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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| So much for going off meds...it only lasted 24 hours before I was back on them again. Why? The hallucinations wouldn't leave me alone and forced the decision. The strangest thing happens when I take my meds. Taking a whole tablet (200mg) causes not just me, but the entities/demons to hallucinate as well. When I close my eyes to see what they are up to, I see their eyes bulging and struggling to focus. They look for all the world like they are hallucinating and are very high. I'm not sure if my taking meds is supposed to get my hallucinations off their heads, but that's exactly what it looks like from my perspective. Another thing I notice whilst their eyes are lolling about, is they are more cooperative and possibly truthful when I ask them questions. But, it appears they have found a way around this by answering yes and then no, on repeat when I push them for answers. They often did that anyway, unless I asked questions like, "Are you beautiful?" "Yes." "Are you smart?" "Yes." And so on. Or the opposite would bring a series of answers to the negative. The best thing that happens when I take my meds is there appears a dark screen between them and me. I can still see them, but it is faint. Unfortunately, I've been forced to take the tablets earlier, rather than just before bed. The reason is that within an hour or two of ingestion, my legs begin to ache (restless leg syndrome on steroids). A condition I inherited from my father...which is exasperated by the compound I am taking. I can't lay still, and it is much easier to tolerate when I'm moving about, rather than laying still. The downside is by the time I do go to bed, the effectiveness of the drug is somewhat diminished, and so the hallucinations are more active and able to attack me when I close my eyes while trying to get to sleep. To overcome this, I cut a tablet in half and keep it by my bedside...just in case. I've tried using this as a threat to my imaginary, drug-addled and psychotic friends, but they refuse to make deals with humans, no matter how much they stand to gain. When I ask them about my continuing to take meds, they always say no. But this lack of enthusiasm doesn't transcend to compromise of any sort. There are other benefits to continuing the medication. I feel awesome during the day. It's only the mornings when I'm a bit groggy, but once I've had breakfast my head clears and I can go about my day unimpeded. Yesterday I decided to take an entire day off training. It was hard for me to do because of the progress I have been making, but this morning at the gym, I felt great and had energy to burn...three steps forward and one step back seems the best course of action. Perhaps one day off a week will be better in the long run. In any case...things are going well for me in Thailand. I had to apply for a residency certificate to get my bike registered in my name (it's been in the dealership's name until now) and get my driver's licence. I've been riding around without a Thai licence for two months, and this is something I need to change to avoid being fined by Tahi police when I eventually get pulled over. I stand out like a sore thumb. They call my bike a 'big bike' (which is anything bigger than a scooter), but mine is a giant bike compared to everyone else on the road...and once I have those two duties done and dusted, I will be free to legally explore SE Asia. |
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