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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| Another thing. I was of the impression that my Dad wanted to kill himself last night by eating foul sausage. I then wondered whether he really wanted to do himself in. This morning I had a thought from one of his nieces, Sandra Plan, that she gave him the idea to eat this foul stuff in my thoughts and stuff to kill me. I think he is not good, this Dad of mine. My real Dad, Prince Philip of Edinburgh, the late Prince Philip, has been guarding me as well whenever God allows. Dad this Nemesio person is not good. He was hired by Mrs Windsor, Elizabeth to kill me once I was somehow of age to become Queen. So I do not know what to do. I think this Nemesio is not good. If he wanted to kill me he could still do it today. Sunday. Sundays are bad for girls named Mary and Catholics in general. Sunday is when all of those who had an axe to grind against the catholics band together and kill them in some way. Kill in terms of - making them super sad, so fucking sadthey want to do themselves in, or make them hurt and make them have a tumour or make their kids sad or die somehow, by sticking their toes against some object or causing them coughing spells that are so violent they almost lose consciousness which I had one time. A woman named Amanda schoolcraft did this to me at work and did it to me at dinner time. I was so fucking sick and coughed so hard I fell on my knees on the floor and hurt my right knee which hurt for weeks after and I came to holding on to the trashcan and kneeling down. My eyes watered. I wasn't happy. Another time that my Dad might have condoned the evil hateful torment of me was when I was making something on the stove. It caught on fire. A small fire on the stove got me so unhappy. We have a fire extinguisher. But it petered out before all the flames could be doused. Then I tried other ways to douse the flames. I put wet towels on top of the stove. I tried to put a lot of ice cubes over it. All the time, Dad was in his chair in the kitchen, looking at his Facebook. I glanced over to see if he noticed there was a fire on the stove. He wasn't looking. Then finally he got up and saw. He said something and then reached for the water spout and then spouted water over the flames. Finally the thing died away. I do not wish Dad to be the heavy in my life. Yet even my stepmother Sally is an evil whore and is making me sad a lot and making Colin sad as well. We are both, Colin and I, made sad by these bastards and we cry together and yet we cannot seem to shake these bastards. I wish not to have another day in this fucking trapped life I have. Last night I also had a few words to tell Dad. I told him I wanted to apply for a microloan for my small business. Dad said he thought I'd be digging myself into the hole. I got upset at him. I reasoned and said this loan is to gain more audience to what I'm selling, to get more of a buzz, and i said that once that was achieved I'd be able to pay back the loan. Each month. His idea is that I'll never be able to get anywhere with my business. This is a bastard idea. They these bastards think they'll smother every inspiration that I receive from God and they'll smother all of these inspired acts that I make, by making me die every time I do something half way into a creative thing. I have been intimidated to stop writing anything now. They threaten my pets my dad and everyone even Colin so that everyone I care about will die. Finally leaving me totally alone in this big bad world. What do I do then? Is this going to be my lot in life all the life I have? I am dead yes but I've not been carried away into the deserts of Afghanistan to be made sport of by those ghastly people. I donot wish to be kidnapped or stuck into a clinic or sanatorium to be made catatonic and become so unhappy that Colin will never want me then. I wish to ask You for prayers. i am trapped. I am so fucking trapped. These bastards are still walking around somewhere near me. My house is a negative sucking thing and all of the bastards come to this place, taking turns to torture me, yes torture me. I need help my God. Please help me. |
| I am up and it's about 5 50 or so in the morning. I am now having a cup of tea (Twinings, Peppermint). I also have had my bread and butter. I am not sure what else to make for breakfast. It might happen that I wil make some more pancakes but I've already made those for my evening snack last night. My night has been somewhat off. I went to bed last night and it was almost midnight when I felt feverish and so I took two tylenol to get me through the night. I was doing some work at my usual station when Dad came back from church. he attends st Mary's at the Lafayette Indiana spot. He goes there every Saturday at about 3 pm he leaves and then comes home almost at six in the evening. Last night he wanted to make dinner right after getting into the house. I said I wasn't interested in eating as I had a snack. Then he made sausages (patties you know) and wow, it stank. It stank so much I asked him if that stuff was still good. I know that he bought them a few months ago and I've not gotten to eat any since I was not interested in eating them for some reason. He persisted. He said it was fine to eat them. So I kept my silence but he ate the stuff and then he left to watch TV. In the living room. I went to sleep early