetry or prose which sounds cool at that moment. Or perhaps it's a character doing something. Or just a character with a unique design. I see my characters in manga form, since that's where most of my inspiration comes from. My stories feel a lot like boys' manga. I like staying in my comfort zone. I feel I don't do particularly well writing in genres, since there are rules that I may not be able to abide by, which is why I feel fantasy fits me so well. Fantasy can be an amalgamation of everything. If you feel you don't do the whole world-building, far-flung planets, sword and sorcery types of fantasy very well, you can just stick with fantastical elements in present-day Earth. Or somewhere in-between. I love fantasy! 18:32 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 11:38 I'm having a bit of a problem. I started writing a plotless fanfic (like you do), for the sole purpose of motivating myself to start writing. It kind of worked...on the days when I bothered to do any writing. But when I do sit down to seriously fill a page, I do become quite invested in it. The idea was just to get used to writing every day but when I become too invested, all my other, original works get put on hold. I want to finish the fanfic before I tackle anything else, even though there isn't an end in sight. Fanfics are like my relaxed writings - I do it for the sake of writing, nothing else...and also because, you know...certain pairings appeal to me :D Since I started writing seriously a few years ago (I've mentioned in my bio that my resolution to write has wavered over the years - sometimes, I felt I should do it, at other times I was like "Who cares anyway? Forget it." but I've decided to go with it and see where it takes me, as of 2017), I've felt that fanfiction kills my creativity. Generally, it's the same crap over and over again and I don't care about plots and characters. I don't have to do the characterisation since it's already been done by someone else, right? It's a challenge since they're not my characters and the things they do and say can only be confirmed by the author who thought them up. Readers would often leave reviews saying "I don't think X would do this" or "Y wouldn't say something like that". It's too constraining and everyone has different interpretations. ...So you see how fanfiction took over the entry for a bit there? I hadn't meant to do that. I really have a problem with it  11:48 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:50 I thought I'd miss the constant noise at my parents' house when I came back home but, so far, I'm loving the peace and quiet! And I've only just turned the computer on despite the fact that I've been home for about four hours and, in the first half hour, I put the little one to bed. Basking in the quiet and calm, I prayed the late afternoon prayer, then played some games on my phone while waiting for the sunset prayer (I'm lazy so I try to make one ablution last for as many prayers as I can, which is usually the last three of the day since they're closer together this time of year). Then I made myself a sandwich and watched a K-drama. Then I did the night prayer and now, here I am! I remember in my childhood, I didn't enjoy the peace and stillness that comes after someone who'd stayed with us for a while went back. It happened with my sister. She would come, bringing my nephew with her, and it was so lively in the house. He is my first nephew so it was a big thing for all of us when he was with us, back before they moved to my parents' house. Everyone was cheered by the baby. I got to see the soft side of my dad, which only comes out around very small children who are part of the family. Not that he's mean to other people's kids - but there's a certain distance we maintain towards strangers' kids, no matter how much we love children, right? Speaking of my father...boy, was staying at his house for two weeks a challenge! He seems to be getting even more critical of everything with age. Nothing is ever up to par. Everyone is a disappointment. He moved my car for me last night, because he was out and the spot I usually parked at had been vacated. He told me today that I had to refill the oil. I do not do cars...aside from barely-passably drive them. And during this refilling of the oil, I heard so many criticisms! "You've left the car in a right state!" and "The paint work was so nice and you had to go and scrape the door somewhere!" I mean...they were all valid criticisms, don't get me wrong, particularly since the guy got me the car. I'm not a great driver. I've been in a few minor scrapes. My husband, who was driving the car mostly for the last few months, has left it a pigsty. There is cigarette ash everywhere, despite my constant requests that he not smoke in the car. And the gas pedal is loose, for some weird reason. But I mean, come on! You don't talk to your daughter that often so, when you do, must you speak in that way? And meek like idiot that I am, no matter how old I get and how much I come to see my dad as just another human being, I can never seem to climb the hurdle that is the awkward relationship between him and me. This was a bit ranty. Sorry >_< 