and Colin and I shared a few thoughts together. Then I awoke, feeling feverish. I do not know but somehow I imght have inhaled a few microbes of the bad sausage and gotten the first symptoms of a fever. So I got out of bed and took some Tylenol. Colin did too. I feel a bit more like myself now. But when I awoke earlier I was struck by a dizzy spell as I stepped out of my bedroom into the hallway. I was so fucking dizzy that I staggered a few steps aside and I almost knocked over the statue of St Michael the Archangel next to me against the wall. I had to stand there a few minutes while I got my composure back. I wasn't happy at this but I decided to go to the loo and then once I got out I went to fix some hot coffee or was it tea? I do not remember. I've been posting a vlog and a blog about nothing in particular elsewhere. I have a LuLaRoe business and my company suggested we discuss what we like about their leggings. And so I did that. If you're ever interested look me up as Lularoe Mary Ione. Must fly, Mary |
| To my Thoughts, I'm awake and well enough. The Bastard made me sad so sad and made Colin sad too. I'm feeling that He isn't happy because he might be blamed for what has happened to our love through the years. But the reality is that the bastard herself did this to us and now is trying to put the blame on Colin who is a dear Man and I want Him to know that he is still my onliest and I hope one day to be his onliest. I have been able to have coffee, shared bacon with the pups, and somebread and butter. I am trying to put up a good front and sometimes He, Colin, in spirit, gives me a boost but he's busy and so he relies on the other good thoughts I have to keep me going. The plan today is to get an errand or two done. I'm now working on LuLaRoe and on Thirty-One Gifts. I have been doing well with both, as far as promoting it all but of course, this is a start up business and I'm starting from ground zero, haha. I do like the products that i am selling so it's not a drudgery. I would not wish to work for a business that had ordinary, common stuff to sell. It could be a challenge I cannot meet. What do you say about a screw or some sort of cork or some sort of tool or utensil unless you sold wow, Pampered Chef, now well, that's another cool idea, what do You think? Hahaha. I might be a bit overextended and it will be somehow de trop to do that as I have not the cash to invest in it. I have asked someone in Norwex to send me some info about joining them but I do not have cash either. They are in the hundred dollar range to invest in. I do believe in their products. I wash my dishes and pots and pans with Norwex products. I have not been successful at paying the WiFi and it might take some doing to keep it going if I don't happen to get the lotto this week, haha. The tv subscription is also needing paid. I did schedule a payment of the WiFi at the bank online but then things got a bit screwed up so I had less than the available amount to pay it. Instead, i paid the electric bill and the water bill as Dad was totally bereft of cash in the bank. He also has no credit cards as he decided to give those up a few months ago. I do not know if he has any cash at all stashed away. I am remembering that he has had some money issues with my stepmother when I was younger. I witnessed some words exchanged. And stepmother told me in private that she suspected he hid money from her. I do not know if this is true or if he has done this still. All I know is what face value stuff I get from people in my life. If they have lied to me, it's between them and God. I must get going. I have a few errands to do. I do not have any real idea when I'll blog again but it wil depend on how sad I am or if I'm busy with other things - the usual washing up and the prepping of food and the crocheting and knitting et cetera. Must fly, Mary |
| The last day was not great. In actuality, I was fucking sad. I also found out that the faucet in the kitchen is not pouring a lot of its potential of water so the water is coming out in a trickle, maybe a thin amount. It will be very difficult to wash dishes as a result. I've had to resort to eating off of paper plates last night. We had a supply of those from past parties we had and had leftover plates. I'm up and have been for a half hour or so. I'm going through a difficult decision on whether to keep writing. I'm usually not doing more than a blog or two, and some of the time I'm able to write a small paragraph or a few lines of a screenplay. Now, I'm up against: the big tax bill, the levy threatened on my checking account, and last night my puppy had a puking spell. I've been trying to put a brave face on it, and have been able to put my confidence in God. God takes care of everything in my life. I do not falter in my trust in Him. But I am sad and I wish to be free from this imprisoned life. My own Dad is going through his own financial difficulties. I am not sure we'll be able to keep going. Or survive. I am serious. There are still menacing thoughts who want us to be murdered in our sleep, or get us in trouble. Some of these people are the people who are responsible for making me terrified of going out on my own. As 'luck' would have it, I've got my driving privileges taken away due to non-payment of two traffic violations. They were given me in December. I was going through a problem at home and I thought my cat had to go to ER. But