00:11 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 23:33 I feel a lack of energy a lot nowadays. Maybe it's the atmosphere at my parents' house or the lack of sleep or, according to my sister, my horrendous diet. I did assure her that cereal is very nutritious, thank you very much! So what if one wants to eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? It's delicious! If I could get away with eating nothing but cereal, I would do it! Maybe throw in a bite of apple now and then. Maybe. If I remember. If I end up in heaven after I leave my worldly abode, I assure you that the food I'll be eating there will be cereal. I used to love bananas, but then I got this infection on my tongue which flared up when I ate things that were too sweet. Who likes unripe bananas? Anywho, back to cereals. My favourites are Rice Krispies. I've been curious about Nestle's Curiously Cinnamon (I think that's what it's called) so I got a box of Aldi's own brand of the stuff. It's so good! I think Rice Krispies might be in danger of getting replaced on my favourites list. My eyes are starting to shut. I was supposed to have a bath first! Now I don't want to get up! 23:44 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 22:29 I don't know if half-assed is a word...well, I don't think it is, but it encapsulates my entire personality very well. I'm never...assed about anything enough to give it my all. I like baking but complex decorating requires time and effort, which I cannot be bothered to give. I made the resolution to practice drawing every day but...I never got anywhere. I like sewing but I've never bothered to sew for the sake of getting better at it - I just sew when I'm bored and in the mood for a roughly-made dress that is most likely going to end up a couple sizes too big. I make canvases but haven't bothered practising to get better at lettering so my wanna-be calligraphy-esque writing on these canvases, when I do make the effort to bust the paints out, is all squished together towards the end. And of course, it affects my writing. I write a story. I get into it. I love it! But I'm still not invested enough to go all out and challenge myself, which results in the same "safe" drivel all the time - underdeveloped plots, fantasy settings that are a little bland, and some plain lazy writing when I can't be bothered to show a scene and instead condense it into a couple paragraphs of exposition. I'm trying to change that...although I'm not trying nearly hard enough. I can blame my new surroundings and the lack of routine all I want but the truth doesn't change. I'm not motivated. I want to write but the desire to get the story out isn't there at all. I get distracted by the stupidest things - this word puzzle I downloaded on my phone a while back, Tetris (also recently downloaded), Netflix, WDC (not to say WDC is stupid!)...in fact, I could condense all of the aforementioned into one word - internet! The internet is an enormous distraction. Just knowing that a possible means of procrastinating is but a click away is enough to ensure days go by before I get any serious writing done. ...After a while, my entries all start to feel like they're just talking about the same things. But what to do? I appear to have a strainer beneath my memories - only the substantial memories are kept. All the others just vanish into the ether. 22:45 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 15:23 I had some time to spare so instead of sitting around like a turd, I thought I'd do today's entry. But it's real hard. I've opted to come down to the living room and sit with the family. The TV is on, although my sister-in-law has left to get the little ones from school. She watches a lot of Pakistani dramas. So droll! I don't like Pakistani dramas because they feel too real sometimes...and that's depressing. They usually focus on girls either getting married and having to deal with vicious in-laws or struggling to get married to the men they love because the families don't approve the union. Pakistani dramas get less depressing towards the end, when the story's about to wrap up. In that regard, I guess they're a teensy bit idealistic - because regardless of how bad the girls' situations get, by the finale, things get better. In real life, I would imagine there are a lot of girls for whom things do not get better. Oh, yay! It was on YouTube so now that the video's over, there's nothing else on. Blessed silence! I got started on the Hunter Svolteria story last night, although I didn't write a whole lot. But every little helps, right? I'm still determined to get the first draft done by the 8th...although I have no idea where this confidence is coming from This was just a thought I had while writing: since I know what's coming in the story, I thought I'd get creative and try and put foreshadowing in there. It's fun, although I don't think I'm any good at it. But these little things can be challenging and it's good to have a bit of a challenge, even if you're like me and prefer to stay deeply entrenched in your comfort zone. 15:34 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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