this story is in my google docs so I do not wish to belabor it. The traffic tickets are $234 a piece. That means it will get a total of $468. I have the letter to the people who are going to preside over my tickets and am asking them to either dismiss the tickets or cut the tickets in half. Here is the gist of my letter to them: I’ve been given traffic tickets for the above infractions. I wish to provide my side of the story about what happened. "It was on a Sunday early morning. I was driving through Northwestern Avenue in the vicinity of the Purdue University campus. It was probably in the 3 or 4 a.m. time. I was (to my knowldege) the only person on the road. I was trying to see if I could get help from the ER in Purdue’s Veterinary hospital for my pet. But i decided not to because it wasn’t that serious a problem and the fees to house my pet would be too high and I couldn’t afford them. I doubled back to go home and in that time I saw a pair of headlights at my rear view mirror. I was scared at this and decided to change lanes to see if the driver of these headlights would follow me. The driver of this car or vehicle followed me to the same lane I went to. I went to the other lane and he or she did the same. I was filled with fear. I did not know what to do. Then all of a sudden there was a flashing light that came from the vehicle behind me. It was a police car or vehicle (it turned out to be an SUV). When I realized this, I thought of pulling over but a thought came to mind that this could be a fake police car and that I might be a victim of some bad thing. I knew that the police station was nearby so instead of pulling over I drove over to the police station. By then two vehicles were on my tail and it was so scary. I knew that if I went to the police station I would be in a better situation to face the people driving the police vehicles that were following me. I parked. Then the one police officer came to my window. She told me her name was Officer McIntire and her badge number was badge 123. She and I spoke and I explained why I didn’t yield to their unspoken signals to be pulled over. Then I told her that I thought that this was not a real police confrontation with them, that I thought that they might be fake cops. I then went on to say that I knew a police station was nearby so I thought I could at least be in a safe place where they could get my information. She said that I failed to yield and that I was weaving. I did not argue with her nor with the male officer who also came into view. He left without a word to me. She asked for my license and the car registration. At that time I was still terrified. I have never had this happen to me in my entire life as a responsible driver. She finally gave me my ticket documents. I was given leave to get back to driving home. That was the end of the incident. I did not pay my traffic tickets because I have no money. I am on a fixed income. I am trying to see how to pay the tickets and yet the fees are high - $234 each ticket and that would be a total of $468. I cannot pay these and ignore my other bills and financial obligations. So I wanted to appeal to you to review the paperwork and decide whether I have a legitimate cause to ask for the appeal. I am hoping that you might either dismiss the infractions and reinstate my driving privileges or, at least lessen the fines that I am asked to pay. I look forward to hearing from you and your final decision." |
| Just got up and now had breakfast of tea and bbutter. I am slightly sleepy still. Some dreams come mind. Nothing in particular. Something like a shopping scene. Or getting my hair done. ANd not having any credit cards to use, or losing the credit card in the bag that I had with me. A very frustrating thing to dream about. I need to know when this dog will end the biting of me and I wish to be happy with him but he's sad and Iwish to go away now. I am sad still. I wish to be happy. I need to get some other thing to go to or do. I'm tired of being online. Nothing is there. I cannot go through another day stuck in the same place in my house. I want to bereak free of all these thoughts that are hemming me in. I need to do other things but these bad thoughts threaten to stab me in the back or any part of my body if ever I got a job in a store or an office. They'll all be waiting for me there. I am needing healing, help, refuge, asylum, you name it. I want to do this reseaerch on Spain but I"m fucking sad and sleepy again! |
| I'm not sure if I mentioned that I now am part of a tutoring community. I signed up with them the other week. It's a challenging yet a good job, and I'm helping people to do better in school. School is a big deal, and this culture wants everyone to have a college degree, because they want people to earn a good living. So if you know anyone who wants to be tutored, please send me a message here. My day yesterday went a bit choppy. I was alternately ok and depressed. I felt inundated with a lot of thoughts, and they were driving me crazy. I finally got so fucking sad that I cried, and asked Jesus to heal me. I am going through therapy and seeing a shrink. I have been going through therapy for so many years since I got slammed in my job at Yale. I was so fucking unhappy after I left Yale or even while I was there. I am not ashamed to reveal this fact that I am depressed and it might be something that affects me more deeply since I became a real writer. I suffered a great deal of highs and lows when I attended my Creative Writing program. I thought then that creatives tend to be so fucking emotional, but it might be due to their craft as writers, actors and screenwriters, or anything like that. I remember thinking that when I had to think of how to create a character, I had to get into that character's psyche and it was so fucking amazingly sick, and not sick like bad, but sick like wow, how exciting that I could get into a character's mind and see what motivates them. I took a short course in writing online before I went to get my MFA and the teacher talked about how actors in a play or film have to have what they called "stringlines" which they have to have in order to decide how to portray a character in the movie they're making. Stringlines are what writers or directors or anyone involved with writing in a movie or play - they are a narrative of what the character is, where he came from in life, his motivation, his fears, his goals and that I found so fucking amazing, so very happy making that I might have gotten into a big discovery. In making a character I have gotten the idea that this might be somehow a hamrful thing to me in my mind. I don't know if actors out there have that same idea or reaction or side effect from portraying roles that are harmful or bizarre, or even villainous. Even character roles might be a problem for a sensitive nature and I wish that this didn't happen to them. I think that the downward slide of anyone in acting could be due to a role the actor played decades ago which might have yet to be resolved or to put it in a graphic way, exorcised. It is important for anyone in the creative business to understand that the mind is so very susceptible and the idea of subliminal communications or messages is so endemic in the things writers/film actors and other creatives go through in their work. I pray that those who are suffering silently, and keeping going on with their creativity could pause for a moment or two, and think about how they could get themselves help. It's not an embarassment anymore to admit to anyone that they're in therapy. I remember that in my first instance of being in therapy, I was told by my therapist that nobody should know that I"m going through it. So I had to 'skulk' out of work early to get to see my therapist. I causedme a great deal of sadness to have to leave early at work to see my doctor ever three or four weeks. I knew that some people at work would look down on me and talk about me. I think after that time I went through other employment and later I admitted to my superiors that I did see a therapist. One of them said what for, friends can do it for me. I told her that ideally a friend might be ok, but friends can only hear the problems that you have one too many times and they'll be thinking and telling others you're a bore and that you are such a needy and clingy person, so if you think that then that really happens. I know that if a person got paid to hear my problems that person is agreeing to tolerate the problems you present and is trained to know what and how to help you. So please, go see a therapist, and just lie to people about the damn problem of how to present that person as a therapist. Or, go into a disguise and wear a moustache to see him, haha. All I want for people who are creative is to preserve their talents. That's their way of earning a living. But if they are sad all the time due to their work, then they need this way of coping with the aftermath of the work they have done. It's terrible, I know, but what can you do? If you pray and that is good, pray to God and Jesus about how you're going through hell and they'll be helping you to cope as well. Some people hate the idea of going into a 'church' or be a part of organized religion. Well, that's just a prejudice that is directed against people who pray or think about their faith. This 'crutch' thing has been given to me in conversation by a bastard and she was not anyone. I think that if you do think of it as a crutch, well, fucking do it then. Just tell people you aren't perfect and nobody is, are they? If we were perfect, it would be like why do you even live on earth anyway? I wish to be a peaceable person. I do not wish to create a fuss anywhere I go. I merely wish to be a good and helpful person. I hope that this post will be helpful to everyone. Mary |
| This is a short piece. I've got a new job as a tutor for high school/college students. I'm not as happy with it. It's catch as catch can. I feel like I'm always stuck to my computer to see what tutoring appointments come up. I wish to let everyone know that if you want a tutoring session with me in an online basis, you can go to my scheduler: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=19084108 Thanks, Mary |
| I'm blogging but I'm not quite sure what to discuss. Today went alright. I awoke after 4 am. I went to do some stuff online. I cannot say that I did anything worth talking about with people here. I was able to talk to someone who's selling thirty one gifts online and in person. She and I had a texting conversation. I wanted to join but didn't have any money, and today I asked my Dad (my adoptive Dad) for 31 dollars and he said he didn't have enough to help me with. So I was not happy to hear that. I am seriously doubting that he cares for me and cares that I'm feeling sadder and sadder in my life here in West Lafayette. I want to leave here but I've not any one who can help . Those who might have any means to help me seem to be stuck and cannot do much for me at all. I only want to go to my lover who is also stuck in his own life. I don't have any other means to get through to this time or place where I can freely express and be a writer as I've been meant to be. This whole USA is not a good place to live in if you're anyone who likes to think and analyze what is happening in this world. The USA is so feared and yet here we have so many clowns who are running this country. I cannot do much to criticise the people who run the country. I'll only get punished by death thoughts and these are harming me and my psyche. That is why I have to take medicines to keep me from feeling depressed and suicidal and all. I hope that anyone who's reading along with this blog post will pray for me. I need to get out of here and find my place where God truly wants me to be. I need to have a simple life somewhere where I can earn some money to get through the month and to be with my real love who's unable to do anything because he's much to big in the social circles where I want to live. I used to live there when I was a child but I was kidnapped and taken to the Far East. I grew up not knowing that I was an English citizen. These people were so crafty that they made all kinds of documents to say that I was born in 1956 when I was really born in 1944. I am so sad that they have made it so hard for me to find my place in life. My father, Prince Philip was assassinated when he came to find me in 1968 and then the people who made him die decided to hire an actor to take his place next to the Queen. I'm now hoping someone could find out what to do and how to make things right again. I am so sad and I am wishing to disappear into the fog where they won't ever find me. I'll likely disappear into the fog and emerge somewhere else where God might have a home for me and my lover. I want this a lot and I won't give up on Us, Mary, Colin Firth here. I will make it happen, I promise. I love You Colin. This is Mary. Mary Ione, who was Ione Mountbatten in England, where we met in the past. I will always Love You, Mary Ione. Colin Firth. |
| I've been up since before 5 o'clock in the morning. I'm hearing the tv on and they're talking about the primaries, and it's a bit distracting. I've been able to get a few things done in the last few days. One, I've gotten a job offer to tutor kids from high school on to college about writing. Then I also worked on getting a FB page to add to the tutoring business. I tweaked my website to have only tutoring and resume writing. I'm no longer working to get a regulatory business going. I'm tired of writing the same old stupid stuff that the medical device industry is all about. I'm not going to worry too much over whether the work I'm given from these people is real or has evidence that they can attest to and prove. I've started a new knitting project, as well as an afghan or two, which I'm happy about. I think that the last few days have not been as bad but I do know that I've been killed a few times in the last few days due to just being still alive. I will hang on since I know that I'm still wanted by some people to do my work for the Lord God Almighty. I've tweaked a query letter to some agents and I hope someone there will find my story interesting enough to pitch to the publishing companies. I'm unable to spend much on the independent side of my publishing business. I will, if I get that tutoring job on the road. I mean, if it gets people to sign up to get tutoring. I've seen a salary.com salary for online tutors to be around 30-50K and that might be a nice thing to think of. I asked a car salesman (whom we've hired in the past to get us a couple of Hondas) if this new job I've been offered will be good enough to get a used car from his dealership. he replied saying that he doesn't think so. I think that this guy is totally steeped in his own pool of sad shit. I hope he gets to wake up and smell the coffee. I am convinced that I and other people in my situation can rise out of the ashes and find a place in this world. I hope so anyway. I cannot believe that people can peg anybody that they're a total failure based on the size of their bank account. If there's life in their minds then there's life in the way they live and that means they won't fail and that means that their banks will be given some money to deposit. It's sad that people who seem to think they're in the know have the last word on people who they see or meet in their jobs. These are the deluded people who think they are the big shots anyway. They will be unhappy to discover that there will be a resurgence of those who have been denied life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. These people who've been downtrodden will be happy someday, I pray. There's not much else to say about the above at this point. I'm feeling ok, but there has been a slight spasm that I've felt when I was on Pinterest. I was trying to make an pin about my Lularoe product and then the puppy started to puke. He didn't really puke a lot. But it was enough to tell me that the people on Pinterest are haters of mine. It's a sad thing. I can pinpoint these haters as well as I can because they've been always in the thoughts with me and they are my deniers, my naysayers, and these people are the same person that also haunts my lover. I will say this: Michael the Archangel is knowledgeable about what they have been up to and what they've done to my life and the lives of my loved ones - including the life of my first dog, Duke. That is all for now. Look for me on Twitter and other social media. |
| Colin and I are enjoying the morning. It's TGIF and it will be a better weather day, we think. The pets are around, puppy is mewling because he can't wait to get fed. Max is a quiet one now but I'm suspecting he'll erupt in a volley of barking once Dad is awake and has stirred about in the house. Our menu is a sacrosanct thing so we won't reveal it. If you smell anything lovely it's close but not quite, haha. I have some errands to run and Colin will be doing something else as well. Dad and the dogs and I will check out something in the far beyond of Lafayette, beyond the bridge that spans the Wabash River. The Wabash River is a landmark around here. I cannot say much about it, but there are other bridges that span the Wabash, like the Harrison bridge which comes out of the Purdue area (University) which is the street they call Union. Union stretch beyond Purdue and goes across the railroad tracks - there's a few exits to go into town, one of which is 3rd street but before that there's an exit into the Levee which is a largish mall but it's all outside. The shops include the Creamery (where they serve stone cold ice cream), the Panera restaurant, the Chinese restaurants (one of which serves wraps, if you can believe a Chinese wrap?), a beauty salon named Evan Todd (which is rather a lot of money but they do spa massages, colouring of hair, nails and Aveda moisturizers, hair treatments, makeup and the like. Being a Saturday it might be filled with girls who are getting ready for a wedding (Saturdays are wedding bridal parties) which is fun but gets a bit crowded. Then they also have other shops like Starbucks (which used to be near the end of the mall but has morphed into a new building which seems to have a cramped parking lot (as they tend to have them) and rather weird people who stay there endlessly looking fierce over coffee as they contemplate the nubile coeds who come in before and after their Purdue classes. Then there's the Sparkletone dry cleaners, the Rubia Flower shop - which was a lovely place I thought when I arranged with them some flower arrangement for a girl friend who was getting hitched. Then they have the nice Hotel, can't remember which hotel chain, might be Holiday Inn. Next to which is the Verizon building. There's a small walkway across the street nearby to a fountain and then beyond is the bridge cross walk where tourist can make a few memories with a cell phone camera, creating selfies. There's a small ice skating park nearby as well, which I've not gone to, but it's nice for the teens and other brave people who can muster the ice skating balancing act. I'd not done this in my life and will not as I'm not good at keeping balance, but I am told that speed conquers teeter toterring problems. Sort of like biking which even though I tried have failed miserably at it. Mostly due to having been confronted with huge dogs who were neighbors of mine and I decided not to bike any more. I also have visions of 'wiping out' as they say and hitting the pavement with my fiz. The lot behind the levee mall (it's really a strip mall but more glorified due to architecture and tenants) is another more run of the mill one which houses (or housed) the bicycle store and a Chinese grocery (or two. The one Chinese grocery has a small restaurant in it which I've been to and I have to confess they forgot the salt in the recipes they made so I did not return. The other grocery has all sorts of packages of stuff they put into a boiling pot of water to make eatable noodles, and others which are also seasonings for any recipe in an Asian household. They hardly speak English so it's good to at least have the right change (they don't take credit cards), and then toddle off feeling relieved that you've got what you wanted to buy. Then there's a movie house too, which I've been to a few times. There I watched the movie about Jesus Christ and another movie which had cowboys and space ships. I have not gone to watch a lot of movies. I rather go with a person to share a popcorn with, and the only one around is Dad, and he's quite unhappy to sit in a movie theatre for too long due to images of some bad person who'd invade the place and gun everyone down. So no movies for the rest of my life, I think. I do have YouTube and the TV so never fear. Then back to bridges. Well the bridge called Harrison also peels off to ninth street where it's got a hodge podge of buildings, some still standing and some looking as though it needed a revision of sorts. The church there called St Boniface is something of a historical thing but all I can remember is that it had a German background. Then behind it are other non-Catholic churches which I have not looked into much. There are other things to see on 9th street which I'd say is a few miles down from the church - one of which the Lafayette Country Club and Golf Course. I made a video of this landmark to raise some money to make a real video log about Lafayette and West Lafayette. Those videos were on YouTube but they've been taken down. Must fly, Mary |
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